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00:02:28 John Bolby

00:05:01 Dismissive Avoidant

00:06:11 Fearful Avoidant

00:15:45 Bolster Your Self Esteem

00:18:09 Reconsider Your Boundaries

00:18:38 Part Two reparenting Yourself

00:30:31 Step Five

00:33:50 Part Three transactional Analysis

00:51:40 Eric Byrne's Transactional Analysis

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• If we want to know who we are now and why we are that way, we need to look at what came before, i.e., our childhoods. Bowlby outlined different styles of infant attachment (secure attachment, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant) and showed how each shaped the adult’s relationship patterns. We can become aware of and take responsibility for our attachment styles as adults, in the present. Working on self-esteem and having relationships with people with secure attachment styles are ways we can mitigate our early programming.

• You can also heal wounds from the past by “reparenting,” which is consciously choosing to provide yourself as an adult with everything you weren’t provided with as a child. With visualization, our present-day adult goes back to engage with and heal their inner child. Become aware, conjure up the inner child, and dialogue with them, truly listening to what they say. Then commit to giving them what they need.

• It’s important to apply the lessons learned in real life—for example, by setting boundaries or embracing healthier habits and routines.

• Eric Berne’s transactional analysis is another way to understand our ingrained and stereotypical relationship patterns. Berne outlined three ego states we can occupy: parent, child, and adult. These unconscious patterns shape the “games” we play, but with conscious awareness, we can shift into a more neutral adult ego state.

• It’s worthwhile asking yourself what role you most often play and what games recur in your life so that you can consciously choose something different.

#Bowlby #Disorganizedinsecure #DrEricBerne #FearfulAvoidant #GamesPeoplePlay #JohnBowlby #MaryAinsworth #PAC #Reparenting #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #HowtoTherapizeandHealYourself #NickTrenton #

Recall that Clara had the following core belief the world is not safe and I am not safe. People can't be trusted. Clara can do a great deal to challenge this core belief to reframe it, to look for evidence, and to gradually rework it into something that helps her life instead of sabotages it. One way to get rid of this belief is to understand how it got there in the first place. We inquire into the past. Not so we can blame our parents, shrug our shoulders and say that nothing can be done, but rather so that we can understand and do better. Just like the gestalt therapists emphasized, we grapple with the past as a way to live more freely and authentically in the present. When Clara was a year old, her parents divorced. Her mother was so sick with stress and worry that she was unable to respond to Clara's emotional needs and often got irritated with the child.

Though both her parents loved her, the home environment was chaotic and unstable. Clara remembers that in her teen years she would often anxiously try to think of ways to cheer her mother up, to be good, to win affection. John Bolby was a psychotherapist who was the first to propose a theory of childhood attachment, and he would have classified Clara as having an anxious attachment style. Boby would say that as an adult, Clara's tendency to catastrophize, to worry, and to feel terrified of being abandoned comes from her early childhood experiences of insecurely attaching to her primary caregiver, in this case, her mother. According to Bowlby, attachment is a lasting, innate psychological connection between children and their caregivers. In his research, he notices that when scared children ordinarily seek consolation from their primary caregivers. Mary Ainsworth later expanded his work with her Strange Situation investigation, which observed twelve to 18 month olds while they were momentarily left alone and then reunited with their mothers. The research revealed that even at that young age, the infants had characteristic styles of attachment secure attachment. This is the healthy, normal mode dismissive, avoidant fearful, avoidant disorganized or insecure attachment.

Dismissive Avoidant Someone who's adopted a dismissive avoidance style has a core emotion of painful uncertainty in their relationships, which they deal with by denying their own need. In Bolby's experiments, these were the children who did not appear distressed when their mothers left them in a strange environment, as though to say, I don't need her anyway. A person with this style may have core beliefs that confirm the basic unreliability of other people and cognitive biases that work hard to create a feeling of invulnerability and autonomous self reliance. This style is characterized by seeming aloof, distant and withdrawn unlikely to connect at an intimate level avoiding vulnerability, pursuing independence and feeling smothered otherwise finding close involvement with their partners difficult and feeling anxious about commitment feeling overwhelmed when heavily relied upon to escape these feelings, they may retreat either physically or emotionally. Fearful Avoidant While someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style tends to avoid intimacy since it's been so lacking and unreliable in the past. Someone with a fearful avoidance style may have grown up in an environment where the primary caregiver was actively harmful in some way, whether parents were outright abusive or simply battling their own addictions or emotional pain. It can be incredibly difficult if the person who is meant to care for and love you is also the source of your fear or unhappiness. Understandably, this can create a kind of push pull. Ambivalence this style is characterized by deep feelings of unworthiness.

Being hurt by a loved and needed caregiver is an unthinkable pain. To make sense of it, someone may decide that they were somehow bad or flawed and that's why they were treated poorly. This doesn't feel good, but it's a way to understand an unbearable situation. Ambivalence in relationships blowing hot and cold shifting between being distant and being vulnerable overanalyze microexpressions and body language monitoring people's emotions very closely to catch any signs of impending danger suspicion and lack of trust being unpredictable disorganized insecure attachment this attachment style can result from early caregiving that was highly inconsistent. It's as though the child could never really relax, even when needs were being met. It paid to be vigilant, because all that could stop unexpectedly at any moment. For example, someone might have grown up with loving parents, but those parents were both very busy and seldom around. There was love and affection, but it was often given and then retracted. The child grew up with an internalized sense of what can I do to earn that love back?

When is the next bad thing coming, and how can I prepare for it? This attachment style is characterized by self sacrificing people, pleasing behavior, hypersensitive to, and enormously fearful of rejection. It's like the world is ending panic about the potential of being abandoned. They may overcompensate in adult relationships, over giving and taking on too much responsibility. They may have an unconscious core belief in order to be loved, I have to sacrifice my own needs. Sacrifice their own needs to maintain relationships, and inability to feel safe and settled, or to appreciate accomplishments. You might now be wondering what the normal attachment style looks like. What about when a primary caregiver is available, loving and responsive to the child's needs? Secure attachment when a growing child feels cared for and loved, they can internalize that feeling of care and self worth within themselves.

If they reliably express their needs and have them met, most of the time, they come to trust the people around them and grow up to be broadly stable, balanced adults who, by and large, have a positive attitude toward the world in general. The attachment style is characterized by feeling secure in relationships are supportive, open and available in their relationships have healthy self esteem and intact boundaries are respectful of others find a balance between Clingy and Aloof Valuing. Both themselves and others in mature adult relationships have the potential to shift individuals in other attachment styles to a more secure one. Maybe you've noticed that Clara has a mix of fearful, avoidant and insecure attachment styles. While Clara's parents loved her and she loved them, she grew up with a very real sense of their unreliability. Consequently, as a very young child, she internalized the idea that it was her job to figure out how to get her parents to meet her needs. Unconsciously, she worked hard to make others happy, to not have too many needs of her own, to not express her fears or distress, all in the hope that this sacrifice would make her an easier child to love and care for and prevent people from abandoning her. Consider again how upset Clara was when her husband was late coming home from work. Understanding her own attachment style gives her a lot of insight into why she felt this way.

So can you change if you've recognized some of yourself in the above descriptions? Don't despair. The idea is not to shrug and conclude that nothing can be done. Though our early childhood experiences have an enormous impact on our adult relationships. These patterns are just that patterns. They're not written in stone. Here are a few ways to start healing attachment wounds and moving toward a healthier attachment style. As an adult, take ownership and responsibility for your attachment style. As children, we did the best we could with what we had.

But as adults, we have the opportunity to become more aware of how we behave. The more and more aware we become, the more we're responsible for our choices. Here in the present, we need to acknowledge the past, understand how it has shaped us, and forgive with compassion. But we also need to take ownership of ourselves and take charge of how we want to live. If you find that you're an anxiously attached person, your task is to learn to shift inward. For example, instead of focusing on how late her husband is, what could have happened to him, why he didn't call, etc. Clara can turn inward and take responsibility for how she's feeling. This is a question of focus. It can be helpful to remind yourself that you simply cannot control others.

But with effort, you can moderate and regulate your own internal experience. If you find that you show a more avoidant attachment style, then you may notice yourself shirking obligations and duties and shying away from bids for intimacy from those around you. It may seem very difficult to meet the needs of other people. Your challenge then, is to find comfortable ways to meet both your needs and theirs. Avoidant people tend to see the emotional demands of others as a threat and may feel that they're being asked to give away a part of themselves or undermine themselves to keep people happy. But this is a faulty core belief. The next time you find yourself thinking in black and white, either or terms, either they get their way or I do try to think in terms of and in what way can you meet their needs and connect with them without compromising your own boundaries? You may need to get better at asking for what you need, meeting your needs yourself, or being more proactive about the kinds of emotional connections you most enjoy. Relationship problems often occur because we are unconsciously playing out old patterns from the past.

We may project onto others our own ingrained habits. Or worse, we may deliberately seek out relationships and friendships with only those people who best fit preexisting molds that were created in childhood. No matter your attachment style, however, you can move on by acknowledging what it is and owning it, instead of playing it out over and over again with other people. Clara has an anxious attachment style. Guess what? Her husband has an avoidant one. They are not together by accident. Their respective styles complement one another in the worst way possible. Clara is anxious, does too much overcompensates, and pursues her husband.

He in turn shies away from intimacy and commitment and finds Clara's constant neediness alarming. Together, they play out their mutual childhood attachment patterns. The cycle can only be broken when they both realize what's happening and take responsibility for it. That means that Clara stops behaving as though her husband's behavior is the cause of her anxiety, and he stops behaving as though her request for reassurance is the cause of him feeling smothered. Then they can help one another break these old patterns instead of reinforcing them. Bolster Your Self Esteem given inadequate or inconsistent parenting, many of us unconsciously come to the sad conclusion that we are somehow inferior and undeserving of complete love. This results in all sorts of self neglect, self sabotage, self criticism, and self destruction. We may deeply feel that we don't deserve happiness, or if we do, we have to earn it by completely relinquishing our needs and even our rights. Those who are securely attached, however, have a deep and abiding sense in their worth and general goodness as human beings.

They don't think they're perfect, but they are able to forgive their own flaws, to strive to be better without shame and blame, and to show that same compassion to others. Building up yourself in steam is not a shallow endeavor. It cannot be done simply by getting a new haircut, getting a raise, or convincing someone else to compliment you. Instead, it comes from a deep core of respect and self regard for yourself as a human being. This is a fundamental, irreducible form of worth you attribute to yourself simply because you're alive. Not because you've earned it by doing this or that, or because someone else agreed that you matter, but because you are a human being, because you are who you are. With this sense of deep worth intact, you're able to forgive yourself, to be patient with yourself as you grow, but not to mention you're able to keep your ego in check and not swing the other direction into narcissism. Pay attention to your hygiene, your diet, your physical well being, and your daily habits. Take pride in your belongings and your environment.

Address needs you may be neglecting in yourself. Do you need to go to the dentist? Quit smoking? Buy yourself better socks? Is there anything it's time you forgave yourself for? What about letting go of anger and blame for other people so you don't have to carry it anymore? Reconsider Your Boundaries good self esteem means protecting your time, your energy, your space, and your resources. Remind yourself of your values and commit to centering them more in your life. Prioritize your own joy and well being.

What really makes you happy? Why not give yourself full permission to pursue that? Part Two reparenting Yourself though the concept may seem a little out there to some, the principle of reparenting yourself is very simple. It's the act of consciously choosing to provide yourself as an adult with everything you weren't provided for as a child. What Bowlby and the other attachment theorists discovered is that secure attachment to a caregiver is a human need. But without that need, a child is forced to make compromises and do the best they can with what they have. The result may work even if it's not a sustainable and healthy solution. Long term reparenting heals. If you can give your inner child the love, acceptance and confidence they needed back then, the idea is that you repair unhealthy attachment styles and build healthier adult relationships.

You could waste a lot of time battling poor coping mechanisms and faulty relationship patterns. Or if you follow the logic of reparenting, you can go back and meet those unmet needs that created the poor coping mechanisms in the first place. Your inner child is the part of you that still processes the world like a child. Your upbringing shapes your unconscious thoughts and feelings, and that in turn shapes the decisions and choices you make. Every childhood event you digest was ingrained in your brain in the past in the form of core beliefs which affects your life in the present. Let's take a look now at Nick, who, you'll recall, battled low motivation, procrastination and depression. Nick was a very sensitive child, the youngest child in a big and busy family. He walked and talked early and was very bright and vivacious, but his parents were often too exhausted to listen to him prattle endlessly for hours and would sometimes lose their temper with him. Nick has memories of being very creative.

He would sing songs, dance around, make up stories invent things, or spend an entire afternoon making a portrait of the family dog from lawn clippings and glitter stuck to the back of a cereal box. His parents were well meaning, but they worked near constantly to provide for Nick and his brothers and sisters, and they seldom had patience for Nick's naughtiness. More than once he was scolded for playing around when there were chores to do. Looking back, Nick feels like the thing he internalized from his childhood was the constant message life is hard and difficult, stop having so much fun. He also remembered that nothing he created seemed to interest his parents or bring them any joy. By the time he was twelve years old, Nick had stopped all of that. What was the point? In fact, this is something that the grown up Nick finds himself saying almost daily what's the point? Of course, we can't say that Nick has depression now just because his parents once forgot to tell him his artwork was pretty.

And it's important here to remember that it's not what really happened that matters, but what the young Nick perceived to be the case. But by doing a little psychological auditing on himself in the present, nick can start to unpack where his feelings of apathy and low self worth might have come from. When it comes to reparenting, there are two theoretical people who are engaged in a kind of dialogue. One, the adult person you are right now. Two, your inner child who is not who you were back then, but rather a kind of internalized memory of that time in your life which lives on within you into the present. Of course, these two people are the same person. But by allowing your adult self, as it is today, to talk to your inner child self, you're able to have some interesting and insightful conversations. Inner child work and reparenting can help you better regulate your emotions and adapt to stress. It can help you develop healthy boundaries, proper routines and discipline around your mental well being.

It can help you develop genuine self care, compassion, and forgiveness, not just for yourself, but for others, too. And it can reconnect you to the sometimes surprising depths of your own innate joy, wonder, hope, innocence, power, and resilience that you first experienced as a child. So how do you do it? Of all the techniques covered in this book, reparenting is arguably the one least suited to practice on our own. A skilled and qualified therapist can help you through all aspects of reparenting yourself, and they can stand in for a parental figure during sessions in a way that may be hard to replicate on your own. That said, there are some exercises and practices that can be done without a therapist, and we'll look at one such exercise below, thinking about how Nick could try it out for himself. Step one become aware this is not theoretical or purely abstract or verbal work. You are attempting to connect with your inner child. This is not a rational or linear process, and it may not look like anybody else's process.

When we were children, our brains were not yet developed, and our sense of self was still new and ill defined. We may have had very limited or distorted awareness that we have long since adjusted for as we've grown up. The first step is to find some alone time where you won't be disturbed. Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable and take a moment to come into the present and calm your breathing. You can do this exercise when you're upset and emotionally activated, or you can do it when you're calmer. Both approaches will yield value. Take a moment to note how your body's feeling, your emotions and your thoughts. Nick notices that he's a little irritable and tense, with some tightness around his shoulders. Step two conjure up your inner child.

There are a few ways to do this. You can close your eyes and in your imagination, try to recall in as much detail as possible a memory from your childhood, as well as where you fit into this memory. You can use an old photograph or keepsake to help jog your memory. Try to vividly imagine yourself as a child at a certain age. What did you look like? What did you wear? How did you speak? Try to recall the things you were most concerned about try to hear your own voice. What kind of things did you say?

Spend your time with this. What you're trying to do is really invoke a crystal clear image of the younger version of yourself. When you're ready, imagine that this little person is sitting across from you on a chair, or that you've joined them in one of their games. You are approaching this inner child as a current adult version of yourself. For Nick, he imagines himself at twelve years old, sitting in his childhood bedroom. He can remember all the details the posters on the wall, the way his closet smelled, the color of his school bag in the corner. Step three. Listen. Now it's time to introduce yourself to your inner child and open a dialogue.

Imagine that this inner child you're meeting is someone you've never met before. At the same time, imagine that you are the kindest, wisest, and most caring adult possible here in the present. What should you talk about? Well, that's up to your inner child to decide. The best way to find out is to ask how do you feel right now? What's bothering you? What makes you happy? What do you need? Are you getting the things you need?

What do you wish would happen right now? What do you really want to say? Ask your inner child these questions and be genuinely curious about the answers. Maybe our inner child is hostile and suspicious. Who are you and why are you asking so many questions? In that case, be kind and wise. Tell your inner child that you're here, you're listening, and you genuinely want to know more about them. Admittedly, Nick thinks the whole process is a little cheesy. But when he gets to this stage of the process, he's very surprised to find that his inner child bursts into tears almost immediately.

Well, what's wrong? Nick asks. And the child explains that he feels so completely stupid and nothing he does is right and he hates himself. Nick is very taken aback. He asks more questions, listening completely to the answers without arguing, interrupting or interpreting. Nick is also surprised to find out how upset he is to meet this child. He feels sad for him, and protective. Who could look at a child and call them stupid? How could it be that this innocent child in front of him hates himself?

Step four reparent. The goal is to figure out what this child needs and to give it to them. Nick sees it all at once. Young Nick is a small, sensitive boy who simply needs to be told that he is worthwhile, that he has value, and that the things he creates and does are welcome in the world. He needs a big fat hug and the reassurance that he will always be cherished and cared for. He needs to be comforted and told that there is a point that people are listening to him, and that he belongs here in the world. As much as anyone else. Nick bends down to hug the child and they play together for a while. The child shows him some interesting new things he's been working on, and Nick listens with interest.

Then he says goodbye, promising to come back and visit later. What does your inner child most need and how can you give it to them? Maybe they're afraid and need reassurance that someone is there to protect them. Maybe they want to be spontaneous and innocent and silly. Maybe they need a little discipline and for someone to tell them no. Maybe they need you to keep your promise to them. Maybe they're just lonely and need you to listen. Maybe they want to play, but everyone is too busy and distracted. Maybe they need someone to apologize to them and make things right.

Maybe they need to say what they know is true and be believed. For Nick, his inner child has become sad and disillusioned. He needed someone to care about him and what he was doing and show interest in him. So that's what Nick did. Step Five applying What You Learn when Nick comes out of this self parenting session, it's not the end of the process. Simply encountering and listening to your inner child will trigger enormous shifts in you. But it's also worth deliberately taking what you learn and applying it to your everyday life. In Nick's case, he discovered for the first time in his life what it felt like to be apathetic, self critical and pessimistic. Whenever he felt himself slipping into negative self talk and inner criticism, he would remind himself of that desperately unhappy twelve year old crying in his childhood bedroom.

Would he say such harsh and unkind things to that twelve year old? If not, then why was he telling himself that? Nick remembered all the things his younger self needed to hear and wrote them down, transforming them into affirmations? You are worthwhile. You have value. You belong. You have skills and gifts and talents. And these are welcome in the world. It is never a waste of time to pursue your dreams.

You are worth listening to. You deserve to be treated with respect and care. Nick places these affirmations somewhere he can see them every day and recites them. Often something starts to shift inside him. The next time he feels depressed and is thinking about ordering in some junk food and wasting the afternoon on a gaming binge, he feels just how at odds this behavior is with the affirmations he just said a few hours earlier is junk food and gaming. What he really needs is he taking care of himself and respecting his gifts and worth. By doing that, Nick finds that he's even become a little protective over that inner child. When he meets up with an old family friend who playfully teases him about his lack of a proper job and insinuates that Nick will always be a loser, nick instantly draws a boundary and calls his friend out. In time, Nick finds that he's less and less tolerant of things that lower his feelings of self worth and people who do not listen to him.

His big light bulb moment comes when he realizes that the worst offender for this is himself. Does he want to continue lowering his own worth and refusing to listen to himself? You don't have to go all out to benefit from the principle of inner child work and reparenting. You can simply treat yourself with the same care and respect as you would a vulnerable child who depends on you. Keep your promises, keep your word. Say no to things that are unhealthy and make you unhappy. Don't let people bully or undermine you. Have enough discipline to stick to wholesome routines and habits. Find time for joy and relaxation.

Trust yourself and value your own opinion. Part Three transactional Analysis when we reparent, we are deliberately making use of the dynamic between parent and child in order to heal past wounds. But there's another common psychological theory that draws on these parent child dynamics, specifically the ones that already exist. Let's go back to Thea, who was trying to navigate the transition to retired life. Her core belief was that she had no value unless she worked hard and provided value to others. So when she stopped working, she suddenly felt aimless, guilty and ashamed. Thea's inner voice was like a nagging critical parent. Are you sure that's a good idea? You're being lazy again.

There are three ego states shortened to pack parent, adult and child. The parent is the mode based on the introjected I. E taken within the self parental figures and forms from a person's early life. A parent can fall into one of two paradigms. They can be controlling and powerful, making demands and setting limits and rules. Or they can be nurturing, protective, wise and supportive. The way that you enter parent mode is determined by your own experiences of your parents growing up. You can tell that someone is in the. Parent ego state when they appear to be talking down to others, using terms like you should and adopting a tone of voice and mannerisms that suggest a kind of authority.

This is definitely the ego state that thea most often finds herself in. Whether she is authoritarian or kind and nurturing, she usually takes on a mothering role for others. The adult is the system of here and now analysis. The adult can be understood as a bit like a computer trying to logically solve problems. This mode is assertive, practical, neutral and rational, and everything it does is embedded in reality. When people are healthy, balanced and unburdened psychologically, they naturally enter the adult ego state. People in the adult state are open and curious and base their decisions on data from the here and now. Rather than distortions from the past, the child relates to experiences of the self from the past and it's not dissimilar from the inner child we've discussed so far. There are different forms of childhood mode.

The adapted child responds to parent demands, either compliantly or rebelliously rather than to its own needs. They try hard to please others and desperately want to be liked, so they comply readily with others wishes and can come across as submissive, timid or lacking boundaries. On the other hand, they may make a show of flouting rules and boundaries, pushing strongly against them. In either case, the behavior is always primarily in response to the parent's demands. The free or natural child responds primarily to its own needs and is spontaneous. They're intelligent, creative and joyful, but may be inconsiderate of other people's needs. The somatic child reflects a time in childhood when body issues were prominent. A person fully identified with the somatic child ego state may have a host of physical complaints rather than psychological ones. Incidentally, Nick may often find himself in this mode, especially when he's sulking on the sofa saying he doesn't want to do any chores.

What's the point of knowing all this? Traditionally, Ta was used as a way for people to understand human interaction and communication. It provided a useful framework to better recognize misunderstandings and conflict so they can be minimized. But in the self therapy context, the theory is useful for helping each person understand the ego state with which they approach other people and how this impacts the way they interact and communicate. A person doesn't live in the same ego state forever. They can switch states depending on the context, the task, et cetera. But with awareness you can recognize when you're slipping into rebellious child mode or becoming too much of a bossy parent type like Theomite and consciously decide if your needs would be better met by going into adult instead. Just like cognitive distortions and incorrect core beliefs, ego states are there because on some level we believe they will help us meet our needs. Usually they don't, though we all adopt different ego states in every conversation or interaction.

We have in an overall relationship that spans several events and conversations. And on a broader level, there may be lifelong patterns of routinely defaulting to a favorite state. You can gain deeper insight into yourself by one, noticing what role you're playing in every conversation as it unfolds. Two, noticing the recurring patterns in your relationships three, noticing your overarching tendencies throughout life four finally noticing your own attitude toward yourself. Thea takes these ideas into her own life and starts to notice that she's quite often in parent mode. Sometimes she's a nurturing parent, sometimes she's a critical, judgmental one who likes to control and domineer. She starts to see all the relationships in her life, past and present, in a new light. All the people she's had difficult and conflictual connections with have tended to be people who often went into rebellious child mode. Did Thea attract these people into her life?

Or did her tendency to play the role of parent force others to play the role of naughty children? Truthfully, it's probably both. Most importantly, Thea realizes that she plays out this same dynamic with herself intra psychically. It's as though the stern and critical inner parent is always stepping in to make a snide comment about the rebellious and strong willed child piggybacking on her core beliefs that tell her she doesn't have any worth unless she's working hard. She adopts an attitude where she freely criticizes herself and others for being lazy, unmotivated, and lacking discipline and direction. You can imagine how much conflict she'd have with poor Nick. But it's only when she can come out of that mode and go into the adult ego state that things will start to genuinely change. The way to do this is to become aware and then to gently challenge yourself to find the adult perspective instead. For example, Thea is chatting one day with an old school friend.

This friend has not retired yet and in fact, doesn't plan to. Thea finds herself saying things like, oh, that sounds great. You should just remember to top up a little pension pot. Anyway, just in case, take it from someone who has retired. It's not what you think. Let me tell you how it is. Well done for you. I've always admired how disciplined and dedicated you are. Are you sure you thought clearly about how the next ten or 20 years will play out, though?

You're smart enough though? Are you sure this job will be challenging enough for you? Now, all the above may fit seamlessly into pleasant conversation and is not a problem as such, but go back and read them again and see if you can hear the parent ego state, both the supportive version and the critical version. Because of thea's own core beliefs, assumptions and personal psychological filters, she's adopting the role of perpetual parent. She's taken it upon herself to be the expert let me tell you how it really is and is offering both praise and criticism from a position of assumed authority and parental concern. If Nick, from our earlier example, paid attention to the way he spoke in interactions, he'd probably notice patterns for his own ego state. Can you guess which one? God. Just five more minutes and then I'll get up.

I know I shouldn't have pizza for dinner again, but to h*** with it. The doctor said my blood work came back just fine. That was super helpful, right? Idiot. That's just your opinion. Look, I'll try, and I'm not making any promises again. Any one of these phrases alone doesn't mean much, but as a whole, they might hint at a recurring pattern of rebellious child ego state. Consider the last one. I'll try, but no promises.

There's the acknowledgment of external life demands, but already there's the preparation to avoid shirk and rebel against them. Now, can you imagine what would happen if Thea and Nick had a conversation together? In fact, try to imagine that Thea is Nick's mom. It's easy to right. Eric Byrne, the founder of Ta, would say that when these two get together, they have compatible and mutually reinforcing styles that trap the both of them in a mutual pattern. What he called a game. One of Byrne's most recognizable games is one he calls yes, but take a read and see if you've encountered this game before. Perhaps you've even played both parts of the script. Nick I just wish I knew why I always felt so fatigued all the time.

Thea, I keep telling you, it's your diet. You need to test for vitamin deficiencies with the way you eat. Yeah, but I told you already, I'm not on that health insurance anymore. Well, that doesn't matter. You can just get a test done yourself. They don't cost much. You can get the cheaper ones, but they're not reliable. I read an article about it. You need to pay up if you want an accurate one.

Okay, then. Fine. I'll pay. How much are they? No, you're not paying for anything. It's not a vitamin deficiency anyway. Maybe if you just took a multivitamin anyway, a good one, just to be sure. You're covering all your bases. I already take one and it does nothing.

Okay, sure, but maybe try a different one then. Yes, but are you getting a good idea of the rules of this game? Thea the parent plays the role of trying to solve the problem of Nick, who plays the role of the rebellious child who has a problem that cannot or will not ever be solved. According to Byrne, games like this can carry on indefinitely and will only change when one of the parties changes their ego state. Let's imagine that Thea is learning more about herself and more about the automatic parent role she takes all the time. Let's say Nick is indeed her son, and that she's at her wits end trying to help him, knowing more about her own attachment style, her core beliefs and the roles she takes in interactions. Thea realizes the part she's playing in continuing the drama with her son Nick. How does anything change? Not by them playing another round of yes, but instead it changes when both of them can come into the adult ego state.

The temptation is almost irresistible, and when the natural result follows, he cries piteously, but the sign says don't kick me. Then he adds incredulously, Why does this always happen to me? Do you often find yourself playing a game of Lets you and him Fight, where you encourage two suitors to compete for you? Are you often playing the role of a persecuting and nitpicking lawyer who hides his attacks in passive aggression? Or are you most often the helpless victim who secretly doesn't mind being picked on because it absolves him from having to make his own choices? Ta is a fascinating lens through which to look at human interactions, and if you're honest with yourself, can provide rich insight into your most authentic and knee jerk behaviors. In the next conversation you're in, ask yourself, what role am I playing and the other person? Are we playing out a script we've gone through before? What's the payoff for both of us?

Am I in parent, adult, or child ego state and them? Is this game helping me achieve what I want? If not, how would I like to change things? Summary if we want to know who we are now and why we are that way, we need to look at what came before. I e our childhoods. Bolby outlined different styles of infant attachment, secure attachment, dismissive, avoidant, and fearful avoidant and showed how each shaped the adults'relationship patterns. We can become aware of and take responsibility for our attachment styles as adults in the present. Working on self esteem and having relationships with people with secure attachment styles are ways we can mitigate our early programming. You can also heal wounds from the past by reparenting, which is consciously choosing to provide yourself as an adult with everything you weren't provided with as a child.

With visualization. Our present day adult goes back to engage with and heal their inner child, become aware conjure up the inner child and dialogue with them, truly listening to what they say, then commit to giving them what they need. It's important to apply the lessons learned in real life, for example, by setting boundaries or embracing healthier habits and routines. Eric Byrne's Transactional Analysis is another way to understand our ingrained and stereotypical relationship patterns. Byrne outlined three ego states we can occupy parent, child and adult. These unconscious patterns shape the games we play, but with conscious awareness, we can shift into a more neutral adult ego state. It's worthwhile asking yourself what role you most often play and what games recur in your life so that you can consciously choose something different. And that's it for today's episode of The Science of Self. I hope you learned something about attachment styles and how they can impact our lives.

If you're interested in learning more, I encourage you to check out the book how to Therapize and Heal Yourself by Nick Trenton. You can get ebooks and all those versions, of course, on Amazon, but you might want to opt for the audiobook. It's available on Audible, itunes and Amazon as well. To learn more about the author, check out Nick Trenton. A few trivial tidbits today to maybe help you out in your conversations and small talk. Today's birthdays include Evander Holyfield, Jillian Jacobs, John Lithgow, John Favreau and Rebecca Ferguson. I'll leave you with a quote from John Lithgow the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.