Feeling exhausted from always having to be the crutch for others ?

Well, my dear friend here is what you can reflect about and can do

• do you identify as a healer and rescuer ?
• did you grow up in an environment where you had to be of emotional support for others at a very young age?
• what does love mean to you ?
• what is your relationship with boundaries ?

With much love

A.

I’m very excited to guide you closer to your real, authentic self. My vision is to support your growth.

This is a place where you can recharge your batteries, reconnect to yourself, 

really get to know yourself and find out what steps you can take to untangle

yourself from a situation you don’t wish to be in. I invite you to get to know yourself better in order for you to make the right choices for yourself in the future.

Learn more at

www.auroraeggertcoaching.com

Join the Yurt Experience -Yoga Classes and Coaching here 

https://app.ubindi.com/Aurora.Eggert

https://auroraeggertcoaching.com/the-yurt-experience-pincher-creek-ab-canada/?frame-nonce=ee3276b5d1&amp=1 

Free yourself from the ongoing destructive inner chatter become the strongest most authentic version of yourself.

Let’s dive in and find out more about this juicy topic that will most likely affect you in one way or another. 

In this episode and many other episodes I touch on topics that I usually work on with my clients. Here in my podcast it will be targeted to a broad spectrum of people. If you'd like to go more into depth with a topic I address, reach out to me.

with love and much respect

Aurora

If you love what you learned, be sure to hit that follow button so you never miss a future episode, and make sure to leave a review to help me reach more listeners just like you looking to follow their inner truth. 

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Unknown: 00:00:03

Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience with

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your host Aurora, life coach and companion on this beautiful

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journey called life. I hope you're doing well, I hope you

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feel comfortable in your skin to help you feel safe. And, yeah,

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let's spend some time together and to reflect about some stuff

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to liberate us from weird thought patterns and belief

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systems, or for feeling just a little bit more relaxed, a

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little bit more confident with who we are. I want to make a

Unknown: 00:00:49

little disclaimer here at the beginning that I'm not a

Unknown: 00:00:52

healthcare practitioner. I'm not a professional healer. I'm

Unknown: 00:00:59

sharing my podcast here through experiences that I've made in my

Unknown: 00:01:07

life and lessons I've learned. And this is just for

Unknown: 00:01:13

entertainment, and yeah, to spread some goodness in the

Unknown: 00:01:20

world. But please don't make any changes when it comes to

Unknown: 00:01:23

medication. And see your doctor ask for professional help. If

Unknown: 00:01:30

you're struggling intensely right now, I'm hoping to make

Unknown: 00:01:39

you feel good. And that's kind of my goal here, but I'm not a

Unknown: 00:01:47

healthcare practitioner. So today's episode is being

Unknown: 00:01:54

inspired by a dear friend from Munich, a lady that I went to

Unknown: 00:01:59

school with. And I'm very grateful for this. She recently

Unknown: 00:02:05

became a sponsor of the show or a dear supporter. And yeah, I

Unknown: 00:02:14

feel very, very honored and blessed that she is in my life

Unknown: 00:02:18

and that she's supporting my little project here. And if you

Unknown: 00:02:22

feel like you are getting a lot of value out of this or just a

Unknown: 00:02:27

little value, please find the link in the show notes and

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support the show through an elder nation a subscription

Unknown: 00:02:39

writing a review or sharing with loved ones, it would mean the

Unknown: 00:02:43

world to me to be able to help more people during Yeah, weird

Unknown: 00:02:49

uncertain times. Alright, let's dive into today's episode. I

Unknown: 00:02:56

still don't know what the title is going to be. But I know the

Unknown: 00:03:00

content is gonna be about how much do you need to support your

Unknown: 00:03:09

friends emotionally and mentally and not only to your friends,

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but let's say loved ones people around you that you care about?

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How much do you need to take on? How much time do you have to

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schedule in to? Yeah, be a little therapist of your friends

Unknown: 00:03:29

and family was the question. And the first thing that came to

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mind and people who know me know this by now that I will never

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pamper you and your victimhood. I will always draw the mirror or

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draw the picture as I see it and hold the mirror in front of your

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face. Because this is how I learned best in my past and also

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present. And when it comes to supporting others being an

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emotional crutch for others, I want to tell you right now

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without beating around the bush, that it is not your job. It will

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become your job. If you allow it or even more importantly, to say

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if your ego or your whole being only fields worthy. When you can

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be a support to others. When you feel that you are rescuing,

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helping giving advice and that can sometimes come from the

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heart you know as a genuine, empathetic person. But sometimes

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even though it is very well meant it can be your ego your

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mind that I strongly identifies with being a helper in other

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people's lives, because maybe this is how you grew up as a

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little toddler. I'm gonna give you a little example here, let's

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pretend that Mia, a little girl grows up with her mom, single

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mom, and they don't have contact to the dad. And the mom is maybe

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struggling with a slight depression field slowly. But the

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child has her everything as her rainbows, sunshine, her you

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know, center of, of her life. So whenever little Mia senses that

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her mom is in a weird or bad mood, she starts becoming the

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clown, she starts entertaining the mom, she starts maybe baking

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or singing or telling jokes, because she wants her mom to be

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happy. So this little girl learns from an early age on that

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she is responsible for her mom's emotions. And what does that do

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to her little baby brain. Because it is a primary

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caregiver. And it is happening in a stage in life where the

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brain absorbs everything without filtering out, she assumes and

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makes conclusions about love, that might not be serving her

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and future adult life. So she assumes now that she is

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responsible for her mom's well being and emotional well being

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especially. And sometimes it feels like a job, sometimes it's

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a little bit too much. But it gives her a strong sense of

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belonging and makes her bond with her mom, because whenever

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she makes her mom happy, mom is happy. And when the caregiver is

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happy, you usually get your needs met. When the caregiver is

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not happy, you usually struggle to feel heard. And understood.

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So what this little girl learns is, she needs to be there for

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her mom as a little crutch, but also as, as a feeling of being

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loved and feeling seen. And she would take that into her adult

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life, and feel loved, and a sense of belonging with her

Unknown: 00:07:51

friends with her partners. Whenever they need her. Of

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course, they're gonna, you know, I don't want to say take

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advantage because I don't want to paint the devil out there.

Unknown: 00:08:06

Like I want to make you aware that it is within you that you

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can change this. Your friends and family will take your

Unknown: 00:08:16

support. Because this is what you offer. This is how you want

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to love other people. So if there's nothing else you have to

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offer, then of course, they will take that what does that to you?

Unknown: 00:08:32

Well, first of all, you might be attracted to people who need you

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who need fixing and rescuing and that never goes down well.

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Because once you fix them, they don't need you anymore in a

Unknown: 00:08:47

sense, or you feel unemployed in another sense. And with people

Unknown: 00:08:54

who are confident and independent you feel anxious and

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scared because oh my god I don't know my purpose in their life.

Unknown: 00:09:05

Like why would they love me if they don't need my support and

Unknown: 00:09:09

love and me being a crutch. So in a sense you trying to make

Unknown: 00:09:15

people independent from you. Because this is what you've

Unknown: 00:09:19

learned is love. But it is not my dear one and I had to I had

Unknown: 00:09:26

to learn it the hard way just like everything. I learned

Unknown: 00:09:29

everything the hard way. And this is also why I love my poker

Unknown: 00:09:33

poker so much because I got the feedback that I can give people

Unknown: 00:09:39

shortcuts to not, you know, linger and weird situation for

Unknown: 00:09:44

too long and I wish I had these tools 10 years ago. I really do.

Unknown: 00:09:50

But it's okay. It's okay. It's not too late. So, I want you to

Unknown: 00:09:55

look at yourself and really reflect about what what is law

Unknown: 00:10:00

out to you isn't feeling needed?

Unknown: 00:10:04

I hope that winter is not strong now. Is it? Is it a need of

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yours that you feel you need to be of support to others

Unknown: 00:10:14

otherwise, it's not a genuine friendship or relationship. This

Unknown: 00:10:20

wind is getting too strong. And to see it, like if you have a

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friend and they have a friend, and you observe how they relate

Unknown: 00:10:31

to each other, like I, when I started making that observation,

Unknown: 00:10:35

I realized that there was people in my friend's life that was

Unknown: 00:10:41

there only for entertainment purposes, they wouldn't never

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asked in depth questions, they would also not ask how my friend

Unknown: 00:10:54

is really doing, they would just go about their life and, you

Unknown: 00:10:59

know, spread their energy and be very entertaining. And I just

Unknown: 00:11:03

thought, huh, that's very interesting. So even if you're

Unknown: 00:11:09

not empathetic, if you don't carry around other people to

Unknown: 00:11:13

shit, you can be their friend. Wow. So that then made me

Unknown: 00:11:20

realize that me and my friends, we were constantly being each

Unknown: 00:11:24

other's therapists. Yeah, we would have fun on occasion. But

Unknown: 00:11:29

we would also use each other as emotional crutches. And this is

Unknown: 00:11:33

when I started going to therapy and finding a professional and

Unknown: 00:11:38

also hiring a mentor and a coach, and a yoga teacher. I

Unknown: 00:11:44

covered myself up with professionals, because I

Unknown: 00:11:46

realized that I'm first off overwhelming and burdening the

Unknown: 00:11:53

people around me with my struggles. And I'm not really

Unknown: 00:11:56

moving forward. Because, yeah, they give you great advice at

Unknown: 00:12:00

times, but sometimes also not so great advice. And once I

Unknown: 00:12:05

transitioned, like working on my stuff with professionals, I was

Unknown: 00:12:11

able to change my friendship dynamics, my relationship

Unknown: 00:12:15

dynamics. And that was, that was quite a change. Because at the

Unknown: 00:12:21

beginning, I felt like I'm unemployed, I can't be my

Unknown: 00:12:26

friend's therapist anymore. Well, that's great, because now

Unknown: 00:12:29

I have so much more energy. And as long as as what I was there

Unknown: 00:12:34

for support, they would also always rely on me. So as long as

Unknown: 00:12:39

you water your neighbor's garden, your neighbor is not

Unknown: 00:12:42

going to come up and you know, take the hose away from you that

Unknown: 00:12:48

your neighbor is going to enjoy that you water his garden, and

Unknown: 00:12:51

might even plant more plants for you to have more to water. But

Unknown: 00:12:56

as soon as you stop watering your neighbor's garden, he now

Unknown: 00:13:01

has to come up with his own schedule and time and energy to

Unknown: 00:13:05

provide for himself and the same goes emotionally, mentally, for

Unknown: 00:13:10

the people that you used to be a crutch for. They now realize,

Unknown: 00:13:14

holy shit, I gotta take care of my own life. Now, my friend is

Unknown: 00:13:18

not there anymore. She's, you know, enjoying her life and

Unknown: 00:13:22

wants to connect with me on a different level. How you, you

Unknown: 00:13:27

know, own up to my shit. Sorry for swearing so much. So, in a

Unknown: 00:13:35

sense, you enable people to use you as a crutch. If you strongly

Unknown: 00:13:42

identify as a rescuer, a helper, you know, an emotional support

Unknown: 00:13:52

person. But watch out how much you extend yourself because you

Unknown: 00:13:58

are giving energy away. And people would be better off if

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they came up with their own energy to help themselves. So to

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set graceful boundaries. And for next time when when a friend or

Unknown: 00:14:15

a family member comes to you and wants to unload everything on

Unknown: 00:14:18

you. You can start saying no in a kind way. You can start saying

Unknown: 00:14:28

you know what, I'm, I'm struggling like with my own

Unknown: 00:14:32

stuff right now. And it's really hard for me to give you advice

Unknown: 00:14:37

because I'm not in your relationship. I'm not in your

Unknown: 00:14:42

situation. I don't have all the insights and then when they try

Unknown: 00:14:47

to give you more insights. You then just say, No, I feel this

Unknown: 00:14:53

is too much right now. my nervous system cannot handle all

Unknown: 00:14:57

this information. And by saying these sentences, and you would

Unknown: 00:15:04

think, Oh, it's just words, but you feel so relieved and

Unknown: 00:15:11

empowered. And the other person might feel a little bit awkward

Unknown: 00:15:16

at the start. But they will also realize, okay, well, then I have

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to find somebody else or I actually have to reach out to a

Unknown: 00:15:25

professional. So the whole dynamic, sorry, dynamic of the

Unknown: 00:15:31

this relationship will change. As soon as you set these kind

Unknown: 00:15:37

boundaries. But the first thing that has to happen is your

Unknown: 00:15:40

awareness is who are you? And what did you strongly identify

Unknown: 00:15:46

with? And this is what my coaching is all about. And this

Unknown: 00:15:50

podcast is all about is, who are you? Are you your thoughts? Are

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you your feelings? Are you your past experiences? Are you with a

Unknown: 00:16:03

belief systems that you mindlessly copy and pasted from

Unknown: 00:16:09

your family and your, like society and culture that you

Unknown: 00:16:13

grew up in? Who are you? What makes you you? And how do you

Unknown: 00:16:20

choose to show up for yourself in the future? And for the

Unknown: 00:16:26

people that you love and for society? And what fields most

Unknown: 00:16:32

authentic? How can you reclaim that power that you had given

Unknown: 00:16:36

away, and now you blaming others around you, because they only

Unknown: 00:16:40

treat you as well as you treat yourself as cliche as this

Unknown: 00:16:46

sounds. But if you don't have boundaries with yourself, if you

Unknown: 00:16:51

cannot say no, if you don't have the discipline it takes to enjoy

Unknown: 00:16:58

freedom of time and freedom to be yourself, then people are not

Unknown: 00:17:05

going to do this for you know, even worse, it is going to feel

Unknown: 00:17:09

as if they take advantage of you, but they're not. They're

Unknown: 00:17:13

just treating you how you treat yourself. And you need to learn

Unknown: 00:17:18

and to find out who you truly are, in order to give people

Unknown: 00:17:25

kind of a roadmap directions to how you want to be treated and

Unknown: 00:17:31

talk to, and how you want to socialize, and how you want to

Unknown: 00:17:36

relate to the people that want to be in contact with you. And

Unknown: 00:17:42

this is the most beautiful journey to be on I am on it. And

Unknown: 00:17:48

it's it's enjoyable every day. And I help other people to walk

Unknown: 00:17:54

that path. And it is so exhilarating to all of a sudden

Unknown: 00:17:59

see people reaching a point where they feel oh my god, this

Unknown: 00:18:05

is me. This was me all along, but I didn't allow it. I didn't

Unknown: 00:18:10

want to see this because it creates discomfort and change at

Unknown: 00:18:14

the beginning and that's never fun. It's you know, it's it's

Unknown: 00:18:19

weird at times, but you will feel your sense of self more and

Unknown: 00:18:24

more and isn't that worth it? All right. I'm gonna leave you

Unknown: 00:18:29

with that. Also, if you live in Canada in Alberta and BC, I

Unknown: 00:18:34

highly encourage you visiting the yard to be part of the year

Unknown: 00:18:40

and experience member and to have a place where you can just

Unknown: 00:18:48

relax and be and you can share if you want to share or you can

Unknown: 00:18:52

just sit by the fire and do a little bit of gentle movements

Unknown: 00:18:58

and release tension and find a place where your mind can just

Unknown: 00:19:03

wander and curiosity and not worry and where you can make

Unknown: 00:19:08

sense of yourself and connect with people who are on a very

Unknown: 00:19:13

similar journey that's my my latest thing is to bring people

Unknown: 00:19:17

together who are on a similar path and to have them connect

Unknown: 00:19:21

and it's just yeah, very beautiful to be a space holder

Unknown: 00:19:25

like that. I'm gonna leave you with that was so much love and

Unknown: 00:19:31

care and if there is request for future podcast episodes, never

Unknown: 00:19:38

hold back. If you're curious about coaching and starting a

Unknown: 00:19:41

journey with me, it can be over zoom or in person reach out and

Unknown: 00:19:48

ask me all the questions that you have. And if you want to

Unknown: 00:19:51

stop by the year here in southern Alberta beaver minds

Unknown: 00:19:56

please stop by shoot me a message and We'll make time to

Unknown: 00:20:01

to get a little visit in alright take really good care of