Shownotes
The advent of Y2K threatens everything, and only a KOBOLD programmer can stop it. Enter the brood X cicada.
Today’s story is “MOVE X TO Y2K” by Chase Anderson, a speculative fiction writer, spreadsheet wrangler, and internet bird, and you can find more of his stories on his website.
CW: Insects
Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/move-x-to-y2k-by-chase-anderson
Transcripts
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today’s story is
Speaker:“MOVE X TO Y2K”
Speaker:by Chase Anderson,
Speaker:a speculative fiction writer,
Speaker:spreadsheet wrangler,
Speaker:and internet bird,
Speaker:and you can find more of his stories on his website.
Speaker:Please enjoy “MOVE X TO Y2K”
Speaker:by Chase Anderson The turning of the years was a familiar, if jarring, process.
Speaker:There was the descent into deep slumber,
Speaker:of the patterned dreaming in and out of consciousness,
Speaker:of the sudden breakthrough into awakening.
Speaker:Tebufen had been alive long enough to know the natural rhythms their body took
Speaker:over the 17 years.
Speaker:They immediately knew something
Speaker:was wrong. Even in their dazed state, they knew the numbers were wrong.
Speaker:They were only to awaken after a prime number had passed, but it had only been 12,
Speaker:perfectly nestled between two primes,
Speaker:right before the final long dream
Speaker:to awakening. The imperative to adhere to the numbers
Speaker:to ensure survival
Speaker:was long gone in this civilized age,
Speaker:but the ingrained desire for orderliness remained.
Speaker:Everything worked better when the numbers were perfectly aligned,
Speaker:nature’s code working
Speaker:as expected. Don’t panic,
Speaker:they told themselves,
Speaker:it’s a fluke. A “bug,” as some of their co-workers would say, until they realized who was in the room
Speaker:and apologize profusely.
Speaker:It was hard to imagine why,
Speaker:after millions of years,
Speaker:this would suddenly happen.
Speaker:Ah, right. The year is 1999.
Speaker:That in itself wasn’t extraordinary,
Speaker:it was a good year, another prime number,
Speaker:but otherwise no different from any other.
Speaker:It meant nothing for most animals.
Speaker:But it was the cusp of something major.
Speaker:It would soon be year 0. Or -99, if someone was really stupid and signed the
Speaker:integer. Sounds were warped and muffled,
Speaker:layers of air and cuticle and goo
Speaker:absorbing and decaying the waves,
Speaker:but there were the distinct sounds of shoes on the floor.
Speaker:Muffled noises that could be speech,
Speaker:one higher pitched than the other.
Speaker:Tebufen would have sighed if they were able to breathe; ecdysis was well-underway
Speaker:and that would be impossible.
Speaker:The process was supposed to be slow,
Speaker:sacred, or at least self-reflective.
Speaker:Instead their dimming thoughts were wasted on sorting out
Speaker:who woke them up.
Speaker:There were multiple organizations, all with critical infrastructure that could cause real problems if they stopped working
Speaker:at the birth of the new millennium.
Speaker:But it could wait,
Speaker:just like they had all waited years to address this issue they all knew was coming.
Speaker:Many things about the future of computers were mysterious and hard to predict.
Speaker:The iterative progression of the years was not one of them. Tebufen pushed all of that out of their mind
Speaker:as they focused on breaking free.
Speaker:There was space now,
Speaker:just enough for the smallest wiggle,
Speaker:a limb pressed against the old shell.
Speaker:The voices became clearer
Speaker:and more annoying.
Speaker:They had never timed how long this took, never bothered to
Speaker:look it up, but it wasn’t fast.
Speaker:They couldn’t rush this even if they wished.
Speaker:The available space shrank
Speaker:as their body swelled.
Speaker:The feeling of soft, pliant flesh was disconcerting, of it squishing down as the old carapace pressed into it.
Speaker:The pressure built,
Speaker:the pain, then CRACK!
Speaker:Everything was white,
Speaker:bright, loud. It was
Speaker:all encompassing, it was supposed to be joyful.
Speaker:“By the Prince!” Their first exhalation was a groan.
Speaker:A rabbit, of course. Time ran differently for them,
Speaker:everything was an emergency that could mean the end of the world.
Speaker:He jabbered on about
Speaker:something, but Tebufen ignored him.
Speaker:Their breathing was shallow,
Speaker:scratchy. It took a moment to realize what the issue was.
Speaker:They flexed their tarsi,
Speaker:white and rapidly expanding.
Speaker:Better get this over with. Tebufen dipped past their mouth parts and fished around
Speaker:until they could get a good grip.
Speaker:“Sir, what are you….”
Speaker:The rabbit keeled over as the unpleasant ripping sound echoed through the chamber.
Speaker:A growl. “Was that really necessary?” The cicada glanced at the fleshy tube wound around their tarsal claws.
Speaker:“Yes,” they said, voice raw.
Speaker:“We shed all external structures.”
Speaker:“That’s your throat.”
Speaker:She was a canine,
Speaker:some sort of shepherd with erect, pointy ears.
Speaker:They were very particular about what species you referred to them as, so Tebufen decided to avoid that entirely.
Speaker:It all changed every time they awoke, anyways, so they never bothered.
Speaker:“The body is a torus,”
Speaker:they explained. “Even for you mammals.”
Speaker:They dropped the tracheal lining into the old carapace.
Speaker:Dealing with that off-schedule would be difficult,
Speaker:they realized. “Regardless…,” the dog said,
Speaker:“I’m sure you have questions. It’s currently the year—”
Speaker:“Yes, yes, I know.” Tebufen spread the old carapace apart
Speaker:to step out. Their hind legs were unsteady,
Speaker:sinking under their weight.
Speaker:“Is this even a legal use of ecdysone?”
Speaker:She sniffed and then coughed, covering her nose.
Speaker:“We’re dealing with extraordinary circumstances, Mr. Tebbyfen.”
Speaker:“Tebufen,” they corrected. “Mx. Tebufen.”
Speaker:“My apologies. My department doesn’t work with arthropods often.”
Speaker:They tried to get a read of their name badge, but their sight was still blurry as their new lenses were still hardening.
Speaker:“And that would be…?”
Speaker:“Agriculture.” They sighed.
Speaker:“Do you find that funny?”
Speaker:“I need deep breaths to expand,”
Speaker:Tebufen said. “How else do you think we grow between molts?”
Speaker:It was true, but it also sidestepped acknowledging their frustration at the situation.
Speaker:“So, what’s going to break that’s so important that you had to wake
Speaker:me?” “Mr. Nullard would be the one to explain that.”
Speaker:The rabbit shuffled to his feet.
Speaker:He was easily half the height of the shepherd.
Speaker:Their eyes met and he froze.
Speaker:Tebufen was able to reign in their sigh this time.
Speaker:“It takes several days for this process to end, which is why I look this way.
Speaker:We don’t leave home until our carapaces harden.”
Speaker:They didn’t like being white and squishy, either, but it was only temporary. “D
Speaker:-days?” the rabbit squeaked out.
Speaker:“It’s not an easy process.”
Speaker:“We don’t have days!
Speaker:I need a KOBOLD programmer now!”
Speaker:“Did something happen to all the rest over the last 12 years?”
Speaker:“I don’t think you understand the scope of the issue,”
Speaker:the shepherd said.
Speaker:“Anything that uses dates runs the risk of crashing on the new year.
Speaker:Satellites, stock markets, airplanes.
Speaker:Every programmer available has been recruited to eradicate this bug.”
Speaker:Another sigh. “And you can’t let sleeping dogs lie?”
Speaker:The shepherd’s tail swished.
Speaker:“We understand the repercussions of partially awakening brood X early,
Speaker:both to individuals and to your species.”
Speaker:She really didn’t.
Speaker:Many weren’t happy to see them,
Speaker:so their waking year was busy enough already
Speaker:without having to deal with stares from mammals.
Speaker:But they at least had their own community,
Speaker:friends and loved ones to spend time with.
Speaker:There was a system to support them,
Speaker:to ensure they were housed safely during their long sleep.
Speaker:Being awake at any other time would interrupt that,
Speaker:it risked disaster.
Speaker:But this was too formal,
Speaker:too thought out. There were other programmers like Tebufen, system engineers, database admins and
Speaker:IT specialists who remembered the old ways of wrangling 1s and 0s into the structures most took for granted.
Speaker:They looked to the rabbit,
Speaker:whose suit was too fine and flashy for government work.
Speaker:“Private business, I take it?”
Speaker:Mr. Nullard puffed out his chest.
Speaker:“Of course, founder and CEO of some of the finest genealogical software in this hemisphere.”
Speaker:Right, that would make sense. Rabbits were all about tracking family histories and ancestors, and there was a lot to track.
Speaker:The potential issues began crystallizing in Tebufen’s mind.
Speaker:“Here’s the deal:
Speaker:I can’t leave when I’m like this, but it’s also boring.
Speaker:Bring me some sample data and whatever code documentation tomorrow and I’ll look it over.”
Speaker:“D-data?” “From your databases.
Speaker:I need to figure out what fields must be updated to a new format and design a process for it.” “T
Speaker:-t-that’s proprietary information!
Speaker:I can’t let just
Speaker:anyone look at it!”
Speaker:Once again, Tebufen sighed.
Speaker:“Mr. Nullard, I have to if I’m to fix it, and I understand
Speaker:time is short, so I’m trying to be as efficient as possible.
Speaker:Besides, the dataset will be so large, I’ll never be able to remember who sired who or what date someone got divorced.”
Speaker:The rabbit stared. “…What
Speaker:are you talking about?”
Speaker:“The data, it’s genealogies,
Speaker:those are the sorts of values that are stored.
Speaker:The years will have to be—”
Speaker:“Oh no no no no no no,
Speaker:that’s not the case at all.
Speaker:This isn’t family genealogies, it’s umbellifers!”
Speaker:“…Meaning?” He began counting off the genera on his paws
Speaker:“Caraway, dill, fennel, parsley, cumin, coriander….” Tebufen turned to the shepherd.
Speaker:“You woke me up for spices?”
Speaker:“I am with the agriculture department, Mx. Tebufen.”
Speaker:“And don’t forget the real money maker,”
Speaker:Mr. Nullard interjected.
Speaker:“Carrots!” Their sides spasmed as they held in the exhale aching to be let free.
Speaker:“My services don’t come cheap,”
Speaker:they decided to say.
Speaker:The rabbit waved their hand dismissively.
Speaker:“Whatever the cost, it’ll be much cheaper than the potential brand damage of our software going down for even one day.”
Speaker:“And there’ll be a rush fee,”
Speaker:they added. “Since there’s such a strict deadline.”
Speaker:“Yes, yes. It’s just a shame that I can only contract you for a year,
Speaker:you came highly recommended.”
Speaker:“A shame, truly.” This was “MOVE X TO Y2K”
Speaker:by Chase Anderson,
Speaker:read for you by Rob MacWolf,
Speaker:werewolf hitchhiker.
Speaker:You can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:This is the end of our Summer Reading Program schedule for
Speaker:2023.
Speaker:Next time, we’ll be bringing you the first episode
Speaker:of our october special collection,
Speaker:Ghost of Dog. Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.