What do you do when the relationship you're desperately trying to save is with the very people who hurt you in the first place?

Maybe you've tried communicating differently. You've forgiven. You've set boundaries. You've gone to therapy. You've given another chance—and then another.

But nothing really changes.

And when you finally consider stepping back, limiting contact, or even going no contact with a parent, the guilt begins:

Am I a bad daughter? Am I a bad son? What if I regret this? They're still my parents...shouldn't I keep trying?

In this powerful episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with psychotherapist and author Dr. Sharon Martin, who has more than 25 years of experience helping adult children navigate dysfunctional family relationships. Sharon is the author of Cutting Ties with Your Parents and The Better Boundaries Workbook.

And I want to make something clear: this conversation isn't about telling you to cut off your parents.

It's about recognizing what you can control—and what you can't.

Sharon explains why family estrangement is rarely as simple as people make it sound. For many adult children, there's a gray area: periods of low contact, reconnecting, trying again, pulling back, or taking space while figuring out what they actually need.

We also explore why it can be so incredibly difficult to let go of the hope that someday your parent will finally see you, understand you, accept you, or give you the love and approval you've spent a lifetime wanting.

Even in adulthood, that longing can remain incredibly powerful. And when we didn't receive those things from our parents, we may find ourselves continuing to seek them—not only from our family, but in other relationships as well.

Dr. Martin and I talk about boundaries, guilt, shame, family roles, emotional abuse, gaslighting, people-pleasing, self-trust, grief, and the complicated decision to create distance from a dysfunctional parent.

One of the most important parts of this conversation is understanding what happens when you finally stop asking:

“How do I change them?”

and begin asking:

“What can I control?”

Sometimes creating space gives you an opportunity to stop managing the crisis in front of you long enough to begin healing what has accumulated behind you. Sharon describes that healing as accepting what is, grieving what you needed but didn't receive, developing boundaries and emotional regulation skills, practicing self-compassion, and even learning how to re-parent yourself.

We also talk about something that is especially close to my heart:

Who are you when you stop being who your family needed you to be?

For many adult children, years of people-pleasing and shape-shifting can make it difficult to even know who they are. Sharon explains that healing can create space to explore your own identity, values, wants, and parts of yourself that may never have felt safe to express.

And no matter what you ultimately decide about your relationship with your family, Sharon leaves us with an important reminder:

Be gentle with yourself.

These are difficult decisions that often come after years of difficult experiences. You don't have to have everything figured out today.

💜 CONNECT WITH DR. SHARON MARTIN

Learn more about Sharon, her books, free resources, and her work:

Website: Live Well with Sharon Martin

Facebook: Dr. Sharon Martin on Facebook

Instagram: Dr. Sharon Martin on Instagram

YouTube: Sharon Martin on YouTube

Her book Cutting Ties with Your Parents is available wherever books are sold.

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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

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hello, everybody.

2

Welcome back to another episode

of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

3

Today, I wanna actually start with a

question before we even get started,

4

because this is a topic that I have

… Oh, my goodness, it's one that comes up

5

with me and my clients, and just so many

people in the world of adult children of

6

dysfunctional families all of the time.

7

And the question is, what if the

relationship you're trying so desperately

8

to salvage is with the very people

that hurt you in the beginning?

9

What do you do?

10

So I have people all the time say to

me, "Maybe if I could just communicate

11

more," or, "Maybe if I was more

forceful," or, "Maybe if I was more

12

forgiving," or, "Maybe if I had

more boundaries," or whatever it is.

13

Maybe if I try just one more time,

we can finally have that relationship

14

that we wanted all the time.

15

But then nothing really changes, right?

16

Sometimes it just doesn't.

17

That's the way it is.

18

And then you start thinking about pulling

back, limiting contact, going no contact

19

sometimes even, and then what happens?

20

The guilt kicks in, and

you start wondering, "Am I

21

a bad son, a bad daughter?

22

What if I regret this?

23

Can w- are they still even my parents?"

24

Like, all these questions

run through your mouth.

25

Today … Run through your mouth.

26

Run through your mind.

27

Today that is what we are

actually talking about today.

28

Today my guest is Dr.

29

Sharon Martin.

30

She is a licensed psych-

psychotherapist and author, and with

31

more than 25 years of experience.

32

She wrote Cutting Ties With Your Parents

and The Better Boundaries Workbook, and

33

she has spent years working with adult

children who are struggling with the exact

34

question- And what I really kinda like

about this, I write- reading your bio,

35

Sharon, doctor s- do you wanna go by Dr.

36

Sharon, Dr.-

37

Sharon is fine.

38

Okay.

39

But what I really like about this is

that you have a different approach.

40

So it's not about telling everybody to

just cut 'em off and move on with their

41

lives, it's about recognizing that we can

spend years, honestly, trying to change

42

our parents, or we can actually flip the

script a little and start controlling

43

the things that we can actually control.

44

And so I'm very excited

to have this conversation.

45

So welcome.

46

Thank you.

47

Thank you.

48

I'm super passionate about this topic

as well, so I'm really happy to be

49

here, so thank you for having me on.

50

And yeah, I'm looking forward

to us getting into it here.

51

Yeah, it is, because it's one of

the questions people always ask.

52

I heard it my whole life.

53

Even when from starting as a teenager,

people would say to me, I- 'cause

54

I would say things like, "I can't

wait to get out of this house.

55

I will probably never

speak to my mother again."

56

And I wasn't kidding.

57

And I had to go with that,

"Oh, she's your mother.

58

She didn't m- mean to.

59

She blah, blah, blah."

60

And I was like, "Oh, my goodness."

61

And so it became a topic that we talked

about a lot and s- like I said all of

62

my clients talk about it or question it.

63

But let's start and dive right in and

talk about some of the misconceptions

64

about estrangement, 'cause I know a lot

of people think it is so cut and dry.

65

Yeah.

66

And there's lots, so let's try

to stay on point here, Tammy.

67

But, I think there's a couple of big

ones that we see a lot these days.

68

One sort of false narrative is this

idea that adult children are just

69

cutting off their parents with no

good reason, over something minor,

70

it was an impulsive decision.

71

So we've got this idea like they're

overreacting, they're having this really

72

big really definitive decision about

something that could have been resolved

73

and it, it just misses the point.

74

I'm sure you see this with your clients.

75

This is what I hear from my clients, and

this is what all of the research shows as

76

well, is the complete opposite, which is

adult children agonize over this decision.

77

They truly want to do everything

possible to avoid estrangement.

78

They want to stay engaged

with their family.

79

They don't want to cut off their parents.

80

There's so much pressure around

that, and we can talk about

81

that piece later on as well.

82

But really, I see people trying and trying

to make it work, probably well pa- past

83

the point where most people would say,

I think you've given it your best here.

84

You've tried," literally for years.

85

These are issues that are not just

happening for people in adulthood.

86

It's not just the argument you

had last week with your mother.

87

For my clients, this

goes back to childhood.

88

It's variations of the same

themes, perhaps slightly different

89

scenarios now that you're an

adult, but it's essentially, the

90

same kinds of abuse, manipulation

gaslighting, scapegoating, disrespect.

91

All those kinds of things that have, like

I said, they've been going on for years.

92

So that's certainly one misconception

is that people are just doing this

93

without having giving it much thought.

94

And I think the other part of it

is, to your point about people

95

thinking about this as being

something that's cut and dry.

96

It's like we're estranged or we're not

estranged, when the reality is most

97

people are in this gray area, or most

people who we're dealing with, this

98

struggle is they're in this gray area

where it might be I have low contact for

99

a while, and then something happens and I

reestablish contact, or I'm intentionally

100

giving it another try, and then

something goes poorly and I pull back.

101

Or it could be I've cut off contact

completely for a couple of years

102

and then again, something has

shifted either internally or in the

103

family or in the world and there's

a reason that you're going back.

104

And so a lot of times it's an on

and off with the estrangement, not,

105

certainly there are people who have

gone no contact and stay that way

106

for many years or forever sometimes.

107

But for a lot of people it's a

back and forth, which I think has

108

its own challenges because there's

not sort of the stability in that.

109

You don't know what to expect.

110

You're not really sure how to move

forward because maybe we're gonna

111

reestablish contact or maybe we'll

work something out at some point.

112

So you're really left in in

a limbo around it, I think.

113

Yeah, I'm gonna, I'll let you comment

since it was your- No, I was gonna say,

114

and I feel like that instability is

w- half the problem of being a child.

115

That was half the problem of the child

was that instability, that uncertainty.

116

So you would think, and again,

depending on the circumstances I

117

would think it would be much easier.

118

There wouldn't be so much angst

connected to it if it was really bad.

119

But what do you think keeps those

children or adult children at this

120

point- Yeah … coming back and hoping

and holding on to that that belief or

121

that dream of this perfect relationship

or even a, any kind of relationship?

122

Some sort of functional relationship.

123

We have such a strong, really innate

connection to our parents or our

124

caregivers that starts, out of a

biological necessity when we're

125

small and we depend on our parents.

126

When we establish some sort of attachment

to them, even if it's not a secure

127

attachment, there's an attachment there.

128

And again, it can be almost striking

how much, even as adults, we crave our

129

parents' love, attention, approval.

130

That never goes away.

131

And again, going back to some of

the misconceptions, a lot of times

132

people wanna say you're an adult now.

133

You don't really need your parents."

134

But from that emotional standpoint, it

is really just as strong for people in

135

adulthood to want that from their parents.

136

And so that's definitely one string

that just gets pulled over and over

137

again, is, I want my parents to love

me, I want them to acknowledge me, I

138

want them to see me for who I really

am, to accept me, to be proud of me.

139

And when you have never gotten

that, you're left in this pattern of

140

constantly seeking it from your parents.

141

And then we also often try to seek it

out from other people because we're

142

not getting it from our parents.

143

We've missed this core

need being met, right?

144

So that often r- comes up

in other relationships that

145

we have in our life as well.

146

But that sort of sets us up,

unfortunately, when there's a

147

dysfunctional family, it has set us

up for going back, seeking something

148

from somebody who has probably,

possibly shown us already that

149

they're not going to give it to us.

150

They're not capable perhaps,

or they're withholding.

151

There's some dynamic going on there,

so that is not going to happen for us.

152

But again, like emotionally we can't

let go of it, and so we keep going

153

back, and that's where we see people

really just putting up with such abusive

154

behavior, toxic behavior, harmful

behavior from their parents seeking that.

155

And then I think that the other part

of this is that when you've grown up

156

in a dysfunctional or abusive family,

the, the harmful behavior becomes

157

so normalized that you sometimes

don't realize just how bad it is.

158

Because again, that's all you've known.

159

That's what you've

experienced with your parents.

160

And again you certainly grow up

into adulthood and you have more

161

life experience, you have more

examples of what healthy or unhealthy

162

relationships are, and sometimes

that's what starts making the shift

163

for people is they get new information

and they start to have a realization.

164

And this is sometimes what happens

when people go to therapy, and

165

this is unfortunately- … why we

see therapists getting blamed for

166

estrangement is sometimes what happens

when you go to therapy is you start

167

learning about what is a healthy

relationship and your eyes start to open.

168

You start to realize, wow, this family

situation is a lot more dysfunctional

169

or a lot more abusive than I even

realized because I've just been

170

putting up with it because I thought

it was normal and/or my family has

171

been telling me, "You're overreacting.

172

This isn't a big deal.

173

This isn't abuse.

174

Why don't you just, come back and,

play your part in the family?"

175

And the whole, you only got one set of

parents and all of this kind of stuff.

176

And so we basically like bought into

this, manipulation essentially which

177

has convinced us that the family isn't

as toxic or abusive as it truly is.

178

So that's the other thing that just keeps

people in there is this idea that, if

179

only I try hard enough, it's me, it's

not the family- … dynamic or it's

180

it's not the abuse that's going on here.

181

Somehow it's like if I could just

change something about myself, get

182

a thicker skin, not be so reactive

to it something along those lines,

183

then things would be better.

184

Or the, even the other way around

I was thinking too, like that

185

I, I can wrap my head around.

186

But the other aspect of it, of okay, I'm

older now so now I can set boundaries and

187

I won't let them talk to me that way, and

I'm gonna start this over on my terms.

188

How does that go?

189

And certainly in that, I

think that is a healthy idea.

190

And I'm sh- real big on the boundaries

as well, and I think those are

191

really important relationships

skills that we all need to have.

192

But probably most people know from

listening, if you've started to try to

193

set those boundaries with your family,

they're met with so much resistance.

194

And again, this is often a place

where, the blame essentially

195

gets shifted back onto you that

you're doing something wrong.

196

You're being mean or you're being too

difficult or something like this where

197

again, it's just, it's intended to guilt

you or shame you into a position of

198

backing off and just going with whatever

your role has been in this family.

199

Families are systems, and like any

other kind of system there's this sort

200

of unconscious force that's trying to

keep everybody in the family in place.

201

So if you step out of line and start

setting boundaries or saying, "Hey,

202

there's some problems in our family," or,

"You're mistreating me," everybody else

203

in the family is going to work really on

keeping you going on and operating the

204

way that it always, has always operated.

205

It does not want to change.

206

That's not to say that it can't ever

change and people can't ever change,

207

but it's hard when you're in a really

en- entrenched family system that has

208

built itself around often protecting

one or more people in the family

209

who are doing the abusive behavior

or the real harmful toxic stuff.

210

And those are the people that they

don't wanna, they don't wanna change.

211

They're not capable of change.

212

And then we've got these other people

who, sometimes we say they're enablers

213

or some other role in the family that

again just is allowing it to continue.

214

So it's really hard to be the person

who is over here setting the boundaries

215

and trying to do something different.

216

It's absolutely, I think, part of the

process for people is, before you're

217

gonna go to a s- a place of stepping away

from your family, obviously you are going

218

to try to use all of the communication

skills and all of the boundaries and,

219

all of the, the coping strategies

that you can to try to make it work.

220

And that's what that's what I see people

doing is, really trying and trying, and

221

it just being so frustrating that it

just kinda breaks you down over time.

222

Just it's beating your head against

the wall is like you're trying every

223

trick that you can come up with and

finding all of the resources and reading

224

all the books and going to therapy.

225

But so- sometimes the problem is

not you I think is the bottom line.

226

That's not to say that you don't have a

part in it or there isn't something that

227

you could change about yourself would

be beneficial to your own wellbeing,

228

but sometimes you alone are not enough

to change that whole family system.

229

Exactly.

230

Exa- and you, the other person on

the other side has to be willing to

231

look at their part, and that is the

hardest part of any dysfunctional

232

relationship in general is that

whole self-reflection thing.

233

And if they haven't self-reflected

in 26 years or 30 years and

234

been able to say, "Oh, maybe.

235

Maybe you're, it's, maybe

it's not your therapist.

236

Maybe there's a reason you're in

therapy, and maybe I had a little

237

small part in that," and that's,

that's hard for anybody obviously.

238

But what do you say to people that

are really just- really struggling

239

with the guilt and the shame of, "I

don't speak to my mom anymore and I'm

240

okay with that," but d- aren't really

okay with it in their heart and soul?

241

Yeah.

242

One, one thing I would say is try

to protect yourself from whatever

243

outside messages, influences

are reinforcing that idea.

244

So if it's on social media or it's a

particular person in your life that is

245

telling you're doing something wrong, try

to protect yourself from that so you're

246

not continuing to get barraged with the

guilt and the shame from the outside.

247

And then we can work with it from the

inside, which is trying to understand why

248

it is that we're feeling guilt and shame,

and then being curious about whether

249

that's really valid in the situation.

250

Oftentimes the guilt is coming from

unrealistic expectations that people

251

have set for us and our behavior.

252

And again, these blanket ideas that,

family should come first or family

253

is forever or something along those

lines where we have been told that

254

you need to be loyal and you need to,

respect your parents or s- take care

255

of your parents in their old age.

256

These are expectations that, we often

have without even realizing how strong

257

they are or where they come from.

258

We haven't really investigated You

know, do these reflect my values

259

and my particular situation?

260

Are they realistic in my situation?

261

Are they healthy for me?

262

Because a lot of times these are

based on either things that I would

263

say are unrealistic expectations for

adult children to do, things that are

264

"We're always supposed to do this.

265

We're never supposed to do that,"

without any nuance in them.

266

And then they're also often based on

the assumption that you're dealing with

267

a healthy relationship, that you've got

a functional family situation going on.

268

So if we were to set expectations

for adult children understanding

269

that they are coming from a situation

where they're, repeatedly being

270

hurt or abused by their parents or

family members, we would probably

271

set a really different expectation.

272

But nobody's really pausing

and, stopping to, consider that.

273

And I think there's so much resistance,

just from society that we don't want

274

to acknowledge how much harm and abuse

happens in families, and I think that's

275

where it really comes out in this way

when we see how much guilt and shame

276

is heaped onto people, especially

adult children in these situations.

277

Certainly there's a long way to go

with victims of other kinds of abuse

278

and harm but, I've certainly seen over

the years that when we think about

279

people who've maybe gotten a divorce

or even people who have been victims of

280

a sexual assault, I feel like there's

increased awareness around that it's not

281

okay to blame the victim essentially.

282

And yet when it comes to family

estrangement, we've still got this really

283

strong blaming the victim mentality going

on that is feeding into this guilt and

284

shame really strongly to say, "It can't

possibly be that they're being mistreated.

285

It must be something about the adult

child that they're doing wrong,

286

and so they must be the problem.

287

And so let's blame them, and let's make

them s- feel so lousy about cutting off

288

contact that they're going to go back."

289

And of course it's a completely ridiculous

notion that, again, if you've shamed

290

me so badly that I'm going to go back

to my parents, like that's gonna be the

291

setup for a healthy relationship either.

292

'Cause, nobody coming, being in

a relationship out of guilt and

293

shame, it, it's just obviously

the opposite of what, you're…

294

It's not a foundation for a healthy

relationship, but anyway, I think it

295

certainly speaks to how intense the

pressure is for people to reconnect,

296

and perhaps, part of that's why we

see so much back and forth for people

297

about second-guessing their decisions

and then going back and thinking,

298

"Oh, let me give it one more try,

and one more try, and one more try."

299

Some of that is probably because of

all of that messaging that they're

300

getting from everyone around them.

301

Sometimes it's people

really close to them.

302

Other family members often are the

strongest voice in pushing them back.

303

Yeah, and it's funny because I remember

I was just talking to a lady the other

304

day, and she was talking about all the

crap she was getting from her family

305

and her friends and everything else,

and I w- I literally was like, we've

306

been talking about this for months.

307

Did your friend ever even know what

it was like when you were growing up?"

308

And she's like, "No."

309

I was like, "So your friend is literally

throwing you back into something

310

that she kn- encouraging you to go

back because there was so much guilt

311

and shame and secrecy to begin with

in what the situation was like."

312

So- Yeah … I kinda, I was like you

can't blame your friend for thinking, oh,

313

it was a normal health- healthy, happy

relation- you know, family to begin with,

314

and you're just ditching mom per se.

315

Y- it's, they had no idea.

316

I know in our family- … it

was the same thing.

317

There was no- nobody talked about

what happened, so when people were

318

like, "How could you say that?

319

She w- she was your mother," I'm

like how could she do X, Y, and Z?

320

She was my mother."

321

But you're right.

322

So much of this is also that what

happens at, in dysfunctional families

323

is so secreted, and it's, something

you're not supposed to be talking about.

324

And so it is, even as an adult I

can certainly see those situations

325

where you're not necessarily talking

about the things that happened or how

326

difficult your childhood was with,

somebody that you've met in adulthood.

327

But it's still sad, I would say, that

people are assuming, that you kinda

328

have no good reason for cutting off

your mother rather than, at least having

329

some curiosity about, like what could

possibly happen to Tammy's family that

330

she would have gone to this extreme?

331

Because again, it, assuming the

best a- about you as a person, I,

332

or your decision-making ability.

333

So if anybody is listening is in that

position of the friend or family member

334

of somebody who is estranged from their

family, that could be a good thing, for

335

people to remember as well is, to try

to assume that people have good reasons.

336

You may not understand them, or you

may not agree with them, but that

337

doesn't, you know- … that's entirely

different than assuming- Yeah.

338

She's probably just, being difficult or I

don't know what they're thinking, right?

339

I was gonna say, and it takes

a big decision to make that.

340

It's like you said, it's not

something you just get in one

341

argument and you're like, "That's it.

342

I'm never speaking to her again."

343

That's not how it happens

with a mom or dad and a child.

344

That's, it just doesn't, no

matter what age they're at.

345

It builds up and builds up.

346

Yep.

347

And it's…

348

I laugh saying that the therapist

gets the brunt of it, 'cause I

349

can see that happening a lot.

350

Like, all of the sudden it's

the therapist's fault, but it's

351

okay, this person went to therapy

because they were so confused and

352

so messed up about everything.

353

Not just mom and dad, but- … when you

grow up in that kind of utter chaos,

354

it's, there's a lot to work through.

355

And then all of the sudden the,

it's all of a sudden like the

356

therapist told me to leave."

357

No, that's not how it happens.

358

Talk on that a little bit.

359

Yeah.

360

It's almost like it's a it, it No, it's

not exactly a coincidence, but I don't

361

know quite what the right word is, but

it's like the timing just aligns that

362

you're going to therapy and you're

starting to have these realizations

363

and you're th- you're waking up to

some of these new possibilities and

364

learning new things about yourself.

365

Are there therapists who are

telling people to go no contact?

366

I don't know.

367

I can't imagine there's that many.

368

Most therapists are really trained

in trying to help people make their

369

own decisions, thinking through

the different possibilities.

370

It…

371

And if somebody is not ready to make

that decision, honestly, I don't

372

think anything they're seeing on

social media or in therapy is gonna

373

be the thing, is going to suddenly

convince them to cut off their parents.

374

Again- … there's so much working- It,

there's so much going on that is pushing

375

people to stay connected- … that

it takes an awful lot for people to

376

go against all of that pressure, like

we've been talking about, that's-

377

Yeah … internal and it's external

pressure to stay engaged in the family.

378

So yeah I think ultimately you're right.

379

That people have, gone to therapy

and then, they're at a place at a

380

crossroads sometimes when they're

making decisions about what to do.

381

And this is a place for them to

consider, that is one option.

382

What would that be like?

383

How would I handle that if I did?

384

Because the truth is even when you've

gotten to the place of saying, "Hey, I

385

need to go no contact, either for a short

period of time so I can do some healing

386

or maybe indefinitely," there's still…

387

that's not the end of the story.

388

That's just, like, where I'm at now.

389

And for me, I feel like that just

opens up a space for people to

390

be able to do some of the healing

work that they have needed to do.

391

But when you are still in a really

difficult or, toxic, abusive

392

relationship, you don't have essentially

the energy or maybe even the time.

393

You don't have the internal resources

to do the healing because you're still

394

getting, bombarded with the abuse.

395

And so you're dealing with

what's happening day to day

396

and there's no reprieve.

397

And so that's where when you have said,

"Okay, I'm gonna take the step back.

398

I'm gonna have, minimal or no contact."

399

It's like you can maybe take a deep breath

and say- … okay, now I can put some of

400

that energy into, kind of this backlog

of all these years, of trauma, abuse, of

401

difficulties, of heartaches things that

have really piled up over the years that

402

you haven't been able to work through yet.

403

And going no contact, like you

said, does not mean forever.

404

I look at it like someone that's

going through Al-Anon that

405

has a spouse that's drinking.

406

You can't do it and you can't heal

and go through those steps of Al-Anon

407

while the spouse is coming home and

verbally berating you every night.

408

It can't coexist, so sometimes

just stepping away, like you said,

409

to heal or to start to heal or to

even to heal the bigger issues so

410

that you can be confident enough to

at least trust your own judgment.

411

What…

412

Talk about- … yeah, what that looks

like some of the processes that you

413

walk through with people as far as to

starting to heal from that separation.

414

Yeah.

415

It can be a bumpy road, for sure.

416

'Cause like I said, sometimes it feels

like you're peeling back the layers.

417

And then there's more there than you maybe

originally realized for you to deal with.

418

But I think the first part is

learning to accept what is.

419

When you've been in these kind

of relationships, you've been

420

spending so much time and energy

on trying to change things.

421

And now it's like you're gonna shift

away from trying to fix the relationship

422

to accepting people as they are.

423

This is who they are.

424

I'm not, I'm no longer engaged

in trying to fix or change them.

425

And accepting the whole situation,

and that, I think, often brings

426

a lot of grief up for people.

427

It's grieving what you never

had that you needed, and that

428

can be really big for people.

429

Recognizing there's been a

fantasy of, again, some stories

430

you've been telling yourself.

431

If you could fix things, if things

could be different, we might have

432

this kind of relationship that,

I've seen other people have with

433

their parents or I've seen on TV.

434

And then certainly grieving the

pain of the things that did happen.

435

Or the things that you

didn't get from your parents.

436

Often there's a lot of emo- emotional

neglect that has happened, and so

437

there's a lot of things that you are

grieving that your parents didn't

438

show up for you, either physically or

emotionally in those particular ways.

439

And I think as you were talking about at

the very beginning, we're also working

440

on focusing on what you can control

And that really brings you back to,

441

what do I need to change about myself?

442

And that might be specific related

to the relationship with your

443

parents, but as we know difficult

relationships with our family, kinda

444

has tentacles that have reached into-

445

many other areas of our lives, right?

446

Our romantic relationships,

our relationships with our own

447

children, our work situations,

all kinds of things, right?

448

So once we start to s- kinda have

this, this wherewithal to say,

449

"Okay, what is it that I can control?

450

What do I need to change?"

451

This might be I realize I really need

to set some different boundaries with

452

my own children, or it might be I

recognize I'm having, the same argument

453

with my partner over and over again.

454

What is it that's going on here?

455

… Being able to work on some

of these other relationships

456

and other areas of our lives.

457

And then I think the other thing that

I really like to think about is like

458

some idea of re-parenting ourselves,

and that is often, again, thinking

459

about some of those gaps in the things

that we didn't get from our parents.

460

And sometimes that's actually some

tangible s- life skills, social-emotional

461

skills that we didn't- … develop because

again, nobody provided that for us.

462

They didn't give us the role

modeling for it or or have the

463

interpersonal experiences with us.

464

So sometimes that's some coping

skills that we might need to develop

465

for ourselves as well, whether

that's like emotional regulation

466

skills or, again, boundary setting

skills, communication skills.

467

Self-compassion I think is a really big

one, really super helpful for people.

468

But again, if, nobody's been teachi-

teaching you how to be nice to yourself

469

or telling you why that's important,

that might be something that now you're

470

at a place to realize, oh, that could

be really good for me to learn how to do

471

that, and that could help me transform

my relationship with myself, Right

472

as well.

473

And it's funny that you just

mentioned the coping that…

474

you just rambled off five of

the big ones real quickly.

475

But that's, and that's every, every adult

child goes through those, those thinking

476

and, like you said, those tentacles.

477

And it is sometimes, unfortunately,

easier to do that when you don't have

478

all this other outside influence that is

trying to throw the other, the, trying

479

to get you into those shame spirals.

480

I always talk about- Yeah … people are

like what do you help w- how do you want

481

your clients to feel when they're done?"

482

I'm like, "I want them to be

unapologetically themselves."

483

With no guilt and shame.

484

None.

485

And- Yeah … that's very hard

when you have- that person.

486

Sometimes you, there, you do.

487

Sometimes you need a

little bit of a separation.

488

And like I said, for the people

that are out there that are

489

thinking do I or do I not?"

490

O- only you can answer that.

491

Yes.

492

And- All right.

493

You made me think of two other

things I wanted to mention.

494

Go ahead.

495

Yeah, so one is as we've been talking

about this healing is the other piece

496

of healing that I think can emerge is,

like you were saying, is this ability

497

to, I say, fully be your authentic self

And that is both, I think, part of the

498

healing but in itself also really healing.

499

Recognizing that for a lot of adult

children, they have been, kind of

500

people pleasing, shape-shifting,

trying to show up as the person

501

that their parents want them to be.

502

And there can be this tremendous amount

of healing and freedom that comes from

503

when you step back from that relationship,

being able to be your true self.

504

And part of that healing sort of journey

might also be really exploring who am I?

505

What do I wanna do with my life?

506

What's important to me?

507

What are really my values?

508

What are different parts of my identity

that maybe I've shut down because I

509

didn't think they were acceptable?

510

So that's a really amazing thing,

to see that happen for people

511

to really come into themselves.

512

And it's, in some ways it's almost like

sort of a delayed adolescence that if you

513

didn't get the opportunity to do that when

you were growing up 'cause it wasn't safe

514

for you to just, be yourself you didn't

get to explore and try out new things

515

and figure all that kind of stuff out.

516

So it's not too late to do all of that.

517

No, not at all.

518

And I love that because that's exactly…

519

I love the way you put that,

a delayed adolescence, 'cause

520

that's exactly what it is.

521

I remember going to therapy at, and 26

years old and someone saying who's Tammy?"

522

I'm like, "Whatever you need me to be."

523

Yeah.

524

Exactly.

525

They really don't- Whatever you

need me to be … you don't know.

526

I have no idea.

527

Yeah.

528

And you go through phases,

and people are like what, how

529

old is your average client?"

530

And the people that I work

with are not in their 20s.

531

Yeah.

532

They're in their 40s and 50s and 60s.

533

Because all of a sudden, you've

been what everybody needed

534

you to be for so long- Yeah

535

and even whether you're a chi- and then

you have your own children and you be what

536

they need you to be or, you're just there

wrapped around everybody else for so long.

537

And it might…

538

I don't know.

539

I'm not encouraging it.

540

I'm not saying to

anybody, "Go no contact."

541

I'm just saying if, wake up in the

morning, and I tell every person I

542

ever talk to, wake up in the morning

and you ask yourself, what do I

543

need right now to be 1% healthier?

544

And if it's space.

545

Yeah.

546

And again, it's like people take

a, a trial separation in a marriage

547

or we're, taking some space in a

dating relationship- why can't we do

548

that in other relationships, right?

549

It has a purpose.

550

It can be very healthy for people and

it can, I think, provide an opportunity

551

for healing in some different ways

that is really difficult to do while

552

you're still in the relationship.

553

I know we're coming up on the end of

our time probably, but the one other

554

thing that I want to say about healing

that I think can be really important

555

for people is developing some kind

of true support system for themself.

556

And I know that's really hard

especially when you've come

557

from, difficult relationships.

558

It's hard to trust people.

559

It's hard to know who the right

people are to connect with.

560

And again, when you're getting a

lot of guilt and shame messages-

561

Yeah … you really got to be selective

about who you're gonna confide in.

562

But with that said, it is really important

for us to try to develop, even if it's

563

just a couple of supportive relationships.

564

Sometimes, that's like through a 12-step

group or some other kind of community

565

of healing or therapy or the idea of

eventually developing some sort of

566

chosen family or close group of friends

who's gonna try to fill some of the

567

gaps that family, might have been

there for people to, do, ful- fulfill

568

certain functions in their lives.

569

And so- … those are- that's

certainly a process for people.

570

But ultimately, it's much harder to do

this sort of going it alone, which I think

571

is, for some people it feels like their

inclination is, "I've been hurt by people.

572

I just, I don't wanna be in

relationships with people, so I'm

573

just gonna figure it out on my own."

574

But there are supportive people out there

when people are ready to, test the waters.

575

And I highly- Yeah … suggest to

everybody out there listening that if

576

you don't have that person, that group,

that, that therapist, that coach,

577

whatever it is, you find it because it's

who is it that says, "What's insanity?

578

Doing the same thing over and over

again and expecting different results."

579

If you are in your little box, you're

not standing outside of your box looking

580

in, so you don't always see everything.

581

So- Ab- absolutely.

582

Absolutely.

583

You just don't.

584

And we thrive on community and connection.

585

Yep.

586

That's human nature.

587

So- Yep.

588

Yeah, and there's just, there

really is a lot of healing in

589

being able to lean on somebody, to

like literally cry on somebody's

590

shoulder and getting a hug and right?

591

That's very therapeutic.

592

Oh, 100%.

593

So Sharon, this has been amazing.

594

If people wanna work with you, get

your book, talk, tell us about what,

595

how they can, best place to reach you.

596

Yeah, absolutely.

597

My website is

livewellwithsharonmartin.com.

598

So from there you can

find all of my offerings.

599

I've got lots of free articles that I've

written on there, all kinds of stuff.

600

But and the book is Cutting Ties With Your

Parents, and wherever you like to buy your

601

books you should be able to find it there

or just ask them to order it for you.

602

Okay.

603

And I will put all of that in the

show notes, so if you guys are

604

driving, don't worry about writing

that down or remembering that 'cause

605

I know I probably already forgot it.

606

But I will have it in the show notes.

607

Perfect.

608

But if you want so if you had to leave

people that are in this situation or going

609

through this or know somebody that's going

through this dilemma or question right

610

now, what would be your biggest words

of wisdom or piece of advice for them?

611

Easy question, right?

612

That's a big one.

613

I think what I really wanna leave

people with is an invitation to

614

be gentle with yourself, be kind

with yourself, recognize that this

615

is, these are difficult decisions.

616

They're born out of difficult

situations that you have been

617

dealing with for a long time.

618

If you're not ready to make

any decision, that's okay.

619

Try to meet yourself where you

are in this moment with some

620

kindness, with some understanding.

621

And I think sometimes if you can step

outside of yourself and just imagine

622

this is a loving friend saying something

supportive to you, what would that be?

623

What would they do?

624

And then see if you can

do that for yourself.

625

Amen.

626

I love that.

627

I always say that, but you have to be your

own best friend in a situation like that.

628

So thank you so much for coming.

629

I appreciate you.

630

Thank you, Tammy.

631

Appreciate you as well.

632

Yes, and for everybody else out

there listening, like she said, it

633

is a big decision, but it's not…

634

Nothing's final until it's final.

635

Like nothing's final.

636

So whatever you need right now, if it

goes day by day, minute by minute, hour

637

by hour, whatever it is, take it one

day at a time, but know that nobody's

638

input has any more worth than your own.

639

So it is your decision and yours

alone, and don't feel guilty for

640

one, even one second about it.

641

You don't have to.

642

I always say you don't

have to explain yourself.

643

You don't have to rationalize it.

644

Yeah.

645

You don't have to do anything.

646

It is what it is, and the people

that respect that decision are the

647

people that you want to d- on…

648

in your world anyway.

649

Yeah.

650

So thanks again, everybody.

651

We will see you back, and you all

have a most wonderful and blessed day.

652

Bye.