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Breathing Fire into Long-term Marriage
Episode 317th November 2023 • Our Marriage Rocks • LeBrian and Shennice Cleckley
00:00:00 00:29:18

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Hello, this is Shennice and LeBrian Cleckley from the Our Marriage Rocks Podcast. In this episode, 'Breathing Fire into Long-term Marriage,' we discuss the importance of building emotional, spiritual, and physical bonds in a marriage. We shard some spicy tips to ignite your bedroom life, laughed a bit about ancient terminologies, and dived into the pressing reasons why romance seems to fade over time. We also introduced the communication tool 'FANOS' to help manage feelings, affirmations, needs, ownership, and struggles. Remember, keeping the flame alive is all about nurturing connections and prioritizing quality time together. Join us as we continue to explore love, life, and the ties that bind. Subscribe, share and leave us a review!

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Yes. So as he used to do so which I may not know is my husband is actually a licensed minister. And when he would get up into the pulpit, he would say stuff like, she is the peanut butter to my jelly, the macaroni to my cheese. The what else I mean all those crazy sayings that he would say just things to lighten the mood in Church [00:01:00] to try to bring some levity into a situation.

That wasn't always Geared toward fun. Yes, so in that my macaroni put us out of church One thing leads to another, we probably need to do a podcast about faith and, and spirituality within marriage and how that works. That's fair. That's a good idea. Yeah. We'll, we'll, we'll start working on that show, but this time we're going to talk about the romance and why it is important to maintain romance in a longterm relationship.

We've got, oh, I don't know [:

That come out of movies every year and talk about all the things that people do to show their love to the person they love to run after or chase the one that they love and, and the end of the movie is you catch the girl. And you get married and then you ride off into the sunset. And we don't have a lot of movies about what happens after you ride off into the sunset, because for the moment, the sun's going to rise again the next day.

marriage. One is routine and [:

So over time couples just kind of fall into a routine. They like do it. On one day and then you got chores to do and kids to raise and it becomes a cycle and this routine can just make it not exciting anymore. Got to wash the clothes, got to take the baby to school, got to do this, got to do that. Yes, but to play devil's advocate that those things do need to get done and schedules.

Make it easier for those things to get done more importantly. They make sure that those things actually happen and Yeah, but it becomes a challenge when you want woo woo butterfly sometimes sure sometimes you can do that, but Sometimes life's not gonna let you to have a spontaneous moment That's true.

ugh this point in life where [:

You get into talking about the kids. So you forget to talk about each other. Because. At the end of the day, you're still that couple that got married, whether it's with kids or without kids, whether you had kids before, you're still a man and a woman, or, or for us, a man and a woman. When you get married, you're still two individual people who have needs and who have a way that you need to truly connect with each other.

No, this one, I agree with that. Whereas the first one, like I said, Life is going to get in the way no matter what you do when it comes to communication. Yeah, this is your responsibility you have to Make sure that that line stays open, that that moment to connect stays open. And then neglecting self care.

A lot of [:

But it's also what feeds you. What fills you up? Is it reading a book that you wanna do maybe 30 minutes uninterrupted time? Or like you like to go on the back porch sometimes and chill out, get you a cigar, watch you a movie or something, listen to some music. Sure. And the key to that is recognizing that is the key to that is to recognize that your spouse is an individual.

each other room to do that. [:

We don't, who cares? I mean, yeah, we don't do it. I love him. He ain't going nowhere. She ain't going nowhere, but it really is important to have physical and emotional intimacy. It is. And you don't want to fall into that trap to the point where you say, well, I already know what he likes. I don't, I don't know what she likes.

And I don't want a, we're good. We don't need to do anything extra that, that you're not living. You're not. And that's the trick of the enemy. The enemy wants, and, and. Again, I'm bringing a spiritual side into it, but I think that's what the enemy wants. He wants to lull you to sleep in your marriage. That's a good, I like that.

se you don't miss something. [:

But more importantly, you might miss something about your spouse. That's that's exciting or that that can make a difference or can make me make you change the page and you don't get married to be single, you know, you really don't you get married to share your life and do things with the person that person stimulates you physically, mentally, spiritually.

So therefore you are connected. So with intimacy and emotional intimacy. Some of the important reasons why is it strengthens your bond. It deepens that connection between the partner. It enhances your communication. That's another one. It helps you fulfill emotional needs. We are human people, human people.

uman people. I'm just human. [:

I kind of deal with this, with emotional validation. I needed LeBron. To validate certain emotions that I was having, not saying that I wasn't self confident and not saying that I couldn't just depend on the Lord because I do, but I needed my person to validate my feelings so that I can feel that I'm not in it by myself.

me with that. Right. And it [:

On the flip side, I had to be comfortable enough to accept that and listen to what she was saying and accept that challenge to provide that for her. So, it's... It seems like a lot of work and a lot of the things we're going to talk about because we're going to talk about a lot of things today. And if you look at them individually, it's really freezing, man.

e for your, your spouse, for [:

And I don't believe that's true. I just think that we've set it up where men don't feel safe enough to have that conversation and know that you still see them as being strong. Cause I see you, Brian, as being strong. When you tell, when you tell me your feelings, when you discuss your vault, when you become vulnerable with me, I feel that as a strength.

stage. He's young guys. He's [:

Nevertheless. But these, these young cats out here, these, these younger, these younger guys, they're beginning to get that and they're getting it, getting it a lot earlier. Yeah. I'm really excited because I see a lot of movements on social media and, and really out in the world. We're like I said, younger guys are becoming more or more willing to be vulnerable or more willing to communicate how they're feeling or are more involved with their growth and their maturity.

hey're interested, if it's a [:

Until she gets a B and C, these guys just come in here and they've got this stuff and you're like, Oh, what do I do now? Not ready for what you prayed for. And the same thing goes for a man. Yeah. So not ready for what you prayed for. Watch what you pray for. So a couple other things that are old man, that was old man, but that's okay.

This is an old man topic. So another reason why it's important to have physical and Emotional intimacy isn't reinforced, reinforces trust, sustaining the passion. It's a stress reliever. Oh man. If when I get, why are you laughing? I'm just listening to you. What did, what were you thinking when I wasn't thinking anything.

funny lady. Oh, whatever. So [:

And I hope I do the same for you. It is. And it's different. And again, no, no shade to my single folks at all. I, you know, you, you live in a blessed life. I wish you the best for me. That stress reduction is better being married. Let's put it that way. It's, it's, it's just better. You want to do reduce some stress tonight?

can see it too. They see you [:

And that leaves us with long term satisfaction. So it is great to do that. And what we talked about in episode one with connection time, that connection time truly does help you have quality time together intimately. And there's a difference now between intimacy and sex. Let's be clear. Intimacy is that connection.

at we use with our therapist [:

Communication. Open our lines of communication. Open our lines of communication is something called FANOS. It is F A N O S. And the acronyms stand for feeling, affirmations, needs, Ownerships and struggles. This is taken from the sobriety and the recovery world, but it is definitely used when you're talking about marriage and relationship.

So you want to tell them about Thanos? Sure. Like I said, it stands for feelings, affirmations, needs, ownership and struggle. So, usually what you'll do is you try to carve out just a few minutes, um, just to get a place where everybody feels comfortable and you'll start out with, with feelings. The first one F is for feelings.

ou share with your partner a [:

So you might say, well, At this moment and do it at this moment. If you wanna go back to how you were feeling earlier in, earlier in the day, or early or late last night, or whatever the time is, that's fine. But I always try to stay in the moment and say, at this moment I'm feeling. Tired or I'm feeling I'm feeling uneasy.

took the trash out without me[:

That's me audibly rolling my eyes. There's a theme here. Do you feel the theme N is for needs. You state what you need today. Now, this is not something necessarily that one of your partner must fulfill that need, but it may be a need. I need a job. I need this. But you're expressing that need immediately.

Right? And and to piggyback on that. Understand the other person expresses needs just like she says, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're looking for you to fulfill that need as much as as much as I'd like to say that I, that I can do everything that needs for from me. I can't, there's just some things that I'm not capable of doing and some things I don't, I don't necessarily want to do.

But that, that you can still [:

This is something that's neat about how ownership means taking responsibility. It means sometimes apologizing for something that you have done. Now there may be times that may have done or said. There may be times where you're sitting there and we know what I hadn't done anything wrong. That's okay. But take ownership for what you have done and maybe you did something right.

sponded to your child better.[:

And you have to be specific. You don't have to be, you know, graphic with it, but be very specific. I'm struggling with. The need to do X, Y, Z, or it could be something general, just something that you were struggling with that they may or may not be able to help you with. Cause understand your spouses, there is a compliment to you.

s. Keeps them in the loop of [:

And again, is F a N O S make sure you look in the show notes. Cause it will be in the show notes of what Fano stands for. And again, it's, it's. Like, like she said, not for them to solve all your problems, but to know what your problems are. So that again, the two of you now are thinking about this, not obsessing, but it's just crossing your mind during the day.

You may see something that might help out. You may see something that you could suggest to your spouse. And I'll also say this. This is just a tool. I had a good friend that taught me from again from a spiritual standpoint. I had a good friend that taught me about talking to God. We look at prayer and you hear the word prayer and there's so many, it's such a heavy word and it means a lot of things and there's all these different people.

ation with God. And what she [:

So when I wake up in the morning, I remind myself, okay, God. What am I going to wear today? And I said, God, what do you want? And then I, I might say, what about wearing this, this red tie? And I'll wait and God, give me a little nudge and let me know what I'm going to read, where that red tie or from driving somewhere.

Okay, God, what if I make this left turn and I wait, it's just a second. And the more you do that, the more comfortable you get with it, the more attuned you get to listening for the Holy Spirit. That's what phantoms is. You have this, this guideline, this template at the beginning to get you comfortable.

With speaking with your [:

And I didn't think, realize it at the time, but maybe I hurt her feelings. Let me take ownership about that. So don't look at it as, Oh my God, there's something else I gotta do for this marriage. Look at it as. Oh my God, here's a tool to help me make my marriage easier, make it better. So Thanos is feelings, affirmations, needs, ownerships, and struggles.

rson does the whole acronym, [:

Speak. And then at the end, you have a discussion. That is how it's supposed to be done. Okay. Now for the good part. So that's communication. That's emotional intimacy. Let's get into the physical part. How can we spice it up in the bedroom?

Okay. So as you can tell, this is your wife ever make you feel a little confused. When she drops you a cue like that, is it just you're not confused. Okay. So yeah, I desire my husband and I think that he's sexy and oh, well, that's it. So this is, this is my realm. I love this. This is my topic. I don't care.

I declare it's on there, but [:

Why are you laughing? Listen, some of this may sound a little corny, but it's alright. It's you and your spouse, and you don't tell anybody else. And this is if you want, but if you wanna call me later, I'll understand. Stop. Anyway. The next one is, it's a game called Surprise, sensual Play. Now, this is when you surprise your partner with unexpected acts of pleasure and sensual play.

n include having a blindfold [:

Old Testament name. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Okay. And last but not least is. Don't forget to tip your server. Oh, you're trying to say we're in the club.

n't take a lot of thought by [:

Keep them handy. Maybe make a mixtape. I know that's hella old school. No, it's not because it's a playlist now. Okay. Yeah. Get yourself a playlist. So what are you, what are the kids do now? And I guess that's it. They've got a playlist and you know, just, you don't have to say anything. Just, you know, when you've got some time and there's a little pocket there where nothing else is going on.

Hit that Spotify, get your playlist going. There will be a link to the Our Marriage Rocks Romantic Playlist in the show notes. So make sure that you click it so that you can see some of our favorite songs. You will also find our Cash App Venmo and Zelle info, because if you play Our Marriage Rocks Playlist, I got, I need my royalties.

playlist. And I give them my [:

So do you have any closing words before I summarize? Don't let me find out. You use our marriage rocks without the proper channels being addressed any who so Keep my wife name out your mouth. Okay, okay So what we talked about today guys in this episode is we really talked about Keeping the romance alive from an emotional and a spiritual aspect and also a physical aspect.

aving long term satisfaction [:

And then we got. Old Testament freaky deaky with three ways in order to spice up the relationship with role playing, sensual play, and creating a romantic atmosphere. Can I get that tonight? Okay. Nevermind. I'm not going to ask again.

I think that mean I might get it tonight. Okay. So we're almost done. Thank you so much for tuning into our marriage rocks. Please subscribe, share, and leave reviews for this podcast. We are having a ball. You can go to our YouTube channel. Everything is under Our Marriage Rocks or Our Marriage Rocks TV.

Send us an email if there's a topic that you want to discuss or you would like to be a guest on the show. And we want to see what you got going on.

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Peace!