Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:03:25 Why Stories Matter

00:05:23 Four Elements of a Good Story

00:09:28 Be Natural ... But Have a Plan

00:17:16 USING WITTY BANTER IN BUILDING RAPPORT

00:22:35 Technique 2: Use the Element of Surprise

00:24:03 Technique 3: Sarcasm

00:26:25 Technique 4: Being Self-Referential

00:28:15 Banter Warnings

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• Though the real foundations of a good conversation are humility, curiosity, and open-mindedness, it’s still worth learning how to tell engaging and entertaining stories. Storytelling is human, and anyone can be a good storyteller. But a story’s value is in how it’s perceived by the audience.

• The best stories have an attention-grabbing hook; they’re short, precise, and have a relevant emotional core. In conversation, a story is meant to create connection and rapport, not showcase you as interesting. Prepare somewhat by building a story “library” beforehand, then use natural transition phrases such as “You know, that reminds me of . . .”to introduce the story. Remember that telling a story is still a kind of conversation.

• Witty banter is playful, clever, amusing conversation that speeds up rapport and builds closeness very rapidly. Anyone can learn to banter as long as they follow the rules: start small and build, banter WITH someone, not AT them, and a little goes a long way.

• Self-deprecating or self-referential humor helps you drop your ego and shows strength and maturity, putting people at ease. Be brief and very obviously exaggerate something you’re actually comfortable with. Be unexpected and use the element of surprise to grab attention and create spark and spontaneity. Flaunt conversational norms with playful sarcasm. The focus is always on building rapport, not on entertaining or impressing people.

#AndyRichter #Banter #Sarcasm #ScottYoung #SelfDeprecatingHumor #Selfdeprecation #Selfreferential #WITTYBANTERINBUILDINGRAPPORT #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #MakeFriendsEasily #TurningOnTheCharm

Only once all these things are established is it worth thinking about how you’re going to talk, tell stories, or make jokes. Stories and anecdotes are like the icing on the cake—but you really do need that cake! Okay, so, let’s start with an obvious question. Are you a good storyteller? Perhaps you’ve heard an amazing joke that made you die with laughter, and yet, when you told it, the whole thing fell flat. Maybe you find that people always seem bored and distracted when you’re relating a story, or that you’re frequently interrupted. Perhaps you’ve just stopped trying to tell jokes at all, certain that you’ll only mess them up. Let’s get one thing straight: Anyone can be a good storyteller.

Including you! You do not need to be the most fascinating person in the room, a standup comedian, or an extrovert. You don’t need to be funny or a rock star or fake. But, telling a good story is an art, and it seldom happens by accident. Here are the elements that every good story has to have: a hook, brevity, a point, and plenty of feeling. Why Stories Matter Author and programmer Scott Young recounts this charming story on his blog: It had finally happened. Scientists traveled from around the globe to marvel at it. We had finally created a computer that was as powerful as the human brain.

It could calculate numbers at a blurring rate and engage in human dialog. There was just one question remaining. Was it just a big calculator or could it actually be conscious? The scientists decided the best test would be to ask the computer itself, “Are you conscious?" Upon receiving the request the computer processed continuously for hours. Hours became days, but after an entire week the computer had arrived at an answer. The scientists huddled around the screen to see the reply. In bright green letters on the screen, the computer wrote,“You know?

That reminds me of a story ... ” This is kind of a fun meta-anecdote—a story about stories. It tells us that there is something fundamentally human about storytelling, that it characterizes our consciousness and ability to think. What’s more, it’s relational—a story is about communication, connection, understanding. A story is something we tell; it’s a path we follow ourselves and invite others to follow. Unless someone else is coming along with you for that journey, you’re not telling a story but monologuing. That’s why it’s important to remember that your story’s value is in how it lands and how it’s perceived. It’s never just about the content, but the style in which that content is delivered, to whom, and for what purpose. Four Elements of a Good Story A Hook Writers of all stripes know that a reader’s attention is not a given—they have to catch it.

It needs to be earned and then maintained. A hook is simply a reason for your audience to pay attention. A hook is something sharp and interesting that snags their awareness. It might not feel fair, but other people are not naturally inclined to listen to you; you need to give them a reason first. Brevity The best stories are short. Only try to remember what it’s like to listen to someone drone on for fifteen minutes telling a story that could have been conveyed in two minutes and you’ll know why being concise is so important. Sometimes, people can get nervous and try to fill up empty space or keep talking so that others will keep listening. It backfires.

If you tell a story littered with unimportant details, you can’t blame your audience for assuming that only some of what you say will be interesting, and that they can safely ignore you half the time! Don’t fall into this trap. If you have a funny anecdote that happened at a ski lodge, there’s no need to begin the story with the reason you were there in the first place, or how much your flights cost. Precision Do you have a point? This may sound strange, but many people open their mouths to speak and share a story with very little understanding of what they’re ultimately trying to say. It’s a very quick way to bore, alienate, or even offend people. If our contribution doesn’t add anything and people can’t see how it connects, they’ll assume something unflattering: that you only spoke to hear yourself speak. Your story doesn’t need to be a perfectly outlined essay, but it does need to have a main point.

It needs to have a reason for being told, and that reason needs to be clear and obvious to everyone who hears the story. There needs to be a clear payoff, and this needs to connect somehow to the flow of the rest of the conversation. This ties in to the previous section—one surefire way of taking too long to tell a story is to not really know what your story is about. Nobody likes listening to someone for five minutes only for them to forget the punch line or lose track of what they were saying. Similarly, nobody wants to stop the flow of the conversation so you can tell a tale that doesn’t relate to anything that came before it. Feeling What’s the purpose of a good story? In conversation, a story is meant to create connection and rapport. And the way it does that is through emotion.

Without feeling, it’s not a story—it’s just data. When you share something, your goal should be to create an emotional impact for the listeners. Everything else comes second—the concrete facts are not as important as the feeling they create in the listener. For many stories, the main point is the emotion created—whether that be the absurd and hilarious punchline, the shock of an unexpected situation, or the feeling of validation that comes with hearing a story that confirms what you already suspect to be true. Just make sure that you’re not just rattling off a list of facts. Tell your listeners why it matters. Make them experience the story emotionally with you. That said, one word of warning: don’t react more to your own story than the audience does.

You want them to have the experience, not watch as you have it! If you go back and read the short story earlier in this section, you’ll see how neatly it ticks all four of these boxes. Be Natural ... But Have a Plan You already know that it’s important that conversation remain open-ended, natural, curious. You want to remain alert and alive to possibilities as they evolve in a conversation. At the same time, however, there is some skill required to tell good stories. It may take a little preparation and forethought at first, but practice makes it more automatic. Step 1: Build a library of stories The way to make sure you have a good story to tell is to have a big collection ready to go. Then you can pick something that fits the occasion, without it seeming like you rehearsed ahead of time.

Don’t doubt people’s ability to spot a pre-prepared tale that you’ve tried to wedge in! If you’re super organized and want to be methodical, you could even keep a written record of these stories in a spreadsheet. In one column, note down interesting experiences you’ve had that you think others can relate to. You probably have dozens of them—for example, moving house or taking a gap year after high school. In the next column, brainstorm some specific examples that illustrate your experience. Think of a crazy story that happened on moving day or about an unusual place you took your gap year. In a third column, think carefully about what these stories might say about you as a person, and how you might like to tailor them to send a particular message. For example, you might like to run with a story about how you went to Mongolia when you were nineteen because your stories from that time paint you as a spirited young person who was up for adventure.

In a final column, boil down the essence of what makes each of these stories special and meaningful. How has your Mongolian adventure influenced you today? You might find yourself in a conversation with someone at a networking event, and they start talking about taking risks in a new business. You practice all your usual conversational skills, but you also deliver a quick, one-minute story about your time in Mongolia. In just that minute, you let the other person know you heard them, but also shared something of yourself and cultivated a particular image of how you’d like them to see you—for example, brave, daring, and unconventional. If you’ve ever wondered why some people just “click” socially, often it comes down to a powerful, well-placed story just like this. Taking time to think about these aspects will also make sure you are never telling stories over and over again without a good idea of the point or the overall emotional impact. With this library prepared, you are ready to contribute meaningfully to a conversation.

People who are bad at this tend to have a library as well, but it’s not properly organized. You’ve probably noticed how some people look for any opportunity to launch into a favorite old yarn of theirs, whether it fits or not. One final caveat: try to keep tabs on who you’ve told the story to, or just ensure that you’re keeping things fresh and never getting stuck on the same one. Step 2: Use natural transition phrases With good friends, stories flow naturally and easily. With people you’re less familiar with, you might need a little help to ease things along. Use a transitional phrase to help you introduce the fact that you’re about to tell a story. For example: •“You know, that reminds me of ... ” •“I remember when ... ” •“That makes me think of this one time when ... ” Here we see one good reason to listen—it tells you when there’s a natural space to introduce your story. You don’t have to make a big deal of connecting what you’re about to say to what’s come before, but make a cursory connection so that people don’t feel you’ve just abruptly changed the topic to speak about yourself.

Step 3: Keep practicing It takes time to become a natural, confident storyteller. You need daily practice out in the real world. The trick here is to remain open-minded and curious and to not let nerves or lack of confidence get in the way of you putting yourself out there. Think like a scientist and try out different stories and ways of telling them, and then see what happens. Adjust as you go along. •Notice people’s body language and facial expressions—it’s very obvious when people are enjoying your story and when they aren’t. •When in doubt, be shorter and more concise. You could even tease with an outrageous statement or a half-story and have other people so curious that they demand you tell them the rest of it.

In fact, some of the best storytellers do precisely this and deliver something odd, surprising, or hilarious as their hook. They are then guaranteed of people’s interest as they explain further. •If someone says “You’ve told me this before,” then stop the story. Consider this valuable feedback. •Watch comedians and the way they deliver stories. Note how they take their time, how they present the most important pieces of information, and how they use their bodies, facial expressions, and voices to convey the meaning. A good storyteller can describe a whole world of meaning with a lifted eyebrow or a telling pause. That’s because they’re paying attention to the audience’s responses and playing off them in real time.

Just because your story is fixed and semi-rehearsed, it doesn’t mean that you can’t adapt it in the moment to suit the occasion. Telling a story should still be a conversation! •Don’t interrupt someone else’s story, especially to tell your own. Don’t follow up on someone else’s story by essentially telling the same one yourself. Does your story move the conversation forward somehow? Or is it just a way for you to say “Me too! That also happened to me”? If so, save the story for a time when it can really shine.

•It goes without saying, but avoid stories that make other people look bad, boastful stories, or stories that may make people feel uncomfortable for any reason. •Be aware of your audience. Your creepy ghost story is the perfect thing for a casual night in with close friends, but completely the wrong choice for a more professional get-together with people you don’t really know. •Finally, realize that you don’t have to tell stories at all. Remember that rapport can be achieved perfectly without it. If you don’t yet feel comfortable, or if you notice you become inauthentic, just shelve storytelling for a while. Anyone can learn to be funny and entertaining, but you don’t need to be to make friends or have amazing conversations. USING WITTY BANTER IN BUILDING RAPPORT When was the last time you really “clicked” with someone?

Maybe you had a good vibe going, or maybe there was even some flirtatious energy. Things felt alive and exciting and lots of fun. What was actually going on for you in that moment? And can it be recreated at will? Call it witty banter, chemistry, connection, or rapport, but in this chapter we’re looking at the special quality that makes some conversations feel like they’re sizzling and popping. With wit, humor, and relaxation, you can disarm people, ease tricky or awkward situations, and come across to others as majorly likeable and charming. Witty banter is that playful, clever, amusing type of conversation that feels like it supercharges interactions and speeds up rapport. In other words, it’s magic gold dust that creates intimacy and closeness very rapidly.

Not only does the connection feel fantastic, but you will seem to shine in the other person’s eyes. That’s because witty banter conveys a sense of relaxation, confidence, ease, strength, and resilience. It’s the habit of people who are healthy, self-possessed, in control, and interesting. It’s potent stuff! If you think that this kind of charisma is something you have to be born with, take heart. You can learn. While it’s true that banter is an art that takes practice, it’s something that will only improve the more you work with it. There are clear techniques that you can use consciously: Platonically “flirting” Being mildly sarcastic (within reason) Being self-deprecating Saying something goofy or unexpected Teasing in a lighthearted way Laughing at a situation Being playfully self-referential (more on this one later) However, all of the above can flop spectacularly if they are pitched incorrectly.

Light sarcasm can become hurtful sarcasm, goofy can become weird, self-deprecating can become a bit sad, and so on. That’s why there are a few golden rules of banter: 1. Start small and build 2. Banter WITH someone, not AT them 3. A little goes a long way Technique 1: Self-Deprecating Humor When you poke fun at yourself, it’s like you let all the anxiety out of an interaction. Deliberately dropping your ego a little shows strength and maturity and puts people at ease. Not taking yourself too seriously is ironically a display of poise and self-possession, and people trust and like it when it’s genuine. What’s genuine, you ask? Well, if you’re really insecure about something, don’t try to make a joke about it or people will rightly feel uncomfortable and wonder if you’re fishing for compliments. The best way to laugh at yourself is to be obviously, hilariously over the top. In an old episode of The Tonight Show, Conan O’Brien makes fun of himself in front of his guest Andy Richter, saying, “I think on TV I come across as a mean little punk, but in real life, I’m actually very large, tell them, very attractive."

He then playfully gestures for Andy to confirm his ridiculous claim, and Andy picks up the thread and runs with it, starting a conversation in which they both playfully tease and insult one another. Self-deprecation works here because while it’s slightly rooted in reality, it’s also quite obviously overblown. When you self-deprecate, try to: •Keep it brief—going on and on can start to seem strange •Exaggerate and be very, very obvious—for example, “Man, even the cockroaches are telling me to clean up my flat already” is pretty funny, but “My poor mental health makes basic hygiene difficult at the moment” is just awkward and sad! •If you can, use self-deprecation to remove some tension from the situation. For example, when a clearly stressed-out job interviewer asks you, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” you could quickly quip, “Well, I would say my biggest weakness is listening." It’s unexpected but pretty disarming ... •Make a self-deprecating joke, then wait. See how it’s received.

If people aren’t really enjoying it or extending the joke, don’t make another. Technique 2: Use the Element of Surprise Charming conversation feels special because it’s so different from the boring same ol’ same ol’ that most of us go through in rote conversations. Be unexpected and you immediately grab people’s attention and create a little moment of spontaneity—and in that moment you could light a little spark of connection and intimacy. With self-deprecating humor, exaggeration is a great tool, but you can also distort things by inverting them or connecting two seemingly unrelated ideas to create something fresh and even amusing. The effect is to make you seem intelligent, funny, and switched on. In a speech by former US president Barack Obama, he makes a point about the complexities of the different governmental agencies, but does so by associating two things that aren’t usually connected, and in an unexpected way: Obama: “Twelve different agencies deal with exports. There are at least five different agencies that deal with housing policy [... ] Then there’s my favorite example. The Interior Department is in charge of salmon in freshwater, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater [pause].

I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked” (the crowd laughs). Technique 3: Sarcasm Sarcasm is defined as “the use of irony to mock orconveycontempt." However, when used in witty banter, sarcasm is not at all intended to convey contempt, but rather to issue an invitation for the other person to play. On the face of it, you can be sarcastic simply by saying the opposite of what you mean, or the opposite of what is clearly the case. It’s a form of exaggeration, and it also employs the unexpected because it playfully flaunts typical conversational rules. If you’re known for being a chocoholic, for example, say, “Oh, you know me, I can’t stand the stuff." If you’re freezing to death, say, “Hey, can we open that window a little wider, please? That howling gale outside is really so lovely and refreshing."

If someone is asking you a question, say with a deeply sincere expression, “I cannot tell a lie ... ” and then proceed to tell a very obvious and ridiculous lie. The moment you make a sarcastic remark, you invite people to stop, pause, and take a closer look—to see if you’re serious. It really should come across as a game. There is a split second after you say something at odds with the situation at hand where someone might flick their eyes in your direction or pause to try to understand what you mean. This moment is solid gold—smile broadly, say something sassy, or play deadpan, and the other person will realize a game is afoot. Congratulations, you are officially bantering! Take a look: A: (walks in with a broken leg) B: “Oh my God! Has something happened to your leg?!"

A: “Of course not. I just thought I’d look kinda cute wearing a cast." B: “Got it. It does really bring out your eyes." A: “Oh, do you think? Thanks, darling. You should see the bruise underneath; it’s this really sexy shade of brownish yellow." In this case, B gets the playful sarcasm and responds in kind.

Instant banter! Technique 4: Being Self-Referential Wit and banter work, as you are probably starting to notice, because they play with and subvert the ordinary conversational conventions. One clever way of doing this is to quite plainly “break the fourth wall” of the conversation and draw attention to the fact of the conversation itself. This is less confusing than it sounds and happens frequently when people are flirting, platonically or otherwise! A: “Well, here I am! So what are your other two wishes?" B: (laughs) “Oh, wow, that was a terrible pick-up line." A: “Wait, hang on, a pick-up line?

Woah, woah, woah, I’m sorry, ma’am, but are you coming on to me? Awkward ... ” B: (still laughing) “Okay, be honest, has that whole thing ever worked for you?" A: “Well, I have a beautiful girl trying to chat me up, so I suppose it’s working just fine!" In this (admittedly cheesy to the max) exchange, the banter rests on the fact that both people are aware that banter is in fact going on. They are directly referencing the fact of pick-up lines and making the invisible visible. They are pointing to the conversation and deconstructing it. You can do the same any time you consciously refer to the conversation itself and make that the source of the joke. When someone’s giving a serious speech and says something like, “Well, I suppose this is the part where I share a heartwarming anecdote about my childhood ... ” that is ironic and self-referential.

Add in a little self-deprecating humor or sarcasm and you have the makings of witty banter. Banter Warnings Banter can go wrong. Keep the following in mind to make sure you’re not sticking your foot in it: •Keep body language open, relaxed, and fun. Smile or do something deliberate to show you are joking, like wink or pull a silly face. •Less is more. Keep things open-ended and don’t keep trying the same tack if people are not responding to it. •Don’t plan things; be spontaneous. The best comebacks and one-liners often don’t make a lot of sense, so don’t worry about being logical or clever!

•Avoid “negging,” which is insulting someone to put them on the defensive so that they are more receptive to your advances. It’s weak and manipulative—and you can go way further without it. •Teasing can be funny, but take a light touch. When in doubt, it’s always best to tease yourself. •Don’t try bantering with strangers; the risk of offending them by accident is just too high. •Avoid the obvious controversial topics. You’ll have more luck with the everyday relatable topics. •Never give an underhanded compliment (“Oh, I love how you don’t care what people say about you!” or “Wow, your house is so lovely when it’s clean”).

If it takes too long for the other person to work out your true intention, they’ll default to assuming you really do mean to insult them. Try always to keep banter playful, light, and silly. The big focus is on building rapport, not on entertaining people or making sure they see you as clever or interesting. Banter should be like play—and that means the other person needs to be having fun, too. The end game is fun, connection, and relaxation—keep that in mind and banter will soon start to come more naturally for you.