Dating, relationships, modern love, emotional safety, respect, and gender dynamics are all explored in this deep, honest conversation with relationship coach Monica Wardwer. We break down why dating feels harder than ever, how respect sustains long-term relationships, and how divisive online narratives are reshaping how men and women connect.

In this episode, we discuss the psychology of attraction, emotional and physical safety, masculine and feminine dynamics, and why love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship last. Monica shares insights from her own dating journey, the patterns that repeat in relationships, and what personal responsibility actually looks like in modern dating.

We also explore how algorithm-driven content fuels division between men and women, the impact of viral dating narratives, fertility concerns, and why understanding gender differences leads to healthier relationships. Using cultural archetypes — including lessons from Beauty and the Beast — we unpack why attraction, safety, and respect are deeply connected.

If you’re struggling with dating apps, relationships, breakups, or trying to understand modern love, this episode offers grounded psychological insight, compassion, and clarity.

Topics covered:

• Modern dating struggles and relationship psychology

• Respect vs love in long-term relationships

• Emotional safety, attraction, and bonding

• Masculine and feminine dynamics

• Dating archetypes and cultural narratives

• Fertility, timing, and relationship pressure

• Repeating relationship patterns and healing

• Social media, division, and dating culture

Honestly, I think there can even be times when you don't feel like you love that person.

Obviously, the love will still be there, but what needs to remain is the respect.

And I think when the respect goes, then it's very difficult to keep a healthy relationship going.

One in three couples over 30 struggle to conceive.

One in three, and I reckon that number will go up.

As you mentioned before, I do feel like a very high priority for men in a relationship is to feel respected by men that they're in a relationship with.

But the two kind of go hand in hand.

Like, if a woman doesn't feel safe within a relationship, she's not going to truly respect.

Who put the article about how it's not trendy to have a boyfriend anymore or something like that.

You must have seen that.

What's your opinion on that?

Yeah, it went so viral.

Yeah, I.

Here's the thing.

So I create content, obviously, online, and I'm sure, like, you know about this as well, but for anybody who creates content online, they know that if you make it as controversial as possible, then it's going to get more clickbait, it's going to get more attention and your, you know, your following will go up, all that kind of stuff.

But I think it's just.

It's quite dangerous.

Like sometimes when people use such divisive language, I think, you know, and it gets the viewership and it went very viral.

So in terms of.

From a business perspective, it was a smart move.

But it just honestly made me really sad to see the comment section of how many women were saying, oh, my life is so much better without a man, and things like that, because.

And in the actual article, there's a lot of points that she made that I do actually agree with.

You know, I think it's fantastic that women are recognizing that they're worthy and enough with or without a partner.

I think for such a long time, women have been very conditioned that, you know, they're only successful once a man chooses them and all that kind of stuff.

So I think that that's good, that that's less of a narrative now.

And that was one of the things that she sort of addressed within the article.

But yeah, the title I just felt like was so divisive.

And then it meant that so many people who probably didn't even read the article were, you know, creating content about it and then like, the comment section were just blowing up.

And, yeah, it just worries me.

I don't want it to become fashionable for this to be a narrative and Obviously, you know, that was in vogue, so probably the biggest fashion magazine in the world.

And so, yeah, it does make me sad that such divisive language was used because most women have had some negative, potentially very negative dating experiences with men.

But does that mean that we.

That, you know, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend or things like that?

No, and I don't.

And the thing is as well is that if you do truly want men to, to change in certain ways of, you know, I'm trying to remember some of the comments in terms of, like.

But talking about, you know, perhaps being more emotionally mature and things like that, the way to help them grow and better themselves is not through creating greater division.

So in terms of the actual article, I thought that there were some interesting points in the actual article.

I don't, I definitely don't agree with all of it.

And she used some comments which again, were very divisive, taking comments from, from videos online.

But, you know, I don't disagree with the whole article, but I do think we, we need to start being a bit more careful about the divisive language that we use just for clickbait purposes, because, yeah, that's the part that made me the saddest, to be honest.

And then all the comments sections of women saying, you know, it's better not to have a man in their life.

It's so interesting because 80, there's, there's quite hard evidence now that sort of is coming out about, like, the impact of the, the extreme aspects of the feminist movement and the, the aftermath and what that means for, like, younger generations.

And two things.

One is, I think there's a statistic that like 80% or even, maybe even 90% of women that don't have children wanted to have children.

So.

And they literally go to.

A lot of these women go to, like, grieving meetings, like an AA meeting where they sit around and they talk about how upset they are that they never had or they never.

They're not able to have children because, what, one in three couples over 30 struggle to conceive?

One in three, and I reckon that number will go up because, like, fertility rates, all that dropping.

But the other thing that I wanted to talk about, I spoke about this on an episode the other day, and I think it's really interesting.

There's this phenomenon called reproduction, reproductive suppression.

And it's basically certain primates where you can observe older women deliberately suppressing the ability and removing younger females who are just about to, like, enter sort of fertile age, access to the males deliberately because I don't know what it is.

In the same way that the mature men will fight off the younger men to keep them away.

And they like, they often have to go off and find another tribe and sort of, or whatever you call chimp.

I mean I think that that happens with lions.

Definitely does happen with lions.

I'm not certain about chimps, but either way it's a competitive intrasexual sex competitive thing.

And this is played out in the, the Snow White.

So this is basically what Snow White is trying to display.

You've got the witch, you think she's the fairest thing of them all.

And she says whatever she says, who is the fairest of them all?

And she becomes resentful because she's getting older and she's no longer the most attractive thing because her fertility is.

She's not as fertile as she once was.

So she says, right, we got to get rid of Snow White then because I don't want that.

And I think so much of the feminist movement is women masquerading behind the concept of compassion and of this is how you should live your life when in reality it's just a form of reproduction suppression to keep the younger women at bay so they don't feel inadequate as they progress through life.

And I think that that's exactly what's going on with that article.

I don't know who wrote it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's like a middle aged woman and you know, like, and that is how the world works.

We're all.

You were speaking about the, you like, without even realizing that you're using archetypes in your methodology like the prince, the princess, the king and the queen.

You put your own, you, you come up with your own archetypes of dating.

And these archetypes exist in our minds without us even realizing they do.

And they control us and they, you know, distort our perceptions, etc.

So like, I think it's, I just think it's really interesting and it's so ironic because just before I mentioned that I said that there's a kickback from dating and how people are trying to look for more meaningful connections more and more.

And then something like that comes out and you think, wow, it's almost like they're, they're really trying to push his narrative on us and more and more people are trying to get away from it and it's like, yeah, I think it's really interesting.

But yeah, I, I think it's bad.

And I think partly is because the more stable, the better the relationship between men and women are, the more stable a society is.

So I did a. I made a TikTok a while ago and we were.

And I was saying how I don't think women have ever been more afraid of men than they are now then they've never been more intimidated and, and vice versa.

I don't think men are ever felt more distance from women, out of touch.

And I think that's really bad because the more integrated they become, the better the society flourishes.

And that's true like psyche wise as well.

The more the masculine aspect of your psyche is integrated and connected and union, unionized, united with the feminine, the better.

So it's interesting and I'm glad that you've.

I'm glad that you sort of take umbrage with it and I like.

Yeah, I don't.

Because obviously, yeah, they would have made some good points.

Like anyone, anyone that's a journalist can write a good article with some persuasive points, but the fundamental core concept is really detrimental.

I think so.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And yeah, I mean I think that's just one example of.

Within this space of like dating and relationships.

It's.

It does make me really sad how the way to basically hack the algorithm is to create divisive content.

I mean this is for.

This isn't just within the dating and relationship space.

But it does make me sad how then in order to utilize that and to, I don't know, help your business, I guess there's a lot of people that are jumping on that and just creating content that creates greater, greater division between men and women.

And yeah, I think it's a really interesting time that we're in, in terms of dating.

And yeah, I do think even though people might think it's like such an easy time to date because obviously we have the apps, you know, if you want to date someone.

I don't think many people think it's easy time.

I don't think many people think that dating's a nightmare at the moment.

Yeah, well, on paper though it seems like, oh, all these options and stuff.

But yeah, I think people are having the hardest time that we've ever had in terms, in terms of dating.

And yeah, it's.

I think there's a lot of stuff that's actually working against people to help them when it comes to dating.

And there's so many different things.

But yeah, the division element is definitely one of them.

And that's, that's my eventual life mission that I'd like, to do is to basically help men and women understand each other's differences more so that we can have greater compassion for each other's differences and then be able to have healthier relationships with each other.

That's the goal.

And with ourselves as well, hopefully.

Okay, so this is, this could be a.

Should be a fun question.

What, so what's your opinion on the idea that every relationship has, like, someone who's more interested and someone who's less interested?

Like the idea that for their, there's not friction?

Is it.

It's like, is it magnetism?

I don't know.

Maybe it is magnetism.

I don't know.

For there to be like that.

Well, yeah, for there to be, for something to move in a direction, there has to be someone who's pulling away and someone who's pushing forward.

So maybe you can make the argument that for two people that meet to end up in a committed relationship, they have to go on a journey together, and that journey has to be facilitated somehow.

What do you think about, you know, looking back at your own relationships and get as personal as you want?

Do you think that there have been times that you've been the one who has invested more, and probably those are the relationships that you stayed in, and then the one where the guys invested more and maybe the ones that you thought, right, I'm going to jump ship now because he's showing too much interest.

You don't talk about you personally.

You can talk about in general if you want to.

Yeah, I think in terms of interest, I think both people, I don't think, at least not consciously, I don't think there should be, like, one person who's much more interested than another.

And I think that that will probably go in waves as well.

Like perhaps, say, like, the guy is more interested at first, and then the girl grows in her interest and then perhaps she gets more interested, and then it kind of goes like this and like this and like this.

But I, I do believe that the man needs to be the pursuer at the beginning.

But that's from a biological perspective, because in order for a man to bond, he.

He needs to have dopamine.

His dopamine levels need to increase and his vasopressin levels.

Women don't need that.

They need oxytocin to bond with somebody.

And so I do think it's really important at the beginning of the relationship.

And those things of dopamine and vasopressin, they increase for a man based on essentially pursuit and, and taking action towards something.

And so you know, when a man is invested in something, and I don't just mean financially, I mean like in terms of his energy, all of those things actually increases his ability to bond with a woman.

And so I do think it does need to be the man doing the pursuing and taking the lead in that sense, but not from a perspective of he's way more interested and she's not interested at all.

I think there needs to be reciprocity there.

But yeah, I do think in terms of the pursuit and the leading, at least in heterosexual relationships, I do believe that the man should be the one to do that.

That's a good way of articulating it, actually.

Yeah.

And then maybe there's a pullback and there's a redistribution of investment, so to speak.

A piece of advice or an outlook that you had when you were younger on dating and then an outlook and then how that has changed and shifted as you've sort of progressed and experienced life.

I think when I was younger, I thought that love would be enough to make a relationship work.

And I definitely don't think.

Think that now.

I think you can love many people and takes not just you to put in the work, but it takes the other both people to put in the work to make a relationship work.

So.

Yeah.

And I think, honestly, I think there can even be times when you don't feel like you love that person.

Obviously the love will still be there, but what needs to remain is the respect.

And I think when the respect goes, then it's very difficult to keep a healthy relationship going for women.

I think that is the case.

Respect.

Respect is essential.

If.

If a woman doesn't respect you, she.

So this is the way I see it.

If a woman likes you, you can be a friend.

If she respects you, she'll sleep with you.

If she likes and respects you, then she will date you.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, I think, I think that's quite accurate.

I've found that in the past of like, what I've watched interactions played out with me and I've been like, that's weird.

And then I like, okay, fair enough.

Yeah, yeah.

So I think, yeah, the respect goes both ways.

I would, in different ways.

But, you know, if a woman doesn't feel safe within the dynamic in terms of like, how a man treats her and the respect that he shows to her in that sense, then she's not gonna.

She's.

That relationship will be very toxic.

Really?

Yeah.

So that's, that's an interesting point.

He brought the concept of safety because, like, emotional and physical Safety is obviously exceptionally important for women to a point that men can't really comprehend it.

I particularly physical safety.

But earlier you said how women might like to be with men who they might feel a little bit, a little bit unsafe with at the extent that they feel protected.

So how does safety, the concept of safety like fit into a woman's mind?

You think, like, what are they feeling and looking for?

Because it's very nuanced.

Yes, totally.

Yeah.

No, I think, I think safety is like a number one need for most women in a relationship in every, in every aspect.

You know, emotional, physical, the rest of it.

So I guess what I meant by, in terms of.

Because I guess like the bad boy archetype, that's, I just mean I'm not, I wouldn't encourage my clients to date a bad boy.

But I guess part of, especially when a woman is younger, when probably she doesn't feel like she can keep herself that safe, then perhaps that's more the sort of man that she would go for than the nice guy.

Because at the end of the day, like if, you know, yeah, perhaps you want somebody who just makes you feel like, okay, well they can protect me against danger because they are quite dangerous themselves.

And yeah, in terms of like long term partnership, especially when you get a bit older and you know, you can, you've, as I said, maybe done a bit more healing on yourself then I do feel like, you know, emotional safety will be a higher priority rather than just like physical safety type stuff.

And that does also mean that, you know, that man needs to have emotional intelligence, emotional resilience, have some level of control over his emotions, not be super reactive and you know, healthy communication, stuff like that, which perhaps when we're younger we wouldn't prioritize that stuff as much.

But I do think that stuff really shows up later on when you start to recognize, okay, what would make a good long term partner.

And especially if you think perhaps I want to have children with this person, you want to feel safe within that dynamic in every sense.

Not just in the physical sense.

You want, you definitely want that emotional safety there as well.

And then that's when emotional intimacy can really be formed as well.

And that's when also a woman will respect a man a lot more.

Because as you mentioned before, I do feel like a very high priority for men in a relationship is to feel respected by absolutely the woman that they're in a relationship with.

But the two kind of go hand in hand.

Like if a woman doesn't feel safe within a relationship, she's not going to truly respect a man.

And if, because she might be fearful of him but she's not going to respect him, that's a very different energy.

And yeah, if a man doesn't feel respected, he's not going to want to make or even if he's not consciously aware of it, he's probably not going to typically make the woman feel safe.

Yeah, respect, safety reciprocated, vice versa.

And you just as you were talking about the danger, I was thinking if in the presence of someone who they feel slightly in danger with, it then is up to them almost from a point of view to like seduce, entice and calm and like appease.

And that is obviously a very toxic encounter.

But that's a very feminine sort of desire to feel like, wow, I'm special enough to can like.

Because honestly, anyone out there who wants dating advice, go and watch Beauty and the Beast and dissect that film and you will understand all you need to know about dating dynamics.

Because that is the story of.

Yeah, because I talk about it.

It often comes up when I have these sorts of conversations because it's so accurate.

Belle is a switched on, clever woman and she could choose between.

She got three options.

She's got.

Fundamentally, there are three male archetypes.

There's the narcissist, there's the loser and there's the hero.

I mean, maybe, I'm sure there's more.

But Gaston is the narcissist.

But Belle's not interested in Gaston because she knows that there's nothing redeemable about him and he's all bad news and he's actually quite weak.

The village loser.

Obviously not, because they don't bring anything, they don't have any value, they don't do nothing.

And then the beast is the hero because he's cursed.

But he's coughing.

But he's redeemable and he's got something about him that means that he's strong, but he's also got all of the other attributes that women look for.

But he's a beast and he's tame.

That's the word.

He's tameable.

There's something about the concept of taming a wild beast I love.

The so many girls I've spoken to are like, oh, yeah, it really annoys me at the end of Beauty and the Beast when he turns into some sort of random guy and it's just like, yeah, I'd rather, I'd, I'd rather him been the beast.

It's like, yeah, of course, exactly, yeah, and that, that's the, the thing.

So, yeah, it's, it's the, it's.

A lot of issues arise from that.

But anyway, we haven't really spoken much about you, to be honest, which I kind of feel a bit bad about.

But I guess we don't need to speak up.

No, we do need to talk about you.

It's your podcast.

Yeah, so I, in my 20s, I had a period of about eight years where I was single and you know, I dated people in that space of time, but I just couldn't meet someone who I, you know, really liked.

And yeah, for whatever reason, each time things would end.

And I remember there was one point where I was dating this guy and things, things ended in the exact, not the exact, but similar sort of framework to why things ended with the guy that I was dating before.

That's so funny that I remember just having this like, carry on just because I've literally done an episode on why patterns repeat in life.

It's just, I've just been editing it.

But anyway, carry on.

Sorry to interrupt, but yeah, and so I just had this epiphany moment where I realized, okay, the common denominator in all of this is me.

And that's why I speak about, you know, in your dating life.

Because I was that person for eight years.

I felt like I was just the victim of circumstance and that, you know, oh, well, it's out of my control.

I don't really know why, you know, I can't find my forever person.

And yeah, and then that was just like this big light bulb moment of, okay, but I'm the common denominator in all this that ended in a similar way.

So maybe there's something that I'm, you know, doing a little bit wrong in this situation.

And to be honest, at first I did just blame myself, but now I recognize I didn't need to blame myself, just needed to take responsibility, which I did.

So I started to just divulge, let's devour like every, every relationship book, every podcast, all of it.

And yeah, just started to, to recognize, you know, I didn't even know that like our past conditioning from childhood and things like that shaped the way that we are in our present day relationship.

So I had to, you know, do of inner work on that sort of stuff.

Yeah, I mean, just a lot of inner work basically.

And yeah, that's how it.

Basically.

And because the thing is, as well is the reason why I got into this work is because there was a period of time where I recognized, okay, I'M the common denominator in all this.

But I didn't understand what I needed to do differently.

I didn't feel like there was, you know, I feel like we're very ill educated basically about what love is, how to be in a.

Like, how to be a healthy partner as well, what to look for in a healthy partnership.

Yeah.

And so I just basically started to learn about that myself.

And then I thought, most people don't know how to do this.

You know, most people have been ill educated.

And if you are lucky enough to, you know, have both of your parents still together and see a healthy relationship dynamic, you still won't have seen their conflict repair or, you know, the.

The things happening behind the scenes.

And so I think we all need to be better educated about this kind of stuff.

It's not the kind of thing that we learn at school or whatever.

So we learn it through lived experience.

But the problem is, is that, you know, as we spoke about earlier, like, some people will spend the majority of their lives and then potentially miss out on having children or things like that just learning this stuff.

And I guess I just want to help fast track that process for people through hopefully educating them in a faster way than I did it myself through lived experience.

And, yeah, the book that I is now published, and I started writing that during this process, it was just notes that I was writing for myself to try to really, like, understand.

You know, I'd read the books and I'd write notes on it so I could really understand it.

So that's how my book that I published in August, that's how that came about was.

Was through my own kind of journaling process.

And that's how it started.

So that's my.

My why, I guess behind my mission.

Yeah.

And, well, there's definitely a need for that sort of advice.

And yeah, because there are so many male dating coaches out there, but there aren't actually.

There's a fraction of the amount of female dating coaches, but there's are.

There's a growing number which I think is quite interesting.

Obviously, there's more of a demand for it.

I mean, yeah, we.

Yeah, I think there is a lot of demand for it.

So, yeah.

Monica, thank you so much for speaking with me.

Where can people find you?

So my website is monicawadwa.com and my Instagram and YouTube is it.

With love, Monica.

And my TikTok is ithlove monicawadwa.

Yeah, I think those are all the places.