Shownotes
Dating after divorce, widowhood, or decades of marriage feels impossible - but what if the problem isn't that love is scarce, but that nobody ever taught you how to find the right person?
This conversation with dating expert Bella Gandhi revealed why traditional approaches to finding love fail and how midlife presents unique opportunities for rewriting your romantic story. Gandhi's philosophy centers on "fixing your picker" learning to identify and choose partners based on compatibility rather than superficial chemistry or outdated checklists.
The discussion explored the cultural challenges faced by South Asian women and others from conservative backgrounds who were discouraged from dating during their formative years, then suddenly expected to find life partners without any relationship skills. This creates a particularly challenging dynamic for professionals who focused on career development while neglecting romantic education.
Gandhi addressed the "gray divorce" phenomenon, noting how hormonal clarity during perimenopause and menopause often coincides with women recognizing they've been settling for relationships that don't serve them. Economic independence allows women to leave situations their mothers and grandmothers couldn't escape, leading to increased midlife divorces and subsequent re-entry into dating.
A major myth-busting focus emerged around modern dating being "harder than ever." Gandhi argues that technology simply provides more options than the historical six-block radius of potential partners. The real challenge isn't the dating landscape but the lack of education around relationship skills - something we'd never expect someone to master without training in any other life area.
If this episode gave you hope about finding love at any age, help other women discover this conversation by subscribing to the channel and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help more women find the support they need for all aspects of midlife transitions.
Highlights:
- Why "fixing your picker" matters more than finding matches.
- The cultural challenges of South Asian dating expectations.
- How perimenopause clarity contributes to "gray divorce".
- Debunking the myth that modern dating is impossible.
- Red flags: inconsistency, not respecting boundaries, too much too soon.
- Success stories from clients in their 70s finding love.
- Teaching relationship skills to teenagers and young adults.
Connect with Bela:
Connect with me:
Mentioned in this episode:
GSM Collective
The GSM Collective - Chicago Boutique concierge gynecology practice Led by Dr. Sameena Rahman, specialist in sexual medicine & menopause Unrushed appointments in a beautiful, private setting Personalized care for women's health, hormones, and pelvic floor issues Multiple membership options available Ready for personalized women's healthcare? Visit our Chicago office today.
Transcripts
Hi everyone, welcome back to Gyno Girl Presents Sex, Drugs and Hormones. I'm Dr. Smeena Raman, board certified gynecologist, menopause specialist and sexual medicine expert in Chicago. Today I am super thrilled to be joined by the amazing Bella Gandhi, a nationally recognized dating and relationship expert and founder of the Smart Dating Academy. She's been featured on Good Morning America, the Today Show and so much more actually. And she's helped thousands of people transform how they approach love.
Together we're going to talk about dating and midlife relationships through transitions like perimenopause and menopause and really how to rewrite your love story at any stage of life. Thank you, Bella. So great that you came on today. Yeah, I've heard like just, you know, so much about you before we met recently and everyone was like, you got to meet Bella. got to meet Bella. Yeah. And, and Bella and I were recently on a panel together recently. Was it just like?
Bela (:I'm so excited to be here.
Bela (:Aww, that's, that warms my heart.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:weeks ago. Yeah, and it was over at Beyond, which is this huge, like, super health club in Chicago, and it was fun. It was so much fun. But thanks. I'm so excited. I let's just get right into it, because so many people want to know about all of this stuff. And so, you know, we're approaching perimenopause, you know, awareness month, I want to definitely talk about midlife changes, but
Bela (:Yeah, was a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing.
Bela (:You're amazing and I'm very lucky to be here.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I want to first, like you've been called the fairy godmother of dating by so many. And I feel like I want to know like what inspired you to start Smart Dating Academy and how is your approach like different than other people.
Bela (:So I think you'll relate to this as the daughter.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I know in my head this is probably worse. Like I wonder if that's it. I wonder if it's because of the aunties.
Bela (:my God, I am the child of Indian immigrants who were met on a Sunday, were engaged on Thursday, married 72 hours later. And so after, and I would say I started dating in high school and college and it's like the redder the flag, the better, the badder the boy. I was so all in, you got a motorcycle, great, right on my checklist. Not the motorcycles are bad, but I, you know, certainly.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yes.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yes!
Bela (:And after I had my heart broken for the fourth time, and I was like, God, the common denominator in all of this, and I tried to externalize it, but I was like, hold on, the common denominator in this is me. Who am I picking and why? Right? And I started to notice certain parallels, certain patterns. Then I am a perpetual, I was that.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah. Yeah.
Bela (:kid, the Gen Xer that was always in the self-help aisle trying to learn how to solve my own problems because my parents were immigrants and they didn't date. So it was like, okay. And so I put my own model together.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, yeah, nor do they care about your small little problem, right? Like they're like, get over it already. Sorry!
Bela (:get over it study this is it's not the time to think about boys you get your degrees and so
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, you're not like them, okay, you're not American like even though you're American like
Bela (:Right, I mean, it's like, okay. And so I put my own model together, which led me to start dating my now husband of over 20 years. I started to teach all of my friends how to do this when we were in our 20s. I'm like, my gosh, that's a red flag. This is why you're attracted to this. This is what you need to do instead. If he's not treating you like this, we're getting rid of this one. You gotta move out.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Really?
Bela (:Like, get out of this, we're gonna find you someone better. And so everybody, including me, from this time, they're all in great relationships. So I did &A right out of school, then I had a manufacturing company, we did chemicals and polymers, and then my family and I sold that business. So I was lucky enough to start this business in 2009. And I always tell people, I understand you because I was you. And that's why I put...
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's so...
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:start coming to me.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Amazing.
Yeah, yeah, there's something here.
Bela (:this together. Why? We're not taught to pick the right people. Whether you're the kid of immigrants or your family has been here for 18 generations or you're listening to this from another country. Who goes to dating school and who's taught how to find love? Nobody. And so we're here to change that. So that's why I got into doing what I'm doing, Samina.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah. Nobody. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so.
that's amazing. so is that how you feel like you approach it differently? Because I don't even know like in terms of when you think about what are the people that are doing something in this space, you know, it's potentially just some of the apps, right? Like the random swipes and apps that is not even dating, but that's how people date, right? Like you're actually teaching people how to date, but other people are just dating through these apps or maybe they're getting set up with people. But actually you're teaching them how to pick the right person.
Right. Is that right. Yeah.
Bela (:Amen. You just took the words out of my mouth. Brilliant, Dr. Simeone. Literally, we're teaching people to fix their pickers, right? People think matchmakers are the holy grail. like, a matchmaker is like human Tinder. No disrespect. They're going to look out there and say, well, OK, you want this? He wants this? OK, great. It's like bio data. OK, here's the person. You're a bio data. Yeah. And so and
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Only we can do that.
Bela (:Right, exactly, exactly. We're both in the diaspora. And the point is, is nobody knows if somebody's actually good relationship bet for you. So that is where what we're doing is so much more valuable and deeper and personalized than matchmaking, which is basically, here's someone and you ask a matchmaker, where'd you find this person? walking in the park or I'm LinkedIn, right? It's like, okay.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bela (:Hold on a second, Nobody's going to do this work for us, ladies and gentlemen. You have to learn how to do this and then have somebody help you like a personal trainer for your love life. Make sure date by date, message by message that this person is actually good for you.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:don't
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, no, that's so interesting. Because like, you know, people have their own preconceptions, right? Like, I'm gonna, I really want someone that is like, six, one and like, you know, they just come up with these, I'm sure they come to you with what what what they would want in someone, right? And then do you sit and talk to them about like, why is it that you're picking these characteristics?
Bela (:We'd actually overhaul their checklist and they don't battle it at all. So we have a series of exercises. We call these people high GHQ partners, high and good husband qualities or high and good partner qualities if you're a woman who's not seeking a man. So, but we have a series of exercises that needs people. We don't have to be like, hey, look, this isn't important and that's not important and you're being too picky. I want you to be picky about the right things.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:amazing. Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Uh-huh.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yes.
Bela (:I want you to be picky about the things that are going to go the distance and make you happy and feel safe in your relationship because that a deep and abiding friendship ultimately is what will stand the test of time as you navigate the vicissitudes of a normal relationship. You're married, you have kids. It's work. It's a lot of work. And you want to make sure that you are picking the right person
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:It's a lot of work.
Bela (:to partner with because this person will determine 90 % of your happiness or 90 % of your misery. You pick.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Right. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's so interesting because, you know, I was just the USA Today just did an article on the menno divorce, right? And I was just quoted in a little bit of it because they asked me questions about why menopause or perimenopause might be contributing to people's menno divorces that are happening because there's midlife patients or midlife women are now divorcing at higher rates than non midlife women or whatever. Are you and so.
It's interesting for me to hear you say all this because I feel like for people that get married super young in their 20s and whatever, they don't, maybe they don't know what they should be looking for because, and then they end up in this pivotal point in perimenopause where your hormones are crazy fluctuating. And then all of a sudden you get some clarity once you feel better about where you're at, you know, hormonally, you get a little bit, I like to call it midlife clarity. Like all of a sudden you have clarity, like what,
Bela (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:What should I have been looking for? Like, why did I stay with that person?
Bela (:Yeah, I think that you're right. There are a lot of divorces if I'm answering the right question.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I was heading to a question, but then I was like, let me hear what you have to say about this.
Bela (:No, think that, you know, gray divorces, that's what they're called. I don't love the name, right? But I think that divorcing when the kids are growing or grown, right? And you get your hormones sort of reinvigorated and you work with somebody like Dr. Samina to really get yourself regulated. And then you're you pull you have that moment where you're like, oh, shit, why have I been tolerating somebody who's been treating me so badly and giving me crumbs?
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Right.
Bela (:for this long so you can approach this chapter with the strength that you may not have had and to your point, this clarity at like, I don't want to be treated like this anymore. I'm ready for Bella 2.0 or Samina 2.0 or whatever your name is. Like you don't have to sit in this anymore. And I think as women become more socioeconomically powerful, right?
We're not trapped anymore like maybe our moms and our grandmothers and our great grandmothers were, right? We can say, I've had it and this isn't serving me anymore and I don't have to sit here trapped anymore.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Absolutely. I think it's very empowering for so many people. What do you think, we talk about like what people believe about dating or not dating. What are the biggest myths that you see people saying to you about like the dating world or like what's happening with dating nowadays?
Bela (:I think people say dating sucks now. It's harder than ever. Everybody's disconnected. They're relying on the apps. think humans are humans. And as you well know, we haven't evolved much in the last 200,000 years as a species, Evolutionarily. Relationships have always been incredibly important to us, and they still are. And so if you look at it from, okay, I can use technology.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:you
Bela (:to help me to find people that I wouldn't have been able to find 70 years ago, right? We married people that lived within a six block radius of us, maybe that we went to school with, that our parents set us up with, but today there's so many more options. So instead of being gloom and doom about listening to the, know, if it bleeds, it leads news headlines, throw all of that away and just go, my God, there's never been a better time for me.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:to get out there and rewrite my story. I just have to learn how to do this the right way. Would you ever, it astounds me that people think that dating is just something you should come out of the womb and know how to do. You wanna learn to be a doctor, you go to medical school. You wanna learn to be a lawyer, you go to law school. But to do the most important thing you'll ever do, which is choose a partner, just go out there and get on Tinder. Figure it out, like WTF.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I have to move.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:go out to figure it out. So true, actually. And yeah, and you know, and coming from the culture that we come from, South Asian culture, where, you know, you're really not even supposed to be really dating or intermingling, but you hit a point, your career set, it's time for you to get married. This is what a lot of my doctor friends and I always talk about is that, you know, especially from the more conservative religious backgrounds, don't date, don't talk, don't do anything. And then you hit a certain age, you're in med school, you just finished med school.
Why aren't you, why didn't you find someone to marry? Yeah. Like what? Wait, well, how was I supposed to do that when I was supposed to not talk to boys for the first 30 years of my life?
Bela (:Why aren't you married?
Bela (:And I tell South Asian parents, it's bad messaging. At any age, let your kids date in high school, let your kids date in college, give them a curriculum, teach them how to do this, right? I have a 17 year old and a 21 year old, right? They are in the thick of dating. This is teachable. Are your kids always gonna listen to you? No, but if you send them to someone else,
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:They'll listen to that person, right? And so it really, it's never too early to start thinking about this and talking about it. Cause you're right. So many South Asians will come to me and even non South Asians, like don't worry about a partner. Just get your career straightened out first and everything else will follow. No, the partner's not going to fall out of the freaking sky. And a good one.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:No.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I know, I know. And a good one, exactly. So you also work with teenagers then, potentially.
Bela (:Yeah, we're starting to counsel kids. Parents are investing, which I think is so smart in teaching their kids how to do this. If your kids don't know what green flags and red flags are, right? And my kids' friends, now they're like, can I just come up to your office really quick? I'm like, absolutely, open door policy pro bono. If you're my kids' friends, come on in. And yeah, will, absolutely. These kids face the same challenges.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:Oh my gosh, I've been dating somebody for a year and they've cheat is they cheated. They let someone else put their arms around my waist. Is this cheating? Is it not? These kids have the same questions as 35 year olds do. What's okay, right? If somebody bails on you twice, right? Like, we're supposed to hang out, but oh, I'm so sorry. My girlfriend actually needs me tonight. I'm like, if she didn't try to reschedule with you, it's a red flag.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:for sure.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Uh-huh.
Bela (:We're not, and so I'm so, I'm more passionate than ever, Samina, and maybe because my kids are in this. I started out coaching people in their 20s when I was in my 20s. Now, I coach people that are older, but, and now I have these kids that are in my house. I'm like, my God, every kid needs this help. Imagine what the world would look like.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I should be coaching them to. Yeah. Yeah. I know that's so true. Okay, so imagine I come to you like, you know, recently divorced or widowed or whatever as a midlife woman. And I have no idea what I'm doing because it's been, you know, 20 years since I've been like on the market. What do do? Like, how do you start?
Bela (:my gosh. have so at Smart Dating Academy, we have an entire process that is like, I'm going to wrap you up in pink sparkly bubble wrap, and we're not going to let you get dinged up during the process. Right. my gosh, you and me both. And so that's what we do for the women that come to us. It's like, okay, our first session with people is three hours after they filled out a dossier of really important questions and questionnaires that help.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:love it. I love pink sparkly stuff.
Bela (:You, dear listener, get to the root of you. Tell us about your family of origin. All of the people you've dated to or been married to. What worked? What didn't work? What was their responsibility? What was yours? And you start to look for like young Bella, like, my God, the common denominator. And a lot of this is me. And then we teach you our process. We'll help you to define what are the qualities that are going to make you happy in your next long-term relationship, right? And those take a long time to develop.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:huh.
Bela (:What are the red flags that are going to come along that are going to get somebody sussed out of here, whether it's text in their profile or three months into exclusivity? So teaching you your own green flags, teaching you red flags that you might not even be aware of again, because society teaches us a lot of garbage like butterflies are good. You want butterflies in your stomach when you're dating. No, that's a that's just nonsense. Butterflies are anxiety. It's your intuition saying get the hell out of Dodge. Run.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:So true. Wow. Yeah.
Bela (:And so correcting all of these myths, so we teach you a process and then hold your hand through this week over week with the support. We're in the weeds, girl. We are looking at profiles, helping people message. We have dating scorecards. So when I say we're wrapping you in pink sparkly bubble wrap, I'm for real. We got the tools, we have graphs. What should healthy relationships look like over time?
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:huh.
Bela (:What do unhealthy ones look like? This is what happens when you get a finance major and a manufacturing person that becomes a dating coach. There's a lot more tools than I could have given you at 22.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:love this. Right.
Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, that's amazing, actually. so then do you actually do you have profiles of people that they should date as well? Like, do you have people or do you just say like, these are the apps we're going to use?
Bela (:These are the apps we're going to use. because no matter what.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Like, do you have other people within your academy that you might consider like matching people up? It's not matchmaking, but it's, right.
Bela (:if I, and I have on occasion, found two people where I'm like, my God, you two need to meet. We will match up a client. I've also done this to say, I think you should be friends with this woman. She works with us, right? Because community and friendship is what so many women in midlife are missing and craving. And that connection of having a supportive network around you,
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:No.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's right.
Bela (:only makes dating more fun. So we help connect you with other smart daters within our network. So you're surrounded with positivity.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:that's great. Yeah, yeah. Like it's all like a bunch of wingmen or wingwomen. Yeah.
Bela (:Yes, and women that aren't heavy down or gloom and doom like, my God, this sucks. It's like, okay, you know what? That's okay. Bless and release this person. That's our motto. If they just, they don't call you back, bless them, release them and onwards.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, yeah, no, that's great because I do find that, you know, sometimes you can have toxic friendships when you're dating. I remember that being in that stage of life where, you know, you're meeting people and you tell someone about them and that person's in a really bad place in their life and all they spew towards you is negativity. Like, that's gonna, you know, and I even remember with my husband telling somebody and they're like, that person sounds like they're not right for you. And I'd be like, would you say that? But they're in a negative state, you know, that they can't get themselves out of.
Bela (:Yes.
Bela (:100%.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:And so I think it's really important like who you surround yourself with. What kind of advice do you give someone that's reentering the scene after being for so long out of it? know, not even like there are people that don't even, that have never done online dating, right? Like I don't even know what that looks like. So what kind of stuff do you tell someone from the get-go?
Bela (:I would say get some help around this because it's available, right? So often, if you wanted to be a great golfer, you would get a golf pro and learn how to do this because what so many singles tell me is when they get out there and they haven't done it on their own, they feel like when they get on an app, somebody's launched them into the Atlantic Ocean at midnight with no life vest on. And then they quickly shut down and say, my God, this is terrible. So have somebody.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:it.
Bela (:show you the ropes through this. That's the first thing I would tell you and somebody that knows what they're doing, don't think that you have to do this alone because it can feel so isolating. And if you're single and listening to this, sometimes your married friends are gonna want your stories as their entertainment. And you're nobody's brunch stories.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's so true. That's very good actually. That's so true. I've seen that in so many of my own friends. Do you think, and so like you probably have good knowledge of all the apps out there and then the up and coming apps and so.
Bela (:Yeah, we give everybody a site strategy, an app strategy. We have a photo studio that we refer people to to really just get good updated photos that are gonna make a difference in the apps. Cause you've got to put your best foot forward. How do you write about yourself? Right? I mean, we have the best selling authors that are like, my God, how do I write about myself in 150 words? I'm like, we will help you. I wrote a book during COVID that gives you
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's it.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:that's so good. Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I'm so good.
Bela (:all the prompts to write the perfect profile. it's, you know, it can, it can feel daunting, but you know what? Don't let it.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's really good. And so like as you're navigating someone with all through all of this, like what are some of the things that you would identify as like red flags for people? Like how do you help them navigate red flags?
Bela (:If somebody is just too much too soon and won't respect your wishes of, I can't see you tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday and Monday, right? It's like, I always tell people, even if it's a great date, wait a week, let it chill, leave space for other people. So if somebody isn't respecting your wishes or they have a negative reaction to something that you've said and you've said it nicely, then that's a red flag, right? Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:Absolutely. Somebody that is inconsistent is a red flag. I don't want somebody blowing up your phone either, right? Sometimes when, you know, guys all, they like you and they'll send you 27 texts during the day and you're a busy, successful, professional person. You're not texting all day and you don't want somebody blowing up your phone. So if you can say, hey, listen, I don't check my phone very much during the day because
I'm in meetings all day, so it might take until the evening for me to respond to you. If they say, you know what, you're not as emotionally invested as I am in this process, peace out.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I do this. Yeah. You know when I got time for that. So there's so much actually that you could like really look into when it I'm sure you've picked up patterns. I'm sure. Do you have actually if you think about some of your clients and like especially like midlife and you do men and women, right? OK. And so some of your clients who have had like some really great success stories, do you have one in mind like an
Bela (:We out.
Bela (:Absolutely.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:like an inspiring success story from another midlife patient or client.
Bela (:Yeah, mean, gosh, there's so many. I worked with the famous podcaster who had me on her podcast to become her dating coach and coached her through the process. And she is six feet tall, was 56 years old, married to a narcissist, reentered the dating world and refused. She was like, unless they're taller than me, I'm absolutely not going to go out with them. And so
We spent some time looking for people that were 6'1", 6'2", 6'3", which by the way is only 12 % of the male population over six feet tall. so finally one day after she was just fed up with her own choices, I said, what if we even set the height to your height, to six feet? Let's just see what happens. In comes a guy on her hinge account. They go out on a date, they meet for apps.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Uh-huh.
Bela (:He was amazing. She's like, I actually think he was slightly shorter than me. But by the time we were finished with our drink and our app, I was so taken by his kindness and the fact that he drove three hours to meet me, right? Before I left, he cleaned the windshield off of my car in Seattle from the snow. She's like, it didn't matter. And they are now incredibly happily married and
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:huh. huh.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Wow.
Bela (:And yeah, and they live in their fairy tale home in Washington state. So I've had women that have come out of two divorces, client named Marilyn, who is in Chicago, and one narcissist was worse than the other. And she said, I saved up to invest in coaching because I really believe that I need help. And she went through the process and ended up marrying the most amazing guy that was from the suburbs.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I hope.
Bela (:who actually brought her flowers on the first date and she was convinced she was being love bombed. said, just because somebody brings you flowers doesn't mean he's love bombing you. If he filled your house tomorrow with 85 bouquets, we would say love bombing. She's like, oh my gosh, that's so funny. I've been listening to love bombers. I'm like, no, that's not love bombing. And they are now married. They've been married for years and they're.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah. All right. Then that's it.
Bela (:super happy blended their families and she texts me every year on their one year anniversary, shouts me out on LinkedIn. So love is out there for you ladies. It just, I want you to tell yourself love exists for me. It's a when, not an if.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Uh-huh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:That's so beautiful actually, feel like. And you know, it's so interesting what you get used to and accustomed to in a relationship, right? Because I have had friends who were like, well, you know, he actually paid for my first meal. You know, there's certain things that like, you know, some people come to expect and other people don't even realize that that should have been like a given for, you know, certain scenarios. just.
It's so interesting to see how your mindset has to change in so many ways, right?
Bela (:Yeah, and really looking at what's important versus what's not. And again, friends will tell us, my God, if he doesn't pay or if this doesn't happen or if he doesn't walk on the curbside of the street, everybody has their own algorithms that they run by, but that doesn't mean those are right or right for you. And that's where we come in to say that doesn't matter, but this does.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I think.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, no, that's very true, actually. And I was thinking about someone who was on a date with someone and she was like, you know, he was totally focused on me. He didn't even notice the beautiful girl in the next table. And I was like, well, he shouldn't have noticed. Like, did you expect him to like turn around and like look at some other woman while she's why is with you? And so, you know, it's interesting because she was so used to the person that she had previously been with, who would always look at other women as they came by.
Bela (:Wow, wow, yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I know. Yeah, well, that's not what he should have been doing. You know, like, and so it's interesting.
Bela (:And you hit such a great nail on the head. When you become accustomed to this kind of bad behavior, you almost find good behavior reprehensible. Or why would he do that? Why didn't he notice the beautiful person sitting next to us? It's like, wait, what?
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
That's true. That's very true, too. my god. mean, Bella, it sounds like you've done some like, I bet you go to a lot of weddings because people are like, you have to come to my wedding since you
Bela (:my gosh, hold on. Sitting on my desk right now are literally invitations. Like this was a wedding last weekend. This is coming up. It's amazing. Absolutely. So it's the biggest honor to be invited to people's weddings. And not everybody wants to get married. And that's fine, right? But when they do, it's amazing.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:No. Right. That's fine too. Yeah. Yeah. No, because that's such a gift to be able to help someone like really find the person. Because, know, as we age and as you get older and as your kids move out and your parents are passing away, you know, other all these things happen in life. And you realize that for some people is really important, you know, their partner, because that's what, you know, that's what's and I'm not trying to say for people that don't have a partner, like it's not important to find someone. But I feel like
that aspect of this is a person I'm growing old with, right? Like you never realize how important that little piece of information that you never, you're right, you never learn how to do it. Like you never learn, yeah.
Bela (:You never learn how to do it. And if you look at the divorce statistics, they bear out 40 to 50 % of first marriages end in divorce. When people try it again unassistedly and they just get back out there, 67 % of second marriages end in divorce, 74 % of third marriages. So we have to sit back and say, okay, what's going on with me? Who am I picking and why? Human beings tend to do what's comfortable.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, that's so interesting.
Bela (:not what's right for us, right?
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Right. Yeah, there's a lot of self analysis that has to happen, I guess, in that respect, right?
Bela (:Yeah, and self analysis and Samina, has to be people say knowledge is power. What I actually think is more true is execution is power, having the right information and then doing the right thing at the right moment. People will say, well, I know what a narcissist is. I've listened to all these podcasts and I've read all these books. like, but when you're in the arena, OK, what you going to do, girlfriend, who you going to pick?
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's true. It's like do as I say, not as I do. Because at the end of the day, end up doing the same thing. Well, I know you were saying that you're doing some new events or there's new offerings within the Academy for midlife women. So I want you to shout that out because I really feel like this is such a pivotal moment for so many people who either
Bela (:Yeah, right.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:or ending relationships or starting relationships or deciding if that's for them or not. But I think it's very scary to go out and date when you haven't in so long. And so I love what you told me in the beginning that you're doing some new services or new offerings.
Bela (:Yeah, so we have what we call a Love Lab workshop. This is what we call their three hour live small group workshops on Zoom on Monday, September 15th from 6 to 9 p.m. Central, where you'll be in a small group with me, my head dating coach and totally surrounded. You'll meet other amazing people in this workshop and we'll teach for 90 minutes and then we open it up.
to open forum Q and A, where you will hear not only be able to ask your own question to us, you will be able to hear all of these other amazing people that just went through the same training. You're gonna be able to hear questions that you might not have even thought about asking. So it's an amazing workshop. It's called Dating During Midlife and Over 50. So it really encompasses everybody from your late 30s to your 80s.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:wow. Yeah.
Bela (:It's never too early and it's never too late.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Wow.
I believe that I would say like this. I have patients that come to me in their 70s on their second and third marriage. Like I just had a patient who was like, you got to fix my vagina because I'm ready.
Bela (:I love that once she once you fix the badge send her over to me.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah, and so we did that and she is like, you know, trying to, I think she's dating someone like 10 or 15 years younger than her, which is great. Like it's really a lot of fun for her. Exactly. And so I think that, you know, again, endless possibilities and we only have one life to live. So I feel like we have to, we have to do the best that we can. Okay. I've been ending my podcasts on something I call the Vagilante Verdict because my listeners, my
Bela (:Good for her.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:My husband has deemed them vagilantes. The vagilante verdict is your hot take on dating, smart dating, whatever it is for the listeners. What's your hot take? Your vagilante verdict.
Bela (:I
Bela (:It's so worth it. Date. Put yourself out there. There's nothing more important in your life than having the right lid to your pot, right? And if you're in something that isn't serving you and you're settling for crumbs or there's red flags or you're sitting at home post divorce or maybe you've lost a partner and you're just scared, remember, courage is doing something in spite of the fear.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:Do it.
You deserve love and you're worth love and you're worth really juicy, amazing, delightful, safe, fun love. And it's out there.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I love it. love it. I love that. love it. It's never too late to find the love that you need to, right? It's like never too
Bela (:Never. I have clients in their 70s. They've come back to my podcast to tell their stories about how you were my last hope. I was 71. My husband cheated on me. I tried this on my own for 10 years. And then we got in there and she was doing certain things well. We had to tweak a bunch of other things. And in walks, in our client Cathy's life, in walks Ruben and she's like, ugh.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Yeah.
Bela (:He's out of state, he's three hours away and he's six years younger, about to delete. And her coach Eileen was like, no, look at his message. Like, this looks good. Let's do a video date. Okay. See, they did eight video dates, Samina, before they met the first time. On their ninth date, he drove out to visit her. They just had a commitment ceremony. He asked her daughter for her permission.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:huh. huh. huh. huh.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:Dr. Sameena Rahman (34:54.102)
wow!
my God, love it. my God. my God. That's beautiful. That's wonderful. Actually. Yeah. that's so sweet. love it. I love it. That's such, I mean, you're doing such great work. just, think this is brings so much hope to people. I'm going to send you a couple of people and you work with people all over the world, right?
Bela (:I'm like, I'm dead.
Yeah, it's never too late, ladies, vagilantes.
Bela (:all over the world. have clients in Australia, Italy, the UK, Chicago, New York, you name it. We have clients all over Canada, everywhere.
Dr. Sameena Rahman (:I love that. Okay, awesome. Well, thank you so much, Bella. This has been wonderful. I want to be cognizant of your time and thanks so much for being on today. This wraps up another conversation on Gyno Girl Presents Sex, Drugs and Hormones. Huge thank out to you. Your wisdom, your warmth, your passion is so compelling. I just hope that people find you so that they can find love because I feel like everybody needs that, they need the companionship. People need to grow old with someone or...
And we know that contributes to longevity, know? And so I feel like it's really important. But I hope everyone's enjoyed today's episode. Please subscribe, share with other people in the Vagilante community. And remember, I'm here to educate so you could advocate. So join me for my next episode. Yay.
Bela (:Absolutely.
Bela (:You're the best.
