Struggling with toddler tantrums? In this episode, Devon Kuntzman, author of Transforming Toddlerhood, debunks the biggest toddler tantrum myth that keeps parents stuck in frustration and confusion.

Learn what tantrums really mean, how to respond calmly, and practical strategies that help build connection, cooperation, and confidence.

🔗 Click for Full Episode Details Here»

5 Key Takeaways

1️⃣ Toddlerhood isn't terrible—it's developmental

Toddlerhood is a critical stage of growth where children are learning independence, identity, and autonomy—not trying to make your life difficult.

2️⃣ All behavior is communication

Tantrums, hitting, biting, and resistance are often signals of unmet needs, big emotions, or undeveloped skills—not bad behavior.

3️⃣ Connection comes before correction

Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel seen, heard, and understood. Connection helps diffuse emotions and reduces power struggles.

4️⃣ Teach skills when the brain is ready to learn

Emotional regulation is built through practice during calm moments, not in the middle of a meltdown.

5️⃣ Progress matters more than perfection

Parenting isn't about getting it right every time. Growth happens through consistency, repair, and learning alongside your child.

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS

00:00 The Toddler Myth Most Parents Believe

01:35 Why Devon Started Transforming Toddlerhood

04:05 Motherhood, Business & Asking for Help

06:20 Toddlerhood Isn't Terrible—It's Developmental

09:15 Why Parents Misjudge Toddler Development

12:05 Can Toddlers Really Learn Emotional Regulation?

13:02 RainbowMotion™: Helping Children Name Big Emotions

15:10 Connection Before Correction

18:45 A Real-Life Parenting Win: The Power of Connection

22:10 How to Leave the Playground Without a Meltdown

26:05 Parenting Guilt, Self-Doubt & Feeling "Not Enough"

29:15 Your Toddler Is Not Bad—Behavior Is Communication

30:35 Debunking the Myth: "Your Child Should Listen the First Time"

31:20 Tantrums Are Opportunities for Learning and Growth

32:25 Devon's Book, Resources & Final Advice

📚 Resources & Links

• 📖 Transforming Toddlerhood by Devon Kuntzman
• 🌐 Transforming Toddlerhood Website
• 📱 Follow Devon on Instagram
• 🌈 How to QUIT Tantrums Before They Ever Start with RainbowMotion™

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Anya:

Welcome to this very special episode where I'm joined by the incredible Devon Kuntzman, author of Transforming Toddlerhood and the founder of the movement by the same name. Devon is the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram, but more than that, she's down-to-earth, real, and relatable, and she's a toddler parent herself, so she truly gets it.

I'm recording this after our interview, and let me tell you, I walked away feeling so inspired. Devon doesn't just share theory. She delivers real strategies that actually work. No fluff, just grounded, practical wisdom you can use in your daily life.

Right now, in this episode, Devon debunks one of the biggest myths we are told as parents and offers a powerful reframe on toddlerhood that might just change the way you show up for your child and for yourself.

So, grab your coffee or reheat it for the third time because, hey, #momlife, and let's get right into it. This is going to be a deeply insightful conversation, especially if you are parenting a toddler right now. You don't want to miss it.

Devon:

Yes. Well, thank you so much for having me. And I started Transforming Toddlerhood because, through my work as a nanny with families all over the world, most of them very high-profile, I saw a lot of the same challenges recurring over and over for toddlers and parents.

And what I noticed was happening the most was this communication gap where a toddler would be having a certain behavior, such as having a tantrum when their parents came home from work or something like this, and then the parent feeling frustrated by this tantrum, thinking, "Why did I come home? What's happening here? I was just so excited to see my kid, and they seem so upset with me. What do I do?"

And so I began to realize that there was really a communication gap happening between parents and their kids.

And so I started Transforming Toddlerhood with the mission to help parents understand that all behavior is communication. And through decoding behavior, we can begin to understand what kids are communicating and transform our parenting, our children's behavior, and our entire experience of toddlerhood.

So every day, I'm working with parents to help them dispel the myth that toddlerhood is terrible and to help them really overcome the challenges, nurture their child's development, and create confidence in their parenting skills.

Anya:

How do you balance and manage your professional business and your family life?

Devon:

Yes, I would say there's not a magic formula, and oftentimes it looks really messy and unpredictable, but what I can say is that really what it comes down to is not being afraid to ask for support or ask for your needs.

So, you know, today my son's preschool had a one-hour delay, and I had a podcast to record earlier, and so I asked someone if they could take my son to school for me today because I'm solo parenting right now with my husband traveling for work.

And later today, I had a meeting scheduled, but I actually decided to cancel it because I knew that it was going to be too much for me today with everything else happening.

And so, you know, it's really not... So, really, what I would boil it down to is not being afraid to ask for what I need when I need it.

Anya:

I'm so, so with you on this. There is a reason why they say it takes a village to raise a kid, versus now I see trends where extended family doesn't have the luxury of being close by, and we are so afraid to reach out for help.

So, somehow, we feel that if we ask for help, it's an indicator that we're failing as a parent.

And I'm so glad you're bringing this up. I'm sure our listeners can agree. Just don't be afraid to ask for help because it shows our vulnerability. It shows that we are humans, too. And I think people like that.

So I'm so glad you brought that up.

Next question. And this is a good one. So, if anybody is multitasking, come back to us.

So, in your book Transforming Toddlerhood (and if you have a toddler, you must get your hands on this book) … this book aims to debunk the myth that toddlers are terrible. And I talk about this a lot too, that I don't really believe there is a terrible twos, but I would love, love to hear your input on that.

Devon:

Yes. I mean, the truth is that toddlerhood can feel grueling at times, right?

It is a time period where our little ones are trying to become their own person and develop a sense of self for the very first time. They're realizing that, "I am not an extension of my parents and caregivers. I am my own individual person that has an impact on the world."

And that is a really, really big discovery that starts with your child gaining that independent movement, really being able to walk and to run and put physical distance between themselves and a caregiver, where they start to understand this concept.

So inside of this, your little one, for the first time, has their own agenda and things that they want to do, and it oftentimes does not match with our own agenda, and that can feel really, really frustrating.

That is why toddlerhood ends up being labeled as terrible, or, you know, threenagers, fearsome fours, little tyrants, all the labels that have been given to toddlerhood because it's so challenging for us to lose that sense of control as our children try to be their own person.

So, I prefer to offer a little bit of a reframe from "toddlerhood is terrible" to "toddlerhood is a challenging developmental period."

There is no doubt about that.

It's also a very critical developmental period because the first five years of life set the foundation for the rest of your child's life.

And I believe if we relate to this time period as terrible, we're more likely to react harshly. We're more likely to focus on what's not going well and to have less joy in our parenting experience, less connection with our child, versus if we look at it as challenging yet critical, then we might shift how we're responding to really nurture and support our child's development.

And here at Transforming Toddlerhood, everything that I teach parents is aimed to work with your child's development, not against it.

And that's how we reduce power struggles and make parenting easier.

Anya:

Yes. So true.

So, can you give us a concrete example of this incongruency between parents' expectations and your child's emerging sense of autonomy?

Devon:

So, there are so many things that happen in toddlerhood, and what I, oftentimes say is that we tend to underestimate our child's physical abilities.

So, we end up doing things for them that they're capable of doing or learning, such as undressing themselves, dressing themselves, making their bed, putting on their coat, clearing their plate, getting their cup—all of these things that toddlers actually are quite capable of doing.

They might need a little bit of practice, but they're quite capable.

But then we tend to really overestimate their social-emotional regulation skills.

And so we tend to get really frustrated and think that a 2-year-old should be able to stop themselves from having a tantrum and be able to share with another child, when that's not truly developmentally appropriate behavior.

So we really have to look at where our kids are at in their development and align our expectations with what they're developmentally capable of.

Now, just because your child might not be able to stop themselves from having a tantrum when they feel really upset and they don't like a decision that we make, or when someone's playing with a toy and then they grab it because they lack impulse control, what we don't want to do is just say, "Well, I guess that's too bad. They're toddlers."

What we want to do is help them learn the skills that they need to be successful because the more that we practice these skills with them, the more quickly they're going to learn them.

And that's why the recipe for healthy, effective discipline that I teach here—or developmentally smart discipline that I teach at Transforming Toddlerhood—has three ingredients:

1. Create connection.

2. Set limits and follow through.

3. And teach skills.

Teaching skills is such an important part because we don't want to punish children for a lack of skills. We want to support them in learning the skills they need to be successful.

Anya:

And how neurologically capable are they to learn those skills? Because we talked about overestimating their emotional abilities and underestimating their physical abilities.

So, what skills do you think would be reasonably foreseeable for a 2-year-old to learn in order to be able to master these emotions that are just on fire?

Devon:

Well, the most important thing to think about is that we have to teach skills when the brain is primed to learn. And that means when our child is calm and regulated.

We're not teaching skills in the heat of the moment when things are going sideways and off the tracks. That's not the time.

That's when we're all in survival mode and a stress response, and the brain is not primed for learning.

So, the first thing we want to do is focus on teaching skills in the calm moments when everyone's regulated.

The second thing we want to do is understand that just because we're teaching a skill, the younger your child is, the more likely they're going to need more practice and more repetition to be able to truly learn the skill, right?

Because their brains are immature, and we can't force brain development to happen, but we can support it.

And there is something called scaffolding skills, where we want to build on little small moments and build and build and build until we reach the skill.

So, for example, say that your child—you have a young toddler—and when they get frustrated, they want to bite.

So maybe in the beginning, your child would likely try to bite you, but then you redirect them to something that is safer than biting a person, like a silicone teether or something like that.

And then from there, we want to work on teaching them in the calm moments to say, "I'm mad. I'm frustrated."

And then when we validate them by saying things like, "You're so frustrated that you want to bite, and I won't let you bite Mommy. You can bite this."

Then your child is going to slowly internalize these things.

And now I have a three-and-a-half-year-old who said to me this morning, "I want to bite something."

Because he was really upset that I had set a limit that I wasn't letting him have apple cider as soon as he woke up.

And that's what he wanted.

And I set a limit on that.

And he was really mad, and he didn't bite me.

And another way that I've helped him build this skill is in these moments where he says he wants to bite, but he hasn't bitten me.

Then I say, "Oh, you're so upset. You want to bite something, and you chose not to bite Mommy. That's great. You really have a lot of self-control."

So now I'm giving him positive attention for having that little bit of self-control.

And that's how we slowly build these skills.

Anya:

I love how you said it's about connecting and then redirecting. So you connected and acknowledged their emotions. "I know, you're so angry. Bite something else."

So, what I created with Julia was a RainbowMotion™ Wheel.

We literally took a frozen pizza insert, and I divided it into parts, and then I colored it.

And before she could speak, she would just point.

I said, "Julia, I know something is going on. How are you feeling?"

And she would point, let's say, to the color red.

And I'm like, "Ah, red. You feel red, so you feel upset."

And then by redirecting, it's like, "Hmm, red like the sweater of the teddy bear or red like an apple."

And it's amazing when we redirect the energy, how they even forget that they were upset.

So that was my experience with Julia, and I was able to repeat the no-tantrum scenario with my son.

So, that's why this is so fascinating to me, and I love how your book dives into the distinction between, you know, most of the time we're dealing with symptoms.

And if you're dealing with symptoms, you're not really addressing the root cause.

And as you mentioned, the root cause has to be addressed, not when everybody's fuming, but in those calm moments.

So, can you share a story or two of a family you worked with?

I know you worked with thousands of families who saw a drastic improvement in their situation after implementing one of your techniques.

Devon:

Yes.

So, one example that really sticks out in my mind is the power of connection.

Now, oftentimes people think that connection is just talking about emotions.

And if we're only talking about emotions and we're not setting limits and following through, then we're parenting permissively, which is true.

So, what I said is that for discipline to work, we have to have the connection piece, the setting limits and following through piece, and the teaching skills piece.

However, connection is a very, very powerful tool, and the more that we use connection, the better it works because it is like the balm that soothes emotions and can diffuse situations.

And so I'm thinking of a moment where there are times when we actually don't even need to go much further than the connection piece.

For example, I had a client whose son had a hard time turning off his show whenever she would let him watch a little 30-minute show.

And one day, he was having trouble turning it off.

And she just went up to him and said, "It's time to turn it off."

And he's so upset.

So he's starting into a little bit of a tantrum.

And she said, "I know. It's so hard. You really want to keep watching Bluey, and it's time to turn it off."

So, see, we're connecting, but we're still setting that limit there.

And then she just paused because oftentimes we think that connection is something we do to a child, but connection is something your child feels.

So you have to pause and be like, "Did that hit home? Did they hear me? What impact did that have?"

And then he started to calm down a little bit.

So she just paused a little bit more, and then she said, "I know it's hard. I'm here. We'll watch it again tomorrow."

And then paused.

So this whole thing took about four to five minutes, but then all of a sudden he just said, "Okay."

And he walked away.

Now, she could have just been like, "You're turning this off. I already told you," and just turned it off quickly and moved on.

And it could have turned into a huge meltdown, which I'm not saying is bad or wrong.

Sometimes we don't have the bandwidth and the time to sit there and take the slower connection route.

However, when we can take that slower route of really dialing up the connection piece while still having the limit-setting piece in there, then it really can be magical in diffusing emotions.

And when kids feel seen and heard and know that you are with them instead of an opposing force, it can really soothe emotions so much that the tantrum doesn't even happen.

Anya:

Wow. I love it. That connection is not what you do; it's how your child feels it, how they interpret it. That is very powerful.

And can you give me another example of how you would deal with the onset of a tantrum at a playground?

I mean, that's a classic one. I'm sure we all had that experience where you've been there longer than you intended, and you have to go home, but your kiddo is having so much fun.

So, how can we instill in them that urge and say, "Okay, that was enough. We have to go home."

So, what would you say?

Devon:

I know it's so hard. This is actually the example that is a recurring example that I carry out throughout several chapters in my book.

And what's so interesting about this is that really, when we're telling a child to leave the park, we're telling them, "Sorry, your play and fun is over."

And no one wants the fun to be over. It's very hard.

So, they're going to have a big reaction to that.

So, I think understanding that your child not wanting to leave or your child feeling upset about that is not them being bad or not listening.

It's them communicating their frustration of not being in control of their life and the disappointment of having to stop something fun.

So when we can reframe the story we're telling ourselves about that behavior, it already gets a little bit easier to deal with this behavior.

So ideally, what you want to do is give them a short warning.

You want to say, "Hey, it's almost time to leave. We need to leave in a few minutes. What's the last thing you want to do on the playground?"

And then if they don't really say anything, you might say, "Do you want to go down the slide or swing on the swings?"

So then you're helping them wrap up their play instead of just coming out of nowhere.

Then you can say it's time to go.

They might just come along, but if they don't want to, you might say something like, "Oh, well, do you want to race me to the car, or do you want me to carry you?"

Something like this.

And if they're having a really hard time, this is where we have to follow through on the limit that we set.

Because when kids see that we're serious about the limit, with time, they'll push back less on the limit.

So that's when we have to say, "I see you're having a hard time leaving or having a hard time deciding. It's okay. I'm going to help you to the car."

And then you pick up your screaming child, and you help them to the car.

You tell them what you're going to do, and then you do it.

And this is helpful because we're doing this in a kind yet firm way, but we're showing our children that what we say is what we mean.

And then they can still feel upset about it.

That's okay because we're not here to change their feelings and emotions.

We're all allowed to have the full spectrum of emotion.

It's your job to set the limit and follow through and then also hold space for your child's feelings and emotions.

It's your child's job to accept the limit.

We can't put a timeline on how long it's going to take for them to finally go, "Okay."

It'll happen eventually because the tantrum won't last forever.

Anya:

So, you offer them the choice. Would you like to do X or Y?

Or I love turning it into a game. I think kids are fascinated when there is a game element to whatever they're doing.

And I think both instill that sense of autonomy.

You say, "Hey, I know it's so much fun. I would have wanted to keep playing. You know, when I see my friends, I never want to leave. I see you. I love you. I hear you."

How about, again, it's this "Let's connect and then redirect."

So, brilliant.

But then you also say if neither works, you would have to just pick your child up and bring them to the car to reinforce that limits are there for a reason and, at some point, we cannot cross them.

Devon:

And it's hard because no one wants to have a crying child.

It's sad. It's hard on our nervous system.

But also, we don't want to cross a child's bodily autonomy either.

But as the parent, it's our job to keep our kids healthy and to keep our kids safe.

And sometimes we're going to have to pick them up and be like, "Okay, well, now it's time to go."

Now, the important thing here is that we're doing it in a way that's respectful, which means we have calm and kind body language, and we also narrate what we're doing so they're aware of what we're doing and why we're doing it.

And that can be really helpful to keep the process more grounded.

But before they get to that point, you might even get to say something like, "Oh, you're having so much fun at the park. Would you like to come back tomorrow?" Or, "How about we come back on the weekend?"

And try to get them excited about the next time or talk about what we're going to do at home.

"Oh, it's time to go home and read books," or "make pizza night," or whatever the thing is that's happening next.

Sometimes we can get them interested in the next fun thing.

It might even be turning on their favorite song in the car, something like that.

So sometimes it can also help to get them excited about the next fun thing that's happening as part of that transition too.

Anya:

Beautiful. I love it. Casting the vision of what's to come to get them excited because we know little ones live in the now. They don't dwell in the past or think about the future.

But shifting their focus and reminding them that right now is fun, but fun can continue just in a different form, and this is what we can do next.

I think this is a great approach to that.

And now, to shift gears a little bit, what's really the underlying driving emotional force that can hinder parents' relationship with their children?

What's been coming up over and over is their sense of not being enough, their sense of unworthiness, guilt, that "What if I'm messing up my kid? What if I'm doing this whole thing wrong?"

So, through your work, through your movement, and through your book, how can you reassure them that she's not failing, she's just being a human, that it's all part of the developmental steps that we go through?

So, do you have any tips for moms who, I'm sure most of us are struggling at some point or another, and again, at different levels, with this unworthiness, imposter syndrome, "What if I'm not enough? What if I'm doing it wrong? What if I'm messing it up?"

Devon:

Yeah, we all feel this. It's a really normal thing to feel. And this is why in my book, it's 45 mini-chapters. It's a comprehensive quick-reference guide. And the 45 mini-chapters are split into five sections.

And the first section is called The Toddler Parent. And the reason that I talk specifically to the toddler parent at the beginning of the book is because it's tough being a parent.

We wear so many hats. There's so many things we do in addition to parenting.

And we have our own feelings and emotions and needs.

And some days we're going to be more resourced and under-resourced.

And there are going to be moments that we do things we're not proud of, things that we look back on and we're like, "Oh gosh, I wish I wouldn't have done that."

And moments where we're doubting ourselves, where we're wondering if we're messing our kids up, if we're doing it wrong.

And that's why that part of the book is so important because I speak directly to that.

How to repair the relationship when things go off the track or off the rails.

How to take care of yourself when you're feeling under-resourced.

What to do when your parenting partner isn't on board.

How to feel confident in your role as a parent.

And it's just so important also to understand that there are many different paths to get to the same outcome.

There isn't only one right way to get to a certain outcome.

And I think that sometimes social media can frame it that way.

But I want parents to know that you are a unique person.

You have a unique child.

You know your child best.

And there are many different paths that you can take to get to the outcome that you're looking for.

And it's going to be a journey.

There's going to be ups and downs.

But that's why I say parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

And practice makes progress, not perfection.

Anya:

Beautiful. Yes.

And if you could debunk one myth about parenting toddlers, what would your number one be?

Devon:

I think if I could debunk one myth about toddlers, it would be that your toddler is not bad.

Now, people might say, "Well, Devon, my toddler just hit me or bit me or took someone's toy. That's bad behavior."

And what I would say to that is that's behavior.

That's behavior that happened.

And the label we're placing on it is good or bad.

But if we got out of this idea that behavior has to be good or bad and that behavior is just there and it's communicating something to us, it's communicating how our child feels internally, their level of development, their sensory needs, their physical and basic needs, their developmental needs, their feelings and emotions, then we really unlock the magic because we start to understand that our child's behavior is trying to tell us something bigger.

And when we understand what it's telling us and we address that, that's when the behavior transforms.

But the more that we label behavior as bad, the more likely we're going to want to punish it and try to make that behavior stop without thinking about our child's feelings, emotions, and needs.

And so it's, I think, by far the biggest myth to debunk.

And I think the second biggest myth is that your child should listen the first time because toddlers have very, very, very little impulse control.

So even if they know what they're supposed to do, if they're dysregulated, if they are feeling upset or nervous or even sometimes too excited, their impulse control is going to go down.

And they're going to do things that theoretically they know they're not supposed to, but they literally can't stop themselves from doing it because their feelings and emotions or developmental drive are larger than their impulse control.

And so we just need to understand that while it's not developmentally appropriate to expect your child to always listen the first time, there's also lots of tools and tips we can use to support our kids in these moments to increase cooperation.

Anya:

Wow. Absolutely. Beautiful. I love it. How we should perceive the behavior as just a neutral exhibit of the current emotional or physical state of the child, rather than, I think, we interpret it as almost like a personal assault.

So, somehow, if your child bites you, "Oh, they don't love me."

But they might just be hungry.

When was the last time you fed your child?

Maybe their glucose level is way, way, way low.

Or maybe they're tired.

How well did they sleep last night?

Or maybe they're overstimulated.

So, our last question.

If you could tell a new toddler parent one piece of wisdom that you had learned during your journey but wish you knew—let's say your toddler is now three and a half—when they were one and a half or two, something you learned in the process that you wished you knew that could have helped you, but now it can help other new parents who are listening to our show.

Devon:

Yes. That all of the challenges, the behaviors, and challenging behaviors that pop up, those moments are not problems to be fixed.

They're opportunities for learning and growth.

And when we make this reframe about how we relate to all of these moments, then it also becomes easier because we realize that we don't have to be perfect and that we can learn and grow in the moment with our kids.

And that we can, you know, sometimes things are going to go off the rails, and then we realize it and say, "Wait, whoa, that's not what I meant to say. This is what I meant to say."

Or, "Oh my gosh, I was feeling really frustrated, and I lost control of what I was saying. Whoop, rewind. Here's what I want to do."

The more that we are willing to be vulnerable and model our learning and take these moments as moments of learning and growth for us, the more learning and growth our kids are going to have.

Anya:

Well, Devon, please tell our listeners where they can find you and where they can purchase your book.

Devon:

Yes. Well, if you'd like to continue this conversation, you can come see me on Instagram at Transforming Toddlerhood.

You can also find me on my website at TransformingToddlerhood.com.

And my book is available on Amazon or wherever books are sold.

Or you can go to TransformingToddlerhood.com/book to find all of the different retailers in the U.S. and worldwide.

Anya:

So, I hope these little tips that Devon shared will really lighten your load and hopefully eliminate one or two tantrums.

So, Devon, thank you so much for spending this time with us.

I'm sure I'll have you back.

And for now, thank you and bye.

Wow, what a great conversation it was.

So, if you are walking away with even one spark of clarity or one new way to connect with your child, be sure to follow the show, leave a review, and share it with a friend who might need this message today.

And of course, if you want to explore more of Devon's work, I will link her book in the show notes below.

Until next time, my sweet friend, keep showing up, keep leaning into the beautiful mess, and keep believing in the power of your presence.

I'll see you soon.