Shownotes
Today’s story contains mention of self-destructive ideation, and self harm. Please listen at your own discretion.
When a friend drags Jay to his first pride event, he has to come to terms with aspects about himself and his dark past.
Today’s story is the second and final part of “The Embrace” by Lou le Loup, a biologist and internet wolf who writes in his free time as a hobby. He posts his work to his Furaffinity.
Read by Carrizo, Your Coyote in the Court.
thevoice.dog | Apple podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/the-embrace-by-lou-le-loup-part-2-of-2
Transcripts
You’re listening to
Speaker:Pride
Speaker:Month
Speaker:on
Speaker:The
Speaker:Voice
Speaker:of
Speaker:Dog.
Speaker:This
Speaker:is
Speaker:Rob
Speaker:MacWolf,
Speaker:your
Speaker:fellow
Speaker:traveler,
Speaker:and
Speaker:Today’s
Speaker:story
Speaker:is
Speaker:the
Speaker:second
Speaker:and
Speaker:final
Speaker:part
Speaker:of “The
Speaker:Embrace”
Speaker:by
Speaker:Lou
Speaker:le Loup,
Speaker:a biologist
Speaker:and
Speaker:internet wolf
Speaker:who
Speaker:writes
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:free
Speaker:time
Speaker:as
Speaker:a
Speaker:hobby.
Speaker:He
Speaker:posts
Speaker:his
Speaker:work
Speaker:to
Speaker:his
Speaker:Furaffinity.
Last
time,
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:finally
Speaker:got
Speaker:Jay
Speaker:to
Speaker:come
Speaker:with
Speaker:her
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:Rainbow Social of the 2006 fall semester,
Speaker:despite
Speaker:his
Speaker:fear
Speaker:of
Speaker:not
Speaker:being
Speaker:accepted
Speaker:by
Speaker:his
Speaker:own
Speaker:community,
Speaker:and
Speaker:his
Speaker:fear
Speaker:of
Speaker:running
Speaker:into
Speaker:Matthew.
Speaker:To
Speaker:his
Speaker:surprise,
Speaker:though,
Speaker:the
Speaker:bear
Speaker:was
Speaker:not
Speaker:there
Speaker:when
Speaker:he
Speaker:showed
Speaker:up,
Speaker:and
Speaker:Jay
Speaker:was
Speaker:accepted
Speaker:with
Speaker:open
Speaker:arms by
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:present.
Speaker:But
Speaker:when
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:eventually
Speaker:did
Speaker:make
Speaker:it
Speaker:in
Speaker:and
Speaker:was
Speaker:only
Speaker:shocked
Speaker:and
Speaker:confused
Speaker:to see
Speaker:the
Speaker:wolf
Speaker:there,
Speaker:Jay
Speaker:had
Speaker:to
Speaker:step
Speaker:out
Speaker:and
Speaker:collect
Speaker:himself.
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:was
Speaker:there
Speaker:to
Speaker:help
Speaker:talk
Speaker:some
Speaker:sense
Speaker:into
Speaker:him,
Speaker:and
Speaker:she
Speaker:convinced
Speaker:him
Speaker:to
Speaker:finally
Speaker:talk
Speaker:to
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:in years.
Please
enjoy
“The
Embrace”
Speaker:by
Speaker:Lou
Speaker:le Loup,
Speaker:part
Speaker:two
Speaker:of
Speaker:two.
We
made
Speaker:our
Speaker:way
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:meet,
Speaker:and
Speaker:when
Speaker:we
Speaker:opened
Speaker:the
Speaker:door,
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:was
Speaker:deep
Speaker:in
Speaker:conversation
Speaker:with the
Speaker:women
Speaker:at
Speaker:his
Speaker:table,
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:and
Speaker:smiling,
Speaker:and
Speaker:god,
Speaker:I
Speaker:did
Speaker:not
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:take
Speaker:that
Speaker:away
Speaker:from
Speaker:him.
Speaker:Still,
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:led
Speaker:me
Speaker:over
Speaker:to
Speaker:their
Speaker:table.
She
tapped
Speaker:on
Speaker:Matthew’s
Speaker:shoulder. “Matty!
Speaker:It’s
Speaker:good
Speaker:to
Speaker:see ya!”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said,
Speaker:and
Speaker:he
Speaker:turned
Speaker:around
Speaker:to
Speaker:look
Speaker:at
Speaker:us.
Speaker:The
Speaker:others
Speaker:at
Speaker:his
Speaker:table
Speaker:kept
Speaker:talking
Speaker:amongst
Speaker:themselves.
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:recoiled
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit
Speaker:when
Speaker:he
Speaker:saw
Speaker:me
Speaker:so
Speaker:close
Speaker:by,
Speaker:and
Speaker:that
Speaker:just
Speaker:gutted
Speaker:me
Speaker:to
Speaker:see.
Speaker:He
Speaker:refocused
Speaker:all
Speaker:his
Speaker:attention
Speaker:toward
Speaker:Lav.
“Oh
my
Speaker:god!”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said.
Speaker:His
Speaker:baritone
Speaker:voice
Speaker:could
Speaker:have
Speaker:the
Speaker:power
Speaker:to
Speaker:shake
Speaker:the
Speaker:room
Speaker:if
Speaker:he
Speaker:tried,
Speaker:but
Speaker:he
Speaker:always
Speaker:spoke
Speaker:so
Speaker:gently. “Is
Speaker:that
Speaker:Lavender?
Speaker:You’ve
Speaker:been
Speaker:getting
Speaker:better
Speaker:at
Speaker:doing
Speaker:your
Speaker:makeup!
Speaker:How’re
Speaker:you
Speaker:doing,
Speaker:girl?”
“Oh
I’m
Speaker:doing
Speaker:great!”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said. “But
Speaker:we’ll
Speaker:catch
Speaker:up
Speaker:later.
Speaker:Before
Speaker:that,
Speaker:my
Speaker:friend
Speaker:here
Speaker:wants
Speaker:to
Speaker:talk
Speaker:with
Speaker:you
Speaker:for
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit,
Speaker:okay?”
Speaker:Apprehensively,
Speaker:I
Speaker:lifted my
Speaker:paw
Speaker:to wave at him, forcing myself
Speaker:to
Speaker:put
Speaker:on
Speaker:a
Speaker:little
Speaker:smile.
Matthew
took
Speaker:a
Speaker:long
Speaker:moment
Speaker:to
Speaker:himself,
Speaker:before
Speaker:saying, “Uh..
Speaker:yeah.
Speaker:Sure.”
“Great!”
Lav
Speaker:said,
Speaker:and
Speaker:she
Speaker:pointed
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:corner
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:room,
Speaker:where
Speaker:two
Speaker:sofa
Speaker:chairs
Speaker:were
Speaker:hiding. “There’s
Speaker:a
Speaker:good
Speaker:place
Speaker:to
Speaker:chat
Speaker:where
Speaker:no
Speaker:one
Speaker:will
Speaker:bother
Speaker:you.
Speaker:Have
Speaker:so
Speaker:much
Speaker:fun,
Speaker:you
Speaker:guys!!!”
Speaker:And
Speaker:she
Speaker:literally
Speaker:ran
Speaker:away.
Oh
my
Speaker:god,
Speaker:what
Speaker:an
Speaker:asshole,
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought,
Speaker:as I
Speaker:forced
Speaker:myself
Speaker:to
Speaker:walk
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:sofa
Speaker:chairs
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew. We
Speaker:sat
Speaker:across
Speaker:from
Speaker:each
Speaker:other,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:bring
Speaker:myself
Speaker:to
Speaker:look
Speaker:him
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:eyes
Speaker:just
Speaker:yet.
Speaker:And as
Speaker:I sat
Speaker:there with
Speaker:him,
Speaker:I
Speaker:realized
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:no
Speaker:fucking
Speaker:clue
Speaker:what
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:going
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:to
Speaker:him.
Matthew
was
Speaker:the
Speaker:one
Speaker:who
Speaker:eventually
Speaker:broke
Speaker:the
Speaker:long
Speaker:moment
Speaker:of
Speaker:silence. “Well?
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:what
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:is
Speaker:doing
Speaker:hanging
Speaker:out
Speaker:with
Speaker:you,
Speaker:of
Speaker:all
Speaker:people,
Speaker:but
Speaker:here
Speaker:I
Speaker:am.
Speaker:So,
Speaker:what
Speaker:is
Speaker:it.”
Speaker:That
Speaker:last
Speaker:bit
Speaker:was
Speaker:spoken
Speaker:more
Speaker:declaratively
Speaker:than
Speaker:as a
Speaker:question.
Speaker:I
Speaker:winced
Speaker:hearing
Speaker:his
Speaker:frustration.
“Well,
uh..”
Speaker:I
Speaker:started,
Speaker:but then I
Speaker:froze
Speaker:again.
“Look,
Jay,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said, “I
Speaker:have
Speaker:absolutely
Speaker:nothing
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:to
Speaker:you.
Speaker:So
Speaker:whatever
Speaker:you
Speaker:wanna
Speaker:say,
Speaker:just
Speaker:spit
Speaker:it
Speaker:out,
Speaker:or
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:going
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:my
Speaker:table.”
I
was
Speaker:still
Speaker:frozen,
Speaker:still
Speaker:searching
Speaker:for
Speaker:words that
Speaker:simply
Speaker:weren’t
Speaker:coming
Speaker:to
Speaker:me.
“Alright
man,
Speaker:whatever,”
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said, and
Speaker:he
Speaker:got
Speaker:up
Speaker:from
Speaker:his
Speaker:chair.
As
I
Speaker:saw
Speaker:what
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:doing,
Speaker:I
Speaker:blurted
Speaker:out, “I’m
Speaker:sorry.”
He
sat
Speaker:back
Speaker:down. “What’s
Speaker:that?”
Speaker:he
Speaker:asked.
“I
wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:tell
Speaker:you
Speaker:that
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:sorry,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said.
“Tch,”
he
Speaker:laughed
Speaker:bitterly,
Speaker:then
Speaker:shook
Speaker:his
Speaker:head. “Sure
Speaker:you
Speaker:are.
Speaker:Only
Speaker:took
Speaker:you,
Speaker:what,
Speaker:two
Speaker:years?
Speaker:Three?
Speaker:Before
Speaker:you
Speaker:come
Speaker:into
Speaker:what’s
Speaker:supposed
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:a
Speaker:safe
Speaker:space
Speaker:for
Speaker:people
Speaker:like
Speaker:me?”
My
heart
Speaker:was
Speaker:thumping
Speaker:hard
Speaker:as
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:breaking. “I
Speaker:know,
Speaker:I
Speaker:know,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said. “I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:mean
Speaker:to-”
“You
didn’t
Speaker:mean
Speaker:to?”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said,
Speaker:cutting
Speaker:me
Speaker:off. “I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:know, what
Speaker:you
Speaker:did
Speaker:seemed
Speaker:pretty
Speaker:damn
Speaker:deliberate.”
“That’s
not
Speaker:what
Speaker:I
Speaker:meant-”
“Then
what
Speaker:DID
Speaker:you
Speaker:mean?
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:so
Speaker:vulnerable,
Speaker:dude.
Speaker:I
Speaker:needed
Speaker:a
Speaker:friend.
Speaker:And
Speaker:you…”
Speaker:Tears
Speaker:welled
Speaker:up
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:eyes. “Fuck,
Speaker:man, I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:trust
Speaker:you,
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:be
Speaker:safe
Speaker:with
Speaker:you,
Speaker:I
Speaker:really
Speaker:did,
Speaker:but
Speaker:that
Speaker:was
Speaker:so
Speaker:bullshit.
Speaker:And
Speaker:then
Speaker:I
Speaker:found
Speaker:this
Speaker:place,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:be
Speaker:safe
Speaker:here,
Speaker:too,
Speaker:but
Speaker:here
Speaker:you
Speaker:are
Speaker:again!
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:even
Speaker:know
Speaker:what
Speaker:a
Speaker:straight
Speaker:guy
Speaker:like
Speaker:you
Speaker:wants
Speaker:to
Speaker:do
Speaker:in
Speaker:this
Speaker:space.
Speaker:I
Speaker:know
Speaker:they
Speaker:say ‘all
Speaker:are
Speaker:welcome’,
Speaker:but
Speaker:they
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:mean
Speaker:anyone
Speaker:dangerous
Speaker:to
Speaker:us,
Speaker:anyone
Speaker:like
Speaker:you.”
Every
word
Speaker:was
Speaker:like
Speaker:a
Speaker:dagger
Speaker:ripping
Speaker:through
Speaker:my
Speaker:pelt.
Speaker:Every
Speaker:part
Speaker:of
Speaker:me
Speaker:was
Speaker:screaming
Speaker:at
Speaker:me
Speaker:to
Speaker:just
Speaker:let
Speaker:him
Speaker:be,
Speaker:just
Speaker:say
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:sorry
Speaker:and
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:should
Speaker:just
Speaker:leave.
Speaker:But
Speaker:I
Speaker:saw
Speaker:the
Speaker:broken
Speaker:look
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:eyes,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:needed
Speaker:him
Speaker:to
Speaker:know,
Speaker:whether
Speaker:he’d
Speaker:accept
Speaker:me
Speaker:back
Speaker:or
Speaker:not,
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:changed.
Speaker:So
Speaker:I
Speaker:said, “I
Speaker:really
Speaker:do
Speaker:want
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:feel
Speaker:safe
Speaker:here.
Speaker:I
Speaker:wish
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:take
Speaker:it
Speaker:all
Speaker:back.”
He
laughed
Speaker:again,
Speaker:looked
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:side
Speaker:and
Speaker:shook
Speaker:his
Speaker:head. “Just…
Speaker:Why
Speaker:did
Speaker:you
Speaker:do
Speaker:it,
Speaker:man?”
Speaker:he
Speaker:asked.
Even
though
Speaker:it
Speaker:terrified
Speaker:me,
Speaker:I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:be
Speaker:anything
Speaker:other
Speaker:than
Speaker:honest
Speaker:with
Speaker:him. “Because
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:jealous.”
He
was
Speaker:taken
Speaker:aback
Speaker:by
Speaker:that. “Wait, wha-”
And
the
Speaker:front
Speaker:door
Speaker:slammed
Speaker:open.
Speaker:My
Speaker:head
Speaker:snapped
Speaker:over
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:sudden
Speaker:noise
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:two
Speaker:boys,
Speaker:a boar and
Speaker:an
Speaker:otter,
Speaker:waltzing
Speaker:into
Speaker:the
Speaker:room. “Oh,
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:dude,
Speaker:I
Speaker:think
Speaker:this
Speaker:is
Speaker:the
Speaker:place,”
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:said
Speaker:with
Speaker:a
Speaker:wicked
Speaker:grin.
Speaker:His
Speaker:voice
Speaker:was
Speaker:weak,
Speaker:but
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:projecting
Speaker:it
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:whole
Speaker:room
Speaker:to
Speaker:hear,
Speaker:like
Speaker:he
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:noticed.
Reese stood
up
Speaker:from
Speaker:her
Speaker:chair
Speaker:to
Speaker:greet
Speaker:the
Speaker:two. “Hey there!
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:Reese.
Speaker:You’re
Speaker:looking for
Speaker:the
Speaker:Rainbow
Speaker:Social?”
Speaker:she
Speaker:asked. “It’s
Speaker:always
Speaker:great
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:new
Speaker:faces
Speaker:around
Speaker:here.”
“Yeah
man,
Speaker:this
Speaker:is
Speaker:it,”
Speaker:the
Speaker:otter
Speaker:said
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar,
Speaker:ignoring
Speaker:Reese.
Speaker:He
Speaker:seemed
Speaker:more
Speaker:reserved
Speaker:than
Speaker:his
Speaker:friend.
“Perfect,”
the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:said,
Speaker:joining
Speaker:his hooves
Speaker:together. “Never
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:see
Speaker:so
Speaker:many
Speaker:fruitcakes
Speaker:in
Speaker:one
Speaker:place
Speaker:in
Speaker:person.”
I
cringed,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:heard
Speaker:a
Speaker:few
Speaker:gasps
Speaker:around
Speaker:the
Speaker:room.
“Oh
my
Speaker:god,”
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said
Speaker:under
Speaker:his
Speaker:breath,
Speaker:still
Speaker:sitting
Speaker:down
Speaker:across
Speaker:from
Speaker:me. “What
Speaker:the
Speaker:hell is
Speaker:going
Speaker:on
Speaker:today?”
Reese’s
expression
Speaker:never
Speaker:faltered as
Speaker:she
Speaker:said, “Well,
Speaker:we
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:like
Speaker:using
Speaker:terms
Speaker:of
Speaker:that
Speaker:nature
Speaker:here,
Speaker:but
Speaker:yes,
Speaker:this
Speaker:is
Speaker:a
Speaker:safe
Speaker:space
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:queer
Speaker:community
Speaker:on
Speaker:campus.”
“Oh,
well
Speaker:that’s
Speaker:great,”
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:said
Speaker:with
Speaker:a
Speaker:devious
Speaker:grin. “We
Speaker:just
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:what
Speaker:this
Speaker:whole
Speaker:thing
Speaker:was
Speaker:like.”
Speaker:His
Speaker:voice
Speaker:commanded
Speaker:the
Speaker:attention
Speaker:of
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:room.
“Oh?”
Reese said. “Well,
Speaker:this
Speaker:is
Speaker:a
Speaker:safe
Speaker:space
Speaker:for the
Speaker:curious
Speaker:among
Speaker:us
Speaker:as
Speaker:well.
Speaker:Is
Speaker:that
Speaker:all
Speaker:that
Speaker:brought
Speaker:you
Speaker:here
Speaker:tonight?”
“Well,
that,”
Speaker:the boar
Speaker:said, “and
Speaker:we just
Speaker:wanted to have
Speaker:an…
Speaker:open
Speaker:dialogue,
Speaker:if
Speaker:you
Speaker:will,
Speaker:since
Speaker:you
Speaker:people
Speaker:seem
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:so
Speaker:adamant
Speaker:about
Speaker:respect,
Speaker:and
Speaker:that
Speaker:sort
Speaker:of
Speaker:thing.”
The
whole
Speaker:room
Speaker:was
Speaker:silent.
Speaker:I
Speaker:looked
Speaker:over
Speaker:to
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:from
Speaker:across
Speaker:the
Speaker:room,
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:her
Speaker:looking
Speaker:back
Speaker:at
Speaker:me
Speaker:too,
Speaker:arching
Speaker:an
Speaker:eyebrow.
Reese
took
Speaker:a
Speaker:brief
Speaker:moment
Speaker:before
Speaker:she
Speaker:responded. “Well…
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:frank,
Speaker:this
Speaker:is
Speaker:more
Speaker:of
Speaker:a
Speaker:social
Speaker:gathering,
Speaker:not
Speaker:a
Speaker:space
Speaker:for
Speaker:debate,
Speaker:so-”
“The
poster
Speaker:said ‘all
Speaker:are
Speaker:welcome’,
Speaker:does
Speaker:that
Speaker:not
Speaker:include
Speaker:us?”
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:asked.
“That
depends,”
Speaker:Reese said. “Are
Speaker:you
Speaker:here
Speaker:in
Speaker:good
Speaker:faith?
Speaker:Or
Speaker:are
Speaker:you
Speaker:here
Speaker:to
Speaker:stir
Speaker:up
Speaker:some conflict?”
“Woah, woah, woah!” the boar said, lifting
up his hooves
Speaker:into
Speaker:the
Speaker:air. “Already
Speaker:spitting
Speaker:out
Speaker:accusations!
Speaker:And
Speaker:here
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:you
Speaker:guys
Speaker:were
Speaker:supposed
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:tolerant.”
Speaker:His
Speaker:smirk
Speaker:was
Speaker:back.
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:be
Speaker:more
Speaker:scared
Speaker:being
Speaker:on
Speaker:the
Speaker:receiving
Speaker:end,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:just
Speaker:cringed
Speaker:inwardly
Speaker:thinking
Speaker:how
Speaker:much
Speaker:they
Speaker:reminded
Speaker:me
Speaker:of
Speaker:myself.
I
saw
Speaker:Reese
Speaker:clench her
Speaker:jaw
Speaker:for
Speaker:just
Speaker:a
Speaker:moment. “Okay,”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said, “what
Speaker:is
Speaker:it
Speaker:you
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:discuss?”
“Well,
I’m
Speaker:glad
Speaker:that you asked!”
Speaker:the boar said. “I
Speaker:follow in
Speaker:God’s
Speaker:word
Speaker:that
Speaker:marriage
Speaker:is
Speaker:meant
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:between
Speaker:a
Speaker:man
Speaker:and
Speaker:a
Speaker:woman.
Speaker:Frankly,
Speaker:I
Speaker:find
Speaker:the
Speaker:very
Speaker:existence
Speaker:of
Speaker:this
Speaker:whole
Speaker:thing
Speaker:you
Speaker:got
Speaker:goin’
Speaker:on
Speaker:here
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:an
Speaker:abomination.”
Speaker:His
Speaker:disgustingly
Speaker:smug
Speaker:grin
Speaker:was
Speaker:on
Speaker:full
Speaker:display
Speaker:as
Speaker:the
Speaker:whole
Speaker:room
Speaker:looked
Speaker:slack
Speaker:jawed
Speaker:at the two.
Speaker:The otter
Speaker:looked
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:side,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:he
Speaker:looked
Speaker:uncomfortable
Speaker:standing
Speaker:next
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar as he
Speaker:spoke.
“Oh
my
Speaker:god,”
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said
Speaker:once
Speaker:again,
Speaker:too
Speaker:low
Speaker:for
Speaker:anyone but me to hear. He was beginning to rock back and
Speaker:forth
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:chair.
Reese
closed
Speaker:her
Speaker:eyes
Speaker:for
Speaker:a
Speaker:good
Speaker:moment,
Speaker:before
Speaker:saying, “Well,
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:is
Speaker:certainly
Speaker:entitled
Speaker:to
Speaker:their
Speaker:own
Speaker:opinions,
Speaker:but
Speaker:that
Speaker:kind
Speaker:of
Speaker:talk
Speaker:is
Speaker:not
Speaker:welcomed
Speaker:here.
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:going
Speaker:to
Speaker:have
Speaker:to
Speaker:ask
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:leave.”
“Oh,
you’re
Speaker:really
Speaker:gonna
Speaker:kick
Speaker:us
Speaker:out?”
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:said. “We’re
Speaker:gonna
Speaker:be
Speaker:kicked
Speaker:out
Speaker:for
Speaker:using
Speaker:our
Speaker:first
Speaker:amendment
Speaker:right
Speaker:to
Speaker:free
Speaker:speech?
Speaker:Wow!”
Speaker:He
Speaker:laughed
Speaker:and
Speaker:elbowed
Speaker:his
Speaker:friend,
Speaker:but
Speaker:the otter
Speaker:started
Speaker:to
Speaker:look
Speaker:embarrassed.
Speaker:But
Speaker:neither
Speaker:of
Speaker:them
Speaker:were
Speaker:leaving.
Reese
and
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:continued
Speaker:going
Speaker:back
Speaker:and
Speaker:forth
Speaker:like
Speaker:this.
Speaker:She
Speaker:seemed
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:getting
Speaker:flustered.
Speaker:I
Speaker:looked
Speaker:over
Speaker:to
Speaker:Lav,
Speaker:thinking
Speaker:she
Speaker:would
Speaker:speak
Speaker:up.
Speaker:She
Speaker:certainly
Speaker:never
Speaker:had
Speaker:any
Speaker:trouble
Speaker:telling
Speaker:me
Speaker:exactly
Speaker:how
Speaker:she
Speaker:felt,
Speaker:after
Speaker:all.
Speaker:But
Speaker:she
Speaker:was
Speaker:just
Speaker:sitting
Speaker:with
Speaker:her
Speaker:head
Speaker:in
Speaker:her
Speaker:hooves.
Speaker:Simone
Speaker:was
Speaker:sitting
Speaker:near
Speaker:her,
Speaker:just
Speaker:looking
Speaker:worried.
Speaker:I
Speaker:turned
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:thinking
Speaker:he
Speaker:could
Speaker:scare
Speaker:them
Speaker:off.
Speaker:The
Speaker:bear
Speaker:was
Speaker:probably
Speaker:heavier
Speaker:than
Speaker:those
Speaker:two
Speaker:combined,
Speaker:and
Speaker:he
Speaker:could
Speaker:boom
Speaker:out
Speaker:his
Speaker:voice
Speaker:if
Speaker:he
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to.
Speaker:But
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:just
Speaker:sitting
Speaker:tightly
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:chair,
Speaker:looking
Speaker:like
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:going
Speaker:to
Speaker:cry. It
Speaker:broke
Speaker:my
Speaker:heart.
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:this
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:a
Speaker:safe
Speaker:space
Speaker:for him.
Speaker:I
Speaker:looked
Speaker:all
Speaker:around
Speaker:the
Speaker:room
Speaker:at
Speaker:all
Speaker:the
Speaker:silent
Speaker:bystanders,
Speaker:thinking
Speaker:someone
Speaker:would
Speaker:help
Speaker:Reese
Speaker:out,
Speaker:surely
Speaker:someone
Speaker:will,
Speaker:but
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:kept
Speaker:spouting
Speaker:out
Speaker:his
Speaker:unfiltered
Speaker:hate,
Speaker:and I…
I…
I
was 18,
Speaker:and
Speaker:my
Speaker:father’s
Speaker:body
Speaker:was
Speaker:found
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:waters
Speaker:far
Speaker:below
Speaker:the
Speaker:cliff at
Speaker:the
Speaker:end
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:old dirt
Speaker:road.
Speaker:I
Speaker:knew
Speaker:most
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:people who
Speaker:came
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:funeral, all
Speaker:but
Speaker:the
Speaker:tall and
Speaker:slender
Speaker:red
Speaker:fox
Speaker:who
Speaker:seemed
Speaker:to
Speaker:take
Speaker:my
Speaker:father’s
Speaker:death
Speaker:harder
Speaker:than
Speaker:those I
Speaker:actually
Speaker:knew. I
Speaker:only
Speaker:realised
Speaker:while
Speaker:going
Speaker:through
Speaker:his
Speaker:affairs
Speaker:who
Speaker:this
Speaker:man
Speaker:was to
Speaker:my
Speaker:father,
Speaker:who
Speaker:they
Speaker:were
Speaker:to
Speaker:each
Speaker:other.
And
I
Speaker:knew
Speaker:that
Speaker:someone
Speaker:had
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:me.
Even
though
Speaker:my
Speaker:heart
Speaker:was
Speaker:pounding,
Speaker:I
Speaker:ignored
Speaker:the
Speaker:nausea,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:stood
Speaker:up,
Speaker:walked
Speaker:forward
Speaker:from
Speaker:the
Speaker:corner
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:room,
Speaker:and
Speaker:said, “You
Speaker:know…”
The
boar
Speaker:turned
Speaker:his
Speaker:gaze
Speaker:toward
Speaker:me.
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:if
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:intimidated
Speaker:by
Speaker:my
Speaker:size,
Speaker:or
Speaker:my
Speaker:species,
Speaker:or
Speaker:whatever,
Speaker:but
Speaker:he
Speaker:seemed
Speaker:to
Speaker:falter
Speaker:when
Speaker:I
Speaker:approached
Speaker:him.
I
continued. “I
Speaker:spent
Speaker:most
Speaker:of
Speaker:my
Speaker:life
Speaker:doing
Speaker:this
Speaker:same
Speaker:kind
Speaker:of
Speaker:thing,
Speaker:trying
Speaker:to
Speaker:make
Speaker:others
Speaker:feel
Speaker:sorry
Speaker:for
Speaker:themselves,
Speaker:just
Speaker:because
Speaker:they
Speaker:let
Speaker:themselves
Speaker:be
Speaker:happy,
Speaker:when
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:allow
Speaker:myself
Speaker:the
Speaker:same.
Speaker:And
Speaker:let
Speaker:me
Speaker:tell
Speaker:you,
Speaker:it
Speaker:is
Speaker:no
Speaker:way
Speaker:to
Speaker:live.”
The
boar
Speaker:rolled
Speaker:his
Speaker:eyes. “Oh,
Speaker:is
Speaker:that
Speaker:so,
Speaker:queer?”
Speaker:He
Speaker:laughed.
The
otter
Speaker:just…
Speaker:stared
Speaker:at
Speaker:me.
“It
is,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said
Speaker:honestly. “And
Speaker:you
Speaker:know
Speaker:what?
Speaker:I
Speaker:feel
Speaker:sorry
Speaker:for
Speaker:you.”
The
boar
Speaker:started
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:again.
Speaker:The
Speaker:otter
Speaker:stayed
Speaker:staring.
“No,
really,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:continued, “I
Speaker:do.
Speaker:I
Speaker:hope
Speaker:you’re
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:work
Speaker:through…
Speaker:whatever
Speaker:it
Speaker:is
Speaker:you’re
Speaker:going
Speaker:through
Speaker:right
Speaker:now,
Speaker:that
Speaker:makes
Speaker:you
Speaker:feel
Speaker:the
Speaker:need
Speaker:to
Speaker:take
Speaker:it
Speaker:out
Speaker:on
Speaker:others
Speaker:who
Speaker:are
Speaker:happier
Speaker:than
Speaker:you
Speaker:probably
Speaker:ever
Speaker:have
Speaker:been.”
Speaker:That
Speaker:wiped
Speaker:the
Speaker:smile
Speaker:off
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar’s
Speaker:face.
Speaker:I
Speaker:went
Speaker:on. “I’ve
Speaker:been
Speaker:there,
Speaker:believe
Speaker:me. I’m
Speaker:telling
Speaker:you
Speaker:right
Speaker:now,
Speaker:it’s
Speaker:not
Speaker:too
Speaker:late.
Speaker:It
Speaker:gets
Speaker:better.
Speaker:If
Speaker:it
Speaker:got
Speaker:better
Speaker:for
Speaker:me,
Speaker:then
Speaker:it
Speaker:can
Speaker:for
Speaker:you,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:But
Speaker:only
Speaker:if
Speaker:you
Speaker:have
Speaker:the courage
Speaker:to
Speaker:let
Speaker:it.”
The
boar
Speaker:stayed
Speaker:silent
Speaker:for
Speaker:a
Speaker:good
Speaker:moment. I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:tell
Speaker:if
Speaker:he
Speaker:looked
Speaker:annoyed,
Speaker:or
Speaker:frustrated,
Speaker:or
Speaker:was
Speaker:just
Speaker:getting
Speaker:tired
Speaker:of
Speaker:what
Speaker:he
Speaker:was
Speaker:doing. “Tch.
Speaker:Whatever
Speaker:man,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:finally
Speaker:said. “This
Speaker:place
Speaker:fuckin’
Speaker:blows
Speaker:anyway.
Speaker:Let’s
Speaker:go,
Speaker:dude.” And
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:turned
Speaker:and
Speaker:walked
Speaker:toward
Speaker:the
Speaker:door.
But
the
Speaker:otter
Speaker:did
Speaker:not
Speaker:turn
Speaker:to
Speaker:leave.
Speaker:He
Speaker:was
Speaker:still
Speaker:staring
Speaker:at
Speaker:me.
Speaker:The
Speaker:look
Speaker:on
Speaker:his
Speaker:face
Speaker:took
Speaker:a
Speaker:little
Speaker:longer
Speaker:for
Speaker:me
Speaker:to
Speaker:discern,
Speaker:but
Speaker:after
Speaker:a
Speaker:few
Speaker:moments,
Speaker:I
Speaker:recognized
Speaker:it. It
Speaker:was
Speaker:the
Speaker:face
Speaker:I
Speaker:gave
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:she
Speaker:wore
Speaker:a
Speaker:skirt
Speaker:in
Speaker:front
Speaker:of
Speaker:me.
Speaker:I didn’t
Speaker:have
Speaker:anything
Speaker:else
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:with
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:still
Speaker:in
Speaker:earshot,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:tried
Speaker:to
Speaker:give
Speaker:the
Speaker:otter a
Speaker:look
Speaker:with
Speaker:my
Speaker:eyes that
Speaker:said, “I
Speaker:see
Speaker:you.”
Speaker:He
Speaker:took
Speaker:notice,
Speaker:and
Speaker:looked
Speaker:away.
“Dude.
You
Speaker:comin’?”
Speaker:the
Speaker:boar
Speaker:called
Speaker:after
Speaker:him.
And
after
Speaker:a
Speaker:brief
Speaker:moment,
Speaker:he
Speaker:said, “Yeah…
Speaker:Yeah,
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:comin’.”
Speaker:And
Speaker:he,
Speaker:too,
Speaker:turned
Speaker:and
Speaker:left,
Speaker:closing
Speaker:the
Speaker:door
Speaker:behind
Speaker:him.
The
room
Speaker:felt
Speaker:a
Speaker:collective
Speaker:sigh
Speaker:of
Speaker:relief
Speaker:as
Speaker:the
Speaker:two
Speaker:left.
Speaker:A
Speaker:few
Speaker:started
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:it
Speaker:off.
Speaker:Everyone
Speaker:went
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:their
Speaker:own
Speaker:conversations,
Speaker:a
Speaker:low
Speaker:rumble
Speaker:of
Speaker:voices
Speaker:filling
Speaker:the
Speaker:room.
Speaker:As
Speaker:I
Speaker:turned
Speaker:back
Speaker:around
Speaker:to
Speaker:face
Speaker:the
Speaker:rest
Speaker:of
Speaker:them
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:since
Speaker:I
Speaker:started
Speaker:talking,
Speaker:I
Speaker:noticed
Speaker:how
Speaker:much
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:shaking.
Lav ran
up
Speaker:to me. “OMG!”
Speaker:she
Speaker:shouted,
Speaker:actually
Speaker:saying
Speaker:the
Speaker:letters. I
Speaker:fought
Speaker:back
Speaker:an
Speaker:eye roll. “Jay,
Speaker:that
Speaker:was
Speaker:awesome!
Speaker:You’re
Speaker:normally
Speaker:so
Speaker:quiet!
Speaker:Where
Speaker:did
Speaker:all
Speaker:that
Speaker:come
Speaker:from?”
“I
dunno,”
Speaker:I said. “Things,
Speaker:uh, weren’t
Speaker:really
Speaker:going
Speaker:well
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:before
Speaker:they
Speaker:came
Speaker:in,
Speaker:and...”
Speaker:I
Speaker:took
Speaker:a
Speaker:breath. “And
Speaker:I
Speaker:saw
Speaker:myself
Speaker:in
Speaker:them.
Speaker:Felt it
Speaker:was
Speaker:my
Speaker:place
Speaker:to
Speaker:step
Speaker:up.”
“Well
in
Speaker:any
Speaker:case,
Speaker:I
Speaker:am
Speaker:so
Speaker:damn
Speaker:proud
Speaker:of
Speaker:you,”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said,
Speaker:putting
Speaker:a hoof
Speaker:on
Speaker:my
Speaker:shoulder. “But
Speaker:it’s
Speaker:not
Speaker:over
Speaker:yet.
Speaker:I
Speaker:think
Speaker:someone
Speaker:wants
Speaker:to
Speaker:speak
Speaker:with
Speaker:you.”
Speaker:She
Speaker:pointed
Speaker:past
Speaker:me
Speaker:and
Speaker:winked.
Speaker:I
Speaker:turned
Speaker:around
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:standing
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:same
Speaker:corner,
Speaker:staring
Speaker:intently
Speaker:at
Speaker:me.
I
took
Speaker:a
Speaker:deep
Speaker:breath
Speaker:and
Speaker:made
Speaker:my
Speaker:way
Speaker:back
Speaker:across
Speaker:the
Speaker:room,
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:Matthew.
Speaker:I
Speaker:still
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:what
Speaker:to
Speaker:say,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:hadn’t
Speaker:known
Speaker:what
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:two
Speaker:boys
Speaker:before
Speaker:either.
Speaker:When
Speaker:I
Speaker:got
Speaker:there,
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said, “Hey.”
“Hey,”
I
Speaker:said
Speaker:back.
Speaker:I
Speaker:left
Speaker:a
Speaker:considerable
Speaker:amount
Speaker:of
Speaker:distance
Speaker:between
Speaker:us,
Speaker:just
Speaker:in
Speaker:case
Speaker:he
Speaker:needed
Speaker:space
Speaker:from
Speaker:me.
“It, uh, was
pretty cool
Speaker:how you
Speaker:stepped
Speaker:up
Speaker:back
Speaker:there.
Speaker:Thank
Speaker:you,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said,
Speaker:his
Speaker:voice
Speaker:shaking.
I
shrugged. “I meant
Speaker:every
Speaker:word. I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:mend
Speaker:some
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:damage
Speaker:I’ve
Speaker:caused to
Speaker:the
Speaker:community,
Speaker:y’know?”
He
nodded. “I
Speaker:see
Speaker:that
Speaker:now.
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:sorry
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:so
Speaker:quick
Speaker:to
Speaker:jump
Speaker:to
Speaker:conclusions
Speaker:before.”
“Hey,”
I
Speaker:said, “I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:blame
Speaker:you.
Speaker:I
Speaker:mean,
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:be
Speaker:apprehensive
Speaker:too
Speaker:if
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:the
Speaker:other
Speaker:way
Speaker:around.”
“Heh,
yeah…”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said. “Still
Speaker:though,
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:sorry.”
I
smiled
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit. “Me
Speaker:too.”
He
let
Speaker:out
Speaker:a
Speaker:small,
Speaker:sad
Speaker:laugh. “Uh,
Speaker:so…
Speaker:what
Speaker:did
Speaker:you
Speaker:mean
Speaker:before?”
“When?”
I
Speaker:asked.
“When
you
Speaker:said
Speaker:you
Speaker:were…
Speaker:jealous.”
My
face
Speaker:felt
Speaker:hot
Speaker:and
Speaker:my
Speaker:heart
Speaker:started
Speaker:pumping
Speaker:even
Speaker:faster. “Well,
Speaker:uh,
Speaker:when
Speaker:you
Speaker:came
Speaker:out
Speaker:to
Speaker:me,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:jealous
Speaker:of
Speaker:how
Speaker:easy
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:for
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:it.”
Speaker:My
Speaker:voice
Speaker:was
Speaker:shaky,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:continued. “Because,
Speaker:well.
Speaker:I
Speaker:am
Speaker:too.”
Speaker:Matthew’s
Speaker:expression
Speaker:softened,
Speaker:and
Speaker:he
Speaker:exhaled.
Speaker:I
Speaker:went
Speaker:on. “I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:have
Speaker:the
Speaker:best
Speaker:childhood.
Speaker:I
Speaker:grew
Speaker:up
Speaker:hating
Speaker:myself
Speaker:for
Speaker:it,
Speaker:and
Speaker:the
Speaker:only way I ever knew to
Speaker:deal with
Speaker:those
Speaker:kinds
Speaker:of
Speaker:emotions
Speaker:was
Speaker:to
Speaker:take
Speaker:it
Speaker:out
Speaker:on
Speaker:others,
Speaker:just
Speaker:like
Speaker:my
Speaker:father
Speaker:did.
Speaker:Was
Speaker:all
Speaker:I’ve
Speaker:ever
Speaker:known.”
Speaker:I
Speaker:took
Speaker:a
Speaker:deep
Speaker:breath. “Matthew,
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:never
Speaker:you.
Speaker:When
Speaker:I
Speaker:did
Speaker:what
Speaker:I
Speaker:did,
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:never
Speaker:about
Speaker:you.
Speaker:It
Speaker:was
Speaker:me
Speaker:being
Speaker:jealous
Speaker:of how
Speaker:happy
Speaker:you were to
Speaker:live
Speaker:your
Speaker:life,
Speaker:when
Speaker:I
Speaker:hated
Speaker:myself
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:same
Speaker:reasons
Speaker:you
Speaker:loved
Speaker:yourself.
Speaker:I
Speaker:can
Speaker:explain
Speaker:it
Speaker:as
Speaker:much
Speaker:as
Speaker:I
Speaker:want,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:expect
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:forgive
Speaker:me.
Speaker:There’s
Speaker:no
Speaker:excuse
Speaker:for
Speaker:what
Speaker:I
Speaker:di-”
And
the
Speaker:next
Speaker:thing
Speaker:I
Speaker:knew,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:knocked
Speaker:back
Speaker:a
Speaker:little
Speaker:bit.
Speaker:It
Speaker:took
Speaker:me
Speaker:a
Speaker:moment
Speaker:to
Speaker:realize
Speaker:that
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:had
Speaker:me
Speaker:wrapped
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:massive
Speaker:arms
Speaker:in
Speaker:a
Speaker:big,
Speaker:powerful bear
Speaker:hug.
Speaker:My chin
Speaker:barely
Speaker:reached over
Speaker:his
Speaker:shoulder,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:only
Speaker:see
Speaker:past
Speaker:him.
Speaker:My
Speaker:arms
Speaker:stayed
Speaker:at
Speaker:my
Speaker:side.
“Wh-”
I
Speaker:stuttered.
And
god,
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:his
Speaker:warmth
Speaker:pierce
Speaker:through
Speaker:my
Speaker:soul. I
Speaker:had never
Speaker:felt
Speaker:anything
Speaker:like
Speaker:this
Speaker:from
Speaker:anyone
Speaker:else,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I…
I…
I
was 16,
Speaker:with
Speaker:Belle,
Speaker:kissing
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time.
Speaker:It
Speaker:felt
Speaker:no
Speaker:different
Speaker:from
Speaker:kissing
Speaker:a
Speaker:wall.
Speaker:But
Speaker:she
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:take
Speaker:things
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:next
Speaker:level.
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:so
Speaker:badly
Speaker:to
Speaker:want
Speaker:it too.
Speaker:I
Speaker:only
Speaker:lasted
Speaker:a few minutes
Speaker:before I vomited
Speaker:off
Speaker:the side
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:bed
Speaker:onto her
Speaker:carpet.
Speaker:She
Speaker:ended
Speaker:things
Speaker:soon
Speaker:after.
Matthew’s
arms
Speaker:tightened
Speaker:around
Speaker:me,
Speaker:and
Speaker:something
Speaker:within
Speaker:me
Speaker:pulsed.
Speaker:Nothing,
Speaker:not
Speaker:even
Speaker:the
Speaker:only
Speaker:time
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:physically
Speaker:intimate
Speaker:with
Speaker:another
Speaker:person,
Speaker:felt
Speaker:anything
Speaker:like
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:made
Speaker:me
Speaker:feel
Speaker:in
Speaker:this
Speaker:moment, and I…
I…
I was 14,
and I had been dating
Speaker:Belle
Speaker:for
Speaker:a
Speaker:few
Speaker:months.
Speaker:I
Speaker:stayed
Speaker:because
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:convince
Speaker:myself
Speaker:that I knew what love was.
And I…
I was 15, cutting my friend Andy out of my life, because I wanted to convince myself that
I
Speaker:had
Speaker:no
Speaker:fucking
Speaker:clue
Speaker:what
Speaker:love
Speaker:was.
“Wh-what
are
Speaker:you
Speaker:doing,
Speaker:Matthew?”
Speaker:I
Speaker:asked.
Speaker:I
Speaker:wasn’t
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:fully
Speaker:process
Speaker:it
Speaker:yet.
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:been
Speaker:hugged
Speaker:a
Speaker:few
Speaker:times
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:life,
Speaker:but
Speaker:never,
Speaker:never
Speaker:from
Speaker:another
Speaker:man.
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:never
Speaker:let
Speaker:myself
Speaker:before.
Speaker:I’d shaken
Speaker:paws
Speaker:with
Speaker:other
Speaker:men,
Speaker:some
Speaker:fist
Speaker:bumps
Speaker:and
Speaker:high
Speaker:fives
Speaker:here
Speaker:and
Speaker:there,
Speaker:but
Speaker:that
Speaker:was
Speaker:the
Speaker:extent
Speaker:of
Speaker:touch
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:from
Speaker:men.
Speaker:Not
Speaker:even from
Speaker:my
Speaker:father.
Speaker:And
Speaker:I…
I…
I
was 5,
Speaker:at
Speaker:home,
Speaker:and
Speaker:my
Speaker:father
Speaker:was
Speaker:watching
Speaker:the
Speaker:news
Speaker:on
Speaker:the
Speaker:TV,
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:at
Speaker:something
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:understand.
Speaker:He’d
Speaker:talk
Speaker:with
Speaker:a
Speaker:smile
Speaker:about
Speaker:that “disease
Speaker:that
Speaker:was
Speaker:spreadin’
Speaker:around,
Speaker:wipin’ out
Speaker:all
Speaker:the
Speaker:fags.”
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:what
Speaker:that
Speaker:meant,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:laughed
Speaker:along
Speaker:with
Speaker:him.
Speaker:He
Speaker:was
Speaker:my
Speaker:father,
Speaker:and
Speaker:seeing
Speaker:him
Speaker:happy
Speaker:made me
Speaker:happy.
And
I…
I was 10,
and I now knew what a faggot was. I
Speaker:wondered
Speaker:why
Speaker:they
Speaker:were
Speaker:so
Speaker:bad.
Speaker:I
Speaker:asked
Speaker:my
Speaker:father
Speaker:about
Speaker:it. “‘Cause
Speaker:God
Speaker:hates
Speaker:fags,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said
Speaker:simply.
Speaker:I
Speaker:believed him,
Speaker:but
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:same
Speaker:time,
Speaker:I
Speaker:wondered
Speaker:since
Speaker:when
Speaker:we were
Speaker:religious.
Matthew
squeezed me
Speaker:even
Speaker:tighter. “Jay,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said
Speaker:over
Speaker:my
Speaker:shoulder, “you
Speaker:hurt
Speaker:me.
Speaker:You
Speaker:hurt
Speaker:me
Speaker:more
Speaker:than
Speaker:anyone
Speaker:ever
Speaker:had
Speaker:before.
Speaker:And
Speaker:I
Speaker:can’t
Speaker:say
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:forgive
Speaker:you
Speaker:for
Speaker:that. Not
Speaker:yet,
Speaker:at
Speaker:least.
Speaker:But
Speaker:I
Speaker:see
Speaker:now that
Speaker:you
Speaker:were
Speaker:hurting
Speaker:more
Speaker:than
Speaker:I
Speaker:ever
Speaker:was,
Speaker:for
Speaker:far
Speaker:longer.
Speaker:And
Speaker:Jay,
Speaker:I
Speaker:want
Speaker:to.
Speaker:I don’t
Speaker:yet,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:forgive
Speaker:you.
Speaker:I
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:try.”
I
felt
Speaker:tears
Speaker:welling
Speaker:up,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I…
I…
I
was 17,
Speaker:and every night, I’d stay up praying, and
Speaker:pleading, and
Speaker:begging to whoever
Speaker:or
Speaker:whatever
Speaker:made me
Speaker:this
Speaker:way
Speaker:to
Speaker:change
Speaker:me
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:how
Speaker:my
Speaker:father
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:me
Speaker:to
Speaker:be.
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:convinced
Speaker:that
Speaker:this
Speaker:was
Speaker:a
Speaker:challenge that
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:overcome.
Speaker:Every
Speaker:time
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:succeeded,
Speaker:the
Speaker:very
Speaker:next
Speaker:day,
Speaker:my
Speaker:eyes were
Speaker:still
Speaker:caught
Speaker:by
Speaker:the
Speaker:men
Speaker:on
Speaker:the
Speaker:streets,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I’d get
Speaker:back
Speaker:to
Speaker:praying
Speaker:even
Speaker:more
Speaker:desperately
Speaker:than
Speaker:before.
My
arms
Speaker:were
Speaker:still
Speaker:at
Speaker:my
Speaker:side.
Speaker:Despite
Speaker:everything,
Speaker:despite
Speaker:my
Speaker:whole
Speaker:life
Speaker:leading
Speaker:up
Speaker:to
Speaker:this
Speaker:moment,
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:lean
Speaker:into
Speaker:this
Speaker:warmth
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:denied
Speaker:myself
Speaker:for
Speaker:so
Speaker:long.
Speaker:And
Speaker:wonder
Speaker:of
Speaker:wonders,
Speaker:I
Speaker:raised
Speaker:my
Speaker:arms
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:hugged
Speaker:him
Speaker:back.
And
it
Speaker:felt
Speaker:like
Speaker:lightning.
He
squeezed
Speaker:me
Speaker:even
Speaker:tighter,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:brushed
Speaker:my
Speaker:paws
Speaker:down
Speaker:his
Speaker:back
Speaker:while
Speaker:our
Speaker:bodies
Speaker:were
Speaker:pressed
Speaker:up
Speaker:against
Speaker:each
Speaker:other.
Speaker:I
Speaker:hadn’t
Speaker:realized
Speaker:how
Speaker:dreadfully
Speaker:starved
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:for
Speaker:this
Speaker:kind
Speaker:of
Speaker:touch
Speaker:from
Speaker:another
Speaker:man
Speaker:until
Speaker:I
Speaker:let
Speaker:myself
Speaker:experience
Speaker:it
Speaker:for
Speaker:myself. My
Speaker:eyes
Speaker:welled
Speaker:up
Speaker:with
Speaker:more
Speaker:tears.
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:like
Speaker:a
Speaker:fool
Speaker:for
Speaker:denying
Speaker:this
Speaker:for
Speaker:myself
Speaker:for
Speaker:so,
Speaker:so,
Speaker:so
Speaker:long.
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:how
Speaker:long
Speaker:we
Speaker:already
Speaker:had
Speaker:been
Speaker:standing
Speaker:in
Speaker:this
Speaker:embrace,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:it
Speaker:to
Speaker:last
Speaker:forever.
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn't
Speaker:care
Speaker:about
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:else
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:room,
Speaker:if
Speaker:anyone
Speaker:could
Speaker:see.
Speaker:All
Speaker:I
Speaker:knew
Speaker:in
Speaker:that
Speaker:moment
Speaker:was
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:just
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to breathe him in, and I…
I…
I was 21 and I made
the
Speaker:worst
Speaker:mistake
Speaker:of
Speaker:my life. I shut Matthew out. I kept him away. I ignored his calls. I stopped looking at him in the hallways. I ceased all contact with him, and…
No.
I squeezed
Matthew
Speaker:tighter
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:arms.
And…
No,
I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:remember
Speaker:this
Speaker:part…
And…
Matthew
showed
Speaker:up
Speaker:at
Speaker:my
Speaker:door
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:middle
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:night,
Speaker:tears
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:eyes.
Speaker:The
Speaker:sight was
Speaker:too
Speaker:painful
Speaker:for
Speaker:me
Speaker:to
Speaker:bear.
He
said, “Jay.
Speaker:Please.
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:expect
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:love
Speaker:me
Speaker:like
Speaker:I
Speaker:love
Speaker:you.
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:need
Speaker:you
Speaker:to.
Speaker:But
Speaker:you’re
Speaker:the
Speaker:closest
Speaker:friend
Speaker:I
Speaker:ever
Speaker:had.
Speaker:What
Speaker:I
Speaker:told
Speaker:you,
Speaker:it
Speaker:doesn’t
Speaker:have
Speaker:to
Speaker:change
Speaker:anything
Speaker:between
Speaker:us!
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:want it
Speaker:to!
Speaker:Please,
Speaker:listen
Speaker:to
Speaker:me.
Speaker:I don’t
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:lose
Speaker:you.
Speaker:Not
Speaker:like
Speaker:this.
Speaker:Please,
Speaker:please
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:leave
Speaker:me
Speaker:like
Speaker:this.”
And,
fuck,
Speaker:I
Speaker:said…
“Just
get
Speaker:the
Speaker:fuck
Speaker:out
Speaker:of
Speaker:my
Speaker:life,
Speaker:you
Speaker:faggot.”
I saw
the
Speaker:anguish
Speaker:in his eyes.
And
deep
Speaker:down,
Speaker:though
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:realize
Speaker:it
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:time,
Speaker:I
Speaker:hoped
Speaker:that he
Speaker:was
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:see the
Speaker:regret
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:eyes
Speaker:before
Speaker:I
Speaker:slammed
Speaker:the
Speaker:door
Speaker:in
Speaker:his
Speaker:face.
In
an
Speaker:instant,
Speaker:life lost all
Speaker:meaning.
I
couldn’t
Speaker:hold
Speaker:back
Speaker:my
Speaker:tears
Speaker:anymore.
Speaker:I
Speaker:leaned
Speaker:into Matthew's
Speaker:shoulder, my gentle sobs
Speaker:hitching in
Speaker:my
Speaker:breath and
Speaker:my
Speaker:tears
Speaker:wetting
Speaker:his
Speaker:shirt.
“Shhhh, it’s
okay,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:whispered,
Speaker:rubbing
Speaker:my
Speaker:back. “Let
Speaker:it
Speaker:out.
Speaker:It’s all in the past, we can
Speaker:try
Speaker:to
Speaker:look
Speaker:forward
Speaker:now.
Speaker:It’s
Speaker:okay.”
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:his
Speaker:voice
Speaker:get
Speaker:shaky
Speaker:as
Speaker:he
Speaker:spoke. I sobbed a little harder, and I…
I…
I was 22
and
Speaker:I made
Speaker:my
Speaker:last
Speaker:trip
Speaker:up
Speaker:the
Speaker:old
Speaker:dirt
Speaker:road to
Speaker:follow in
Speaker:my
Speaker:father’s
Speaker:footsteps.
Speaker:I
Speaker:stared
Speaker:into
Speaker:the
Speaker:water, at
Speaker:the
Speaker:last
Speaker:view
Speaker:my
Speaker:father
Speaker:ever
Speaker:saw,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:sure
Speaker:it’d
Speaker:be
Speaker:my
Speaker:last
Speaker:view
Speaker:as
Speaker:well.
Speaker:But I saw past
Speaker:the
Speaker:water,
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:trees
Speaker:on
Speaker:the
Speaker:opposing
Speaker:shore.
Speaker:And I…
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:bring
Speaker:myself
Speaker:to
Speaker:do
Speaker:it.
Speaker:I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:see
Speaker:any
Speaker:reason
Speaker:to
Speaker:live
Speaker:anymore,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:still
Speaker:see
Speaker:the
Speaker:trees
Speaker:beyond
Speaker:my
Speaker:father’s
Speaker:final
Speaker:view,
Speaker:and
Speaker:for
Speaker:whatever
Speaker:reason,
Speaker:it
Speaker:reminded
Speaker:me of
Speaker:Matthew.
I
couldn’t
Speaker:place
Speaker:a
Speaker:paw
Speaker:on
Speaker:why,
Speaker:but
Speaker:I
Speaker:turned
Speaker:around
Speaker:and
Speaker:headed
Speaker:back
Speaker:down
Speaker:the
Speaker:old
Speaker:dirt
Speaker:road,
Speaker:still
Speaker:hitting
Speaker:rock
Speaker:bottom
Speaker:on
Speaker:my
Speaker:way
Speaker:down.
And as I cried into Matthew’s shoulder, I
couldn’t
Speaker:stop
Speaker:thinking,
Speaker:Why
Speaker:now?
Speaker:Why
Speaker:so
Speaker:many
Speaker:flashbacks
Speaker:right
Speaker:now,
Speaker:and
Speaker:throughout
Speaker:the
Speaker:night?
Speaker:Isn’t
Speaker:this
Speaker:supposed
Speaker:to
Speaker:happen
Speaker:before
Speaker:you
Speaker:die? I feel so safe in Matthew's arms, this can’t
Speaker:be
Speaker:the
Speaker:end,
Speaker:is
Speaker:it?
And still,
I
Speaker:was 17, and I
Speaker:was 5, and I was 12, and I was 21, and every age in between, all at once,
Speaker:and
Speaker:as
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:looking
Speaker:back
Speaker:on
Speaker:a
Speaker:life
Speaker:so
Speaker:full,
Speaker:yet
Speaker:so
Speaker:empty,
Speaker:I
Speaker:realized
Speaker:that,
Speaker:yes,
Speaker:I
Speaker:did
Speaker:die,
Speaker:in
Speaker:a
Speaker:way.
Speaker:At
Speaker:least
Speaker:a
Speaker:part
Speaker:of
Speaker:me
Speaker:did,
Speaker:because
Speaker:I
Speaker:finally
Speaker:saw
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:never
Speaker:truly
Speaker:lived
Speaker:before
Speaker:this
Speaker:moment
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew.
When
I
Speaker:backed
Speaker:away
Speaker:from
Speaker:the
Speaker:cliff
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:end
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:old
Speaker:dirt
Speaker:road,
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:an
Speaker:act
Speaker:of
Speaker:cowardice.
Speaker:But
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:time,
Speaker:I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:see it
Speaker:for
Speaker:what
Speaker:it
Speaker:was.
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:now.
Speaker:It
Speaker:was
Speaker:an
Speaker:act
Speaker:of
Speaker:courage.
Speaker:Courage
Speaker:to
Speaker:break
Speaker:the
Speaker:cycle
Speaker:of
Speaker:hatred
Speaker:instilled
Speaker:in
Speaker:me
Speaker:by
Speaker:my
Speaker:father,
Speaker:to
Speaker:continue
Speaker:living
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:a
Speaker:day
Speaker:where
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:experience
Speaker:this
Speaker:profound
Speaker:warmth
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time.
Speaker:And
Speaker:although
Speaker:I
Speaker:knew
Speaker:that
Speaker:this
Speaker:would
Speaker:be
Speaker:much
Speaker:harder
Speaker:than
Speaker:the
Speaker:life
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:leading
Speaker:before,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:finally
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:that
Speaker:this
Speaker:was a
Speaker:life
Speaker:worth
Speaker:living.
As
I
Speaker:stood
Speaker:there,
Speaker:wrapped
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:embrace
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:I
Speaker:decided
Speaker:to
Speaker:embrace
Speaker:this
Speaker:new
Speaker:life
Speaker:as
Speaker:well,
Speaker:this
Speaker:beautiful
Speaker:gift
Speaker:I had
Speaker:been
Speaker:given.
Speaker:Once
Speaker:I
Speaker:stopped
Speaker:sobbing
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit
Speaker:and
Speaker:gained
Speaker:more
Speaker:control
Speaker:of
Speaker:my
Speaker:voice
Speaker:again,
Speaker:I
Speaker:said, “Matthew,
Speaker:I’m…
Speaker:gay.”
Matthew
chuckled
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit. “I
Speaker:know!”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said. “You
Speaker:just
Speaker:said
Speaker:so
Speaker:before.”
“Yeah,”
I
Speaker:agreed, “but
Speaker:I’ve
Speaker:never
Speaker:said
Speaker:it
Speaker:before.
Speaker:Not
Speaker:the
Speaker:words ‘I’m
Speaker:gay’.
Speaker:I wasn’t able
Speaker:to.
Speaker:I can
Speaker:say
Speaker:it
Speaker:now,
Speaker:though.
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:gay!
Speaker:I
Speaker:feel…
Speaker:proud.
Speaker:I
Speaker:never,
Speaker:ever
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I’d
Speaker:feel
Speaker:that
Speaker:way.”
Speaker:The
Speaker:tears
Speaker:were
Speaker:flowing
Speaker:freely,
Speaker:but I
Speaker:held
Speaker:back
Speaker:more sobs.
Matthew
broke
Speaker:away
Speaker:first,
Speaker:but
Speaker:his
Speaker:warmth
Speaker:never
Speaker:left
Speaker:me.
Speaker:My
Speaker:head
Speaker:left
Speaker:his
Speaker:shoulder,
Speaker:and
Speaker:while
Speaker:I
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:stay
Speaker:wrapped in
Speaker:his
Speaker:arms,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:more
Speaker:than
Speaker:happy
Speaker:to
Speaker:see
Speaker:his
Speaker:bright
Speaker:smile
Speaker:for
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:in
Speaker:a
Speaker:very
Speaker:long
Speaker:time.
Speaker:God,
Speaker:it
Speaker:made
Speaker:me
Speaker:ache.
“I’m
proud
Speaker:of
Speaker:you
Speaker:too,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said,
Speaker:and
Speaker:that
Speaker:word,
Speaker:proud,
Speaker:hit
Speaker:me
Speaker:hard
Speaker:again.
Speaker:Everyone
Speaker:in
Speaker:this
Speaker:room
Speaker:felt
Speaker:pride
Speaker:in
Speaker:who
Speaker:they
Speaker:were,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:finally
Speaker:appreciate
Speaker:the
Speaker:beauty
Speaker:in
Speaker:that.
Speaker:I
Speaker:smiled
Speaker:with
Speaker:him,
Speaker:big
Speaker:and
Speaker:bright.
My
embrace
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:was
Speaker:my
Speaker:entire
Speaker:world
Speaker:for
Speaker:those
Speaker:fleeting
Speaker:moments,
Speaker:and
Speaker:though
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:think
Speaker:it
Speaker:truly
Speaker:ended
Speaker:when
Speaker:we
Speaker:broke
Speaker:apart,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:coming
Speaker:back down
Speaker:to
Speaker:Earth,
Speaker:and I
Speaker:remembered
Speaker:where
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:again,
Speaker:who
Speaker:I
Speaker:came
Speaker:with,
Speaker:who
Speaker:brought
Speaker:me
Speaker:here. “Matthew,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said, “There’s
Speaker:something
Speaker:I
Speaker:gotta
Speaker:do.”
He
said, “Oh?
Speaker:What’s
Speaker:that?”
But
I had
Speaker:already
Speaker:turned and
Speaker:was
Speaker:making
Speaker:my
Speaker:way
Speaker:over
Speaker:to
Speaker:Lav’s
Speaker:table. I
Speaker:heard
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:laugh
Speaker:a
Speaker:bit
Speaker:as
Speaker:he
Speaker:followed
Speaker:behind
Speaker:me.
“Lav!”
I
Speaker:said,
Speaker:interrupting
Speaker:the
Speaker:conversation
Speaker:she
Speaker:was
Speaker:having
Speaker:with
Speaker:her
Speaker:table.
“There they
are!”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said.
Speaker:Then,
Speaker:looking
Speaker:at
Speaker:me, “Oh,
Speaker:woah,
Speaker:you
Speaker:look
Speaker:like
Speaker:you’ve
Speaker:been
Speaker:crying.
Speaker:Are
Speaker:you
Speaker:okay?”
But
I
Speaker:couldn’t
Speaker:stop
Speaker:smiling. “Yes!”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said. “And
Speaker:no!
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:know!
Speaker:Isn’t
Speaker:it
Speaker:wonderful?”
“That
makes
Speaker:no
Speaker:sense,”
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:said. “But
Speaker:somehow,
Speaker:I
Speaker:know
Speaker:exactly
Speaker:what
Speaker:you
Speaker:mean.
Speaker:I
Speaker:think
Speaker:everyone
Speaker:here
Speaker:can
Speaker:relate.”
Matthew
laughed
Speaker:behind
Speaker:me. “Ooooh
Speaker:yeah.
Speaker:A
Speaker:hundred
Speaker:percent.”
I
couldn't
Speaker:hide
Speaker:my
Speaker:glee. “Lav… I’m
Speaker:gay.”
She
put
Speaker:her
Speaker:hoof
Speaker:on
Speaker:her
Speaker:chest. “Oh, Jay…”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said, “you
Speaker:did
Speaker:get
Speaker:the
Speaker:fuck
Speaker:over
Speaker:yourself!”
Speaker:And
Speaker:I
Speaker:laughed
Speaker:harder
Speaker:than
Speaker:I
Speaker:thought
Speaker:I
Speaker:could.
Speaker:She
Speaker:continued. “In
Speaker:all
Speaker:seriousness,
Speaker:you
Speaker:can
Speaker:say
Speaker:it
Speaker:now.
Speaker:That’s
Speaker:a
Speaker:huge
Speaker:step
Speaker:for
Speaker:you.
Speaker:I’m
Speaker:so
Speaker:proud
Speaker:of
Speaker:you,
Speaker:dude.
Speaker:Jay’s gay!”
“Gay Jay! Gay Jay!” I
chanted,
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:again.
“This
Jay
Speaker:be
Speaker:gay!”
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said,
Speaker:laughing
Speaker:along
Speaker:with
Speaker:me.
“Lav,”
I
Speaker:said,
Speaker:grabbing
Speaker:her hoof, “It’s
Speaker:because
Speaker:of
Speaker:you
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:come
Speaker:here,
Speaker:and
Speaker:talk
Speaker:to
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:and
Speaker:just…
Speaker:still
Speaker:be
Speaker:here.
Speaker:At
Speaker:all. And
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:know
Speaker:how
Speaker:to
Speaker:thank
Speaker:you
Speaker:for
Speaker:that,
Speaker:for
Speaker:everything.”
“Oh Jay,
there’s
Speaker:no
Speaker:need,”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said,
Speaker:a
Speaker:twinkle
Speaker:in
Speaker:her
Speaker:eyes. “You’re
Speaker:my
Speaker:friend.
Speaker:The
Speaker:pleasure
Speaker:is
Speaker:mine.
Speaker:But
Speaker:I
Speaker:mean,
Speaker:if
Speaker:you
Speaker:insist,
Speaker:you
Speaker:could
Speaker:buy
Speaker:me
Speaker:a
Speaker:beer
Speaker:some
Speaker:time.”
“I
will
Speaker:literally
Speaker:never
Speaker:understand
Speaker:you.
Speaker:But
Speaker:I
Speaker:don’t
Speaker:have
Speaker:to
Speaker:understand
Speaker:you
Speaker:to
Speaker:support
Speaker:you,
Speaker:my
Speaker:friend.”
Speaker:I
Speaker:saluted
Speaker:to
Speaker:her,
Speaker:and
Speaker:she
Speaker:laughed
Speaker:with
Speaker:me.
The
rest
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:night,
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:never
Speaker:left
Speaker:my
Speaker:side.
Speaker:We
Speaker:sat
Speaker:together
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:table
Speaker:with
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:and
Speaker:all
Speaker:the
Speaker:others
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:getting
Speaker:to
Speaker:know.
Speaker:I
Speaker:wasn’t
Speaker:nearly
Speaker:as
Speaker:hesitant
Speaker:to
Speaker:participate
Speaker:as
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:when
Speaker:I
Speaker:first
Speaker:arrived.
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:just
Speaker:in
Speaker:awe at
Speaker:the
Speaker:sense
Speaker:of
Speaker:community
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:with
Speaker:these
Speaker:people.
Speaker:For
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:in
Speaker:a
Speaker:long
Speaker:time,
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:like
Speaker:I
Speaker:belonged
Speaker:somewhere,
Speaker:and
Speaker:when
Speaker:the
Speaker:night
Speaker:was
Speaker:starting
Speaker:to
Speaker:wind
Speaker:down and
Speaker:people
Speaker:started
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:goodnight,
Speaker:I
Speaker:didn’t
Speaker:want
Speaker:to
Speaker:leave.
Speaker:But
Speaker:these
Speaker:meetups
Speaker:were
Speaker:a
Speaker:regular
Speaker:thing,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:knew
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:keep
Speaker:coming
Speaker:back.
As
the
Speaker:time
Speaker:to
Speaker:leave
Speaker:grew
Speaker:nearer,
Speaker:Lav
Speaker:turned
Speaker:to
Speaker:us. “Jay,”
Speaker:she
Speaker:said, “before
Speaker:we
Speaker:leave,
Speaker:there’s
Speaker:one
Speaker:more
Speaker:thing
Speaker:I
Speaker:want
Speaker:us
Speaker:to
Speaker:do.”
Speaker:She
Speaker:grabbed
Speaker:my
Speaker:paw
Speaker:and
Speaker:led
Speaker:us
Speaker:to
Speaker:the
Speaker:brown
Speaker:paper
Speaker:at
Speaker:the
Speaker:front
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:room. “Think
Speaker:you’re
Speaker:ready
Speaker:for
Speaker:this?”
I
was
Speaker:almost
Speaker:surprised
Speaker:at
Speaker:how
Speaker:sure
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt. “I
Speaker:am,”
Speaker:I
Speaker:said,
Speaker:grabbing
Speaker:a
Speaker:marker.
Lav
and
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:signed
Speaker:their
Speaker:names
Speaker:near
Speaker:each
Speaker:other,
Speaker:right
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
Speaker:middle.
Speaker:I
Speaker:chose
Speaker:to
Speaker:sign
Speaker:right
Speaker:beside
Speaker:the
Speaker:two.
Speaker:I
Speaker:took
Speaker:my
Speaker:paw
Speaker:away,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:gazed at
Speaker:the
Speaker:paper,
Speaker:seeing “Lav,
Speaker:Matty,
Speaker:Jay” written under
Speaker:the
Speaker:rainbow.
Speaker:And oh,
Speaker:how
Speaker:proud
Speaker:I
Speaker:felt
Speaker:to
Speaker:be
Speaker:a
Speaker:part
Speaker:of
Speaker:this.
It was
time
Speaker:to
Speaker:say
Speaker:goodbye
Speaker:and
Speaker:head
Speaker:back
Speaker:home. I
Speaker:hugged
Speaker:Lav,
Speaker:and
Speaker:she
Speaker:looked
Speaker:surprised
Speaker:to
Speaker:feel
Speaker:this
Speaker:kind
Speaker:of
Speaker:touch
Speaker:from
Speaker:me,
Speaker:but
Speaker:it
Speaker:was
Speaker:welcomed
Speaker:as
Speaker:she
Speaker:hugged
Speaker:me
Speaker:back.
Speaker:It
Speaker:lasted
Speaker:a
Speaker:long
Speaker:moment,
Speaker:and
Speaker:then
Speaker:she
Speaker:said
Speaker:goodnight
Speaker:before
Speaker:leaving.
Speaker:I
Speaker:lingered
Speaker:along
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew,
Speaker:saying
Speaker:to
Speaker:him, “Man,
Speaker:we
Speaker:have
Speaker:so
Speaker:much
Speaker:lost
Speaker:time
Speaker:to
Speaker:catch
Speaker:up
Speaker:on.”
“We
do,”
Speaker:he
Speaker:said. “Hey,
Speaker:did
Speaker:you
Speaker:ever
Speaker:get
Speaker:a
Speaker:cell
Speaker:phone?
Speaker:Can I
Speaker:ever
Speaker:text
Speaker:you?”
And
without
Speaker:hesitation,
Speaker:I
Speaker:said “Yes!
Speaker:Lav made me get one last
Speaker:year.
Speaker:Yes,
Speaker:you
Speaker:can
Speaker:text
Speaker:me.”
Speaker:I
Speaker:told
Speaker:myself that
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:figure
Speaker:out
Speaker:how
Speaker:to
Speaker:text
Speaker:with
Speaker:my
Speaker:fat
Speaker:thumbs
Speaker:on
Speaker:my
Speaker:little
Speaker:keypad
Speaker:later. I
Speaker:just
Speaker:wanted
Speaker:to
Speaker:catch
Speaker:up
Speaker:with
Speaker:my
Speaker:old
Speaker:friend.
Speaker:I
Speaker:shared
Speaker:my
Speaker:new
Speaker:number
Speaker:with
Speaker:him,
Speaker:and
Speaker:we
Speaker:hugged
Speaker:once
Speaker:again. That
Speaker:spark
Speaker:of
Speaker:lightning
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:felt
Speaker:before
Speaker:was
Speaker:as
Speaker:bright
Speaker:as
Speaker:ever.
Speaker:We
Speaker:let
Speaker:go,
Speaker:and
Speaker:we
Speaker:saw
Speaker:each
Speaker:others’
Speaker:bright
Speaker:smiles.
For
a
Speaker:moment,
Speaker:I
Speaker:hesitated
Speaker:on
Speaker:my
Speaker:way
Speaker:out
Speaker:of
Speaker:the
Speaker:building.
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:said
Speaker:he
Speaker:hadn’t
Speaker:forgiven
Speaker:me,
Speaker:not
Speaker:yet,
Speaker:and
Speaker:I
Speaker:still
Speaker:wasn’t
Speaker:sure
Speaker:if
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:be
Speaker:forgiven
Speaker:for
Speaker:all
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:done
Speaker:throughout
Speaker:my
Speaker:life.
Speaker:But
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:done
Speaker:being
Speaker:stuck
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:own
Speaker:past.
Speaker:For
Speaker:the
Speaker:first
Speaker:time
Speaker:in
Speaker:my
Speaker:life,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:able
Speaker:to
Speaker:look
Speaker:forward.
Speaker:With
Speaker:my
Speaker:new
Speaker:and
Speaker:my
Speaker:old
Speaker:friends,
Speaker:I
Speaker:was
Speaker:excited
Speaker:to
Speaker:build
Speaker:a
Speaker:life
Speaker:that
Speaker:I
Speaker:could
Speaker:be
Speaker:proud
Speaker:of.
Speaker:That
Speaker:excitement
Speaker:triumphed
Speaker:over
Speaker:any
Speaker:hesitation.
Speaker:I
Speaker:had
Speaker:time
Speaker:now,
Speaker:time
Speaker:to
Speaker:work
Speaker:with
Speaker:Matthew
Speaker:to
Speaker:move
Speaker:past
Speaker:our
Speaker:shared
Speaker:history.
Speaker:And
Speaker:so
Speaker:I
Speaker:followed
Speaker:my
Speaker:old
Speaker:friend
Speaker:out
Speaker:the
Speaker:door,
Speaker:finally
Speaker:looking
Speaker:forward
Speaker:to
Speaker:what
Speaker:may
Speaker:lay
Speaker:beyond
Speaker:the
Speaker:old
Speaker:dirt
Speaker:road.
This
was
Speaker:the
Speaker:second
Speaker:and
Speaker:final
Speaker:part
Speaker:of “The
Speaker:Embrace”
Speaker:by Lou le Loup, read for you by READER, with CALLSIGN. You can find more stories on the
Speaker:web
Speaker:at
Speaker:thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the
Speaker:show
Speaker:wherever
Speaker:you
Speaker:get
Speaker:your
Speaker:podcasts.
Speaker:Happy
Speaker:Pride,
Speaker:and
Speaker:Thank
Speaker:you
Speaker:for
Speaker:listening
Speaker:to
Speaker:The
Speaker:Voice
Speaker:of
Speaker:Dog.