Did you know that 49% of adults self-identify as people-pleasers? If you're anything like most teachers, you may not even realize you are a people pleaser. I know I sure wouldn't have categorized myself as such. People-pleasing tendencies can often go unnoticed, especially when we're passionate about our work, like teaching. We might think that our dedication and willingness to go the extra mile for our students and colleagues are just part of being a dedicated educator.

In this episode, Amy Schamberg dives deeper into her own burnout experience and shares valuable insights on how to identify if you are a people-pleaser and the importance of setting boundaries. She also discusses the power of self-awareness and self-compassion in overcoming burnout and finding fulfillment in your teaching journey.

Amy Schamberg is a mental health and holistic wellness expert with over 13 years of dedicated experience. She is the driving force behind Amy Schamberg Wellness and holds various prominent roles including Licensed School Psychologist at the Ricks Center for Gifted Children at the University of Denver, Functional Medicine Certified Health Coach, National Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach, trainer, speaker, and creator of "The ME TIME Method." Additionally, she has contributed her expertise to the international mindfulness and mental health care company, Headspace.

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Introduction and Background Story of Burnout Journey

[0:00] Hey, Amy, welcome to the show. Hi, Brittany, thanks so much for having me.

I was really excited to connect with you and I gave a really great introduction to you, but I always think it's so important to hear your story straight from the source.

So it's just way more impactful that way. And so can you share a little bit about you, your burnout, your journey of becoming a school psychologist to working in functional medicine as a health coach?

Yeah, how much time do we have? We've got all the time in the world. Okay.

And from the beginning, I was always so passionate about my work.

[0:46] And, you know, it's interesting when we talk about burnout because I think it's really sneaky and it can sneak up on you.

And for me, in the beginning, being double booked, triple booked, you know, bringing work home on the weekend, staying late, like that felt like a choice. And I was very passionate about what I was doing. And it was no big deal. This is just what everybody did. And.

[1:08] So that's just the kind of set the stage as to like the beginning of my career. And there was a period of time when I worked part time as a school psychologist, and I still was bringing all my work home on the days that I wasn't there. And that was just kind of a joke, like, yeah, this is how it goes. You never really work part time, right? And, you.

[1:26] Know, then we entered COVID. And that's when things changed for all of us, myself included. And during that time where everybody was working at home, I decided to pursue another passion of mine, which is functional medicine health coaching. And so if you're not familiar with functional medicine, it's really an approach that looks at the root cause of illness, rather than saying, you know, oh, you have a headache, take an Advil, we say, why do you have a headache? And let's treat that. And that was really interesting to me. And it had been for a long time. So I, you know, saw the COVID situation as an opportunity to do something new. So I pursued that training. And then I went back to work at the school that I had been employed at, which was the second largest high school in the state of Colorado with 3,000 200 students. It was, yeah, it was busy, to say the least. And then, you know, we returned after COVID, and all of the mental health concerns that we had previously seen were just exacerbated across the board. And with myself.

Mental Health Concerns Exacerbated After COVID

[2:39] I was kind of burning the candle at both ends for a long time without really realizing it.

So I had those habits that I mentioned from before, always just kind of working really hard, putting more on my plate, thinking that it was a choice.

Then I pursued this other certification and coaching. And then things started to kind of get really hard and unravel a bit. And it just started to feel like it wasn't a choice anymore.

And it started to feel really, really hard. And I was just exhausted all the time.

And I didn't feel passionate about my work anymore. And that was a big sign to me when the compassion fatigue set in.

And I just was feeling really detached from my students. That was a sign that something was not right.

And long story short, I ended up needing to take a 10 week leave of absence.

[3:31] Because I was so unable to function.

My burnout got to the point where I would be having a conversation with a colleague or in a meeting with a parent, and it was like the words were coming, but I couldn't even hear them. I wasn't able to show up for my family at all.

Self-Reflection and Empowerment in Overcoming Burnout

[3:49] So I had to take a leave of absence. And that was the period of time that I really had to look deep inside myself and figure out what's going on here, because it's very easy to blame external circumstances, like, you know, the pandemic, that's what caused my burnout.

Oh, this, you know, school district that I'm in, or it's the demands of my building.

And sure, that certainly contributed, but with my functional medicine training and understanding about looking for a root cause, I knew I knew how to go deeper.

And that was really hard to see that there are certain things that I was doing, know, certain beliefs that I held, certain habits that I was continuing that were contributing to my burnout. And so that was a huge epiphany for me. And once I was able to.

[5:52] Like, Wow, OK, this is, this is not just me. This is across the board. I'm working with these amazing women all over the world who have these exact same issues. And so all that to say, you know, there are things that we can do, there are things within our control that we can shift, that we can change to become more resilient, to have a buffer against those external things that we don't have control over. And that's what I've become really, really passionate about in the last year or so.

Passion, Burnout, and People-Pleasing Tendencies Identified

[6:27] I just love listening to your story, because I was listening and I heard you say you are passionate. And I've done some research about passion and burnout. And typically, when you are passionate about something, you give your all to it because you're so excited, you have all of these things that you want to complete. And then you end up burning out because you are burning the candle at both ends. You have those perfectionistic, those people-pleasing tendencies, high-achieving. We just talked about this in Episode 70, how there are 4 particular, I mean, there's more personality types out there, but we talked about how there's 4 particular personality types that really need to set boundaries this school year as teachers. And those were, some of those 4 characteristics. I know you talked about being a people-pleaser. I looked into you a little bit. I know that there are so many teachers out there, there, that fit that criteria, too, and maybe don't even realize it. So if there's someone listening right now, how could somebody tell, maybe, if they are a people-pleaser, too?

Signs of Being a People-Pleaser and its Impact on Burnout

[7:32] I love that you asked that question because a few years ago I would have said I am not a people pleaser. Absolutely not. My inner rebel cringes at the thought of being a people pleaser. I've always thought of myself as this very independent, strong-willed, I'll do what I want when I want type person. However, the definition of a people pleaser is it's like the act of accommodating the needs of others to avoid conflict or negative feelings, even if you don't enjoy what you're doing. So what that looks like, if you're constantly feeling overwhelmed by all of your commitments, that's the number one, I don't know, red flag that maybe you can get curious and see, like, what else is going on here? Are you agreeing to take on more responsibilities, even when you want to say no, consistently? Are you avoiding conflict at all costs, right? Do you Do you feel really uncomfortable setting a boundary?

Do you feel really uncomfortable just bringing something up?

You know, sometimes we have those situations where we notice, we just get the sense that something's a little off with like a relationship even, but we don't wanna bring it up because it's gonna be an icky conversation.

It's gonna be uncomfortable.

Do we avoid that, right? Are we constantly apologizing even when it's not necessary?

[8:50] Do we feel the need to provide like this elaborate explanation for why we can't do something if we do in fact set a boundary or say no, like do we have to go on and on?

I think about my husband, like if he can't do something, he'll just be like, no, I can't do that, end of story.

Like, I can't do something. I'm like, well, here's the thing, my kid has this appointment and then we have to go here and I already said I would do this and I feel like this need to give all this information.

[9:16] And some other signs of being a people pleaser is just, if you feel guilty putting yourself first, if you feel guilty caring for yourself, because there's always going to be more that you could be doing, always.

And so, if you're constantly like, oh, I can't take this time for myself because I need to grade those papers, or I need to write that report, or I need to, yeah, those things are always gonna be there.

But if that guilt is constantly there, that's another sign that you might be a people pleaser.

And I think that leads to really feeling resentful, leads to feeling really stressed, and ultimately leads to burnout.

Recognizing People-Pleasing Tendencies

[9:54] Yeah, I mean, you said that about being independent. I talked with my friend Spencer last year about some of the things that she went through in burnout. She was talking about people-pleasing. And at the time, I think I even said, like, I'm far from a people-pleaser. But when I really dove into it, because like I'm an Enneagram 8, like I, I'm one of those people who's got like a real strong personality, and I like to stick up for people, that sort of thing. I would never have said, Brittany is a people pleaser. But even just kind of looking into it, realizing when I'm giving, I tell people when they say, well, can you do such and such? And I'm like, well, I got this one thing and I got this other thing. And so I'm really juggling a lot right now.

And even though I'm setting a boundary, I still give a whole lot with it. You know what I mean?

And I think, I bet there's some teachers out there right now who are listening in that are like, oh, crap. Maybe, maybe I am a people-pleaser, you know? What are the, like, the 6 steps to really avoid people-pleasing?

And we say, well, you know, they don't have anyone else to ask, or I owe them because they helped me out. Well, well, really, what what's underneath of that?

You know, if you share that you couldn't or would you could you offer to help them find somebody else?

You know, what else is there?

And another strategy, along with challenging those thoughts that I often use with clients is called fact versus opinion.

And then another way to overcome people-pleasing is to practice being assertive in a really low-stakes, respectful way.

Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing

So, you know, just, just practicing using I-statements, practicing, you know, when it's, we're going out for lunch and everyone says, Well, where do you want to go? If you're the type of person who normally says, Oh, I don't care, I'll go wherever you want to go. Speak your opinion. Where do you want to go? You know, what is an idea that you have? And practice these little, these little things that kind of help you feel more confident in asserting yourself. And you mentioned boundaries, of course, that's super important. And on, along the lines of low-stakes practicing, what's been helpful for a lot of my clients recently that I've been working with, rather than saying, you know, No, I can't do that right away, it's a little softer to practice saying, Let me think about that and get back to you tomorrow. And.

Yeah, so giving ourselves that space to really think about it. And think, you know, if I say yes to this, what does that mean I'm saying no to? Because every yes equals a no, right? And then really, I think the next one is just.

So that yucky feeling that I'm getting that really icky feeling like I really don't want to do this, but I'm still saying yes.

Setting Boundaries with Ourselves

Right And then I think another piece is really being mindful and capitalizing on what I call the power of pause. So like we're so busy, like from the moment we wake up and you know, all day long.

So just, like for myself, I often will set an alarm on my watch to go off every two hours, and it just like reminds me, like pulls me out of whatever I'm doing.

And you know, I might look out the window and take a couple breaths or, you know, just take a break. All the things that we tell our students to do, you know, do for ourselves and model that as well. You know, and then practicing real self-care.

Redefining Self-Care and Prioritizing Sleep

Of course, I'd like to go get my nails done, but I don't have time for that.

So then I thought about, well, what does self-care even mean?

And for me, self-care means reducing stress and increasing joy.

And what would allow that to occur? Well, if I didn't have these constant thoughts about I need to, I should, I have to.

So how can I get rid of those thoughts? Or, you know, if there's a certain task that you can't stand, can you train someone else to do it and delegate it? Right? Like, what can you remove from your plate? And I think that's really been helpful for not just myself, but the clients that I've been working with as well. And honestly, I think that the No. 1 way to kind of mitigate the effects of overworking or just being super busy and stressed all the time is sleep. And, you know, we hear that all the time, but honestly, when we are overworking and busy, sleep is the first thing to go. I read something the other day that said, humans are the only mammals that purposely delay sleep. Like no other mammal does this. Like if, you know, the cat lays down, takes a nap. Like we're the only ones that just put it off.

The Struggle of Digital Detox at Night

Self-Care by Subtraction: Individualized Approach to Well-being

Yeah. And you, you talked about the people-pleasing. I know that there are so many teachers out there who don't even realize that they're a people-pleaser. And just listening to our conversation today, it's going to have them thinking and reflecting and being like, Huh, you know, if, if Brittany might be a people-pleaser, or if Amy might be a people, pleaser. Maybe I am, too, and really looking into that, reflecting and start to look at self-care as ...

You know, by subtraction. So I just, I love that. It was such a good conversation. Is there anything else that you want to add or that you would want to tell the audience who's listening today?

Overcoming Burnout: There is Another Way

I have some other articles on there. I have a free guide to bedtime bliss that goes through some of those helpful hacks for better sleep that I was alluding to.

And you know, I just, I just want everyone to know that it doesn't have to be this way.

If you're feeling stuck and overwhelmed and stuck in burnout, there is another way.

And I'd be happy to, you know, share some more resources with anybody who's interested.

Absolutely. So we're going to put all of the links down for your freebie for your social media anywhere that people can connect with you.

Way they can head over to that and click and follow you. It was just a real pleasure to have this conversation with you today with another teacher friend who just gets it, who understands, and I love connecting with other people like, that. So thank you again for coming on to the show.

Yes, same. Thank you so much for having me. It's been amazing.