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How a huge fight with my husband changed everything
Episode 17412th February 2024 • The Starting Messy Podcast • Misty Jayne
00:00:00 00:17:55

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In this solo episode Misty Jayne talks about how the biggest fight she has ever been in with her husband lead them to understand their need to improve their communication around money and how important it is for any relationship.

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Transcripts

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Me and my guests are on a mission to normalize the wealthy stylists while creating a safe space to be perfectly imperfect. Wanna join me then? You're in the right place.

Hello there, friends. Welcome back. So I wanna talk about something. So it's Valentine's. day, week, or whatever you want to call this, and no matter what you feel about Valentine's Day, whether you think it's just, you know, a reason to spend a bunch of money, or you think somebody should be celebrated every day, or whatever, whatever it's not, this isn't really about Valentine's Day.

This is actually. I want to talk about the

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Pretty sure this year is 12 years. And My husband and I have a pretty good communication, but it was not always that way. And I want to tell you a story about the biggest fight that my husband and I ever had. Ever. Like, when I think back of all the fights. That we used to have. The biggest one, this is the one that stands out to me the most.

to take you back to December:

[00:02:00] into the biggest fight and guess what it was over money, honey Surprise surprise and I want to tell you this story because I don't think it's that uncommon.

re supposed to go so December:

My husband and I we were living in a townhouse that we purchased together No, we were not married or engaged. We did buy a house together we We're very much in debt. This was pre we need to get our financial shit together. Okay, this was very much living on a whim Feeling broke all the time working our butts off and

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The friend situation fell through. So we were unable to have a place to stay when we flew to New York. And we found out about this, I believe it was like a day before we were supposed to leave. It was super like last minute. And now, I wanted to go anyway. Because we had the non refundable flight and I looked at it like well, I don't want to waste my money I mean girl math, duh, like we've paid for these tickets.

Why would we waste it? And he did not want to go because he did not want to spend more money on a hotel room And then everything we were gonna purchase along with that which we would have purchased anyway, but New York City New Year's Eve Hotel room, right? Sounds way too expensive.

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He actually feared that it would make everything like a hundred times worse. Which, you know, we'll get into in a little bit. So, what was happening here is our two money stories. We're at odds, like we were, I had this, you only live once, you know, grab up all the experiences, let's just do it anyway, we'll figure it out later.

And he was already worried and in this like, really bad mental place of if we make this choice, it's going to financially bankrupt us, and we are going to be screwed forever. So our fight was two money stories headbutting each other, right? The tension was very real. There was lots of yelling, there was lots of blaming, and there was so much defensiveness.

And I know that you can relate to this. I know especially if you

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And it really sucks. It's like a really, really shitty feeling to fight with your partner about something that is not going anywhere and both of you feeling like you are in the right. That's very important. Okay, because when two money stories when you have two completely different beliefs around Finances of what is a belief a belief is something that you in your core Right feel is right and you are coming at each other with these two beliefs It is it can be volatile.

I think that if I I don't know the actual statistic But I'm

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So, what happens? Well, hmm, ha ha ha, I don't like being told no when it comes to going on a trip. So I immediately after our fight went into research mode. I found a fairly decent hotel in a fairly decent area for a fairly Okay, now granted it probably was still like 250 you know, 300 a night, but in New York City on New Year's Eve, I mean, come on, like, you can't find better than that.

So, we

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And what's so interesting about this now that I'm looking back at this story is he was, he had spent money on a ring that I did not know about. Like, we were not sharing money at the time and now I look back and I'm like, oh, this poor guy already spent more than he's ever spent on something that he's about to give to this, this person, me.

And he's freaking out, and he's nervous, right? Like, he's nervous that he's about to, like, commit something the rest of his life. Anyway. So, it goes to show that, like, these emotions

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Like, we had a couple more years of the defensiveness, the reactive money talks. I don't even know if you would call them money talks at that point. There was a lot of me walking into the kitchen out of nowhere and saying, hey, why did you spend this here or why did you not pay this bill, or vice versa I would get defensive, he would get defensive.

It was a problem. Like it was, it was literally an issue in our communication for years. Four years to be exact, at least four years from when we got engaged. That doesn't include the six years that we were together before then. So, having these tough money conversations made it really, really hard for us to do anything about our financial situation.

It's

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And it was us both that came together and made a conscious choice to improve our relationship with money and learn how to work as a team. Okay? Now, 12 years later from that That horrible fight. Him and I now talk about money so easily. It is such an easy flow into what it is that we currently have going on, what it is that we desire, and how we are able to get there together.

There is

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When the reactivity is so strong. So now we're able to sit down, we plan money dates. We work together to make our desires a reality. And the communication in our relationship, period. Like communication in general. Not financial communication. Just communication. Period. Is a million times stronger. And to be perfectly honest, I don't know if it would be this strong if we weren't able to have these money conversations.

If we didn't decide that something has to change. Money

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Do not ignore how you are able to talk about money. You cannot ignore it. You are going to be talking about money when you have children, you are going to be talking about money when you buy a house, you're going to be talking about money when you make any big purchases, when some, an emergency happens, when you get older and you have.

Health issues. I could go on and on and on. Just groceries in general. It has to be something that is addressed to continue to create that solid relationship with your partner. You cannot overlook it. You can not. Okay, it is one of the most

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If we would have continued to have these volatile relationship money talks, it just wouldn't have happened. We never would have got there. It was so important for us to come together and learn together about not just how to manage money, but why we feel the way we feel about money. Come together and start breaking down those money blocks.

Start really diving into the mindset of why we feel the way we do about money. And even still to this day, we still put a money date on our calendar, sit down, and do our money dates the same way that we did from the beginning. You sit down and you start talking about, you know, why do you feel the

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What did you see growing up? Was money stressful? Was money talked about at all? Like you start small and then you just continue from there and the more you get used to having these conversations, the easier it becomes. So, I'm putting a link in the show notes for a free resource that I put together specifically to help you and your partner navigate your money talks.

I highly recommend either watching them separately or coming together and just watching them together. Okay? Again, it is a quick free resource, you'll get instant access, and it is going to walk you through how to have these conversations. These conversations are so important and since it is Valentine's Day weekend, why not start here?

Why not give yourselves the gift of financial talks that you enjoy. Financial talks that actually

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And now we have new, I can't wait to do this, I can't wait to do that. So even sitting down and being able to go, look what we did together. Look what we did, all because we were able to have These conversations that felt so hard at the beginning, they don't have to feel hard. Start small, okay? Use this resource,

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You don't have to jump right in and just start building budgets together. You can start small, you can start having the conversation, you can start pinpointing your desires, you can start understanding where each other is coming from, and you can have beautiful money dates with ease. So snag the resource, like I said, completely free, in the show notes, and please come to @_mistyjayne_.

com, DM me how this has helped. Because I promise you, if you are struggling with money conversations, and you start taking some of these tips and implementing them immediately, Bye! Bye! You're going to feel a weight off of your shoulders when it comes to your financial talks and you are going to feel closer And more of a bond to your significant other if you can nip it in the butt now So happy Valentine's Day my friends and happy money talks I'll see you on the next one.

Once again,

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You can even take it a step further and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Talk with you on the next one.

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