What happens when the woman everyone thinks has it together… secretly feels overwhelmed, overstimulated, anxious, scattered, and exhausted?

In this episode of The Iconic Midlife, Roxy Manning sits down with clinical forensic psychologist Dr. Mandy Diamond for a smart, honest, and deeply relatable conversation about the patterns many high-functioning women quietly struggle with in midlife.

From anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD to the complicated role alcohol can play in coping, this episode explores why so many women suddenly feel “off” during perimenopause and midlife — and why those feelings are often misunderstood.

Dr. Diamond shares insights from years of clinical experience working with anxiety, ADHD, addiction, trauma, and behavioral patterns, including:

• What ADHD actually looks like in high-functioning adult women
• Why so many women are misdiagnosed with anxiety alone
• The connection between overwhelm, attention, and alcohol use
• How “wine to unwind” can become a coping mechanism
• Why successful women often hide their struggles so well
• The nervous system patterns many women don’t recognize in themselves
• What it actually takes to break unhealthy coping loops

Plus, Roxy and Dr. Diamond play a revealing rapid-fire game exploring the midlife behaviors women pretend are “normal”… but may point to something deeper underneath. Come back for that on Thursday.

This episode is thoughtful, eye-opening, validating, and full of the kinds of conversations women are craving more of right now.

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I am in the hardest phase of perimenopause that I have been in ever the moments where my husband snores and there's this like, overwhelming rage where you wake up and I'm like, no, you cannot suffocate him because you would not survive in prison.

A lot of midlife women get diagnosed.

With adhd, but you don't notice it as much in until you hit midlife.

How do we know if it's ADHD or like just pure anxiety?

If you have adhd, you're going to have periods of anxiety and depression. It is like this overwhelming anxiety that you have because you have this task list of everything you need to do and you're like, I just can't do it.

There's a certain kind of woman who looks like she has it all together. She's successful, capable, high functioning, the one everyone else leans on.

But behind the scenes, she's overwhelmed, scattered, wired and exhausted all at the same time. She's pouring a glass of wine to take the edge off, telling herself it's normal, it's earned, and it's fine.

And maybe it is, or maybe something else is going on. Because what if what we've been calling stress or burnout or even just midlife is actually something we've completely misunderstood?

Today we're talking about the patterns most women don't recognize in themselves. Where anxiety, attention and coping behaviors quietly develop, quietly overlap and start reinforcing each other.

And why so many high functioning women are being misread, misdiagnosed, or missed entirely.

I'm joined by Dr. Mandy Niebel Diamond, a clinical forensic psychologist who spent years working at the intersection of anxiety, adhd, addiction, and human behavior, both in private practice and in high stakes clinical settings. This conversation isn't about labels. It's about understanding what's really going on beneath the surface and what it actually takes to shift it.

Welcome to the iconic midlife. Mandy, how are you today?

I'm so good, thank you. How are you? I am good.

I am good. I feel like I want to know how midlife is going for you.

Well, to be brutally honest, I am in the hardest phase of perimenopause that I have been in, ever. I've been in perimenopause for a couple years and like last six months has fully taken a toll.

So I would say I'm in like, the most challenging physically, emotionally stage of life that I've ever been in. The moments where my husband snores and there's this like, overwhelming rage where you Wake up.

And I'm like, already waking up at those 3am periods of time where you're like, why? Why? And he's snoring. And I'm like, no, you cannot suffocate him because you would not survive in prison. And it's these moments.

Or I'm like, what is happening? But thank God I started hormone replacement therapy six weeks, weeks ago, and starting to, like, come back to my normal, like, easygoing phase.

But, like, women do not prep you for this. At least I was not prepped for all of this.

Well, that is exactly it.

That's why I'm trying to help to create, like, kind of a roadmap for people, because it is like stepping into the big black hole, you know, you just have no idea what's coming. And I love that you started hrts, because they were really a game changer for me as well. You know, it.

The irritability, the brain fog, you know, like, so many different things that were going on were really, like, those symptoms lessened quite a bit, you know, for me. So it'll be exciting to see what happens to you on your HRT journey.

I know. I'm, like, feeling almost back to normal from where it's been the past few months. So I'm like, okay, I think we are, like, over the hut, maybe so.

Totally, totally. I know. You know, it's funny. Irritability. We've got irritability. We've got anxiety, which is a big, big thing, especially for midlife women.

Do you find that when you're talking to your patients that, you know, they're experiencing, especially in midlife? Like, is it. Is it the anxiety that you see the most? Or what. What is the thing?

The irritability, along with the anxiety and just such high levels of stress. And those are, like, the three things that I see with. And most of my women patients are midlife. I have.

That are younger and have not entered that phase, but the majority are in this transition kind of period of time.

And that is, like, they're so overwhelmed at different times, kind of coming in and frustrated, not understanding exactly what's happening, you know, to their bodies or what is going on from a mental health perspective and just feeling so kind of lost and out of control.

Absolutely.

You know, I think it's really interesting because I didn't realize that a lot of midlife women get diagnosed with adhd, which I thought was, you know, when I think of ADHD and this is, like, how I was in the dark about it. You know, I'm thinking Maybe kids in school, you know, that get diagnosed with adhd.

And it always seemed like, primarily it was like, young boys, it felt like that were getting diagnosed. But actually, a lot of midlife women are getting diagnosed with adhd.

So, like, is that something that's always kind of been there and, like, maybe we just didn't know, or is it kind of a newer development?

I think it's always been there. It's just women in general, a lot of times it is misunderstood, it's misdiagnosed, and women are kind of better at men at masking it, you know?

And so a lot of times you just kind of are floating through thinking, oh, I have concentration issues or focus issues, or I'm kind of more hyperactive. But you don't notice it as much until you hit midlife. And then it's like I said, the brain, it feels like it's short circuiting.

And a lot of the things that you've been able to utilize and kind of function, all of a sudden just kind of go haywire, and then it becomes way more present. But I think in general, it's been there. It has just not been highlighted.

Okay. Because I feel like women are being missed, you know, with. With this diagnosis. So how would. How would somebody know that they had ADHD at this time?

Like, would it be sort of symptoms that we've heard in the past where, you know, you kind of. You lose interest in things. You're kind of jumping around to different things, like, you lose concentration.

Is it things like that, or does it show up differently in midlife?

It's all of those things, but it also shows up more with, like, irritability. It shows up more with starting a ton of projects and never finishing them and feeling just extreme, extremely overwhelmed.

Having more of the concentration and memory issues of, you know, why did I walk into this room?

Or things that were once somewhat stressful now seem so overwhelming, like checking the mail or voicemails or emails or keeping the house kind of functioning at the level you're used to it functioning at. And so a lot of times it's more. With those pieces.

And the way that you can find out if it is more hormonal or if it's, like, anxiety or something else is going through.

Meeting with a psychologist, walking through, like, a full assessment, doing some of the testing pieces, really highlight, okay, here is the type of ADHD you have, if you have one. And there's the symptoms that a lot of times go just missed. I mean, there's. I'll have so many Patients.

And I'll do testing a lot for other psychiatrists or psychologists or therapists that are like, I'm not sure if my patient has this. And they'll come in and you can look at like the DSM and it's like, you know, these nine symptoms are these.

But there are like 50 other symptoms that are tied to ADHD that a lot of times people don't even realize, like, oh, I've been doing that my whole life. I had no clue that that is actually an ADHD symptom.

And in like midlife hormones highlight kind of all those different areas and certain things just other symptoms will develop that either you haven't noticed or you haven't really had to deal with.

Okay, so like as far as starting projects and not finishing them, I feel like that is me that is like basically all of my friend group, you know, I feel like that' such a common thing. So could something like that just be, you know, that we didn't have the follow through or really could be adhd.

It can really be adhd. I mean that is one of the things where it's. You get these slide of kind of ideas and it's like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get hyper fixated.

And you research and find every single thing about this one like idea.

And then I'm gonna get organized and buy five planners and never use any of them or buy all the self help books on like how to do this, this, this, and then just no follow through and either procrastinating all the other pieces, getting so hyper fixated on something else, or feeling completely paralyzed like where you just cannot do anything. It is like this overwhelming anxiety that you have because you have this task list of everything you need to do and you're like, I just can't do it.

And then you're having the guilt along with that, the shame, some of the depression that you're not functioning while the brain has a thousand open tabs and you're like, what is, like what is happening? What direction? What do I need to do? And just kind of being paralyzed in the midst of, of all of it.

My gosh. Oh my gosh. So how do we know if it's ADHD or like just pure anxiety?

Going to like a therapist, ologist and really walking through it because there's so many symptoms that are the same and it's able to figure that out.

And one of the things that a lot of people don't know is if you have adhd, no matter what type it is you're going to have periods of anxiety and depression. Whereas you can have anxiety and depression and not have adhd. But if you have adhd, you will have periods of anxiety and depression.

And so it's being able to figure out what is kind of what.

And that's where a therapist, a psychologist can really walk through to see, okay, is this just anxiety or this actually an ADHD diagnosis that now is being highlighted with the phase of life you're in that you may need to, like, figure out some therapy techniques or even medication to deal with it.

So what is the way to treat ADHD in midlife? Is it.

Are you taking, like, medications like how, you know, somebody younger might take those same medications, or is there a different way to approach it?

You can approach it in a multitude of ways. So I have some patients that will take the normal ADHD medication.

I work with a couple amazing psychiatrists, and I'll do kind of all the testing and everything over. And they are wanting to take like a medication because they've tried a lot of other tools.

And so then it's the normal, you know, Adderall, Vyvanse concert, like I've patient be put on Ritalin. So it's the same ADHD medication.

But you can also approach it through supplements, which a lot of times people don't recognize that there are supplements. Thyroxine, L Theanine, that rhodiola, which will really, actually help.

And it works the same way as stimulants, just without it actually being a stimulus. Stimulant. You can treat it from a supplement route. Also diet, exercise, sleep, you know, fish oil, all those pieces. You can manage it in that way.

And also therapy, utilizing coping tools and strategies of like, okay, how am I going to plan out my day to actually, I can do it and I can be productive and I can follow through. And you know what your roadblocks are like, here's where I struggle the most. So you have someone else kind of guiding you.

Well, if you approach this this way or you do this this way, you'll be able to kind of go around that roadblock.

Okay. And I love your.

Your thought on treating it holistically, you know, using the supplements, doing the diet and exercise and, you know, doing what you need to do. It's. It's probably pretty individual, I would imagine, for each person.

Yeah, it is completely individual. And I've always approached from, let's try everything else before going down the medication route.

Not that there's anything wrong with medication at all. It's just a lot of times small changes can actually give you the same, like, benefits as medication.

So why not kind of try those first before going down, like the medication route?

Yes, yes, for sure. Now what happens if somebody doesn't, if they do have adhd, but they don't get treated? Like, does that start spiraling?

Does that cause other problems later on? Absolutely.

I mean, you know, if you don't treat it, nothing's going to change it for the better, but it will get worse. And that's the part where you're looking at it's going to start impacting relationships, it will impact your productivity at work.

You know, it is going to affect your mental health. It's going to cause more anxiety and more depression.

So if it's something that's going untreated, that whole idea of like, I'm just going to ignore it, like, no, it's going to just keep growing and it's going to impact every area of your life if you don't treat it.

Absolutely.

You know, I think a lot of us, I mean, and I'm including myself in this group, you know, sometimes we self medicate with a cocktail or glass of wine at the end of the night, you know, because it feels like you're a little bit, you know, you're relaxing and kind of letting go of the day. But so how does that figure in to somebody that might be dealing with these issues of like ADHD and anxiety, you know, is it actually helping us?

It is not. I mean, that's one of the things when you look at alcohol and the food effects that it has, and especially on women.

And this is one of the things that a lot of people don't either know. But when you hit 40, alcohol affects the body so differently than when you're in your 30s or 20s.

And for women, especially if you're going through perimenopause, alcohol only makes it worse. So you are changing the chemicals kind of in the brain. You're putting in pretty much a poison.

Whether it's one or five drinks, you know, you're putting in like poison and body and it actually causes more inflammation. It is going to highlight more symptoms of adhd. It's going to cause more stress, mental fog.

The inflammation in the body gets worse with that, it does impact your sleep.

A lot of times people will utilize alcohol at the end of the night as a coping strategy or to unwind or able to sleep better, but it actually impairs sleep and then it can. The next morning it's like 24 hours after you can have this rebound anxiety. So it heightens anxiety.

And then when you're looking at it, alcohol is a depressant. And so it is going to depress certain parts of the brain.

And so it highlights and makes all those symptoms actually worse when it's being utilized a lot of times to try to numb out those symptoms or to be able to relax. And so it's like this double edged sword because in the moment, yes, it works.

That's the part like it is going to calm you or numb out stress or anxiety or help you unwind and there's that kind of instant gratification.

But afterwards that's when you're going to kind of notice like all these other symptoms where you have to look and say, okay, is that drink that helped me unwind the night before actually worth me having more mental fog and some inflammation and sleep issues and heightened levels of anxiety and depression the next day.

Used in small doses like THC gummies that have a mix of CBD with or the indica aspect, you know of th where it is kind of calming, I think those once in a while can be helpful. You know it really. And when you're weighing out the two, it's definitely like a CBD low THC gummy is going to be healthier than alcohol.

But at the same time it's looking at if you use too much of that, that's going to create a negative piece too. So it's kind of like weighing out what is actually healthy for the brain and the body.

What is your personal relationship with alcohol? Are you. Do you indulge, do you not? How do you feel about it?

I don't. I made a decision long time ago that I didn't want alcohol to be a part of my life.

For me it was the part of knowing having ADHD you can develop addictions a lot quicker.

And that hyper fixation and knowing for me like alcohol probably would not be good and well, I made that decision a long time ago that it wouldn't be a part of my life.

And I'm thankful I did because honestly, like I said the last six months of before the last start HRT therapy and like if I did drink, oh dear God, I probably would have seen patients and then went home and been like, okay, like how many bottles are we going through tonight? Because what for me it's just been something I chose to not have be my life.

But I have a lot of friends and family who it is a part of their life and to each their.

Own and I, too, have been guilty of thinking that, you know, if I do something that's different or out of turn, people are going to be like, oh, my God, what is she doing? You know, like, focused in on me. When the truth of the matter is, I feel like most of the time people are focused on themselves.

Like, they're not even thinking about what you're doing or not doing. And I think that actually that thought holds a lot of women back.

Absolutely. I mean, for the most part, no one cares. Like, we're in midlife.

Like, any woman that is in midlife is usually going through this, like, overwhelming kind of piece of, like, what is happening in my body. Like, they're not going to care if their best friend or someone else at the table is not drinking. That's just the piece.

Like, we're not in college, we're not in our 20s, or whatever, where it's like, if you're not drinking, like, what's wrong with you? Like, for the most part, people just don't care.

Yeah, it's true. Although in my brain, I'm still dancing on tabletops from college.

Absolutely. My body still thinks. Well, part of it. My brain thinks like, oh, my God, I'm still in my twenties.

I love this idea, too, of, like, neuroplasticity, because I feel like we can still change the way we think, you know, And I think that that is so powerful. That's like a tool that's control that we have and power that we have, you know, over ourselves, over our choices.

And I feel like, you know, so many women at this time feel powerless. That that is actually something that is huge for us, is to be able to change the way we think.

Absolutely. And it's so easy to do. I mean, that's the part of, like, kind of rewiring your brain to think in a different way.

And that comes through doing things differently, making different choices and actions and really being mindful. And in ed, you can approach things from a negative viewpoint, or you can approach things from a positive.

You can go from ungrateful or to full gratitude. And you have the ability to, like, rewire and change the way that you think and the way that you act.

And it just comes down to, like, small, simple steps to do that.

So what are those steps? Like, what do you say to the woman who's listening, who feels stuck, you know, like, feels like, oh, my gosh, I want to make a change.

I want to do something different, but, you know, I feel like I'm lost a bit. What do you say? To her.

Step one, Make a list. What is it that you feel that you need to change? Like if it's drinking, you know, say like and you're like should I drink? Should I not?

Like you're kind of in what I call like the gray area. Like I know I'm not an alcoholic, I don't think I have a problem, but maybe I have a bit of a problem or I'm over indulging.

And so you just make a list. What are the aspects that you think you probably need to work on or change? And then it is looking at what are your thoughts around that?

Good, bad, indifferent. Like what is keeping you and holding you back from making those changes? Like, is it fear?

Is it the part of like women in general, like kind of shoulder more of the emotional labor mental load and like the physical task of kind of the household.

And then high functioning women that are maybe also working have so many external commitments that they prioritize over their own self care and emotional well being. And so you I tell everyone look at that list and be like what is keeping me from making these changes?

And then like I had talked about before that journal aspect of when you start making those changes and it's small steps. Look at like if I remove alcohol from here, you know, over the weekend or nothing through the week, how do I feel?

And you start just implementing kind of small changes.

But when you're stuck, a lot of times it's because we get overwhelmed with knowing what is that first step, what to do when there's all these other aspects of life that maybe feel so like overwhelming or, or kind of out of control.

And it's making these small steps and really looking at if I think I kind of have a problem or I'm having some type of internal doubt questioning that. And when it's like the alcohol I always look at are you breaking the one more philosophy and breaking rules that you've set for yourself?

So that looks like you're going out and saying, you know, I'm not drinking this weekend and you end up drinking or I'm only going to have two. And then there's that one more philosophy of like well just one more. I'll just one more. And so you start looking at am I breaking these rules?

Am I breaking the one more philosophy?

And do I have some type of internal doubt where I'm questioning do I need to stop drinking or do I need to lower my drinking or do I kind of have a problem? And then you go from there. So it's these like small steps and finding ways that you can really kind of see and test it.

Yeah. And you can kind of. Yeah. Try it out in real life. Right. Because, I mean, I think too, trying things doesn't necessarily mean you're committed to them.

Right. Like, if you try. Right. I think that that too kind of maybe holds people back a bit.

Is like, you can try something and if it doesn't work for you, you don't have to do it, you know,.

But there's like no hurt, like, in trying. It's that part of seeing, you know, like, what is life like taking alcohol out and just try it.

What is it like if I feel so stuck and kind of overwhelmed with a to do list? What are just, what's one thing that I can work on today for 10 minutes?

And you just start looking at like, we can all find 10 minutes, you know, set a timer on the phone and be like, okay, for 10 minutes. I'm just gonna work on this one task that's on my to do list. I don't have to get every single thing done today.

I don't have to just make a decision like, oh, I'm never ever gonna drink alcohol again. It's just like trying it for. What's it like this week, this day, your piece.

And so it's not a long term commitment if you don't want it to be, but it's just trying these pieces and seeing like, what works for you and what you feel better with.

That's sort of where I am right now too. It's like I pretty much pulled back during the week. Like, I don't really drink anymore during the week.

I just feel a little off and foggy the next day. For me, it's more the physical aspect of it, like having a stomachache, like having a headache, you know, that kind of stuff.

So I really pulled back on it during the week. Now I do. If I, you know, going out with friends for dinner on the weekend, yes, I will have some cocktails. But right now it seems to work for me.

But it is less. It's definitely less than it was before.

So what do you, you know, for people out there that maybe want to kind of do some sort of a balance like that? I mean, do you recommend maybe doing that as well if they're not ready to just pull back a hundred percent?

Absolutely. It's looking at cutting maybe alcohol out through the week.

How much better you function Monday through Friday without it and only having it on weekends, you know, and that's the part of you Just kind of try it. See, like if you're drinking five nights a week, move that to three and see how you feel.

If you're drinking like only on weekends, take one day out of the weekend and see how you feel. Or try just a weekend without it. It's just kind of making small steps. You don't have to wipe it out, just like lower it and see or monitor it.

I mean, there's the sober sure bracelet or device that we're really like, keep track of that for you. And it's something that anyone can like utilize.

It looks like a little Fitbit, this kind of monitors and it's one of those pieces because in our brains, like a lot of times we don't even register like, oh, how much are we drinking or how often? Or hey, I wonder what this the effect is like, because like you said, when you hit 40, like it plays out differently.

Two drinks feels very different after 40 than before. And so it's like you have a device that just kind of monitors that sends you back.

Like you're almost like your vitals just like if you've got the ring, you know, or an Apple watch and it's looking like, oh, I did 7,500 steps today, or this. It's kind of the same thing of like, oh, wow, you know, here's what my like alcohol level was here, here's how often I drank.

So utilizing like some type of monitoring device or journal pieces, anything like that, just to like really see and register like what's working for you, what's not, where you can cut back how you feel cutting back or like no change at all. Like you just kind of make these small little steps and see, can we.

Also get a Fitbit for protein intake? That is all. I feel like half the time I'm like, am I getting enough protein? I'm like, because it's like our job almost now, right?

My gosh.

I know like when I was like going through everything and I'm looking at like, okay, what are the hrt, how quickly does it work and what do I need to do? And it was like, well, you need to get this amount of protein. I'm like, oh my God.

So in your experience working with these high functioning women, you know, that have a lot going on, what do you think that you see that the things are, that they are doing right, but also on the flip side, what are the mistakes that they're making?

What they're doing right is how they care for others. Like they are great at all the external commitments.

Whether it is taking care of their kids or going to work and hitting all their deadlines and being productive and that external commitments they're doing fantastic on. They're jugg and managing like that emotional labor and mental load and all the tasks.

What they're not doing well on is prioritizing self care and their overall well being. That is where it's lacking.

Like they'll like do whatever for anyone else, but when it comes to like securing their oxygen mask on the plane first, they are not doing that.

What do you say to somebody like that who's maybe never always is prioritizing other people and you know, doing that? Like, how do you get them to like change their mind?

I tell, I mean first I tell them I get it. Like I absolutely get managing my private practice and how husband, you know, and three dogs.

Because I'm insane and just keep bringing home more and more dogs.

Wait. I love that about you. By the way. I'm a huge dog person too. Do you rescue you?

Yes, I will. I have officially been cut off though. Right now. My husband is like, if you bring home any other dog, like, this is not going to work. He's like.

And then he went through the list of like. That also means like, you're not bringing home a baby, like mini goat, a mini cow, a mini, A mini pig.

Like anything mini.

We're not replacing the kids with animals because they're going to be coming back on.

But you're like, you're like secretly. We are, honey.

Yeah. You're not going to say no when you get home and another one's kind of there. Yes. So I like love, love, love, love dogs the best. But it is that piece.

I tell them, like, I get it. I struggle with that as well. You know, it is easy to tell patience. Like you need self care and this and this.

And then like implementing it after working 10, 11 hours a day, going home and the task and it's like, you know, we're exhausted.

And a lot of times that's the part where it feels like you don't have time or it feels selfish to say, like, well, you know, I've been gone or I've been doing this or I've been at work all day, but now I need to go take a Pilates class or go to the gym or go for a walk. Like can feel selfish. And it is that part of looking at exactly what they say on the airplane.

You know, secure your oxygen mask first before assisting other people. And why? Because if you don't, you're going to kill over dead. But if you do put yours on first, you're going to be able to help so many more people.

And that's the part that I just tell everyone of like you have to implement something each day for yourself. It doesn't have to be an hour or two hours, it can be five minutes, it can be 10 minutes of self care.

But what you're going to notice is like when you're pouring into yourself, you have way more to then actually pour into others. But if you're depleted, you're not really able to take care of others the way you're wanting to. And you're sure not taking care of yourself.

Absolutely. What are the things, what would you want women at home to know about their brains?

I mean the piece with the brain is like you also have to like take care of it in order for it to fully function.

And at midlife we're already having like the hormonal fluctuations, especially like when progesterone declines is when there is an increase in stress and there's an increase in anxiety and increase in sleep issues.

So if you are not implementing self care and taking care of like yourself with some bit, whether it's five minutes or 10 minutes doing something for yourself, you already have the hormone pieces that we can't kind of control happening. And if you're not taking care of yourself, those things are actually going to get worse.

So you're already not able to handle stress at the same level. So if you don't start taking care of your body and taking care of your brain, everything is going to become more unmanageable.

Anxiety is going to increase, you are going to start having way more cognitive issues with memory and focus and concentration.

And so the piece with the brain is knowing like it needs sleep, it needs rest, you have to eat right, you have to make sure you're hydrated because if you do those things, your brain is actually going to work so much better than it does without it.

Absolutely.

What are three actionable things that you would tell every woman listening today to do at home to improve, you know, her brain health, to feel it better about where she is, you know, in life and maybe even get out of a, a cycle of, you know, chaos.

I think the three things like soon as you wake up in the morning, like set a positive intention for the day, like just go with one thing, this is one thing I'm going to do for myself today.

Or give yourself some type of positive affirmation, like, you know what, like I can do this Today like I am going to be able to just take on whatever tasks come my way. I am capable of doing it. So wake up in the morning.

First action item is setting some type of positive intention or giving yourself a positive affirmation.

Then look at where can you give yourself five minutes of just you time, just five minutes and create like that into your schedule because that's the piece us women, we can follow like routines and schedules. Great. You can schedule out everything else. Pickups and drop offs and this meeting and this schedule five minutes for yourself.

What are you doing that's just for yourself? Is it reading, is it journaling, is it making sure that you are getting a protein snack or.

And then at the end of the night look and see how did you feel being able to do that one thing that you set for yourself to do. And it's just these scheduling out with morning. You're starting the day off with something positive.

You're finding five minutes out of the day to do something for yourself. And at the end of the night you're looking at wow, I was productive doing that thing for myself and I'm ending the night on a high note.

That's important to go into sleep like already just feeling positive to kind of, you know, have good sleep. Because that's so important too for your brain. I would love to know what advice you would give your 25 year old self.

Oh my gosh. I. Oh that's a good question. I would. Let's see what what I tell my 25 year old.

What were you doing at 25? What were you like at 25?

I was getting my doctorate.

Okay.

I was in the last year of my doctoral program and I was working as an intern at Twin Towers County Jail in la.

Oh my gosh.

Wow.

Was thought, you know, just so full of like excitement and hope and like what life was going to kind of really look like and the next challenges like kind of going into life. Let's see. I think you know, I would tell myself like you're going to be okay.

Like I think that would be the piece of like don't sacrifice yourself to like meet the needs of everybody. Like else don't be like the people pleaser because you're going to be like.

Okay, yeah, that's a, that's huge because I feel like people, yeah, people pleasing is big like dying on the hill for everybody else. You know, it's just, it's a lot, it's a lot. So that's, that's huge for you know telling yourself that at 25.

When you were working in forensics, is there one case or like, one or a few maybe that just really stuck with you to this day?

One was looking. There was a gentleman at the.

At Twin Towers County Jail, and he was going through kind of a psychotic break, and a lot of the guards and other people just kind of ignored him so much. I didn't really understand the mental health pieces that were going through. And he was not on my caseload, but I would always see him.

And I approached it from this part of, like, to me, they were not inmates. They were individuals that needed help. And I would always stop and actually check in, like, hey, how are you doing?

And get to kind of know something about them. And I was just kind of going about my day, walking up to my office, and I passed by him and I said, you know, good morning.

And he, like, said, good morning. And I was like, how are you? And he had this look, and he didn't say anything. It was almost like a shocking piece. And I was like, how are you?

And he's like, I've been here for so many years, and not one person has asked me, like, how are you? And he's like, I always say good morning to the staff and how are you? And he's like, you actually just stopped to ask.

And I was like, well, yeah, like, how are you today? And that one interaction. A few weeks later, he had a major psychotic break.

Became very, like, violent, was tearing up the rec room, throwing things everywhere.

I was pregnant with the twins, and at that point, my daughter was, you know, beating my bladder, and I needed to go to the restroom, and they had locked it down. And I was like, you know, I need to go to the bathroom. The guards were like, we're on lockdown. It's not safe to go out right now.

And I was like, well, do you want to tell that to the twins? Because this is not like, an optional thing. Like, I need to go to the bathroom, or I'm going to just pee right here.

And I saw that it was him that was kind of blowing up. And I was like, I'll be fine. They said, well, we're not going to escort you to the restroom. You're going to have to walk on your own.

And I walked down the stairs with my, like, big belly, walked right past him. He stood, stopped, and I was like, hey. I was like, I just need to go to the bathroom, and can you, you know, not hurt me or anything?

And he's like, oh, yeah, no problem. And he walks me to the Bathroom, I'll wait here for you. Stops everything. And I was like, okay.

Walked back and he, don't worry, I'll wait till you get in your office before I like, start again.

But it was that moment of like a human connection, what he actually needed, and that stays with me, that sometimes, no matter what's going on, you just need someone that's going to check in with you and have a human connection.

Oh, that's such a good point. You know, just to reach out to you don't know who's hurting, who's going through what.

So just to have that extra, you know, somebody asking you how you're doing, that's fascinating. Wow.

I can't even imagine, I think, like, kudos to you to, you know, be able to take care of people like that and really see the good and, you know, people who are otherwise perceived as evil. Most of the time, you know.

Absolutely.

Yeah, for sure. So what is the most important lesson you've learned in midlife?

Oh my gosh, like,.

You're like all of them.

All of them. Do not be against, like hormone replacement therapy. One, like, it is a lifesaver. You do not have to like white knuckle it through this. Yes, yes.

Like, God is definitely a man because a woman would not give this to another woman. Learn that lesson.

But I think the biggest is like self care, like, and having someone like your tribe of other women that you can lean on and talk to because it is the piece of, like, you have to have other women in your life. You have to have someone that gets it, that you can walk through and you have to be able to make the time for self care.

And I think that that has been the biggest part for me is really recognizing like, wow, this is what's happening in my body and it is insane. But I need to be able to take care of myself during this time.

It's a very challenging time that you're going through so much changes in such a, like, short period of time. And at times it feels like you're losing yourself.

And you know, you hear about all these women where it's like, you know, once they're through menopause or whatever, like how great life is and you're in this moment where you feel like, oh my God, the wheels have come off. What is happening? You start noticing all these changes within your body, the aging process, it's like it goes on fast forward or something.

And so it really affects the way that you see yourself. And there are these moments where it is just so brutal. And so overwhelming.

So to have someone just checking in to be like, hey, you're going to be okay and I'm here with you and we are going to go through this and what are you doing for yourself is huge.

And we being in perimenopause, I hear we're in the thick of it. Everyone says menopause is not as bad as perimenopause.

Yes, that's what I keep hearing. I'm like, well, when are we getting there? Because done with this phase. Like, how quickly can we move through this part?

Like, can we jump on the, you know, high speed lane to get there? Like, what do we got to do?

I know. And I'm like, chat GBT or oh, my God, my best friend right now. Because I'm like, okay, here's my symptoms. What do I need to do today?

Or like, what else can I eat that's full of protein? Like, all these pieces of just like, oh, dear God, is normal. Like, where is this coming from?

Absolutely. I know. Chachi BT is like, right there in the bestie friend group. So how are you living iconically right now?

Oh, my God. I. You know, this being an empty nester thing has. I was the first.

When they first left for school, it was like, you know, my kids were gone at the exact same time. And so it was this huge shift.

And now there is this, like, freedom that has come where I am becoming so comfortable with, like, my authentic self of, like, what you see is what you get. And, like, kind of not caring, you know, it's like, okay, people are gonna love you. They're gonna hate you.

Like, you're not gonna make everybody happy. Like, just kind of being iconic with being authentic and being real and being able to look and I mean, I'm living my dream daily.

Like, I literally have the career that I have designed for so long. I love people, I love talking, so it kind of works. I'm very curious. I love asking questions.

It's like I'm living my best life right now while also going through my hardest stage of life. And I think that that is the part where it's like the two together.

It's like, okay, I'm just kind of going through this roller coaster that is fun, challenging, but I'm coming out this more just version of myself that I love. And it's different. I don't know, it's just this piece of.

I think before you're always comparing yourself to others and like social media kind of all that part. Or what. What's people going to think here or, like, what are they thinking about me there?

And I'm kind of at this point in life, like, I really don't care. Like, don't care. And maybe the part where my brain's so, like, overwhelmed or whatever, but it is like, I iconically just don't care.

Like, I am just me, and I am having fun being, wearing whatever I want to wear and just kind of being me.

Yes. There's such freedom in that.

And I think, like, what you're saying with the juxtaposition, maybe that even makes it more powerful because, you know, you've got these two worlds kind of colliding at the same time, you know?

Absolutely. It's kind of like a hot, disorganized, perfectly organized mess of chaos that it's, like, all blended together.

If you saw yourself in any part of this conversation, you are not alone. And more importantly, you're not imagining it. So many women have spent years adapting, coping, and pushing through that.

What's actually happening underneath can get hard to recognize. But awareness changes everything.

Not overnight, not perfectly, but it gives you a place to start without judgment, without shame, and without pretending everything is fine when it isn't. And maybe the real shift isn't about doing more or trying harder. It's about finally understanding yourself accurately.

Because when you do that, you stop fighting the wrong battles. And that's where things actually begin to change. If this episode resonated, follow the show, share it with a woman who needs to hear it.

And if you're listening on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts, leave a review. It makes a bigger difference than you think.

And if you want more conversations like this, smart, honest, and a little bit disruptive, you know where to find me. Whether you're breaking patterns, asking better questions, or just starting to see things more clearly, you're not crazy. You're evolving.

And that's iconic.