Shownotes
On Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, hosted by Avik Chakraborty, Karen Uslin shares a deeply human conversation about adoption, cultural memory, and learning to live with unanswered questions.
This episode is for anyone navigating fragmented family histories, migration, loss, or identity confusion. Karen explores how healing often begins not by solving every mystery, but by gently accepting what shaped us and choosing peace anyway.
About the Guest
Karen Uslin is a cultural historian, educator, and researcher focused on identity, heritage, adoption, and cultural memory. Her work explores how people reconnect with fragmented personal and ancestral stories.
Episode Chapters
- 00:00 – Why identity shapes inner peace
- 03:10 – Karen’s adoption journey and self-discovery
- 08:12 – The hidden weight of missing family stories
- 13:45 – Living with unanswered identity questions
- 19:02 – Heritage, ancestry, and emotional connection
- 24:16 – Making peace with what may never be known
- 28:10 – Healing through grace, acceptance, and belonging
Key Takeaways
- Identity continues evolving throughout life
- Missing heritage stories can quietly affect emotional well-being
- Curiosity about personal history is natural and healthy
- Healing can happen even without every answer
- Meeting people where they are creates deeper peace
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Transcripts
00:00:09 Nazish: Welcome to Inner Peace Better Health, a show where we explore the connection between inner life that's at peace and body mind spirit that can finally heal. I am Nazish and today I'm in conversation with Doctor Karen. Karen is a cultural historian and a consultant whose work lives at the intersection of identity, heritage, and cultural memory. She helps individuals and communities make sense of who they are when their histories are complex, fragmented or lost, especially in stories involving adoption, migration and disrupted family narratives. She is currently director of research of the Defiant Quilliam Foundation, teaches at both the Catholic University of America and Stockton University, and brings a unique perspective shaped by her own lived experience as an adoptee. Today we are talking about something tender and important how identity and heritage shapes our inner peace and what it comes to home to ourselves. When the story isn't whole. Karen, I welcome you to the show.
00:01:20 Karen Uslin: Thank you for having me.
00:01:24 Nazish: Before we go ahead, listeners, some. Yeah, some statements reflect personal beliefs and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. Listeners should consult a qualified professional for medical conditions.
00:01:43 Nazish: So, Karen, before we step into the bigger themes, I want to ask you something. When you look back at the very first time, the question of identity, who am I really landed on you? That kind of moment that quietly redirected your relationship with your own story. What comes to your mind?
00:02:05 Karen Uslin: Probably the first time I really started giving identity thought was when I was in university, when I was attending college here in the United States. That's when I really started to think about what is identity. And also, as an adoptee, how does that affect how I view my identity? And that just sort of opened the path for everything that I've done since, you know, even my academic career was very much based on this idea of cultural memory and heritage and legacy. And so I would say, you know, probably within when I was around eighteen, nineteen years old is when I really distinctly remember feeling like I needed to know more about that question of identity.
00:02:56 Nazish: Absolutely. I mean, that is your lived experience and that is what makes this conversation even better. And I think there's a misconception that identity is something we just have or like in that like inherited fact. And that piece is something separate, something we work on with mindfulness and self-care. But your work suggests that the two are far more intertwined than that. From what you have seen, what is the biggest misunderstanding people carry about how identity and inner peace are actually connected?
00:03:30 Karen Uslin: I think one of the biggest things that people come across is I think there's actually two things. One, that we automatically are fully formed in our identity from the day we're born, or two, that finding the missing pieces of our identity is the end of the story. Identity is ever changing and ever evolving. And as we grow and go through life and have new experiences, that's all going to affect our identity and how we see ourselves and how we see ourselves and our place in the world. So even when you're starting off trying to find questions or answers to questions that you may have about your identity, just because those questions get answered doesn't mean that the process of growing is finished.
00:04:27 Nazish: Yes, I believe that because growing is something that happens throughout our entire life. Like every stage of our life, there is something that we grow and we come out as a better person.
00:04:39 Karen Uslin: Yes. And I think especially for people who whether it's by adoption, whether it's from war, migration, whatever the situation may be, that maybe there's questions in their identity or cultural heritage. I think sometimes people get so wrapped up in finding the answers to those questions, because they think that that's going to complete them as a human being. And the truth is, we're never a finished story. You know, our story continues through the rest of our life. So to say that finding that information out is going to completely set your identity in stone for the rest of your life is not true. It's wonderful having those pieces, but the process doesn't stop just because you find those pieces.
00:05:34 Nazish: You know, this distinction is so important because inner peace isn't the only isn't only about what you're feeling today. It is also about what we know or we don't about where we came from. And when. There is a missing piece in that story. It just doesn't disappear.
00:05:54 Karen Uslin: No it doesn't. And I think, you know, like I said, I think that sometimes can be a hard thing for people to, especially people who have been looking for answers for a while, you know, um, this idea of inner inner peace. I mean, that's why we're trying to find answers to these questions when we don't have them. But I think the idea that we will automatically, everything in life gets figured out the second you find out all these pieces is just not. That's not how it works. And also it's not how it should work, because I don't think anyone should ever get to the point where they feel like there's not more growing they can do. And if you're going to grow and change throughout your life, that means your identity and how you view your identity is going to change throughout your life.
00:06:46 Nazish: I completely agree with that. You know, underneath those fragmented or disrupted family narratives, the adoption stories, the migration stories, the names that were changed, there's a there's always a deeper layer at play. So from your work and your own life, what do you think is that deeper layer that people do not often recognize when they're carrying it?
00:07:10 Karen Uslin: You know, I think I can speak for myself. You know, I was a new I'm an adoptee and I was a newborn adoptee. So I went right home to my mom and dad, who raised me from the hospital. So my adopted family, that's been my family for my entire life. I was with them from the time I was five days old. And so when I was growing up, I think adoption was kind of a bullet point in who I was as a kid and as a teenager. I just I mean, it's the kind of thing where, yes, you know, I knew, of course, everybody in my family knew it wasn't like it was this secret brushed under the rug or anything. But I don't think I thought that it really affected me until I started getting into, you know, more deeper questions of wanting to know my cultural heritage. And you know, what, um, what qualities and on that front might be there that kind of led me to approach life the way that I did. And that's when I started realizing, oh, there's probably a little more something here than I gave it. I gave it credit for. Um, I think, you know, especially when you have, when, you know, you sort of have a fragmented cultural history, but you've grown up with that being the normal thing. You don't think so much necessarily that it affects you until you get to a point where you can't deny that it affects you. And I think for me also, I should say I never felt that that missing. I never felt that those missing pieces of my cultural heritage were going to replace what I was raised with. I still very much count the cultural heritage from my mom and dad that I was raised with as my own. But you know, there's a story out there about you that you yourself do not know. And I think, you know, when you know that there is information in other places about you and you don't know that information, it's natural to want to find what those pieces are.
00:09:21 Nazish: I can believe that you are always the. You know, the curiosity is always there. And when it is about your own history and your own culture, I believe that just rises to another level.
00:09:34 Karen Uslin: Yes. And I think also too, like I said, you know, as we you know, as I got older, I definitely felt that a little more. Now, part of it too, is because I ended up in my academic career going into East European studies, broadly speaking, and I have ancestry, biological ancestry, that is Eastern European. And so I really wanted to know what that piece of the puzzle was, which was kind of why I started looking into things to begin with. Um, now the more I found out, of course, the more questions I have, the more things that I want to find out. I've been very lucky to find out a lot of information and to be in contact with my biological family. Um, but you know, that's why I'm saying even having all those pieces doesn't mean that I feel like my identity is fully formed. There are absolutely a million things I'm still learning and questions that I'm still asking and things that I'm still curious about and, and want to know about.
00:10:44 Nazish: I want to bring this to everyday life. Like, you know, through what unresolved heritage identity actually looks like in someone's life, someone whose life appears on the outside to be perfectly fine, like the capable, well-functioning adult.
00:11:06 Karen Uslin: Yeah. And I think, you know, this is the thing. Anybody who knew me, especially in my twenties and 30s, I'll be forty four In June, I think anybody who knew me in my twenties and 30s would not have thought that I was struggling with questions of identity. I think, you know, in everyday life what it what it comes up as is more this sort of constant background knowledge that there's a piece missing somewhere. Um, and for me, it just got to a point where I was not going to be able to be okay with that piece permanently missing. Now. In the case of adoption, some adoptees want to know, you know, from day one what their cultural heritage is. I had mild curiosity as a kid, but it wasn't the kind of thing that was a priority for me. But especially as I got further into my academic career and further into the work that I do now, it felt like I needed to know what those pieces were in order to approach my life and career in a stronger way.
00:12:22 Nazish: I mean, if it does not, I get, I guess, all all in all, it is about what makes you better at the end of the day.
00:12:31 Karen Uslin: Yeah. And I think, you know, this is why I went into it. I know, you know, some people will go into this because they feel like a piece of themselves is missing. And while I understand that on one hand, on the other hand, I think sometimes that can be hard because if those pieces don't turn out the way that you think they will, that can be a really difficult thing to work through. And so I approached it more as this is the one part of my story that I don't know, and I want to feel that piece of the story in so that all the puzzle pieces connect together. And I think because I approached it that way, it made it a lot easier for me to learn. It made it a lot easier for me to integrate everything as I learned it. But you know, prior to that, you do walk around with this sense of knowing that there's something a little bit missing and it's just this kind of, like I said, it's almost like white noise in the background. And on some level you get used to it, but it's always there. And so once you learn what those pieces are, it just, you know, makes you feel better in general. And I feel like I can approach my work better and my, um, you know, my life in general better because I have those pieces in there.
00:14:01 Nazish: That is super true. And, you know, it actually lands so deeply because signs aren't so dramatic. They are like whispers and the the strange ache around certain things, like the discomfort with certain photos, certain holidays, and the question they keep meaning to ask and they never do. Those whispers are data, and we just haven't been taught to trust them.
00:14:31 Karen Uslin: Yeah. And I think, you know, the thing is, some people are afraid to be curious because they're afraid to find out what's on the other side. And I knew that going into it, I knew, okay, I'm going to open this door. I don't know what's on the other side, but it got to a point where, for me, knowing the truth was more important than any uncomfortable things I might find out. And, you know, I always tell people I had this unicorn of an adoption story as you could possibly ask for amazing parents, wonderful Family. Great childhood. Now I have my biological family in my life. That does not mean that it was easy, or that it was smooth sailing all the way through. It means that, you know, you're working through things in real time and you're processing things in real time. Um, you know, one of the things I think that hit me the hardest was once I did find out what my East European ancestry was, which is a very unique minority Slavic ancestry called Rusyn or Carpatho-rusyn Ruthenian. And they're a distinct ethnic group that's based around the Carpathian Mountains in Eastern Europe, but they are ultimately a minority people that have been persecuted throughout history. Well, my academic career was made out of doing Eastern Europe and Holocaust studies, which focuses on a minority people that were persecuted throughout history from the same part of the world. And so, you know, when you realize that and kind of see things that you fell into or things that you do that you can then directly see the connection, that's, I think when it hits hard and you do need some time to process that a little bit. But that's also why the process can take a long time. You know, it's overwhelming when you find everything out at once. So you have to sort of take one piece at a time and integrate it and sit with it a little bit and then move on to the next piece. I was one of the few adoptees who found out my biological mother and biological father's histories and sides of the family all at once, and it was overwhelming. I had to sort of sit and take one thing at a time in order to fully process it.
00:17:00 Nazish: I think you have lived such a Rigorous. You bring such a rigorous lens to this work, both academic and lived. So for someone listening right now who senses that they are carrying an unresolved piece of their own identity or heritage, and they don't want they don't know where to begin. What is a gentle first step you'd recommend them to do?
00:17:24 Karen Uslin: The first thing that I would do. You can't start looking until you know what you don't know. So you have to sort of look at your identity or your cultural heritage or your ancestry and figure out what you know and what you do not know. And once you have a list of what you do not know, then you can start figuring out what directions you need to go, whether that's going to municipal buildings for records, whether that's getting an ancestry dot com membership, whether that is, you know, Calling or emailing people to find out information, but you can't start that until you really understand what you do not know. Um, and also because it's good to take stock. You know, our identity in some ways is shaped so much by what we don't know as much as it is by what we do know. And so you have to sort of sit with that. What do I not know? And why do I want to find out the piece, these particular pieces. So that's the first thing that I say. You know, that I tell people I had to do that myself. I had to kind of sit down and go, okay, what do I not know? And what is it? From what I don't know, that I want to find. And you have to define that for yourself before really starting to kind of take the concrete steps to start figuring things out.
00:18:58 Nazish: That is such a tender truth and the smallest. The most honest steps. One. Often. Honest steps often do the deepest work in the terrain, not the dramatic discoveries.
00:19:12 Karen Uslin: Right. And the thing is not that there. I mean, there can be some dramatic discoveries along the way. I tell this to people who I do genealogy work for. I can find things for you, but I am in no way in control of what I find. So you have to understand that going in, that you might find out some tough things. You might find out some things that you don't like. I had that in my experience too, but I will say I still prefer knowing over not knowing. But you also have to understand that this is a process of baby steps. This is not. You suddenly wake up one day, you figure out what you don't know, and then two weeks later, you have the answers to every single question you have. It is a very long process and you have to understand you're going on a journey, not a sprint. You're going on a lifelong marathon, and you have to take it little by little because you'll get frustrated really fast if you try and take it a big step all at once.
00:20:21 Nazish: Yes, I agree with you. So for someone listening in right now who is quietly carrying a fragmented story and adoption, a migration that is was lost or rewritten, and they have been trying to find the inner peace without ever fully addressing that story. What would you want them to hear today?
00:20:44 Karen Uslin: I think sometimes the uncomfortable thing is that we eventually get to places in some aspects where you do have to make peace with what you do not know. And I'll say, you know, from my personal experience, there are things, details about around the time I was born or about my adoption that, you know, I will never know the answer to either because people have passed away or because memories are fragmented or, you know, because it's been, like I said, I'll be forty four in June and sometimes people just don't remember details. And so I've had to sort of make peace with the fact that there are certain things I will never know. Now, what I will say on the flip side of that is that to me, how I got to that peace was knowing that I did everything possible in my control to find those answers. So when I know that I did everything I could to find those answers, but I know that there's just no possible way for me to find them out now. Then I just have to go, okay? I've done everything I can in this moment, and I've done everything that I can do to find these answers. And they just are not there. And that's when I, you know, felt more peace with that aspect of things. And it's true even for people migration or, you know, sometimes records have been lost completely. Sometimes records have been destroyed. Sometimes the only recollection of something is in someone's memory. And if you never come across that person, you're never going to know. And so sometimes you just have to go, okay, I've done everything I can, and I've done it to the best of my ability. And this is just the answer, is that this is a question that will not get answered. And then you have to come to peace with with that. And I'm not saying it's easy, but I think you do get to a point where you go, I did everything I could, so I have no regrets going forward because I know I did everything that was humanly possible on my end.
00:23:00 Nazish: You have to give yourself a little credit. You have to be easy on yourself as well. And that is where I believe the real healing begins.
00:23:11 Karen Uslin: Yeah. And that's the other thing you have to give yourself grace and you have to give other people grace. You know, especially in cases of things like war or adoption, you know, understand that even if you did not grow up with trauma from those events, that doesn't mean that those events didn't cause trauma for other people. You know, for example, my mom had the trauma of going through many, many years of infertility treatments until I came along. My birth mother had the trauma of having to give me up. I didn't grow up feeling any trauma. I would not have said I was a child of trauma because I didn't feel that in any way, shape or form. But when I started looking into my cultural heritage and identity, that's when I realized, oh, but this event still there was trauma surrounding it from other people. And you have to respect another person's trauma. Um, and sometimes that also means getting to a place where if somebody's not willing to answer a question for you, you have to respect where that person is. And that's not to say they'll stay there forever, but sometimes you have to just go, okay, you know, they're not ready to go down that road. And so I've done my best. And I have to just accept that this is what it is.
00:24:35 Nazish: Yeah. See, I, I believe inner peace isn't only an emotional achievement. It is also a relational one. Like with people who shaped us with the stories we were given, with the parts of our heritage that were lost or fragmented along the way. And the deepest peace doesn't always come from filling in every blank. Sometimes it comes from finally letting yourself sit honestly with the blanks and choosing to belong to your own life anyway.
00:25:08 Karen Uslin: Very, very much so. And I think this is also where, you know, especially in questions with adoption or families got broken up for various reasons or, you know, people just, you know, it was too much trauma for them to kind of pass the history down. You have to always respect where people are. And adoptees, I think, do this a lot. You know, you go into wanting to meet your biological family, you want to get answers, you want to make connections with people. But sometimes those people aren't ready for those connections. I will say I have gotten extremely lucky. I have not really had that with my biological family. But that does happen. And you have to always remember that you have to meet people where they are. You can't meet them where you wish they would be. You can't force them to be where you want them to be. You have to meet them where they are and as they are, and respect that they have a process and healing that they're doing as well. Um, you know, I think ultimately what I've learned is that in very few cases are people truly trying to make someone's life miserable. I think everybody is doing the best they can with the tools they have at a given time. And especially looking back into the past, it may be frustrating because people didn't necessarily have tools or understandings of things the way we do today. But you have to respect the fact that they were doing the best they could at the time, and you have to meet them where they are.
00:26:47 Nazish: Lutely I, I completely agree with you. Karen. This has been such a layered and a beautiful conversation. So for our listeners who want to learn more about your work, follow your research. What is the best place for them to connect with you?
00:27:03 Karen Uslin: So the first place would be LinkedIn, because I do post a lot of the cultural heritage work that I do up there, and you can just find me under my name. And then the organization I work for, w w w dot defiant requiem dot org. You can see more of the cultural heritage work I do there, specifically with victims of the Holocaust and what my organization is doing with cultural heritage on that front.
00:27:32 Nazish: Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I will make sure to include all these details into the show notes, so that a lot of people can reach out to you and learn the best work from you.
00:27:42 Karen Uslin: Thank you so much. This was an amazing conversation. So thank you for having me.
00:27:47 Nazish: Absolutely. And dear listeners, inner peace. Better health is built on a simple truth that the body and the mind heal best when the inner world is no longer at war with itself. So here is something to carry with you from today. You don't need to complete the story to live peaceful life. You just need to stop pretending that the missing pieces don't matter. And the moment you finally let them matter gently, honestly, without rushing to resolve them, your whole inner world starts to soften in a way no other practice can quite reach. Thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you in the next conversation.
