Shownotes
Today we're on self-care challenge field trip. Blakely's challenge was to embrace her vulnerability and practice loving kindness. And, Ben's challenge was to get out of his head and do some improve. Today, we attend a group meditation and share our experience and reflections on togetherness, spirituality and what's getting in the way of wellness.
Just a Note: this is an uncensored show full of our personal opinions. So you will hear us cuss sometimes.
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Transcripts
Okay, so we're heading to a, a meditation.
2
:Yes.
3
:Yeah.
4
:Live
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:Blakely: in person
6
:Ben: new places.
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:Live in person, new places.
8
:So
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:Blakely: right now I'm trying to drive
it and park, in a much more hectic part
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:of our metro than, or I tend to go to.
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:Very often.
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:Ben: Yeah.
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:So it's a new, new, new place in suburban,
caved dwellers, new place in the city.
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:Newer, but there's
more traffic than usual.
15
:I
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:Blakely: mean, believe it or not,
I used to like live right away.
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:Yeah.
18
:Yeah, I can do
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:Ben: this's.
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:I figured.
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:You know where you're going.
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:You've been here before.
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:It's just been a decade or so,
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:Blakely: right?
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:Yeah, and I've never been
here for this purpose.
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:I feel like I'm going to take a
meditation quiz, which I know defeats.
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:Ah, right, sure.
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:Yeah.
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:I don't know that I've sat down to
meditate for a full half hour in a
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:Ben: minute.
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:that's true.
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:I didn't think about that.
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:Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:Half hour.
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:That's.
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:Blakely: Gonna feel
like a long, long time.
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:It's guided, it's okay.
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:my lower back is probably
what's gonna feel the most.
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:Ben: Oh, yeah.
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:I, uh, I've been so.
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:Focused on new people and new places.
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:I haven't actually thought
about the actual meditation
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:Blakely: of it all.
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:I, I was mindful about how much
caffeine I consumed this morning.
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:Oh, good.
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:I didn't do my full usual Monday.
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:I was not
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:Ben: so, but I did have less.
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:On accident.
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:So that was good.
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:Oh, I, uh, have done some
homework since last time.
53
:Okay.
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:so the homework was to do some
improv Mm, To, to like, yeah.
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:To get on the improv, get out
there, like do something silly.
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:Yeah.
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:And so my niece, she's in
tap right now, and, she.
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:Said, Hey, let me teach you some stuff.
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:And I go, ah, nah.
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:And then she goes, come on.
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:And I go, okay.
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:Mm, okay,
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:Blakely: I'll do it.
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:This is the spirit.
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:I'll do it of
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:Ben: participation.
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:I'll do it.
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:I'll put my phone down,
I'll get up, I'll go do it.
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:And so, I forget what she taught me.
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:I forget the names of what she taught me.
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:That's, but I, I tried, so, okay.
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:Okay.
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:Yeah.
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:I'm, I'm, I'm, yeah, yeah.
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:You're feeling it.
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:Get, get a little out there.
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:Get a little silly, feel a
little, you know, embarrassed.
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:And this is, they
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:Blakely: tore down the parking
garage that I'm used to using.
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:Nice.
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:Not
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:Ben: the point.
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:Yes, but it's right here, right?
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:Yes.
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:Like it's just
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:Blakely: right here.
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:Yes, it is nearby.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:But as predicted, I did not
have the security of where
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:I used to park 10 years ago.
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:So
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:Ben: how do you normally deal
with new situations like this?
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:what's, what's the usual
experience for you?
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:Blakely: it depends on if I
am alone or with someone else.
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:That's probably a big factor.
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:Ben: Okay.
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:What's the difference?
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:Blakely: Um, I, not knowing what I'm
doing alone feels much more risky than not
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:knowing what I'm doing with someone else.
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:Sure.
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:Ben: Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:Blakely: safety in
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:Ben: numbers.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:Yeah.
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:Absolutely.
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:Absolutely.
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:I mean, that's exactly
how I feel for sure.
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:Yeah.
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:I don't, this would be,
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:Blakely: I run through
what I am familiar with.
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:I.
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:I did, I did know of a place to park,
but they have since torn it down.
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:But I knew there was
another garage nearby.
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:I've been in this facility
before and not in the exact room
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:that they do this process in.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:Um, but I've been here for
other events and talks, and I
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:met Gloria Steinem here, so.
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:You know.
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:Oh, wow.
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:Um, okay.
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:yeah, so just going over what I
already know and things that make
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:me feel more secure and, mm-hmm.
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:Good things have happened here.
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:And it's a a, an organization that I trust
anyway, so I don't feel like we're gonna
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:fall into something like unplanned or
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:Ben: right.
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:Like some weird religious ritual.
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:Ritual we.
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:Yeah.
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:That.
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:Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:Some that's gonna make
you super uncomfortable,
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:Blakely: right?
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:Yeah.
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:'cause I am church
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:Ben: averse.
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:Sure.
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:Well, I, yeah, me too.
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:And, and I don't know that I would,
I would just kind of dissociate
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:if that started happening.
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:Yeah.
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:I put on
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:Blakely: think, gets annoyed when I
say this, that I put on, I put on my.
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:Social worker, brain and face and Mm.
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:And do this false confidence of
if I act like I belong and I'm
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:supposed to be here, and Sure.
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:Usually if I'm wearing like
a lanyard with my Oh yeah.
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:Work ID on it, I feel more legitimate.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:So being just out here, just me.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:Is a challenge.
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:Mm.
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:Ben: Right.
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:I for?
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:Blakely: Yeah.
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:There's nothing authoritative about
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:Ben: my presence here, like
the, the typical uniform
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:and the lanyard and the id.
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:Yep.
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:Blakely: I'm wearing yoga pants.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:So I feel,
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:Ben: I see.
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:I almost, I almost like dressed a
little bit more comfortable, but then
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:I was like, oh, you're in public.
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:You should probably have
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:Blakely: jeans.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:You're sitting on the floor, man.
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:Oh fuck.
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:I'm gonna ask you how the button
on those jeans feel in about
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:Ben: 45 minutes.
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:Oh.
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:You know, it's, you know, it's coming
unbuttoned as soon as we get in there.
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:Blakely: Are you opting
for a chair or a mat on the
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:Ben: board?
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:Probably start on a, on a cushion.
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:Yeah.
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:But I don't know that I could
do a cushion for that long.
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:Yeah.
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:But we'll see.
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:Blakely: That's part of my
process is planning ahead.
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:Like, am I picking a cushion
or am I picking a chair?
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:Okay.
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:Is lying down like Shavasana
and a vibe, an option.
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:I'm not gonna be the,
the lone lying downer.
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:Ben: I don't know.
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:I'd feel super exposed
if I was doing that.
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:Mostly
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:Blakely: I'm just pump to do this the
first time so that every time after
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:Ben: this Yeah.
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:Feels more comfortable.
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:Just rip the band-aid
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:Blakely: off if this feels like something.
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:is more routine.
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:Right.
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:It would be nice to find something
that we could do like Mm-Hmm.
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:Every couple of weeks.
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:Yeah.
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:Add a lunch to it.
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:It's a nice little zen moment.
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:Ben: Right.
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:so this morning.
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:has been.
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:More just for me, like forgetting what
I was doing and just knowing you've
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:got an appointment to go to Mm mm-Hmm.
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:And so, I just, I, I notice like, I, I
just don't pay attention to the details.
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:Oh yeah.
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:So that I can just go.
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:You're going.
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:Yeah.
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:Just roll with it.
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:With the flow Without overthinking.
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:Yeah.
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:cause otherwise it would just
be too overwhelming I think.
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:And so, I mean all the details
that you're thinking about,
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:I'm starting to get worried.
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:And then I realized, oh yeah,
that's why you don't think about it.
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:Don't think about it.
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:It's like otherwise, the whole
experience going all the way up to it.
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:you're just, it's gonna suck it, sure.
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:I did realize for sure this last
week If I, if it was just up to me,
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:I wouldn't be trying new things.
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:Mm-Hmm.
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:like you going with me,
definitely minimum 50% easier.
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:Oh, completely.
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:Okay.
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:Yeah.
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:Um, if not a hundred percent easier.
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:Right.
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:Also, I wouldn't be thinking about,
Hey, you gotta make sure that you're
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:not taking yourself too seriously.
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:Take some risks, do some new things.
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:Just have some fun like, when I
was doing like the tap dance stuff.
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:with my niece, cause I'm in my
head and I'm thinking about stuff
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:all the time and it's just, That
is the, yeah, I mean, 'cause like
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:Blakely: theme of your challenge
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:Ben: right now.
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:Like, I'm in my, I'm doing my
dissertation right now too,
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:that's been on my mind a lot.
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:And so it's not all super stressful
and I enjoy this topic, but it is like
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:cerebral Yeah, the experience of it is
tense and knowing, this would be a good
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:thing to be able to tell Blakely like,
Hey, I'm not blowing this off like so.
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:No, it's, it's fun to be doing new stuff
and I'm, I'm feeling grateful that I
250
:have had some practice with meditation.
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:I haven't done 30 minutes
straight though, so.
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:Around other people either, right.
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:So,
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:Blakely: well, I've, I've done
yoga practice quite a bit.
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:So this is like an extended ana?
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:Yeah.
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:Or more of a, I don't know, not
even like yin yoga, but the way that
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:it slows down with some versions
of yoga, but uh, with no movement
259
:is gonna be interesting for me.
260
:Mm-Hmm.
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:Yeah, that's right.
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:But it starts in like eight minutes and
then it's gonna be a little restless to
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:Okay, just go find out where we're going.
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:Yeah,
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:Ben: let's go figure it out.
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:Oh, all right.
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:We're doing it.
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:Updates later.
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:So we just got done with the meditation.
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:I'm sort of in a, Little weird space.
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:I feel like,
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:Blakely: okay, weird.
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:Weird is a
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:Ben: yes.
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:So.
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:just first thoughts off the top.
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:Observations.
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:Let 'em out.
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:Yes.
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:So I slowed down for sure.
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:Alright, go ahead.
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:my body was super tense the whole time.
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:I felt sort of behind my eyes.
284
:it felt defensive.
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:It felt protective, and
it felt very familiar.
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:So, um, you know, it was something that.
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:Maybe has been around for a while.
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:Like I, it felt familiar,
like something about me.
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:Blakely: Well, and is this
something that you find in me?
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:Social situations?
291
:Oh, I was gonna say in meditation space
in particular, that you have sort of a no.
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:A dome
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:Ben: around you, if you will.
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:No, no.
295
:It is social situations.
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:It was like really hard to.
297
:Shake the feeling of being
perceived by other people.
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:Oh, like the other people
in the room were bothersome?
299
:Yeah.
300
:which was more than I expected.
301
:but I didn't expect to
feel so tense either.
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:I don't know why.
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:'cause it felt very familiar,
like this is how I felt in
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:social situations my entire life.
305
:Hmm.
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:You know, and I, and I felt a
discomfort in my stomach through it.
307
:It was, it was nice to experience.
308
:To learn in a safe space
what I was feeling.
309
:Mm-Hmm.
310
:I always felt safe, but it was like,
oh, this is, this is wired, like this
311
:is connected to, something I've done
my life in my lifetime, So it felt odd.
312
:It also felt good to challenge
that and to try to just be in the
313
:presence of it and try to accept it.
314
:And then later I can, you
know, through practice.
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:I think I could re like unwire that, but
316
:Blakely: So do you think putting those
things together may be sort of leveling
317
:up your, like both sides of the thing?
318
:Yeah, like the, the social
discomfort and the meditative.
319
:Yes.
320
:Safe space.
321
:Yes.
322
:Need to maybe come together anyway.
323
:Yes, yes, absolutely.
324
:I'm kind of feeling that
in a, but in a really
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:Ben: different way, I think.
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:Yeah.
327
:Tell me, what's your experience like?
328
:Well,
329
:Blakely: because I've been
grasping at this particular
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:social feeling for a little bit.
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:That like, like if you feel it, you feel
it and you know it, that awe inspiring.
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:Like we're all in the same
moment, in the same place at
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:the same time kind of feeling.
334
:Sure.
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:And so I was kind of feeling that
energy on the super small side.
336
:Skill of just, I don't know how
many people were in that room.
337
:Yeah, less.
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:Less than 10.
339
:Yeah.
340
:And sort of grabbing onto that
sense of we're all here for the same
341
:beautiful purpose, not just, I don't
know, not just a kid's soccer game,
342
:not just a concert, not just like
this is a very directly spiritual.
343
:Thing.
344
:And I haven't had that spiritual
setting in a really long time
345
:and not in a healthy way.
346
:Yeah.
347
:You know, very much at all.
348
:Right.
349
:or at least in a safe way.
350
:I,
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:Ben: I like, that's, oh,
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:. Wonderful.
353
:Blakely: and I'm not saying
that I, I got there, but it's
354
:something that I'm seeking.
355
:Sure.
356
:And so I was, I don't know.
357
:I felt more relaxed and open
than I would've thought I would.
358
:it didn't feel as long as I was afraid
it was gonna feel I wasn't as distracted
359
:as I was afraid I would be distracted.
360
:yeah.
361
:I, I need more of that is
just what I already know.
362
:Yeah.
363
:I felt, I felt like I didn't belong.
364
:huh.
365
:I don't, I don't know why.
366
:Is that related to just that
social, how you feel anyway?
367
:Yes, I think so.
368
:Regardless of that space.
369
:Yeah.
370
:There's a hanging
371
:Ben: ghost of, yeah.
372
:I feel like in most spaces and with
most new people, um, unless I have
373
:a role, like unless I have a job.
374
:To do that, that yeah.
375
:That authoritative feeling and not like,
not like, um, only in, in therapy spaces.
376
:Like I don't have to be in charge.
377
:Yeah.
378
:Be a purpose, but I need something to do.
379
:Like, I need to know
what to do with my hands.
380
:Right.
381
:Like, it, it feels like if I
have to just be present and
382
:be ready to improvise, I feel.
383
:Yeah.
384
:It's just like a, it's not a
fear, but it's a, a tension.
385
:And so, I don't know, but that,
386
:Blakely: I mean the, because
I feel that's so funny.
387
:'cause I feel, I think a similar thing,
but it's a very liberating to Mm-Hmm.
388
:Have, this is the only thing I'm supposed
to be doing right now feeling Mm mm-Hmm.
389
:There is nothing, I mean Sure.
390
:Everything I'm usually constantly
taking care of is taken care of.
391
:Mm-Hmm.
392
:And I'm, I.
393
:Can, even if I'm not able to entirely,
I have the, the permission to turn off.
394
:Yeah.
395
:A lot of extra Mm-Hmm.
396
:And a lot of extra thinking
and a lot of extra planning.
397
:Sure.
398
:A lot of extra caregiving and, Mm-Hmm.
399
:Ben: Yeah.
400
:Yeah, yeah.
401
:Let things slowed down a lot.
402
:Blakely: There was less
in that moment for you.
403
:Yes, absolutely.
404
:Mm-Hmm.
405
:Yeah.
406
:And just didn't have to be.
407
:And so when those started
to sort of Mm-hmm.
408
:Um, creep in.
409
:Mm-Hmm.
410
:I was able to put them back
down relatively easily.
411
:Yeah.
412
:That's
413
:Ben: nice.
414
:Um, that's nice.
415
:Blakely: Yeah.
416
:I was more prepared and able to be
present than I would have predicted.
417
:Ben: That's awesome.
418
:I mean, that's great.
419
:Um,
420
:how was it?
421
:And not having any movement.
422
:That was
423
:Blakely: strange.
424
:Yeah.
425
:I, I did have the thought
partway through that.
426
:Like I, my body feels more, more fluid
after going through yoga sequences.
427
:Mm-Hmm.
428
:And then sinking into that space.
429
:Right.
430
:And I don't know if that's
more just what I'm used to.
431
:Sure.
432
:Or if it does work that initial
tension out of my body so that it
433
:really feels like those muscles are
434
:Ben: blah.
435
:Right, right.
436
:Right.
437
:Yeah.
438
:I feel like that that, 'cause
like I normally do my, my
439
:meditations while I'm walking.
440
:Blakely: I, that crossed
my mind as we were
441
:Ben: getting started too.
442
:Yeah.
443
:And so, like, I'm used to the
rhythm of it, like feeling my
444
:feet hit left, right, left right.
445
:Mm-Hmm.
446
:And, you know, letting my, you
know, censoring on my breath in
447
:that way while that's happening.
448
:It's just easier for me.
449
:and maybe not inherently, but
that's just the way I've practiced.
450
:That's for so long.
451
:Right?
452
:And there's such open space
while I'm practicing usually.
453
:And so to be in a smaller room
that was sort of dark to, and with
454
:all these new people, it felt just
like the space was even smaller.
455
:and without my body moving.
456
:It felt like the muscle
tension felt even smaller.
457
:So it, it like, it, it, I was
still able to like, be present
458
:with it and, and continually like,
redirect my mind to not judge it.
459
:Mm-Hmm.
460
:But it was very easy to be
in the judgmental space.
461
:and so it was more of a
non-judgment meditation which
462
:was nice to, to be practicing.
463
:but yeah, I guess it was less fulfilling
and satisfying than usual just 'cause
464
:it wasn't my normal meditation practice.
465
:Blakely: Do you think that
would improve Absolutely.
466
:In returning to that
space and doing Mm-Hmm.
467
:The repetition of it?
468
:Yeah.
469
:Absolutely.
470
:Absolutely.
471
:I was surprised at how
little guidance there was.
472
:Mm-Hmm.
473
:Throughout.
474
:The leader.
475
:Mm-Hmm.
476
:Which it sounds like there are different
leaders to it on different days, which
477
:makes me curious to try different days.
478
:Sure.
479
:but I expected a little bit more like of,
of a guided process throughout Mm-Hmm.
480
:I think, and so she told us just
to hang out with the silence.
481
:Right.
482
:That was, I had to, 'cause I.
483
:If I'm meditating, it usually is guided.
484
:So I had to kind of get mm-hmm.
485
:My own visualization space together.
486
:Mm-Hmm.
487
:And that really is what I felt like
my wandering in my mind was of, yeah.
488
:Eh, no, I wanna sit here.
489
:No, I wanna, I wanna be in a field.
490
:Mm-Hmm.
491
:No, I wanna be inside.
492
:No, I wanna be by a creek.
493
:Like, right.
494
:Right.
495
:Where I was like visualizing myself.
496
:Mm-Hmm.
497
:And then I was like, no, I'm in.
498
:I'm already in a room.
499
:Let's go back to the room I'm in.
500
:And I was like traveling
too much in my brain.
501
:Uhhuh.
502
:Yeah.
503
:For the purpose of the meditation.
504
:So it seemed on topic,
but still distracting.
505
:Right.
506
:And so then I would.
507
:The alarm bell in my mind,
would go thinking, thinking,
508
:you thinking Not the breath.
509
:Not the breath, not the breath,
not the breath, not the breath.
510
:And then I would realize I'm
breathing in my chest and I'm like,
511
:I'm supposed to breathe in my belly.
512
:I'm supposed to breathe in my belly.
513
:When I'm sitting in a chair like
this, I tend to breathe in my chest.
514
:I should have sat on the floor.
515
:I wonder if I can move to the floor now.
516
:That would be really weird.
517
:Uh, me too.
518
:Ben: I thought that too.
519
:Blakely: So my distractions were on topic.
520
:Ben: Oh yeah.
521
:Oh, oh, duh.
522
:And I realize, of course, like
we were talking before, um, like
523
:total wardrobe, you know, issue.
524
:Like I should not have
worn jeans with a belt.
525
:Like
526
:I'm sitting there going, oh my God, okay.
527
:Like I had to shift my
legs a lot to be like,
528
:Blakely: I just wished I
had taken my shoes off.
529
:That was
530
:Ben: bad enough.
531
:Yeah.
532
:Yeah.
533
:I mean.
534
:A lot lessons learned, like it
would be good to go back and try
535
:again, and yes, opportunities for
growth, see how it, how it would go.
536
:yeah, it's just good to, good to try.
537
:And
538
:Blakely: I think really the
biggest benefit for me was
539
:being outside of my home space.
540
:Mm-Hmm.
541
:Which I do everything in my home space.
542
:Mm-Hmm.
543
:I work there.
544
:I, you know, I function
there, I live there.
545
:Mm-Hmm.
546
:And there are just too many distractions
of my differing roles Right.
547
:In one space.
548
:Mm-Hmm.
549
:For me to be able to relax, so, yeah.
550
:Yeah.
551
:Being outside of that, I think is just.
552
:Why it's itself helpful.
553
:Ben: Oh, I was thinking, I was
wondering, we did some loving
554
:kindness practice at the end.
555
:Mm-Hmm.
556
:Um, and that seemed very, I
mean, I think the loving kindness
557
:chapter was the chapter that I
gave you for homework with Pima.
558
:Correct.
559
:So how was that?
560
:I was curious while we were doing that.
561
:It's
562
:Blakely: another one of those things
that's, that's easier and nicer
563
:in those spaces and that Mm-hmm.
564
:That like feeling that I'm grasping at is
so resonant with that process, uhhuh, that
565
:that global sense of I'm floating among
my connections to all other creatures and
566
:humanity is an easier place to access.
567
:Ben: Yeah.
568
:I suppose you were just, I mean,
you were just, that was the first,
569
:one of the first things you said.
570
:Yeah.
571
:Was like feeling connected
to people and more of a.
572
:Yeah.
573
:Being aware of that part of life.
574
:Yeah.
575
:Yeah.
576
:A
577
:Blakely: sense of openness.
578
:Mm-Hmm.
579
:And letting some of that bounce
back to me in order to sort of
580
:be a rainfall on the Mm-Hmm.
581
:Fire that I'm talking about.
582
:Ben: The, the cleansing fire that
somewhat burns things up, up.
583
:Yeah.
584
:Because when, when you don't intend
585
:Blakely: it to, I had to sit and
observe that a little bit today.
586
:But there was something nice about
closing out with the reminder that
587
:yeah, someone is always putting
this energy out into the world.
588
:'cause there were a lot of other
589
:Ben: pieces of energy that are Yeah.
590
:Yeah.
591
:That was, that was nice.
592
:And I think that's something
that I could get a little more.
593
:I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm interested and,
and I want to get to know that, part
594
:of other people that like actually
put this into the world, like they
595
:are those folks that are in the room.
596
:We overheard them talking a little bit
before we started and just, they're
597
:all talking about being seeking or like
seeking spiritual awakening and, and.
598
:just the goodness in life
and things like that.
599
:And you know, that's the stuff
you don't really get a whole
600
:lot of, I, I don't get a lot
601
:Blakely: and well.
602
:This also strikes me that you're
talking about like being uncomfortable
603
:in social spaces in general.
604
:And I have in a, for a long time,
been pretty uncomfortable in like,
605
:like the community I live in.
606
:I don't feel like there are
a lot of people like me.
607
:I don't feel like people are thinking
about these kinds of things in the spaces
608
:that I tend to be in in life right now.
609
:Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.
610
:So everyone thinking kind of on that
track and being motivated toward.
611
:Goodness, and yeah, spiritual
improvement and just, yeah.
612
:That being even a motivating
factor is, is mm-Hmm.
613
:Just very comforting to me.
614
:Ben: Yeah.
615
:Yeah, yeah.
616
:And like I'm encouraged, I'm encouraged
that your mind went there while,
617
:while we were practicing, and I'm
encouraged because my mind didn't.
618
:And I'm like, well, if, if Blakely can
be non-judgmental, I think I can, yeah.
619
:But it just, it just
620
:Blakely: reminds me that
I can actually do that.
621
:Some of it is this self-protection
of what my life is right
622
:Ben: now.
623
:There was, so there was something
that she said at the very end when we
624
:were doing the mindfulness or the, the
loving kindness, and it was just a word.
625
:I don't remember the whole phrase
that she used, but she said, safety.
626
:Mm.
627
:And I remembered a, a, a meditation that
I've practiced that, was saying basically
628
:like oftentimes when we're thinking
and we're, we're, we're seeking safety
629
:in intellectual discourse in our mind.
630
:Mm-Hmm.
631
:And I'm like, duh.
632
:Like that is totally me.
633
:And, and so like, that's what I was
wrestling with the whole time and
634
:trying to observe the wrestling.
635
:You know, stop thinking, oh,
you're not thinking now, you're
636
:thinking about not thinking like
it was, it was a lot of that.
637
:And I noticed, I noticed the, there,
there are prejudices that I have around
638
:spiritual people around woo woo stuff.
639
:Yes.
640
:Blakely: Yeah.
641
:Yes.
642
:I was wondering about
643
:Ben: that.
644
:Yeah.
645
:And, and I think that that's
another, it was just another layer.
646
:Of defense.
647
:Yeah.
648
:And desire for safety and security and
I don't know, like it was, it was good
649
:to be in a, in a place where I could
observe that and see the multitudes
650
:of about me and go, okay, yeah, that's
something that just needs more safety
651
:and more allowance and more acceptance.
652
:To then so we can change it.
653
:Right.
654
:Like it's, it's not something
I want in me, it's just there.
655
:Blakely: Yeah.
656
:I mean that's, I think that's something
I had to activate a long time ago
657
:because of some spiritual trauma.
658
:Sure.
659
:Like I had very bad experiences with
religion, but was aware of like this
660
:need for spiritual health development.
661
:Mm-Hmm.
662
:And I wonder if you have
found some of that spiritual.
663
:Stuff since you left some
664
:Ben: church stuff I have for myself, and
it's a very, like I know that it's, I've
665
:protected it and not talked about it.
666
:Yeah.
667
:With many people and.
668
:But
669
:Blakely: even I have to acknowledge
that some of that is communal by nature.
670
:Ben: Well, and and that's the thing is,
is I want it to be, I don't, it's, I want
671
:it to be, but I want it to be like my,
in my heart of hearts, I want it to be,
672
:but I've never experienced safety in it.
673
:Mm-Hmm.
674
:Either you comply and do the
thing that you're supposed to do.
675
:Right.
676
:And you're, you belong because of your
behavior or you're completely cut out.
677
:Mm-Hmm.
678
:And so.
679
:When it's just this like, woo
woo, we're all connected stuff.
680
:Mm-Hmm.
681
:It doesn't resonate down in my
heart at a gut level, right?
682
:Mm-Hmm.
683
:Like, it, it, the, the system I
was born into is not accepting.
684
:Mm-Hmm.
685
:Right.
686
:And, and, and that's my
sort of religious trauma.
687
:Uh, you know, the, the, the rejection,
inherent rejection that I grew up with of
688
:like, you better do this or else Mm-Hmm.
689
:Sort of idea.
690
:And even saying out loud, I feel
weird because it's like, I don't
691
:know that it was never that explicit.
692
:It was all like up for interpretation.
693
:Oh, that's what's, that's what makes
it so complex and That's right.
694
:And that, that sort of.
695
:Blakely: It's up for interpretation
until you were being ostracized.
696
:Ben: Exactly.
697
:Exactly.
698
:And so when you're shunned, you get it.
699
:So the woowoo stuff, it, it, it makes
me uncomfortable because it makes
700
:me feel like there's a system of
understanding or meaning that I might
701
:get caught, caught in, because of my
desire to be connected with people.
702
:Does that make sense?
703
:Sort of like getting caught in a cult.
704
:Blakely: Yeah, that's
what I was just thinking.
705
:Ben: Yeah.
706
:Like I don't want to get
707
:Blakely: caught in cult.
708
:Well, 'cause that's the foundation
of your spiritual learning is it's
709
:this or you're, you're gonna drink
710
:Ben: Kool-Aid.
711
:Exactly.
712
:Like, I won't be accepted for myself.
713
:I have to.
714
:It's actually flavored believe.
715
:Flavored.
716
:It's flavored.
717
:Blakely: Not Kool-Aid.
718
:But you know,
719
:Ben: what about Gatorade?
720
:I, I, I might like, Jim
721
:Blakely: Jones was a fan of
grape flavor raid, apparently.
722
:Oh.
723
:Ben: Man.
724
:Yikes.
725
:Blakely: I've done my
726
:Ben: cold research, so I
don't wanna be caught in.
727
:But see, that's the thing is
like, I don't, I I'm suspicious.
728
:Yes.
729
:And I'm, I'm vigilant because I
don't know that I'll be, actually
730
:be accepted by for myself as
731
:Blakely: myself.
732
:Well, that's the paradox, right?
733
:You have to, you have to do the thing
in order to seek the acceptance, in
734
:order to find out if the system is
735
:Ben: accepting.
736
:Exactly.
737
:Yes.
738
:Exactly.
739
:And that's, that's part
of like the first step.
740
:The first step, like, it's
like, it's that simple.
741
:But why?
742
:I know.
743
:I, I noticed my judgment and I was
practicing trying to just let it
744
:be and say, you're feeling unsafe.
745
:You are safe.
746
:You can keep, you can keep complaining.
747
:Keep, keep crying.
748
:Whatever you wanna do inside
Little Ben, like whatever is there.
749
:Yes.
750
:Just let it out.
751
:This is the point.
752
:Be present.
753
:You know, I'm not gonna
tell you to shut up.
754
:Just keep, keep at it.
755
:Okay.
756
:Yeah, keep doing it.
757
:And I don't know, like it was, so I'm
758
:Blakely: thinking that it was good.
759
:Participation homework is
expanding into just more woo woo.
760
:Oh.
761
:No.
762
:So now I gotta take Ben to
like the crystal shop and
763
:get him a whole No, no, no
764
:Ben: fortune.
765
:No, no, no.
766
:It is, this is the culty shit that it,
I don't, no, it's not about that stuff.
767
:It's not about that stuff.
768
:I will, if you wanna have
that stuff or lead me through
769
:that stuff, I will accept you.
770
:Mm-Hmm.
771
:But that stuff is, what I'm
trying to get away from is like.
772
:Every, everyone has their
773
:Blakely: objects, every know
you're trying to get away from
774
:something you've never been to.
775
:Everybody
776
:Ben: has their objects and, and
things that they find meaning in.
777
:Yeah, right.
778
:I don't want to, I have, I think I have
been gaslit and gaslit myself long enough
779
:to believe that there's another thing
out there that I just need to go get.
780
:Then finally, I'll be okay.
781
:And I'm, and I need to, oh, I
782
:Blakely: don't dunno what
that, I'm not following what
783
:that has to do with anything.
784
:Carry on.
785
:Ben: it's the system of understanding.
786
:The system of belief.
787
:Yeah.
788
:Right.
789
:That's where my mind would go
if I went to go get that stuff.
790
:Blakely: To get What stuff?
791
:What are you getting?
792
:The crystals.
793
:We don't actually have to get stuff.
794
:My all I'm whatcha are
you talking about man?
795
:I didn't say you had to buy anything.
796
:Slow down.
797
:Slow down.
798
:Okay.
799
:Thank
800
:Ben: you.
801
:Thank you.
802
:Thank you.
803
:My
804
:Blakely: point mm-Hmm.
805
:Of taking you to new spaces.
806
:Mm-Hmm.
807
:Is expanding.
808
:Exactly what you're talking about is
the concept of what spaces even exist.
809
:Mm-Hmm.
810
:If you're talking about you have
isolated in one spiritual space Mm-Hmm.
811
:And expanding what you are going to be,
the fully authentic space that you are
812
:accepted and who you are is probably
somewhere you have not visited before.
813
:Sure.
814
:Yes.
815
:Like just by default.
816
:Yes.
817
:Yes.
818
:And I'm not saying you'll find
yourself there or anything
819
:you want to purchase there.
820
:Yeah.
821
:I'm just saying expanding the horizons
of what even your concept of right
822
:spirituality and meta is right.
823
:Is growth on its own.
824
:No, I, hiding from
825
:Ben: what is, I appreciate the
pushback on my fear and, and the
826
:little explosion of fear I had there.
827
:Blakely: I'm still gonna buy you like a
tiger's eye or some hematite or something.
828
:Okay.
829
:Ben: And it
830
:Blakely: will be gifted, so it counts.
831
:Ben: yes.
832
:That's okay.
833
:Yes.
834
:Coming.
835
:Okay.
836
:So like, yes.
837
:I thank you.
838
:Thank you.
839
:I do need to expand my horizons
and that is a part of all of this
840
:homework is to accept, accept reality.
841
:To accept me.
842
:See where I have limited myself
and to expand and so, yeah.
843
:Yeah.
844
:I'm, I am grateful.
845
:I am grateful to go through
all of this with you.
846
:And I'm grateful that you're here to
help me with it, because otherwise
847
:I'd be having this conversation in
my head and it wouldn't be good.
848
:Blakely: It it wouldn't and
you would never go back.
849
:Ben: Uh, it just, yeah, no.
850
:Nah, I wouldn't.
851
:But that's the growth, to be honest.
852
:No, that's honest.
853
:Yeah.
854
:Yeah, yeah.
855
:This is how we grow though, Uhhuh.
856
:It's weird, right?
857
:That, that we're doing self-care.
858
:Mm.
859
:But we're together.
860
:Yeah.
861
:What.
862
:WI mean like community is important.
863
:Blakely: I have to put
on my own oxygen mask
864
:Ben: first.
865
:Oh, you know, you just need
to go take care of yourself.
866
:Sounds like you got some
867
:Blakely: therapy to do.
868
:Well, 'cause what the fuck else could
we have done with this time today?
869
:Go do that.
870
:I can tell you what I would've
done with this time today
871
:is laundry and sure dishes.
872
:Mm-Hmm.
873
:And paperwork.
874
:Mm-Hmm.
875
:Those were are the three
hanging things on my list.
876
:Mm-Hmm.
877
:I was out of town all last week.
878
:I have shit that has piled up that exists.
879
:Mm-Hmm.
880
:But I am going to be better
having set all of that shit down
881
:for a minute to find myself.
882
:Mm.
883
:Before I keep chasing and chasing and
chasing all of the accomplishments
884
:of whatever my jobs are,
885
:Ben: being overdoing I
886
:Blakely: chose to be.
887
:Mm-Hmm.
888
:Now
889
:Ben: I have to do Mm-Hmm.
890
:But first I want lunch being overdoing.
891
:Now it's lunchtime.
892
:We, uh, are appreciative of
all of you that are listening
893
:and we appreciate you as well.
894
:Um, the, I don't know, we
895
:Blakely: will continue to be the
walking and talking experiments
896
:if you will continue to tune
897
:Ben: in.
898
:Yeah.
899
:I mean, we probably will
anyway to live vicariously.
900
:Yeah, we probably will anyway
because that's just what we do.
901
:But, uh, we really
appreciate you listening.
902
:We don't know exactly who
you are, just quite yet.
903
:And, we would love to know you.
904
:So if you would like to reach out
to us, we would love to hear from
905
:you and what are you trying to do
so we can help support you as well.
906
:'cause self-care.
907
:By yourself is bullshit.
908
:I just, I'm just going to tell you that.
909
:So that's my experience, that's my truth.
910
:And now we're gonna go get lunch.
911
:It's taco time, so taco time.
912
:All right.
913
:Bye.
914
:See
