Why is it so easy to compare ourselves to others—and so difficult to appreciate what we already have?

In this episode of the Spirit Sherpa podcast, and as part of our Seven Deadly Sins and Virtues Series, we explore envy and the transformative power of gratitude and kindness. Envy can quietly undermine happiness, relationships, and personal growth by keeping our attention focused on what we lack rather than what we already possess.

This conversation examines how gratitude and kindness help shift us from comparison and scarcity into appreciation, compassion, and fulfillment.

You'll learn:

• How envy impacts emotional and spiritual well-being
• Why comparison often leads to dissatisfaction
• The connection between gratitude and happiness
• How kindness helps dissolve feelings of envy
• Practical ways to cultivate gratitude in daily life

Because lasting fulfillment comes from appreciating your own path rather than measuring it against someone else's.

 Hey now, all. This is the Spirit Doctor, Kelle Sparta, and you are listening to Spirit Sherpa, the show that helps and encourages you on your journey to unlock your magic mojo. Today, I'm joined once again by perfectly G from TikTok, Grant Merrill. Hello. Hey. And here we are again. Coming back for the seven deadly sins and virtues.

We're gonna talk about envy and as it compares to gratitude and kindness, right? So the, uh, uh, and, and just to, you know, tear down that, that fourth wall again, we are on our third episode of the day. So we're coming straight in from wrath and, and, and, uh, patience, and coming into, uh, envy and gratitude and kindness.

So, uh, when we think about envy ... Let's talk about envy first. So you said something just before we started recording, which I, which was pretty good because there was only about, like, two and a half minutes in between. So you may have said something that's in. Um, I said that of, of all the seven deadly sins, and it's interesting that this one is the last one in the series, because envy is the least external.

Um, it doesn't mean that it can't have external, uh, manifestations. But in general, envy is, is mostly internalized. Um, i- if it is greatly externalized, it really slips into greed, um, uh, uh, or perhaps gluttony even. Um, and so envy really is, uh, uh, a unique of the seven deadly sins because it is mostly internal.

It is mostly how we view and process the world and those around us, and how we relate to them from our spirit and heart. It is more heart-oriented than action-oriented in general, in its most pure form at least. I, I would agree with that. I would also say that envy is a function of comparing oneself to others.

There's a very easy way to avoid envy, which is just don't do that. Your, your job isn't to be equal with someone else. Your job is to, to look at yourself and be just a little bit better than you were yesterday, right? Or just be the person you were yesterday if you liked who that was, right? There's nothing wrong with that.

We don't have to do constant improvement. There's ... That ... We're not in business, right? Uh, but I mean, this is where status symbols come in and where keeping up with the Joneses happens and all of this stuff. I'm ... I literally got a, a, a, a, a mailer today that was from a, um, Mastercard Black Card, and they wanted me to get this Black Card and they, they literally were talking about how heavy the card was.

It's like 22 grams as opposed to, you know, 17 or 12 or whatever else. And I'm like, "What do I care how heavy the card is?" Like, why, why is that a bonus? I don't understand. And, and they're like, "Oh, it's a Black Card." I'm like, "Okay, so this is, this is the card for people who want an Amex Black Card but can't get one.

Okay, noted." And, and then it was $500 a year plus $195 a, per authorized user. And I'm sitting there and I'm going, "Well, what is this? What do you get for the $500 a year?" And there's concierge services, and there's, there's this random $500 thing that, that they say this travel, luxury travel something 500.

But it was unclear what it was, and nowhere in the document could I find what it was. And then it was, uh, there was this other thing, Premier something, that I also couldn't figure out what it was. And I'm like, "Okay, so it is not a... This is n- either the worst marketing piece I have ever seen in my life, or I am clearly not the target market."

Because it is not, they are not selling what the value is that you get for your s- $500 or $700 if you get two people. What you're getting, what you're paying for is the weight of the Black Card. Is the, the fact that it's a Black Card and that it's heavy. That's what you're paying for. And I'm like, "I am so not paying $700 for a heavy Black Card.

I don't care," right? I don't care if I never have a, an American Express Black Card. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me, right? And, and that's because I don't engage in envy And, and that's what status symbols are, is all about envy and wanting to be the person who is envied. At its core, it's about saying that you feel inadequate.

That's what it is. I feel inadequate, so I'm gonna buy all these status symbols to make me feel better But really I would feel better if you didn't have that status symbol also. That's, and that's the... It's not just that I want it, it's that I would rather have it and you not. Yeah. And, you know, to a certain extent, now this is gonna be a very popular, uh, unpopular statement, and I, I'm waiting for people to scream at me on this one.

But to a certain extent, this country's anger at the rich is also about envy. Okay? Now, part of it is that we have a system that is set up to screw people over, and they're angry because they're being screwed over, but they're also envious that other people are not getting screwed over, right? Um, having been the person who, you know, looked at my $300 in my bank account and wasn't sure where my rent was gonna come from, I, I can tell you, I envied the people who didn't have that problem, right?

I wanted to be them, right? And so when I say that, the, the thing that I'm saying is that, uh, you know, and this is where I hear... I just heard somebody say this the other day on TikTok, they were like, uh, "And when we eat the rich," I'm like, what does that even mean, right? What does it mean to eat the rich?

Does it mean to take in all of the qualities that they have, that you can, you can make them disappear and you can take over for them? It's kinda like, you know, I was talking with Cathy this morning on our, our, uh, shaman training call, and, uh, I was talking to Cathy and Steven and, and we were talking about the, the Catholic communion of b- you know, eating the body of Christ and drinking the blood of Christ.

And the idea being that eating the body of Christ is about taking in the experience of Christ and becoming Christ, and taking in the blood of Christ was about taking in the Christ consciousness and becoming more like Christ through your, your consciousness, right? And, and so if, if you're saying, "Eat the rich," I kinda have to think that that's...

there's something in there with it too, right? Because that's an archetypal construct, right? And so I'm, I'm like, okay, so how do we... We've got all this envy that's bound up in this, and we have to separate it from the dysfunction of the inherent structures of the country's, uh, you know, everything, right?

And, you know, what this comes down to is it's actually not a problem of envying of the people who are not wealthy, it's a problem of envy of the people who are. And to solve the problem, we don't have to fix the structures, we have to heal the rich. Because if the rich were healed They wouldn't feel the need to do the things that are the status symbols, and instead would find their value in giving back.

They would, they would find a purpose in giving back bec- I, I, I said that wrong. They would find a purpose in g- their purpose in giving back, not their value in trying to establish status. The key is to heal the rich, because that's where the power imbalance is coming in. Um, you know, you look at Bill Gates, and dude doesn't care about status symbols.

He, he... I don't know if he is still the richest man in the world, but he was the richest man in the world for a very long time, and he runs one of the biggest foundations to give back, right? And I'm not holding him up on a pedestal, because he's certainly done his own predatory stuff and whatever in business and so on and so forth, whatever.

But d- you know, that's his game, that's his way of playing, is, is to do well in business. That's his entertainment. But he doesn't feel the need to sling about the status symbols, right? He, he wants the time to do his reading and the time to do his research and to, you know, do his business work that he wants to do, and the rest of it just doesn't matter, and therefore he runs this huge foundation.

And I wanna be really clear, there are a lot of rich people who are huge philanthropists, okay? So there's nothing inherently wrong with being rich, and I wanna say this out loud on a spiritual podcast, because so many people in the spiritual world live in this mindset of poverty, and we've had this conversation on this podcast before, and it's a problem, right?

The, the, the smog of poverty that inher- inhabits the spiritual world is a significant issue, and if you can't get your head around the idea that being rich isn't a problem, then how are the people who are spiritual ever going to be able to influence the world, right? Because money buys access, it buys influence, it buys, you know, um, um, reach, impact, right?

And so these are the, the things that, that, that come into play. The key is to not play into the game. So when you step into the world of making money, you don't play the influence game. You don't play the status game. You know, you dress appropriately. I'm not saying don't dress inappropriately. Don't dress...

You know, I'm not saying dress inappropriately. But what I'm saying is, you know, you don't need the Lamborghini, and you don't need the 15 different Rolex watches, and you don't need, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever, right? You know, what you need is to feel good about yourself. You know, use your money to figure that out, because that'll serve you far longer than the watch or the Lamborghini And nobody can steal it from you.

You know, when we look at envy, you know, we've been talking a lot about money, but let's come back to envy. Let's say you envy your neighbor who is so much more attractive than you. How is that gonna serve you? Can you fix that? Probably not. You know? I mean, you could make them uglier if you wanted to do something horrible to them, but you're certainly...

You know, I mean, you are who you are. You know, comparing yourself against somebody else is not gonna make a difference. And the scary part is, is that we compare our insides to their outsides, and we think that that's a fair comparison. Shortly after I moved here to, uh, my, my current community, um, I went to a friend's house.

They live in a historic district, uh, in Mishawaka. Um, and, and as I was pulling into their driveway, I was with my ex-wife. They have a, a cute little brick Tudor, historic home in a historic neighborhood. Cute little brick Tudor, and right next to them is this gorgeous white Italianate, and it is a beautiful house.

And as soon as I pulled in, um, my ex-wife said, "Oh, I love their house," referring to our friends who lived in the Tudor. And I said, "If I lived there, I would have house envy every day," because that white Italianate is just gorgeous. And this gorgeous front yard, green grass, flowers on the front porch. And I thought, "I couldn't live in that little Tudor, because I would every day pull in and see that Italianate."

And I learned such a lesson, because we pulled around their house, and we parked, and when I got in the back of their house, they had this massive pool. My... Our friends. Massive pool, 300 feet of grass, and then a giant cement dock that goes out into the river. And I thought, "They have the loveliest yard in this entire town."

But all I could see from the front was how much lovelier their neighbor's house looked than theirs. They had a cute house, but it wasn't the gorgeous house on the street. But boy, uh, once I saw the reality of their property, I thought, "That, that is the golden nugget right there." And how often we're so envious of what we see on the outside.

We, we think that someone else has it better because they have the nice car, or the better job, or the better appearance, or the, the kids that are more successful, or whatever that is. But, but boy, we miss that mess that we all like to keep in the backyard. I, I mean, that's, that's a, a great external metaphor.

But on the inside too, we also have the, the concept of, you know... I mean, if you had looked at me when I was 28 years old, I had a successful business, I had a full-time assistant, I was married to a gorgeous man who, who did nothing but work out. Um, I had a dog and a big house on a cul-de-sac lot, and I was a pillar of my community, and, you know, I was running...

I was president of Habitat for Humanity in, in that area. Um, and From all in, for all intents and purposes, from the outside, my life looked super successful. I was freaking miserable. I hated my life. There was nothing I wanted to keep, which I proved by the fact that I divorced my husband, made him take the dog, sold the house, sold the business, quit the, the nonprofit, and moved out of state to live with a bunch of people I had met at the Renaissance Fair.

Okay? You wanna talk about I wanted nothing to do with my former life, right? I was just like, "I'm out." This is not the Auntie Mame life I had anticipated, right? So I When I say that you have no idea what's going on on the inside, you don't. Speaking as someone who talks to people all day long about what's going on on the inside, and a- almost everyone I work with has a facade that they wear for the rest of the world that says, "I'm fine.

Life is good." And on the outside, nobody would have a clue that they were unhappy, and yet they're incredibly in pain and unhappy and, you know, trying to figure out what's going on. When you're looking at somebody's outsides, what you're looking at is, is the, the equivalent of their social media feed, right?

I mean, social media became our mask, right? Nobody puts out, "I'm a hot mess shit show," on their social media unless they're a coach, right? I do. Right. I grew to that place, yes. Right. Yeah. So, you know, the only people who are doing that are people who are trying to encourage others to own their own stuff, right?

'Cause they're saying, "It's okay to be a hot mess shit show," right? And that's just the nature of, of life sometimes, right? Um, a- and I think in a lot of ways we really do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. But I also recognize that in some cases, there, there's no room for vulnerability, that there's no allowance for vulnerability.

You know, if you're a woman on the police force, for instance, you know, you have to put forward perfection because they're already assuming that you're gonna fail or, you know, that, that sort of thing. And I'm, I don't wanna pick on the police per se, but you know, the, any, any boys club, right? Any, any- Most professions really, yes

yeah, profession that's a boys club, uh, especially one that requires physical aptitude, right? So, you know, i- i- it would be the same for an, a, you know, a guy in an inherently female world, although different because women allow for more emotional state than men do. And so there's... it's different. Um, so but there's, there's so much when envy comes into play, there's so much that we just don't, we don't acknowledge is happening for the other person.

And you know, you envy the other person, but with every change of state, with every change in identity comes a whole new set of challenges. You know? We, we imagine that life is just easy, but it's not. There's a whole new lay- whole new layer of stuff you have to learn, right? And a whole new layer of problems you have to deal with.

It's like I don't wanna be famous Because I don't wanna have to worry about my spouse being kidnapped. I don't wanna have to worry about people come, coming in and assaulting me or whatever. I don't wanna have to worry about all the things that really famous people have to worry about. Like, I don't, I, I don't wanna have to have that life, right?

So, you know, every state of being comes with its own challenges, and that's the old, that's the old, uh, uh, story of, you know, a peddler comes into town and everybody's fighting with each other, and they're all at each other's throats and, and he says, "I can solve your town's problems, but you gotta pay me your entire year's worth of wages."

And they were in such a horrible state that they agreed to this, uh, thinking that there's no way he could solve the problems. And he said, "Okay, everybody take your problems, write them down, tack them to the oak tree in the center of town." And that's... Everybody did that, and he said, "Okay, now go to the oak tree and, and read- All the, the problems on the oak tree and then pick one and take it with you.

And to a person, they all took their own problems back, and they all stopped fighting because they understood everyone else's problems too. That may be where gratitude comes in, because it's not just gratitude for the things that we have that we like, but perhaps it's gratitude for our own struggles that we ourselves understand better than the struggles of others.

Uh, you know, it- within the last 14 months, I came out, left a marriage of 13 years almost, uh, left a job, uh, took a $30,000 pay cut, um, started a new job. Uh, and the reality is, is that I am very grateful because I know myself today. Like, I know my own struggles, I know my own blessings, and, and I'm a lot more kind to myself than I was a year and a half ago, and I can appreciate the place that I'm at today.

And I think that that may be where gratitude comes in. You know, being grateful for not only the good things, but the hard things, uh, that we ourselves own, rather than taking on the burdens of others. Yeah. And, you know, uh, it's very interesting because, um, earlier in the podcast I said, you know, we need to heal the rich, which of course assumes that the rich wanna be healed, right?

And so you can't assume that, right? And you can't heal someone who doesn't want healing, right? So gratitude comes in when we say, "Okay, I'm gonna be grateful for what I have." And it doesn't mean that I'm going to be complacent and not, you know, uh, endeavor for more, but it, it means that we are not constantly going, "Well, this isn't good enough."

Right? Which, if you've come up in a, in a challenged environment where, you know, positive reinforcement wasn't said very often, then, you know, the idea of saying positive things to yourself is, is alien, right? And so, you know, gratitude can be one of the most powerful practices there is. But it requires and energetic.

And that's the piece that I think it, it... You know, this is the problem with affirmations. I've talked about this on podcasts in the past and, and the idea of affirmations being mostly useless because you say them and then your b- your brain goes, "Yeah, right." You know? The gratitude piece is it's not just words, it is an opening of the heart and an, and a feeling of fullness, right?

It's a, it's a feeling of, wow, I really appreciate this, right? Which, you know, my husband and I do on a regular basis these days because, you know, we both came from a place where we had very little. We, we both lived paycheck to paycheck for a very long time. And, uh, you know, barely made ends meet, had to manifest, had to scrape things by, whatever, you know, and get, get loans from friends when things went horribly wrong and whatever, right?

And, you know, today we actually have savings, which was unheard of in our earlier lives, right? And, you know, we, we can have things on a... You know, we have extra money coming in every month and, and there's enough Right? There's, there's more than enough, right? And, you know, it's not like we're wildly wealthy, but we- we're comfortable, right?

And when you hit that point and you haven't been there for before, um, you know, you weren't there in the past, it's, it's super important to really just be in that place of, wow, I'm so grateful, right? And, and not to say that I wasn't grateful before. I was. I was grateful for different things, right? But this idea, I think a lot of the, the times...

And this, this is again, one of those things I think for, for me in particular, the money issue was about giving my dad a way to love me, right? Because he would g- he would send me money if I was in need, and that was really kind of the way he showed me he loved me, right? Uh, he wasn't very good at it in any other way.

So the gratitude piece is around going, "Oh, I could have it differently." It could have been different and it has been different in the past, and it's not this way now, and I'm so grateful for that, right? And, and when we give to charity, we give from a full heart. We give from our overflow, and we say, "Oh, I'm so grateful that I have this money to offer up," right?

And I'm so grateful that I have this money to put towards my causes and my beliefs and my, you know, desire to, to give and be, be, um, gracious and whatever. So these are the things that gratitude can play into, and there's an entire episode, guys, on, on the t- subject of gratitude with Noah, uh, McIntyre, which was fantastic.

Um, if you have not listened to it, it's, I think it was in the first year, year and a half of the podcast and, and, uh, it's just, the episode is called Gratitude, and it's very much worth listening to. Uh, he, he grew up on, at the f- you know, he studied with Thich Nhat Hanh when he was, like, four. So I mean, you wanna talk about having it in his bones.

His, his mother one of, was one of the original authors of Our Bodies, Ourselves. So, you know, so it's just like, she's, she's amazing. And so, you know, he- he's a, a really great gratitude teacher, so and so he's gonna do that so much more justice than I can here. But suffice it to say that, that gratitude is super important.

And then there's kindness Right? And kindness is just simply being nice. And it's, it's being nice from a heartful place though. Not being nice to manipulate or being nice because it's expected, but being nice because, being kind to someone because they're another human being on the planet who is in need of, you know, attention and care and concern and...

Or even just, you know, because they're another human on the planet. And I think that the, the gratitude and kindness really reflects that, that what, what we, where we started. That envy really is more internal that can manifest in an external fashion. So gratitude and kindness really is gratitude is mostly internal that manifests itself in kindness towards those around us.

And I think that, that, that's such a lovely thing because envy really is internal with a little external. Uh, so the virtue really, uh, the virtues really show that because there's an internal and an external virtue. Not that we can't be kind to ourself, but you know what I mean. I mean kindness in general we think of, uh, it being an external virtue that, that we offer towards others.

Yeah. Well, and if we're not kind to ourselves, we will become empty through our acts of kindness to others, right? So the, the... it's important to have them both be the true, uh, both be true. Um, there's a woman here in Richmond who makes these signs that say, "Be kind," and she makes them out of scraps, s- you know, scrap wood, and she gives them away to people all over the city.

And, you know, the idea is she wants everybody to have a sign in their house that says, "Be kind." Um, and we put it right next to our front door and, you know, so that we see it every time we walk out the house. You know, just be kind. It's a gift that she's doing. It's her, her, her spiritual practice, right? And it's a beautiful thing The, so I wanna, I wanna delineate the difference between kindness and managing somebody else's life, right?

Because there's a big difference. You know, kindness is, hey, I threw a quarter in your meter for you without you knowing, and I just kept going, right? That's a random act of kindness, right? Kindness is, you know, somebody's crying and you, you're like, "Are you okay?" Right? Kindness is, uh, you know, offering to help and accepting the answer of yes or no, okay?

When we can't accept a, "No, I don't want your help," then we're not being kind. We're trying to establish our value through our actions, and we're using the other person to make ourselves feel better, okay? And it, and, and we feel good about it, and then we get frustrated because the other person won't let us give to them, right?

And we're like, "Oh, but, uh, I'm gonna do it anyway." It's like, that's not about, that's not about them. That's about you, right? Uh, it's, uh, food drives every Thanksgiving. How many, how many, uh, well-intentioned, uh, organizations pass out 20, 30-pound turkeys to people who have no clue how to cook a turkey, and that turkey means nothing to them.

They would much... You know, we, we insist that people have to receive the kindness that we would want ourselves- Right ... rather than the kindness that perhaps is beneficial. And I've heard that said so many times over the last several years. Uh, you know, finally, um, uh, rescue missions across, uh, across the United States are realizing, like, turkeys aren't really great Thanksgiving gifts.

You know, like, thank you. Well, and, and even donating to the food banks themselves, the food banks will tell you that cash goes much further for them than food donations, that they can get food much cheaper than we can get food. And if we would just give them the cash rather than the food, they would be able to make more out of it.

But we wanna give on our own terms. Um, one of my favorite episodes of Frasier was an episode where he built a Habitat for Humanity house, and he showed up to just make sure that the house was okay, and they'd changed the mailbox to a cow mailbox. And then he walked in, and he started to rearrange their furniture for them, and it was because he couldn't let go.

And I, and I just... That's e- that's exactly what I think of with this. Kindness, kindness is offering ourselves to others, not forcing ourselves upon others. Yes. Yeah. We, we actually, in my Habitat affiliate back in the day, um, and I'm not gonna say which affiliate it was because it would get them in trouble.

But we actually had a problem, and we, we actually had to address it because we had a church that had partnered with the, with the affiliate to build a house for one of the church members. And the church members, the church was an affluent church, and they kept donating in-kind donations of really nice doors And really nice X, Y, and Z.

Not realizing that we had to charge the homeowners the actual value of what that would have been had it been purchased, and that they were inflating the price of the house to a point where it was not gonna be, uh, a-affordable for the people who were buying it, because that's, you know, the mandate of, of, uh, Habitat is simple, decent housing.

And, you know, you pay for the amount that it costs to build your house and no more, with no interest, right? Just that's, that's how they do it. And, you know, when the in-kind donation comes in, you have to give it a value, and it was like, "You've got to stop doing this." And we had to have a come to Jesus meeting with the church, you know, because it was a problem, right?

And so, you know, that's, that's a classic example of, of giving not bec- you know, you want them to have something nicer. It's like, yeah, but it's not what they need. These are things... And, and of course it's the, it- it's envy in reverse, right? Right. It's, it's I want you to come up to my level. It's, it's a, it's, it's this bizarre tribal dance that we do as humans of, you know, equalizing and, you know, whatever.

We're trying to, we're trying to all feel like we're as good as each other, and we do it through monetary and physical things rather than through our own inner work. And that becomes the challenge, right? And we do it with love too. You know, we didn't talk about that, but it works the same way. You know, oh, you know, you're in relationship and I'm not and I'm so sad and, you know, that must mean that you're a better person than I am and, you know.

And, you know, who knows? That relationship could be toxic as crap and you wouldn't know, right? You have no idea. You can, you can put a coat of paint on anything. Or, you know, the relationship could be fantastic too, but it doesn't mean anything about you that the other person has a fantastic relationship and that you're single, right?

It, it, they're, they're unrelated, right? You, you will have a relationship when you're ready to have a relationship and not before until, until you meet the person that you want to be in a relationship with. And the pickier you are, the longer that's gonna take. And being picky is not necessarily a bad thing, right?

That doesn't mean that you are any worse off than the other person. It just means that you are, y- you have not met the right person And, and it's not... There's no value judgment set on that, right? Yeah. Okay, so a wrap-up. We need a wrap-up. Do you have something? So, so much of... So, so many of these seven, seven sins, seven deadly sins, uh, seven cardinal sins that we've looked at are really external, and this one really takes us to the depths of our soul as to whether we are enough ourselves, whether we can embrace the divine in ourselves as, as something of beauty and of value.

Um, and, and, um, and so I think for me, that, that's, that's my wrap-up, is, is if, if the divine is in me, then what on earth am I looking at my neighbor for, uh, to find, to find something more holy and of value? I don't know. That's perfect. I love it. And if you are looking inside and wanting some help on that journey, come and see us.

Uh, you know, sign up for a discovery call, uh, on the Inner Peace 101 program, and we are happy to talk to you about whether or not that path is the, the right path for you based on where you are in your process. Uh, you can find it on kellesparta.com. And so this is the, this is the end of our series, Grant.

Thank you for having me. This has been so wonderful. I've just loved it, Kelle. Oh, this has been fantastic. And, you know, you and I keep talking in between calls where I'm like, "Oh my God, I love you so much." Yeah, so, uh, we will definitely have to have you back on the podcast, so... All right, so, uh, you can find Grant @perfectlyg on TikTok, and, uh, we will drag him back onto the podcast at some time in the future, I'm sure.

And, uh, you know, that's all we have for this week, so thank you so much for coming. I've, I've so enjoyed having you here. It has been such a blessing for us, uh, for me personally and for the listeners to have you here. Thank you for agreeing to do this. Um, and that's all we have for this week. Uh, tune in next time when I share another episode on energy, magic, and the spirit world.

I'm Kelle Sparta, here with Grant Merrill, and you have been listening to Spirit Sherpa. So long, everyone.