Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge and bestselling author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love, joins Dr. Emily for an emotional push-up on asking directly for what you want and need. We can’t read each other’s minds and we don’t all want the same things, so the best way to receive the attention, affection, and recognition that you want in your relationships is to speak up and let others know exactly what you need.

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Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition, that's why I'll share emotional Pushups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together.

Hey, there Fit fans. I am so excited to be here today with Logan Ury, author of the bestselling book, How to Not Die Alone and director of relationship science at dating app, Hinge. Logan, thank you so much for joining me for this Pushup today.

Yeah, I can't wait.

So Logan, obviously, you and I both spend a lot of time thinking about relationships. And one of the things I've been thinking about a lot is that in any given relationship, but especially romantic relationships, we tend to want our partners to read our minds and to give us everything we need before we even know we need it. For example, I have a friend who told me recently that he really wishes his partner would make plans on his birthday each year, and each year she doesn't and he feels really disappointed. And I asked him, well, what did she say when you asked her to make plans? And he said, well, if she only makes plans because I ask her to it, doesn't count. This is a pretty common idea. But the problem with this is that our partners, our friends, our family members can't actually read our minds, and the things that we want and need are not necessarily what they want or need. Which by the way, is why I hate the, quote unquote, golden rule.

Logan, what do you think about this tendency of ours to want the people in our life to intuit our needs?

This is a great topic for me, I definitely agree with what you said. And I feel like I might even have a part in my book where I say like, the point is to have a relationship where you can tell people what you need and see how they react to it, as opposed to finding somebody who's a mind reader. And so I just completely agree with the premise that, I just really love your story. It's like, well, I wouldn't want her to do it because she had to do it. It's like, no, no, no. This has nothing to do with forcing someone to do it. It's saying people can only meet the needs that you express and it's on you to, first of all, what do I want? Which is not easy. That is actually a really hard part. So step one in getting what you want, figuring out what you want. Step two, and getting what you want, asking for it. And step three is evaluating how did the other person respond?

100%. And I think with this person, when we dug into it, he realized that maybe having plans on his birthday is one of his needs. But feeling like his partner thinks about him is another one of his needs. And that's also something he can ask for. He can say, I want to know that I'm on your mind. I want you to show me that when my birthday's coming around, that you put some thought into it. And by asking for it, he's so much more likely to get it. So everything you said resonates perfectly bear with me while I share my philosophy about where this desire comes from.

Great.

So let's throw it back all the way to when we are newborn babies. When we are babies, we are deeply connected to our primary caregiver. There is this very merged quality to the relationship between a baby and parent for the first chunk of life. And as babies, we don't really know where we end and our parent begins. We don't know what we want or need. We just know when we're uncomfortable, we signal that we're uncomfortable. And in a healthy parent baby relationship, the parent will intuit what the baby needs, at least most of the time, and will give it to them.

And over time we do realize that we are separate beings from our parents we realize, oh, I'm separate from you, mom or dad. And this is a phase of infancy that's actually pretty distressing. But over time we learn how to put words to our needs and desires so that they're met. So on some level, I believe we are all searching for that feeling of being merged again. And in a new relationship, it can almost feel like we are. You want the same things. You feel inseparable. You're high on oxytocin and lust, and it feels so good. But at some point you realize you're two different people with different needs and different desires and it can be a little stressful. I've seen that this is the point where many couples split, but if you can get through this period, a new type of connection forms that honors your separateness and your connection.

All that said though, of course, we still wish our significant others could read our mind sometimes. And it can get in the way of being clear and direct with what we need so that they're able to learn how to show up for us.

So Logan, what are your thoughts on all this, this philosophy of mine?

I love that. I really appreciate how you're able to interweave psychology and really help people understand, hey, this is a totally natural feeling. This is what it dates back to, and it's uncomfortable for everyone and let's find a way to move forward.

One thing that crossed my mind while you were saying it, which is just sort of a funny aside, is that for several years, I lived with a close friend of mine named David, and David is actually a pretty famous magician and the type of magic that he does is called mentalism. Whenever people would go to his shows afterwards, they'd be like, wow, can David actually read mines? And I'm like, if he could actually read mines, he'd unload the dishwasher more often. It's like, obviously this was just my friend. We weren't in a romantic relationship, but it was just a feeling of like, yeah, I did need to tell David like, hey, unload the dishwasher more and we got into a fight about it once, and then we got over it. And it was just this feeling of like, no one is actually a mind reader, even though David's very good at it on stage. And that it's so important to be able to say to someone, this is what I need and actually celebrating and recognizing the beauty of being different.

So I think one of the topics that you just brought up that really resonates with me is we just all go through the world thinking that the way we think is how everyone else thinks. There's all these really fun opportunities to be able to say, this is a thing I enjoy, this is a thing I don't like. And then the other person might say, hey, I'm the opposite. We are great partners. And so I do that with my husband all the time. Like something as small as like, I like doing the laundry, he likes doing the dishes. It's beautiful that we're not the same because our house is cleaner. And so understanding that our differences are what allow us to collaborate and create something bigger than both of us. That's so much more desirable than why aren't you the exact same as me and why don't you know that of course I want plans on my birthday.

I could not agree more and I think that's a perfect lead into our Pushup today, which is all about owning the responsibility to, just like you said, learn what you need and communicate what you need to a significant other. And by the way, when I say significant other, I mean any person who is significant to you, it might be a romantic partner, a friend, a close colleague, a family member, whoever you want to choose for this Pushup.

So Logan step one of this Pushup is to think of one thing that you have perhaps secretly been hoping your significant other would do or say that you've never explicitly asked for. So, maybe you wish they would give you more compliments or maybe you wish they would call you more. Maybe you wish they would notice how hard you've been working or you wish they would spend more time with your family. So for those listening in, go ahead and press pause while you think of your example, or keep listening to hear what Logan shares.

So, Logan, what will you be using for your example of something you wished your significant other would do or say that you've never asked for?

I enjoy this question because when I was reflecting on it I was like, I think I actually do this Pushup a lot. And I'm really into words of affirmation and I love having interconnected relationships with my family and friends, but I also do care a lot about being thanked and having that recognition moment. And so, one thing that I've been working on is that I am having a wedding ceremony this summer, even though I'm already married, this is our big post COVID celebration. And I've been putting a lot of work in, and I noticed that there's something about work, especially digital work, that's very invisible. And so I was feeling resentful about the amount of work I was doing even though this was more my wheelhouse and I care about it way more, but I have really gotten better at saying here's how you can help out and also asking for recognition or for him to just say, thank you about all the invisible work I was doing in the background.

I love that example because I think there are a lot of people who would sit and stew and be upset that they weren't being recognized, even though, like you said, a lot of that work can be invisible. So the person might not even know to thank you for their work or maybe they just don't know that thanking is an important thing to you, because like you said, we're all really different. So I really appreciate your willingness to just say, hey, I want you to recognize me. I want you to see me. I want you to thank me. I feel like that's very reasonable, it's a universal need and I think we don't feel like we can ask for it, but we can.

So that leads to our second step of the Pushup, which is to write out how you might ask for this significant other to meet your need. For those who want a little help, you can try using this template. You might say, hey, I'm strengthening my emotional fitness. And today I'm working on asking for what I need, instead of assuming that you already know. I've realized that I really wish you would X, but I've never even told you. So I wanted to share that the reason this is important to me is because, why. Is this something you might be willing to do? So listeners go ahead and press pause while you write out your ask.

Logan, when you did move from being resentful to asking for what you need, what did that sound like? How did you make that ask?

Yeah, so I definitely stewed and felt resentful for a long time, so this was something that I had to work on and I'm actively working on. But I think it sounded something like I spent a lot of time putting this together and so I would really appreciate if you would actually start by saying, hey, thank you for scoping this out and making the job easier for me. That's not perfect and we could workshop that more, but just something that's actually highlighting or making visible the invisible work.

So let me ask, when you said, hey, I want you to recognize the work I've done and I want you to thank me for that. The next time he says, hey Logan, thank you so much for all this work that you've done. Does it feel like you're getting what you need or does it feel like there's something that's missing because you had to ask for it?

I definitely feel like I get what I mean. I mean, I think this is one of my favorite things about my partner is that he's an extremely honest person and I don't think he's ever given me a false compliment. I know how he feels. If he reads something I've written and doesn't think it's good, he'll be like, I think it's missing the mark. And so when he says, thank you, he really means it. And even in thinking about the vows that I need to write in the next few weeks I feel like I'm going to start with that particular point, which is just dating somebody who's extremely honest takes so much anxiety out of your life because you do not question is this any sort of double speak. You're like, if you say this to me, you mean it. And so when he says, thank you, I know it's coming from a place of acknowledgement, it's not checking the box.

I love that, trusting that you're being given something because they want to give it to you. Because part of this is accepting that when you make an ask the person might say no, or they might say yes and then not do it. But making the ask is going to raise your chances of getting what you need for sure. And so the final step of this Pushup, if you're feeling courageous out there, is to actually make the ask and then to reflect on how it felt to do that and to take note of how the person responded and what came next.

So Logan, I'm curious, how did it feel to communicate your need and how did it feel to think through it today?

Yeah, it felt great. I would say it's definitely a work in progress. I think as my husband and I moved through different life stages and there's even more cognitive load and I think the effort that it goes into managing Family Inc, this is always going to be something on my mind, which is how do I do the work that I am strong at while also asking for support and not being resentful. And so I would say I'm really working on asking for what I want instead of stewing my own resentment is something that I'm consistently trying to get better at.

At. Well, I really appreciate you flexing your feels, breaking an emotional sweat with us today. And for those of you who want more of Logan, I highly recommend you tune into our Taboo Tuesday tomorrow, where we will be talking about what it means to bring the topic of mental health and therapy to the table on early dates, first dates, second dates, and what are the trials and tribulations of that? Logan, thank you so much for being here. It was an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me.

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit, hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New Pushups drop every Monday and Thursday. Did you do today's Pushup alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag emotionally fit and follow me at Dr. Emily Anhalt. Please rate, review, follow, and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts.

This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live therapist led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com to learn more and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew.