The Covert Narcissist Gets You Every time!

. I am your host, Raven Scott,

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1 0 7, the covert narcissist gets you every time.

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This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for.

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[: 00:02:22

And that's in episode 1 0 3. and it's really , informing you of how to get wise to the tricks and the tip the tactics, tactics and tricks of the covert narcissist. And I wanted to share with you a beautiful response to the blog that I wrote about it because this is it. This is what I didn't even get to write, but this is like what we're feeling.

They get us every time the narcissist in this person's life. And all of our lives, they're brilliant at carefully calculating displays of kindness. This is how they keep us into thinking that they're not, not caring, and sometimes it's unconscious, but they know. How to be kind and how to keep us in their good graces, right?

They just feed us enough love and then they pull away and they neglect us. Or for instance, you have trouble, Oh, let me help. Other people are watching, but behind closed doors, if you have trouble, they don't offer up any help. Actually, they criticize you and say that, Well, you should do this, this, and this.

And this is what I think. , but out in public, they're like, Oh, let me rescue you. Let me be the hero. Let me save you. Let me show everybody around that I'm a really good person. Everything with the narcissist. N p d type of personality. They obsess about how good they look to society because they receive their validation and their emotional highs from outside sources, which I can personally relate to.

And I re, you know, feel like I'm more of an empath, right? I was on the receiving end of abuse. However, I also. Looked for validation outside of myself and for me, those are the two core similarities with these different people. Completely different, but both are wounded because of this outside validation.

Oh, you have a big event. The covert narcissist says, Let me throw you a party at my house and decorate it to the hilt and make it look amazing. And like pinch Pinterest, worthy Instagram worthy photos. So everyone's impressed about how amazing I am and that I threw you this party, but you know, they say, Let's see.

She commented, Invite your friends, but also make sure you invite your friends and let everyone know how wonderful I am. Post it on Instagram. Yes, post it everywhere. Socially, I'm amazing. I'm wonderful, and this is what the narcissist does, but. They will throw that good deed that they did for you back in your face when a conflict arises.

Like, I did all this for you, and you're so ungrateful because maybe you're just trying to share with them that they have hurt you emotionally with maybe a comment they said. Or some type of under dig that you finally woken up to their passive aggressiveness. And so when you call them out on it and hold them responsible, they say, Well, I held this huge event.

You don't have any, you know, gratitude for me. You don't have any acknowledgement that I did all this for you. You're so ungrateful. And then throw it back in your face when you're trying to hold them accountable. You're trying to say, Hey, when you did this, this made me feel. A reasonably healthy person who doesn't wanna hurt your feelings and cares more about you than their own self image out into the world will say, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the covert narcissist will spin on you in private and say, All of these horrible, rude things. I did this for you, I did that for you. Look at the evidence. I helped you when you were in need. I loaned you money. I, you know, brought you in when no one else would love you.

And they reinforced that powerful wound that's inside of you. It keep poking it while they are proving that they're such a wonderful person and they're gaslighting you and devaluing how you truly feel, so you find yourself. Unseen unheard and feeling unloved by the very person who you thought loved you because they threw you this big party because they rescued you when you were in trouble.

But when push comes to shove, they seem to not really care about you. Their empathy is out the window because it was fake empathy. It was all for show out in the public eye. That's really painful, and I just wanna sit with that for a moment because I know you're. It's very painful when the actions or even their non-action, right?

They don't come to you when you truly need them, cuz no one sees it. You're at homesick. Maybe they don't call on you on your phone, How are you doing? Can I bring you some chicken noodle soup? You know, all those things that beautiful, kind, loving people would do for those in need. Yeah, that's really painful and I'm so sorry and I validate your feeling.

This, , beautiful soul also commented on my blog Compliments. Yeah, sure. Out in public or only on social media. Wherever the public sees compliments, you will receive them. But also, if you notice, the covert narcissist will give a. Made up compliment to, let's say, the golden child. And at the same time, they give the compliment, they're throwing the scapegoat child under the bus.

And what I've just learned recently in another episode on the Empath and the Narcissist Podcast with, , Becca Ribbing, she considers he. To finally recognize she was the golden child, and she said their compliments were weird, they were empty. And I'd be like, Wait a minute. , that doesn't resonate with me.

I don't really even understand where this compliment is coming from because I didn't do that. Right. Like, then they, they make up all these compliments to make themselves look good. Look how wonderful of a parent I am. I raised a beautiful adult woman who could be amazing mother. You know, maybe things that the grandchildren did and she's like, Well, I can't really control my kids.

Like, yes, you guide them. But um, yeah, she just felt like their compliments were out of whack. They were just self-serving. And this is what the covert narcissist does with compliments. If you are open-hearted and you are a vulnerable or gullible to their compliments, and don't realize because you're seeking that outside validation, don't realize that these compliments are just to boost up.

Outer social self-image, right? It's to boost up their ego. But again, when you're alone, they throw you subtle insults. They exclude you. Yes. These are all real things that happen. I've experienced. They gaslight you into thinking that your truth is not really the truth and it's not really the. reality . Yeah.

The truth is the only thing I can think of. They just make you feel like your thoughts are invalidated. Because if gas lits you and said, spun it around on you, they smirk, they do the eye rolls, their body language is cold. They start to sabotage certain relationships in your life or EV events. Quite honestly, just your self-esteem.

Because what they're doing is they're stepping on you to elevate their own self-esteem. And this is the painful part about covert narcissists, because it's not overt. People on the outside don't see it. They think they're perfect. They're wonderful people. They're in positions of power positions of. Leadership in, let's say like spiritual roles and highly esteemed roles.

You know, they may be a marriage counselor, but in their home, their marriage sucks, right? They're super controlling. They may be a counselor to other people. Let's say they're like adopted parents to other people, but to their own children. They're the worst, most neglectful parents on the. Right. So it's like everything outside of themselves to boost their self worth, their self image, and their ego.

So being with the covert narcissist, or having parents that are covert narcissist is very confusing. Their behaviors are confusing because you hold onto that love that they presented to you, but then, It, it's almost like a bipolar type of a thing, right? Where it's like they, they're, they love you, they give you affection, and then all of a sudden they're not there when you actually need them.

They're gone. They've split. They don't even contact you. They're not there, and you're like, Was that, What was that? I thought that they really cared for me. I thought that they really loved me, but when the actions show. that they're more self-centered. They are more focused on their victimhood. They're more focused on their insecurities, and that is when you know that they have a deep wound and they're selfish tendencies.

It doesn't have to even be diagnosed as N P D. It could just be selfish, right? Insecure wounds are preventing them from having genuinely loving, empathic. synchronistic relationships with others, even their children, and that's what's really, really difficult. And with this person who's a lover. They may buy you gifts and always regularly, you know, dot on you with maybe even foot massages.

But then if you don't fulfill their needs, then you're the bad person. You're the problem. It's all on you. You're so horrible. They may remove gifts they've given you. They may throw things, throw your phone. I mean, just get horrendously ugly with. Because you didn't meet their emotional needs when they asked.

We all should be able to fulfill our own emotional needs, and this is where this empath and narcissist, you know, dichotomy becomes one, the empath. You need to fulfill your own emotional needs, so you're not reliant on the narcissist anymore. The narcissist. You need to fulfill your own emotional needs so you are not abusing people.

This is the thing. This is how we join together to work on our own selves, to heal the collective, to heal our relationships, to remove this self-centered narcissism out of our existence, more so when the majority, of course is not gonna be 100% gone, but to be able to fulfill our own self-worth and self-love within ourselves.

Grow up, mature and don't hurt other people because you are hurt or you're not getting your needs fulfilled from the outside and all of the things that the covert narcissist does is they are designed to keep you complacent because they normalize the abuse because on one side of their mouth they're saying, I love you so much and I miss you.

Or Here's a flower. Whatever they're doing, right? Here's here, I'll buy you all the things you want as a child, but then on the other side, they're controlling. You have no self autonomy. They're telling you what to do all the time. They're ragging on you like you're lesser than, and you need to step it up and you need to be better.

So it's like, which one? , do you believe? And because they keep feeding you that love, you wanna please them, and you wanna do all those things to be better. It's like, um, one of the other episodes in Empath and Narcissist with Don Renee, she was physically abused and she first was mentally abused to accept the abuse because she would say, , he would always tell her, You made me mad, you did this.

And she was young enough and naive enough and vulnerable to. Yes, I said something that made you mad. So she would take the responsibility and the blame of the emotional abuse and then moving forward, the physical abuse. This is what they do to never take responsibility, and the time is now. Everybody and Dear Empaths to no longer take responsibility for the abuse that you are receiving.

Now is the time to rise. To heal and to be set free from these covert, narcissistic, manipulative tactics so that they can just keep doing their same old bad habits and toxic patterns, and to continue to abuse you and to continue to take, take, take. It's like that taking. Continuing to take, take, take. Well, if you allow them to take, then they will continue to take.

They will not change. So you have to build firm boundaries to not allow them to take anymore, to not allow them to abuse you anymore, even though it is painful and heartbreaking to not have them in your life to cut off. Behaviors in your life to cut them out, to go no contact, to put a boundary and say, If you continue to speak to me like that, I can't have you around at Christmas anymore.

Here's the thing that's really hard with covert narcissist is sometimes there's no behavior that you can really call out as a boundary, except for maybe a tiny, subtle thing like for instance, a mine. It's like you're always. Leaving me out of plans. And yes, that may be annoying that you have to include me in the plans, but to me that's not annoying.

That's what I would do naturally. Includes you all, everyone involved in the plans to, let's say for, to get together for Christmas, right? Holidays are coming up Thanksgiving. This is a really anxiety ridden time for all of us who have narcissists in our lives. So here's the thing, , just create your own plans and say,

No thank you. I'm not going cuz he probably won't even invite you to be honest. Right? I'm not expecting my family to invite me, . I'm not expecting them to include me in the plans cuz I've been the crazy one coming to the empty general store expecting to be on the shelf. Hey, we're gonna include you in the plans this year.

We're gonna actually want to hear what your input. And then it matters. That jar of we wanna hear what your input is and it matters, is not on the shelf. Never was on the shelf. And I keep coming to that same damn store to be like, Knock, knock. , will you include me and listen to my ideas about the plans for this year's Christmas that's never been in stock?

Never has been, never will be. I have to stop going to that store and creating my. , plans, right? My own traditions is the word. I was trying to find my own traditions for my holidays this Christmas season, this Thanksgiving season for my immediate family who I have. And it's especially important to make sure that your children are not pawns in the game of manipulation with the narcissist in the games of putting you down and lifting themselves.

Children do not deserve to be used as pawns in their emotional game cuz they're not mature enough. So this is just, , some advice of , not even expecting to have a beautiful and romantic holiday with your covert narcissist, cuz they're gonna ruin it. It's not gonna happen and it's all gonna come back to them as what they want and what they wish and how they're the victim.

And so there's really no point in like bringing up this whole topic of , You did this to me, so therefore I'm gonna draw a boundary. You just draw a boundary by creating your own plans, especially with the coverts, because there's nothing overt. Like when you hit me, then I leave. Like it's so covert.

So don't even engage in the covert narcissism. If you know it's there and you've woken up to it, just be. I have other plans and don't even worry about reaching out to make plans or if they invite you over cuz everything's perfect and they want everything, you know, all the the family to get together and make everything look perfect for social media or for their own ego.

And you feel always like threatened and always attacked when you go or ignored. Just don't go. You don't have to fulfill their dream and you don't have to be the pawn in their game either. food for thought so that we can stop being like pulled into the covert narcissist game every time. Right? It's like, so every year after year, I'm like, every time they've got me, every time I feel this immense heartache.

Right, So can guard your hearts, guard your minds. You can still be beautifully open and vulnerable with your heart, but with the right people, being wise to that and how to draw boundaries is one of my free workshops that I offer that you can grab in the link in the bio. And like I said, it may be a non-action boundary.

So there are exercises in that, how to draw boundaries for free workshop. That help you heal, that help you come to the mindset of I don't have to be pawn in that game anymore. I can become my own parent, my own mother for myself and I, especially if you have children and now for your children, but you definitely need it for yourself.

I can heal my inner child and all of these things are in the free how to Draw Powerful Boundaries Workshop. It's not. You need to say this, and that's a boundary. It is. It goes deeper into creating your reality and your mindset. Your, you know, our thoughts become things. So what we think and what we put in our mind and what we allow to control our mind.

I e let's say, let's not have the narcissist, the covert narcissist, control our mind. That creates your. So that workshop helps you do that. The workshop helps you heal and to create your own reality. It's free, it's self-guided. There's amazing exercises in there, journal prompts, and audio lesson from me and so much more.

So definitely wanna claim that free workshop in the link in the bio. I can't wait to hear your feedback on it and hear how inspiring it can be. I want, I really can't wait to hear in the dms and in the comments, what is your new tradition that you are setting up for this Christmas and Thanksgiving time?

What are you planning to do without the covert narcissist? Ah, so I feel, Thank you. Thank you. I feel like, I think that that was a bit of my, the end of my spiel. , thank you for being here.

I appreciate you.

Hey, empaths No matter what age you are. You can have emotional freedom when you leave the narcissist. Though the road may be bumpy. You can liberate yourself from the narcissist negative emotion cycle and create a positive life with this hidden truth. They are not telling you learn the secret that thousands of others have that enables them to live in safety, have a place they belong and know that they matter.

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This workshop that I've created guides you to find your own pathway out. It shows you how to rewrite the story of your life in your brain. And his workshop helps you do just It works because when it comes to the story of your life, Let no one else. Hold the pen. I'm just a guide for you on your path.

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: 2022

Claim your offer@wwwdotravenscott.show forward slash shop.

[: 00:26:14

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[: 00:27:02

I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever believe you.

If these phrases are. Familiar and you may be dealing with a narcissist

my book empath and the narcissist. Is for you. How to overcome narcissistic abuse and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, and manipulation.

With 20 plus healing resources, guided meditations and exercises with journal prompts for healing, including human design and astrology concepts.

With a bonus, the four ways to set powerful boundaries workshop included inside. Then you will definitely want to grab my book this season as we approach the holiday season. I wish to support you with a free digital copy of my book. You can download it for free@ravenscott.show forward slash and path. And the narcissist.

If you wish to feel alive again. And take back the power in your life and scroll to the show notes and click over to grab your free digital PDF. Copy of my book today.

And newsflash, you can listen to my book on audible.

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At Raven Scott dot. Show forward slash shop.

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Madhvi is helping people release Baggage breaking negative patterns and finding the root causes with the emotion and body code. Visit www dot Madhvi dot CA. That's M a D H V I dot. Dot CA. I can personally attest that this is an amazing way to heal trauma out that you can't do with meditation. And.

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