Life of a College Student: Setting Boundaries, Mental Health Tips, and Honoring Your True Self - an interview with Kyai and Angel

"True freedom is owning who you are, unfiltered, unapologetic, and fiercely confident." - Kyai

"People pleasing should not be meant for self soothing." - Angel

In this episode, Jenny puts on her previous high school English teacher hat and reconnects with her former students, Angel and Kyai, who are now navigating their senior year of college. They discuss the concept of being a people pleaser and how it’s impacted their lives as college students and as people who are neurodivergent (ADHD-focused tips included in this episode!)

Angel, who is studying psychology with a pre med concentration, shares his journey to understanding people pleasing and setting boundaries. He shares interesting facts connecting healing with brain science and how to create new habits effectively.

Kyai, a music therapy student, talks about combining her love for music and helping people, while also overcoming her own people pleasing tendencies. She shares ways that music and meditation can help foster healing within ourselves.

Their conversation delves into the challenges of breaking free from ingrained habits, the importance of self-awareness, and practical techniques for managing emotions and setting boundaries. They also talk about cultural norms and social expectations that feed the need to people please. Kyai and Angel share their unique perspective as Gen Z college students while touching on their generation’s culture of self awareness and the importance of mental health.

Resources Mentioned in the Episode:

The Psychology of Your Twenties Podcast
Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations
"Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself" - included with premium Spotfiy memberships!
Binaural beats - here's an article about them
Mel Robbins on TikTok
Follow Jenny on social media

About The Guests:

Kyai Ward

Kyai is a 21-year-old Music Therapy vocal major at Charleston Southern University. She is passionate about equality and justice, serving on the queer youth approval board for Charleston’s LGBTQ foundation, “We Are Family.” Alongside her studies, Kyai teaches piano and voice, and she will soon be completing her internship with Charleston Music Therapy LLC.

Kyai 's Facebook page, @Trippihippie405 on Instagram

Angel Rivera

Hi my name is Angel Rivera. I’m an undergraduate student at the University of South Carolina studying Psychology with a Pre-Med concentration. I indulge in my studies as I find power and solitude in knowledge. New experiences are always fulfilling and I love learning new things. Studying the patterns within the world around me helps me understand the patterns within myself.

@angelr7654 on Instagram

About The Host:

Interested in being a guest on the show? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com

Work with Jenny - Book 1:1 Reiki or psychic channeled reading sessions. Offered virtually or in person in Buffalo, NY. Jenny also offers Reiki certification classes!

Jenny: 00:00:00

Wow.

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Senior year for both of you.

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It's crazy.

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Yes.

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I can't believe all that you have both

accomplished so far and your what?

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21 years?

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That's just amazing to me.

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And as your former teacher, those

of you who are listening, you're

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like, who are these people?

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They're two amazing former students

of mine who are now off pursuing their

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dreams in college and then beyond.

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that.

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So that's A perfect time to introduce

yourselves to whoever wants to go first.

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Angel: Yeah, of course..

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My name is Angel Rivera.

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I grew up in Myrtle Beach, and

I also grew up in the Bronx.

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Right now I'm in school studying

psychology with a premed concentration

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and a minor neuroscience.

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So I'm definitely more science

busy, more medical busy.

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But that's because I want to try

to pursue a career in psychiatry.

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I went into psychology first to

learn more about Human behavior.

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And also because I feel like I had a lot

of tendencies and people pleasing and I

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feel like that was one of the reasons why

I went into psychology was to understand,

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like, why am I feeling like I need

to put other people before myself.

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That's what been going on

with while being at USC.

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And like I said, one more year and

then I'll be on to medical school.

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Jenny: That is phenomenal.

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I can't wait to hear what you have to

say about the neuroscience aspect of it.

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I love learning about the brain, so

I can't wait for you to share what

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you've learned about people from

a psychological point of view.

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Kyai: How about you?

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Kyai?

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Yeah.

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So my name is Kyai Ward.

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I'm from Conway, South Carolina, and

I go to Charleston Southern university

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and I'm studying music therapy

and yeah I've always loved music.

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since a very young age.

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And I've also just always

loved helping people.

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And so music therapy is

definitely putting that together.

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It's bringing psychology in with music and

I think it's really cool and I love it.

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Jenny: It's amazing how you

both found perfect fits.

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Angel: I love the fact that Kyai is

going through that field, because it also

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combines a little bit of like somewhat

what I'm doing, because I did a lot

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of clinicals at a medical facility,

I did see a lot of music therapists

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go in there and, help treat patients.

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For example, I saw a woman that came in

with a harp, and she was going to help a

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patient that I was dealing with leukemia.

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That was just very sweet and wholesome.

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And I'm just like, oh man, that's

something that Kyai is going to be doing,

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is going into certain facilities and stuff

and providing that type of treatment.

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And I love it.

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It's amazing.

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Jenny: I love the fact that

you're both willing to be

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vulnerable and talk about this.

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I can't wait to learn your point of

view, being from a different generation.

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of a generation that grew up fully

on technology, which I think has just

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changed how we socialize in general.

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So I'm dying to hear not only

your experiences about people

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pleasing, but even how you define

it, how it shows up in your life.

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So I guess we could

start at the beginning.

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when did you realize that

you were a people pleaser?

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Angel: I feel like that's very difficult.

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I would say middle of high

school, whenever TikTok was

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starting to become a big thing.

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TikTok became such a good a media hub for

different types of content and different

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types of certain behaviors that can

be matched up to like people pleasing.

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So I would see funny little,

skits of people pleasing behaviors.

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And I feel like some basic ones

are, just not knowing how to

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say no whenever somebody might

ask for something from you.

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I might ask Hey, could you come

to eat dinner with me on this time?

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And you might have a conflict, but you

want to put that person's feelings first.

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And it might be putting a

funny skit in TikTok, but that

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was something I related to.

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So that was one way that

I really figured it out.

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Jenny: Oh, wow.

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To think that someone was just creating

this little creative video project

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and it literally woke something up in

you and literally changed your life.

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Angel: Like a whole spiral.

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I

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Kyai: guess for me, now that I

think about it, I really think

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I've always been a people pleaser.

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And I think it stemmed from, me being

younger, wanting to be liked by people.

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I have ADHD.

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I'm on the neurodivergent side.

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I didn't have too many friends.

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I was always seen as like

the weird, crazy person.

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It was high energy and always.

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So I think it really stemmed from

wanting to have friends and wanting

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people to accept me for my little

quirky or crazy personality.

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I guess from grade school is

when I started people pleasing

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wanting to be friends with

people and wanting to be liked.

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Angel: Yeah.

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I have a question though, like, when

did you start to recognize those

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behaviors as something that's oh

that can be seen as people pleasing?

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Kyai: Probably, okay, I would say probably

really recently, because I don't think

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I recognize how much of a people pleaser

I am until I'm like, people ask me to

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go somewhere and I'm like, Oh yeah,

I'll go, just to make them happy, but I

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don't want to go, or I don't want to do

it, or, I don't want to consent to this

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or that, or, and it's you really just,

Have to be in charge of your own mind.

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I didn't realize that I wasn't

in charge of my own mind until

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probably a couple of months ago.

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Angel helps me all the time with this.

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I asked him, like, am I

doing this because I want

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to do it or am I doing this?

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And he's babes you're doing

that for the other person.

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Like, Do you really want to do this?

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And I'm like, no.

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So it really takes a lot of thinking.

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I'm like, okay.

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Do I want to do this?

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Or do I want to just

make this person happy?

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I need to put myself first, and

I need to do what I want to do.

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Angel: I feel like it is a habit that

was ingrained, because the only reason

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why I asked like when you recognized

it, was because I feel like it was a

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habit that was instilled with me for

so long even since I was a child, and

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that was just due to the environment

that I was put in, where I felt like

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I needed to people please in order

to have that sense of security.

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With also having ADHD, I feel like

my sense of rejection was so high,

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that I didn't want to be rejected

by other people, and that would

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make it Nobody understood why.

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They were like, why are you so upset if

this group of people doesn't like you?

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And I would just be like,

that's just how I feel.

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I would go far beyond my reaches

and try to help out another person.

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which means even putting on my own needs

first to have that validation and to have

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that sense of security within myself.

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But I know that for other people, it can

be very difficult to have that balance.

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in general, because when you do

get that approval, it just fires

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up those receptors in your brain

of let me keep on doing this.

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It's a good reward.

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If I keep on continuing with this

behavior, then I should be in the clear.

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But really you should want to have

those receptors fire for yourself.

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Kyai: Exactly.

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Angel: Yeah.

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Kyai: Or it's people will like me.

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I want to do this more.

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It's the feeling, but I've noticed

that I feel so much better when

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I just do what I want to do.

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I feel strong.

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I feel powerful.

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I am making my own decision.

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I have so much power, it's crazy.

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And I'm speaking like this because

I've literally just had a whole

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recovery moment from people pleasing.

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It was definitely ingrained in

me for a long time, I will say.

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I was

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Angel: say, Miss Leckey, have

you ever had experiences where

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you've had people pleasing issues?

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Jenny: Oh, yeah.

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I actually just talked about

this in another episode

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that I was such a good girl.

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I was such a good student,

such a good employee.

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Keep the peace.

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You don't rock the boat.

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Some of it is my personality,

but some of it is people pleasing

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in that I was avoiding conflict.

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I didn't want to rock the boat.

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I just wanted to please, whoever

it is, my boss, my parent,

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the teacher, whoever it was.

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How self aware you are right now- I

was not that self aware at your age.

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This is amazing.

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I've just seen such a shift,

even in my decade of teaching.

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I saw such a shift of self awareness.

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I remember, discussions with my students

in the first year versus the last one.

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I think we were studying to kill a

mockingbird and I was sitting around in

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a circle discussing it and the students

took over And they got talking about

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their personal biases and they were

saying, Oh no, that's just my ego talking.

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That's not truly how I feel.

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That's just, shading my perspective

and I'm what's going on.

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This is amazing.

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I know people in their sixties and

seventies don't even know what the ego is.

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So the fact that you all are so self

aware and you're reflecting on what you're

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doing and why you're doing it is amazing.

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Angel: I feel like that's such a

good thing with our generation.

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I feel like that's one thing

that we're so good at, is able

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to self reflect and self identify.

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Oh, like maybe look at it through this

perspective because of the life experience

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that we've had, and that might not amount

to somebody else's life experience.

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And that goes the same

way for people pleasing.

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Not all people pleasing is the

exact same, because I feel like each

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person has different experiences

that shape that to a certain degree.

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We are good in that sense that we're able

to identify those behaviors and ourselves.

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Yes.

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I think it's also an issue because a

lot of my friends who go to therapy and

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stuff the therapist always tells them

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it's hard to even treat people who

are in our generation because we're

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so self aware that it's like, why

don't we try to help ourselves?

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But it can become a self fulfilling

prophecy of just trying to.

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Help ourselves and understand ourselves,

but at the same time wrapping up into

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those same habits again and again.

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Jenny: Yes, the same thing with

my generation because we were the

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first ones to really normalize

taking care of your mental health.

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I feel like we're the therapy crusaders.

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With that, I was just watching

this video and I felt so seen about

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being an over intellectualizer.

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Everything we were just talking about,

understanding how we feel and why we feel

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it, is intellectualizing people pleasing.

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But I think it perpetuates

still, because The only way to

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heal people pleasing is to feel.

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You can't think your way out of

people pleasing, and that's why I

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love the phrase, Tolerate the tension.

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Can I tolerate the tension

of saying no to someone?

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If I can't tolerate that tension, I'm

never going to stop people pleasing.

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I'm just not.

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Angel: Yeah, it's getting used to that

feeling, almost like that guilty feeling,

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but it's almost an automatic response.

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And you are right, learning to

sit with that feeling and knowing

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that's okay, and knowing that

it's not the end of the world.

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The person's not gonna think that

you're a malicious person who's

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trying to scheme against them.

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Kyai: If they do think that,

then they're not your people.

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Because if you just boundaries down to

say, hey, this is not what I want to

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do, this is actually what I want to do.

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If they really are upset about

that or they get offended, then

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maybe they're not your people.

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They should respect boundaries.

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Jenny: It's true, and they should

have your well being at heart.

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So if you're having to cancel

plans, even just simply because

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I just don't have it in me.

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If they care about you, they should

want your well being to come first.

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Kyai: That's also true.

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I was like To say It also feels so

good to say no Sometimes I'm like,

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especially for me cause I'm just

learning that I can actually say no,

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Jenny: no, no, no, no.

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Angel: At first I wasn't comfortable with

it, but now I feel like the idea of owing

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somebody an explanation is null and void.

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You don't owe anybody an explanation.

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If you don't want to go to an event,

or you don't want to do something

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because you don't feel comfortable.

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You don't owe anybody an explanation.

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learning to be okay with that and just

saying no because you personally want to

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put that boundary down is so impactful.

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I try to do this like building

up day to day habits in life.

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I just try to be as honest as I can with

how I'm feeling and communicate that

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because if you don't communicate it,

then how is somebody going to realize

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that you don't want to go to that.

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Sometimes it is exhausting to

have to share your true feelings.

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Where I feel like self

pleasing is the easy way to go.

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Where you're just like, you know what,

I don't want to have to deal with it.

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Let me just say yes and let me do it.

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At first it was a lot of energy,

but now it's not a lot of energy

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because I've learned to take that

reaction and feeling and mitigate it.

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Because I'm realizing that it's

for me and it's for myself.

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So how

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Jenny: did you do that?

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Do you have a technique or strategy

that's helped you process those

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emotions when they come up?

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What's something that people

can start doing when they

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feel that tension or guilt?

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Angel: What I mainly do is one, I

either distract myself where might

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send a text message or I might,

send out an email, letting somebody

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know and then I immediately.

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Work on a puzzle or something, or

play Sudoku, or play, a small game to

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distract my brain from those feelings,

but I feel like the better strategy

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that I've learned to take on now is

to sit with that feeling, understand

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it, process it, and try to calm myself

down from that initial response.

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Deep breathing techniques, count down,

one, two, three, four, holding my breath,

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and then one, two, three, four, out.

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And then I do that for a

good 30 seconds to a minute.

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I also do journaling afterward

throughout the day, to clear out those

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feelings out on paper, to say, you

know, I did, I did feel uncomfortable,

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but I did do these techniques, and

this is how I felt after I did it.

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Kyai: Yeah.

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Okay.

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What else did you do?

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I definitely would say journaling

too, and just trying to be more

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self aware of like when I'm

wanting to please someone like me.

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There's patterns with me.

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I've noticed that I'll even people

please when it comes to Oh, what

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restaurant or what food do you want?

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And it's wait, but I already

have an idea of what I want.

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Why don't I just tell them.

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Or it'll be like, they

have a restaurant in mind.

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They'll tell me and I really don't

want to go there, but I'm just

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like, okay, let's just do that.

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It starts with little things like that.

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Angel's actually really

helped me with this.

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I'll bring it back to him again.

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He's super honest with me all the time.

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I'm trying to be like that.

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I'm like, do I want this?

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No, I actually like this.

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even if something's not funny.

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I used to laugh at jokes that

I didn't think were funny.

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When someone says something that's

wrong or out of pocket and I don't

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have the courage to speak up or

speak my mind about something.

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I just want to keep the peace yes,

in some situations it's not worth the

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battle, but if they feel free enough

and comfortable and confident to speak

288

: 00:12:38

their mind, then who says I shouldn't.

289

: 00:12:40

Jenny: I don't know if you had this

experience as you started shifting

290

: 00:12:44

your behaviors since you're not so well

practiced at it I found myself like word

291

: 00:12:50

vomiting stuff out, or sometimes maybe my

292

: 00:12:55

boundary setting would be a

little more harsh than necessary,

293

: 00:12:58

just because I had to get it out

and I didn't know what to say.

294

: 00:13:01

So I was just like, No,

I don't want to arm.

295

: 00:13:03

Did you have that happen?

296

: 00:13:07

Angel: Yes, I would say all the time,

like, whenever I was first, because

297

: 00:13:10

I wasn't gonna say I had to build my

confidence pretty young, because I

298

: 00:13:13

came out during like middle school,

as gay, as like men, and then now going

299

: 00:13:18

into that I had to really know myself.

300

: 00:13:21

So then people could try to

put those labels onto me.

301

: 00:13:24

It was from a very young age and

getting to middle school, people would

302

: 00:13:28

be like, oh you're this and you're

that, because of this certain label.

303

: 00:13:31

At first I would take it because again, I

had those old people phasing tendencies

304

: 00:13:35

where I would be like, Oh, yes, sure,

just shrug it off and would ignore it.

305

: 00:13:39

But then as I became older, I was like,

no, I need to be more self assured and

306

: 00:13:42

let people know who I am and what I

identify as and who is me as a person

307

: 00:13:47

and what I do and what I don't like.

308

: 00:13:49

And at first, it did

come up as word vomit.

309

: 00:13:51

Or I would say oh no, cut people

off or if I disagreed with them or

310

: 00:13:55

I didn't want to be around their

energy, I would just not talk to them.

311

: 00:13:58

And that's not healthy either.

312

: 00:14:00

Completely shutting them out isn't

a way that you should do it either.

313

: 00:14:03

Just shutting somebody out

because of a boundary that they

314

: 00:14:05

didn't maybe know about from you.

315

: 00:14:07

That should be your responsibility.

316

: 00:14:08

How are they going to know

if you don't express that.

317

: 00:14:10

Learning to build that communication and

setting that boundary does take trial

318

: 00:14:13

and error, but After a couple years of

practicing that the best way I can and

319

: 00:14:17

learning for myself and learning from my

reactions I was able to go from Being

320

: 00:14:21

more shy and timid to like I know I am

and I am confident in it and you should

321

: 00:14:25

be able to Accept a yes or no for me.

322

: 00:14:27

Kyai: And then you have the people that

are used to you just people pleasing

323

: 00:14:31

then when you finally come out and

you're like, I'm setting my boundaries.

324

: 00:14:35

They get upset and they try to be like,

325

: 00:14:37

Angel: Oh, we never did this before.

326

: 00:14:39

And that's we're doing it now

327

: 00:14:40

Kyai: because it's I've never

slept with Andres before.

328

: 00:14:42

You're right.

329

: 00:14:42

Jenny: You're not playing the role

in their life that you used to.

330

: 00:14:46

And it rocks their world a little bit.

331

: 00:14:48

Angel: if people like that are upset

by those tendencies being taken away,

332

: 00:14:52

then it shows that they were using

those tendencies for their advantage.

333

: 00:14:56

A friendship should never be

something that, I'm always going

334

: 00:14:58

to expect this person to say yes, so

I'm just always going to ask them.

335

: 00:15:01

Kyai: Yeah and that could

be for any relationship.

336

: 00:15:03

Doesn't have to just be friends.

337

: 00:15:04

Family dating.

338

: 00:15:06

That could go for anything, I feel.

339

: 00:15:08

Angel: It's good to have mentors that

are in your corner and on your side,

340

: 00:15:11

that can look at these situations

from an outside point of view.

341

: 00:15:14

To see how they would have addressed

the situation, and how it could be, more

342

: 00:15:17

beneficial to me or less beneficial.

343

: 00:15:19

Jenny: That's a good point because

sometimes our emotions cloud our judgment.

344

: 00:15:24

Especially when you're doing something

so vulnerable like saying no to someone.

345

: 00:15:28

It helps to get someone else's

perspective and that helps you

346

: 00:15:31

see the bigger perspective.

347

: 00:15:33

Angel: That's why I love making

those connections, different people.

348

: 00:15:36

Because it's different ways

I can look at situations.

349

: 00:15:38

Obviously you shouldn't go for

your friends for every situation.

350

: 00:15:40

Try to build that inner guidance and

that inner self once you do that trial

351

: 00:15:43

and error of setting those boundaries.

352

: 00:15:45

But in the process of doing that, asking

for help and guidance is definitely

353

: 00:15:49

nothing you should , away from

354

: 00:15:50

.

Kyai: It's like you go to different people.

355

: 00:15:52

I would tell you, I only go to two people

that I trust with situations like that.

356

: 00:15:57

And that's Angel and , one of

my other best friends, Brooklyn.

357

: 00:16:01

And, I'll ask them, Hey,

is this the right thing?

358

: 00:16:03

and I'll get both perspectives because

usually I'll have different perspectives

359

: 00:16:06

for each of them, like angels, usually

the more cutthroat no, this is wrong.

360

: 00:16:11

Like, because I can be too

nice, and I need that sometime.

361

: 00:16:15

And then Brooklyn's okay, wait,

let's see from their point of view.

362

: 00:16:17

And so it's you have both of them.

363

: 00:16:20

Then I'll just meet in the middle and

make my decision of what I want to

364

: 00:16:22

do or how I want to take a situation.

365

: 00:16:24

Angel: I will say, I think that

Kyaia is always just saying that more

366

: 00:16:26

cutthroat only because I think another

thing with people pleasing is I've

367

: 00:16:29

learned to stop myself whenever I've

known that there is no way that they

368

: 00:16:34

can understand my perspective and

what I'm trying to share with them.

369

: 00:16:37

For example, once you set a boundary,

if that person doesn't want to respect

370

: 00:16:40

that, then you can try explaining to

them a different way, to understand

371

: 00:16:44

where you're coming from, but at

the end of the day, if they are not

372

: 00:16:47

getting the boundaries that you're

setting, then there is no point in

373

: 00:16:50

continuing with that relationship any

further, at least in my personal opinion.

374

: 00:16:54

Kyai: I can't agree with that more

because I've recently been distancing

375

: 00:16:59

myself from people too, that don't

feel aligned with me anymore

376

: 00:17:02

because I'm figuring out myself.

377

: 00:17:04

I'm becoming okay.

378

: 00:17:05

You know, with what I believe in,

who I am and when you find your

379

: 00:17:08

people it's almost like a new birth.

380

: 00:17:10

You find your people, and you feel

like, what did you do without them?

381

: 00:17:14

As opposed to the people that,

you backwards in a lot of ways.

382

: 00:17:18

You know what I mean?

383

: 00:17:19

And so, yeah it's definitely

a good feeling when you

384

: 00:17:21

find your group of people.

385

: 00:17:22

And you find who you are when

you're around those people.

386

: 00:17:26

Because you can be who you are, Exactly.

387

: 00:17:28

Jenny: I wanted to ask you both, do

you all have any specific moments or

388

: 00:17:33

memories or experiences where you were

first trying out setting boundaries

389

: 00:17:37

and stopping the people pleasing?

390

: 00:17:39

Angel: More recently I did have a

situation where this is a good moment

391

: 00:17:42

for me I set a boundary and I was

really proud of myself because I

392

: 00:17:45

feel like this is something that I

might have overlooked in the past.

393

: 00:17:48

So recently I was in a previous

relationship and There was just

394

: 00:17:52

something that they did that I didn't

feel personally comfortable with.

395

: 00:17:55

Usually, in that instance, I would have

ignored it, and I would have not said

396

: 00:17:58

anything to them, I would have, been

like, oh, no, it's fine, but I really

397

: 00:18:01

didn't feel comfortable with that.

398

: 00:18:02

We were in a closed space, and they were

being a little too affectionate to me,

399

: 00:18:06

and I didn't really appreciate that.

400

: 00:18:07

I decided to let him know the next day,

that I didn't feel comfortable with that.

401

: 00:18:11

Had to set that foot down.

402

: 00:18:12

And unfortunately he didn't,

understand that boundary.

403

: 00:18:14

So I tried telling him a different way.

404

: 00:18:17

That was something that I was

really proud of that I did put my

405

: 00:18:19

foot down and say you know what?

406

: 00:18:20

I don't feel comfortable with this

and I don't want this to occur again.

407

: 00:18:22

And how was he going to

know unless I tell him?

408

: 00:18:24

I was able to tell him.

409

: 00:18:25

Now it's a lot better between us.

410

: 00:18:27

Good for you.

411

: 00:18:28

That's huge.

412

: 00:18:29

That was a recent success that's really

good progress that I was able to make

413

: 00:18:33

compared to maybe how I would be a couple

of years ago with certain relationships

414

: 00:18:36

where I wouldn't say anything because I

wanted to keep that person in good graces.

415

: 00:18:40

Jenny: Good for you for speaking up

because if you hadn't, that would

416

: 00:18:43

have just built and built probably

would have happened again and again.

417

: 00:18:45

And then anger and resentment

would have built up and then.

418

: 00:18:49

Angel: Yep.

419

: 00:18:49

I could have built this all up and could

have freaking exploded on him one day.

420

: 00:18:52

And he would have been like

where is this coming from?

421

: 00:18:54

But instead I took that feeling and I

was like, at least it's going to hurt

422

: 00:18:57

now, but it's not going to hurt as much

as if I keep it in and save it for later.

423

: 00:19:00

Jenny: Amazing.

424

: 00:19:01

Angel: Let's get out of the way and rip

425

: 00:19:03

Jenny: the Band Aid off.

426

: 00:19:04

Yeah,

427

: 00:19:05

Kyai: how

428

: 00:19:06

Jenny: about you?

429

: 00:19:08

Kyai: Yeah, so this was

actually really recent.

430

: 00:19:11

This was a success.

431

: 00:19:13

I'm a part of an organization that I don't

really feel is aligning with me anymore.

432

: 00:19:18

they have shows all the time and they

asked me to do a gig and I would have

433

: 00:19:22

said yes, but I have a concert with my

choir the day before and the day after.

434

: 00:19:26

It's a lot.

435

: 00:19:27

And also, it takes a lot of

energy working with people there.

436

: 00:19:32

And I really had to Put my foot down.

437

: 00:19:34

I even went to Angel.

438

: 00:19:35

I was like, are they going to not like

me if there's this, that, and the third?

439

: 00:19:39

Are they ever going to

ask me to do this again?

440

: 00:19:40

And I was just like, I have

to do what's best for me.

441

: 00:19:44

I'm in school, this is not a priority

for me, and after I said, no, I felt

442

: 00:19:49

a weight, just come off my shoulders

because all my energy was so worked

443

: 00:19:55

up about what am I going to say?

444

: 00:19:57

How am I going to say this?

445

: 00:19:58

how am I going to work around this?

446

: 00:19:59

How am I going to, work it out?

447

: 00:20:01

if I'm not able to do

something, I can't do it.

448

: 00:20:04

I can't do everything.

449

: 00:20:06

It made me much less stressed

about everything when I was

450

: 00:20:10

able to just say I couldn't.

451

: 00:20:13

How did they respond?

452

: 00:20:14

And they didn't even respond bad.

453

: 00:20:16

That is really what taught me to

not put so much energy into worry

454

: 00:20:21

and, into working up about how am I

going to people please the situation?

455

: 00:20:25

No, be honest.

456

: 00:20:26

You don't even know the outcome of

what, is going to come out of it.

457

: 00:20:29

Just be honest.

458

: 00:20:30

And so that moment has

really helped me even more.

459

: 00:20:34

I think a big milestone in recovery

for me and people pleasing and learning

460

: 00:20:38

how to put that boundary and say no,

especially when I know that I'm going

461

: 00:20:42

to be overwhelmed, and not even just

that, but if I don't want to do it.

462

: 00:20:45

I don't have to do it.

463

: 00:20:46

Jenny: Good for you.

464

: 00:20:47

and not being consumed by the stories

that our brains like to tell us.

465

: 00:20:52

Yeah.

466

: 00:20:52

Our brains are very creative and

really like to create that narrative

467

: 00:20:56

of how angry the person's going to be.

468

: 00:20:59

Exactly.

469

: 00:21:00

With all of that said, You're

both at a little bit different

470

: 00:21:04

phases in your recovery.

471

: 00:21:06

Do you have any daily habits that

you put in place to help you?

472

: 00:21:12

Kyai: Yes, I'll definitely say journaling

has been a really big thing for me.

473

: 00:21:18

Journaling at the end of my day,

even if it's not a day that I had

474

: 00:21:22

to put my foot down or anything.

475

: 00:21:23

Just letting my thoughts go

on paper helps me process.

476

: 00:21:28

I also really enjoy meditating

when I can find the time to do it.

477

: 00:21:33

I really enjoy clearing my head.

478

: 00:21:34

What kind of meditation do you like to do?

479

: 00:21:37

Not really guided.

480

: 00:21:38

I've done guided before.

481

: 00:21:39

I kind of like to just put on Some

meditation music on my TV or like

482

: 00:21:43

beach sounds or stuff like that.

483

: 00:21:45

And then I'll sit on my

carpet and clear my mind.

484

: 00:21:48

When I meditate, I don't

want to think about anything.

485

: 00:21:50

I just want to be in the moment and not

think I feel like, especially as a person

486

: 00:21:55

with ADHD, my brain is always somewhere.

487

: 00:21:57

And sometimes it's, it makes

it very difficult to even

488

: 00:22:00

meditate because of that.

489

: 00:22:02

So I think just clearing my mind,

how hard it may be anyway, I try

490

: 00:22:07

to think of a safe, happy place.

491

: 00:22:10

If my thoughts kind of wander,

I try not to be hard on myself.

492

: 00:22:13

I just try and be graceful and trail my

brain back to where it's supposed to be.

493

: 00:22:17

Cause I feel like if I'm hard on

myself, while I'm thinking I'm,

494

: 00:22:19

I'm just going to get frustrated.

495

: 00:22:21

Let me just put myself back

where I was and I'll continue

496

: 00:22:24

our, you know what I mean?

497

: 00:22:25

Nice.

498

: 00:22:26

I

499

: 00:22:26

Jenny: love that.

500

: 00:22:27

What kind of journaling do you, are you

just like brain dumping kind of thing or?

501

: 00:22:32

Yes, definitely

502

: 00:22:33

Kyai: brain dumping.

503

: 00:22:34

For my whole day, what I do I just.

504

: 00:22:37

Start from the beginning of my day and

journal about everything I've done,

505

: 00:22:40

how I thought about certain situations.

506

: 00:22:41

I felt a certain way, whether

it be negative or positive, just

507

: 00:22:44

getting it all out, helps to

process every event of my day.

508

: 00:22:48

It's really been very helpful.

509

: 00:22:50

Jenny: Thank you for sharing that.

510

: 00:22:51

I'm sure that'll help

someone who's listening.

511

: 00:22:53

Kyai: Yes.

512

: 00:22:54

And one more thing.

513

: 00:22:55

There's a podcast, the psychology of your

twenties, another really good podcast.

514

: 00:23:00

And it goes into all kinds of mental

health issues with your twenties

515

: 00:23:03

and just for the younger crowd.

516

: 00:23:05

Like if, That has really helped me too.

517

: 00:23:07

it just helps in validating how I feel

and yeah, I definitely recommend that.

518

: 00:23:12

Jenny: Okay.

519

: 00:23:13

I'll tag them in the show notes.

520

: 00:23:14

Angel: Love that.

521

: 00:23:15

I was going to say definitely take

out one of those habits, which is

522

: 00:23:17

journaling, because I love to journal.

523

: 00:23:19

That mainly helps what I have

in my brain throughout the day.

524

: 00:23:23

And I put it into very short

sentences because I cannot

525

: 00:23:27

focus for long journaling.

526

: 00:23:28

I always thought journaling had to be,

like, oh my god a whole entire page of

527

: 00:23:31

what your day was and blah, blah, blah.

528

: 00:23:33

I avoided journaling for so long.

529

: 00:23:35

I thought I had to do this big monologue.

530

: 00:23:37

No, you don't have to.

531

: 00:23:38

You can do a couple

sentences about your day.

532

: 00:23:40

You can do a couple keywords and feelings.

533

: 00:23:43

I'm more of a bullet list person.

534

: 00:23:44

I just jot it down how I'm feeling.

535

: 00:23:46

Even sometimes like draw out certain

images that make me feel a certain way.

536

: 00:23:50

Almost like how I'm feeling inside.

537

: 00:23:52

Also I listen to binarial beats.

538

: 00:23:54

Sometimes that helps me out.

539

: 00:23:56

I love binarial beats.

540

: 00:23:57

And there's actually been studies

that have shown that it helps with

541

: 00:23:59

neural connectivity and neural

synergy and helps with certain brain

542

: 00:24:03

states and certain brain waves.

543

: 00:24:05

Jenny: Can you explain to

everyone what they are?

544

: 00:24:08

Angel: Binaural bass is almost

like you have two different

545

: 00:24:09

frequencies in each ear.

546

: 00:24:11

So for example, one headphone would have

a six hertz and another headphone would

547

: 00:24:14

have ten hertz to get you into a lower

hertz frequency, which is mainly used for

548

: 00:24:19

more sedative types of brain function.

549

: 00:24:22

So for example, when you're going to

bed, you might put lower frequencies

550

: 00:24:25

because those are lower vibrations

in your brain and that's how

551

: 00:24:27

they can connect with each other.

552

: 00:24:29

When you're sleeping, whenever you're on

more high alert, you might hit like the

553

: 00:24:32

five hundreds or a thousand frequencies.

554

: 00:24:35

And you can find a bunch

of them on YouTube.

555

: 00:24:37

On Spotify.

556

: 00:24:38

There's actually playlist I use

for people who have ADHD that

557

: 00:24:41

specialize in high frequency sounds.

558

: 00:24:43

I use it all the time to help

me focus on my different studies.

559

: 00:24:47

it also helps me calm down on

certain tasks and behaviors and

560

: 00:24:50

helps me build certain habits up.

561

: 00:24:52

Jenny: Perfect.

562

: 00:24:53

that sense sometimes.

563

: 00:24:54

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