In today's episode, we're diving into a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately: self-love and its connection to sex and relationships. We've all heard the mantra that we need to love ourselves fully before we can find love elsewhere. But is that really true?

I've been pondering this question, and here's what I've realized: self-love isn't a destination; it's a journey. We're constantly evolving, and our feelings toward ourselves fluctuate from day to day. It's like a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and sometimes, we're not going to feel like we're at the peak of self-love.

I cringe whenever I hear the notion that we have to be at 100% self-love to enter into a relationship or enjoy sex. Life doesn't work that way. We're human, and we're bound to have days where we doubt ourselves or feel less than perfect.

Take me, for example. Just last week, I made a mistake at work, and my inner critic went into overdrive. In that moment, I wasn't loving myself; I was berating myself for messing up. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being in a loving, fulfilling relationship.

Self-love isn't about always feeling amazing about yourself; it's about showing up for yourself, even on the days when you're not feeling your best. It's about acknowledging your worth, even when you're struggling. And guess what? It's okay to not be okay sometimes.

When it comes to sex, the same principles apply. You don't have to be at 100% to enjoy intimacy with your partner. Some days, you might not be feeling it, and that's okay. Your partner should respect your boundaries and meet you where you're at.

So, as you go about your day, remember this: you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and connection. Self-love is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. And if nobody has told you today, let me be the first: you are lovable, you are worthy, and you are enough.

Next week, we'll delve into the topic of sexual shame, but for now, I hope this episode has given you some food for thought. Remember, you don't have to be at 100% to live a fulfilling life. Just show up as you are, and the rest will fall into place. Take care, and until next time.

Connect with Jess

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

Hey, today I was going to talk about

shame when it comes to sex and all

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the various surrounding sexual shame.

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As I was preparing for today's episode,

this one thing kept coming up on repeat

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in my head, and that was self love.

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One of the biggest things I've

been hearing a lot lately, probably

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for the past couple of years, is

that in order to find a fulfilling

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relationship or a fulfilling partnership

of any type of, you know, sorts,

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we first need to find self love.

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And this can be in any form of self love.

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That could be love in our personalities.

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our bodies, our potentials

as human beings.

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There's a whole lot of things that

encompass self love and I feel like

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there's this false narrative going around

about how we have to love ourselves

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wholly and fully before we can or should

enter into any type of relationship.

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Every single time that I have

seen a phrase That talks about,

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you're not going to find love.

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You're not going to find

sexual satisfaction.

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You're not going to find

a fill in the blank.

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Until you love yourself.

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I cringe.

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And the reason I cringe is

because I personally believe that

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self love is not an end point.

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It's not something that we can achieve.

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And what I mean by this is

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We are human beings with

brains that are self thinking.

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We are constantly having conversations

with ourselves in our head.

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We are constantly having external

forces, external thoughts

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and words fill in our brains.

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As well as our internal voices.

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This constant rigmarole that

happens inside of our brains

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is going to fuck with us.

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It's, it's, it's like

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we can't say to ourselves every

single morning, Today I'm going

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to love myself wholly and fully.

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Because we don't know what's

going to happen during the day.

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We might make a mistake.

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We might fumble the ball.

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And in those moments, we're

not going to love ourselves.

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We're going to look at ourselves and be

like, oh my gosh, why did you do that?

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Why did you fuck that up?

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Why did you say that?

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Why did you make that choice?

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And yes, after the fact, we can pause

and say to ourselves, hey, you're human.

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It happened.

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We all make mistakes, but in the

moment, we're More often than not,

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we're gonna beat ourselves up.

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Hell, I still beat myself up.

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You know, this past week, my boss was

on vacation, and I was like, there's

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this big entry due, I'm going to put

together the information, and I'm gonna

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send it off, even though I haven't

had a conversation with her about it.

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She knew that it needed to happen.

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I knew that it needed to happen, but

because she was out, We didn't get to

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have a conversation and I sent it and

she called me and she's like, Hey,

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I kind of wish you would have had

a conversation with me beforehand.

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And of course, immediately

I was like, Oh, I fucked up.

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I'm an idiot.

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She thinks I'm the worst employee.

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Oh my gosh.

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Like my brain spiraled in that moment.

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I wasn't loving myself

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moving forward.

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Doesn't always mean that within

five minutes or ten minutes, we

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can forgive ourselves and move on

and go back to loving ourselves.

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There are days where I wake up and

whether it's my hormones, whether it's

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all of these emotions happening, that

I seriously feel disgusted with myself.

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And

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I know that it's just my emotions and

I know that it's just my brain creating

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a story in my head that's not true.

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But because I'm human,

I have to have grace.

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And because I'm human, I have to

tell myself, Hey, just because you

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don't love yourself fully today, just

because there's a part of you that

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you think isn't worth loving, doesn't

mean that other people see that.

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I can't tell you how many times

I have texted my partner and

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been like, do you love me?

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And he tells me yes all the time.

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And he'll check in with me and be

like, do I act like I don't love you?

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Did I say something that makes

you feel like I don't love you?

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You know, I say to my friends sometimes,

I know I'm the boring one because there's

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self conscious thoughts happening that

are telling me that I'm not lovable.

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And yeah, those are things

that I have to work on.

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But I also have to recognize that

that doesn't define my worth.

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My thoughts towards myself.

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Don't get too determined.

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What other people see in me.

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Now, is it important to have self love,

to have some type of concept of your worth

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so that you don't put up with bullshit?

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100%.

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But I can also tell you from experience

that I have loved myself wholly and

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completely, been the most , confident

woman in the room, and still put

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up with poor treatment for men.

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And that poor treatment for men didn't

come from me and a lack of self love.

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That just came from me

not having boundaries.

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Being a people pleaser, finding the

first guy who was interested back in

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me, and being like, oh, he likes me.

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I, that must be it.

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That must be it.

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That must be the person that

I'm supposed to be with.

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But all of those things don't mean

that I had a lack of self love.

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Maybe self awareness, maybe

boundaries, maybe self respect.

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But I still loved myself, and I still

do love myself, but having moments where

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you're not fully and completely in

love with yourself, having moments

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where maybe you do lack a little bit of

boundaries, or You aren't fully capable

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of seeing your true worth and your

true value doesn't mean that you can't

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explore getting into a relationship.

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Because sometimes it takes being

in that relationship or being in

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that partnership for you to form.

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That love, or for you to form those types

of boundaries, because you learn as you're

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in each relationship, you learn through

your experiences, to determine what it

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is that you do love about yourself, to

determine what it is that you aren't

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going to put up with, to determine the

respect and the respect value of yourself.

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So I think a lot about

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how

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our society, our generation,

I'm a part of the millennial

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generation, puts this emphasis on

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growth, healing, going to therapy.

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And I agree with all of that.

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I've done a fair share of

growing and healing myself.

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And there's this emphasis on

you need to fix all your broken

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pieces before you can enter into

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And I feel like that just

creates a wall and an excuse.

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To prevent ourselves

from being vulnerable.

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Because I know I sure as hell am not

going to show up perfect every single day.

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I know that I'm going to

have days where I am sad.

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I'm going to have days where I'm angry.

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I'm going to have days where

I am frustrated beyond belief.

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But I'm also going to have days where I'm

joyful and excited and show up putting

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120 percent into myself, into my partners,

into my friends, into my family members.

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All of that, the good, the bad,

the in between gets to encompass

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who we are and really

how we love ourselves.

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Loving ourselves comes

in many shapes and sizes.

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It's going to be small some days,

it's going to be big other days.

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It's just like every other

feeling and emotion and how

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you show up every single day.

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I have done a multitude

of handful of exercises.

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That help me love myself more.

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Do I do them every day?

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No.

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Does it sometimes not make

that big of a difference?

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Yeah, but even though I might be lacking

in self love sometimes, it doesn't

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mean I don't get to show up to life.

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It doesn't mean that I have to be

100 percent in love with myself

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in order for life to happen.

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So that's why I cringe whenever I hear

this concept of you can't do X, Y,

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and Z until you love yourself fully.

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Because self love is another,

like, discipline thing.

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We have to show up for ourselves.

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We have to wake up every day

and say, Hey, I love you.

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When we have our bad moments, when we

make our mistakes, we have to show up

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for ourselves and say, Hey, I love you.

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You're worth it.

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And saying that isn't a heal all phrase.

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It's going to take some time sometimes to

work through the mending and the healing

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and the repairing that we need to do

on our own hearts and on our own souls.

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And the reason this concept kept

coming back to me as I was preparing

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for entering these conversations about

sex is because at the end of the day,

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sex is not just our physical bodies.

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It's our emotional body.

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It's our mental body.

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It's our spiritual body.

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It's all of us, in all of our forms.

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And there are going to be days where

you show up and you say, Hey, I don't

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like my physical form right now.

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But she's still worthy of being touched.

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He's still worthy of being pleasured.

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My physical form is still worthy.

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Or there might be days where

you're just emotionally spent.

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You're exhausted.

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You've put up with so much.

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But you also know that you want to

have that connection with your partner.

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Mm hmm.

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And so you're able to say, you know what?

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Emotionally, I'm not going to be present.

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Can we just have a quickie?

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Because not being 100 percent

doesn't mean that you have to

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shut off that sexual part of you.

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I'm not saying this to say that

you can't say no to sex because

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100 percent if you're not in the

mood, if you're not feeling it,

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you're always welcome to say no.

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But, what I'm also saying is,

your complete human person

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doesn't have to be all in.

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Doesn't have to be 100%.

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in order for you to show up and have sex.

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There are days and moments where

my body just doesn't feel 100%.

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I hurt my back in 2021.

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And it's taken a few years

to get my body to the point

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where having sex doesn't hurt,

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but I still showed up and had sex.

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Did I love that aspect of me?

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No!

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I hated that my back hurt while I was

having sex, or hurt after having sex.

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I hated that I couldn't be 100 percent

physically to connect with my partner.

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But you know what?

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I still showed up.

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Because sex is important to me.

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That connection with my

partner is important to me.

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And that was my choice.

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But that didn't mean that

I 100 percent loved myself.

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And in order to be in that intimate

relationship with my partner, I sure

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as hell did not have to 100 percent

love myself because I was still able

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to be

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their 60%, 70%, sometimes 20%.

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You know, the other day my partner

wanted to have sex and I had just had

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a shit ton of sushi and I was like,

dude, you asked at the wrong time.

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And he asked.

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And I said, okay, we can do it

doggy style and fast because

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I have to leave in 30 minutes.

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And right now he's very much into that

face to face connection, which is great,

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but not when I have a belly full of

sushi and I have to leave in 30 minutes.

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And so he was trying to have that face

to face connection and I was starting

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to feel like I'm going to throw up

because of all the weight on me.

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And the movement from sex and

I was like, dude, I really need

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you to get off of me right now.

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Like, stay connected with me, but it can't

be this intimate face to face connection.

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And he respected it.

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But again, it was that my body

wasn't 100 percent ready for it.

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I loved our connection.

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It was great sex.

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But my physical body wasn't 100

percent in that self love realm.

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Everything doesn't have to be perfect.

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And I want you to remember that.

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When it does come time to have sex,

or have intimate bonds, or intimate

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connections, or any sort of relation with

your partner, it doesn't have to be 100%.

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I think we've gotten into this cycle of,

I have to show up 100 percent in order

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for this to be enjoyable, pleasurable,

in order for whatever to percent in order

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for this to be enjoyable, pleasurable, in

order for whatever to come to fruition.

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And the answer is, is

we can't always be 100%.

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So, as you head into tomorrow, the

rest of today, the next week, the

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next year, whatever comes into your

life over the future, foreseeable

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future, remember this one thing.

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You do not have to be 100

percent in love with yourself.

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In order for good things to happen

to you, in order for you to be in

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a relationship, in order for you to

enjoy sex, in order for you to do or

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be or see or get or receive or give

whatever you want to throw in there.

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Self love is a moving target.

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It's gonna change from day to day.

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It's gonna be easy in the morning,

hard at night, or easy in the middle

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of the day, hard in the morning, gets a

little bit easier as you go to bed, and

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then halfway through the night at 3 a.

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m.

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you wake up, and you remember

something you did in middle school

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to Susie sitting in a corner, and

you hate yourself all over again.

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That's life.

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That's love.

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We feel those things towards

people in our, in our lives.

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Friends, family, we love them one

second, we hate them the next.

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But even in those moments of,

you're annoying the crap out of

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me right now, I still love you.

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And it's okay.

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I'll get back to seeing you

with rose colored glasses soon.

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But you showed me a side

of you that, right now, is

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irritating the crap out of me.

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And I need a moment.

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The same thing's gonna

happen with yourself.

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But the best thing to do is

to show up each day and say,

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Hey, you're still worth it.

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Hey, you might not be feeling

it, but I got you right now.

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Go ahead and, and take

a little bit of a break.

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Because, This, this amazing human

that you are standing right in front

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of me or whose body I am currently

occupying, because these are our

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internal voices talking to ourselves.

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You are still a rock star.

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You are still somebody who gets to kick

ass, but right now you're not feeling it.

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That's okay.

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I'm still here.

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I'm still riding with you.

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So as you progress forward, As

you prepare yourself for whatever

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it is that you have coming up.

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Just remember sometimes it's better

to show up in your 50, 60, 70

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percent than not show up at all.

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Because sometimes showing up

in your 60 percent is going to

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get you to your 100 percent.

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And vice versa, some days you

show up 100 percent and shit hits

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the fan and you're like, fuck.

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And you go home at 60 percent.

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And the same thing can be said about sex.

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There are days

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that I One thousand percent,

I'm just so turned on and

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want to have sex all day long.

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And then there are days where

I'm like, eh, and that doesn't

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mean anything about my partner.

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It's just where I'm at, but I still

show up for myself because I know That

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having that connection, whether or

not I'm having solo sex or sex with

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my partner, having that connection

physically, emotionally, spiritually,

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it does something inside of me and

it brings me closer to myself and

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it brings me closer to my partner.

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If I were to wait for every single day

that I felt like I was a hundred percent,

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I'd have sex very far and few between.

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I don't need to be a

hundred percent to have sex.

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There are days that I don't want to, but

I know that by showing up in that physical

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form with my partner or for myself

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often leads to a different and better

outcome than me just resigning myself to

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saying, I don't love myself right now.

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This isn't going to work.

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This isn't going to happen.

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And again, I'm not saying that you have

to say yes, and you have to have sex.

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What I'm saying is don't require

yourself to be a hundred percent.

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Don't require yourself to

fully and wholly love yourself

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to show up for yourself.

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Because sometimes you're just

going to be waiting and waiting and

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waiting Depending upon the season

that you're in and sometimes that

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showing up can get you to that.

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Maybe your partner does something,

kisses you, or touches you in a spot that

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you weren't a hundred percent liking.

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Or they say something that your brain

was telling you a false narrative about.

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And it shifts your perspective,

and you go, Oh, if they can touch

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me there, or kiss me there, or

if they can say that about me,

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then I can believe in myself too.

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Don't believe the hype when people

say you have to love yourself

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wholly in order to do whatever.

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In order to find a relationship.

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in order to have sex, in order to

have a meaningful connection with

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somebody, because it's bullshit,

and it pisses me off so much.

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If I could just like Every single time

that comes up, if I could just get

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paid a dollar and be a millionaire to

call that person, like, take it down.

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Because this is not true.

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This is not working.

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You're creating a false narrative.

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You're making it harder

for people to show up.

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I really want to scream from

the hills that self love is

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not a requirement in life.

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Does it help?

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Yeah.

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But again, it doesn't.

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It's a moving target.

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You're not gonna wake up 24 7, 365 days

a year, and be like, Thank fucking God

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that I love myself, because without it,

I wouldn't be able to accomplish this.

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I wouldn't feel satisfaction in this.

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I wouldn't have my partner.

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I wouldn't have the house that I live

in, because self love gave me all that.

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No.

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So love yourself, yes, but don't make

it the requirement, don't make it the

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expectation to show up for your life,

to show up for your sexual being.

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Just show up.

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Be you.

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60%, 70%, 100%, wherever you're at.

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Just show up.

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And more often than not, that

self love will come through.

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In that moment, in that experience,

and even if it doesn't come through

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at 100%, it gets you one step closer.

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You are lovable, you are

worthy, and if anyone

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feels like they aren't,

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that's okay.

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But I'm going to tell you

today that I love you,

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and I hope that that's enough to get

you through the rest of the day, to

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get you through the rest of the week.

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And when you're ready to love

yourself, great, hug yourself,

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make it a thing, celebrate it.

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But until then, I hope this helped

you realize that you don't have to.

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Be a hundred percent in to be worthy.

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Have a wonderful rest of your day.

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Have a wonderful rest of your week.

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We will get into talking

about sexual shame next week.

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I did feel like it was important to

talk about this before we delve into

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any of the other topics around sex.

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Because our human bodies, our

sexual bodies, aren't always

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going to feel a hundred percent.

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Have a great rest of your week.

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And I will talk to you next week.

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Bye.