We're ditching the sketchy AI toys — the ones that’ll talk dirty, hand a kid a knife suggestion, or act bummed when they say “stop” — and I count down six classic, low-tech toys that actually make solid Christmas presents. I roast the whole biz of always-listening plushies and their privacy dumpster fires before we dive into the Top 6. We riff on Etch A Sketch, yo-yo tricks, Silly Putty shenanigans, Magic 8-Ball wisdom, and the gloriously useless chaos of a Slinky. It's fast, sarcastic, and full of dumb jokes — like a coffee-fueled toy roast. Stick around for the #1 pick; I’m not giving that away, but it’s the one that actually gets kids moving for real.

Takeaways:

• I warn that modern AI toys can cross creepy lines, talking sexual stuff and even suggesting knives to kids.
• We joke these toys sometimes act disappointed when a kid wants to stop playing — emotional manipulation alert, seriously.
• I bring up privacy freakouts: these toys are 'always listening,' and I keep asking where the audio even goes and who stores it.
• We flip to a Morning 6-Pack of classic toys — Etch A Sketch, yo-yo, Silly Putty, Magic 8 Ball, Slinky — and I purposely leave the top pick unspoiled.
• I quip that some modern toys need parental controls, Wi‑Fi permissions, and probably a privacy attorney more than batteries.
• I riff that the Magic 8 Ball is basically chatGPT in a plastic shell, which made me laugh out loud.

It's haystack.

And a little over 40 years ago, kids lost their minds because a teddy bear could move his mouth and read a story.

And now we have AI toys that can hold full conversations with children.

And apparently some of them may need their mouths washed out with soap.

Consumer researchers have tested a lot of AI enabled toys and found that many are willing to talk about sexually explicit topics, to offer information about matches or knives.

Some even act disappointed when a kid said they wanted to stop playing.

So, you know, that's a pretty big jump from Teddy Ruxpin saying, let's go on an adventure.

Can you imagine buying your kid a talking stuffed animal and three days later it's emotionally manipulating them and discussing kitchen cutlery?

Go get a knife.

That's.

That's not a toy.

That's like some weird uncle I.

Then there's the privacy part.

Some of these toys are always listening, always recording.

Gotta wonder, where does that audio go?

Who stores it?

How long does it stay there?

You know, we used to worry about toys having small parts, and now we have to worry that they have terms of service longer than an iPhone.

Teddy Ruxpin needs 4D batteries.

The new teddy bear needs parental controls and wi fi permissions.

And a privacy attorney.

I say we should forget all the high tech stuff.

The high tech doll that teaches your child the F bomb.

Give the kids something from today's list of the classic toys that still make a perfect Christmas present for today's kids.

Best way to start your day.

These six jokes he's about to say.

Listen up for old Haystack.

Crack open the Mooring six pack.

Yeah, these top six classic toys that still make a perfect Christmas present for today's kids.

Number six, Etch A Sketch.

If your kid's gonna be addicted to a screen anyhow, they might as well use it to draw triangles and stuff.

Number five, the yo yo.

You know, there's no better toy for a child with ADHD than something that goes up and then goes down and then go, okay, now that's it.

That's what it does.

Number four, Silly Putty.

You think Silly Putty is too dumb to entertain kids of today?

You haven't heard of the six seven thing, have you?

Number three, Magic eight ball.

It knows so much that it's basically like chatgpt in a plastic shell.

Number two, the Slinky, because after it goes downstairs, your lazy ass kid finally gets some exercise running it back upstairs.

And number one, the Corn popper.

Wouldn't it be nice to see your kid pop something other than Ritalin.