Today we are living La Vida Loca with Evita Sawyers, author sensation and ENM inspiration. Real ENM isn't always pretty, but it's worth it in the end. Growth mindsets are make-or-break for relationships, as long time partners face the difficulties of changing with each other or being left in the dust.

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Metamour Than You Bargained for is a polyamorous podcast where we take stories from the internet and pour the tea on all of the drama. Polyamorous relationships are hard, but it’s not what pop culture and media makes it out to be. These are real people attempting to live their most authentic non-monogamous lives, as ethically as possible. It’s not always pretty, but it is so real. 

Stories are edited for time, privacy, and coherence. 

Content is copyrighted and reserved to Roll to Finish LLC. All opinions stated in this show are that of the individual rather than Roll to Finish LLC. 

Host - Lyn Lawless

Editor - Sloane Abbott

Audio Engineer - Kel Fernandez

Lyn: Hey y'all, this is Lynn from the future. I messed up. I didn't get Evita's audio in the normal quality that we would capture, so it's not going to be as polished as I would like. But, stick around, the content is great, and talking to Evita was so much fun. But, my bad, my bad, my bad. Ugh, here we go. Allies, enemies, and those yet unaligned, howdy and welcome to yet another episode of Metamour Than You Bargained For.

I am your host, Lyn-Lawless. On this show, we read stories from the internet and give our rather questionable advice. The twist is that everything's going to revolve around non monogamy in some way. My co hosts are going to be everyone from those seven year olds who have been swinging since the 70s to Gen Z'ers who are just trying to figure out how to have a threesome that does not suck.

On the mic today, we have Vida. Go ahead and tell us a little bit about who you are and where you are on your journey.

Evita: Hello, hello, hello. My name is Evita Loca Sawyers. I am a mother of three. I am a black, bisexual, non monogamous person. I've been ethically non monogamous now for about ten years. I started with swinging, interestingly enough.

Um, and then that blossomed into, uh, a broader sense or a broader practice of non monogamy that incorporates polyamory, that incorporates open relationships, um, and now I actually content create, I'm an author, I educate, teach, and speak on the concept of non monogamy and how folks can live this way successfully.

Honestly,

Evita: it was a challenge for me too, which is why I talk about it so much.

Lyn: And it's so affirming, like, I was just saying before we kind of launched into this, That I would really love for this show to be an opportunity for all of us to see that even though Polyamory isn't the struggle that we see every single day on TV and in media and in books It doesn't mean we're all going through super unique never before seen things.

We're all kind of dealing with really similar problems So the more we talk to each other and like build community the better we can approach all of those problems

Evita: I do believe that I think, you know, when we experience these things, they're very isolating and we tend to think that, you know, we're the only person that's going through this.

I also, at least, you know, when I first entered the community, there was a huge push to not talk about feeling jealous and to not talk about struggling with your partner's interaction with someone else. You know, you were very much, you know, expected to promote this image that it was just compersion all the time and that you were just really happy about your partner interacting with other people.

Um, and that was not my experience in the beginning. And so I felt very alone. Um, and then as I began to just talk about my experience, which is how I got started in the beginning is literally just talking about my experience and my movement through my process of my emotions, I would get these like, you know, inboxes, you know, from people going, Oh, my God, I'm so glad you talked about that because I was feeling the same thing too.

And I thought I was alone. And then I was like, well, if there are some, if there are other people out here, you know, that are feeling these ways, you know, why aren't we talking about it? Um, and so I just became known as the person who would actually be willing to talk about it and didn't feel a lot of shame or guilt.

You know, um, or embarrassment around essentially being human and being a human person who is very much polyamorous and is also very human.

Lyn: Yeah, and we're all growing and like seeing all of the like little nitty gritty steps in that growth, like the forward steps, the backwards steps, the side steps. All of it made me feel like my journey wasn't so shitty, you know what I mean?

Like, cause we can start from such bad places.

Evita: We can definitely feel like, I am just so bad at this, you know?

Lyn: Yes, like, when I first started polyamory, I made every single newbie mistake, you know what I mean? Like, I did it to try to save my relationship because I thought my, you know, my bisexuality was becoming too strong.

I needed to explore it, like, I just kept developing feelings for my femme friends. And kind of was like, hey, I need to be able to explore this and it started with an OPP and it started with unicorn hunting, but it very, very quickly started to change because I was willing to like put in that growth and that work and that effort.

But the person I was with at the time wasn't. So like

those contrasting journeys really started to get rough.

Evita: Yeah, I think that's a common experience. Um, initially, um, especially for people who like just did not have the opportunity to explore their sexualities before they found themselves in these relationships where they couldn't, you know, cause that was definitely my journey to is, you know, I had this, you know, burgeoning sexuality that had been suppressed for a very long time.

And then I was monogamously married to this man and I was like, okay, like, you know, this, these feelings aren't going away. They're actually getting stronger. And I also don't have a relationship that supports, you know, my, you know, kind of processing these things. Um, and, uh, and so we also started kind of very similar, you know, looking for the, um, you know, elusive, you know, elusive experience.

Um, and then, you know, it sort of evolved from that point.

I, I, I look back with so much shame, but at the same time, I'm like, but look how far I've come. Look at all the growth and effort I've put in to be where I am now. And to like, be willing to talk about all the things now. Because yeah, like, years ago in polyamory, it was very, no, you can't be jealous.

Lyn: You have to be compersion. You have to be kitchen table with everyone. And I do feel like our space has evolved a bit through that time.

Evita: Yeah, very much so. Um, you know, this elevation of kitchen table as a gold standard of polyamory. You know, um, uh, like you said, you know, everything is compersion. If you're not feeling compersion, you're doing it wrong.

You know, there was a lot of that. Um, and, uh, and, you know, those were some of the things that I actively began to like speak out against. It's like, no, um, you know, I don't feel compulsive, you know, I'm struggling with this. Um, I don't always, you know, like, uh, metamors and want to interact with them. And I want that to be okay.

Lyn: Yeah, it can be okay to not like someone. And there's so much stigma around like, well, why don't you like them? Why don't you like them? Why don't you like them? And it's like, that's not, that's not my thing to share with you. You know, like you have your own opinion of them. I'm not here to sully your opinion of them.

We're just here to exist in separate spaces, and that's hard for people. Okay, um, is there anything else that you would like to say before I start this little tea party?

Evita: No, I'm excited. Let's, let's, let's, let's pour the tea. Am I meta?

Lyn: More than you bargained for yet? All right, so the title of this one is, The partner closes the relationship because of me, allegedly.

So, I met a guy who's been in an open relationship for quite a time, like years, and started going out with him. In the beginning, it's going pretty well, but it started getting sticky because he omitted that he had a nesting partner. Oop, nope, uh

Evita: uh. Ooh.

Lyn: I didn't care about this information, but I was upset that he initially lied to me about it.

After that, he called me to go to their house. This was the first time that I saw his partner. The encounter went well, I was a bit shy because of the situation, but nothing really bad. The only strange thing was that she left the house in the middle of the afternoon. I only saw her again at night. I don't know if she wanted to leave us alone or was feeling uncomfortable.

After the encounter things started to get worse. I used to see him every week on Friday, but every week I invited him he had something to do and couldn't see me. I understand that, but I started to feel insecure about it. So I talked to him about it, and he told me that his girlfriend asked him to close the relationship, temporarily, because she started to get insecure because I was younger and beautiful, according to her words, and feared that he might abandon her.

The situation makes me really mad, because at no point was this discussed with me. I felt that my feelings about the situation were ignored. I tried to be comprehensive about the situation, though. I feel like they're using the Oh, is that the word they were using? I don't know. They probably meant

Evita: compassionate, I'm

Lyn: gonna

Evita: think,

Lyn: but Yeah, that's what I think the word they were going for.

I think they just like some big words, because then they go on to say But the epitome for me was in this week. I called him for my birthday party because, after all, I liked his company. I even said that if it's uncomfortable for them, she could come over too. But she said to him that she would be sad if he comes to my party and can't trust him.

This really makes me rage, because I tried my best to make things work for them, but I think her forbidding him from seeing me is a little too much. I don't know what to do, because I was hoping that I could engage in a relationship with him when their relationship opened up again. But, I don't know if it's gonna happen, and even if it's worth all of this happening.

Ah, they say, sorry, it's confusing. English is not my first language. Uh, and then they have a little edit. Uh, plus he said it's the first time she made this kind of limitation in their relationship. So it's what makes me think it's my fault. Hmm. Ooh, wonder.

Evita: There's so much there.

Lyn: I wonder if this is his first like, relationship though.

You know? 'cause you see that sometimes when like, PE couples open up, like one of the parties just kind of has some fuck buddies, but then they have like a more serious relationship,

Evita: right.

Or something where like the partner can tell like, oh, they actually really like this person in a way that like they haven't before with the previous people that they've interacted with.

Lyn: Mm-hmm .

Evita: It's, it's, it's like that moment when it, it gets real.

Lyn: Yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Evita: Where before, like, it kind of existed in the realm of like. Eerie in conjecture. Can we do this? Okay, you know, but it's like, oh, this is real. Oh, yeah. When it's actually real, you know, my partner is actually really connecting to somebody else.

There's a lot here. Um, number one is the lack of communication. So rather than saying like, Hey, basically, essentially her having to ask him about the change in his relationship that resulted in the change in how he interacted with her. Big red flag, um, His communication

Lyn: overall is tits to the wind.

Evita: Right. Also, her placing a lot of the blame on the partner.

Lyn: Yep.

Evita: Also, you know, a friend of mine says this, and we often say this in our circles, is there are no metamore problems. There are only hinge problems. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And so, you know, she can only place limitations on him if he allows those limitations to be placed.

So, her directing a lot of her ire at his partner. It's misdirected because, you know, she's just kind of doing her, but he's the one that's actually allowing her to be able to do that.

Lyn: He agreed to close up the relationship and then didn't communicate with her, you know what I mean?

Evita: Like, Right, exactly. And then, you know, so her, you know, her, her frustration with the metamor is misguided.

I mean, I get the, you know, Kind of feeling like, I don't understand why this person is feeling this way, but you know, he, it's his job to say, I care that you're feeling insecure. And I want to do the things that I can do to help you feel more secure in our relationship. But it won't, it's not going to be, you know, not continuing to see this person.

Also when couples do that for a period of time, we're going to close down. I'm like, you know, you can, but it doesn't really solve the problem of learning how. To move through discomfort and challenge and insecurity and all of those things while still maintaining other relationships and what it gives you is a start stop, you know, polyamorous experience where it's like, okay, we're going to interact with someone.

And then when someone feels uncomfortable, we're going to pump the breaks and we're going to pull back. And so it doesn't really give you an opportunity to develop the tools necessary to be able to move through discomfort, insecurity, all of those things while still maintaining your polyamorous or your non monogamous interaction.

Lyn: yesss

Evita: it also doesn't treat the people that you're engaging very well. It

Lyn: takes away their autonomy.

Evita: They also will now not feel security in the relationship with you because every time you're, you know, your quote unquote, primary partner has a wibbly. You know, they risk, you know, their relationship with you being jeopardized.

And so how could anyone be in relationship with you and feel safe?

Lyn: I, I'm, I've been told that this is a little asshole-y of me but I'm a big fan of exposure therapy in these situations, you know, like, hey, work with a therapist to make a plan to work on this stuff instead of running the opposite direction because this stuff isn't gonna go away,

you know, and like you can, I am really bad about intellectualizing my feelings and taking a step back feels like Making it too easy to intellectualize your feelings rather than actually feeling them and figuring out how to work your way through feeling them.

Evita: Yeah, you know, it, it, it, it robs you of the opportunity to, like, learn how to do it in real time, because every time things get scary, you run away.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: That's not teaching you how to do it, that's just not.

Lyn: Like, rather than being like, okay, let's close up our relationship. I would really love to see this couple instead be like, okay, here are the issues that she is having and here is a plan for how we are going to work on them in our time together.

And here's a plan for how she is going to make sure that she's okay when I'm away. A lot of people make the rules, like, Oh, if I have a bad night, you have to come home. You know, that kind of nonsense.

Evita: Right.

Lyn: So, like, figuring out a way that she has, like, a friend she can call, or, uh, you know, a therapist that she can call when he's out on a date or something.

You know, whatever she needs. to feel secure and safe and growing in those moments rather than succumbing to the fear and like curling in on herself and not growing.

Evita: I also, you know, something else that's jumping out at me too is if she would actually stop and think and examine I doubt that that person is making her feel less beautiful or old and, you know, lost.

That's probably something she was feeling long before that person showed up. Yeah. Um, and it wasn't until, you know, she observed him in this connection with this other people that she was like, it really was facing her in real time. But if she were to remove, you know, having seen him interact with this other person and just ask herself, was this something that I was feeling already?

It probably was.

Lyn: She got gobsmacked by her own comparisons. And

Evita: Mm hmm. And probably with something she was already feeling.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: Um, as it related to her relationship with her and with him and then rather than seeing this as an opportunity to go, Oh, I'm actually struggling to feel I'm struggling to feel as if your desire space for me is moving with.

The changes in like who I am as a person, because I don't think we think about, you know, our desire space in our partnerships, it changes and it shifts and I definitely becoming more, um, you know, acutely aware of that as I age. As I get older,

Lyn: I was just gonna say

Evita: I'm concerned that like, am I going to, you know, age out of, you know, my partner's desire for me?

Lyn: I, yeah, I was just gonna say that, like, this is definitely showing that I am further in my polyamory journey than, you know, a couple of years ago, for example, because the fact that this guy started on a lie is now it's an immediate, like, okay, good. Have a nice life. Bye. Right. And I

Evita: forgot about that. So I'm glad you brought that up.

Yeah. Like going back.

Lyn: Like, I can't believe she wants a relationship with this guy again. I'm like, I'm like, Fuckin hangin on by a thread, hoping that they'll open up the relationship again, hoping, you know, that, Oh, she'll show pity, and, you know, whatever the fuck it is, it's just like, no, he started this on a lie, his communication has been garbage since the start, and I don't wanna engage with that stuff anymore.

My days are too short for me to spend any of that time wondering if you're saying the truth, and if, like, there's layers that I need to be asking about because you're omitting, or whatever the fuck, I need to feel secure. Life's too short at this time.

Evita: Yeah, yeah. It's been red flag, one red flag after another.

It's been a red blanket, you know, honestly. And, um, the fact that she's still wanting this to continue, I'm a little like, okay, girl, but

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: I, you know, I feel like there's just going to, if you were to choose to continue in that relationship with that person, understand that there's going to be a lot of heartache along the way, and they may get to a point to where, you know, they mature in their non monogamy.

Um, there's a, a statement, there's a person that I follow on Instagram called Cindy Noir, and while they're not a non monogamous person, they said this thing once that I really, really loved, and they said that, you know, some people have this like, You know, identification around, you know, being the woman that a man healed for, you know, but what she said is, you know, one of the things about someone healing for you is that they're healing through you, you know, that through be through it.

And I find that sometimes in dealing with, you know, in polyamory, especially when you're interacting with couples that are new to it. It's like they may mature and develop and evolve, you know, in their relationship with you, but they're also going to do that through you and that through, be through it.

And I'm trying to not, yeah, not really super open for being some, like someone's development space to where they're developing through me because, um, that can be a very, very challenging and painful space to go through with a person. And I'm just kind of not interested in it, but you want to know what we all out here making choices with our time.

So that's a choice she wants to make with her time. She go right ahead and do it. Good luck. Godspeed.

These newbies got to get experience with someone and it's not going to be me.

Yeah, exactly. You know, love that for you. Okay. Wouldn't be me though.

Lyn: Yeah. Like I, as, as much as it is so stereotypical, I don't have the time for dating.

New to polyamorous people like I will be friends with them all day long I will talk them through their situations, but I can't get on that emotional rollercoaster. My neck hurts.

Evita: Yeah, I'm not so my last partner that I was with and we were together for five years He was new to polyamory when we met and it did give me pause.

I was like, mm hmm Unfortunately, you know in you know that circumstance he was very very good partner, you know for the period of time that we were together And, uh, and so like, it was one of those situations where I took a chance on someone that was new and it worked out well. But generally speaking, if I'm interacting with someone and I find out that they're relatively new to polyamory, it does make me incredibly leery, especially if they're in a, in a relationship too.

Like, especially if they have a partner. That's a big one to where if like a, if you're new to polyamory, but you're single or solo, I'm a little bit more open, you know, to, you know, seeing how things go. But if you're new, that's true. And you're in a relationship with someone and you're, you have an entry partner.

Mm-hmm. I will take plenty of time to see how your non monogamy works for y'all because that space is, is often fraught with a lot of, a lot of, a lot of fuckery. A lot of it.

Lyn: Oh yeah. And a pitfall that I like, I accidentally stumbled into is people who have been polyamorous for a while, but like one of the partners hasn't been actively pursuing it, you know, like, because everyone dates at different rates and things like that.

So, ugh, yeah, finding someone who's like been polyamorous for five, six years, but they've only seen their partner have one serious relationship in all that time.

Evita: Yeah, I always say that the only information that how long a person has been polyamorous gives you is how long a person has been polyamorous.

It gives you no, no, no, no, no, no guarantee that they doing it well, that they, you know, know how to make multiple relationships function simultaneously. All it tells you is so and so has been practicing polyamory for six years. That's literally it.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: Um, and often people fall into that trap of going, Oh, well, you know, this, this couple has been doing it for 10, 15 years, so I should be, I should be safe.

And then they find out that like, Whoa, wait a minute. You know, they've been engaging in a lot of, of really harmful practices in that 10 to 20 years or they, you know, they've stagnated. And they've not really grown some of what like, you know, we're seeing in this particular story is because every time things, every time things got uncomfortable or difficult, you know, one or both of them decided to pull back, you know, instead of seeing that as an opportunity to grow.

Lyn: Yeah. And, you know, just. The, the hinge or whatever, kind of acting like this is because of the girlfriend and stuff like that, like, again, no, you're going with it. You can't just blame your partner because you don't want to be the bad guy.

Evita: Oh, I hate when, when people throw partners under the bus, and it's like, well, I, I would go on vacation with you, but my partner, I would, you know, spend the night with you, but my partner, and I'm like, no, own.

Own your own your own choices that you know, I have chosen to support my partner by not agreeing to stay the night with you, you know, yeah, that's a choice that you're making and don't throw your partner into the bus and say, well, it's my partner. It's my partner. I would do this, but my partner is so uncomfortable with and it's like, okay, but you're making the choice to, you know, placate or their discomfort.

By not doing the thing, and so you need to own that, you know, own, take personal accountability for the choices that you're making to support your partner in that way.

Lyn: Yes, so much of that. I, ugh, if I could go back and give myself, like, two pieces of advice, one of them would be avoid couples, run, run, stop it, don't do it, um, but yeah, that would be high on the list as well, cause my god.

Okay, okay. I love how much we picked this little story two pieces. Uh, are you ready for the next one?

Evita: Absolutely.

Lyn: Hell yeah. So this one actually comes from the Am I the Asshole subreddit, so it's not polyamorous, but it's messy. So the title of this story is, Am I the Asshole If I Uninvite My Sister In Law Who's In Love With My Husband?

I want people to like, imagine this is like a metamor, or you know, like someone else within your polycule. Like, how would you handle inviting someone who is, like, in love with your partner to your wedding? Where would that be on the table to begin with, you know? And then, like, based on behavior, especially the behavior in this post, like, would that change?

So, am I the asshole if I invite my 32F sister in law, 30F, I'll call her Tina, from my baby shower because I think she's in love with my husband. Oh, it's a baby shower, not a wedding. Anyway, my husband, 33M, and I met each other at a ski lodge nine years ago when I was with my young daughter and a female friend with her child.

My husband was there with his two brothers and three sisters and a few friends. Let me just skip along this a little bit. Uh, there was a singing competition and both of us were set up by our friends to enter it. Sparks flew during our duet and the rest is history. But back to our first meeting. This was the first time that I caught on to my sister in law's disturbing behavior.

After the singing competition, he and I went to a cafe to chat. His middle sister, Tina, who was adopted. Sister in law what?

Evita: That's not even step sister, it's actual sister.

Lyn: The hell? His middle so, okay, let's go, let's give these people some names. So we got Tina, we We're gonna go Jean and Louise, make it easy.

Ha

Evita: ha ha! Gave to the Bob Burgers reference.

Lyn: Oh God. Make it extra incestual. So Tina, who was adopted at birth, , came storming up and demanded he come back to the group. She never looked at me and whined when he shut her down. She ran off crying and apparently took her sister's roomed key cards and locked them out.

And they had to stay with the friends in their room. Drama. Drama. So, fast forward, we bought a house together. We had a little housewarming, invited family, close friends. Tina showed up in a sexy club outfit. She ignored me the entire time and hung all over my husband, who was boyfriend at the time. Uh, she kept recalling tales of them when they were little and how close they were.

She'd kiss him on the cheek and hug him and touch his arm when laughing and He was visibly uncomfortable, so I stepped in. At first, I thought she had a crush on him, but by the way she was acting, it looked like she was the girlfriend, not me. She was going around reminding slash telling everyone that he used to say he never wanted to have kids, but now he's playing daddy to my daughter.

Whoop, Tina. One of my friends said she thought Tina was weird for talking about how hot his modeling photos were when he did print work back in college, and that her favorite photo of them was at a beach in Hawaii during a family vacation a few years back. The most bizarre thing she told a few people was that he had never dated a woman of color before, and now all of a sudden he's in love.

It's only bizarre to me because she's biracial, so I don't know why this would bother her unless she's jealous of me because she WISHES she were me? Things really go south at the end of the night when he gets down on one knee and proposes to me. She started crying and ran to the restroom. Their dad went to check on her and then drove her home.

I know exactly why she was upset, but my husband always equated her behavior to jealousy because she had never had healthy relationships. It could be. Sounds like a little emotional incest and maybe Anyway. After that tantrum, she skipped our wedding day, baby shower, our children's birthday parties, and other family events that we attended.

I was fine with extending invitations because I knew she wasn't going to show up. She had had some sort of mental breakdown and was in and out of treatment for years. Now, I have to say I wish nothing but the best for her, and I don't know what kind of issue she's going through, but I don't want her disrupting our peace.

I'm currently pregnant, and our baby showers at the end of the month. I'm having it a few months early because I am at risk of going into labor early, like I did with my other two children. Mother in law called to RSVP and stated Tina would be riding with them. And if it was okay if she brought her new boyfriend.

Hmm, okay. I was surprised because I hadn't seen her in years, but was apprehensive to agree. Eventually I did agree and hoped that she resolved whatever caused her so much distress when she was around the family. Well, it took about 24 hours for her to start her nonsense. She texted my husband paragraphs at 3 a.

m. telling her, telling him how she felt about our family. First she went on to say how much she missed them being close and how I came in and destroyed their close relationship when I had barely said 50 words to her in 9 years. You can still ruin a relationship. Less words, you can still ruin a relationship.

She asked him if he was happy with his life because, again, he used to say he never wanted kids or to get married. She then asked if he thought about her in all this time and if he could meet up with her before the shower and talk alone face to face. That was the last straw for me. I asked my husband if he knew that she was in love with him, and he just kind of shrugged and said he didn't doubt my theory.

I asked him if we could uninvite her and this new boyfriend, because I think she's just gonna bring brahm bring drama to our baby shower. He said he wants to talk with his parents first to see what kind of state she's been in, but I know in my gut she's ready to ruin this day with her theatrics. So am I the asshole?

Uh, so she does add an edit, she says, 100 percent certain that no intimacy happened between them, and he's not unopposed to inviting her, but does want to know what his parents think about her mental state. Okay. Okay. This is wild to me from the beginning, like, there would be plenty of people who would say, like, they're not blood related, so like, there's nothing wrong with this, but I am of the opinion that, like, they came up together as, like, little kids in the family together, and that's where I'm like, No, because

Evita: yeah, this is, um, there's a lot of cringe here.

This is our a lot of cringe clickbait. I am also curious as to why the parents haven't intervened. I think that while I don't, I believe very, uh, you know, pretty assuredly that like nothing, you know, no hanky panky. You know, went down between her husband and the sister, but I also don't think that he has probably been very decisive throughout their interaction by going, you need to cut this out,

you know?

Lyn: Yeah, you need to quit that shit

Evita: very clear that he has not been very boundaried with how she interacts with him, because if he had been, You know, she wouldn't even, people just don't try doors that they don't believe a lot, you know?

Lyn: Yeah, and it's, it's hard to put up boundaries with people that we already love so much, you know, because we don't want to alienate them, but we gotta do it.

We have to do it.

Evita: Yeah, you have to.

Lyn: And, oh my goodness.

Evita: And so, you know, to me, he, he let things go, get too out of hand over the years. And, uh, and then, you know, because the fact that she even felt emboldened to behave in these ways, to me, like, you know. Where did that come from other than you not putting your foot down and going, you know, this is inappropriate and you need to stop, you know, and in no uncertain terms.

Lyn: Yeah, because if they've like, if she's been acting this way kind of since they were 11, I'm wondering why the fuck the parents didn't get her into therapy and be like, Hey, this might be an unhealthy attachment. Let's get you to talk to a professional and, uh, work through this. Like, cause it's, you know, some kind of attachment something or rather like.

It is perfectly normal for people to, you know, like, develop feelings for kids that they're in the same grade with, yada yada. This transcends that. This is not that same issue.

Evita: Right. Yeah. So, um, I definitely think that, you know, this isn't just a she's loony type of thing. I think it's a everybody involved just being unwilling to address.

The elephant in the room. And now the wife is like, okay, like, what the heck am I, you know, marrying into here?

Lyn: But yeah, like it just, it felt like one of those things where in polyamory and whatnot, we often deal with people who are super into our partners and like, have known them since middle school and do the whole like, well, we should be together.

Cause we've known each other since middle school. We know all of our secrets and you know, like whatever type of ish they bring into that shit. This kind of like escalation that kind of happened figuring out if our partners are good at putting up those boundaries and keeping up those boundaries, like I can appreciate that the husband is being considerate of her mental health and stuff like that, but if he is that worried about her mental health, maybe he should be pushing her towards talking to a professional more, you know, or whatever it may be, like, if he is that worried about her, that he feels like he can't have a conversation with her, he has to walk on eggshells around her.

That is a bigger problem,

Evita: you know, to me used to be able to have that conversation with a person without being worried that they're so fragile that you may like, you know, break them in some way, you know, mentally, I'm like, if they're that fragile, then, you know, there should be other conversations that are being had, like, what kind of therapy are we getting them into?

Or, you know, what kind of healing modality pushing them towards so that they can, you know, move, arrive at more stability.

Lyn: So talking about being up front about our jealousy and our issues and stuff like that that we're working on Um, One of my ex partners, I know full well is going to be getting married to the person they decided to become monogamous with.

Mmm,

Evita: that's interesting. And,

Lyn: you know, we're still good. We're still friends, you know? Like, we de escalated. I am still very hurt, but that is, you know, something I'm working on. This person has given me a great opportunity to like, Talk through my feelings as they come up and like we've created this really great space where I can say today I'm mourning and then you know express an aspect of the relationship that I'm mourning on that day in particular It has made you know conversation a little more fraught in general But keep more healing, you know than just kind of trying to shove everything under the rug But what I'm getting to is I know that I cannot go to this wedding I know that about myself in my heart.

I, even if I don't try, you know, like, if I keep myself as calm as I possibly can be, and I just sit quietly, I'm gonna end up crying. I'm gonna, something's gonna happen, you know, I'm gonna cry, and I'm going to walk out so that I don't ruin things, and then people are gonna be like, why'd they walk out?

What's the drama? You know what I mean? I'm not gonna let any of that kind of energy go into this day that is going to be so beautiful and fulfilling for someone that I'm, I love, you know? And so, like Just the self centeredness of the way this person is approaching the way that they're in love bothers me on a deep level.

Evita: Yeah, I think sometimes we we can sometimes torture ourselves unnecessarily because we want to be what we think is a good person. You know, and so, you know, in the, in the situation, like how you talked about with your exes, you know, we tend, we sometimes think that, well, being a good person is being able to go to this wedding, even though I know that I'm going to have a lot of really big feelings that don't match, you know, what I feel like should be expressed on that day, you know?

Lyn: Yeah, and it's a big fucking beast face down, you know, it it it takes a lot and like it's uncomfortable because I want to be You know deep down. I really want to be that like shining inspiring wonderful polyamorous person. I want to be able to go and celebrate But I'm a salty little lemon right now and I got to work through that and I'm going to be an adult and not go fucking go to the wedding and ruin it, you know?

Evita: Yeah, I don't even see that as like a lack of evolution, you know? So, um, you know, I don't know all the particulars and like how it went down. Um, but to me, you know, why would I be able to get to a place? I'm very happy. That this person is making a choice, you know, that feels good for them relationally and whatever.

And also, I don't have to witness it. Especially because that choice inadvertently hurt me in order to do it, you know? I don't have to witness that. I see that as I'm protecting my peace.

Lyn: Yeah, and like, as much as, you know, as much as I'm protecting my peace, I'm also, like, trying to be considerate of theirs.

Because, you know, like, they are important to me at the end of the day, and I don't want to, like, ruin anything for them in any way. So, like As much as I was earlier talking about, like, exposure therapy and stuff like that, this doesn't have to be the If you know anything about exposure therapy, it's going up little bitty steps, you know, in safe and healthy ways.

Uh, this would be bad. This would not be a way to exposure therapy my way through these jealous feelings, these in you know, these, uh, insecure feelings that I have.

Evita: Mm. Yeah. I wouldn't I wouldn't do it. I I think we can sometimes Kind of self torture in polyamory and early on in my journey. I definitely did that and now I'm like, uh, Nope, I'm not self torturing.

I'm in polyamory trying to prove a point to myself or the community or you know partners or former partners or metamors like So I'm not doing it. So I'm you know, polyamory is challenging enough

Lyn: Oh, yeah, shock therapy, exposure therapy, uh, as long as you're doing it under the guidance of a licensed professional, uh.

Oh gosh, cause yeah, like, it's, it's, it's easy to get wrong, uh, okay. Anything else about this one? Uh, there is an update that I'm just gonna kind of like, skim because it's cringe, it's drama, but for anybody that wants a little more resolution to it, Uh, Tina blew up the husband's phone. Everything went wild.

In the end, they kind of upgraded their alarm system because Tina is a wild child of a soul that wants to jump up in the hole. I don't fucking know it's wild, but it's too much cringe. I'm over it. I want to move on to the next one.

Evita: Wow, so like I said, Godspeed. Okay.

Lyn: Good luck. Goodbye. Have a good one. Yeah, there's like Don't ever

Evita: give her a key to the place.

Lyn: Yeah, I know the update is a lot of more like little backstory stuff that is just like we get it. That shit's messy. We get it, y'all need space, everybody needs therapy. Husband apparently like sent her a long paragraph setting like a fuck off vibe, but it didn't go over well. Alright, alright, so our next post, it comes from off Reddit because I love the messiness of anonymous posts on Facebook.

Anonymous posting on Facebook is the most entertaining thing to fucking ever happen to Facebook groups. So obviously this one doesn't have a title, it's from Facebook, blah blah blah blah. Uh, I'm currently struggling with being the easy slash low maintenance low effort partner. In more than one relationship, I've been told how thankful my partner was that our relationship was easy, low maintenance, or low effort.

In most instances, it was meant as a compliment, but I've really been struggling with it. Through therapy, I have definitely learned that me being low maintenance is a defense mechanism. And putting the bar on the floor so that no one can let me down? Ugh, but damn does the work make these things blaringly obvious.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here, except maybe, if you're in a similar situation, how you addressed it. Because a previous relationship I had, it was a point of contention because I brought up constantly that they made minimum effort into our relationship. And they made it a point to say how flexible and low maintenance I was all the time.

A few months ago, a current partner said something similar and those feels came back up. It doesn't help that our main form of communication is text and that we're long distance. As of late, our communication has really dropped off, which I get, we can both be busy. But I've asked for more engagement and it's not happening, but they flirt with new people in the poly group posts, you know, so like, yeah, I don't know, it's just, I'm on the emotional struggle bus right now and I don't know how to stop being the low effort partner that gets a tad resentful.

I'm gonna say it, be the high effort partner. I have gotten so goddamn comfortable with testing people as soon as they even want a friendship with me. Just because I have, I, and this is a trauma response too, like, it's not any more healthy than, you know, what that, they're doing. I shouldn't be testing the people that come into my life, I'm aware of that, but here's where I am, okay?

When I, someone wants to be my friend or whatever, I will set a boundary that is mildly inconvenient to them and see how they react, you know? I will, I will be inflexible on one little bitty thing that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things just to see how they react to it. Because I am such a fucking people pleaser that I cannot get emotionally attached to users anymore.

I just can't.

Evita: Yeah, you almost kind of have to do that if you're not careful and you're not, um, like, like looking for this early on. You can, like, look up and find yourself in this relationship where you're people pleasing and your needs aren't being met. And you're constantly acquiescing to this other person and it's because you just didn't do your due diligence early on in the connection.

Lyn: Yeah. I have gotten myself, you know, dug into the dirt trying to just be the easy breezy cover girl, you know? Uh, and it fucking sucked. It was awful. But now I've found that, like, doing this little bitty stupid test Makes it feel so much safer for me to be my kind and giving and loving self with the people who deserve it.

I hate the fact that I have to test people. I don't want to be testing people. But that's what I have to do in order to preserve the vulnerability that I value so deeply.

Evita: Yeah. I tend to be a low maintenance partner too. Some of it I do have to examine my beliefs around feeling like if I, you know, am too needy or I want too much, you know, that a person will not want to, you know, keep me around.

And so there are definitely, there's definitely some work for me to do that there. Um, and then also, you know, one of my. The things that I love about being in relationship is I like to be a relationship space where people can just be and not feel like they're having to perform.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: You know, I really do like being a space where someone's like, you know, with Vita I can find rest.

Lyn: That is so important.

Evita: Yeah. And also, you know, if I'm not careful, it does tend to attract people that'll be like, that's all I'm going to do is rest.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: You know, and I'm not going to give you anything. I'm not going to try. I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to give you any, any, any, any energy. Oh yeah.

All I'm going to do is rest. You're going to take the reins. You're going to drive the relationship. You know, you're going to drive the connection and, you know.

Lyn: It has been so good in like polyamorous spaces and stuff like that, especially to be able to. Meet with these other giving people and these other kind people who like also then don't expect relationships because it's so easy to fall into like the trap of Being the kind and easy person and then being the like kind and you know, easy person like just giving in and other ways meeting people who aren't immediately gonna like take my giving nature as like, oh, you know, I don't know how to describe it.

But like seeing people show Up for us in like these little bitty fucking ways is so good And when it starts to drop off or when you know, like we see them showing up for other people Like we ask for more communication and then we don't get it But we see them like flirting with new people in the poly groups and stuff like that.

It sucks It sucks. It does.

Evita: It really does. And it's like, how do you have capacity, you know, to engage someone new, but you know, my needs are not getting met. And I actually just made a post about this saying, you know, you know, don't take on more partners than you genuinely care to meet the needs of.

Lyn: Yesss!.

Evita: Yeah. I love it. And you know, so many people, they take on more partners and they genuinely care to meet the needs of. Yeah. And so it's like, you know, here I am having this issue with you in our communication and asking for more and you know, you're not responding to that well and yet here you are showing up to, you know, potentially now granted some people do just like to flirt and that really is all it is.

You know, and they're wanting to engage in

that energy. So I think sometimes we can see our partners flirting with someone online and we're like, you know, you know, we immediately jumped to, what if they're trying to get in a relationship with that person or they're trying to date them and they could be like, I literally was just trying to flirt with that person cause I just like to flirt.

Yeah,

Lyn: and then there's also like the angle of like, why didn't they flirt with me? I definitely have had to deal with that because I've had,

Evita: I've had, my last few partners have been Libras.

Lyn: Hey, I'm a Libra! Yeah! That's my, that's my little fucking pothole. I fucking feel it because my immediate thought is like, Well, if you had the energy to flirt and you want to flirt, flirt with me.

I'll hype you up. I'll tell you that you look like a great god. Show me your, show me your wiener. You know, like whatever. If you want to get flirted up, let's go. Bring that energy over here.

Evita: Yeah, and I think that I'm very much a proponent of as well, like how are we flirting? Um, I think for some people it's a lot more about the new energy of flirting with somebody new.

Lyn: And I get that. I do, like on an adult level.

Evita: You know, what this is highlighting for this person is, you know, regardless of whether or not, even if they weren't flirting with someone else, would that make the fact that they're not getting their needs met more permissible? It shouldn't.

Lyn: And like, this is a time where you can take that space or you can try to take some space and be like, Hey, can we maybe redefine our relationship?

Like maybe, you know, talk about like deescalating back to a point where you're more comfortable and I have more realistic expectations of what this relationship is going to be because right now, you know, he's kind of like. Pouring from an empty cup in a way, you know, just like hoping the conversation will come back if they pour enough into it almost

Evita: right. But I think sometimes where I get frustrated is, um, in spaces where, you know, partners are like, Oh, I'm a low maintenance person. Is it like, well, number one, clearly you're not because you're in your feelings. Um, and number two, if you are not asking for what you need, that's a you thing, you know, now in this case, it sounds like the person was asking for what they needed, you know, or they did, you know, take a moment to ask for what they needed, but

Lyn: it's not getting met still,

Evita: but yeah, but it's very much as sometimes I find that, you know, you'll have, you know, like they said, they, they, they, they say, well, I'm a low maintenance person.

And then they have a lot of resentment about it. And I'm always like, okay, but like, You know, you have some identity wrapped up in you being a low maintenance partner and you know, that, like I said, that's very much a new thing because you could be more high maintenance you're choosing not to so, and you know, and then hoping that the reward, you know, that you get for you not being a high maintenance partner is by someone going, Oh my God, I just love that about you so much that here I'm going to meet your needs, even though you're not asking for them, but it kind of doesn't work like that.

You know,

Lyn: it doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't. You gotta be aware of your own needs and willing to communicate them, because people aren't mind readers, you know? As awkward as it is to be like, hey, my love language is touch, and I would really appreciate it if you gave me at least one hug a day, pretty please and thank you, uh, that, you know, if that's what I need.

Evita: Right.

Lyn: And that's all you need. You know, like, if all you need is one hug a day to feel secure in your relationship, but your partner is showering you with words of affirmation and giving you so many acts of service and it's just not hitting right, and they could just put their energy into giving you a hug instead with a little awkward conversation about, like, the truth, you know, what the love languages are instead of the, it's not a, it's not a Disney movie.

It's not a fairy tale where, like, they just know, they just know me so well. Knowing someone so well comes with time and effort and, like, openness and willingness and when they're asking, they're open and willing.

Evita: Yeah.

Lyn: I want this, I want this person to, uh, get the, what they need out of a relationship, it might just be that this person isn't what they need and, you know, time to move on and, with your next partner, set the immediate standard of not, be, you can be flexible, you can be low maintenance, but you don't have to be a doormat.

You don't have to be bending over backwards. You can be all these, you know, positive things that people compliment without it being your entire fucking identity.

Evita: Yeah, I definitely think they need to update themselves to, you know, it's like, okay, you know, you're not a low maintenance person. Actually, you do have, you know, you do have care and maintenance that you need.

And now you need to allow yourself the space to ask for it so that you don't find yourself in this situation where, you know, you've spent all of this time, you know, trying to convince this person that you're low need, low need in an effort to recommend yourself to them. And so then when they treat you like you have no needs, all of a sudden you've got all these problems, you know?

Lyn: Yup. Good gracious. All right. If you have anything else for this one before I move us along.

Evita: Nope.

Lyn: Alright, this is coming to the end of our show. I like to wrap things up with a little bow. Hehehehe. Ah, I tickle myself with that every time. Uh, so this final story is one that's resolved. It has an update and everything.

I don't like to leave y'all on a cliffhanger. I don't like to leave y'all on, like, super duper negative stories, you know? So, this one is a little bit long, so I'm going to try to blaze through it and not get too distracted judging people halfway through it. Alright, take a sip of water to steady myself.

Magic of ice water activate. Alright, so I, 25F, met my ex fiancee, I'll refer to him as J, 23 male, two years ago. He was fresh out of a divorce, and we are both poly. We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him. And I agreed on the condition that we would have a long engagement. During the past year, he has had a LOT of partners, and a lot of his other relationships would slowly become all consuming to him.

As in, he would text them all the time, take them out on dates, dote on them constantly, while essentially neglecting our relationship. Then, out of nowhere, things would sour, and they would stop talking. I became friends with a lot of his ex partners, and of course they would stop talking to me as soon as they broke up with him.

After a particularly bad breakup wherein his ex was a longtime friend of mine who ended up blocking me on everything after, I set a hard boundary that all of my friends were absolutely off limits to him. Long story short, I befriended this girl online, and after a month of talking to her, he asked to join our games.

I really liked having her around, and I was sick of dealing with losing friends. Fast forward three months and he accidentally hands me his phone and takes mine while we're leaving for work. It wasn't a problem, as I had his passcode and he had mine so we could operate for the workday. At some point, I got a notification from Discord, and it's our online friend.

She sent him a not safe for work picture with a good morning text. He was officially cheating, and funny thing was, he made an entire Discord server and categorized the cheating. I was heartbroken and broke it off with him immediately. I even blocked her. She had been encouraging me to break up with him for a couple of weeks after I opened up about my struggles with potentially being asexual.

In a weird twist, his two other partners broke up with him for different reasons the next day and he lost his job. So he has been a wreck since all of this went down. In all of this, I somehow became his only support, and he's been begging me to just play act like none of it happened, like I wasn't betrayed by him, in an open and poly relationship that he managed to cheat in.

He wants me to hop on and play games with them, like they didn't actively betray me for close to three months. My heart hurts. I loved him so much, and now every time he says I love you, I don't say anything to him. I moved myself into the office to wait out the lease, and I bought myself a new bed, but he's been begging me to come cuddle him every night.

All of this, and I'm trying to be civil and encourage him to find a job. I'm not gonna lie, it was satisfying to see him suffer in his relationships and to beg for my support. I offered him the same empathy I would a stranger, because losing your job is an awful thing to happen. But I gave him nothing outside of that.

All of this, and my friend is begging me to get another chance to earn my trust again, while pressing him for monogamy. He showed me their exchanges. He started therapy and is begging me for another chance. He's been doing his best lately to win me back and thinks me being civil and kind is a good sign that we'll get through this.

But it'll be a cold day in hell before I take back a cheater and a liar. I let him believe what he wants. I let him delude himself into thinking that there will be another thing that he can just get away with. Meanwhile, I've been silent, plotting my exit. And I'm sure as hell not associating myself with her.

And just to get my petty revenge, I burned the Stardew Valley world that they fell in love while making. And then I burned down the Minecraft server too. I can't wait to leave. I can't believe I compromised my peaceful solitude for this dumpster fire of a relationship. Two years paid to learn this lesson and I'm not paying a single extra day after Lease ends.

Fuck yeah, good for her. Get out of there, girlie.

Evita: Yeah, I'm not entirely sure, like, what the point of even posting about this was.

Lyn: A vent, I guess. You know,

Evita: she seems pretty, uh, clear. It

Lyn: is from True Off My Chest, so it is a venting subreddit. I did forget to mention that.

Evita: Oh, okay, okay, okay. So it's, yeah, it's just a venting.

Yeah, so, she seems pretty clear. I honestly, first of all, the fact that she even had to make that, As a, like a, a rule at all, to me would have been the red flag.

Lyn: Yes. It sounds like he's an NRE junkie.

Evita: Right. That would have been red flag. Number one, because I'm like, how many, like, first of all, why did this happen so many times that you actually had to make a rule about it?

Yeah. Um, while I do understand that things happen, the heart wants what it wants, but it almost comes off like this person was like mining in your friend's face. Consistently.

Lyn: Yeah, like using you as the person to like attract friends that he could then just like date and slurp up because he was too lazy to go on a Tinder, for real.

Evita: Right. So like that, I was like, how many times did this happen that you literally had to make a rule not to do this?

Lyn: It sounds like a lot of times. And like, I, this is me being judgy as shit right now, I'm gonna be honest, but someone who's 23 and has already been divorced once and then like. One year later, or you know, like date someone for a year and jumps like to engagement again Like it just it screams of someone who just like loves the relationship escalator So fucking much more than the actual relationship Hate it.

I don't like it the the whole like all his other relationships becoming all consuming and then turning sour also would be like What's going on there? You know, like why are you getting so fucking all into these people? And then it suddenly, they're sour grapes. Or not sour grapes, but you know what I mean?

Like What's going on there?

Evita: Yeah, there was a lot. There was a lot there.

Lyn: I like that she burned their worlds in Minecraft and Stardew. That was so cute. Such silly, petty revenge.

Evita: Yeah. Even just having the audacity to, like, you know, almost make it seem like, you know, she has to support him.

Lyn: Mm hmm. Just because they live together.

Evita: I'd probably just be like, yeah, uh uh. You should have thought about that. And how valuable I was, you know, when you were essentially cheating with me for three months, which was unnecessary. So, um, and so, yeah. And then also the other person too, you know, the friend, like I'm like, which granted I don't know, like what he was telling her, you know.

So she may have thought that it was okay, you know, he may have been telling her like, Oh, we're not monogamous. It's fine. I think sometimes that happens, you know,

Lyn: yeah, or if maybe they were both like bitching about the relationship behind the scenes. So she was just like, Oh, they're not happy together.

Anyway, I'd be so much happier with him.

Evita: Yeah, I'm not sure. You know how, um, you know, I'm not sure how culpable she is, you know, yeah. In this, uh, because it may be possible, like I said, that he was like, oh, this is cool. You know, we're not monogamous. So it's okay for me to be doing this with you. Yeah. And she may not have known, you know, we assume that just because that, you know, when people have agreements in relationship, that they're communicating that to the people that they're interacting with, but a lot of times they aren't, you know, so she may not even known that that was a thing.

And if I put myself in those shoes, I don't know that I would check in with my friend and go, Hey, did you know that, you know, your boyfriend is kind of coming on to me? And are you, you know, cool with that? Because I would assume, you know, that whatever agreements they have in their relationship that, you know, this behavior that he's engaging in is, you know, in the umbrella of the things that they can and can't do.

Um, I think that for me, I would probably say something more in like a, hey, this could get kind of weird. And so I just want to talk to you about this to kind of let you know that this is going on just in case there's, you know, you didn't either, you know, you have some challenging feelings about this or whatever, like, you know, to me, that just feels transparent.

Lyn: Yeah, but like, so like the thing that makes me question her a bit is because, you know, while she's, you know, trying to get back to being friends with OP, she's also asking the ex boyfriend for monogamy, you know, like the fact that now she wants to be monogamous with this guy that she knew was polyamorous, you know, beforehand.

Yeah. It, it, it reads a little sus to me and that's why I was kind of like side eyeing, you know, her whole like intentions there like it kind of reads to me as like both of them were kind of like using her as like a vent, you know, space for like their relationship woes because like OP even says that like she was being pushed to break up with her boyfriend by the other girl.

When she would complain about like the relationship stuff. So like, it kind of sounds like, well, they're not happy together. He would be happier with me if we could just be monogamous. Like, so like, that's where I'm like side eyeing, you know, but

Evita: yeah,

Lyn: yeah. I w I wouldn't let this man back in my life either.

And I would also, you know, keep my mouth shut long enough to get out of there because moving is expensive and breaking the lease is expensive. I understand moving into the office and just trying to keep. Shit quiet for, you know, the rest of the lease.

Yeah, I,

Evita: I definitely wouldn't. I'd be good on both of them.

Lyn: I, yeah, done. Don't need them. Okay, so there is a bit of an update. Like I said, I'm kind of going to summarize it because Sloane is already gonna gut punch me for making this episode so long. Um, okay. But, uh, she thanks everyone for the advice. She's had monogamous relationships or they were awful, just like this one.

So she doesn't want anybody to be taking her post as like a reflection of polyamory. Cool. Yeah. A hundred percent with that. She did end up meeting up with the lady friend, you know, the, the other woman, so to speak, uh, when someone in her family died, they ended up just like meeting up for some reason, but.

What they talked about was how he actually was, like, lying to OP and would cancel plans by, like, saying, Oh, he's not feeling great when actually he would be hanging out with the other woman, uh, the old friend. Uh, so she kind of, like, learned more about, like, the situation and how he would lie and make excuses.

Uh, and be out hanging out with her, so, like, his deception obviously did not just stop at the fact that they were carrying on behind her back, you know, and, like, if I'm hanging out with both these people and they're talking about how they're super non monogamous, I would be kind of, like, if we're all hanging out already, you know, I'd be like, hey, babe, can you send me that grenade or whatever, you know, like, the fact that they hadn't done that at all while they're still hanging out for these three months, Makes me think that he kind of told her that it needed to, like, stay hushy.

Evita: Mmm.

Lyn: You know?

Evita: Yeah. I can see that, you know, he may have spun some yarn

Lyn: about her not being, you know, um We're already

Evita: on our way out, you know? Uh,

Lyn: yeah, but the man shows himself to be a bit of an extra level of jackass unsafe, um, because she was, you know, really coldly resigned to just wait out her lease.

But she woke up one night to see all six foot man standing over her bed weeping. Yikes. She locked her door. She doesn't know how he got in. Um, she freaked out, told him to get the hell out. It was 1. 30 in the morning. So she packed her cat, she packed her necessities, and she got the fuck out of there by 1.

50 a. m. Good for you, girl. I'm glad you were able to get out of there.

Evita: Oof. The way that made my body uncomfortable.

Lyn: I Would be so uncomfortable. Like, my brain would immediately go to like, Is he drunk? Like, what is he going to do? Why is he here? You know, like, Fear. Like, that would make me so afraid if I woke up to him, Like, just standing there.

Let alone standing there crying. Like that, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Ha! But, the OP, she flagged her life 360, So that her brother could, you know, come get her, And call her, give her an out, you know, like a witness, yada, yada. Uh, she, Figured things out, she couch surfed, and she's just really grateful for a place to get it all off her chest.

And I get it, that's, mhm. That man, uh, needs to go be dramatic elsewhere, and I'm glad you're in therapy. Continue. Continue being therapy, man.

Evita: Yeah, that's a lot. So, um, yeah, that coming in my room mess with my door was a lot. Mm

Lyn: hmm.

Evita: Um, yeah.

Lyn: I want to know if you told a therapist about it.

Evita: That would immediately make me feel unsafe and make me go, like, Okay, so right now you're crying.

What happens when the emotion that you're experiencing about me leaving is anger?

Lyn: Mm hmm, exactly. You've already breached the boundary of a locked door and the implicit You know, beliefs that come with having a locked door. What else will you do as your emotions clearly overwhelm you?

Evita: Right. So, you know, thankfully the emotion was sadness.

Lyn: Yeah.

Evita: But what if it was anger?

Lyn: Yeah, what if he had been crying outside the door and then like, felt his anger coming in the door? Like, that could have gone so much worse. I'm glad she got herself out of there in 20 minutes.

Evita: Right. So, yeah.

Lyn: So yeah, this is one of those things.

Evita: Not okay, dude.

Lyn: This isn't a polyamorous issue or, you know, a monogamous issue.

This is a man got caught cheating. And tried to cry his way back into your arms when, you know, he was fuckin givin up. And, no. No, no, no. Run away. Goodbye. Glad you're good. Glad you're gone. Thank you, OP, for setting such a good example of gettin the fuck out of there.

Evita: Yeah.

Lyn: Alright, so.

Evita: How dare you, like, hold me accountable for my actions.

Lyn: Mm hmm. The audacity of holding me accountable. I can't believe you've done this. Uh, before we wrap up the episode entirely, we'd like to give some little non monogamy survival tips. So Vita, I will hand it over to you if you'd like to share yours first.

Evita: Um, non monogamy survival tip that I would like to give based on some of these stories, honestly, is to trust your gut.

I think a lot of these stories are a lot of, uh, people just Second, guessing their gut instincts and that's not to say that, you know, we shouldn't examine, you know, uh, our gut instincts because a lot of them are shaped by past experiences, trauma, et cetera, but, um, you know, build your trust in your own voice because, um, you know, uh, I, one of the things I'm, I'm very grateful for is I, I, I trust my voice, I trust my inner voice and I trust when she's trying to tell me something.

And so, um, and so, yeah, and so learn to learn to have a very, very, very, very trustworthy relationship with your inner voice, especially because non monogamy is something to where there's not a blueprint, you know, necessarily. And so because of that, there's a lot of opportunity for a lot of just crappy stuff to exist in it and you to be like, is this okay?

Is this okay? Um, and so learn to, learn to have a deep sense of trust in your inner voice is probably my, my non monogamy survival tip based on all of these stories.

Lyn: I love that. Mine from all of these, you know, is going to be look for opportunities for accountability, even if the only person you're being accountable to is yourself.

Because accountability really gets you on the path towards actual growth. Like, you can't grow if you're not being accountable and not being aware and, you know, intentional. You can be accountable for yourself in good ways. Be like, Hey, I'm so proud of you for getting the fuck out of there. Maybe do it a little sooner next time.

Right.

Evita: There's a lot of empowerment in personal accountability. Oh,

Lyn: yeah. Vita, please tell everyone where they can find you. Tell them about your book. Just give us all the juicy details.

Evita: So you can find me on Instagram at lavitaloca34, all one word, L A V I T A L O C A 3 4. That's where most of my content is located.

I also have a book published through Thorn Apple Press. It is called, um, uh, a polyamory devotional, 365 daily reflections for the consensually non monogamous.

Lyn: Metamour than You Bargained For is a production of Roll to Finish, LLC. I have been your host, Lynn Lawless. And our producer, editor, and all around badass was Sloane Abbott.

We got a audio engineer, Kel Fernandez. And that's all the stuff that I have to say legally. We hope to see you back for our next episode. We will be releasing episodes every odd Wednesday until we figure out this whole podcasting thing. In the meantime, check out our Beacons page. slash metamore pod. This will give you the best ways to stay up to date and find all the fun activities and polls we have planned.

You can also follow us on social media and post your stories to our subreddit slash metamore pod. If you need some advice on a sticky situation or you just want to brag about how wonderfully polyamory is going for you, send us a story to metamorepod at gmail. com. Subscribe, drop us a five star review on your favorite podcasting platforms, and maybe we'll show, uh, show your words on a future episode.

Maybe, you know, if they're good enough, get out of here. Bye. I have a website link in the description. So if you're interested, check it out. I'll see you guys in the next one.