Shownotes
Are running yourself into the ground? Burning the candle at both ends? Putting everyone else's needs before your own?
Here's the truth: Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's not a luxury. It's your responsibility.
And in today's world, it's an utterly revolutionary act.
**Episode starts at 00:02:54 after some updates from Ella!
📝 Show Notes: www.onairella.com/post/383-break-the-cycle-self-neglect - see the list of books that Ella recommends!
🎧 Related episodes:
▶️ 352: "Future You is a lie we tell ourselves"
▶️ 208: "Conquering Overwhelm"
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On Air With Ella is for women who want to feel better, look better, live better - and have more fun doing it. This is where we share simple strategies and tips for living a bit better every day. If you’re interested in mindset and wellness, healthy habits and relationships, or hormone health, aging well and eating well, then you’re in the right place.
Connect with Ella:
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Transcripts
Welcome! You're on air with Ella, where we share simple strategies and tips for living a little better every day. If you're interested in mindset and wellness, or healthy habits and relationships, or hormone health, aging well, and eating well. Honestly, if you're into just living better and with more energy, then you're in the right place. We're not here for perfect. We're here for a little better every day. Let's go! Hey, you're on air with Ella and today it's a solo show. That's right, there are more than 380 interviews in this queue. If that's what you want today, go for it. But for those of you who are up for a little, a little tough love, a little sisterly love, a little reminder about a few things, then stick with me. Before we jump in though, I want to tell you a couple editorial notes. One is, when I was recently talking about some of my tips, it was probably the last solo show, and I think I was sharing sort of life hacks and tips, and I was talking about my skincare routine, and I mentioned that I used a facial product that had estradiol in it. I do think that's a thing, but my product actually contains estriol, which has maybe one less syllable in it, But both are forms of estrogen, but they do differ in potency and function. And so I just wanted to clear that up. It's estriol, which is a form of estrogen in the skin cream that I use two times a week. And I am loving it, but it is the less natural version of skincare. So if you refer back to that solo episode, I just wanted to make that correction so that it was 100% accurate. The other thing, speaking of skincare, I got so much feedback about that episode with Trina. You guys were absolutely digging her DIY Botox and collagen boosters and elastin boosters. And we did an Instagram live together. That video is available in my feed on Instagram. Additionally, though, I am going to put together a one-sheeter with some of her skincare tips and some of the tips that are coming up in our next episode with Dr. Shara, with Dr. Shara Posner. There's so much content in Trina's episode and Dr. Shara's episode. I want to put them together in a PDF for you, and I will email that out to my mailing list. So if you want that, just DM me with your email address. If you're already on my mailing list, you're going to get it anyway. last update no two more updates i'm also putting together a holiday gift guide that will go out to my mailing list same deal there and then finally there will be no more mini episodes for november only those are those little bite-sized nuggets that i post every friday and it's just because i'm traveling for the next three weeks so i Something had to give, so I've recorded shows for you. They will all be fresh, brand new, in your feed, but no minisodes for November, and they will resume in December. Okay, that's it. Let's jump in. Okay, today we're talking about something that's long overdue. We, as women, need to start taking better care of ourselves. I mean, really taking care of ourselves, not just squeezing in a manicure once a month and calling it self-care, right? And let me be super clear. I'm going to be saying self-care in this episode, and I'm not talking about some of the things we've talked about in the past. I am talking about taking care of yourself. A lot of us are bumping our needs to the curb. A lot of us do not take the time to take care of ourselves. And we are running ourselves ragged and burning the candle at both ends. If that sounds even remotely familiar to you, then I'm talking to you. I mean, let's get real. Do you feel at all like you put everyone else's needs before your own? Do you feel like you're running yourself into the ground even just occasionally? If you feel like you are burning the candle at both ends and there's no other way and that you'll just deal with it later when life is simpler and easier, here's the truth. Taking care of yourself, it's not a luxury. It's not selfish. It is your responsibility. And that's what I want to talk about today. It's not a nice-to-have. It's a must-have. I know what some of you are thinking. I can hear you saying, I don't have time. Like, I don't have time. Why are you even talking to me about this as we are going into holiday season? Like, how dare you? Right? Some of you, no matter what time of year, feel guilty putting yourself first. Or you might say, I'm too tired to even think about self-care. Like, don't add something to my to-do list. And I hear you. I have been there. I still spend time there, obviously. But here's the thing. Let's be honest with ourselves. These are excuses. And these excuses are not just keeping you stuck. Beyond that, they are leading you to a brick wall that you will eventually run into. And listen, here's the thing. It's the same story for millions of women of our generation. And yet for some reason, many of us seem hell bent on proving it to ourselves, meaning proving this cycle to ourselves. Like somehow we are not going to run ourselves into that brick wall. And we somehow miraculously one day this crazy cycle that we're on will just slow down and chill. And we've pinned things to that future us. We have said things like, oh, when the kids are grown up, or when I change jobs, or when I'm through this season. Who hasn't said that? Right? Another thing that we tend to do is we experience guilt whenever we put our needs first. I feel guilty. Like you're taking something away from someone else if you're prioritizing your own needs. We have been conditioned this way. We've been conditioned to believe that prioritizing ourselves is selfish. Whether we could say that explicitly or consciously, many of us experience that subconsciously and unconsciously. We somehow feel that our worth is tied to how much we sacrifice for others. I want to call out this nonsense for what it is. This is a trap designed to keep us exhausted and depleted and we're doing it to ourselves. Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act. I can argue, in fact, that ignoring your own body Ignoring your mind, ignoring your spiritual wellness is a selfish act. Ignoring it is a selfish act. When you neglect your own needs, you deplete your emotional and physical resources. That can lead to resentment. and burnout for lack of a better way to say that. But it also leads to physical problems. Do you know anyone or have you been this person yourself who just ran and ran and ran until something broke? I know I have. Who is this helping? If we can't get motivated to care for our own body, our own mind, and our own spirit, if you can't get motivated to do that for you, fine. Do it for them. Do it for the people in your life who love you or who depend on you. Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act. But I have to say, you know me, I am not standing on a mountaintop telling you this from a position of authority and peacefulness and utter and complete harmony. Yeah, I am you, right? I get why we are this way. I want to talk about why we so readily put ourselves last in the name of others. Also, we do this too. We put ourselves last, our needs last, our taking care of ourselves last. in the name of achievement and productivity and busyness. It's clear that we live in a society that celebrates busyness. Right? Whether it's our own career trajectory or our ability to raise kids who play two sports and speak two languages and get accepted at every college they apply to. Right? Whatever it is, it's a trap. And we as a society are absolutely addicted to the cycle of overcommitment because our productivity equals our value. Right? Our productivity equals our value. No. Wrong. But I know that until we derive our value intrinsically, we won't break this cycle. Until we stop seeking that validation from external sources, we can't break this cycle. But for now, I'm just going to say this. If your response to why you're not taking care of yourself is, I don't have time. I'm calling bullshit. Okay. You have time for what you prioritize. Period. I challenge you in this conversation to add yourself to your priority list. Stop waiting. Your life is happening right now and we are potentially missing it if we keep pinning the best things for us to future us. I know you're tired. Of course you're tired. You're running yourself ragged trying to be everything to everyone. That's exhausting. But here's the kicker. Taking care of yourself is what gives you energy. Taking care of yourself is what builds your life force. It's not a reward for when you're less tired. It is the solution to your exhaustion. Okay, stick with me. There's a reason we feel this way. I don't want you to think that I'm not without empathy. For us, let's talk about why this happens. Let's just touch on this briefly. We might not even realize how much this is programmed into us. You know, for many women, our self-worth is often tied to our role as caregiver, as nurturers. And that leads to the guilt we talked about when we prioritize ourselves. And some people derive a psychological reward from putting themselves last. that is often rooted in deeply held beliefs about self-sacrifice and the value of prioritizing others. And we all put the needs of others before our own occasionally, of course, but there's a term for this in psychology for people who do this to an excessive amount while ignoring their own needs. I looked up this term. It's called the self-sacrifice schema, and that is a belief system where individuals prioritize other needs over their own, and it often stems from childhood experiences where emotional needs were unmet. When your needs were unmet in your childhood, in your development, that can result in living this life of continuing to be selfless, suppressing your own needs and your own emotions. And that suppression can lead, guess what, to anger and resentment and frustration, particularly when you can't ever feel appreciated enough for your efforts. If you're living this way in martyrdom, in self-sacrifice, it is very very difficult not to eventually experience some kind of resentment for that. But whether we have a deeply held rooted in childhood experience, I'd say all of us probably sometimes find it easier, even safer, to help others over helping ourselves. And as I said, sometimes our conditioning leads us to believe that our value is directly tied to our ability to care for others. And that makes that self-sacrifice feel rewarding in the moment, even if it comes at the cost of personal well-being. And then there's this blindness to our own needs. Have you ever said to yourself, I don't even know what I need? When we feel that, when we feel paralyzed by uncertainty about our own needs, that actually allows us to avoid taking action altogether. never stopping to assess our own needs. That's avoidance. And I get it. Our many, many responsibilities, our many, many demands on our time can leave little room for personal reflection, right? It's not like, oh, I think I'll just stop in the middle of running everybody else around and getting to work and getting that deliverable done. I think I'll stop and and I'll sit on a mountaintop and I'll reflect on my own needs. But listen, if we're being honest with ourselves in this context, neglecting our own selves, it can become a coping mechanism to avoid confronting our own emotional challenges, our stressors, and it can lead to the behaviors that we do that continue to drive us mad, like over consuming alcohol or food or Netflix, whatever it may be. Never stopping to assess our own needs is avoidance. Let me share one more angle with you and that is our relationships. When you are not taking care of yourself, do you think that doesn't impact your relationships? So many of us are self-sacrificing and giving our time and taking care of everybody else because we think that's the best way to show up as a spouse, as an adult child, as a parent. Consider the implications of what happens when we prioritize ourselves last in those relationships. What's the impact on those relationships? We are demonstrating to our children how to be. We are showing them with our actions that we come dead last in partnership, poor self-care practices. Again, I'm not talking about bubble baths. I am speaking about taking care of yourself. When we do not do that, it can create an imbalance of power where one partner may feel overwhelmed or taken for granted. That doesn't go well. That can result in a really ugly dynamic that stifles your ability to connect, that stifles your ability to feel like you're both showing up in this thing. certainly it can create a hell of a lot of resentment. I would argue that investing in your own health and well-being and happiness and joy and fun allows you to show up as the best version of yourself and that fosters healthier relationships in every area of your life starting with yourself and of course creating a ripple effect throughout all of the relationships that matter to you. So let me ask you this, must we wait until we run into a wall to start taking care of ourselves? Must we run at 100 miles an hour into a brick wall before we stop, reassess, and take care of ourselves? So many of us wait until a significant event such as a health crisis or, you know, just a complete emotional breakdown before we reassess our priorities. This crisis, of course, can serve as a wake up call that force us to confront our neglect. But what if we didn't wait for that? Don't wait for that. We have to save ourselves. We are responsible for our own well-being and it is our responsibility to not wait until we run into that metaphorical wall that is our health, a diagnosis, a relationship crisis. You've seen it. You understand it. And speaking of waiting, waiting for something to be wildly different so that finally taking care of yourself will be easier, you're really just waiting for that catastrophe, that brick wall, that diagnosis before you change. Don't do that. We don't need to do that. Let's learn from the millennia of women who have preceded us. So yeah, we are responsible for our own well-being. No one's coming to save you, right? We have to save ourselves. And that means actively engaging in the things that we need, setting boundaries where we need to, and making choices that prioritize our needs instead of celebrating coming in dead last. I would even argue that taking care of yourself is a revolutionary act in today's world. Yeah, you heard me right. In a world that's conditioned women to put themselves last, to sacrifice endlessly as a sign of your value and to tie your worth to how much you produce or how much you give to other people, choosing yourself and understanding the premise that this is ultimately better for everybody, that's a revolutionary act. Think about it, we've talked about how we've been programmed by society to believe that our value lies in our ability to nurture. to care, to give endlessly, right? That self-sacrifice schema that we talked about, it is deeply ingrained. But here's the truth. The self-sacrificing mindset isn't serving us. It's not serving our relationships, our careers, our mental health. It's keeping us stuck in patterns of resentment, smallness, and burnout. And it's perpetuating a cycle where women are expected to do it all without complaint, without rest. by prioritizing your needs. You're saying, my needs matter too. You're modeling for other women, for your daughters, for your friends, that it's okay. It's essential to prioritize your own well-being. So in my view, when you take care of yourself, you're not just improving your own life. You're part of something bigger. You're pushing back against centuries of conditioning that have told women to ignore their own needs. And you're contributing to a cultural shift where women's well-being is valued and prioritized. This matters. So the next time you feel guilty for taking time to yourself, remember this, your self-care, it's an act of rebellion. You're a revolutionary. It's a statement that you matter, that your needs are valid, and that you deserve rest and joy and fulfillment. And I'll say it again, a little bit of fun. So how are we going to do this differently? Like what does this look like in our lives? Let's talk about some actual strategies for change. The very first thing that we have to agree to is that we will stop ignoring the signs. We will develop some self-awareness about our own stress levels, the signs of burnout, before we reach a breaking point. We will be honest about our mental and emotional well-being with ourselves, and maybe even with a few people closest to us. We will stop shutting off all of the inward-looking activity. We will stop disassociating from our bodies, and we will dial in. Let's agree also to setting some boundaries to protect our time and our energy, to learn how to say no to low value tasks. I have a couple of books actually that are really useful in this regard and I will share those with you if you like. I'll put them in the show notes. I want us to ditch the all or nothing mentality, you know, the one where you have to eat whole 30, work out five times a week, take every single supplement known to man and sleep for 12 hours a night or do all. Sorry, but that's a cycle that keeps us from making changes. That's a way we let ourselves off the hook is we're like, oh, I couldn't do 112%. So I think I'll do zero. That's avoidance, that's an excuse, and it's entirely made up. Pick one action a week to prioritize your needs. Just try that. Start with the smallest step that you can. Set a boundary. Say no to a low-value activity. Identify what actually fills your cup and do more of that. Go to that practitioner that you've been putting off contacting for months. Set that acupuncture appointment. Get your blood work done. Hell, take a walk five times this week or commit to having an uninterrupted 20 minutes of coffee and journaling in the morning. Something. Pick something and practice that muscle. And most importantly, give yourself permission. Listen to this again if you need to. Give yourself permission to rest, permission to say no, permission to put yourself first sometimes. We are going to challenge those guilt triggers together. Remember, we're a movement. We are going to identify them. We're going to recognize them when they come up. And we're going to challenge that thought in our head before it becomes a feeling that becomes a deeply held belief that we are guilty of crimes every time we aren't putting everyone else's needs in front of our own. Our new belief? It's that our needs and prioritizing our needs is an act of self-respect rather than selfishness. One more thing. Say aloud every damn day. I am not the exception. Why does everyone else deserve to be taken care of but not you? Challenge that, please. You are not the exception. This is not a nice-to-have, taking care of ourselves, our wellness, our well-being, our mental and physical state. It's not a nice-to-have. It's a requirement if you want to be a woman of impact in this world, if you want to have healthier relationships, if you want to not run into that brick wall, if you want to set an example for others. It's not a nice to have. And here's the amazing part. When you start taking care of yourself, every single area of your life improves. Your relationships get better because you're not a resentful, exhausted mess. Your work improves because you have the energy to focus on that at that time. Your health improves because you're actually paying attention to it. You are not the exception. It is time to break the cycle of self-neglect. It is time to show up for yourself the way you show up for everyone else. And it is time to set an example for everyone around you. I challenge you to a revolutionary act this week. I challenge you to identify one thing that you have been putting off for yourself and go do that. Let me hear from you. Okay, if you enjoyed today's show, please share it with someone you care about. And be sure to check out our new YouTube channel and head to onairella.com for today's show notes. You can also learn about how to work with me there, onairella.com. And I would love to hear from you, so if you DM me on Instagram, I promise I will reply. P.S. All the links you need for us to connect are right here in your podcast app in the description for today's episode. Check them out. Thanks for listening and thanks for inspiring me. You are, quite simply, awesome.
