Jack gets Jose to help her fix her car. Or at least try to find out why it's breaking all the laws of mechanics.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone booting up. Elevator dings, doors open, JACK and JOSE enter EDWITH’s apartment. The door closes behind them.]

EDWITH

I trust you both got my email?

JOSE

[Same time as JACK]

Nope.

JACK

[Same time as JOSE]

Yeah. Something about an emergency? You’re going away for a while, right?

EDWITH

That’s right.

JOSE

Good.

JACK

Is everything okay?

EDWITH

I...I think so! Perhaps a bit.... No, no, it should be fine. It’s rare to have a conference of this magnitude being called, is all.

JACK

This is with upper management, then?

EDWITH

As ‘upper’ as upper management can be, yes.

JACK

That’s gotta be nerve wracking.

EDWITH

But I’m trying to stay positive!

JACK

Well... I’m here for you. If you want me to be.

EDWITH

I... think it would be unprofessional to involve--well. It would be best to refrain from involving anyone. I wouldn’t want to see you dragged into a potential mess like this promises to be.

JACK

You know my number if you change your mind. Keystones, too, right?

EDWITH

...Thank you, Jack. I’ll think on it. You’ve really shown how much I can rely on you.

JOSE

Ugh. Do you guys want me to leave for a bit, or...?

EDWITH

[She clears her throat]

I know this is short notice, and since I will be unable to act as your correspondent to Fidus Achates policy, it’s best if you both take the day off.

JOSE

Paid?

EDWITH

Of course.

Although that is not something we can afford to do for the entirety of my absence, unfortunately. So...

There are a few jobs we’ve been hired on for as a third party. You are to take care of those to the best of your abilities. I’m in the process of making a complete report on what you’ll be expected to do, and who to contact in case you need support or clarification. I’ll have the report to you by the end of today.

A few of them are a fair ways away from the complexes you’ve been handling recently. Will you be able to handle two to three hour drives?

JACK

Yeah, Ed. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll take care of it. You just focus on prepping for this meeting! Trust us!

EDWITH

Thank you.

JOSE

Ugh.

[Exaggerated gagging noises]

EDWITH

[Sighs at JOSE’s gagging.]

Jack, I hope you enjoy your day off. Do something fun and relaxing. Maybe try out some gardening? As for you Jose...get out.

JOSE

You don’t have to tell me twice.

JACK

Seeya later, I guess?

EDWITH

See you this evening.

[JACK runs after JOSE to catch the elevator with him. Smacks his shoulder]

JOSE

Hey, ow! That’s bullying. You’re bullying in the workplace.

JACK

Just because I-- Just because you think I have a crush on her--

JOSE

[Laughs]

Smooth.

JACK

Look, I didn’t offer to help just so I could get in her pants, okay? I was just trying to be half decent! What the hell is your problem, anyway?

JOSE

Ask me again when you’ve been working for Fidus Achates for three years. Or hell. A week.

JACK

Why, did they accidentally salt your hot chocolate once, or something?

JOSE

Don’t even joke about that.

JACK

Which reminds me--

[They exit the elevator to the garage.]

JOSE

Hey, Wendy?

JACK

Yeah?

JOSE

When we parked, was your car smoking?

JACK

See I meant to tell you on the ride over, but uh... It’s been making some weird noises lately.

[JOSE groaning loudly]

And if we’re going to be able to do our contract work, I uh...sorta need you to help me fix my car. Please?

JOSE

[Groaning even louder.]

JACK

I’ll buy hot chocolate?

JOSE

And an egg sandwich.

JACK

What?

JOSE

Hot chocolate, extra whip, with chocolate sprinkles and one of those croissant egg sandwiches. Or no deal.

JACK

Fine! Fine. At least go get the tools and get started. It’s going to take me a bit without my car.

JOSE

Keys.

JACK

Here.

[She throws the keys to him.]

Ugh, it looks like it’s gonna rain. Y’know you could not be an ass and we could just get started here in this nice toasty garage. It’d get done quicker and everything--

JOSE

Nope.

JACK

[Her turn to groan loudly.]

Fine. Off I go to catch my death, probably.

JOSE

Oh no, stop, you’re pulling on my heartstrings.

[His voice gets quieter as JACK starts walking away from him.]

I can’t take it. Sooner or later these sobs are going to spill out. Any second now. Aaaany second--

JACK

[She’s trying not to laugh]

You’re insufferable.

[Keystone shuts off after five seconds.]

SCENE TWO

[Keystone activates as JACK is approaching JOSE. Vague sounds of metal clanking. There’s a torrential downpour happening just outside the garage.]

JOSE

Oh good, you’re back. I have questions.

JACK

“Thanks for bringing me my stupid hot chocolate and my stupid egg sandwich, Jack! Oh wow, you’re soaked! That’s awful! Would you like a minute to warm up?” Gee, Jose, that’d be great--

JOSE

Nope. You knew the deal. Okay go ahead and show me what happens when you try and start the car, would you?

JACK

[She groans, but passes off the goods and gets in the car. Opens car door. Closes car door. Puts the keys in the ignition. Tries to turn the engine over. It sounds like it’s stalling out.]

JOSE

[From outside the car.]

That’s...not possible.

JACK

[Opening the car door to talk to him.]

What?

JOSE

That’s just straight up not possible. That’s...what the fuck did you do to your car, Jack?

JACK

Hey, you remembered my name!

JOSE

Focus. Your engine just stalled out when you turned the key.

JACK

And that’s...bad?

JOSE

Normally it’s an annoyance. But it’s a fucking miracle when the engine is sitting in the trunk of the fucking car.

JACK

Oh, that’s not the engine. I mean it can’t be, right?

JOSE

What? No, I saw it, it just tried to--

JACK

I mean it fell loose from the frame like... a month ago? A couple weeks after I got it. But aside from freaking me out, nothing really changed. I’ve been meaning to get it re-attached, but--

JOSE

Oh my god. No, that’s definitely your engine.

Another thing. When was the last time you topped up on gas?

JACK

Oh. Is that a maintenance thing I’m supposed to do?

JOSE

What the fuck?

JACK

I saw a little icon pop up about that. Check oil or something. I’ve been meaning to watch a tutorial.

JOSE

To be clear, you have never filled up the car with gas.

JACK

No...?

JOSE

How did you get this job?

JACK

W-What? I-I--! I can do building repairs, okay? Not-Not car stuff! Everyone has specialties! It’s not a big deal!

JOSE

That--

[pause for emphatic gesturing]

--is your engine. It’s not connected to anything, and apparently has been sitting in your trunk for the past month. And this--

[pause for him walking around and yanking open the gas cap]

--is where you would fill the car with fuel. Gas. Y’know, from a gas station. Because cars use fuel to go. And this little port is what is supposed to connect to your fuel tank. This one, however, doesn’t.

Because your fuel tank is entirely missing.

JACK

Okay, so I have a few blind spots--

JOSE

No, you’re still not getting it. Two of your wheels aren’t even being held in place. There’s no lug nuts. One of the windshield wipers is duct taped on. I think it’s just a stick.

JACK

Hey--

JOSE

You wanted to know if magic was real? This is it. This is the most definitive proof I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what you did to this thing--

Did you make a deal with a demon? With fae?

JACK

What? No!

JOSE

At least not that you know of.

JACK

Oh god. Are you being serious? You’re not being serious.

JOSE

I am one-hundred percent serious.

JACK

Wait, then is the magic wearing off? Is my car dead? I can’t afford a new car! I could barely afford this one! Oh god, oh fuck--

JOSE

You paid money for this?

JACK

--oh shit, fuck, I don’t have savings!! What am I going to do--?

JOSE

I mean the car is definitely dead. No matter how you look at it, it is super, totally, completely dead. Dead as a doornail. Deader than Dumbledore. Deader than J.K.Rowling’s reputation.

JACK

Oh my god.

JOSE

The question is ‘can we make it undead again’.

[Beat]

Zombie car. Unbelievable.

JACK

Zombies are real?

JOSE

No. ...Not outside of this car, at least. Hold on. I’m going to get some old notes. Stay here. Make sure it doesn’t...summon the nine ring wraiths or burst into flames, or something.

JACK

What? It might do that? Wait, Jose! What am I supposed to do if it does that!

JOSE

[Distant, as he’s running away from the keystone. He laughs.]

Run!

JACK

[Beat]

Oh my god.

[Keystone deactivates after 5 seconds of silence.]

SCENE THREE

[Keystone activates.]

JACK

What am I supposed to be looking for again?

JOSE

I dunno. Anything that could be magical.

JACK

Could you limit that a little more? Like at all?

JOSE

How am I supposed to know what kind of stuff you keep? Just dig around in there until you find something suspicious! Anything you might have gotten from a ghost, or a demon, or fae, or a dragon or something.

JACK

Dragons?

JOSE

Super rare. You’d know it if you met one.

[He takes a bite of his sandwich. Crinkling of fast food bags JACK is taking out of the car.]

Holy shit, are all those recent?

JACK

I like Burger King, okay?

JOSE

No one likes Burger King. Is that a sword?

JACK

It’s my fencing sabre.

JOSE

You fenced with an actual sword? Isn’t that illegal or something? That should probably be illegal.

JACK

No, that one’s just...Yeah, it’s a real, theoretically combat-ready sword. It was the prize in a tournament I was in. My fencing one should be in there somewhere, too.

JOSE

[JOSE unsheathes the sword]

Whoa. I feel like Errol Flynn.

JACK

Don’t hold it by the blade! Are you going to help me clear out everything or not?

JOSE

That’s a negative, ghost rider.

[Sheathes the sword]

JACK

[Groaning.]

Earlier, you said magic came from deals with demons or fae.

JOSE

A simplification of it, but that’s the gist.

JACK

Whatever. Is it possible to enter a deal like that without knowing?

JOSE

Ehhh... I guess it’s possible. But it’s not likely.

JACK

Why not?

JOSE

I mean. You’d think that you’d feel the overwhelming sensation of magic sinking into your very core to bind you to a deal or a promise. Blinding flash of light, searing heat, usually some symbolic utterances... Demons aren’t big on being discreet.

JACK

Wait, what? How do you--

JOSE

Hypothetically.

JACK

Jose. Have you made deals before?

JOSE

This isn’t about me. This is about your weird demon car.

JACK

Hey. Demon car or not, she’s still my baby, okay?

[She goes back to rummaging for a bit.]

Are all demons evil? I mean, Millie wasn’t. Maybe I accidentally made a deal with a nice one.

JOSE

[Snorts]

No. Demons are just ghosts that got control over their anchor. Whatever they were attached to. And got good at manifesting.

JACK

[Hits her head on the roof of the car, scrambling out to look Jose in the eye.]

All demons are people?

JOSE

Used to be. That’s kinda the thing they lost that made them demons, y’know? Their humanity.

JACK

Fae too?

JOSE

Oh, fuck no. Fae are horrible. They’re just pure magic. No physical anchor, no attachment point, nothing. Malicious fuckers.

JACK

Oh. Damn. Have you...met one?

JOSE

I’m still alive, so no. Probably not. And if I did, I wasn’t made aware. I’m a-okay with it staying that way.

JACK

Cuz if you were aware--

JOSE

I’d be dead-er than this stack of scrap.

[Pats the hood.]

JACK

Hah. Okay. So demons are just like... levelled up ghosts. And fae are the real nasties. Big on privacy. You may or may not have made some shady deals, and my car may or may not be...cursed?

JOSE

That’s about as close to an accurate term as you’re gonna get, I think. Find anything yet?

JACK

Just more receipts.

[Beat]

Hey wait. How could you tell Millie was a demon, not a ghost? How would we be able to tell if someone was fae?

JOSE

Demons are easy. You can just feel it. Plus, most of them stop looking human, or acting human after a while. The velociraptor thing was a dead giveaway. I have no idea about tells for fae. Just know they can’t lie.

JACK

Seriously? Bet that puts a damper in the whole super-powerful vibe.

[Beat]

Hey, Jose. Lie to me.

JOSE

You’re a competent mechanic and repair person.

JACK

Wow. Rude.

[Keystone deactivates after 5 seconds.]

SCENE FOUR

[Car door slams closed. Keystone activates.]

JOSE

...That’s everything?

JACK

That’s everything.

JOSE

Except--?

JACK

--except the car parts, yeah. Engine is still in the trunk.

JOSE

Hm.

[Keys jingling and he moves to open the driver side door, takes the driver’s seat. There’s distant sounds of him trying to turn on the ignition. Again, it stalls.]

JACK

I don’t understand! That’s everything!

JOSE

Well. Not everything. Try taking the engine out, and I’ll give it another go. There’s a crane mechanism off to your right there--

JACK

Seriously?

JOSE

You have a better idea?

JACK

...Fair enough. Okay. Here goes.

[JACK struggling to pick up the engine, sounds of the car creaking from the weight being moved. Then sounds of JACK slipping, and losing control. There’s a loud thump as the engine crashes back down into the trunk. JACK yelps.]

Shit! Fuck, ow! Shit, shit. Goddamn that hurts. Augh.

JOSE

You good?

JACK

Cut the shit out of my palm. Ugh. Look, you don’t think this needs stitches, right?

JOSE

Whoa! Nope, no. Don’t show me that. I don’t wanna see that. That’s your business.

JACK

Oh don’t be such a baby, it’s just a flesh wound.

JOSE

[Gagging sounds]

If I tell you that you probably don’t need stitches will you stop waving it at me?

JACK

What are the odds that my baby here just needed a little blood sacrifice?

JOSE

[There’s a long pause.]

Actually--

JACK

Oh my god.

JOSE

Well, we might as well try it!

[He tries turning on the ignition again. It runs smoothly.]

...Wow.

JACK

Oh my god.

JOSE

That’s...well, the good news is that that’s probably not demon or fae bullshit. The bad news is that I have no idea what that means, and your car is apparently thirsty for blood.

JACK

[There’s a long, long pause]

...I mean. It’s cheaper than taking it to the shop?

JOSE

[He laughs]

Right? Alright, blood mage. Drive me home.

JACK

Do you think I should get a cape? I think I’m gonna get a cape.

JOSE

No capes.

[Keystone deactivating after a bit.]

SCENE FIVE

JACK

[Keystone activates mid-knock. Sounds of JACK listening to DEAREST DUKE. The knock is quiet. There’s a pause, and JACK pauses DEAREST DUKE. She walks over to the door and checks the peep hole.]

Oh!

[She takes a moment to clear her throat]

Just a minute!

[Sounds of JACK frantically cleaning up.]

EDWITH

[Muffled from the other side of the door]

Jack? Could I see you for a moment?

JACK

Yeah! Yeah, totally! Hold on--

[Running to the door to open it. Trying to be cool.]

Hey, Ed--Oh.

Whoa.

Wow.

EDWITH

Hello.

JACK

P-Please, come in! Wow.

EDWITH

Oh, there’s really no need for that.

JACK

I insist!

EDWITH

Well, if you insist.

JACK

I’ve got...well, I’ve got water, and one of my two glasses is serving as a vase for those flowers you gave me.

EDWITH

[She steps inside.]

They still look beautiful. A nice dash of colour for the place. It looks like you’ve moved in smoothly. Here, take a moment to go through everything while I’m here.

[Hands over report.]

I’ll stay while you read, in case you have any questions. The job at the wedding venue could be complex. But I am confident in your abilities.

JACK

Sure! Yeah! Stay as long as you like! Er. Reading. Hold on.

...Wait, will we not even be able to call you while you’re gone?

EDWITH

[Pause]

Not reliably, no.

JACK

That’s too bad, I kind of like having you at my beck and call.

EDWITH

Do you? I suppose there’s nothing stopping you from calling. I wouldn’t be able to pick up, of course, but I think the gesture would be clear enough.

JACK

But you couldn’t call me back, could you?

EDWITH

Sadly not, no.

JACK

Gestures aren’t much fun without that give and take.

EDWITH

Like a good duel?

JACK

We never did get the chance. I found my sabre in my car today, you know. Think you could take me?

EDWITH

I do, yes. Although I expect you’ll want me to prove it, won’t you?

JACK

Probably more than once.

EDWITH

I have some spare time now. If you’re up for a round. Or two.

JACK

In that skirt and heels you really must be something.

EDWITH

Then what are you waiting for? If your courage is failing you...

JACK

Nah. No courage needed. There’s a difference between hesitation and taking in the sights.

EDWITH

Do pick up the pace, then. I have a trip to prepare for after your defeat.

JACK

So confident.

I’m starting to think you’re something worth taking my time on. Maybe we should save the duel for when you return. When we can enjoy it properly, together.

EDWITH

Ah. That is a shame. I was hoping... Ah well. I suppose I ought to get back to my preparations unless you have any more questions.

JACK

Hey, Ed, wait a sec, c’mere.

Just wanted to say...Good luck. At this meeting, it sounds like a big deal, I know you’ll do great. I don’t know what kind of impression you need to make, but I know you’ll make it!

EDWITH

[She laughs]

That’s very kind of you. Thank you.

[Beat.]

For whatever it is worth, I am glad I made the decision to hire you. I think if I weren’t your boss, I would have very much liked to have been your ...friend.

JACK

‘Friend,’ huh? We can still be friends. If you want to be.

EDWITH

But...I would be intruding beyond what’s considered appropriate--

JACK

So what? Friends do stupid things together all the time. Maybe this is your stupid thing!

EDWITH

Stupid thing...?

[Nervous laugh.]

My apologies. I think you’ll find that I’m not very good with... making friends.

JACK

Just so I’m clear, by ‘friends’ you mean girlfriends?

EDWITH

Ah, don’t--

JACK

Like dating people, that kind of ‘friend.’ Friends that are both girls and nowhere near platonic. Feelings involved. Fun things are involved. Duels. That kind of friend. A girlfriend.

EDWITH

Jack--!

JACK

[Laughing]

What?

EDWITH

The keystones! HR. Maybe this was a mistake. Discretion is certainly not your strong suit. I really shouldn’t be doing this. Or even talking about this. I’ve only been here a month and already I’m going to be in trouble for--

JACK

Whoa, okay. Okay. Okay. I can be discreet. We can be discreet.

‘Friends.’

EDWITH

Oh my god, Jack, the wink.

JACK

[She laughs]

Well, don’t tell the keystone about the wink! That ruins the discreet effect. Besides, making ‘friends’... Or even just the bits before actual... ‘friendship.’ It’s not so bad! I’ll show you. Ready?

EDWITH

No! What?

JACK

Hey Ed. Wanna be my friend?

EDWITH

I don’t know! There are rules, Jack! You can’t just--!

JACK

[Stage whisper]

This is where you say ‘Why yes, Jack, I’d love to be friends. You’re so cool and have great taste in tv shows, and I’d love to read your book someday--’

[Continues while EDWITH stammers for a bit.]

EDWITH

I--

Are you certain--

Maybe you wouldn’t--

JACK

It’s okay if the answer is no.

EDWITH

Okay.

Yes. I think ...I would like that. A lot.

JACK

Yeah? Hey, look at you!

EDWITH

[She laughs]

You make it seem so easy.

[Beat]

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as peculiar as you. Brave, but peculiar.

JACK

Hah, yeah, y’know. Seize the day, live in the moment, and all that.

EDWITH

And all that.

I really do regret leaving you alone so early in your employment.

JACK

And in our friendship!

EDWITH

I don’t think I’m being a very good friend, am I?

JACK

Eh, that’s okay. Buy me lunch when you get back and we’ll call it even.

EDWITH

Alright. You can have my promise: when I return, I’ll buy us lunch. Jose too. We could use some team bonding, couldn’t we?

JACK

I’d like that. Yeah.

EDWITH

Until then. Goodnight, Jack!

[She starts leaving.]

JACK

Gnight, new best buddy!

EDWITH

[Muffled as she gets further down the hall]

Don’t push your luck.

JACK

[Laughs and closes the door. Keystone deactivates]