Dr. Janice Foreman, the genius behind "The Secrets to How Not to Throw Mama From the Train," is here to spill the tea on the unfiltered dynamics of mother-daughter relationships. Seriously, we dive right into the wild world of mommy issues—because let’s be real, we all have them, even if Hollywood wants us to think they only exist in dad-centric dramas. Dr. Jan sheds light on why these mother-daughter connections often get swept under the rug while highlighting the profound impact they have on our lives. Spoiler alert: it's not just about the cringe-worthy family dinners but the emotional roller coasters that come with navigating those tricky relationships. So grab your favorite snack, kick back, and get ready to explore the raw, relatable, and sometimes downright absurd realities of surviving motherhood—without throwing anyone off any trains.

Ever notice how Hollywood loves to dish out stories about daddy issues while leaving the mamas in the dust? Well, Dr. Janice Foreman is here to change the narrative with her book, "The Secrets to How Not to Throw Mama From the Train." This episode dives into the unfiltered truth about mother-daughter relationships, a topic rarely touched upon but oh-so-crucial in our lives. Dr. Jan opens up about her own experiences, revealing the struggles that come with growing up as the only girl among three brothers and how her relationship with her mom evolved (or devolved) over the years. We all have stories, right? And Dr. Jan's research backs her up—80% of women she surveyed felt their relationships with their mothers needed improvement. I mean, come on, that’s not just a statistic; that’s a wake-up call! Tune in as we explore the emotional rollercoaster that is motherhood, the expectations we carry, and how we can navigate these tricky waters with humor and honesty. This episode is like a therapy session with your best friend; you’ll laugh, you’ll think, and you might even feel a little less alone in your struggles. So, if you’ve ever wondered why your mom drives you up the wall, this chat is your GPS to understanding her a little better.

Takeaways:

• The podcast dives into the often overlooked relationship dynamics between mothers and daughters, emphasizing that we all have some form of 'mom issues' even if they're not widely discussed.
• Dr. Janice Foreman reveals how societal narratives favor father-child conflicts, leaving mothers' roles in family storytelling largely ignored, which is absurd considering their influence.
• Through her research, Dr. Jan highlights that a staggering 80% of women feel their relationships with their mothers could use some serious TLC, proving it's a widespread concern.
• The discussion stresses the importance of communication, encouraging daughters to approach their moms with empathy to understand their perspectives and foster healing.
• Dr. Jan shares personal anecdotes that underline how both mothers and daughters often mirror each other's behaviors and emotional responses, leading to a cycle of misunderstandings.
• The episode wraps up with a powerful reminder about the significance of forgiveness in mending relationships, urging listeners to act before it's too late, because life is unpredictable.

Links referenced in this episode:

• drjanicefortman.com
• amazon.com

Welcome back.

My name is Ashley and this is the Black Sheep Christian podcast.

Today I am blessed to have.

Dr. Jan, thanks for joining us today.

Thank you for inviting me.

I'm very excited.

I am excited too.

We chatted online and we are talking about a subject that isn't really, you know, it's funny because I was watching a movie the other day and it was.

What movie?

What were we watching?

Anyways, it doesn't really matter because in movies they're always children or adult children and they have dad problems, but nobody has mom problems.

But we all have mom.

You know, some of us has some type of mom problem in some sort of way, but movies and media doesn't address this type of relationship and mostly addresses dad problems.

And so I am blessed to talk to Dr. Jan, who's the author of the secrets to how not to throw your mama from the train.

So welcome and thank you for touching this topic because this is not a topic we normally talk about.

That's very true and a lot.

You know what, when you talked about the media, if you notice there are a lot of movies that will show some mother daughter dynamics.

And it's always like it's, it's funny or it's a comedy or something like that.

And it really doesn't address it.

And I think the reason why is because it is hard to address.

No one really wants to say I, I don't get along with my mother, or, you know, I don't speak to my mother or, you know, it's just something that they say, okay, well, it just happens.

But it's no sense in talking about it, which is not true because that mother daughter relationship, especially the adult daughter, aging mother relationships, anyway, it, it affects all aspects of our lives, you know, our personal lives, our professional lives in ways that I didn't even know until I started doing some research.

And doing that.

Well, the title in itself, I don't know why mama needs to be thrown from the trade.

It could be out the window, the.

Car.

It'Ll lock her up and put her in a home.

I mean, there are dynamics that are that way.

Very true.

As a matter of fact, I had a client and she was oriental and she told me, I want to throw my.

My month.

It was her mother in law.

I want to throw my mother in law out of the window.

And I said, no, no, you can't do that.

That kind of came to me because there's a movie called Throwing mama from the train.

And so, and my thing and, and that mother there, I thought, oh, wow.

And so I just decided to entitle the book the Secrets to How not to Throw Mama from the Train, Even if she's my mom that's in the mood.

Oh, good one.

Now I do have to say, you know, I do have a good, good relationship with my mom.

So I will put that out there so my mom won't be like, why are we disclaimer.

Me and my mom have a beautiful relationship, but irregardless, just looking at the title of the book and the chapters of the book, every relationship can be better.

And I just find your book is a beautiful journey and you're desperate discovery as far as you not coming upon it, but you are realizing the magnitude of these dynamics.

Yes, yes, yes.

And I can tell you my journey of why I decided to do this.

So as I got older, my.

Now I'm the only girl and I have three brothers and they are, well, one older and two younger.

And for some reason, well, three.

Well, one is deceased.

Well, no, she.

Two are deceased.

So now I have one younger brother, but anyway.

And one older brother.

But anyway, as I was getting older, my mom and I getting older, it seemed as though.

So we were clashing a lot.

You know, I could say blue, she would say green.

And it just got to the point where I felt that our relationship was eroding and I couldn't understand why.

And I thought it was just me and, and my mom, period.

But the more I started complaining, I should say to, to, you know, my girlfriends or whatever, the more I found that this was not just me.

So I decided to do some research of 50 anonymous women across the United States.

And, and I put the results of that survey in the book.

And it was over 80% percent of the women between the ages of 35 and 75 that felt that their relationships with their mom could stand some improvement.

And there were all kinds of different reasons.

And so after that and just after even networking with different women, I just thought it was something that should be addressed.

Now the thing is another.

So anyway, so our, Our journey, really, it was just.

I just couldn't understand it.

And I wanted to know the reason why.

They're all from.

From the clients that I have.

They're all kinds of reasons why.

Now the reason you don't hear a lot about it is because we as women don't like to complain, really.

And unless it's, you know, a really close friend where you feel that whatever it is you say is not going to go anywhere.

And I remember I was talking about my mother and Something had happened.

And this, well, acquaintance of my sick.

Don't talk about your mother.

You're not supposed to talk about your mother.

And I thought, what.

Wait, wait a minute.

Maybe this is the reason why you don't hear a lot about it.

Then I see in the choir, at my church, at least I used to, and there was a woman sitting next to me.

And so she got a look, she got a phone call, and she started crying, and she rushed, you know, out of the pulpit, and it was like, oh, my God, what happened?

Later on, I found out that her mom had called to.

Even though she knew she was in the pulpit, had called to bless her out about something.

And this was overwhelming to.

To her because she was really like a caregiver for her mom.

And so from that, from my journey, and if people really want to know the whole journey, then get my book, which we'll talk about later.

From my journey and different women who wanted to contribute to the book is why I came up with.

With the Secrets to How not to Throw Mama from the Train.

And through my coaching and through my experiences with different women, As I said, it's all kinds of reasons.

I had a client whose mom put her up for adoption.

And as an adult, she just could never understand why, because her mom kept her other siblings, but she had never really spoken to her mom about why it happened.

So here she is.

She's an adult.

She resent.

Was resenting her mom.

Plus it affected her relationships with other men and other women.

So it's a very dynamic roller coaster.

It can be a roller coaster relationship, and you are extremely blessed that you and your mom have a wonderful relationship.

Yeah.

That.

You know some women who don't.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

And it's very toxic.

It just feels different.

It's.

It's one thing to have an issue with the father, but with the mother, it's almost.

It's very hard to describe.

Yeah, it's very like the heart is very like some.

I don't.

I can't even describe.

I can't even describe it because I. I haven't been through it.

But hearing stories of those who've been through it, it just feels, like, unescapable sometimes.

Yeah.

But it's not.

It's not.

It's not unescapable.

Yeah, it's.

It's really not unescapable.

What I have told my daughters that come to me is that it's not about you.

It's about your mom.

And I often ask them, have you ever sat and talked with Your mom, woman to woman, and not little girl.

Because we.

Even though we are adults, we'll come as girls.

And have you ever talked to her?

Woman to woman?

Do you know who your mother is?

Because if you really know who your mother is, what happens is a lot of things that you take personally, you know?

Yeah.

And, you know, that's a really good, interesting segue into.

Because you have a survey in your book.

And looking at the questionnaire and the survey, I find it fitting because part of the healing process, part of loving, part of accepting, is to know somebody's story.

Yes.

And so your questions begin to dive into.

It's almost like a step back, you know, to see it on paper.

As far as your experience, what you may know of your mom's experience.

Because there are things that may not be revealed.

I mean, there were things that my mom did not reveal to me until I was an adult, because they were adult concepts.

You know, it's not something that you're going to know as a kid.

I mean, when it comes to.

And I'm just naming things, it could be for anybody, could be abuse, it could be neglect.

Like, those are things that you cannot comprehend as a child until your adult to.

To.

To see the full picture of an environment, everybody's headspace, et cetera, et cetera.

You're exactly right.

You are exactly right.

And what happens is that now you had that conversation with your mom, but there are women who never have that conversation and who are conducting their lives or they're in this relationship, and it can be toxic, and they don't know why.

And in my case, after I learned a lot about my mother's journey, how she grew up, her relationship with her mom, why she thought, you know, the things that she thought, why she said, the things that she said, how she felt about things.

I thought, oh, it's not me, you know, it's her.

And now I understand.

Now I understand.

Now I don't.

I stopped taking things personally.

It's not easy, you know, it's not easy when.

If your mom says something to you that hurts your feelings.

Yeah.

You know, but there's this forgiveness.

And when you know your mom and you know your mom's story, then there is this forgiveness.

I had a client who left home at 16.

He never called her mother, but she never said mother.

A mama.

Mama.

She called her mother by her first name.

Now, what she couldn't understand was the.

The way the.

The mother treated her, number one.

But number two, the way her mother treated her grandchildren, especially this one Particular grandson.

Now, after, you know, we, we.

It took a while after, we just went through a lot of things, and I really wanted to talk to her mom, but.

But her mom refused.

So I said, well, you're on this journey of healing.

Let's see what we can do.

Now, she decided that.

To do an ancestry thing, right.

So.

Because she.

She didn't know her father, and her mother would never really talk about her father.

Well, not only did she find her father, she found brothers and sisters.

When she talked, when she told her mom about the fact that she had found her father, guess what?

The grandson was the spitting image of the grandfather, which was her father.

Right.

She also, her mother finally told her the story.

And her mother had never gotten over the fact that her husband left her with all these kids for another woman.

You know what I'm saying?

So.

Right.

And.

And because she said, my mother treats my son horrible, I don't even take him.

I don't, you know, I don't even take him over there anymore.

I don't.

And she couldn't understand it.

Spitting image.

So her.

So what was that?

That's trauma.

That was trauma.

And that was that displacement.

Yes.

All of that.

Well, now, once she found all of that out, it took a while and, and so their relationship changed.

It changed.

You know, it went overnight.

But, you know, once she found that, I think, you know, she asked her mom a lot of questions, you know, just a whole bit.

And she said, now, now, I know I, you know, if I had known this, but a mother, you know, wouldn't tell her.

Wouldn't.

Wouldn't say anything.

Just re.

Resented her.

Yeah.

And.

And so, and, and I.

And also it was like her mother kind of felt that the reason why he left me was because of you, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's so many.

So when you look at some of these toxic relationships between the mothers and the daughters and you find out the history, it's like, oh, my goodness.

You know, but it's usually the daughter that I work with rather than the mom.

You know, if I.

There are times when I can really, what I like to do is talk to the daughter, talk to the mom so I can see, okay, what's the story here?

Because it's two different, you know, stories, you know, two different sides.

And just to find out now, I'm not going to say.

I did say that there are some that are erect.

You know, a lot of most of them are irreconcilable, but there have been some.

When it's been so much damage.

Yeah.

You know, that it's, you know, I don't care.

I. I can't forgive.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that.

That's a lot.

That's something that I'm going to be praying about and digesting, and it's not.

And it's for all because God wants us to be in community at the end of the day.

And as women, we have such.

I remember I told somebody this before I move on to my next question.

Is that as.

Because you even said from, you know, to talk from a woman and not a little girl.

And as women, we are trained from birth, I feel like, from the toys that we have in order to train us to do what we are supposed to do with our dolls and our play kitchens.

And then if you are the oldest, then, you know, and you have other siblings, then you're taking.

Helping to take care of your younger siblings.

So from a long time, we are automatically just put in a role in a stereotype to help the household and take care of the family.

And then we grow up as women.

We have children, we have a husband.

If that does happen for some of us.

And then there's not really a retirement.

You know, men provide and then they retire and they can live off of the fruits of their labor.

But as women, we are still seen as taking care of the household until our partner dies, until we die.

But it seems to continue on, and it's such a heavy load.

For some people, that can be a heavy load.

But, you know, as women, we are nurturers.

Yeah.

And we talk.

I just finished a conversation with a friend of mine whose daughter is married with a child, and my friend is still the mother.

You know what I'm saying?

It's still like a.

One of the guys I know, he said, you know, what our adult children make us feel like.

Makes my wife feel like she wants to move to another country and don't tell them where we are, because you're right, it's.

It can be a burden, but that's in a sense who we are, because we.

We are brought up to be like that.

Yeah.

You know, to be the.

The.

The caregivers, so to speak.

Yeah.

From.

From birth to death.

Yeah.

You know, and yes, it can be a.

A heavy burden, you know, but, yeah, have strength.

You have to, you know, like, call on God and know.

I need to send them the army.

Yeah.

Help me with this.

You know, it's like you get the phone call, and once you have adult children, you get this phone call and it's like it depends on how they say mom or mom.

Or it's like, depends on how they greet you, whether it's like this happy thing or it's like, oh God, what is it now?

Yeah, you don't really need to say much because, I mean, it's a code.

You know, my mom stayed home with, with us and that is, that is a blessing.

And that something that she's proud of.

I could never have been a stay at home mom.

I told her right to her face, I couldn't do what you done.

I would have gone crazy.

You know, need, don't interaction.

But you know, I say that to say that when it comes to me and my brother and my mom, like there is like this secret language, like, you don't need to say anything.

I remember I was just tired.

We were, we were at a gas station.

I was just tired.

I wanted to go home and I didn't need to communicate that.

And my mom's like, I need for you to fix your face.

There was no communication.

I had a face.

She had a face.

And that was a conversation.

Oh, except it's the look.

The look.

She didn't have to say, wait a minute.

She wouldn't have even had to say, you need to fix your face.

All she had to do was give you the look.

Exactly.

But with her being home, you know, being with your children, you just, it is just for guys.

I mean, men probably now is just a weird connection in language that, that can never even be explained.

Even me as a mom, you know.

That'S very true, Very true.

Yeah.

But there was something in your book that was really touching to me.

It's a bit lengthy, but I feel like it's important to share to the viewer on what I am talking about because I just found this portion of your book very profound.

So I apologize if it's lengthy, but it really speaks to what your book is about.

And in this chapter, this one, your first chapters, it goes about your friend Loretta, how she told you that one day when her mother was at work, she decided to go to her mother's closet and try on her mother's favorite dress.

She had to use a chair to stand on to get the dress off the hanger.

And the dress was a bright red with long fitted sleeves and a white lace collar.

She found safety pins to pin the dress on herself.

Then she saw some pretty red shoes and of course she tried them on with the dress.

Then she went to her mother's dressing table and put on makeup and red lipstick and as she said to me, I look like a Halloween mess.

When my mother came home and saw me, I thought she was going to faint.

Her eyes got big and she said, oh, Lord, what have you done?

Then she said to me, you are beautiful.

I did not know until later that after she washed the makeup off of me and unpinned the dress, she went into the room and cried.

I had ruined her favorite dress.

I thought this was very beautiful because of how complex I can just imagine this scene.

A child who's happy.

I want to be just like mom.

And Mom's like, I have a mess to clean up.

But the fact that she ruined her favorite dress, I feel like that dress is a story of its own.

You know?

Yeah.

When I was told this story, but it was amazing to me that this woman in her 50s, this was this memory.

Oh, wow.

You know what I'm saying?

In other words, this really impressed upon her soul, her spirit and her heart.

And what it.

She said later, that it just showed her how she's.

How number one supportive her mother was.

How that.

The fact that her mother didn't scream and yell at her, you know, and like she said, she didn't fan out till much later.

And when I say she found out much later is that, you know, she was talking with her mother and it was a memory, you know?

You know, you're talking.

Yeah.

You remember this.

You remember that?

And that's when her mother told her and she said, I.

She said it just filled me so.

Filled me up so that she didn't say, you know, she didn't yell and scream at me.

She didn't, you know, that she was so supportive of me and my feelings and to make me feel that I was beautiful, you know, And I thought, oh, wow.

And you think about that, and you can compare that to a.

A turn that situation all the way around where something opposite where the mom would come and scream and yell, get this.

You know, you did.

And when she thought she was looking beautiful, she was looking like her mom.

Yeah.

You know, she was being, you know, when we're young girl, you know, I remember putting on my mother and I never forget this.

And I'm.

And I'm a senior citizen.

She had a gray pleated skirt.

Wait a minute now.

She had a great pleated skirt and a pink sweater.

She was at work.

I put on that gray pleated skirt with a big belt around it to hold it up and her sweater and went to school.

Yes.

I remember standing in line getting ready to go in and seeing my mother Come and told the teacher she is not coming school today and took me home.

And like, why did you do this?

And I'm like, but I just thought I wanted to be pretty like you.

And.

And she didn't say anything.

She says, okay, but Janice, don't wear my clothes.

You know, and so you even see things on TV where it's a.

A little girl in her mom's room and she's putting on lipstick and powder and this and, and the high heels and all of that.

And it's just, you know, it's.

Now I say this.

When I have my clients, I do take them back to tell me something, you know, when you were little that you remember and you can laugh about it today.

And it's usually something on that order, you know, where they were trying to be like their mother for some reason, whatever it was, and they look and look back on it and laugh and, and depending.

Some look, some tell me, I can't think of anything, you know, Some tell me, oh, yeah, I remember when such and such and such and such and such.

And we laugh about it today, you know, so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she, you know, she wanted.

She.

She wanted to be like her mom.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And I think at the end of the day, we all want to be like our parents because I, I mean, they are our first role models.

They are doing these big things that, I mean, we.

Our little brains can't comprehend or know what's going on.

But they're amazing to us for some reason, for reason or another.

So we.

Why, why not be them?

I know you saw the chapter by book, how I turned into.

Oh, God, I turned it to my mother.

You know, all the things that you say when I get grown, I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to be that, and I'm not going to this.

And you turn around and you look at this like, oh, I. I have all the things I said that I wasn't going to do.

I'm going to.

I remember when I didn't like to wash dishes and when it was my turn to wash those dishes, if it was a pot and it had a bean in it, I'd put that pot in the refrigerator because I want to wash it.

And my mother coming in, getting me up out of the bed, wash that pot.

When I get grown, I'm not washing the dishes till I feel real.

I'm not this, I'm not that.

Omg.

My husband will say, I thought it was a pot of such and such a Refrigerator.

And I'm like, oh, I.

That.

I washed that pot.

I put that thing that put whatever that was in a container and it's in the freezer.

Oh, gosh.

So even with the, the clients that say, you know, they don't.

No, I can't think of anything, you know, no, I'm not.

Nothing like her.

Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, yeah, you know, we.

We really get into it.

And then I'll say, did your mother used to do that?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's really not that hard sometimes.

I am know we're talking about moms, but this example reminds me with my dad, and we were on a trip.

I mean, we were on a long weekend together, you know, you know, visited some family and came home and I was talking to my daughter and I was just like, oh, my gosh.

I was like picking up some of my dad's sayings, like, for one thing, dude.

Because my dad would use that word, do.

And I was like, why am I saying this?

I need to get this out of my mind.

You know, it's really not that hard to become your parents.

And that's very true.

That's very true.

Very true.

Very true.

Goodness.

So moving on, I'm looking at my questions, and I've already asked some of them, and I asked them in a different order, but that is okay.

As we're talking about difficult relationships, some are better than others.

In general, what, what step can one take in order to have a better relationship with.

With her mom?

Well, as I said before, see if you can have a conversation with your mom.

If you can't have a conversation with your mom, if you know, of her friends or anything, you know, just, you know, how was my mom when she was, you know, younger?

You know, and, and, and not in a way that, you know, I'm prying.

I just want to know, but see if you can really get some hints about who she was.

Also ask your mom, if your mom, let's say your mom says something to you and it hurt your feelings, or, or it made you angry.

Just ask mom, why.

Why did you say that?

Why.

Why do you say that?

And you are going to get a response or a reaction because it's going to put something on her mind, in a sense, in that it's why did I say that?

Or I don't know, such and such and such.

And a lot of times, you know, if we can get defensive, let's say she's defensive.

It's because you did this or you.

Because you said that, which Means she's getting it.

She's not addressing her own feelings.

And even if it's that, don't get into an argument.

You know, don't get into an argument if you think it's going to escalate, just stop now at some other time in the future.

I always advise you, like if you, you go shopping with your mother or, or it's just a different kind of calm time and just ask again.

You know, mom, when you said such and such and such and such, he hurt my feelings.

Why, why did you say that?

It's a way that you do it.

So if you say it like that, you more than likely you're not going to get an angry respond.

It, you know, you might get, I was just tired or I don't know, or.

But.

But it will get hurt to thinking no matter what.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, so have, have a conversation if you can, and then just kind of think, okay, why is this happening here?

Yeah, you know, you know, there's the Internet, there's AI.

There's everything.

You can even put stuff in there.

Like I said, this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

My mom is this, that and other.

She's whatever, she's married or she's divorced or this that.

You know, you put a whole lot of stuff in there.

Why would that.

Why did I get that response?

You know, and of course you'll get a lot of different reasons, but there's one that's going to resonate, you know, there's one that's going to resonate for daughters.

I think one thing you have to remember, as I said, is not about you.

It's about your mom.

It's not.

Because the way that our mothers raise us is who we are today, whatever, however we are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

It's making me think about my mom right now.

When you said talking to friends, I do highly recommend that I didn't talk to my mom's friends.

I kind of learned her story through different family members.

And it's funny because I, I even took another step because a family member would tell a story and then I would verify the story, you know, because everybody has a different experience at the same time.

And so, you know, when my mom, when I tell the story to my mom and my mom will be.

Be like, well, you know, this is what happened or that happened.

You know, it's another variation.

And so it just another thing too is by talking to family, other family members, and you also learn the dynamic of just your family that you were born into, whether you like It.

Or not.

And so which.

Which is a very interesting topic all in its own.

So when you talk about, you know, talk to our friends, that ideally I do recommend because I just kind of.

And I. I just kind of stepped into it, you know, it was like a family zoom, you know, people doing a reunion.

And of course, what do people do?

They talk about family stories.

Yeah.

I had another thought that you said, and it went away.

And I hope it really comes back because it.

It was another thought with what you said.

Oh, I remember.

I remember.

I know now I have a newly christened adult child, and I remember it was basically road rage.

You know, something happened on the road.

I can't even remember what the driver did.

But that.

That's not even the point.

But I reacted negatively to that situation.

And I will never forget, my daughter was a teenager at that time, and I was like, they still kind of are, but whatever.

But I looked at them and said, don't be like me when you grow up.

And my daughter was like, don't worry, I won't.

I'll never forget that.

It took me back.

And I ended up laughing because it was just like how the way you just acted right here is not going to happen to me type thing.

So.

It'S an example of what you were talking about.

You know, it is about your mom, because there are just trauma responses that you just have that have nothing to do with you whatsoever.

It's just a trigger that has been implanted that they just dealt with.

And you, you are so, so, so very, very right about that.

It's.

And the trigger is something in the past.

Yeah.

You know, I often.

My mother was really adamant about me going to college and finishing.

Yeah.

Even though I wanted to be a singer, you know, I wanted to be an entertainer, you know.

No, you are not.

But, mom, no, you are not.

You going.

You're going to college.

And I thought, okay, and then to get an advanced degree, why don't you continue?

You know, and my thing was, you know, why are you pushing so well?

What I found out was that she was in college.

She was doing very well, very smart, and her mother, my grandmother, pulled her out for whatever reason, and she was never able to go back and finish and get her degree.

When I found that out, then it wasn't, you just don't want me to do what I want to do.

It was, oh, that's what that was.

So, you know, that's why I say, you know, find out.

As far as daughters are concerned, find out what's what's happening, what's happening?

You know, why, why is this, As I said earlier, why does she think this?

Why does she act like this?

Why does she do this?

All kinds of things.

Why does she dress the way she does?

What, you know, what, you know, is she a very sociable person or she's not, you know, all of these things because you think about you and yourself.

Yeah.

And if you really look back, it's like, okay, I do this because of, you know, and it's you.

They say nature and nurture and it is both.

But that relationship, as I said it, you know, I, when I was doing some research, I often thought why it is that I, when I did start working, I didn't want anybody over me.

I wanted like, if it was a two girl office or I'm, you know, secretary by myself or whatever, I don't wanna anyone supervising me.

Right, right.

Well, that's because I felt my mother was very controlling.

I didn't want to be controlled.

I even became a teacher because I'm in the classroom, you know, I'm my own boss, so to speak.

You know what I mean?

So when I say it impacts professionally.

Some women go into certain professions because their mom was in it, or they don't go into certain professions because their mama in it.

And we think sometimes that the decisions that we make are independent of anything other than what we think, what we want and what we feel.

But if you really get deep, you'll find out it's either your father or your mom.

You know, for women, it's, it's, it's if you, it's, it's the friends that you choose.

If, if, if it's a man, a husband, it's whether or not you get married, whether or not you stay married, whether or not you have children, you know, the whole, that whole bit.

So when you watch sports and they win a game, what do, what do the, what do this man say?

Hi, mom.

You know, I hear, hi dad.

You know, I'm gonna, first thing I'm gonna do is buy my mom a house.

It's not, I'm gonna buy my dad a house.

Yeah, yeah.

So it just shows you the impact.

Even I've had clients whose moms unfortunately have passed and they have that guilt trip.

You know, I should have said this.

I should, I shouldn't have said this.

I.

Where were you when, when she was alive?

And you know, and, and so did we go through that.

That guilt trip is, you know, forgiving their moms, forgiving themselves.

And, and, and so On.

But it's just like I said, once I started doing research and just.

It was just like, wow, moms affect everything, even subconsciously.

We don't know it, but it does.

That is, to me, the most important relationship, you know, in all of our lives.

Men and women.

Yeah, agreed.

So we need.

And we don't have.

Unfortunately, we don't have courses like, okay, mom, this is, you know, what we.

What we learn is, like, you said, get a baby dial, you know, and have that dial, whatever.

Dress it up, whatever, you know.

But it's not like, okay, what, you know, let's train you to be a mother.

We don't have that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm digesting it.

Makes me want to go back when you said you wanted to be a singer, and I was like, I could see that looking at your Instagram.

You're out there living your best life.

Yeah, but I'm thankful.

Yes.

You know, you look back, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful.

When I started working and I was told that, okay, so now you got your first check.

You have to give me.

I'm like, what?

Why do I have to give you something?

You using my toilet tissue.

You're using my electricity.

You're using my.

You know.

Well, I've always used that.

But what did it teach me?

Started teaching me.

Responsibility.

Yeah, yeah.

Independence.

Responsibility.

So I look back and I'm like, you know what?

I am thankful of some of those lessons that at the time, I thought, oh, you know, she's so mean.

But.

But, you know, one thing I really want to say to moms and daughters.

You don't want to get that phone call.

Yes.

Yes.

When that phone call and that.

That brought that to my mind.

When something tragic has happened, that phone call, when I'm sorry to say that your daughter has passed or your mom has passed and you have situations where you have not reconciled, because I have clients that are on that guilt trip.

You don't want to get that car, Mom.

So forgive.

Forgive yourself and then forgive your mom or your daughter.

Forgive.

Very, very important.

The ones who.

And I hate to say this, because it's.

I'm generalizing, but when you go to those funerals and you see that daughter want to fall in the casket having a fit, you know what that is?

That's guilt.

Oh, oh, okay.

That's guilt.

I was thinking it was drama, but it's guilt.

Okay.

If you talk to someone and.

And, like, why is she.

Did she do that?

Or why is he.

Whatever.

They'll tell you something, you know, she didn't.

Such and such and such and such.

Because.

Because we all gonna go.

But if you think about it, if you've done all you can, even if.

Even if there was no reconciliation, but if you tried and you did everything you could on either mother or daughter, if you did get that phone call of when you do, because we all gonna get a phone call sooner or later, you.

You can grieve, but your grief will be the loss and not that grief of man, I wish I had enough.

Or I wish I had.

You don't want that.

Yeah, well said.

That was actually my last question.

You know, as far as for those who are.

Or for those relationships that are deemed unrepairable, you know, for someone.

How can somebody move forward?

Because I think that is one of the biggest tragedies of it all is.

Is an unrepairable relationship.

But you gotta try.

If, you know, some people don't want to try.

Some people don't.

They just don't.

Yeah, I'll never forgive her.

Yeah.

You know, and that is tragic.

Yeah, that's tragic.

But those are not the ones who come to me.

The ones who come to me want to repair that relationship.

Understood.

Understood.

I'm digesting.

I do that quite a bit.

Is.

I. I just.

I just think.

Because the words that you brought today are very profound and very helpful because at the end of the day, God wants us to be in relationships.

He wants us to be in community.

I just.

I think as far as God himself, he didn't need to make us.

He didn't need to.

To go through all this.

But at the end of the day, I believe he just wanted relationships.

I were here, and he wants us to have relationships just as much as we.

He wants a relationship with him.

In the back of the book, and I give what I term stress relief is a lot of.

It is scriptures and prayers.

You know, you don't pray.

You got to pray.

You know, sometimes you just.

You.

You.

I'm sure your daughter probably is like, I gotta pray.

Yes.

My daughter doesn't need to tell me.

I just know.

Yeah, right.

You can see it like, oh, okay.

Really?

Come on, Mom.

Like, you're crazy.

You're silly.

Why'd you do that?

Come on, Mom.

As long as you keep that communication going.

Yeah, as.

As long as you keep that communication going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Agree.

Agreed.

Well, I am blessed and I am grateful to have you today.

The fact that you took the time to write this book and your expertise to be able to help heal relationships and help heal people, even if their relationship hasn't been healed, to be able for them to move forward in the way that God would want them to move forward with love and prayer and forgiveness.

So I am grateful for you, Dr. Jan, for being here today.

Since we're talking about moms, you know, mom, I love you.

I love that you have done for me.

Please forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you, mom.

And for my daughter.

I am blessed to have you and I'm sorry for the embarrassment that I have cost you.

More.

So just be ready.

Oh, and for those who are relationships with their moms and you know, I pray for those who are watching today that you're able to take the step to be able to have a better relationship with your mom.

For those whose moms are not with them today physically or in spirit or, yeah, physically, whether they're alive or not, I pray that you will just find some healing in that with your past relationship with your mom.

So I extend that prayer to those who are watching.

Watching.

Any, any last words, Dr. Jan, before we go?

Well, if you would like a copy of my book, it's, it's on Ken, it's on Amazon and you can get the Kindle version.

It's the Secrets to How not to Throw Mama from the Train.

And if you would like to contact me as and just I usually do a half an hour, what I call kind of just a discovery call for free, just to find out if I am appropriate for you and if you would like to have a relationship with me, a coaching relationship with me, they can reach me at Dr. Jan rjanisfortman.com so the teacher in me says do D R J A N at D R J A N I C E F O R t m a n.com Dr. Jan Dr. Janice fortman.com I'll be happy to.

Hopefully, you know, I can help you if I.

And you know what, if I'm not appropriate, I will let you know.

And I can always just forward you and your information to someone who I think could help you better than I can.

Well said.

Well said.

Thank you.

I want to thank the viewers for watching.

And remember, God is love and God wants you to show his love to the world.

So until next time, later.

Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.