Full show notes, links, and video available at https://ownyourcalendarpodcast.com/episode/how-do-you-get-more-sex-to-your-relationship-with-matthew-hoffman

Episode Summary

Isn't it fascinating how seemingly minor misunderstandings can rapidly snowball into major relationship problems?

Today's discussion brings you on an enlightening journey with Matthew Hoffman from KickAss Couples Nation, revealing the importance of effective communication, understanding and nurturing your partner's needs, and the power of persistence in fostering meaningful transformations.

We’ve all had those moments in our relationships where we felt we were drifting apart, and he shares his discovery that the solution to relationship issues lay not in grand gestures but in small, consistent actions that demonstrate the commitment to each other.

This episode promises to arm you with valuable strategies to breathe fresh air into your relationship. So buckle up, and let us embark on this journey of relationship transformation together.

Key Topics

[0:00] Intro

[4:14] Generic expectations from men

[11:35] Committed relationship

[19:18] Work to meet the needs with authenticity

[24:46] How to find understanding for perpetual relationship issues

[30:39] Emotional availability

[37:30] Children are not the center of the home

[45:05] Overflow thinking

[51:47] Commitment, communication, and conflict resolution

[57:27] Outro

Quotes We Loved

• “... that's kind of why I got into kick-ass couples nation. I wanted a place where couples and individuals could come get their needs met to get their relationship back to that hot, rapid boil. You know where their love and life are. It feels good, it's strong, and they're content …” - Matthew Hoffman
• “It's not about who's got more, who's got less, or fault, but any change in life is not about. You know, you can point your finger at somebody, but there's always three pointing right back at you. “ - Matthew Hoffman
• "Consistently, you're making deposits in that emotional bank account, and when a woman feels that account is full,  she feels great about giving. But when that account is low or even overdrawn, it's like, man, I don't have anything to give. I don't feel good about giving because it's going to deplete me more, and I'm already depleted.” - Matthew Hoffman

Guest Bio

Matthew P. Hoffman is a relationship coach and speaker on a mission to help couples achieve rock-star status in their relationships. He has a diverse background in business, people, and systems and is the co-founder of Character GPS.

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Links & Resources

Email: matthew@matthewphoffman.com

Website: https://matthewphoffman.com/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/matthewphoffman-b127439/ 

Twitter: @KickassCouples - https://twitter.com/KickassCouples 

IG: @kickasscouplesnation - https://www.instagram.com/kickasscouplesnation/?fbclid=IwAR0fSKCltw-yJjp-KAN-hQVzUUQbKtssRtXtvZV16igcGKsXHDiMi9mwcos 

FB: @Kickasscouplesnation

Tik Tok: @kickasscouplesnation - https://www.tiktok.com/@kickasscouplesnation

YouTube Channel: @kickasscouples - https://www.youtube.com/@kickasscouples

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Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:00

I want to grow, give, create, and nurture,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:02

and you can welcome that in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:04

So if you want that in your life, it's not about, I'm, I'm open,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:07

I'm here, come pour into me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:09

It's about how can I pour into others?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:00:12

If your

Stephen Box: 00:00:12

relationship has lost its spark, there's no

Stephen Box: 00:00:16

connection, there's no intimacy.

Stephen Box: 00:00:19

Your sex life is just not where you want it to be right now, and you want

Stephen Box: 00:00:23

to get that passion back into your relationship, then this is going to be

Stephen Box: 00:00:29

the episode for you as I will be joined by relationship expert Matthew Hoffman.

Stephen Box: 00:00:36

So guys, welcome to Unshakable Habits, the podcast dedicated

Stephen Box: 00:00:40

to helping men prioritize your physical and mental well being.

Stephen Box: 00:00:45

I am your host.

Stephen Box: 00:00:46

Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Stephen Vox.

Stephen Box: 00:00:51

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Stephen Box: 00:00:56

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Stephen Box: 00:01:02

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Are

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Intro/Outro: you ready to break free from your old habits and create a better

Stephen Box: 00:01:41

life for yourself and those around you?

Stephen Box: 00:01:44

If so, welcome to Unshakable Habits.

Stephen Box: 00:01:47

The podcast dedicated to helping men be better husbands, fathers,

Stephen Box: 00:01:52

and leaders by prioritizing their physical and mental well being.

Stephen Box: 00:01:57

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Join Stephen Box, a board certified health and wellness coach, and let's change

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Stephen Box: 00:02:25

Alright guys, welcome back to the show.

Stephen Box: 00:02:28

I am joined today by Matthew Hoffman from Kick Ass Couples Nation.

Stephen Box: 00:02:34

So Matthew,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:02:35

welcome.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:02:36

Thanks, Stephen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:02:36

Love being here.

Stephen Box: 00:02:38

Yeah, so I'm excited about our conversation today because I think

Stephen Box: 00:02:42

when we talk to most men, or at least I'm going to say when I talk to most

Stephen Box: 00:02:48

men, the experience that I have is...

Stephen Box: 00:02:51

There's so much focus on I need to be a provider, I need to make money, and that

Stephen Box: 00:03:00

is the biggest priority in their life.

Stephen Box: 00:03:02

And as a result of that, oftentimes, they neglect their health, they neglect it.

Stephen Box: 00:03:08

They neglect their relationships and they're not intentionally doing it.

Stephen Box: 00:03:12

They just don't have the tools to really focus on those things

Stephen Box: 00:03:15

because most of us have been taught how to focus on our careers.

Stephen Box: 00:03:19

So I love the fact that you're going to be able to kind of help us with

Stephen Box: 00:03:23

that relationship piece today and help.

Stephen Box: 00:03:26

Men start to understand how do you not only build up those relationships, but

Stephen Box: 00:03:31

how do you start getting more out of them?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:34

Absolutely, Stephen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:35

You know, it's we have, uh, just like women.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:39

I mean, men have a ton of responsibility, expectations, images that we think we're

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:44

supposed to live up to that society says, Hey, this is if you're the ideal man,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:47

these are, we got to look great, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:49

We got to make a lot of money.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:51

We've got to be able to woo and romance the women and be the great

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:55

father and be the T ball coach.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:56

And there's a lot of expectations.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:03:58

And then within the relationships we're in, sometimes we don't know what those

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:03

expectations are, or we're striving to meet them because we want to keep.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:08

Providing and showing up the way we're supposed to and expect it.

Stephen Box: 00:04:12

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:04:13

So I want to kind of go back maybe to the beginning.

Stephen Box: 00:04:16

And if you could just maybe share a little bit about your own personal

Stephen Box: 00:04:20

story and, and how did you come to realize that this was such an important

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:24

area?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:26

Well, I tell you what, after we've been, we're working on our

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:28

29th year of marriage right now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:30

And, uh, after 20 years, we had three kids, great house, good jobs.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:35

We were engaged in the community and giving back.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:38

But I tell you what, we were in the maintaining state.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:41

All relationships are thriving, like they're climbing that hill and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:44

looking great, they're maintaining or treading water, or they're

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:47

declining, or sometimes even DOA.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:50

And we were just maintaining, Stephen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:52

We were not building each other up.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:54

We were getting nasty with each other.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:56

Any chance we had an opportunity to get in there and get a dig

Matthew Hoffman: 00:04:58

and break the other one down.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:00

You know, that's what we were doing.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:02

And I think we looked at each other and said, you know, I'm not happy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:05

Are you happy?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:05

I'm not happy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:07

And we said, something's got to change.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:08

And that's when we realized we had to double down.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:11

And man, we did so much to get the relationship back on track.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:16

And I think, Stephen, with most people, it's a slow fade.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:19

It's not like There, there can be trauma.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:21

There can be infidelity.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:22

There can be a death in the family.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:24

Something, you know, a job loss.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:25

There's things that can happen that are traumatic, but usually

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:28

it's a slow fade, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:30

You know, it's just a little bit off course over a long period of time.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:05:33

And then eventually you go, Hey, how did we get to be so far apart?

Stephen Box: 00:05:38

Yeah, that's, I think that's true for so many different

Stephen Box: 00:05:41

things in our lives, right?

Stephen Box: 00:05:42

Where it's like.

Stephen Box: 00:05:44

You, you start letting things slip a little bit and you feel

Stephen Box: 00:05:48

like you're still in control.

Stephen Box: 00:05:49

You feel like, Oh, I can easily fix that.

Stephen Box: 00:05:50

I can easily get back to that.

Stephen Box: 00:05:53

And before you know it, those little one degree shifts have like completely

Stephen Box: 00:05:58

taken you in a whole different direction.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:00

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:01

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:01

It's hard.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:02

It creeps up on us.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:03

It's not.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:04

Always apparent until there's a problem and then we realize and go,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:08

wait a minute, how'd this happen?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:09

Or, um, it's not always written on the, on the screen in

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:12

front of us, that's for sure.

Stephen Box: 00:06:15

So what, what was really the kind of the key moment for you?

Stephen Box: 00:06:19

Was there just like this time where it clicked to you that

Stephen Box: 00:06:24

You had to change something.

Stephen Box: 00:06:26

I know you said that y'all kind of looked at each other, but was there like a key

Stephen Box: 00:06:28

moment that made that happen for you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:30

You know, I think that it was funny.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:32

There was a, it was a Saturday morning.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:34

Um, my wife had given me a honey to honey do list.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:37

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:37

And, um, I was trying to get those things knocked out because I wanted

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:40

to go play and have fun on Saturday.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:42

And, um, She, one of the things she wanted me to do was hanging some outdoor lights.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:47

We were gonna have a birthday party for my older daughter.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:50

She said, you know, I've got these led lights.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:51

I want them hung outside on the porch.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:53

And so, you know, it was on my list.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:55

I went and did it with my son, how I thought she wanted it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:06:58

I said, Hey, I hung the lights.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:00

You want to come out and see him?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:01

And she says, what do you mean you hung them?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:03

I said, well, it was on the list.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:05

You asked me to do it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:06

So I'm doing it today.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:07

She goes, why didn't you come get me?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:10

There was a specific way I want it, you know, and we got into this pretty

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:14

big knockdown drag out fight, you know, screaming, yelling, my teenage son who was

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:19

helping just kind of, you know, during the headlights, he kind of backed out of the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:22

room and said, I'm getting out of here.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:24

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:24

And the fireworks went and, you know, we didn't talk to each

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:27

other for a couple of days.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:28

And, and that was about, you know, You know, it seemed right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:32

Hey, it's just the lights.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:34

Well, it wasn't the lights.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:35

It was you don't listen to me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:37

You don't take my opinions.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:38

You know, you don't value me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:40

You're not asking me what I want, what I need, you know, and,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:44

you know, there was a lot of.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:46

Unmet needs.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:47

Needless to say, we weren't super close.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:49

We weren't real intimate.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:51

Um, the sexual relationship is not what either of us wanted and a lot of

Matthew Hoffman: 00:07:56

frustration and some, and some underlying anger and fear from stuff in each of

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:01

our past that was just unresolved.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:05

Yeah,

Stephen Box: 00:08:05

so as you started to kind of have some of these realizations,

Stephen Box: 00:08:08

right, what, what was it for you that really kind of helped you to start

Stephen Box: 00:08:15

digging into it and start fixing things?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:18

Well, you know, I knew that I had a choice.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:20

I could either lean in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:22

And step up and take responsibility.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:24

It wasn't about pointing the finger and saying, you know, I'm a victim and you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:28

did this and it's your fault and I'm, I'm not complicit or I could, you know,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:32

turn away and I wanted it to get back.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:35

You know, I courted my wife for a long time before we got married.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:38

Uh, I'm a hopeless romantic.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:40

I did so much stuff and still do to woo her, right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:43

And court her and pursue her.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:46

And a lot of that had fallen off.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:48

And so I said, you know what?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:50

I want to get back.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:51

I want that back because it was great.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:53

And, and, uh, I knew I could do it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:56

And, you know, we, it wasn't just one thing that we did.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:08:59

And when we got counseling, we did video courses, we read books, we

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:03

listened to podcasts, we did stuff together, we did stuff independently.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:07

And I think.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:09

It was that whole combination.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:10

You know, there's not one source that says, Hey, we're

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:12

going to fix your relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:13

And that's kind of why I got into Kick Ass Couples Nation.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:17

I wanted there to be a place where couples and individuals could come, get

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:21

their needs met to get their relationship back to that rapid boil, you know,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:27

where their love in life, it feels good, it's strong and they're content.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:09:32

And so that's kind of what brought me to where I am today.

Stephen Box: 00:09:37

Yeah, I love the fact that you pointed out there that

Stephen Box: 00:09:41

you had to take accountability for yourself first and foremost.

Stephen Box: 00:09:46

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:09:46

Which I know for a lot of guys, you know, we want to have that burden on us, right?

Stephen Box: 00:09:51

We want to be accountable for our own actions.

Stephen Box: 00:09:54

And so I love the fact that you started that by saying, it started with me.

Stephen Box: 00:09:59

I had to make a decision and you didn't say, Oh, I'm going to do this as long

Stephen Box: 00:10:04

as my wife continues to react this way.

Stephen Box: 00:10:06

As long as she starts doing this, it was really all about you.

Stephen Box: 00:10:11

But at the same time, there's this acknowledgement.

Stephen Box: 00:10:14

That both parties had to come to the table and say, we need

Stephen Box: 00:10:18

to work together to fix this.

Stephen Box: 00:10:20

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:10:20

Because in a relationship, yes, you are only responsible for yourself.

Stephen Box: 00:10:25

You can't control what the other person does, but if both people aren't

Stephen Box: 00:10:28

working towards that common goal, there's going to be a problem, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:31

No doubt.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:32

No doubt.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:33

You know, personal responsibility is huge.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:34

All the clients I work with in coaching and relationships, if there's commitment

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:39

to change, like, and they each realize I'm, I got a role, I'm complicit.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:44

It's not about who's got more, who's got less or fault, but any change in life

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:49

is not about, you know, you can point your finger at somebody, but there's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:51

always three pointing right back at you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:54

It's not about what they've got to do.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:10:56

And most people that come in for counseling and therapy, he does this

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:00

and she does that and they don't, and I won't, and he can't, right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:04

It's all.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:05

And then you say, well, wait a minute, you know, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:07

What about you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:08

Where are you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:09

What, and you can only control what you do or think or say.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:13

And that's important, Stephen, because the whole idea of conditional love, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:18

A committed relationship is about.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:19

Unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:23

I'm going to love you because it's who I am, not because

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:26

of who or what you are to me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:28

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:29

It's a commitment, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:30

And if each person does that, there's no problem.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:33

But when one doesn't and they make their love conditional or they withhold, you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:39

know, withholding sex and relationships, that's a, that's a scary weapon, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:44

Why should sex and intimacy be weaponized?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:47

And I'm not going to give it to you unless.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:50

That's cruel.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:51

You know, it's like telling your kid, I know you're hungry, but I'm not

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:54

going to give you food unless what?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:57

You do something I want.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:11:59

When we put it in that context, it sounds cruel and horrible, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:03

It's the same thing with holding anything from your partner that should

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:06

be freely, lovingly, joyously given.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:09

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:12:11

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:12:11

And I think so often that In relationships, that game kind

Stephen Box: 00:12:15

of starts to get played because people feel like they're being

Stephen Box: 00:12:19

withheld from in other areas, right?

Stephen Box: 00:12:21

So a lot of times when women are holding out on sex, it's because

Stephen Box: 00:12:25

they feel like you're not giving them the attention they need or

Stephen Box: 00:12:28

you're not listening to them, right?

Stephen Box: 00:12:30

And so then that's, oh, I'm going to respond this way.

Stephen Box: 00:12:33

Well, then, you know, as the man, you start going, well, if she's

Stephen Box: 00:12:36

not going to give me sex, then I'm not going to do X, Y, and Z.

Stephen Box: 00:12:38

And then, you know.

Stephen Box: 00:12:39

You just now had this vicious cycle where because there was no communication, you

Stephen Box: 00:12:45

just are just basically trying to one up each other in the wrong direction.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:49

Yeah, yeah, it's a downward spiral, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:51

Like we're bringing out the worst in each other.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:54

And you know, when you're talking about doing something for somebody

Matthew Hoffman: 00:12:57

or withholding, if your wife doesn't feel valued, Or heard or understood.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:04

That's the root of the intimacy and the sex.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:07

So, you know, there's six, there's, there's multiple kinds of intimacy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:10

If you ask a guy what's intimacy, they go, well, sex, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:13

Most men, and it is and can be, but for women, if they say intimacy, what's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:18

most important, they're going to say emotional connection availability.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:23

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:23

Being heard, being understood, being valued, and men want to be heard,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:28

understood and valued as well.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:30

Like, Hey, you're, you're love what you're doing.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:33

You're capable.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:34

You can do it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:35

I'm behind you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:36

And women's needs are similar, but they're just a little different.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:39

So it's like, if we know how our partner wants or needs to be loved.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:45

We got to love them that way.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:46

We can't say, man, I don't want to do that because it's, it's, it's cruel.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:52

And if so it's learning what they want and their needs are, and then man,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:13:56

doing a bang up job of supplying it and the great sex and intimacy, Stephen

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:00

is a result of you doing your job.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:03

Well, it's the outcome.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:05

It's a natural outcome and that's how you get there.

Stephen Box: 00:14:08

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:14:09

And I think for, for a lot of guys.

Stephen Box: 00:14:12

And we'll kind of back up and start going through some of these

Stephen Box: 00:14:14

stages and stuff here in a second.

Stephen Box: 00:14:15

But I just want to kind of keep with the flow of what we're

Stephen Box: 00:14:17

talking about here for a minute.

Stephen Box: 00:14:19

Sure.

Stephen Box: 00:14:19

I think for a lot of guys, there is this history of, I've tried that, right?

Stephen Box: 00:14:26

And when they say, I tried that, it's very similar to, I'm going to compare

Stephen Box: 00:14:30

like when people try to lose weight and they eat healthy for like a week.

Stephen Box: 00:14:34

And they're like, well, I didn't lose 20 pounds.

Stephen Box: 00:14:35

So I'm just, that, that stuff doesn't work.

Stephen Box: 00:14:37

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:14:38

So it's like you.

Stephen Box: 00:14:40

Listened to your wife for like a week or you did the dishes for three

Stephen Box: 00:14:43

days in a row and you're like, well, we didn't start having more sex.

Stephen Box: 00:14:46

So clearly that stuff doesn't

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:48

work.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:49

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:49

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:49

No, Benjamin Franklin has a great quote.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:52

He says, many strokes fell great Oaks.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:56

You know, if you have a small hatchet and you got to take down an Oak tree,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:14:59

it's a lot of little strokes, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:01

Or in the relationship context, uh, there's a phrase that says small things.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:08

It's not one thing.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:09

I did the dishes.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:10

I cleaned the house.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:11

I told her she looked pretty, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:13

Those are little things, but a lot of those over time, consistently,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:17

you're making deposits in that emotional bank account.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:20

And when a woman feels that account is full, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:24

She feels great about giving, but when that account is low or even overdrawn.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:30

It's like, man, I don't have anything to give.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:32

I don't feel good about giving because it's going to deplete me

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:34

more and I'm already depleted.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:36

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:37

And so I think it's what we have to understand.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:39

And this works for men as well.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:40

It's, it's the same concept, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:43

Men want to hear that their partner believes in them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:47

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:48

And that they're behind them and that they appreciate what they do.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:52

My wife the other day said, man, you are working your tail

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:55

off to make things happen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:56

I just want to tell you, I'm, I'm grateful.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:59

I see it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:15:59

You're not a slouch.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:00

You're not a slacker.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:01

I'm so glad I'm married to a guy that is such a go getter and is

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:06

really after it like you are.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:08

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:09

She didn't need to say that, but did it make me feel good?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:11

Heck yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:12

My shoulders were back.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:13

My chin was up and I'm like, she's recognizing.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:17

What I'm doing, and that, you know, makes me feel good.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:16:21

Yeah,

Stephen Box: 00:16:21

and I think so much of it is about intentionality, right?

Stephen Box: 00:16:24

When we go into it with the mindset of, I'm going to start doing X, Y, and Z,

Stephen Box: 00:16:30

so that I can get this desired result.

Stephen Box: 00:16:33

Right.

Stephen Box: 00:16:35

Things will backfire because what starts happening is, is human nature.

Stephen Box: 00:16:39

We're all going to do it.

Stephen Box: 00:16:40

We start taking shortcuts.

Stephen Box: 00:16:42

We start trying to figure out little ways to make it look like we're

Stephen Box: 00:16:46

putting in the work when we're not really putting in the work.

Stephen Box: 00:16:49

And the thing is, people can sense when you're not being authentic.

Stephen Box: 00:16:55

So when you are doing something strictly for the purpose of trying

Stephen Box: 00:17:01

to get your spouse to have more sex with you, we'll say, for example, She

Stephen Box: 00:17:05

may not sit back and say, he's just doing that to have more sex with me.

Stephen Box: 00:17:09

But she can tell you're not being authentic.

Stephen Box: 00:17:11

And when you're not being authentic, the connection's not gonna be there,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:14

right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:15

You're right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:15

I mean, motive is huge, Stephen, with anything in life.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:17

I mean, that happens in work.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:19

Like your, your, your partner, or your office, or your boss,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:23

they know what your motive is.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:24

They can feel why you're, oh, he's just, he's just sucking up.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:28

To me, just kissing up or saying the right things, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:31

Or, Oh my gosh, I didn't ask them to do this, but they're just doing

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:34

it because they felt there was a need and they wanted to get it done.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:38

And, you know, there's the challenge in most relationships, Stephen,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:42

and where there's damage is there's conversations that need to happen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:46

And they haven't, or they don't, or they won't.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:49

So we're talking about, you know, I, I, I, I've had this conversation with my wife.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:17:54

We talk about our desires, our wants, and our needs about everything.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:00

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:00

Finances, vacation, the kids, household duties, sex, intimacy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:07

You know, not too long ago, I asked my wife this exact question.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:12

How would you like to be loved tonight?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:16

Right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:18

Because I didn't want it to be about me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:21

And she said, you know, I'll tell you, and she did.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:24

And so if we didn't have the conversation and I came in like,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:28

Hey, this is what's going to happen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:30

And she's coming in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:31

I think, man, it would sure be nice.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:33

If this happened, we don't know what each other's thinking or desires are.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:37

unmet.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:40

Because we didn't talk about it and apply that conversation really

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:44

to anything in a relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:46

Finances, raising the kids, um, you know, division of household duties,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:52

in laws, where are we going, where are we not going, on what holiday, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:18:55

Um, it's just, you know, it's understanding those needs and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:00

then as you said, working to meet them because you love them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:05

You, I want to give my wife what she needs because I love her and I want

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:09

her to feel fulfilled and satisfied.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:11

And the better job I do of that for her, I'm empowering

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:14

her to do it for me as well.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:16

And it's this awesome dance, soul dance, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:20

Of, uh, of who can love each other better.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:23

Not a competition, but we're both working at the same thing.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:28

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:19:28

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:19:29

I, I, I love, I love the, uh, The way you're kind of phrasing that there, right?

Stephen Box: 00:19:34

And it reminds me of this meme I saw on Facebook the other day where it

Stephen Box: 00:19:41

said, I'll never understand men who hire a dominatrix to insult them.

Stephen Box: 00:19:47

Just fold the towels the wrong way, guys.

Stephen Box: 00:19:49

And,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:19:51

but, but I think one more time,

Stephen Box: 00:19:54

what I think it really kind of points to is, you know, it's, yeah,

Stephen Box: 00:20:00

it's, it's a joke, it's, you know, just meant to be funny, but at the same time,

Stephen Box: 00:20:04

it points to kind of this deeper belief that I think a lot of people are walking

Stephen Box: 00:20:07

around with, right, which is that there's a certain way that I have to do things.

Stephen Box: 00:20:13

And if I don't do them that way, I'm going to get in trouble.

Stephen Box: 00:20:17

But to your point, you just made.

Stephen Box: 00:20:19

The reason that most of us are living in that existence is because

Stephen Box: 00:20:23

we've never stopped to take the time to actually say like, Hey, how

Stephen Box: 00:20:27

would you like the towels folded?

Stephen Box: 00:20:29

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:20:29

Just, it's so, it's so simple.

Stephen Box: 00:20:32

Like, just the communication, just asking what the other person's

Stephen Box: 00:20:35

expectations are, because.

Stephen Box: 00:20:38

Do you really care how you fold the towels?

Stephen Box: 00:20:39

I mean,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:41

yeah, you know, it's crazy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:42

You know what, if it's important to them, it's important to you because

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:45

you want to give them what they need.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:47

I'll give you a funny story, Stephen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:49

Uh, I had an opportunity with my parents when I was in

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:51

college to travel, uh, Italy.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:53

We did a family vacation and we stayed in a chain of hotels and the chain of hotels

Matthew Hoffman: 00:20:58

had what was called double sheets, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:00

You have a lower sheet, a blank and a top sheet and they're

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:03

linen and they iron them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:04

I mean, you get in this bed and you're like, Oh, my gosh.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:06

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:07

You're moving around.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:08

This feels great.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:09

So when we got married and had a little more money, I said to

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:12

my wife, I said, double sheet.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:14

She goes, what's that?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:15

And I said, and I told her the story, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:18

And so that's, to me, it's like, you know, you get in bed, your own bed feels great.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:22

And then, and then as time went on, she said, you know, having that stupid

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:25

extra sheets, a lot of extra work, it's more laundry, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:28

Uh, I'm just going to stop doing it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:32

And I said, what do you mean?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:33

You're going to stop doing it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:34

And I said, well, I said, I don't want to add extra work to you, but

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:37

I'll tell you it's important to me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:40

If there's something else you want me to do or to contribute, or something

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:44

I can do to make your life easier.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:46

Another way I would, cause I don't, I do some laundry, but she leads the charge.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:50

She's very specific and she does a great job of it as one of her.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:55

But that was a thing she was willing to throw away because

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:57

she saw it as it's stupid.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:21:59

It's extra work and who needs it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:01

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:02

But it meant something to me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:03

And until we had that conversation about it, she's like, Oh, yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:06

Okay.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:06

I get it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:07

That's fair.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:08

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:09

We all have our preferences of what we want.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:12

And some of them are silly, but.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:14

When we're willing, even on the little things to give, it makes a difference

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:18

because I mean, so when I, when I get in bed at night, I'm like, Oh, you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:22

know, this feels great and I love it and I'm happy and she contributes to that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:26

And I do other things for her.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:28

There are things that she, and loading the dishwasher.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:31

Let me tell you what, I don't know if you knew this, Stephen, but there's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:33

a right way to low it and a not right way to load the dishwasher.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:37

So, uh, I've had to learn, um, you know, cause it matters to her and not me, but.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:44

Is it doesn't matter which way I do it?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:45

Not really.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:22:46

So it's a little thing, so I'm not getting hung up on it.

Stephen Box: 00:22:49

Yeah, early in my, my relationship with my wife, we actually

Stephen Box: 00:22:55

came to an agreement that if one of us did something and it wasn't a big deal

Stephen Box: 00:23:02

to us, but it was a big deal to the other person, we would stop doing it.

Stephen Box: 00:23:10

So, so one thing you just kind of touched on there, and I want,

Stephen Box: 00:23:14

I want to have you maybe kind of dive into this a little bit, right?

Stephen Box: 00:23:17

Is you talked about the communication and how important it is to be able to voice

Stephen Box: 00:23:23

when you're not happy about something or voice when something is important to you,

Stephen Box: 00:23:27

but I do feel like there, there's two places in which these conversations exist.

Stephen Box: 00:23:33

There's healthy relationships.

Stephen Box: 00:23:35

Yep.

Stephen Box: 00:23:35

And there's unhealthy relationships, right?

Stephen Box: 00:23:38

And I think a lot of times when people attempt to have these conversations and

Stephen Box: 00:23:43

an unhealthy relationship, because they haven't sorted through everything yet.

Stephen Box: 00:23:46

They're just, they're doing their best.

Stephen Box: 00:23:48

They're trying to have these conversations.

Stephen Box: 00:23:51

These things can go kind of the wrong way, right?

Stephen Box: 00:23:53

Because we, we react not out of sincerity, but more out of emotion.

Stephen Box: 00:24:00

Uh, so can you kind of maybe touch on that a little bit about how important it

Stephen Box: 00:24:03

is, like where this step comes in, like the communication versus kind of getting

Stephen Box: 00:24:08

some of the other jump fixed, like where, where does that all kind of fall in

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:12

place?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:12

Yeah, well, this harsh reality, Stephen, this is a statistic and it

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:16

was proven by the Gottman Institute, two thirds of all relationship issues.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:21

Perpetual meaning two thirds of the things that you're arguing about or

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:25

discussing or having differences of opinion you're not gonna resolve, and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:29

you go, holy cow, what do we do then?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:31

Well, you gotta find understanding, and that means I need to know.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:36

Here's a great question.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:37

So if you're having a discussion with your partner or your spouse about

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:40

something and there's a difference of opinion, one question you can, one thing

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:43

you can say is, help me understand.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:46

Why this is so important to you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:50

Oh, because when I was growing up, my dad always did this and it got me angry.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:54

So when you do that, it triggers me and reminds me of my dad screaming

Matthew Hoffman: 00:24:59

or hitting whatever it was, and I don't want to go back to that, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:04

That's very different than she just doesn't want you to do something

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:07

because there's a trigger behind it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:09

So why is this most important to you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:12

And it's understanding what's the dream within the conflict

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:14

when you're communicating?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:15

Like what?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:17

Here's another good question.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:18

What would the ideal outcome look like to you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:22

Because maybe you're totally cool with it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:24

Maybe she just wants X, Y, and Z and you're like, well,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:27

that makes sense to me, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:29

Yeah, and I don't mind doing that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:30

So communication, when you're talking to your partner, if there's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:34

issues to be discussed, one, there's an acronym we talk about.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:37

It's called HALT.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:39

If either of you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, It's not the right

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:46

time for the conversation, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:48

For me, 10 30 at night, when I get up at 10 or five, not the time

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:52

for me to have a deep conversation about emotional needs with my wife.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:56

Or by anything important for that matter.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:25:58

I'm not there or I get hangry, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:00

I eat a lot.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:01

And if I, I'm only eating twice a day.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:03

So when I eat, missing it by 30, 40 minutes an hour, man,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:07

I don't, I'm not listening.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:08

I'm like, I need food, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:10

So you got to meet the physiological needs first and you want to do it at a time.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:14

That's good for your partner.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:16

If you have young kids and the kids are screaming and they're upset and they

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:19

just had a fight and it's dinnertime or the homework's not done, right, and the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:22

dog has to be walked in their soccer practice and you're, you know, that's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:26

not the time to jump into a conversation because it's important to you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:30

Another great thing is to say, Hey, babe.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:32

There's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:35

When would be the best time for us just to have a few minutes to

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:37

sit down and have a face to face?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:40

What's the best time for you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:42

I'll make time right now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:43

Ooh, you know what?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:44

It's crazy right now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:45

How about this evening?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:46

Or, I have a little time after I take the kids to school in the morning.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:48

Could we do it then?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:49

Right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:50

You've set the expectation and also you're creating the ideal environment to

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:55

have if it's a sensitive conversation.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:26:58

But Stephen, the other side of communication is it's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:00

gotta happen all the time.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:02

It's good communication is a lot, it's touch points, it's text, it's emails, it's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:07

notes on the counter or a voice memo or a quick phone call in the middle of the day.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:12

Hey sweetie, just checking in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:13

You know, we talked about this.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:14

Is that still going to happen?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:16

Or even how is your day going?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:18

No purpose in mind.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:18

I don't need anything from you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:20

I just wanted to hear your voice.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:22

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:22

If you're working outside the home and, you know, and flirting,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:27

communication, words, notes, are you still flirting with your spouse?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:33

Texts, emojis, memes, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:36

I mean, all, all that's part of communication.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:39

It's not just, you know, men think communication is get the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:43

information, take the action.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:44

We're good.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:45

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:46

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:46

But it, you know, and, and by the way, there's a myth that women use, you know,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:51

two or three times as many words as men.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:53

It's not true.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:55

Um, you know, women may like to talk more in general.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:27:58

That could be true than men do.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:01

Um, and men maybe are more quiet or stalwart, but you know, women want,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:05

and they crave that connection.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:06

It's really about connection.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:07

So if you think of communication as an opportunity to connect with

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:10

your partner, then how well are you connecting with your partner?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:14

That's the important part.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:28:16

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:28:16

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:28:17

I think that's a really great point because so many times, you

Stephen Box: 00:28:23

know, as, as men, we see ourselves as problem solvers, right?

Stephen Box: 00:28:28

So it's, yes.

Stephen Box: 00:28:30

Like you said, I need to get the information because there's a problem.

Stephen Box: 00:28:34

Something's not right.

Stephen Box: 00:28:35

I need to fix it.

Stephen Box: 00:28:36

I just need the information, figure out what the steps are, and then I can fix it.

Stephen Box: 00:28:41

And we're sitting here telling you guys that the information that you need, yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:28:48

is in the steps, right?

Stephen Box: 00:28:51

You have to take the steps to get the information, which is kind

Stephen Box: 00:28:54

of the opposite of what most of us have learned to do, right?

Stephen Box: 00:28:57

We get the information, then we figure out the steps.

Stephen Box: 00:29:00

The step is that you actually ask questions, that you communicate, you

Stephen Box: 00:29:04

talk to your spouse, you figure out what it is that's important to them.

Stephen Box: 00:29:08

That's the information that you need.

Stephen Box: 00:29:10

Then once you have that information, now you can figure

Stephen Box: 00:29:12

out what the other steps are.

Stephen Box: 00:29:14

But you've got to take that first step of getting that information, right?

Stephen Box: 00:29:18

It's not It's not just a simple matter of, let me take what I think.

Stephen Box: 00:29:24

Needs to be done and go do it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:26

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:26

I think Stephen, what you're alluding to reminds me of the term

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:29

emotional availability, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:32

Our partners want us to be emotionally available.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:34

That means willing to go there.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:37

I'm working with a couple right now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:39

And the woman says about the guy, he doesn't want to share

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:42

much about his history, emotions, and what he challenged with.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:46

And he's just thinking, you know, I'm just trying to be

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:49

efficient and get things done.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:51

And she's saying to be intimate more.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:54

I gotta have a better connection with you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:56

You gotta share.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:29:58

You gotta go deep and let me in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:00

And it hasn't been expedient or desirous for him.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:03

And I think he had the realization.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:06

What I'm hearing is that I need to be more emotional.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:09

It doesn't mean crazy and, and, and, uh, out of control, but it means

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:14

willing to share things that you feel.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:19

Which may not, may not make sense, might not cast you in a great light,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:24

you think, but you're being vulnerable and women crave vulnerability in their

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:30

man, because that's how they connect.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:32

That's how they relate.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:34

So all you're doing is meeting their needs.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:30:36

By digging deep and bringing it

Stephen Box: 00:30:38

out.

Stephen Box: 00:30:40

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:30:40

So let's actually touch on that for a second.

Stephen Box: 00:30:42

Cause I think a lot of men, when we start talking about these things, maybe get the

Stephen Box: 00:30:47

mental picture of they're supposed to be.

Stephen Box: 00:30:51

Lying on the couch, you know, with their head on their wife's shoulder, bawling

Stephen Box: 00:30:58

their eyes out, talking about some trauma from when they were seven years old.

Stephen Box: 00:31:02

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:31:03

And that's not what we're talking about here at

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:04

all.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:04

So, no, no, it's not what this looks like.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:09

Yeah, really.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:10

I mean, think of when I think of some of the mentors and the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:13

strongest men and people I look at.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:16

It's men who are in touch with their emotions and their selves and they're

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:19

willing, it's really about bearing your soul is what it is and it's your deep.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:25

Do you share?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:26

And this is about his on that communication thing

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:28

again, it's on commitment.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:29

Do you know your partner's deepest dreams, desires and fears?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:36

Like, have you ever asked your partner, your spouse, the question?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:38

What are you most afraid of?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:41

I asked my wife that question.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:42

You know what she told me?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:43

She said of dying before my kids get married and have

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:46

kids and I see their lives.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:48

She was a missing out on their lives.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:50

It's my or she said or you pre deceasing me and I don't get to share

Matthew Hoffman: 00:31:56

That life with you, that was a fear of hers and we had to talk about that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:00

And it helped me better understand and I shared my fears Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:04

Of not being around, you know, or, or of, of, of not, you know, or being alone.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:11

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:11

And not, and, and similar, we had some similar fears or,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:15

you know, not being enough.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:16

You know, not, not giving her, loving her, my children, my

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:20

grandchildren, not being able to do enough to set them up for success.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:25

It's one of my fears, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:27

But we had the conversation and I'm not weak because of that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:31

She's looking at me and going, wow, he was real.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:34

He's willing to share.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:36

And I'm also modeling that behavior to my kids.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:39

So they're looking at my wife and I and going, that's what a

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:42

good relationship looks like.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:44

And both my kids that are older and one's 25 and three are oldest,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:49

they're in serious relationships.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:51

And so we're modeling to them what we think a solid relationship looks

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:55

like because we want them to have that standard in their own lives.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:32:59

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:33:00

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:33:00

I think that there's.

Stephen Box: 00:33:04

Maybe this other issue that pops up for a lot of men, right?

Stephen Box: 00:33:07

Where, um, I alluded to kind of at the beginning where most of us have

Stephen Box: 00:33:13

been taught that our primary value is being a provider financially

Stephen Box: 00:33:19

and being a protector, right?

Stephen Box: 00:33:21

And so, I think for some guys it's easy to sell them on the idea of

Stephen Box: 00:33:25

getting healthy because they can see themselves as a protector.

Stephen Box: 00:33:28

Okay, I need, I need to improve my health so I can be a protector.

Stephen Box: 00:33:32

Or when we start talking to them about you need to work on your health so that

Stephen Box: 00:33:36

you can continue to work so that you can continue to provide financially.

Stephen Box: 00:33:40

I think those are easy sales for a lot of guys because it's very practical,

Stephen Box: 00:33:44

it's logical, it makes sense, right?

Stephen Box: 00:33:47

But when we start talking about.

Stephen Box: 00:33:49

The importance of prioritizing your relationship.

Stephen Box: 00:33:53

I think this is where a lot of men start to get in trouble because

Stephen Box: 00:33:56

they see their only value in the relationship, what they bring financially.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:02

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:03

And that's, you know, that's an important element.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:05

Being a provider is a huge responsibility and it carries a lot of weight

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:09

and a lot of, you know, focus and attention that's required for that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:13

But one of the things I talk about all the time at Kick Ass Couples

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:16

Nation and our coaching is your partner, your spouse needs to be your

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:20

most important human relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:23

I'm not talking divine, you know, that's, that's first.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:26

My wife knows that in, and I'm coming from a Christian faith and my commitment

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:30

to God is first and she's second and I'm third and she would make the same claim.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:34

So we're in alignment on that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:36

But after that spiritual and soulful connection, there is

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:40

no other person more important.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:43

Or first place than her, not our kids, not my parents, my family of

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:47

origin, not my siblings, not a friend, not any other family member, no one.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:53

I mean, I love my kids, but they're not first.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:56

This is not a kid centered relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:34:58

It's a wife because our healthy relationship will do more for them

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:02

than if it's great and strong.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:04

And yes, we love them and we take care of them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:06

We don't neglect them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:07

But what are you putting in front of your partner?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:10

Your spouse, is it your work?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:12

Is it your workout?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:14

Is it alcohol or pornography?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:17

That's a pernicious whole another topic and slope right there.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:21

Um, is it, you know, is it gambling?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:24

Is it your mom?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:25

Because you man, no, no, my mom was there way before you and she's,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:29

you know, and she's first, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:31

There's all kinds of things we can put first.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:33

And it, the danger is that, um, when that person knows they're not a priority or

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:39

they're not on your thought first, then, well, why should I be there for them?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:43

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:44

I mean, as we talked earlier about that slippery slope and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:35:47

that downward spiral, yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:35:50

And I think you really kind of highlighted there something that

Stephen Box: 00:35:55

doesn't get talked about enough these days is I'm not sure exactly when this

Stephen Box: 00:36:00

started happening, but at some point our society decided that children were

Stephen Box: 00:36:07

the most important people in the house.

Stephen Box: 00:36:09

And I've, I don't have any kids myself, so I don't normally talk too much about this,

Stephen Box: 00:36:15

but it's something that I've observed in a lot of my friends, where if they're not

Stephen Box: 00:36:20

happy in the relationship, it's always just, Or at least it seems to me from

Stephen Box: 00:36:27

the outside from what they share that it seems like always one of the biggest

Stephen Box: 00:36:30

sources of stress is the kids because they're so busy prioritizing the kids.

Stephen Box: 00:36:35

I got to take the kids to this practice.

Stephen Box: 00:36:36

I got to take them to this.

Stephen Box: 00:36:37

I got to get them enrolled in this.

Stephen Box: 00:36:38

We got to get them in this school.

Stephen Box: 00:36:39

We got to do this.

Stephen Box: 00:36:41

And their entire life becomes so much about the kids.

Stephen Box: 00:36:46

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:36:47

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:36:48

What are you teaching your kids other than to neglect their spouse in the

Stephen Box: 00:36:52

future and make their kids more important?

Stephen Box: 00:36:53

At what point are you really doing your kids any good there?

Stephen Box: 00:36:57

Right?

Stephen Box: 00:36:58

And I love the fact that you pointed out you're modeling.

Stephen Box: 00:37:02

For your kids

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:03

right now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:04

Yeah, my wife and I did a parenting class together back in the days

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:07

of cassette tapes and VHS, right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:09

And workbooks that we wrote in, uh, and we, you know, and in the course

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:14

it came through with an idea that we, I loved and it's the children

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:17

are a welcome addition to the home.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:20

They're not the center of the home.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:22

When you make the kids the center of the home, a lot of couples, when the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:26

kids go off to school and they're empty nest, it happened to my parents.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:28

My parents got divorced after 26 years of marriage because I went to college.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:33

My dad was sitting across the dinner table from my mom and he goes, kids are gone,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:38

you and me and our relationship sucks.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:40

Because it was a child focused relationship out of necessity or out

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:46

of fear because they don't want to face the issues they had between them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:49

And a lot of couples go through that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:51

They're like, shoot, it's just the two of us now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:54

How do we do this?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:55

Right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:37:57

All my days with you, you know, and, uh, how are we going to handle it?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:00

And if you haven't been doing, having the date nights and being intimate and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:04

having the great communication and having the connection and investing in it,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:09

It's not going to just magically happen because there's no kids in the picture.

Stephen Box: 00:38:14

So what's, um, you may not know this off the top of

Stephen Box: 00:38:18

your head, but if you do, uh, I'd kind of be curious to hear it.

Stephen Box: 00:38:23

What is the numbers on divorces after The kids leave the house.

Stephen Box: 00:38:29

Are they, are they higher at that point?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:33

You know, I mean, the divorce statistic in general, I don't

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:36

know if you knew this is 50%, one in two relationships fail and the average tenure

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:43

of the first relationship is seven years.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:46

And then if you go to second and third relationships.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:49

The divorce rate gets higher and higher.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:52

So it doesn't get better if you're hopping, cause you think, Oh, I

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:55

was just in the wrong relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:56

Not that second relationships can't continue.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:38:59

So I think one of the points that you talked about is the emptiness syndrome.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:04

And I think more divorce has happened in that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:06

Another is.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:08

We're married and we have kids and we're five to seven to eight.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:12

I don't know if you, you know, in having kids when they're in the, there's kind

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:15

of the elementary school, like the third, fourth and fifth grade, that's a huge push

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:19

point because it's kind of like, holy cow, I got six, seven, eight, nine year olds.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:25

Working and man, this is not what I thought it was going to be.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:29

The stressors of work and kids and relationship and everything is right there

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:35

and if they can't deal with it and figure it out, that's a huge ejection point.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:40

Because, uh, and, and, you know, so that's one of them.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:44

And another one, as you indicated is kids are gone.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:46

It's just the two of us.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:48

If the great behaviors and habits haven't been there now, a huge

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:52

time suck and distractors gone.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:54

Now you got more time.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:55

And if you don't know what to do with it, how to face it, you're not equipped.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:39:59

You're not planning.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:40:00

It can be a real choking point as well.

Stephen Box: 00:40:03

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:40:03

I think also there, there's an identity issue here, right?

Stephen Box: 00:40:06

Where when you make everything about the kids.

Stephen Box: 00:40:10

That becomes your identity.

Stephen Box: 00:40:12

You're a parent, right?

Stephen Box: 00:40:13

That is your entire existence.

Stephen Box: 00:40:15

And so when they're gone and it's just you and your spouse.

Stephen Box: 00:40:23

You're still a parent, but that's no longer your primary thing because it's

Stephen Box: 00:40:28

not part of the daily routine anymore.

Stephen Box: 00:40:31

Now all of a sudden, you've reverted back to, you're the spouse, and you haven't

Stephen Box: 00:40:37

been doing spouse things for years.

Stephen Box: 00:40:40

It's difficult at that point to just go, you know what, let's just jump right

Stephen Box: 00:40:44

back to where we were before we had kids.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:40:47

Not easy because of life stages.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:40:48

I mean, you know, talk about, uh, you know, as women get older, you know, you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:40:53

hormone changes, not just for women, guys.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:40:55

I mean, hormones level change, you got menopause, you've got cancer

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:01

issues, you've got hysterectomies, you know, you've got mastectomies,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:05

guys, testosterone changes, weight changes, libido, motivation, interest.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:11

I know guys, if you say, Hey, as you get older, your sex interest is going to wane.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:15

It's just a cold, hard fact.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:18

Um, not that people in their 70s and 80s aren't doing it because they are,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:22

but it, you know, it's not like you were 25 or 28 when you're in your 70s.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:28

It changes, you know, but you can still be intimate and have a lot of fun.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:33

So there are those changes that happen in figuring out.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:36

It's not just one issue like it's okay.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:38

The kids are gone.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:39

Everything else is the same now.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:40

What have we been doing?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:42

How have we been feeding and tending the relationship and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:45

don't forget your wife is a wife.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:47

She's a mother She's a daughter.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:50

She's a best friend.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:51

She's a sibling.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:53

Think of all the roles, right, that they have.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:41:56

You want to make sure your partner, and for yourself as well,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:00

you want them to, you, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:01

And you talked about, you know, losing weight and staying in shape,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:05

Stephen, being physically, um, responsible is an important area.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:11

If you neglect your physicality, your spirituality, your emotional condition,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:16

your intimate connection, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:17

Anything you neglect, it It's out of shape.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:21

It's, it's not in good, you know, it's not going to respond the way you want.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:24

It's not going to give you what you need if you're not working and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:42:27

focused on it in the right way.

Stephen Box: 00:42:29

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:42:29

I mean, and that just kind of ties into, you know, I always talk about this idea

Stephen Box: 00:42:33

of connected health where we're looking at the physical, we're looking at the mental,

Stephen Box: 00:42:38

the emotional, the relationships, our environments, our spiritual connection,

Stephen Box: 00:42:43

you know, our connection to something bigger than us and all of those areas.

Stephen Box: 00:42:49

have to be taken care of.

Stephen Box: 00:42:50

Now, the good news is we can strengthen every last one of those by focusing

Stephen Box: 00:42:57

on one, but it's a matter of, they all need some attention, right?

Stephen Box: 00:43:02

We can't just neglect any of them.

Stephen Box: 00:43:05

And.

Stephen Box: 00:43:06

I think for so many of us, the daily grind starts to wear on us, and a huge

Stephen Box: 00:43:13

part of the reason why the daily grind wears us so much is because we're lacking

Stephen Box: 00:43:21

that connection in our relationships that you talked about earlier.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:27

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:28

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:29

I mean, it's your relationship should be the oasis, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:33

When you come home, your home should be the retreat.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:36

It should be the relationships, the safe place where you go back and you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:39

get recharged mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:44

where all those needs doesn't mean you're looking to the relationship saying

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:47

it's got to give me everything I need.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:48

That's not what I'm saying.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:50

I'm saying you can build the relationship so that There's so much good.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:55

Kim and I have this concept in our, in our podcast, Kick Ass Couples

Matthew Hoffman: 00:43:58

Podcast called Overflow Thinking.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:00

And I believe that your relationship can have so much good in it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:05

It's overflowing and it's going to overflow who to the rest of your family,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:09

to your kid's school, to your community, to your neighbors, to your church.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:13

There's going to be so much good because you're pouring in, you should be pouring

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:17

in so much to your partner and your spouse that they can't contain it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:20

And it's going to allow them to fill and overflow and everything else.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:24

And that's a beautiful thing when it happens.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:26

So that's what the relationship can be and should be.

Stephen Box: 00:44:30

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:44:30

And you know, something I think that we don't talk about enough is men.

Stephen Box: 00:44:34

is we tend to think or be taught by society that it's about what

Stephen Box: 00:44:43

we get, but the more that we give, the more that we feel

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:51

fulfilled.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:53

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:54

I mean, there is a physiological response when you give the endorphins and the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:44:59

chemicals that are released in your body.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:01

It's, it's not the same as sex.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:04

You, you can be incredibly satisfied and feel that a little bit euphoric

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:08

feeling when you give and, you know, it's based on a biblical term is, you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:13

know, seek your own and another's good.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:15

And, you know, it's kind of like the more you give, the more fit you are to receive.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:22

Because your mentality is, I want to help give, grow, create and nurture.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:27

So guess what that attracts?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:29

It attracts other people and other things that want to grow, give, create

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:34

and nurture and you can welcome that in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:36

So if you want that in your life, it's not about, I'm, I'm open,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:39

I'm here, come pour into me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:42

It's about how can I pour into others?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:44

And, um, you know, and that's really what that relationship should look like.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:48

That's the, that's the relationship nirvana, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:45:50

We all want, you

Stephen Box: 00:45:53

talk about it earlier, right?

Stephen Box: 00:45:54

Where it's like.

Stephen Box: 00:45:56

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own actions, but you're not

Stephen Box: 00:46:04

doing them because the other person said to, or because they asked you to do it,

Stephen Box: 00:46:10

you're doing it because of who you are.

Stephen Box: 00:46:13

And I think you just tie it back to that beautifully.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:16

Yeah, thank you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:17

No, I agree with that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:19

And it's, and it's fun to see.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:22

I love to catch my wife doing stuff right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:26

And then, you know, back to that communication piece and speaking

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:28

it, Hey, when you did this with our son, I, the conversation you just

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:33

had with that neighbor, the way you relayed that to our daughter, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:37

Whatever it is, I'm recognizing it, I'm speaking it because when you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:42

don't give the compliments and the appreciation and the gratitude, I liken

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:46

it to having money in your pocket, but starving because you can't buy food.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:50

It's like, you know what?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:51

It's a wasted currency.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:52

You're not spend that currency of gratitude and of praise and of recognition

Matthew Hoffman: 00:46:58

because you're, you're going to get more.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:00

You're not going to run out of it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:01

You don't got to hoard it and hold on to it.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:03

But, uh, that's what our partners need to see us and feel.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:07

And it makes, it creates the culture, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:10

There's a culture.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:11

of communication.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:12

There's a culture of gratitude, a culture of giving.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:16

And when you're in that culture, my parents modeled that for me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:19

I learned philanthropy from my parents and I grew up doing it and

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:24

we do it to the level of our ability.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:27

It's not thousands and millions, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:30

But we give.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:32

To what we can give and we stretch ourselves because it was

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:35

the culture that was created.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:36

So the question I'd ask back is what kind of culture are you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:40

creating in that relationship?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:42

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:42

Is it giving, giving, loving, supporting, overflowing, or is it

Matthew Hoffman: 00:47:46

conditional and based on what you get?

Stephen Box: 00:47:49

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:47:49

I, and I'll share, um.

Stephen Box: 00:47:52

A, a quick story here is, I remember years and years ago, I,

Stephen Box: 00:47:57

I wish I could remember the book.

Stephen Box: 00:47:58

It might have been the, the one Minute salesperson, but I don't remember

Stephen Box: 00:48:02

for sure, but this is like early in my, my career in sales, and it talked

Stephen Box: 00:48:07

about how if you're not careful in a sales process, You will put yourself

Stephen Box: 00:48:14

in a position where the customer will give you a compliment, right?

Stephen Box: 00:48:20

Because compliments are free, and it doesn't cost them anything to give you

Stephen Box: 00:48:24

a compliment, and therefore they've now fulfilled their obligation because

Stephen Box: 00:48:28

you gave them something, they're giving you something back, right?

Stephen Box: 00:48:31

And I point this out because I think it's a good reminder Not, not because we're

Stephen Box: 00:48:37

talking about sales, but because it's that reminder that compliments are free, right?

Stephen Box: 00:48:44

It's taking that moment to actually communicate those things like you

Stephen Box: 00:48:50

just pointed out to your spouse.

Stephen Box: 00:48:52

It costs you absolutely nothing.

Stephen Box: 00:48:56

It's the easiest thing you can do.

Stephen Box: 00:48:57

It's like the most practical first step that anybody can take.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:01

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:02

What do you appreciate about them?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:03

What do you, what do you, uh, you know, we've, we've got a thing called the

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:07

greatest gift challenge and, uh, it's behind me in a frame on my desk, even,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:11

and I did this for my wife when she was doing a work project and I was off

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:15

kind of at a retreat, having fun with.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:17

old camp friends in a summertime.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:20

And, um, I wrote down in a text, I said, these are the 10 things I

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:24

love and appreciate about you most.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:26

And I sent her this long text, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:29

She was busy working on the trees, hauling and cutting, you know,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:32

struggling without me there.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:33

I felt a lot of guilt, but she called me later and she said, that's one of

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:37

the nicest gifts you've ever given me.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:42

And then she goes, made me cry.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:43

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:44

And then she did it for me and I have it framed on my desk.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:48

Whenever I need a little boost or a pep, I go back and I read it and what a gift.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:53

What did it cost her?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:54

A few minutes just to write some ideas down on paper.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:49:57

And, uh, but man, the impact is, is huge.

Stephen Box: 00:50:01

I love that too, because having a gift like

Stephen Box: 00:50:05

that, I'm sure also allows you.

Stephen Box: 00:50:08

to occasionally kind of look at that list and check in and

Stephen Box: 00:50:10

go, am I still being that man?

Stephen Box: 00:50:12

Am I doing those things?

Stephen Box: 00:50:13

Am I still doing the things that my wife loves the most about me?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:16

Yeah, absolutely.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:18

Accountability.

Stephen Box: 00:50:20

So, so Matthew, I know you have quite a few pillars

Stephen Box: 00:50:25

that you, that you talk about in the, uh, the kick ass nation.

Stephen Box: 00:50:29

Let's make this super practical for people though.

Stephen Box: 00:50:32

Um, Where if someone's, well, first of all, let's actually

Stephen Box: 00:50:37

take one step back here.

Stephen Box: 00:50:38

Let's talk about what are the different phases of relationships and then

Stephen Box: 00:50:43

let's maybe, you know, kind of talk about what is the first step to take.

Stephen Box: 00:50:47

Depending on what phase you're in.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:49

Yeah.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:50

You know, there's a lot of different stages.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:51

The first one is kind of that romance and fantasy, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:50:56

Of, you know, you're starry eyed and like, Oh, I'm in love and isn't this great?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:01

Right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:02

Then there's the reality phase where like, Okay, wait a minute, you know, this

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:05

is work and it's not always wonderful.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:07

Then there's the power struggle, like, Wait a minute, who's in control?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:10

Who's leading this train?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:12

I'm the captain.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:13

No, I am.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:14

Right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:14

Then there's the compromise where you're figuring it out.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:17

Okay, how are we going to do this dance?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:19

And then There's acceptance, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:22

And then after that last acceptance, there's incredible growth because

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:25

you've figured out the dance, gotten agreement, you know, and you figured

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:30

out as a team, not I, not you, but us.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:33

And so I think I always tell couples where to start, you know, the foundation, we

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:36

have 14 pillars, the three C's are the most important, we call those commitment.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:41

Communication and conflict resolution.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:43

We talked a lot about communication today, but commitment, Stephen's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:46

kind of the cornerstone, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:47

When they're building a building, they put one stone down in the corner.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:51

That's a right angle and everything else keys off of that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:51:55

So if you have commitment and commitment means this is my journey for life.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:01

comes, I don't care, or no plan B is another way of saying it, right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:06

No open doors and windows.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:08

I don't like this.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:08

I can dive out a window.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:09

I can hit eject.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:11

Right.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:11

So.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:12

What does commitment look like in the relationship?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:14

Have you sat down words and phrases?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:18

Have you shared with your partner?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:20

What do you think it is?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:21

What do they think it is?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:22

And are you on the same page about what commitment looks like?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:25

Because if you are, it's a great launching point.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:28

But if you're, if it's cloudy and, and, and hazy and not quite clear, you

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:33

got to get clarity on what commitment looks like because then what, if

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:37

you don't know what it looks like, how can you meet the expectation?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:41

You can't, you know, so it's, you know, people get separated, divorced and break

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:47

up because of conversations that they should have had that never happened.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:53

Having that conversation about commitment, what does it look like

Matthew Hoffman: 00:52:56

for you, for me, understanding, and then What are we going to do?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:00

Let's form our own code or agreement about what commitment

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:05

looks like for our relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:07

Then you've got it right?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:08

Then how are we living up to this standard, this contract

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:11

that we just came up with?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:13

Are we doing it?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:13

And instead of me saying, Hey, you're not toeing the line.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:17

I can say, do you feel like we're demonstrating what we agreed

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:20

upon right here, this thing, this agreement, this commitment, and it's

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:25

impersonal, but it's a standard.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:27

And that's where I would start.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:53:29

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:53:30

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:53:30

I think that's really good because what I teach people when it comes to like

Stephen Box: 00:53:34

creating healthy habits is this system of everything starts with a vision, right?

Stephen Box: 00:53:40

You got to have clarity on what the picture looks like and then

Stephen Box: 00:53:43

taking a step back and asking yourself, what are the behaviors?

Stephen Box: 00:53:48

That someone living that life have, then how do I start taking those behaviors

Stephen Box: 00:53:54

and making them who I am today so that I can start becoming that vision and.

Stephen Box: 00:54:00

When we're talking about our relationship, you can't have your

Stephen Box: 00:54:05

vision and she have her vision.

Stephen Box: 00:54:09

You have to have a vision together.

Stephen Box: 00:54:12

And that really, I kind of think, you know, speaks to what you just

Stephen Box: 00:54:16

said about it's that commitment.

Stephen Box: 00:54:19

You both have this common vision that you're working toward, but if you don't

Stephen Box: 00:54:23

have the communication piece, if you're not communicating to each other, then how

Stephen Box: 00:54:28

do you know if you're working toward it?

Stephen Box: 00:54:31

Yeah,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:32

I use a phrase I you and us before you get married.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:35

It's I and you right once you're married It's us.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:39

So you have to say every decision we make is it a win for the us because if it is

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:44

we both benefit But if it's good for me and not you then it's not a good decision

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:48

Because we don't want to make a lot of decisions in our relationship that bring

Matthew Hoffman: 00:54:52

one forward and hold one back because that's, that's a recipe for disaster.

Stephen Box: 00:54:58

So, so Matthew, if someone out there right now is

Stephen Box: 00:55:02

maybe in that stage where their relationship is just maintaining, or

Stephen Box: 00:55:06

maybe it's even starting to decline and they're thinking to themselves.

Stephen Box: 00:55:13

Man, there's a lot of value you guys gave me today.

Stephen Box: 00:55:15

I'm, I've got some stuff I think I have a direction where to go, but I have no

Stephen Box: 00:55:21

clue how to actually start doing it.

Stephen Box: 00:55:23

What's the best way for them to get in touch with you and, and work with you?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:27

Absolutely.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:28

You can go to matthew p hoffman.com is my website, two t's, two F's,

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:33

with a p in the middle, Matthew p hoffman.com and we have something

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:36

called a free relationship assessment.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:38

I would love anybody listening today that's saying, you know what, I got

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:43

obstacles and I got pain points, and man, I don't know how to get

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:46

around them, but they're in the way of me having my best relationship.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:50

I'd love to talk to you.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:51

You can schedule a free call and Matthewphoffman.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:54

com.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:55

It pops up right when you go there.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:55:56

I'd love to schedule a call to talk to you to understand and see if I can help you.

Stephen Box: 00:56:02

Awesome.

Stephen Box: 00:56:02

And of course you also have your podcast that people can also check out that

Stephen Box: 00:56:07

you co host with your wife, if I'm

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:09

not mistaken.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:10

Yeah, the Kick Ass Couples Podcast.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:12

We just celebrated our 100th episode, so we're learning a lot and growing

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:16

and having some wonderful episodes.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:17

We talk to people who are masters of relationship and say, How do you do it?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:22

What do you do?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:23

And how do you overcome challenges when you face them?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:25

And we share the pearls that come out of that.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:27

And then we also do special episodes for issues that people

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:31

want to learn more about.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:32

And we get panel discussions going and have a lot of fun too.

Stephen Box: 00:56:36

Awesome.

Stephen Box: 00:56:37

Well, Matthew, I really appreciate you, uh, taking the time to come

Stephen Box: 00:56:40

on today, uh, share your story, share your, your insights here.

Stephen Box: 00:56:44

Is there any final thoughts that you would like to leave people with?

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:48

You know, uh, that we, we, we sign off a lot with a thought that

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:52

happily ever after doesn't just happen.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:55

It's on purpose.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:56

So if you can be intentional.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:56:58

and have the conversations, create the space.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:02

If you want a better relationship, it doesn't matter what quality

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:05

you think needs to improve.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:07

Having greater bonding, greater connection is going to bring you closer together

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:13

and allow you to improve in those areas.

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:15

And that happens from time together and having those conversations, having

Matthew Hoffman: 00:57:19

those discussions, you know, and dating.

Stephen Box: 00:57:23

Love it.

Stephen Box: 00:57:24

And guys, as always, I'm just going to go ahead and remind you here, whether it's

Stephen Box: 00:57:29

your health, whether it's relationships, no matter what area of our lives it is.

Stephen Box: 00:57:37

None of us are born unshakable, but we can all become unshakable.

Stephen Box: 00:57:43

Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to the Unshakable Habits

Stephen Box: 00:57:45

podcast with coach Stephen Box.

Stephen Box: 00:57:48

Be sure to hit the subscribe button and help us spread the word by

Stephen Box: 00:57:52

sharing the podcast with other men.

Stephen Box: 00:57:54

If you're ready to create unshakable habits, you can learn more and

Stephen Box: 00:57:58

connect with us at unshakablehabits.

Stephen Box: 00:58:01

com.