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Letting Go as Sensitive People
Episode 716th November 2022 • Sensitivity Rising • Tonya Rothe
00:00:00 01:02:24

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Autumn is a good time to think about what we want to start to let go of, and to start to bring some awareness into our daily lives about some of the habits, beliefs, thoughts, that aren't serving us in the ways that they once did.

Amber and Tonya chat about what it's like as sensitive people to tune in with nature and environment and the changes that are going on around us, and how this can help us to start to unlearn and begin letting go.

Journal Prompt/Food for Thought:

We invite you to think about letting go and unlearning in your life.

Try this:

My life can be better if I let go of or unlearned ----------------------- because then I can ---------------------------------------------------------------------.

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Transcripts

Tonya 0:03

Hello friends and welcome to the sensitivity rising podcast. I am one of your hosts Tanya.

Amber 0:12

I'm Amber and today's episode is all about letting go and unlearning.

Tonya 0:17

Awesome. I'm so excited about this. But first, if you're a fan of the show, please click the Listen link in the show notes to subscribe for free on your platform of choice. So now Amber, let's talk about letting go and unlearning. I think this is such an important topic, especially for us as sensitive people.

Amber 0:38

Yes, absolutely. And it's just something that I think, you know, we always talk about learning new things. But we don't very often talk about unlearning things or letting things go quite as much.

Tonya 0:51

Yeah, that's so true. And especially this time of year, Autumn is such a good time to really think about what we want to start to let go of, and also to start to bring some awareness into our daily lives about some of the habits, beliefs, thoughts, that maybe aren't serving us in the ways that they once did. And the things that hold us back from living the life that we really want to live and living the life that we really deserve. And I find that as a highly sensitive people, we can easily what I call time travel. So really living in the past, focusing on regrets or things that didn't go the way that we'd planned or the way that we'd wanted them to. Or a lot of times we can really live in the future worrying about what might happen. And I feel like we can easily start to get stuck in a loop of this worry, fear, regret kind of loop where we really have trouble focusing on the present moment and letting go of some of these attachments that we have to these feelings. So another way Oh, I'm sorry. Amber, please. Yeah,

Amber 2:15

yeah, it was, well, I was gonna say, you know, this time a year, that past and present living that you talked about in the time travel, you know, I think we're all really guilty of at times. But this time of year specifically, always reminds me of that, because, as you know, being in the Northeast here, as the colors change, it's such a short window of when the colors are really vibrant. And they're so beautiful. And they hit me so deeply, that multiple times every autumn, I'll hit this moment where I'll realize I'm not maybe I'm driving it, I'm not as in the present moment, because I'm doing that past or future thing. And I'll see the colors. And I'll remember, oh my gosh, I need to soak this in, I need to be in the moment and soak these in because they're not going to last very long. And it's the same thing, the sound of the leaves on the ground. I also, one of my other favorite things about this time of year is that crunching actually will intentionally step on the dry crispy leaves, yes, fields. And both of those bring me right back to this present moment, which is so important and hard to remember sometimes. And so always in autumn, I'm always remembered of that, like you said that time travel and staying present. Yes,

Tonya 3:24

time travel, that's really the the best way that I can think of it one of my one of my teachers taught that to me, I was like, that's the perfect, that's the perfect description, right time travel, that's what we're doing and we're not even really aware of it. Sometimes we get stuff that we get stuck in that can really keep us from stepping into the light, especially as sensitive people and sensitivity rising is all about helping sensitive people rise up and step into the light and take their place in the world that they deserve. And a lot of times we get stuck in the stories to write of the stories that others have told us about who they think we are, who they think we should be how we fit into their molds that make them comfortable, right. And also the old ghosts that haunt us right so past relationships, past experiences all those kinds of things. Yeah, so like you were saying ever I think that the trees turning and fall or even the if the trees don't really turn you know where you're listening to this the weather still changes you know you can feel that change in the year that we've talked about. I think in our last episode together amor we talked about that feeling that kind of that flip of the switch, outside and all of that Those things can really, the more in tune we are with those things, the more we can start to realize that we're not alone in this idea of letting go, right? We're not alone in this in this process. And the more in tune with nature and environment, things that are going on around us, I think actually, the easier it can be for us to start letting go of different things.

Amber 5:27

Yeah, and I think also the unlearning piece, you know, everything you just said, you know, we get that kind of stuck in the not the present moment, but the past experiences or the future planning, whatever it is, and that is robbing us of the present moment. But we think that we're actually helping ourselves when we're doing these things, because we're either thinking we're protecting ourselves from something or planning for something. And while those things can be important, in some situations, right, we do often get kind of stuck in them, and then we're totally missing this present moment. So that's why I'm really excited that we're talking about letting go and also unlearning kind of together as one topic today.

Tonya 6:14

Yeah. And, you know, also, right, these aren't things that we're typically taught, right? These are things that, I mean, if you're listening to this, or you're watching us on YouTube, you know, if you are taught these things, how amazing for you, right? When I think most of us, we're not taught these things, they're, they're not really concepts that, at least in the West are part of our everyday culture. And so we really have to seek them out. And a lot of times we feel like something is missing in our lives, or something's not something's not right, but we can't put our finger on it. And so a lot of us start to go on this search, right, and we don't know where to look. And so I think that this can be one of those. One of those things where if you feel like something is not quite right, this is one way to maybe start to look at some of that. And, you know, what are what are you not? What are you holding on to that's not serving you?

Amber 7:19

Yeah, that's really well said.

Tonya 7:21

So one of the things we can talk about is letting go of labels and naming things. And this one can kind of get a little bit tricky, I think. And I was thinking of it, in terms of, you know, as the planet shifts, right, because the planet shifts between seasons, we shift with it, we don't have a choice, right, we're just passengers, on, you know, Spaceship Earth. And, you know, so all of these things are happening around us. But the we have been taught to separate ourselves from these things. And so as we get closer to the end of the year, like we were saying, you know, this is really a time to start to let go of things that aren't really needed in our lives. And that's easier said than done, obviously. So even just to start thinking about, like I said, some of those habits and things that we have going on, that we might want to change. And also, you know, we have a lot of stress, right, and anxiety that we can take on when it comes to things that we don't really have any control over. And for me, a lot of this comes down to the naming part of things, were seeing things as you know, right or wrong, or likes and dislikes. And what it comes down to I think is really we we see things as we are and not as they are in reality. And I think a lot of this has to do with with naming. The more we try to control these things, the more unhappiness that can really bring us and the more we try to have others agree with us, you know, by can by trying to control the things that they say or do in whatever way even if it's in our own mind, not in reality, the more we can suffer from that. What do you think?

Amber 9:38

Yeah, no, I'm with you. You were talking about like the good and the bad labeling. We do this so often. And sometimes not unconsciously, because when we label things they tend to have those words tend to have a connotation related to them. That is good or bad, right. And so that can change so much and I think ties into what you were saying about out the time travel, because when we label things a certain way, we're either going back and looking at past experiences, maybe trying to avoid something that was painful, or, and maybe it's an ad for trying to protect ourselves from that thing in the past happening again, right? So we're using labels, and we're protecting predicting by using the labels, we're predicting how the world around us is going to respond to whatever. And this is all kind of unconsciously under the surface. But we're just setting ourselves up for all of this past and future stuff and not staying present, and not really being in touch with what is truly the reality right now. Because those labels are, you know, they have a connotation to them. And also, you know, we don't necessarily know what everybody else's journey is, and everything is always changing. So, you know, you can't really predict I think that's been one of something I realized in relationships a lot in the past, right is when people have some sort of conflict or way that they're being whether friendships, or relationships or whatever, people start predicting how the other person is going to respond. Even if there's been a conversation around Oh, no, actually, we're going to do it this way. I know that when I do this that bothers you. And when you do this bothers me, we're going to try this approach instead, right? But it seems like most of the time, both people move forward as if they have changed, but the other person's still gonna respond the old way. And I think that comes right down to the labeling, and kind of how we get into that trap of future and past. Does that resonate with you? Yeah, for

Tonya:

sure. And I think a lot of it just with labeling itself, right, and the way that you were describing it, and it makes me think of, it's really just our human instinct, right? It's our human nature to label things in our past, right. So as something that was dangerous, or a threat to us, right, so then we're our system is heightened to kind of look for those things, right, because it's a survival mechanism.

Amber:

Yeah, and I think this is, the place where it gets really tricky is because I know for, like, in my own journey, there were certain things that I needed to have labeled to make sense of things that had happened to me in my past. And that was critical for my healing to understand what those things were. Right, but at a certain point, it doesn't help me anymore to label those things. And as I progress on my journey, I try more and more to not label things from the start at all. Because we can get really stuck there. When you start labeling, things like that, it goes back to that relationship dynamic that I was talking about. Or just anything in general, oh, this is this type of person, or that's that type of person. This is that type of place, I don't want to go there. Because that's only people that are like this go there. Maybe it's actually a really fun place that I just don't have the open mind to check it out. So I'm labeling it before, maybe I know, or it's keeping me stuck in some way. Just to kind of speak in some generalities. And example, just have you had experiences with that, too.

Tonya:

I can't, I have, of course, I have. Um, you know, and probably the same as you I don't really, I struggle with that much less than I used to, and I think a lot of that really just comes from just comes from life experience, and, you know, trying to be as open as you can, but a lot of that really just comes with time. For sure. It just comes in error healing.

Amber:

Because I do think I do think the labels can be really important. I don't want to tell people, I don't want to send the message that labels are always bad, you know, goes back to label the labels. Because I do think that sometimes those labels are really important for us to find what we need to heal from and move on from certain experiences. But once we get past that point, then learning to let go of them and not seek them out allows us to be much more present and be more open to experiences and people and and stuff that can really enrich our lives. But it's tricky. It's like a really fine line. There

Tonya:

it is. It is and you know, there's that Brene Brown quote where she says authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be, and embracing who we are. Hmm. So, you know, Brene she's got she's got a quote for every situation I

Amber:

know. You spoke at once.

Tonya:

So another thing that kind of goes along with that, I think is letting go of comparing. So this is something that I mean We all do it, we all do it to some degree, right? We just, oh, it's human nature. We just can't help ourselves. And you know, as many as many memes as we see, or, you know, quotes on social media that, you know, say just like, Oh, of course, you know, you're unique and blah, blah, blah, you know, it's easier said than done, like all of these things that we're talking about. But sometimes I feel like it's for me anyway, is sometimes it's easier to embrace some things first, before you let go. So you know, embracing my, what I call like quirkiness, embracing our faults, embracing every our sensitivity, right, I mean, hello. And everything that makes you you write everything that makes me me, everything that makes Amber Amber. And I feel like the more we embrace those parts of ourselves that maybe we're more critical of, or we're taught to be more critical of that, it starts to get easier to let go of comparing myself to, you know, my coworker who never seems to get upset, when things go wrong, or whatever it is, or my partner who never gets upset when, you know, the dishwasher breaks, and I, you know, have a nervous breakdown, because how are we going to do the dishes or something like, you know, just made up superficial like that. You know, and as human beings, especially as sensitive human beings, I feel like, we can really seek that validation from the outside, right, instead of the inside. And also, you know, as humans, we want that sense of community, we want that sense of acceptance. And so it really takes time and practice, and self compassion, all of these things to remind ourselves that we're not only learning more every day, but also unlearning, right? Running our own path.

Amber:

Yeah, and the comparing that you're talking about to brings me back to the labeling, right? You mentioned, needing to kind of embrace the new thing before letting go. So like when it comes to comparing, you know, same thing with labeling, when I learned about high sensitivity, I needed that label, because it's a it's a label and a comparison. And that, right, because I'm comparing myself to the world around me. But I needed that context to understand that all of these other things that are taught to us about how we should you know, get into the shoots and stuff, how we should be, or this is how most people do something, or which is still comparing, right, but has felt a disconnect to us. Those labels and comparing in that way, gave me gave me so much context to build my own foundation in who I am and what I need. And then, you know, letting go of the label. So I'm not stuck with, well, the world has to pander to me, because I'm highly sensitive, and I need more downtime, right? Because that's not not true, either. Right? So understanding the differences without getting stuck in the label, or stuck in the comparison of, you know, like you're saying somebody else can handle it this way. And I can't, you know, but I think also those differences tend to the part that we miss when we're doing that comparison is yes, maybe I get really upset and my coworker doesn't. But the thing that's causing me to get upset, there's another side to that, that is probably a huge gift that I have, that that co worker probably doesn't have, right? But that gets missed in in that moment. So instead of comparing, just seeing our traits for what they are, and both sides, the shadow and the light of those and that awareness, but I do think we often do need the label and the comparison to start and then we just have to have the awareness to not get stuck in it and not take it too far.

Tonya:

No, I totally I totally agree. And I'm the same way. You know, I had the same probably a similar experience to you. When I found out I was highly sensitive. It was like, oh, there's a there's a label for it, right? Oh, there's this. There's this thing. There's nothing, you know, quote wrong with me. It's Yes, you know, and so I feel like there's that sense of relief, that sense of community that you get with that label, but also you're 100% right, it's like okay, so when do I start to you know, like Like you were saying, you know, there's I think there's a fine line between, you know, when we need to start to let go of it, to see it as part of ourselves instead of our whole identity.

Amber:

Right? And also with the, with the labeling of it. And, you know, I mean, you need the comparison just for the juxtaposition of seeing the differences. But the label also helps open us up to resources, because if I didn't have a word for it, how would I find other people who might understand my experiences or learn, right, so we need it to a point. And then also, it's a very slippery slope, where we can just get really attached to it in an unhealthy way that holds us back from really living, which is the point of the label in the first place, is for growth and expansion. But very quickly, that thing can become the opposite.

Tonya:

Yeah, I think slippery slope is the is the perfect descriptor for that for sure. Yeah, because we see that a lot, right. I mean, I don't know if you see it in your work as well. But I see it in mind to where, you know, it's like, and I, it's hard, because, you know, you've been sensitive your whole life. And you've been a lot of people, most of us have been criticized for it, and all these other things. And it's like, finally, you have this, this thing that you can this title, this label that you can embrace, and it can be really hard to not immerse yourself in it.

Amber:

Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, the work that I do with with clients around parts work. And this is a big part of that, right is if we over identify with just the term highly sensitive, we might be actually shutting down other parts of ourselves. So something for me that's that I have found to be true is that I'm a highly sensitive person, but I'm also hide sensation seeking. So the sound opposite and Elaine Aaron's work covers that you can be both, you can be either highly sensitive, or not highly sensitive, or you can be high sensation seeking or not. And for me, you know, and I figured this out, because when I was so focused on the label of HSP, I, sometimes I would even question if that was true, because I had these other parts of myself that wanted the adventure wanted the novelty needed adrenaline at times, you know, and then other times, I didn't, and if I go too much to one or too much to the other, I'm equally miserable. So I have to find the balance between the two. And it's much easier for me to find the balance when I'm not holding on to those labels, and I'm just living presently, instead of, you know, clinging to those. So that's been a place where I've seen that apply in my life.

Tonya:

Yeah, for sure. And we're not just this one thing, right, it's just part of our identity. And we all have other things to offer. And I guess my main thing is that, you know, I feel like, my sensitivity held me back from so many things for so long. And, you know, part of the work that I do is I, you know, through through practicing yoga, and all of these different, you know, nutrition and things that I work with people with, is giving them that really that solid foundation in their sensitivity. So then they can go out and do these other things, and share what they know and how they see the world through their sensitivity, which is such a an important perspective that we need now, more than ever.

Amber:

Yeah, as you were saying that it was really hitting me how if we all as sensitive people cling to what it means to be HSP, and what it means to be around other people how that affects us. If we all stayed with that, we would all never leave our house, I know 20 to 30% of the population is voice would not be heard. And the way we process things is so different, that it's a really important voice that needs to be heard. And it's not that it's better than it's just different, because it's because we take in information from different places, compared to people who aren't highly sensitive. And so it's a very out of the out of the box, maybe I don't know that that's quite the right term, because that has a different connotation to it, though what I mean here, but there's such an important aspect of that, that is silenced if we all claim to be an HSP and then therefore don't participate in in our society because it's too much for us. Yes. You know, that gets lost and that's so sad that, you know, a huge percentage of the population would be just unheard.

Tonya:

And it's like I said, I mean, I'm all about, that's why we're here, right? Because we want to empower sensitive people to use their voices. And that's what all of this is about. Another thing that we can think about maybe letting go of is controlling the outcomes of things and kind of touched on this, but even if it's not, like physically in the external world, controlling outcomes, you know, even in our own mind, and our own thoughts, I find, you know, this could be an issue. You know, like, very superficially, you know, if you've, if you've planned this outing for months now, and the day is finally here, and you know, the weather is not cooperating or something, you know, it is what it is. But we can ruminate on that, and really kind of get stuck in the negative mindset, right, because in our mind, everything was gonna go fine. But we can't control the outcome, right? There's things are out of our control, life is always changing, everything is fluid. But I find that the more grounded I am, in my daily life, and the things that are, you know, really important. And with a lot of practice, daily practice, meditation, all of those things. And I'm no guru on the mountaintop by any means. You know, I have struggles like everybody else does. But I find that you know, the more grounded I am in my daily life, the better equipped I am to handle those twists and turns when they do show up. Because they're going to show up, eventually, no matter how much we try to avoid them, they're going to show up, and there are some of them are going to be severe. And you know, how are we going to handle those things when they come up for us. And just learning that, you know, through time and through practice, whatever that practice means for you, that we have all the things we have all the things within us. We have courage when we really need it. You know, we have love within us when we really need it. We just have to find more ways to connect with them.

Amber:

And staying in that present moment. Yeah, always Yeah, is always a always an attachment to the outcome, yanks us from the present moment so fast, you know, because now we're trying to figure out how to make that outcome happen. You're seeing it? Right. And I don't know anybody who's ever tried to, like if you're attached to an outcome of having a fun, happy day, and you're really attached to that, was that actually a fun happy day? Because the days that blow up in my face? I don't know about you, but for sure. That's like, always the recipe for disaster for

Tonya:

me having a lot of expectations. Yes.

Amber:

Yes, that's a good one. That's a good way to put it.

Tonya:

This is the best vacation ever finding this for two years, and then you know,

Amber:

yes, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's nothing

Tonya:

goes right, if you're lucky enough to have a vacation.

Amber:

You know, so for me, when when we talk about controlling outcomes, there's kind of two pieces to this, that I think, when I think about this, and one is letting go of the attachment to the outcome itself, right, that, which is what we were just talking about, the focus on, this is the thing that has to be, or it has to be this way, whatever that is, but then there's also letting go of the behavior for that desired outcome. And the reason why I separate the two is because you can very easily trick yourself into saying, Well, I'm pretty go with the flow, I'm not attached to the outcome, but secretly, like unconsciously, you're still like behaving in the way to get the thing, right to have the outcome you want. Even though you also know well, if it doesn't happen, I'll go with the flow and it's okay. So, even though they sound like you know, if you do one or the other 162 I think there is a separateness to it, I try to be conscious of both. So for example, like something that I see a lot working with clients is attachments to, to people, you know, having somebody in their life that they don't want to lose, they're really afraid of losing this person. And I'm guilty of this in the past too. This was a really hard lesson for me to learn me as well. And, you know, it's, you end up what happens is you end up going overboard, trying to keep this person happy, which we can't, we're all responsible for our own happiness, we can't make somebody be happy or make somebody feel anything. But then we start going out of our way to be what they want, do what they want anything to keep them pleased, so they don't leave us. And then what happens in that process is we totally lose ourselves, we become probably boring to them, because nobody wants somebody who's just like, agreeing with them, every time, whatever, whatever you want, yeah, I don't care, we'll do what you want to do, we'll leave what you want to do, I don't care, I don't have a preference. Like that becomes really boring for the other person. And then it also can become if we're doing too much for them can feel really engulfing to them. So a lot of these are very codependent behaviors, which a lot of my clients have experienced. And it's letting go of those. So changing those behaviors, so we're not losing ourselves. And what ends up happening when we do that, not only do we lose ourselves, but the other person ends up leaving. So we're doing these things for the intended outcome of holding on to this person, when what we really need to be doing is giving them space, sometimes, you know, and this maybe even disagreeing with that maybe we have viewpoints that are different. But that could lead to a really engaging conversation that actually creates more attraction, right, or for a deeper friendship, or whatever it is. And so it's counterintuitive to us sometimes to do the opposite of what we think we need to do to have that outcome. So one is letting go of the outcome that this person may lead, or they may stay, it is what it is, you know, and simultaneously letting go of the behaviors to get that outcome. That's been a huge part of work that I've done with others and in my own life. And that controlling outcomes, it just really, it brings us down a lot, so much energy that we don't realize, once you start making that shift, the amount of you start to realize how much energy you've wasted doing that. It's exhausting. So it really gives back to everybody when we can let go of those out controlling those outcomes. Yeah, and

Tonya:

I know, I totally understand what you're talking about, when you're talking about the energy. I have definitely been there in the past, holding, trying to hold on to a situation, a person a relationship, out of fear, out of fear, you know, what is my life going to look like without them? For a lot of people, for me back in the day, it was a tat a lot of it was attachment because of finances, which I know is something that a lot of people go through. A lot of women especially can go through can be caught in situations like that. So yeah, so I totally get I totally understand everything you're saying is really resonating with me.

Amber:

And I? Oh, no, go ahead. Sorry.

Tonya:

I was just gonna say and I also feel like though, on another level that even though we're trying really hard to hold on to this person, or the situation that if we can really, if we can really stop to connect with ourselves and really, really think about it, process it and not just think about it, you know? With our mind, we're thinking about it with our heart process and emotionally. How happy? Are we really taking ourselves so far away from our authentic self? Mm hmm. That right? So the more we do this, the more we change ourselves to become something we think someone else might want us to be in order for them, you know, not to leave that we're talking about just a specific example. How, how happy are we really, if this is not our authentic self?

Amber:

Exactly. Oh, that's such a huge point. Because you do you become really detached from yourself. And that's when I think more comparing comes in because now we don't feel like we're worthy as ourselves. So it really snowballs fast. The other thing I want to point out related to this, too is, you know, our, it's really important to use our rational thinking brain in general, but also sometimes what's going on with our brain is actually it doesn't always help us. And usually this is more unconscious stuff, but letting go of things like these outcomes that we're seeking. There's a huge brain component to that and there's a resistance in there that's really natural for us. And it's just that our brains are wired fundamentally, to be for anything else to protect us. It's that survival. Will, you know, and so when we've had past experiences that maybe were traumatic in some way, or that have given us messages that it's not emotionally safe to be who we truly are, in some way, our brain is going to naturally say, oh, that's dangerous. And it doesn't know the difference between something that's actually going to take our lives, like when we used to live on the land in the woods. Yeah, versus something that's an emotional threat to us. And so that's part of what triggers this trying to control the outcome is that our brain is just trying to protect us. So you mentioned self compassion earlier today, you know, that's a big piece of it is recognizing that our brain is trying to protect us. So when we are doing these things, if we can recognize that and be like, oh, yeah, thank you. That's not serving me anymore. Actually, this is what I want to do. And that's when we can really initiate change, and letting go of these things. So I just wanted to mention that for anybody who's maybe beating themselves up for not being able or struggling with letting go of certain things is that that's a very natural part of the process. And our brains are wired to protect us.

Tonya:

Yep, they sure are. They sure they don't know the difference between, you know, a tiger. And, yeah, something like you were just describing for sure, yeah. Something else that I was thinking of, as letting go of the should have would have cut ups. And, you know, we've talked before I think about not shooting all over ourselves. Um, and knowing that, you know, just tying in with everything we've been talking about, you know, thinking and wishing about how we want things to be how, you know, for example, if you've had a traumatic childhood, like myself, you know, wishing that I had grown up with different parents, or wishing, you know, I might be X, Y, and Z. Now, if my mother had only done this, right, you know, that kind of mindset, and really trying to, without, at all, discounting anyone's trauma, including my own, you know, there gets to a point where it's, it's not constructive anymore, it's more destructive. I feel like in my own experience, yeah, I think, yeah, it's wasting, like you were saying, ever, it's wasting, it's what it's wasting our precious energy, our precious, short, fleeting time on this planet. And a lot of times, it can keep us from doing the things that we want to do in the world from fulfilling our true purpose and things like that.

Amber:

Yeah, and, you know, I think it's just like, with everything, there's that balance. Because, you know, also having had a traumatic childhood experience, you know, experiences. Those should, should have, could have would have, they can really catch up with us in those situations when we're processing things. And part of what can be really hard is, our society doesn't recognize the grief that's actually there in that. So I think when we identify those, sometimes we do need a little space for the grief that exists that yeah, maybe I could have done this thing. Or maybe I would have done that, or I should have done this instead, you know, those things can really come up for us. And it's okay to take the time to grieve those because those are, you know, often our society thing our culture thinks of grief as loss of a person. But it can also be loss of a vision that we had, or a dream that we had or hope or an idea. Yeah. And so, you know, and we could, at some point, probably do a whole episode on on grief or a few even it's a very complex topic, but sometimes taking a moment to honor that grief can really then help us let go, as long as you're not getting mired in it, and really stuck in it. For me, I definitely had to process that grief of man, if these things didn't happen to me. I could be here. And then I also have to remember well, maybe, but maybe not, you know, who knows what else would have happened? And then the acceptance of well, this is my journey, and all of these things that happened, brought me to where I am right now and who I am now, and I love who I am now, and if I erased any of those, I wouldn't be this person. So it's brought me into an acceptance of that but the grief I think is something that we don't usually acknowledge in that. That I think is important, because if we don't get it's, it's hard to let go of these could have shadows would have if we don't take a moment to honor. That part. That is sad there. Right? That makes sense.

Tonya:

It makes total sense. And I love that you that you brought that up. And for me, I think it really part of that kind of moving through that grief. And it's an ongoing process, right? Because I never know, what might come up for me in a certain situation, something might trigger me or whatever. But something else that I've learned is that I don't need anyone else to validate that, that grief that you're talking about all of those things, when it does come up for me, you know, it's like, well, maybe I tell my husband, and he doesn't understand because, you know, he is his childhood wasn't like mine or something like that. And and now I know that it's okay, is doesn't have to be the same experience as mine, I validate it for myself.

Amber:

Right? Yeah. And I think that goes right back to the outcomes, right, controlling outcomes is when we're really solid and who we are in that way. We don't have the need to control the outcome anymore. And if somebody if we do something, and somebody responds in another way, well, that's a reflection of them, not me. I don't have to control their reaction. I don't need a specific reaction from them. I'm being true to myself. And, you know, being clear on that.

Tonya:

Yep. And all this comes from a long bumpy road. Lots of trial and error. Is not just yeah, you know, we didn't didn't wake up one morning and decide it was going to be like this. No.

Amber:

Oh, I wish it was that easy, right. And one thing that, you know, I, I'm always amazed at, you know, when we started, when we talked about doing this as a topic for today, and we had, you know, a few key points that we wanted to discuss. It's always interesting to me that they seem very separate, right, when we first start laying it out. And then as we get having this conversation, it's like, no, it's actually all connected all these things, even though they're different things that we're letting go of, they're actually all

Tonya:

Yep, for sure.

Amber:

Yeah, and so something else with this, too, is just that, you know, we're all just on this different journey that you mean, you were talking about, you know, it's not like we just woke up one day, and we're. So it's I actually right before we sat down to do this, I was looking at the window and realize I have this tree out back here. And so for those people who are watching us on YouTube, I don't know if you can see Yeah, well, yeah, I can see it. Yeah. So there's this green tree. So I have this oak tree that's still as green as green can be. And then I have other trees there, every other color leaves are all over my ground. But this tree is still green, even though all these trees have had the same weather changes all the same conditions. And so they're all changing, they're all going to let go of their leaves at some point before winter. But they're not all on the same timeline. And I think that's just a really beautiful metaphor for our journeys as humans, that we're all changing. We're all on a journey. Even if we're exposed to the same things, we're going to be doing it at different rates. And so also goes back to comparing right

Tonya:

100% Yes.

Amber:

Right. So yeah, and for autumn, like being an autumn, anybody who's listening who might be familiar with for shields, the model through school of loss borders for that model, because there's a bunch of different models, and I referenced different ones, depending on the work that I'm doing. But their model, Autumn is the West, which is grief, right, which is what we were just talking about. And it also lines up with adolescence, which is a time when we sort through all of the messages we've received. And we start to look at things and say, Oh, this is me. Nope, this one isn't me. And in adolescence, you get to that angsty place. So the rebellion, and it's because you're coming into who you are, and you're trying to let go, you know, maybe your parents are saying, you're this way, or you should be doing this. And it's like, no, I don't want to do that, you know, it's that kind of rebellion. And so it lines up perfectly with this time a year and the stuff we're talking about. So I wanted to kind of bring that into this conversation as well that it's so applicable to this time a year and letting go and unlearning and goes back to our topic in here mixed in the mixed in here. The authentic self, right?

Tonya:

Yeah, no, I love that. And now I feel like it's okay. If I'm feeling a little bit feisty because they are feeling a little bit feisty, I'm not gonna lie that's awesome. And, you know, a little bit feisty about, um, you know, I mean, I can share a couple of the things like personally for me, that kind of go along with that of letting go of have some attachments to things and really unlearning right? I'm getting kind of feisty around, I'm not making myself smaller, to make other people feel more comfortable. I'm starting to realize on my own healing journey that this was a, and I already knew it. But I didn't know the extent of it, that this was like, basically, the main theme of my childhood, right, is making myself smaller to not, you know, annoy people or upset, you know, all of these adults who didn't know what the hell they were doing. But you know, and so making myself shrinking myself down, to not draw attention to myself. And so that's something that I'm that I'm really trying to unlearn. And that goes along with something else, which is sacrificing or silencing my voice. And that's why this podcast is so important to me, personally, as well as reaching out and hopefully, you know, trying to lift up and empower other sensitives as well. But it's really important to me at this stage of my journey to start using my voice, because I didn't for so long, and I was silenced for four decades. First, I was silenced by family. And then I was silencing myself because I didn't know how not to do it. And then another thing that's kind of a part of that as well as distracting myself, whether it's through I don't know, whatever it is, like sitting down to watch a movie when I really want to be you know, working on a project that's important to me or something like that, just distracting myself from, from feeling and from really immersing myself and things that are important to me. Instead of processing all of my feelings, emotions, and really working through them to figure out why I feel the need to distract myself from from progressing from making that progress. Does that make sense?

Amber:

It does. And I've been there, I've you know, and it's an ongoing process of knowing these things and learning these things. And noticing, right, and then later, it's like you're learning the same lesson again, of all things said, but at a deeper way. And so I've gone through several iterations of Exactly, yeah, talking about

Tonya:

like, Oh, I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna work on this. I have it all written down on my calendar, and then all of a sudden, I see you know, that, that shelf that bookshelf over there, that just really needs to be dusted. So I better just that first.

Amber:

My house is never cleaner than when there's something I don't want to do. That's not related to cleaning.

Tonya:

Yes. Okay. You got you. You get it. Oh, I feel better now. Yeah,

Amber:

yeah. So for me, you know, a big thing that I'm letting go of, and I guess it goes back to the labels even though I wasn't really thinking of it. From that place is, you know, letting go of preconceived ideas. And that could be about anything, it could be things it could be people it could be places it could be myself and so I've really been following a lot of ROM das his teachings over the last probably three to six months. And I know his work is just

Tonya:

it's beyond

Amber:

I'm sad that he's not with us in physical form anymore. But of course he his teachings would say not to be a work in progress here. But letting go of those preconceived things, because even myself because I've done so much work, right of, you know, noticing the labor, finding the label, learning about myself and then letting go of the label and, and really letting go of all of that and just accepting like the trees, right that the only thing that's really consistent is that everything is always changing. And so like nature's always changing, I'm always changing, the people around me are changing. And so to To just be more, I guess, it's just also comes back to more presence like being in that present moment. And acceptance of things are the way they are. And I think the reason why I'm at this stage at this point is because I've done so much work on accepting myself and accepting and trusting. I think trusting, that's the word, trusting myself that, like you were saying, If anything happens, I don't need the external world to be any specific way. Right, I trust myself that I can figure it out when I need to, and come from that place. So really letting go of all those preconceived ideas of people, things. And it's hard because it gets very, like up in your head kind of, you know, yeah, versus actual practicing it, because it's definitely harder than said than that. Easier said than done. But that's been really huge for me, and I'm finding so much more peace, when I'm able to do that course, like you were saying earlier, I'm not perfect at this. And, and it's hard, because sometimes things will happen, right? And we also get attached to emotion sometimes, like, sometimes things happen. And it's like, no, I want to be mad about that. I yeah, I should be mad about it. I'm, you know, and I get anchored in that, right. And it's like, why, you know, what, I can step outside of it, and let go of that I'm so much happier, I waste so much less energy, you know, just my energy scores are higher, I feel better. But sometimes we, you know, that's the human side. And so, you know, allowing that, but also not getting stuck in it. So really just releasing all of that letting those things go. Especially from that place in my mind that's got these preconceived ideas or labels, even if it's based on truth in the past, right, just that acceptance of people change, things change. And I just feel my world expanding so much more doing that. I'm definitely not perfect at it. And I still have my pitfalls. And, you know, then when you remind yourself when you're stuck in that trap, it's like, Ah, crap, here I am again. It's okay.

Tonya:

Life is cyclical, right? I mean, everything. It's a spiral. It's not linear. We always, as soon as we get to the end, we come right back to the beginning.

Amber:

Right. And, you know, it's, and we see that in nature, we see that things but, and then I also find if I can bring a little humor to it. You know, I'll often tell people, there's my human side coming out again, because we're not, we're in human form, we're gonna have things that maybe we wish we did differently, right, goes back to this. And then just letting go of them, the sooner we can let go of them. The sooner we return to peace,

Tonya:

yep. Self Compassion, something else that we're not typically taught?

Amber:

Yeah, yeah, we're not taught so many things. To us, it's really unfortunate. Yeah.

Tonya:

So now and just that, it's a never ending list.

Amber:

It is. And really, you know, it just all of this just comes down, I think, to letting go of attachment to anything, which goes back to those Buddhist principles of that suffering comes from, you know, those attachments that we have, and letting go of the attachments. We're not creating suffering for ourselves. And that's kind of what I was getting at there with, with my example. I'm curious what you might have.

Tonya:

Yeah, no. And, you know, I just think that it's important to say that, like, letting go of attachments, doesn't mean that we don't care about things, or we care about people in our lives. And we we don't care about, you know, what's going on in the world. It's just seeing it from an observers point of view, versus putting ourselves in the story, I feel like is how I, that's how I interpret it for myself.

Amber:

And that's what you just jogged my memory of part of the point that I was trying to make, but I ended up kind of going somewhere else within unexpectedly, is, you know, related to rom Das, his teachings, one of the things he says is how there's always these paradoxes in in our world that I love, I love paradox. It's just a fun concept to play with. But he talks about how kind of the first step is identifying who we are, and really getting clear on who we are. But then as soon as we figure out and get clarity on who we are, our next goal is to actually let go of who we think we are. So it is an important step in the healing process and the human evolution of our journey. But then at a certain point, we have to let go All of who we think we are, because we're changing. And something you just said, reminded me of that. And that that's kind of where I was headed with with the point before. Because it is just part of our journey and part of that letting go. But there's that paradox, right of great. I just figured out who I am now, I'm supposed to let go of that. But the letting go of it, is allowing us to not suffer as much. Because if I cling to this as who I am, now, I'm going to be clinging to that, and something's gonna come along, that's not going to fit this. Yeah, if it does, I can do it. It's going to be suffering. I can let go of it. I can stay present and just feel better and happier.

Tonya:

Yes, it is a complicated, lifelong process. It is lots of stops and starts. And I think that's really probably the main takeaway that I'd like people to come away with from this episode, is it? It's not, it's not an easy process. It's, it's okay to feel lost, it's okay to feel frustrated, right? Because we all feel that way. I think the most important part is just developing that awareness through practice and trial and error, really. And, you know, that's individual to everyone. It's not going to be you know, Amber's journey is not mine, mine is not hers. And so we're all going to, you know, be different in the way that we, that we walk this path of letting go and unlearning if we if we choose that, that if we choose that path, we feel like it's like it's one that we want to walk.

Amber:

Yeah. And it's also it's a different order for everybody to there's no one way. So it depends on what your journey is then and your unique way of processing or interests or experiences, that will we all end up kind of going to the same place in the end. But the order in which we pull pieces out is different. And really, for me, I think the big, kind of the big thing that I want people to take away is, you know, that purchase that first level of the awareness. Because once we have the awareness of oh, this is, this isn't working for me, oh, I'm doing this thing, because we've covered so many different topics on different different pieces of letting go. And if I had heard most of these at the beginning of my journey, it wouldn't resonate the way it does now, right. But I can't say which one for each person. Yeah, everybody's is going to be different. So and then to also just the acceptance of if grief, you have to have a little grief to move to the next step. You know, the acceptance around that. And that grief that processing that grief is also a form of letting go. And so there's, there's so much to it. Like you were saying?

Tonya:

Yep, so, for anyone who's listening or watching Amber and I, we'd like to invite you to think about what you might want to start letting go and unlearning in your own life. We'd like to offer just a simple font or maybe you can use it as a journal exercise. With you know, just thinking in terms of my life can be better if I let go of or learned blank, because then I can blank. My life can be better if I let go of or unlearned. Whatever it may be, that comes to your mind this why journaling is can be so helpful. And if you let go of that thing, or if you start to unlearn it, what then can you make space for in your life, because we only have so much space in our lives. And we carry all these things with us. And so the more we can learn to let go of these other things, we can start to invite these other things into our lives that can really help us on our journey to wherever we want to go.

Amber:

Yeah, I love that journal prompt and because it just really carries you from the first thought into more of a why more of a meaning behind it. And I'll just like Add to add to it a little bit. I know sometimes if I sit down to do a journal entry, sometimes I'm so focused on I'm going to journal this thing that I get a block. So just if anybody is trying to do this and they hit that that block, similar to how I do sometimes what I do is I take it outside. And so I might go sit on my front steps or go sit next to a tree or in a park, or even go for a walk in nature and do it after being outside for five or 10 minutes. And sometimes it just clicks a lot quicker for me. So if you're somebody who struggles with that, maybe that's a little trick to

Tonya:

know, I love that. I think I'm gonna do that actually. I love that idea. Thank you. And I'll put we'll put the the journal prompt in the in the show notes for both YouTube and for for the podcast on the website. So we are so grateful, as always, that you've chosen to spend this time with us. And we're and I love talking about these things. And we love sharing all of our experiences with you. And you can follow us on Instagram On Facebook for all of the latest things. And you can subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, you can subscribe to the YouTube channel. So you don't miss any of our videos that go along with a podcast. So we can wave to you and say hi. And yeah, so when you subscribe, you won't miss any of the good stuff. And we'll see you next time. Bye everybody.

Amber:

Take care. See you next time.

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