Artwork for podcast Empower Her Wellness
Transform Your Life After Abusive Relationships
9th January 2025 • Empower Her Wellness • Shelly Drymon
00:00:00 00:49:49

Share Episode

Shownotes

Support the Podcast

Join us for a powerful conversation with Ivana Care who shares her inspiring journey of transformation after leaving an unhealthy relationship. Ivana candidly discusses the challenges she faced, including the emotional toll of navigating life as a single mother with limited resources. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing patterns in relationships and the necessity of self-healing, encouraging listeners to understand that there is nothing wrong with them despite past experiences. As she reflects on her own awakening, Ivana highlights the strength found in vulnerability and the vital role of community support during difficult times. This episode serves as a reminder that reclaiming one’s identity and happiness is not only possible but can lead to a brighter future filled with hope and empowerment.

In this heartfelt conversation, Ivana Care opens up about her journey of transformation following difficult relationships, revealing the poignant lessons learned from her experiences. After navigating the complexities of two marriages and the emotional upheaval that accompanied them, Ivana shares how she found herself feeling lost and depleted. Her journey of self-discovery began when she recognized a pattern of repeating similar relationship dynamics, prompting a deep introspection that led her to understand her own role in these connections. With honesty and vulnerability, Ivana discusses the importance of recognizing one's own needs and the power of saying no, especially when it comes to protecting oneself and one’s children.

The discussion also delves into the concept of healing—how it's not just about moving on but truly understanding and untangling the emotional baggage that can weigh one down. Ivana emphasizes the significance of self-forgiveness and the necessity of confronting one's fears to pave the way for healing. She points out that healing can be a gradual process, often requiring patience and self-compassion. With the support of therapy and community healing circles, she found the strength to rebuild her identity and confidence, ultimately leading her to empower other women undergoing similar struggles. Her insights resonate with anyone who has felt trapped in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, offering a message of hope and resilience.

Links referenced in this episode:

Transcripts

Ivana:

Chilling.

Ivana:

I was thinking.

Ivana:

Hello.

Ivana:

Hello.

Shelley:

So how do you pronounce your name before we get started?

Ivana:

Yep.

Ivana:

Ivana.

Shelley:

Ivana.

Shelley:

Okay.

Shelley:

And your last name?

Ivana:

Care.

Shelley:

Just care.

Shelley:

Okay.

Shelley:

Well, sometimes it's, you know, it's spelled that way, but I just want to make sure that it's not something different.

Shelley:

So.

Shelley:

So I got your email about your story, and that's exactly what I was going to go for.

Shelley:

Like, you know, you start my hair.

Shelley:

My gosh.

Shelley:

I.

Shelley:

I'm.

Shelley:

Ever since I've gone through menopause, I've got, like, this curly hair, and I try to do.

Shelley:

Do something with it, and then.

Shelley:

Oh, my gosh.

Shelley:

Okay.

Shelley:

Sorry.

Shelley:

Drives me nuts.

Shelley:

I straighten it out and I can't, like, do anything with it.

Ivana:

It changed the texture of your hair.

Shelley:

It did.

Shelley:

Like, now my hair is curly.

Ivana:

That's lovely.

Shelley:

It's.

Shelley:

It's.

Shelley:

So anyway, yeah, totally changed the texture.

Shelley:

Okay.

Shelley:

Ivana Care.

Shelley:

So, yes, I love.

Shelley:

I love what y'all.

Shelley:

You said.

Shelley:

And that's where I was going to start.

Shelley:

You know, just.

Shelley:

I'd be like, welcome to the podcast.

Shelley:

I have Ivana Care with me, and today we're going to talk about your transformation after relationships.

Shelley:

And so I just want you to tell whatever you want to tell, and that's.

Shelley:

That's how we're going to start.

Shelley:

And then you can also bring up your business, your PDF.

Shelley:

I think that's the one that I downloaded today.

Shelley:

And then.

Shelley:

And looked at that.

Shelley:

And then at the end, I'll ask you the question.

Shelley:

Any words of wisdom for our audience before we.

Shelley:

Before we sign off?

Shelley:

So do you have any questions for me?

Ivana:

No.

Ivana:

As I said, thanks so much.

Ivana:

Sounds so good.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So what time is it there?

Ivana:

8:00 in the morning.

Shelley:

Bless your heart.

Shelley:

So I did an interview with a gal in Australia several years ago, and my granddaughter was with me, and she was 8.

Shelley:

My granddaughter was like, 8 at the time, and she's sitting in my lap and we're talking to Kylie and I told her, I said, cassidy is like, tomorrow.

Shelley:

It was like, you know, Friday or whatever.

Shelley:

And Cassie looked at Kylie and she said, are you from the future?

Ivana:

You're from the future?

Shelley:

It was so stinking cute.

Ivana:

Oh, the future.

Shelley:

I talk to someone from Australia.

Shelley:

I.

Shelley:

I think of that.

Shelley:

Okay, my friend, are you ready to go?

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Yes, I am.

Shelley:

All right, let's get started.

Shelley:

All right.

Shelley:

Hey, everybody, welcome back to the podcast, Empower Her Wellness.

Shelley:

I am.

Shelley:

Hey, everybody, welcome back to the podcast, Empower Her Wellness.

Shelley:

I'm Shelley, your host, and I have with Me today, Ivana Kerr, who has a really interesting story about transformations after relationships.

Shelley:

So we're just gonna jump right into it and get started with her story and just talk about how you came out on the other side of that, because from what you sent me today, you know, leaving everything behind and what you had to go through to where you are today, it's just really a fascinating transformation.

Shelley:

So I'm super excited to.

Shelley:

To hear about it.

Shelley:

So welcome.

Ivana:

Hello, Shelley, and welcome.

Ivana:

Welcome, everyone.

Ivana:

Who is.

Ivana:

Who is listening?

Ivana:

So my name is Ivana Kerr, and today I'm joining from Australia, as Shelley said before, from the future.

Ivana:

A couple hours ahead.

Ivana:

And yes, I would like to open up and vulnerably share with you what were my ups and downs of the transition from feeling depleted, lost, and not sure if I'm in a right relationship to be on the other side.

Ivana:

And through that journey, I found that I can help others or lead others through the transformation because it's not easy.

Ivana:

I would like to maybe sum it up with after breakup.

Ivana:

Like, there's phases of how you feel, what you have to overcome.

Ivana:

And there is a similar pattern.

Ivana:

So I could tap into that through my own experience and now share.

Ivana:

Share the gifts with others.

Ivana:

And what was.

Ivana:

What was also very powerful about that story.

Ivana:

I only was woken up because it was repeating itself.

Ivana:

So it was a pattern.

Ivana:

And I know now it's a very popular way of noticing what is not working in your life.

Ivana:

So it was actually second time around when I find myself having the same conversation with a different person.

Ivana:

So that got my attention, thinking, hang on a minute, maybe it's not the other person.

Ivana:

Maybe it's me.

Ivana:

Because whatever I thought I left behind in my old marriage is now in my current partnership.

Ivana:

And I brought it with me.

Ivana:

So how did this happen?

Ivana:

I thought, you know, I did the healing, but the pattern was undeniable.

Ivana:

So I started asking myself question, paying attentions and doing the healing work as well at the same time.

Ivana:

But to be honest, it wasn't easy at the start.

Ivana:

Like, that wasn't just the realization, actually, maybe I can take you back to the moment.

Ivana:

So I was in the car and I was reading to.

Ivana:

I was listening to a podcast or some.

Ivana:

Some YouTube video.

Ivana:

And because I'm very auditory, I have, like, very strong.

Ivana:

What do you say, Like, a quality of how I receive information through hearing.

Ivana:

So these people are talking about, like, oh, you know, sometimes the awakening is not this moment when you go, like, I've got this.

Ivana:

This is beautiful.

Ivana:

And now, like a spring of happiness.

Ivana:

Comes to your body for majority of people is the opposite.

Ivana:

It's a terrible feeling when you go like you just drop down from the third floor on a concrete and you are oh my goodness.

Ivana:

And that moment and that sound from the radio was the defining moment for me.

Ivana:

It's just like it's not to wake up to a beautiful.

Ivana:

It's wake up to a horrible.

Ivana:

And I realize I have a lot work to do not just to heal myself, but to unpeel myself and start recognizing what is me and what I let someone else to kind of interfere with what a thought is me.

Ivana:

So you know, I started like digging deeper into all my thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes are probably interjected or how.

Ivana:

Which.

Ivana:

What is the best to use with someone else?

Ivana:

Because it was very empathetic like giving and tapping into everyone else's emotions and not feeling my own.

Ivana:

So the, the moment of awakening was just like I have this body to look after, not everyone else's and started to feel the sensations in my body.

Ivana:

So I reach out for, for therapists to help me with that realization because I wasn't attuned to that.

Ivana:

I was from a childhood probably more raised to understand others, to.

Ivana:

To help to be empathetic addict with the others emotions first, not upset anyone, not rock the boat too much.

Ivana:

And that wasn't the way I could live my happy life because I forgot about me, about the needs of the individual I am.

Ivana:

So that was the day where I started untangling who I am and how I want to live my life forward.

Ivana:

So I hope that answers your question at the start just to give you a background.

Ivana:

But yeah, I just wonder what specifically like in that story would like me to.

Shelley:

So you.

Shelley:

The email you'd sent me said that you had left quite a bit of things behind and you also had a child and you ended up in.

Shelley:

With one suitcase as a.

Ivana:

In a woman's refuge.

Shelley:

Yes.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So I would love to hear you know the story behind that because I think a lot of times people, people see the end product.

Shelley:

You know, you're talking now, you have a business, you're very articulate and people don't always understand like the road that we don't ever see what we call the Missy.

Shelley:

Messy middle.

Shelley:

Messy middle.

Shelley:

So you had the moment where you like maybe even a rock bottom to where you are today.

Shelley:

So yeah, just take us through that time when you left everything behind and just what happened then and how you survived and managed to get to where you are today.

Shelley:

Because I think that is just to me that would just seem so difficult, especially with a.

Shelley:

Yeah, with a kiddo.

Ivana:

Little one.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So as I mentioned, I actually do have two children because I repeated the pattern.

Ivana:

years, and had a daughter in:

Ivana:

daughter, and she was born in:

Ivana:

So only with that second daughter, I was starting to see the repeating pattern.

Ivana:

Right.

Ivana:

So now we.

Ivana:

About a year in a relationship, and I'm tapping into like, what's going on.

Ivana:

Like, we kind of leaving the.

Ivana:

The pretty faces or the masks we would say behind and start starting to see each other for.

Ivana:

For the true colors or with the.

Ivana:

Without the glasses on.

Ivana:

Without the pink.

Ivana:

Pink glasses.

Ivana:

So that was the defining moment.

Ivana:

And I described it like in.

Ivana:

At the beginning that I was just like, oh, my goodness, I think there's something to be untangled.

Ivana:

I have to work on myself.

Ivana:

And I think I'm bringing to a relationship not vulnerability, but maybe just pretend I don't have the needs or I'm okay and I'm avoiding the conflict.

Ivana:

Difficult convers.

Ivana:

And it was just coming closer and closer because this was the pattern which wanted to be recognized, the wound which wanted to be healed.

Ivana:

So it was kind of closer and closer, and I wasn't paying attention to.

Ivana:

Wasn't brave enough to see it.

Ivana:

So what I was initially working on is the bravery to see what it is.

Ivana:

And it was revealed to me when it was too close.

Ivana:

So when it was too close, I wanted to leave the relationship.

Ivana:

But because I was always a step behind, it was set up a way that wasn't for me to, let's say, walk away without.

Ivana:

What is the word?

Ivana:

Like, how is coming to me is like being punished because I was independent woman.

Ivana:

So that's how I perceived in the moment.

Ivana:

Right.

Ivana:

Because I had the more and more willingness to live on my own, you know, not.

Ivana:

Not being part of the dynamic or the dance we created for ourselves and the.

Ivana:

The household or, you know, the relationship was set up in a way that it is as hard for me to live as possible.

Ivana:

So I was in front of couple of big decisions as of, okay, well, it's inviting me to, you know, go on another round or on the carousel to kind of, oh, let's move the house, let's move here, and you come with me.

Ivana:

And.

Ivana:

And I need to say no.

Ivana:

And I need to say no to a lot of things.

Ivana:

And it was my first time in a life, in my life where I was assertive and Strong enough to be able to say no.

Ivana:

And because I was now aware it is a carousel and it repeats and it's a cycle of how would I, how would I say it in a positive way now without hurting anyone's feelings of, you know, this dynamic of hope and lost hope.

Ivana:

I wanted to get off that carousel and I knew I have to leave behind what is holding me in.

Ivana:

So there was know just negotiating about like, I've got all your furniture, I've got.

Ivana:

You have no car, you have no money, I won't send you any.

Ivana:

So this kind of.

Ivana:

And I was walking strongly, proudly saying no to those invitations to be still tangled in that dance.

Ivana:

And I'm peeling myself and go on my own.

Ivana:

So that's how I lost, lost everything.

Ivana:

So initially I actually did stay at my girlfriend's house.

Ivana:

But I knew the friendship wouldn't last long if I stayed there for, I don't know, weeks or months.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So I started reaching out to safe places and save my family from.

Ivana:

And you know, do things differently because I had to.

Ivana:

I felt at that point strong calling to, to reach the safety.

Ivana:

So I was placed to a women's refuge and all I had were the clothes for the next day.

Ivana:

And I actually end up taking my laptop.

Ivana:

So I had a laptop and spec loads for the next day.

Ivana:

But something was selling me and I had this inside.

Ivana:

I don't have many of them, but this one was.

Ivana:

You didn't lose anything you can spare.

Ivana:

So it was like inside of like anything can be replaced if it's, you know, closer.

Ivana:

Materialistic things, they know me.

Ivana:

What I'm taking is the most valuable thing.

Ivana:

Right.

Ivana:

Then everything got better with that.

Ivana:

Like it wasn't easy.

Ivana:

And I, with that inside, I knew I will have to rebuild myself with nothing.

Ivana:

But there was this.

Ivana:

It's just stuff and new stuff will come and it's okay, just go.

Ivana:

So I had that inner knowing that, that intuition which finally felt like it's guiding, guiding me to, to where I'm supposed to be, you know, even though.

Shelley:

It is just stuff.

Shelley:

Exactly.

Shelley:

And I have a similar story was when I was 50 and twice divorced, thought I need to, like I need to do something.

Shelley:

I need to find myself, I need to quit this, you know, this pattern of behavior that I found myself in which very probably very similar to yours, but.

Shelley:

And it, but you know, it is stuff, but it's still.

Shelley:

It like symbolizes security.

Shelley:

Like, you know, you have a place, you, you, you have a, A space to be.

Shelley:

You have a home, you, you have Food, you have money.

Shelley:

You don't have to worry about these things.

Shelley:

So it, you know.

Shelley:

You know, listening to your story, I'm just thinking, oh, my gosh, how like, brave you were.

Shelley:

Even though it is stuff, it's still security, you know.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Shelley:

For you, that you, you felt that you had to get out and go to someplace that obviously wasn't going to be as secure because you had, you know, one change of clothing and a laptop.

Shelley:

And then, you know, be like, well, what does tomorrow bring?

Shelley:

But I also think you bring up a very interesting point that happens to a lot of women, is that we just lose ourselves in these relationships and it's so hard to, it's like, how can I say this?

Shelley:

It's like there's this.

Shelley:

Ivana's in there.

Shelley:

She's in there.

Shelley:

She knows who she wants to be, you know, and where she wants to go and how she wants to live and how she needs to live and all these things.

Shelley:

But you're just so stuck in that, you know, I've got to acquiesce.

Shelley:

I've got to do as I'm told.

Shelley:

I've got, you know, my family's gonna be.

Shelley:

Disappoint society, whatever, you know, so you just have all these things going on.

Shelley:

But I do, you know, I, I do do know that when I broke away, mine was an emotionally abusive relationship.

Shelley:

I actually had to like, leave the state.

Shelley:

No money, nothing, no job.

Shelley:

I just, I just knew I could do it.

Shelley:

I, I, it felt, it felt like it was either me or them.

Shelley:

And it wasn't going to be them this time.

Shelley:

It was going to be me.

Ivana:

Yeah, yeah, I, I hear you.

Ivana:

And from what are you also telling me, you had to leave the children behind as well?

Shelley:

No, my kids were grown.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

No.

Ivana:

Okay.

Ivana:

Okay.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So wait to the moment they're safe.

Ivana:

So that's what, that's a little, I.

Shelley:

Mean, that was a little different for me that I luckily did not have, you know, to worry about my kiddos the second time around.

Shelley:

The first time around, I did take the kids with me.

Ivana:

Yeah, yeah.

Shelley:

But the second time.

Shelley:

No.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So this is, this is actually you tapped into very important process.

Ivana:

So for women, I think there are two stages where they likely to do it.

Ivana:

And one is when the, it's not about them, but it's all about the children, or when the children's already not there and they're safe and then they can rock the boat.

Ivana:

So I had like two options because there is the middle part where you cannot rock the boat because it's like not for the children.

Ivana:

So let's say they 8 and 6 and I cannot go to a refuge because they're already at school and like they have friends and it's just like the easiest thing is just to wait another year for some women.

Ivana:

Right?

Shelley:

Yeah.

Ivana:

But because it was about my child, I found the tiger power in me and where I could kind of compromise on a lot of things which were about me and my needs.

Ivana:

As soon as it was about the child, it was no longer a question like, what do I do?

Ivana:

It was so powerful inside of me that I knew that there's no plan B, there's only plan A A.

Ivana:

So that's.

Ivana:

That's very interesting.

Ivana:

And like the different life stages present with different opportunities.

Ivana:

And as you said, because the children when not like needing to go with you through the transition which is very difficult for you and have the children with you, then.

Ivana:

Yeah, that's that.

Ivana:

That's where I found the.

Ivana:

The secret resources in me.

Ivana:

And that's how I started to recognize between work how much sacrifice is needed and who for.

Ivana:

Because yeah, we as mothers have this secret source of.

Ivana:

Of wisdom and power because we attached to yeah.

Ivana:

The kids.

Ivana:

So it was all for them.

Ivana:

And the power came from protecting.

Ivana:

Protecting them.

Ivana:

It wasn't a physical danger like as to be called physically, but just to reveal what was my motivation.

Ivana:

I was not allowed to see my older daughter and I just could not say yes to that.

Ivana:

I could say yes to a lot of things, but not.

Ivana:

Not to see my older daughter.

Ivana:

And that was my motivation.

Ivana:

I was just like.

Ivana:

And enough is enough, like I can say and compromise on a lot of stuff that I cannot allow someone to tell me that my daughter is not welcome in my home.

Ivana:

And I have to ship things around.

Ivana:

So that's why.

Shelley:

Yeah, that's.

Shelley:

That's.

Shelley:

Oh gosh.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So the mama bear is like, ah, that's not going to be happening.

Shelley:

Oh, wow.

Ivana:

Came out.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So what is a.

Shelley:

What is a refuge?

Shelley:

What do you mean by when you say refuge?

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So I was very, very lucky reaching out like to lots of places because I was officially homeless in Australia.

Ivana:

I don't have my family and I just had.

Ivana:

Yeah like friend where I can stay a night or two.

Ivana:

But I start reaching out to.

Ivana:

To shelters where a woman can stay when she has nowhere to go.

Shelley:

Okay.

Shelley:

Okay.

Ivana:

So through victim services was put to a women's refuge which was organization which helped a safe environment and safe apartment for it was a four families.

Ivana:

So each woman was a Single mom with one to how many children she has where she was safe.

Ivana:

And it was a secret location and there were no visits allowed and we had to give our phones and not have any phone calls with, with the past partners or revealed a location because that would be against the rules.

Ivana:

There were other rules to just keep the household running nice and safe.

Ivana:

And it's served me for a month where I could find my space.

Ivana:

I lodged a tax return, I got some cash and could start looking for, for places to rent for myself.

Ivana:

So that was the way out.

Ivana:

And I, I stayed there for a month.

Shelley:

We have those here that we just don't call them refuge, refuges.

Shelley:

So that's, that's what I thought you were talking about.

Shelley:

But I clarify, clarify for people who are listening.

Shelley:

So you were able to get out.

Shelley:

So you had like the physical ability, you know, then your own, own place and all that.

Shelley:

But what was the, what was your mental like struggle at that time, going from the refuge to going from your safe space, safe shelter to your own apartment or your own place and things like that?

Shelley:

Did you still like struggle mentally or were you like, oh, I can now finally like sort of breathe.

Shelley:

I mean, what was your mindset during that time?

Ivana:

Yeah, so I would still say I have a post traumatic stress symptoms.

Ivana:

So a lot of isolation, lots of shame.

Ivana:

So I was still going over and over the story.

Ivana:

I was scared to leave the house and face other people because I moved to a new location.

Ivana:

I was scared even walking on the street, I was still looking for all the cars, thinking like my ex partner would be following me.

Ivana:

So all of those things which are very typical for, for survivals of domestic abuse, there was also like.

Ivana:

But I did have a therapist and I knew that this is happening.

Ivana:

I have to describe it.

Ivana:

And this is just a sensation, right?

Ivana:

And it's just coming.

Ivana:

So yep, I'm scared that that's okay.

Ivana:

I know why, I know the reason and because I was having the power of the knowledge would not freak out.

Ivana:

So I was just looking after the basics like you have to sleep, you have to eat and you have to go for a walk.

Ivana:

Just explore the neighborhood as, as much as you can.

Ivana:

So I was going for the stroll with the, with the little baby, just walking around and trying to have like the normal life as possible and dealing with other things and with the healing as, as it comes, but as, as it revolves, but it does take a time.

Ivana:

So I had to be patient with myself because until you find the safety and the comfort, the things are not coming up yet to deal with, you know, so it needed a time for even the grief to arrive.

Ivana:

It needed the time for.

Ivana:

For the tears to come.

Ivana:

Because I need to do a lot of things first.

Ivana:

Like I had that like a to do power and you know, to do list every day.

Ivana:

Like fill out this form and pay this and ask for this and like, you know, even the.

Ivana:

The government support or whatever things are opportunities.

Ivana:

Then I had to put the furniture together.

Ivana:

So there was like always to do list.

Ivana:

And I was in that doing, doing.

Ivana:

So it was only when I slowed down or maybe in the evenings, I started to write letters and start journaling about my experience and start healing with feeling the increased safety and start digging deeper into.

Ivana:

It's okay, like I.

Ivana:

I hear you.

Ivana:

This was a lot.

Ivana:

And some things are still coming today.

Ivana:

Like when I look at the photo of like that wardrobe had like originally and I had few friends just to buy and gave me some their old clothes.

Ivana:

I was so grateful and that was what was guiding me originally.

Ivana:

I was not slipping to negative thoughts and I forced myself to stay in the gratitude all the way.

Ivana:

All the way.

Ivana:

Just don't be angry about what happened to you, but be grateful about what happened to you.

Ivana:

And somewhere along there I also started listening to other women's stories in the refuge and along the way because I was joining some healing circles or yeah, any opportunity I had to get out and speak to people because that was something I needed to speak about as well and heal in the right place.

Ivana:

Sometimes it wasn't my friends who could protect or provide me with depth because nothing like that happened to them.

Ivana:

It was women who had the similar experience who could listen and follow with my story and experience.

Ivana:

So sometimes there was at the healing circles I could open up and start healing my story through talking and tapping into other stories.

Ivana:

And I noticed that all the stories are similar how we get there, so there must be a similar story to get out of it.

Ivana:

And that was the inside telling me, pay attention to how you're getting out because you will be able to be the light for others.

Ivana:

So I was taking notes and seeing what works for me and like experiencing different modalities and healing options for myself, taking notes along the way.

Ivana:

And then I felt like I am empowered now.

Ivana:

I know so much and there is a path to get out of this.

Ivana:

So I want now to share it with others and through that journey that.

Ivana:

That become the purpose.

Ivana:

And what was the Dr.

Ivana:

To.

Ivana:

To understand it to.

Ivana:

To test it and.

Ivana:

And to guide others.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So somewhere in there was Born.

Shelley:

Your.

Shelley:

Your story really resonated with me, the things that you were just talking about, because it is difficult to leave those types of relationships.

Shelley:

I worked with victims of crime, children and adults for, like, almost my entire professional career, and it is difficult for them to.

Shelley:

To get out.

Shelley:

And then they've always got this sense of, well, maybe I should just go back.

Shelley:

Things might be easier if I do that.

Shelley:

But I also liked how you talked about.

Shelley:

You were.

Shelley:

You had your to do list, so you were busy and you didn't then have the time to take to think about the things that happen and start working through that process.

Shelley:

But I think that's important because that's what a lot of us do.

Shelley:

We're just like, well, I'm just going to stay busy, busy, busy, busy, and I don't have to think about this and I can just get through it.

Shelley:

But I promise you, it's going to.

Shelley:

It's going to come out in some way.

Shelley:

At some point it's going to come out.

Shelley:

You can, you can make your to do list and put all the furniture together you want, but at some point you have to stop and take that moment and be still and, you know, figure out what's going on and how you're going to get through it.

Shelley:

So what do you.

Shelley:

I got a couple of questions here.

Shelley:

First one is, what would you say?

Shelley:

I have a lot of listeners who are going through similar situations.

Shelley:

So what would you say to them if they're thinking about.

Shelley:

It doesn't have to be an abusive relationship, but just a relationship where they feel like they're not valued, they.

Shelley:

They can't be themselves.

Shelley:

They just feel like they've been so, like just, you know, just squashed down on top of other things.

Shelley:

What would you, what would you say to.

Shelley:

To them?

Shelley:

Because one of the things I found, Ivana, when I was going through my stuff is, like, at the beginning, it's super scary.

Shelley:

And you're like, oh, my gosh, I am.

Shelley:

This is terrible.

Shelley:

I'm so scared.

Shelley:

This is awful.

Shelley:

What if, what if, what if, what if?

Shelley:

But then when you get to the other side, you're like, well, while it was bad, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Shelley:

I mean, that's.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

I mean, the healing.

Ivana:

The healing or looking at your fears.

Shelley:

Yeah, yeah.

Shelley:

So what would, what, what would you say to women who are trying to get out of relationships?

Ivana:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ivana:

And one thing I want to point out also is, like, the mums who's got the responsibility, especially for the young children, like, you don't have more than 10 seconds space in your head until you need it again.

Ivana:

So you always like on your toes, on the edge.

Ivana:

And for me it was just the evenings when I could sit down and when finally it start coming to me.

Ivana:

Because in a day, like, you have a lot of destruction.

Ivana:

So in a way that it's great because you don't have a room to kind of have sadness, but at the same time, yeah, it can come in the evening.

Ivana:

So for me, it was the process of this, because the tiny baby I had with me, what would I say to women?

Ivana:

Like, you have to be really careful about the internal world.

Ivana:

And that's what I started realizing myself, like healing myself from the other person.

Ivana:

It's really hard because sometimes the partner, either intuitively or with other things, like, he starts dancing differently because he feels you differently.

Shelley:

So that's a great point.

Ivana:

In a way, I was thinking, I have to start hiding that I know something now because, like, if he's noticing changes in me and the little nose and like a outburst of independence because I don't know, I want a different brand of ketchup.

Ivana:

Like, it.

Ivana:

It has to be very subtle and you still have to be careful.

Ivana:

But what you have to guard is your thoughts and your feelings.

Ivana:

Because I felt like the more I'm revealing, the more like almost like a weapons, like I'm giving him to get back to me.

Ivana:

So they were like invitations for fight or like inside of what I like, what I'm sensitive to.

Ivana:

Like, what can get me angry.

Ivana:

So that was my internal battle of kind of hiding those cues of what upsets me because.

Ivana:

And then like working on myself and the strength.

Ivana:

And not always you have to show it.

Ivana:

Not always you have to like, say, like, oh, I know you're lying now.

Ivana:

Like, it could be just internal.

Ivana:

You don't always have to, like, it's not always safe, right.

Ivana:

To initiate the.

Ivana:

The arguments or being right.

Ivana:

So sometimes all that you need is your own groundness and sense of reality.

Ivana:

And you don't have to convince the other one or let the other one to convince you about the reality.

Ivana:

So this is the hardest, I think, in an abusive relationship.

Ivana:

But you too live on the planet where he guides the rules of, like, this is white, this is green, this is yellow.

Ivana:

And you start believing it.

Ivana:

And for you to like, ground yourself in reality, you have to start exploring, like, what are the shades?

Ivana:

What are the colors?

Ivana:

Like, what are the names of those feelings?

Ivana:

If someone's telling me this is true, this is lie.

Ivana:

This is how was yesterday?

Ivana:

This is what's so dangerous.

Ivana:

Because they can repaint your past, they can repaint your future, your life, your dislikes.

Ivana:

And that's.

Ivana:

That's what is the hardest because that's when you.

Ivana:

Losing your confidence, your sense of reality, your self.

Ivana:

So start getting it back.

Ivana:

Even though you do it kind of secretly.

Ivana:

But you have to see the.

Ivana:

Start seeing the difference between illusion or delusion and reality.

Ivana:

And that's your biggest power, I think.

Ivana:

And that's what then gets you.

Ivana:

Like, I know what's right and wrong and I can stand by that.

Ivana:

And I know I can do it because I believe in myself and the fact that I know what's up, what's down, what's left, what's right.

Ivana:

And that, that.

Ivana:

That's where my confidence came back.

Ivana:

Because I could believe in my own little world.

Ivana:

And that is making sense.

Ivana:

I think that's the hard.

Ivana:

Was that your experience in.

Ivana:

In living relationship where you were kind of.

Shelley:

Well, you know, I was.

Shelley:

My.

Shelley:

My first relationship was not.

Shelley:

It was not an abusive relationship.

Shelley:

It was just.

Shelley:

I married super young and.

Shelley:

And we just, you know, he's just grew apart for lots of reasons.

Shelley:

But there were other things too.

Shelley:

And I was like, in fighting.

Shelley:

Fighting.

Shelley:

As you were talking, I was thinking about that because I was like fighting my internal battle.

Shelley:

But I didn't feel like I could say anything to anybody, him or his family members, because then I think they would have felt like.

Shelley:

Would have said the same thing to me.

Shelley:

Like, oh, Shelly's starting to be different.

Shelley:

I think something's going on, you know.

Shelley:

So I had my internal battles and it was.

Shelley:

It was hard.

Shelley:

And I had read something somewhere many years ago that when women are leaving a relationship, they actually start leaving five years before they leave.

Shelley:

So what you were talking about was like this battle that you had within yourself to figure out what's left, what's right, what's yellow, what's white kind of thing was your own internal battle.

Shelley:

And you can't share it.

Shelley:

It's really hard.

Shelley:

It's really hard to keep that.

Shelley:

Now, I did have a couple of good friends who knew what was going on.

Shelley:

But when you're trying to live in a household and you're trying to keep it together and be like the Ivana who he thinks you are, but inside you're.

Shelley:

You're changing.

Shelley:

It's.

Shelley:

It's very hard to do.

Shelley:

So I applaud you for that.

Shelley:

But I think a lot of women can really resonate with that.

Shelley:

And I like I like how you said to be very careful and very guarded, because even if it's not an abusive relationship, if you're going to start, if you're thinking about getting out, you know, the world likes homo stasis.

Shelley:

The world likes to be stable.

Shelley:

If someone thinks you're changing, they're going to do something, like, to reel you back in because you change.

Shelley:

They changed, and, you know, their world changes, and they're like, well, what am I going to do now?

Shelley:

Shelly's not dancing the same dance I am anymore, and I don't like it, you know, so it's hard to do.

Shelley:

But I think talking to you and some other podcast guests I've had, one of the things that I have learned for myself, Ivana, and talking to you and other women is that we have everything inside of us that we need.

Shelley:

We have that inside of us so we can figure those things out and do what we need to do.

Ivana:

Yeah, lovely.

Ivana:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ivana:

And now the knowledge is so everywhere.

Ivana:

Like, it took me 40 years to work that out.

Ivana:

And like, the powerful quote I had is, no one has the right to make you feel foolish, scared, or.

Ivana:

What is the third one?

Ivana:

I'm gonna cut this one out.

Ivana:

Foolish, scared, or guilty?

Ivana:

So no one has the right to make you feel foolish, scared, or guilty.

Ivana:

And if someone's trying to make you feel like this through the message they're giving you, they're manipulating you.

Ivana:

It can be unintentional or intentional.

Ivana:

It doesn't matter.

Ivana:

Right.

Ivana:

You just have to understand that it's someone who's trying to control you, and you have a response like, you can catch them and explain, Explain.

Ivana:

This is how it makes me feel.

Ivana:

And if you run time over time into the same pattern of someone's trying to, like, you know, downplayed.

Ivana:

I was just a joke, like, done.

Ivana:

Or like, gaslight you into some other problem, then, you know, they're not willing to cooperate and improve the level of communication.

Ivana:

And then you have other options to set boundaries.

Ivana:

And those boundaries could be external.

Ivana:

That means, like, take down the time you spend this with person or the topics you're bringing up with them.

Ivana:

Or internal.

Ivana:

Or just like having that gas, like, oh, he's making me feel guilty again.

Ivana:

It doesn't mean I make the fight.

Ivana:

It just means I know about it and I don't jump on it.

Ivana:

I just let it slip.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So that was.

Ivana:

That was after 40 years.

Ivana:

Right.

Ivana:

I wish I had that.

Ivana:

So the knowledge is power.

Ivana:

So there's this other things and other techniques, how to empower yourself and tools how, how you can prepare yourself for.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Difficult conversations or situations where even the conversation would be too triggering.

Ivana:

It's not safe to have that anymore.

Ivana:

And how to look after yourself after that or during this.

Ivana:

This difficult transition.

Ivana:

So I only know all of this because you know all the podcasts and Internet and like Instagram or whatever provide with so much details and I wouldn't know 10 years before or 20 years before or past generations.

Ivana:

It's only now that we can access this information.

Ivana:

I'm so, so grateful and I just want to be another voice who keep explaining that it can be done and there's some beautiful, beautiful world if you heal yourself and if you say no to.

Ivana:

To abuse.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So how you now work with women who are.

Shelley:

I'm assuming is.

Shelley:

Is it just women or do you work with men too?

Ivana:

Women, women who experienced separation or divorce and wants to be happy again, find their feet, be more confident because as we mentioned sometimes it does take a toll to lose ourselves in a relationship to.

Ivana:

So yeah, I reconnect women with their inner self like in a world confidence and wisdom and intuition because those things can be sometimes.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Lost in the tracks of that survival mechanism.

Ivana:

I love that.

Ivana:

And I'm using a powerful tool or modality called root cause therapy.

Ivana:

Because when I become a coach and it was just the talking and motivation and like coaching itself, like it's a beautiful talk but I felt like there's so much trauma and I need to have some modality to help people to heal that part of them and create a lasting change or transformation in their life.

Ivana:

So I reached out for trauma healing or childhood healing certification and that's what helped me to tap into those wounded and raw paths of.

Ivana:

Of my clients and help them to overcome what really hurts.

Ivana:

And it's.

Ivana:

It's beautiful.

Ivana:

This what finally gave me the feeling of it's not just talking, it's not just therapy, but there's a lasting effect if there is someone who has the knowledge and the tools to take you to.

Ivana:

To safety, to the other side and process those difficult emotions.

Shelley:

So you also said in your email to me that you had.

Shelley:

What else did you want to talk about?

Shelley:

There was the.

Shelley:

I can't remember now.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So in my.

Ivana:

I would like to invite your audience to check on my website and it's fine to download a five step guide which is five steps to Bound Back, Bounce Back after breakup.

Ivana:

So I created like this free guide which is really nice in how it describes you with each stage and what are the Tools and how would the transformation look like?

Ivana:

So you know how to.

Ivana:

And where you are and how to get out of it to.

Ivana:

To next stage and next stage.

Ivana:

And what are the tools along the way?

Ivana:

So if that sounds like something you would like to check out, please.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

We'll leave the link below in the show notes, I think.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

So what are.

Shelley:

I.

Shelley:

I downloaded that.

Shelley:

I looked at it briefly today.

Shelley:

What are.

Shelley:

What.

Shelley:

What.

Shelley:

Give us an example of just like one.

Shelley:

One of the stages, like, and.

Ivana:

Yeah, yeah.

Ivana:

So one of them would be letting go.

Ivana:

And it's not easy.

Ivana:

So there's a lot of internal work of say, forgiving yourself, tapping into that emotion.

Ivana:

But this is not the first stage.

Ivana:

So I jumped like kind of somewhere in the middle.

Ivana:

So there's a description of how this might feel to you if you.

Ivana:

Too heavy, if you have too much story attached to what happened to you.

Ivana:

And sometimes it's really powerful.

Ivana:

Say it out loud and let it go or journal about it and let it go.

Ivana:

But the letting go is not easy.

Ivana:

So it's like healing the relationship with the relationship.

Ivana:

So you have to really be honest with yourself.

Ivana:

And yeah, other tool would be speaking to a therapist, reaching out to a coach, and really get down to like, what is holding you back?

Ivana:

What are those heavy things and why are they there?

Ivana:

Because sometimes it's not the image the other person has about us which controls us, but it's what we thought of us.

Ivana:

So we have to tap deep.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Ask ourselves the difficult questions.

Ivana:

And so is it me judging me, then I'm not a good partner.

Ivana:

It doesn't matter what other person things.

Ivana:

So as soon as you heal that part, which is the ouchy part of you, and you realize, like, oh, it was me being scared of me.

Ivana:

And if I heal that, then doesn't matter what other person says of things, because I no longer feel like that uncomfortable feeling when someone says like, oh, you're a bad mom, or oh, you've got two divorces.

Ivana:

Oh my goodness.

Ivana:

Like, it hurts someone, but it doesn't hurt other people because they know, like, it's got nothing to do with me.

Ivana:

Yeah, it.

Ivana:

It is a story or those are the facts, but it doesn't say about who I am or how beautiful I am or what happened in those relationships or.

Ivana:

Yeah, I was once also confronted by this fear.

Ivana:

That's why I gave that example.

Ivana:

Sorry if it hurt anyone's feelings who are listening, but it was actually coming from my own mum and she just kept bringing this story of an actress and she said, oh, she's got three different children with three dads.

Ivana:

I hope you're not going that way.

Ivana:

I was just thinking, you know, oh, it doesn't hurt.

Ivana:

And from my mom, and she's like, oh, you shouldn't be dating, like, while you're still fertile.

Ivana:

So, you know, those were the.

Ivana:

Those were the comments where I had to look at that and like, why is it hurting me?

Ivana:

Because I feel like I let myself down and I have to forgive myself for feeling that way because, yeah, I want to do better in life, and I still do want to live optimistic and thinking there are good men out there who do provide for their family and who can bring us sense of safety and who are beautiful and.

Ivana:

Yeah, they're there as well.

Shelley:

Well, you know, they.

Shelley:

They are there because I've got one.

Shelley:

But.

Shelley:

But, you know, what you said earlier about letting go is so true, because after I left my second marriage and, you know, I used to say that too.

Shelley:

Want to be like, oh, yeah, I'm one of those women.

Shelley:

I'm twice divorced, you know, but that's just the story.

Shelley:

And it's not.

Shelley:

I don't carry that with me anymore because it's not indicative of who I am right now.

Shelley:

So I'm just like, if someone says that to me, I'll be like, yeah, I've been twice divorced, you know, so what?

Shelley:

But, yeah, so coming out of that, and I think it's going to be the same for you.

Shelley:

Excuse me.

Shelley:

Listening to you talk is that I have been in this relationship with Steve for 12 years now.

Shelley:

So coming out of coming off that relationship with my second husband, figuring a bunch of stuff out for myself and who I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Shelley:

I can now say to him, those cut like you were talking about earlier, those conversations about, I, we need to have a talk because this made me.

Shelley:

Or I didn't like the way you did this, or could we, you know, and he'd be like, yeah, that's.

Shelley:

That's a.

Shelley:

That's a good conversation.

Shelley:

We need to do that.

Shelley:

Or in the past, I would have been dismissed.

Shelley:

Like, you know, you're.

Shelley:

You're.

Shelley:

You're crazy or too sensitive or I don't want.

Shelley:

I don't have time to talk about that, or I haven't done anything wrong or blah, blah, blah, blah, where Steve doesn't do that.

Shelley:

He's willing to, but he's also willing to push back if he thinks I'm being a little, you know, whatever.

Shelley:

But he doesn't say that to me he doesn't put those words to it.

Shelley:

He doesn't say you're being too, whatever, you know, so.

Shelley:

But they're, you know, they're, they're, they're out there and I feel very fortunate to have, you know, to have stumbled across a good one.

Shelley:

So.

Ivana:

Yeah, but there's also the empowerment and that's what I like to do with women who are looking to start dating or looking for another relationship.

Ivana:

So it's not that like I'm unlucky or I attract them or magnet for trouble.

Ivana:

So again if you put the label on yourself that you attracting trouble then like surprise, surprise, you attract trouble.

Ivana:

But saying that like no one is attracting abuse, deserve abuse or.

Shelley:

Exactly.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So I want to dis.

Ivana:

Yeah.

Ivana:

Distinguish between the two.

Ivana:

I am not a wrong person.

Ivana:

I'm not a low vibration lover or whatever but there's a lot of wrong advice out there.

Ivana:

I just didn't have the tools to recognize at the early stages what is the love bombing and what is love.

Ivana:

So now I have a language and now I have the powers and now I have the vulnerability and like the, the knowledge to in a way like to interview someone properly or test their vulnerability and know whether it's genuine or if it's not.

Ivana:

And you also have to go slow in a relationship like it does while to know someone.

Ivana:

So it's nothing to do with me, my selfworth or my love vibration or whatever.

Ivana:

It's the tools and they can be learned.

Ivana:

So I would like to empower everyone and let them know like there's nothing wrong with you, you didn't attract trouble, you don't deserve abuse.

Ivana:

It's just tools and if you learn them you will find a right person who will be beautiful with you, vulnerable and will be good quality man and a company for you for life.

Shelley:

Yeah.

Ivana:

So yeah, yeah.

Ivana:

Empowered everyone that it is possible.

Shelley:

True, true story.

Shelley:

So listeners, we will put that link down below in the show notes so make sure you check it out.

Shelley:

Like I said, I downloaded it and, and glanced at it and it does have some really good information especially for people who are like starting on that journey and want to, to figure some things out.

Shelley:

So I highly recommend that.

Shelley:

So Vaughn, it's been a real pleasure talking to you and I want to say thank you for sharing your story because I think it's so important that we do so other women know that they're, they're not alone.

Ivana:

Actually I thank you for the opportunity you gave me to speak up, to be the voice to, to, to have the voice.

Ivana:

And I'm incredibly grateful for the deep questions you ask me because you're not afraid to.

Ivana:

To go deep in conversation with people.

Ivana:

And I appreciate it and this format because it becomes a knowledge for people, for knowledge base and spreading the.

Ivana:

The word out there.

Ivana:

And your word is so beautiful.

Ivana:

Thank you.

Shelley:

Yours too, my friend.

Shelley:

So.

Shelley:

But before we end our conversation, do you have any final words of wisdom for my listeners?

Ivana:

There's nothing wrong with you.

Ivana:

That's my.

Ivana:

That's my advice.

Ivana:

Like, because sometimes we are made believe that there's something wrong with us.

Ivana:

There's nothing wrong with you.

Ivana:

And even if you do feel like reaching out to therapist or coach, that is just checking to someone, chatting to someone, it's not that they're fixing you.

Ivana:

You are fixing you.

Ivana:

You have the ability inside of you to, to heal, to beautiful shine and live your dream.

Ivana:

It's all in you.

Shelley:

Those are beautiful words in our conversation on.

Shelley:

Thank you so much, Ivana.

Shelley:

I appreciate you spending time with us today.

Ivana:

Thank you.

Follow

Links

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube