For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Most relationships don’t fall apart in one explosive moment. They unravel quietly through patterns we barely notice.

In this eye-opening episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs reveals the four hidden killers that silently destroy relationships from the inside out. If your connection with your partner feels colder, more distant or just off, this episode might explain why, and what you can do about it.

Key Takeaways:

-Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are four of the most destructive behaviors in relationships.

-These patterns often feel normal, but over time they erode trust, love and emotional safety.

-Each “killer” has an antidote, like appreciation, responsibility or effective communication that can rebuild connection.

-Anger often fuels these behaviors, making anger management a crucial step toward healthier relationships.

-By learning to recognise and replace these patterns, you can stop the slow drift apart and bring warmth and closeness back into your relationship.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Relationships don't die in a single moment.

Most relationships don't shatter after one fight or collapse from one betrayal.

No, most relationships die slowly, quietly, and almost imperceptibly.

It may start with a sarcastic comment that cuts just a little too deep.

Or an eye roll that says here we go again.

Or a conversation that ends abruptly because someone storms out.

Whatever is happening, you tell yourself it's normal.

Every couple goes through rough patches.

But somewhere along the way, the laughter stops, the inside jokes disappear, the gentle touches become rare.

And one morning, you wake up strangers.

The person lying next to you, the one you once couldn't imagine living without, feels like a roommate.

The warmth has been replaced by cold politeness.

The connection has been severed by a thousand tiny cuts.

So how does this happen?

How does a love that once felt bulletproof become so fragile?

How do two people who promise to be together forever end up feeling like they're living in separate worlds?

The answer lies in four silent assassins.

And here's the terrifying Most couples don't realize these killers are slowly poisoning their relationship until it's too late.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

In today's episode, I'll expose these four relationship destroyers that lurk in the shadows.

You'll learn to recognize them before they take root.

And more importantly, you'll discover the antidotes that can save your relationship, even if you think it's already too far gone.

Because sometimes the most dangerous enemy isn't the one screaming at you.

It's the one poisoning you so quietly you don't even hear it coming.

Hello and welcome to episode 163 of the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website, angersecrets.com.

there's a link there to access that free training.

Or if you'd like to chat with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment.

Call with me.

I look forward to talking with you.

Okay, with that said, let's lets dive into today's topic, the four hidden killers of your relationship.

Let's begin with the simple what are relationship killers?

I describe relationship killers as the subtle, often overlooked habits that many people unconsciously engage in.

Over time, these relationship killers erode trust, intimacy, and ultimately the loving and caring bond you share with your partner.

One of the most significant contributors to understanding relationship killers is Dr. John Gottman, a renowned American psychologist and relationship researcher.

According to Gottman, there are four common relationship killers.

These relationship killers killer 1 criticism killer 2 defensiveness, killer 3 contempt and killer 4 stonewalling.

Let's look at each of these relationship killers in more detail.

Criticism as you probably know, criticism is when you attack your partner's personality or character or put them down in any way.

Common examples of criticism include saying things like you're so lazy or you never listen to me.

To understand criticism more, it is important to know that criticism is not the same as complaining about your partner.

In fact, we all have complaints about our partners.

For example, you may think that your partner doesn't listen to you enough, or perhaps you think that your partner is too messy or too forgetful.

These are just normal relationship complaints that can be addressed and resolved.

On the other hand, criticism goes straight for the jugular.

When you criticize your partner, you attack who your partner is instead of what they do.

For example, saying you don't listen to me enough is a complaint.

Saying you never listen to me because you are selfish and only care about yourself is criticism.

Criticism is destructive as it implies that you have an issue with who your partner is as a person.

And while some acts of criticism may seem harmless enough in the short term, excessive criticism over time will destroy your relationship.

The next relationship killer is defensiveness.

Defensiveness is when you respond to your partner's complaints or criticism with excuses, justifications or counter attacks.

Some common examples of defensiveness include saying things such as it's not my fault or you always blame me.

While defensiveness is a natural reaction to feeling attacked or criticised, it only escalates conflict in relationships.

The next relationship killer is contempt.

Contempt is when you express a lack of respect for your partner, often through sarcasm, cynicism or hostile humour.

It includes eye rolling, mocking your partner or using overly critical tones in your communication.

Contempt often arises from a feeling of superiority and is extremely damaging to any relationship.

In fact, Gottman's research has shown that expressing contempt for your partner is the single greatest predictor of divorce or relationship breakdown.

Therefore, if you notice any tendency to express contempt towards your partner, you must take steps to change this behaviour immediately.

The final killer of relationships is stonewalling.

Stonewalling refers to shutting down or or withdrawing from communication or refusing to engage in conversations.

Common examples of stonewalling include giving your partner the silent treatment, avoiding difficult discussions or physically leaving the room during an argument.

Stonewalling is often a result of feeling overwhelmed, but it leads to disconnection and a communication breakdown in relationships.

To overcome a tendency towards stonewalling, it is important to learn how to manage your anger and stay present during difficult conversations.

I discuss many tools to help you do this in other episodes of this podcast.

Ok, so there you have it.

The four hidden killers of relationships.

These killers are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Understanding these behaviors and actively working to avoid them can significantly improve your relationship.

But more importantly, each of these behaviors has an antidote to help you create a calmer, happier and more loving relationship.

For example, the antidote for criticism is to make specific complaints.

As an example, instead of saying, you never listen to me, say when I'm talking, could you please put down your phone and make eye contact with me?

That would really make me feel heard and loved.

Next, the antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for your part in conflict.

This helps to de escalate situations and promote understanding and empathy in relationships.

For example, instead of saying it's not my fault, say I can see how my actions have made you upset.

I'm sorry for that.

Thirdly, the antidote for contempt is to practice appreciation.

For example, instead of mocking or using sarcasm, find ways to show appreciation for your partner's positive qualities.

For example, you could say, thank you for always making me laugh or I admire your determination and hard work.

Finally, the antidote to stonewalling is to self soothe.

This includes using tools such as positive self talk or taking a time out to calm down before continuing a difficult conversation.

This allows you to take responsibility for for your emotions and communicate more effectively with your partner.

Okay, that is a lot to process for now.

However, take a moment to think about these four hidden relationship killers and their antidotes in your own relationship.

Are there any relationship killers that you could work on changing?

Can you see how making these changes can improve the quality of your relationship?

With conscious effort and practice, you can create a healthier dynamic and break free from these destructive patterns.

Finally, let's link these four relationship killers to anger.

It's no secret that you will be more likely to engage in these four relationship killers if you are feeling angry or resentful towards your partner.

This is just one reason why controlling your anger is so important in relationships.

It's also a major reason why communication skills are so important in any relationship as the better you are at communicating what is going on for you, the less likely you are to fall into these destructive relationship patterns.

That's why I discuss these topics in detail in the Complete Anger Management System.

In fact, by completing this powerful online coaching program, you will learn how to communicate effectively and manage your anger in a positive way.

And best of all, most of my clients get results in just a few weeks or less.

To learn more about the Complete Anger Management System, visit my website@angussecrets.com OK, that's it for today's episode.

If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.

This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to control their anger today.

And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.