Shownotes
Join me on Substack for more tools to stay human in a complicated world.
Do you ever feel like you should be "past" your grief by now? Like there's some invisible finish line you haven't reached?
On what would have been her sister Corinne's 49th birthday, Heather opens up about the moment that cracked her wide open and why grief doesn't expire, it shape-shifts. In this deeply personal episode, she walks through the five stages of grief not as a checklist, but as a living landscape and draws a powerful through-line between personal loss, the hidden grief parents of LGBTQ+ youth carry, and the collective heartbreak so many of us are feeling right now.
Whether you're an ally looking for guidance, a parent navigating your child's identity, or simply a human carrying something heavy you haven't been able to name, this episode is for you.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- Why the five stages of grief aren't linear and why that's actually good news
- How denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance show up for parents of LGBTQ+ kids and for allies navigating a world in crisis
- A powerful reframe: acceptance isn't complacency, it's the birthplace of sustainable action
This is the first episode in a three-part grief series. Next week, we'll explore how personal grief maps onto the collective, and what it looks like to hold space for LGBTQ+ families while also holding space for yourself.
If you're ready to stop judging your grief and start getting curious about what it's teaching you, press play now.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
Feeling uncertain or overwhelmed? Download my free guide to take you from Panic to Plan.
Stay informed - visit my website
Invite me to speak at your workshop or event
Read my book, Parenting with Pride.
Share More Human. More Kind.
Support Buy Me A Coffee
Watch on YouTube
Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
Mentioned in this episode:
Contact Hester Painting & Decorating for a consultation! https://go.hesterdecorating.com/mhmk
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
Podscribe - https://podscribe.com/privacy
Transcripts
In this episode, you will discover why grief is a landscape to navigate rather than a checklist to get through.
Speaker B:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.
Speaker B:I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker B:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker B:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker B:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:March 8th would have been my sister Corinne's first 49th birthday, and I want to be really honest with you about it.
Speaker A:I thought I would be further along by now.
Speaker A:I thought I would be more healed, more okay with it.
Speaker A:I think that I expected a finish line that doesn't exist.
Speaker A:And spoiler, I have found out there is no no further along.
Speaker A:So today we're going to talk about the things so many of us are carrying but have not named.
Speaker A:We're going to talk about grief.
Speaker A:In this episode, you will learn a new way to understand the five stages of grief.
Speaker A:Not as a checklist, but as a living, breathing landscape.
Speaker A:You will learn how to recognize where grief hides in your body and your daily reactions.
Speaker A:You will learn practical, compassionate ways to sit with loss of all kind and let it transform you rather than consume you.
Speaker A:So, March 8th.
Speaker A:What would have been Corinne's birthday?
Speaker A:Most days, I feel her presence.
Speaker A:Truly, she shows up in the weirdest, most Corinne like ways.
Speaker A:Through music, through my kid's sharp wit, through those quiet moments when I swear I could hear her laugh or hear her telling me to pull it together in her direct way.
Speaker A:But this past week, the ache of her physical absence was especially acute.
Speaker A:I have become accustomed to the wild, squiggly line that is grief.
Speaker A:I have learned to sit with the feelings when they arrive.
Speaker A:A little death cab for cutie, a few moments of quiet, a mental sharing of my day with her.
Speaker A:These tiny rituals usually dull the sadness, and her birthday more or less began this way.
Speaker A:But on the evening of her birthday, I received an email from a dear friend of hers, someone she'd known since childhood.
Speaker A:And this friend shared that her husband has a terminal cancer diagnosis and that through this horrific experience, she has been feeling Corrine's presence.
Speaker A:I sat with her words for a long time, reading and rereading what she had to say.
Speaker A:And what I realized and what I keep relearning is that grief doesn't expire.
Speaker A:It shape shifts.
Speaker A:And if we're brave enough to name it, it can actually teach us how to live more fully, more soulfully.
Speaker A:I've been keeping notes on grief for a long time now, and journal entries, podcast ideas, questions that are on my mind, even moments where I've just completely unloaded my rage onto the pages.
Speaker A:But this birthday, combined with this email, felt like a nudge from the universe, or maybe from Corinne herself, that it's time.
Speaker A:And here's the thing.
Speaker A:This isn't just my story.
Speaker A:If you are listening to this and you've lost someone you love, this is for you.
Speaker A:If you're a parent navigating your child's LGBTQ identity and quietly grieving expectations you didn't even know you held, this is for you.
Speaker A:If you are mourning the state of our country, our world, our fractured communities, this is for you.
Speaker A:If you are living through any kind of massive change and can't quite name the heaviness, this is for you.
Speaker A:Grief doesn't always wear black.
Speaker A:Sometimes it wears exhaustion, irritability, numbness, or a fake smile.
Speaker A:So what if, instead of judging our grief, we got curious about it?
Speaker A:Instead of stuffing it deep inside, what if we just sat with it, acknowledged where we felt it in our bodies, and showed ourselves the same compassion that we'd offer a friend?
Speaker A:That's what we're going to do today.
Speaker A: In: Speaker A:And I think one of the most important things I can tell you is right now is what they are not.
Speaker A:They are not linear.
Speaker A:They are not a to do list.
Speaker A:And you absolutely do not graduate from one to the next like levels in a video game.
Speaker A:They're more like weather patterns.
Speaker A:They roll in, they roll out, and sometimes they slam into you all at once on a random Tuesday in March.
Speaker A:So let's walk through them together.
Speaker A:I'm going to share how each one showed up for me personally, how I see them show up for parents of LGBTQ kids, and how they're showing up for us collectively right now, because the through line is the same.
Speaker A:So the first is denial.
Speaker A:Because of the nature of FTD frontotemporal dementia, which is what my sister had, I actually began cycling through these stages long before Corinne passed.
Speaker A:It was surreal, to say the very least.
Speaker A:At the very, very beginning, I would sit and talk to her, genuinely puzzled as to why she wasn't giving me her usual sass or her completely unfiltered thoughts.
Speaker A:I would pick up the phone to Tell her something and then remember.
Speaker A:I kept asking anyone who would listen, isn't she too young?
Speaker A:How can this be happening to someone who was just a week ago, a month ago, a year ago?
Speaker A:So vibrant and so full of light.
Speaker A:Denial shows up for parents of LGBTQ kids, too.
Speaker A:You hear your child come out, and somewhere in the back of your mind you think, maybe it's just a face.
Speaker A:And I want to be really clear here.
Speaker A:That thought is not overt cruelty.
Speaker A:It's your subconscious moving into protection mode.
Speaker A:It's your brain's way of saying, I need a minute.
Speaker A:Collectively.
Speaker A:Gosh, we are swimming in denial right now.
Speaker A:It is so tempting to look at the world on fire and stick our heads in the sand saying, our democracy is fine.
Speaker A:Someone will fix this.
Speaker A:It can't possibly be this bad.
Speaker A:Denial is the enabler of self preservation.
Speaker A:When we hit our max, our brains just default to it.
Speaker A:But here's the kindness I want to offer you.
Speaker A:Sitting in denial.
Speaker A:Experiencing denial isn't failure.
Speaker A:It's your psyche's shock absorber.
Speaker A:The next stage is anger.
Speaker A:This one is so important to talk about and to encourage.
Speaker A:Because so many of us were taught that anger is bad, that something is fundamentally wrong with us if we feel it or if, God forbid, we express it.
Speaker A:Quite the opposite is actually true.
Speaker A:Anger is information.
Speaker A:It is emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:I have felt moments of white hot rage at the universe, at the randomness, at a beautiful life cut short, at people who still have their sisters and don't seem to know how lucky they are.
Speaker A:And I need to tell you this part of the story because it still takes my breath away when I think about it and makes this point about anger beautifully.
Speaker A:The day of Corinne's funeral, someone actually asked me why I was so angry about her passing, suggesting instead that I should just be happy that she was with the Lord and at peace.
Speaker A:Anger in that moment kept me speechless, which was probably a good thing.
Speaker A:I could not understand how this person couldn't see the tragedy of a life cut so short of me losing my sister.
Speaker A:How dare they say that to me?
Speaker A:How they could not hear the heartbreak in my eulogy or see the pain on my face in that moment.
Speaker A:Stuffing all of that down, pretending it's just fine, just wreaks havoc on your personal body.
Speaker A:So instead, we learn to understand the information, to express it, and we learn to process it in a healthy way.
Speaker A:And the same goes for all of the anger you feel at a world that isn't safe for your child.
Speaker A:Anger at family members who say the wrong thing Anger at yourself for not knowing sooner.
Speaker A:It's all information.
Speaker A:Sit with it, feel it, and when you're ready, let it fuel you towards something productive and good.
Speaker A:Now, addressing anger that arises from situations completely out of our control.
Speaker A:That is harder.
Speaker A:The fury that we feel towards systems and policies and leaders causing harm with such impunity, such cruelty, such casual disregard for humanity.
Speaker A:The rage that scrolls through your feed at 2am the heat of outrage you feel every time you read about it.
Speaker A:Another innocent life taken, or the dehumanization of yet another group of people.
Speaker A:At minimum, notice how and where anger comes up for you, and give yourself a little grace in acknowledging that it will probably be from multiple directions.
Speaker A:Bottom line, anger is grief's bodyguard.
Speaker A:When it shows up, it means something mattered deeply to you.
Speaker A:The next stage is bargaining, and this one is crazy.
Speaker A:Making the mental torture we submit ourselves to.
Speaker A:What if I'd called that day?
Speaker A:What if I'd said something different?
Speaker A:I still think about this one from time to time.
Speaker A:I think about how scared my sister must have felt as that awful disease slowly locked her inside her mind with no ability to communicate.
Speaker A:What if we had figured it out sooner?
Speaker A:Parents of LGBTQ kids do this constantly.
Speaker A:What if I'd been more open earlier?
Speaker A:What if I'd found the right therapist sooner?
Speaker A:What if I'd reacted differently?
Speaker A:And boy, are we doing this as a collective right now.
Speaker A:What if we had talked to more people, had a clearer, more compelling message, not been so afraid to speak the truth?
Speaker A:It's the exhausting illusion that if we had just done enough, perhaps we could avoid the loss or even reverse the damage.
Speaker A:Bargaining is the mind trying to regain control in an uncontrollable situation.
Speaker A:And it's human.
Speaker A:It's also a trap.
Speaker A:If we stay too long, naming it and learning to recognize it when it pops up helps us allow the feeling and then gently let it go.
Speaker A:The next is depression.
Speaker A:Deep, deep sadness.
Speaker A:The quiet, heavy days.
Speaker A:They're not necessarily dramatic, just flat.
Speaker A:The birthdays, holidays, my sister's Angel Day, the random Tuesday when Peter Gabriel or the national shows up in my playlist, missing her voice, feeling so deeply sad that my kids and my nephews will never get to hang out with the coolest big kid.
Speaker A:Aunt Depression shows up in a big way for parents of LGBTQ kids, too.
Speaker A:The sadness of watching your child face discrimination, the loneliness of feeling like no one in your circle understands, and the bone deep fatigue of advocating constantly and collectively, the doom scrolling withdrawing the feeling that nothing matters.
Speaker A:So why even bother?
Speaker A:Depression is the stage of grief that sits down in your living room and refuses to leave until you acknowledge it.
Speaker A:You can't skip it, ignore it, or positive, think it away.
Speaker A:The only way out is through.
Speaker A:But, and please hear me on this, you do not have to walk through alone.
Speaker A:Finally, acceptance.
Speaker A:Are you ready for a critical reframe here?
Speaker A:Acceptance does not equal.
Speaker A:I'm fine with this.
Speaker A:Acceptance equals this is what it is and I'm going to figure out how to carry it and still live fully.
Speaker A:For me, this looks like learning to hold Corinne's absence and her presence simultaneously.
Speaker A:Feeling her in her friend's email about a tragic diagnosis.
Speaker A:Feeling her as I quietly sit contemplating this episode.
Speaker A:Feeling her through the snark and sharp wit of my kids.
Speaker A:She's still here, just differently.
Speaker A:For parents of LGBTQ kids, it's about moving from tolerating to truly affirming and embracing your child.
Speaker A:From surviving to advocating, from acknowledging to seeing, from grief to fierce, protective, joyful love.
Speaker A:And as a collective, it's accepting that I can't fix all of it, but I can show up for this one thing.
Speaker A:Today, it's shifting to thinking of acceptance not as complacency, but as the birthplace of sustained, sustainable action of grounded, clear eyed commitment.
Speaker A:Here's the thing that nobody tells you.
Speaker A:Grief changes you.
Speaker A:Period.
Speaker A:You never look at life the same.
Speaker A:And that's not entirely a tragedy.
Speaker A:It's also a gift, albeit an excruciating and probably uninvited one.
Speaker A:Losing Corinne transformed me in ways that, as I began to process the grief, made me a better mother, partner and friend, a stronger advocate, a more determined leader, a more empathetic human.
Speaker A:It connected me more deeply to parents grieving their expectations for their LGBTQ kids.
Speaker A:And through my processing, my personal grief became a bridge to understanding collective grief.
Speaker A:There is a through line here.
Speaker A:Whether you are grieving a sister, a version of your child's future, or the soul of your country.
Speaker A:The path is the same.
Speaker A:Name it, feel it, move through it, let it transform you, and use it to connect, not isolate.
Speaker A:Doing this work is part of the way I honor my sister, who she was while she was here on this earth, as well as with the version of me she saw long before I did.
Speaker A:She is still teaching me, teaching us.
Speaker A:Her friend, feeling her presence is proof that love doesn't end.
Speaker A:It just changes shape, like grief itself.
Speaker A:So let's end this episode today with the butterfly effect, a small shift that can create meaningful change.
Speaker A:Because the most powerful transformations usually begin with one quiet, brave moment.
Speaker A:Today is a micro rebellion and it is this.
Speaker A:I will stop measuring my grief against anyone else's timeline.
Speaker A:Say that again.
Speaker A:I will stop measuring my grief against anyone else's timeline.
Speaker A:There is no should in grief, no correct pace, no final stage, no moment where you suddenly become finished loving someone.
Speaker A:Your grief is not a problem to solve.
Speaker A:It's a relationship that changed form.
Speaker A:If any of this landed somewhere tender in your chest today, I want you to know that it's not weakness.
Speaker A:It's your grief asking to be seen.
Speaker A:And I see you.
Speaker A:This is the first of three episodes in this grief series.
Speaker A:Next week, we're going to explore how this personal grief map applies to the collective parenting through national heartbreak, holding space for LGBTQ families, and what it looks like to grieve and keep going.
Speaker A:And if you are in the middle of this right now, any of it, please hear me.
Speaker A:You are not meant to do this alone.
Speaker A:Join me on Substack for more tools to stay human in a complicated world.
Speaker A:The link is at the top of the show.
Speaker A:Notes.
Speaker A:Thank you for being here, for listening, and for choosing to be more human and more kind.
Speaker A:Until next time,.
Speaker B:Sa.
