I keep thinking of the image of a tightrope walker with a safety net below them.
Your kids are on the tightrope, up high, navigating the distances between one development stage to another.
You aren’t on the tightrope. You are the net holder.
When your kids are little, your net is really close to the tightrope because you are literally keeping your kid alive.
But as your kid gets older, your net needs to drop lower and lower.
Dropping your net can be scary.
Especially when your teenager starts making very adult decisions and maybe those decisions aren’t so great and you are terrified they will fall off the tightrope and your entire body is tight with panic.
Falling is normal.
The drop from the tightrope to the net is where all your kid’s learning happens.
The falling is the learning. Not the walking across.
Most of us do anything we can to prevent the fall.
Watching your kid fall is HARD because it feels SCARY and RISKY.
That’s why parents yell, threaten their kids, lecture, monologue on the worst-case-scenarios, give them extreme consequences, or bribe their kids not to mess up. Because we don’t want to feel the discomfort that comes when our kids make mistakes and “fall”.
It’s also why we rescue - which I talk a lot about in episode 20 called Why your kid doesn’t listen.
Even as I talk about this I recognize just how absolutely difficult this can be. I’m living it right now.
That push/pull of motherhood as I grapple with dropping my net.
The conflict is between trusting my kids will be ok, while also desperately wanting to prevent them from experiencing any pain, discomfort, or failure.
I choose trust.
This is what you can take comfort in.
You are down below; watching, waiting, holding your breath, trusting them, hoping they don’t fall but knowing it’s ok if they do…because you always have your net ready.
Parenthood is one long journey of dropping your net and trusting your kid.
I’m going to talk a little bit about what I mean when I say Trust.
1st: Trust yourself. You are a mom and won’t ever stop being one. You’ve trained your brain and heart to pay attention to your kid for years. You can trust that you will continue to show up for your kid. Help them solve problems.
Think about things that you have solved in the past - when your kids were younger. For me,
- When kindergarten was an absolute disaster for Lincoln, I pulled him out and waited a year until he tried again.
- When traditional school environments weren’t working for him, we found an alternative school that was a better fit
- We signed up for things and kept doing them until they didn’t seem to fit. Knowing when to start and when to quit.
- When I needed parenting support, I found our family a parenting coach and got us help.
- I’ve survived stitches and broken bones.
- I’ve watched my kids struggle with bad grades, friendship hardships, emotional pain,
- I mean we all survived ZOOM school and months of quarantine!!!
Recognize and honor your past self. All the intuition she has shown, and all the wisdom she has gained. Be grateful for her and what she’s done or overcome to get you here.
Now, think about future you. You from 5 years from now. How will she look back on this time of your life? She’s going to think you’re amazing. She’s going to be proud of you. She’s going to be grateful.
That’s what self-trust is about. Trusting past you for doing her best. Being kind to you in this moment. Trusting yourself that you are doing your best right now and that you can handle anything that comes your way.
Trusting that you will always have your net out.
You’ve already survived and overcome a lot. And you’re still here. So I know you can figure out how to raise a teen!
#2 Trusting Your Kid
This is a little harder. When you look at your kid right now, it might be hard to trust them. Because your kid has an undeveloped brain. They don’t have a lot of life-experience because they haven’t lived a ton of life. You might look at your teen and think they don’t have a great track record. That’s ok.
Trusting your kid is not about finding evidence in the present moment to calm your fear.
Trusting your kid is about knowing them deeply. Who they are at their core. Their strengths. Calling on the things that delight you. What they are capable of. What is possible for them. Anchoring your beliefs in what you know is true about your kid.
Trusting your kid is also about looking towards the future and creating a POSITIVE vision for their life. When you spend a lot of time thinking about all that could go wrong, you are fueling the fear. Which cuts off your creative and compassionate thinking. Fear lives in the limbic center of the brain. Too much fear triggers your stress response and puts you into a reactive state. Fear makes it hard to access the higher parts of the brain where all of your best problem solving and planning come from.
Your teen needs you to be doing your BEST thinking. Solving from hope, and possibility. Their brain is freaking out. They are relying on you to steady the ship. Be the captain. Let them know you can ride these storms. That this is temporary. You’ll get through it.
That means you have to have a vision of the future that is GOOD. One that your teen can borrow from you.
I call this creating a Positive Parenting Vision. Push out 5 years and think/dream/write about what is possible for your child. A few prompts are: What do I know is true about my teen that helps me believe they will get through this? In 5 years from now what is possible for them? What will success look like in 5 years?
Quieting your fear makes it possible for you to get into your intuition. When you look at the kid in front of you, and don’t look at them from fear, what do they need right now? More limits? Maybe. Or maybe they need more connection? More curiosity? More space to grow?
Is it time for you to lower your net just a little?
This topic of fear & trust is so important. Cultivating trust in yourself and your kids makes it much easier for you kids to believe in themselves! They borrow your belief.
If you are raising a teenager right now, then you will love the Raising Teens without losing your shit masterclass. When you understand WHY your teen acts the way they do, and can manage your mind around their behavior and struggles, you will start showing up with less fear, listen better, have better conversations with your teen, and not feel so worried and angry…and sad.
After this 90 minute class, you’ll walk away with a bunch of “AHA’s! I get it” and you’ll feel so much better. You’ll know why your teen acts the way they do. You’ll know why it activates your stress response. And you’ll know how to navigate these years without losing your shit.
It’s $25 for the recorded class, and includes the Raising Teens Guidebook. Download it here
Free Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet at https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/stopyelling.
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
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