Victoria Yates is back on the podcast today to talk with me about teaching kids to love their bodies and have a great relationship with food and their bodies. We’re addressing some of the challenges and fears that we face as parents, how society has told us to view our bodies, and then she’ll share some strategies to help you support your kid’s health in a positive way.

Victoria is an intuitive eating and body image coach for women. She is also a former labor & delivery and pediatric nurse. 

The last time she was here, we talked about how we, as women, can heal our relationships with our bodies and move toward body acceptance and self love at a deeper level. Today, we’re taking it a step further to develop a body positive dynamic for the whole family. 

If you’ve been here for a while, you know that my mission as a parenting coach is to heal the next generation in advance. To help our kids get to adulthood without a bunch of trauma and insecurity that they need to heal from. 

One of the things that women (myself included) are healing from is our relationship with our bodies and with food. What would it be like if our kids didn’t need to heal these wounds?

What is Body Positivity?

Recent culture tells us that a small body = health. And there’s pushback against body positivity by people thinking this means that accepting our bodies means that health isn’t important anymore. 

Victoria explains that her idea of body positivity is not that there are good or bad bodies. Everyone has a different body. It’s a part of human diversity. Body positivity is really about saying, “This is the body that I was given,” and being a little more neutral and accepting of it. 

We aren’t all made to be one specific size, and there are a lot of factors that go into our size and weight. Some are things we can control, like our eating habits, movement, sleep and stress. But a large component also comes from our genetics. 

And our bodies are always changing. You can think of your relationship with your body like a relationship with another person (e.g. your kid or your spouse/partner). You’re always learning new things about them. You might be frustrated with them at times, but the acceptance and love is still there. 

What Our Culture Says About Bodies

There is an anti-fat bias in our society. On the flip side of that, there is privilege that comes with being thin. 

Society uses our bodies to decide what is beautiful, healthy and even moral. And this translates into seeing a fat body and labeling it as not beautiful or healthy, like they’ve done something wrong. 

Living in a body that isn’t accepted by society comes with the risk of being made fun of or passed up for opportunities. As parents, this can feel scary. We want to keep our kids safe, and they are more likely to be valued in society if they are in a thin body. 

You might jump to thinking, “I’ve gotta put my kid on a diet,” or “I’ve gotta make sure they move.”

I see these concerns about weight and body shape come in often around age 9 or 10, as kids are entering puberty. Their bodies are changing in a lot of ways, and kids seem to put on weight before they have growth spurts (not a doctor here, just an observation). 

It can be scary for parents to see those changes, and I sometimes see diet culture start to creep in. Victoria shares that most of her adult clients first started dieting in their teenage years. This can be generational, starting with a girl going to a Weight Watchers meeting or doing a diet plan with her mom. 

The truth is, people might judge your kid by the way they look. We can’t control that. They might even judge your parenting based on how your kid looks. It can be really hurtful. 

So how do we own the idea that their body is the right size, they’re in a relationship with their body and food and that they’re learning and figuring it out?

It starts with the question, “What are you actually worried about - health or fitting in?”

Victoria shares a few strategies parents can use to help their kids develop body positivity. 

Teaching Kids To Love Their Bodies

When it comes to food and bodies, instead of focusing on weight and size, here are some emotionally healthy frameworks to consider.

Focus on health-promoting behaviors: movement, nutrition, sleep hygiene, being outside, and spending time with others. (Instead of focusing on weight loss.)

The book Health At Every Size explains that the things we do, not our weight, determine our health. Eating intuitively, moving our bodies regularly, sleeping well and managing stress are the factors that actually impact health. Our weight is secondary. 

Ultimately, we want to cultivate a home environment that promotes a healthy relationship with food and body. Look at what your kid is doing and what habits are encouraged in your home. Are you bringing nutritious foods into the house? Are you moving as a family?

Practice the division of responsibility with food. The parent is in charge of what food is served and where it’s served and when it’s served. The child is in charge of how much is eaten. (This facilitates intuitive eating.)

Kids are born as intuitive eaters. Babies cry when they’re hungry, and they pull away when they’re full. This instinct is their default. 

This can be as simple as asking a young child, “Is your belly full or is your belly still hungry?” It prompts them to check in with how their body is feeling. For older kids who no longer seem like intuitive eaters, there are ways to bring them back to it. 

Combat anti-fat bias by adopting the belief that bodies come in a lot of sizes and that’s ok. There are non-size-2 bodies that are healthy and strong, and there are thin bodies that aren’t healthy. There is a lot of research now showing that weight does not determine health. 

Communicate that food is there to give us energy, not to control our size. Encourage your child to eat healthier “power foods” because they’ll power them up and make their bodies strong. It’s not about them needing to be thinner.

Convey that the purpose of movement is to keep our bones and muscles strong, and because it feels good. (Not for weight loss or body sculpting.) When kids have more regular movement, they can run around at the park, jump on the trampoline and do the things they want to do. 

Be aware of how you speak about bodies in the world, including your own. Moms often ask Victoria how they can help their kids have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. 

Her answer: It starts with you. Kids are like mirrors. If they see and hear you talking negatively about your body or food or going on diets, they will pick up those tendencies. 

Make a commitment to not talk badly about your body in front of your kids nor to talk about the size of your child’s body to your child. 

If we can decide to stop looking at our kids’ bodies as a problem and instead look at our society’s values (fat bias, thin privilege, diet culture, etc.) as the issue, it frees us from having to participate in it. It frees our kids from being defined by it. 

Our kids are borrowing our values and beliefs while they’re figuring out their own. Some of us have a little work to do ourselves before we can really teach our children how to have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies. That might mean working on your own body positivity or relationship with food and diet culture. 

If you are healing your own relationship with body and food, connect with Victoria at the links below. 

Teaching kids to love their bodies is just like bringing more peace into your home. It starts with a calm, confident mama. Learn more about my programs to help you become a Calm Mama here.

Connect with Victoria:

• Visit Victoria’s website. 
• Follow her on Instagram @nondiet_rn
• Listen to the Redefining Health podcast
• Watch the free masterclass: Stop When You’re Full 

Resources:

• Episode 51: Your Body with Victoria Yates
• Episode 66: Peaceful Dinners & Picky Eaters
• Fat Talk; Parenting In The Age Of Diet Culture by Virginia Sole-Smith
• Women, Food, & God: An Unexpected Path To Almost Everything by Geneen Roth

You’ll Learn:

• Messages we get from society about our bodies that aren’t actually true
• Emotionally healthy ways to promote physical health and positive body image in your family
• How to handle kids’ desire for sweets and treats
• Why teaching kids to love their bodies starts with you

Free Resources:

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In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Alright. Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. Today, I

am lucky enough to talk with Victoria Yates, and we're gonna talk today

about really teaching your children how to love their

body and how to have a great relationship with with food and

with their body, and we're gonna get into some of the challenges of

that and what some of the fears that we have as parents

and then get into some really good strategies. So welcome, Victoria. Just

introduce yourself, and we're gonna get into it. Yeah. Thanks for

having me back on. So fun. That's right. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. So I'm Victoria Yates. I am an intuitive eating and

body image coach for women. And,

A little bit about my background. So I formally was a nurse. I

practiced, as a nurse for, about 5

years. I worked in labor and delivery and then Pediatrics.

So I do have actually a lot of even though I work with adult women

now, I I work with a lot of moms and and such,

but I do have a lot of background in pediatric area too

in children. But yeah. So

I now work as, as I said, an intuitive eating and body image

coach, and I've been doing this for the last 8 years. So

yeah. Yeah. It's really amazing. And the last time you were on was last

year in January. This episode's coming out in January. We talked a lot

about healing our our relationship as women,

really healing our relationship with our bodies, and talked

through sort of what self love looks like and

how we can move towards body acceptance and and self love

at that deep level. And so we're gonna

kind of that's gonna be a little bit part of this conversation, but really about

creating a family dynamic that is

body Sative. And it it's not necessarily

fat positive, thin positive. We're just talking about bodies

and how they are. And so we're gonna

help parents, hopefully, find some room within

themselves to Accept and trust their

children's body exactly as it is right now

and however it's supposed to be. So let

me let me frame frame this up for us really quickly before we

get into some of the details. My vision as

a parenting coach is to heal the next generation in advance.

And I believe that we do that through how

we are raised by our parents now. And I

think about how many of us get to adulthood, and

we have to heal all these childhood wounds. And we have

to heal from trauma and insecurities and all the

pain. And so my vision is how do we prevent the pain,

over how do we give our kids the tools they need

now so that they don't have to unravel their entire childhood

and their experience growing up. And one of the things

that we are all healing from, a lot of us as women,

is our relationship with our bodies, and our relationship

with food. And so this my my

goal or my hope by this conversation is that maybe we can do some

work with moms so that they don't

create that pain for their kids. Let's talk a

little bit about Body positivity, I think

I would love for you to define that because I think it can be

it's misunderstood. Yeah. There's been a lot of pushback

recently on the term body positive.

Culture says that, like, 1 body size

equals health. And so that is, like, so ingrained

in our thinking as a as a whole, as a culture, that

when we say body positive, they immediately think

that, okay, we're saying that health doesn't matter anymore,

and that couldn't be farther from the truth. And so when I think

about, like, body positive, it's really saying that

there are no good or bad bodies, like, morally good or

bad bodies, that Everyone has a different

body, and that's a good thing. That's just like part of human

diversity, and we don't all have to be one specific

were not made or created to be one specific size,

and there's a lot of factors that go into

Our weight and the size that we are, some

things are you know, we do have some control of. This is something that

I share often with my clients, you know, who do come to me and they're

like, I, you know, wanna change my body. I always remind them there

are some things that we do have some control over, like, you know,

how we eat and movement and you know, I look at, like,

stress and sleep. But then there's a Large, large component,

a large, large, percentage of

that goes into our body size that is out of our control, specifically

genetics. 6. Like, I I can't name the

exact percentage, but it is, like, over half like, over

50% just like what goes into and

factors into the size of our body is genetic. Mhmm. And

that alone, it's like When we go Let me have a let me

just add to that because, we're both

referencing a little bit of this book that I read that Blew My Mind, Fat

Talk, which is, by Virginia Soul Smith. It's parenting in the

age of diet culture. And I think it was in that book that she said,

we don't Go to somebody, like a health coach or

something, and say, can you change the size of my feet? Right. Yeah.

Like, There's no place taller. Yes. Make me taller. That's what I was thinking.

Because my son, he's, like, desperately wanting to be taller, and he is still in

puberty, and so he can still be growing. And so that's You know, he he

has, like, hope, right, for that. But then there's a certain point where you

are the size you are, and you have to accept, Like,

my height is my height. Right? And but then

we don't always think we think we can control weight to such a

a different degree, and that that's sort of what you're saying is, like, there

are some things that are just a frame, like how big your

bones are or How wide your shoulders are. Like, your bones are

your bones and your the way your muscles distributed

and and that kind of thing. So Yeah. It's, like, even, like, As far

as, like, how your body stores fat Mhmm. Is genetic.

A large component of that is, like, genetics. So there's, like, Yeah. I love

that you brought that up because it's so true. Like, social

media, I see it, like, all the time. It's like these messages of, like,

Just do follow this plan, and then you'll lose this weight.

And it's such a it's it's just so

false. Like, maybe you do, but then your body will, like, bring you

back up to the way that it's meant to be. We're given this message that

we have a 100% control over our And that's not true. So so, yeah,

body positive is saying, you know, this is the

body that I was given. And just like I accept my

height or my shoe size, like, I accept

my body. And I I think it's also I think there's

another side to it too that's important to talk about. There I think there's also

kind of the toxic body positivity kind of,

message that says, essentially, you have to feel

amazing about your body and every part of your body in order

to Be, quote, body positive. And for a lot

of my clients, that doesn't feel possible or like a

like something that they could Achieve, and I always remind them,

like, it it doesn't have to be, like, feeling

or getting to a place where you are, Like, accepting of your body

doesn't have to mean that you love every part of your body, but it's

saying, okay. This is my body, and it's like

just being more neutral about it. And I and so I think that that's also

important to to mention as well. It's a journey, don't you think? It's

like My I I call this podcast become a calm

mama because I really believe that we are all on a

in a process, in a journey, on a path towards greater and

greater levels of wholeness, and that means greater

levels of self love and self compassion and self acceptance.

And so, Yeah. I might learn to

feel positive or neutral, I guess,

about some parts of my of my body. And then

there's other things that are still frustrating to me, especially

as I age, that I have new things to care about that that I didn't

care about 10 years ago, and I have new levels of learning

how to love my this this corporeal being, this

thing that I care around, you know, this face, Smile these eyes. This hair.

This whatever. I'm learning all the time how to love

it and how to be grateful for it. Yeah.

I mean, because, like, bodies I think this is another thing we're taught

in culture or we're kind of the message we get is That bodies

should never change. You should always have the same body. You know, our

kids you know, even, like, with our kids, like, they should just, like, you know,

have this type of body, but the truth is, like, our

bodies always are changing. You know?

This past year, and I feel like my body's going through another change, like, over

this past year. And I'm like, okay. Here we go. So that was like I

had to go back to, like, Alrighty. I'm you know, there were days

I was like, I don't feel like loving this. You know? I'm not

loving this. But, you know, you You it's something that you like you

said, it's always a journey. It's something that you're always, you know, working

towards, and it's kind of like a relationship with a person even.

They're changing. You're getting to know them. You know? You're always or with your spouse.

You're always learning more about your spouse. And, And your kids are

young, but you are gonna find, As they get older, they're gonna change

so much. I mean, they have changed a ton, but they're so little. But it's

like you are in a constant relationship with them and learning how to love

them deeper and know them deeper and unconditionally accept

them when, at times, their behavior's Frustrating or

challenging or parts of their personality show up, and you're like, you know? Not

sure. Yep. I like that part. And and so, yeah, I love thinking

of it as a relationship. So when we so we're

talking about body positivity, and we're gonna get into some strategies. But

body positivity came about because There

is an anti fat bias in society. There

is thin privilege, and that might be hard for some of you to hear.

But stereotypes and bias exists.

And as parents, we are

talking about body bias, and

how we know that if you are

fat, right, or Considered in a body that

isn't as accepted in society that you're at risk

of being made fun of, of being the butt of a joke, of

being passed up. There's a lot of of actual

indication that if you are that that

Ford VAT is being owned by by people. It's not

a derogatory term. It's really like an identifier, like white

or, you know, I have Tall or thin or a real Tall, thin. Yeah.

Fat, thin. Yes. Exactly. Tall, short. Right?

An identifier. But that there's a

lot of stigma and and stigmatization

of larger bodies. And I think as

parents, we see that, and we get afraid.

So we wanted to, you and I, just name that the

society is built

towards thinness. It it has a it has a value. It says

thin is better. And as a parent,

then we think, oh, I better do

everything I can to make sure my kid is

safe, and that means being in a thin body.

And that might get twisted up in our head because then we're like, I've

gotta put my kid on a diet. I've gotta make sure they move. I've Gotta

make sure they wear these certain clothing. And what

we're saying is we first, we just wanna identify that that is a

reality. And I don't know if you wanna speak on about

it at all. Yeah. I find that for a lot of people,

like like, when they first hear a message like this, Diet culture,

thin privilege. It's like now that now

I bet people listening will go into the world and start to see things,

like, culture. Like, I remember seeing a LaCroix

can that says, like, 0 calories, 0 sugar equals

innocent. And it's like little things like that. Right? That's like it's just your

LaCroix, but it's like those kinds of messages. Like, essentially, it's saying, like,

this this is a good drink, and then others are bad. Right. Like And it's

a good drink because it's 0 calories. Exactly. It's a good drink

because it won't make you fat. Exactly. Innocent. So we we

the the thing about Our bodies is we use them to

decide what's beautiful. Thin is beautiful. We decide what's healthy. Thin is

healthy. We decide what's moral. Thin is moral. And

so when we see a nonthin body, a

fat body, it's easy to say that's not beautiful, that's not healthy,

and that's not moral. Like, they're not they're not innocent.

Doing something wrong. Doing something wrong. Yeah. That's a, I

find that a lot with my clients is, like, they're doing all the things, and

it's So, like, it's so hard for them to see. Like, they're

doing enough, and they're doing it all right. Like, there's nothing

wrong. Like, A lot of my work is, like, helping them just to see, like,

you're doing enough. You're doing a good job. Well, the

goal, right, like, When we when we think about

what is our goal, is it health or weight loss? Right.

Is it health or changing our body size? Because we conflate the

2, and we think that health means small body. That's not

necessarily true. My mom, before she died, she had

lost over the Over 2 years, she died. She was

90 pounds. And when she got sick, she was a 145.

So she lost 55 pounds. She was a Skin

and bones. That is unhealthy. Sick.

She's sick. I've had friends who've had, dietary issues or or,

like, Crohn's and things like that that make them very ill, but they get skinny.

And then everyone is like, oh my god. What diet are you on? And they're

like, I'm on chronic diarrhea. That's what I'm on. Mhmm.

Absolutely. Yeah. Not health. You know? And then there's

other bodies that are the size they're meant to be, and they're fine. They can

move. They have Cardiovascular health, they're able to hike up pills

and do the things they wanna do. They want society is not always built for

those bodies, and that's not fair. Right? Like,

I don't know. I can't think of an example of, like, maybe ski Clothing size.

Right? Size. Yeah. You're right. But when we, as parents, our

if our job, right, is to raise healthy children. What

we're offering is that we don't need to conflate

weight and body size with health. Yeah. Well, it's hard

too when that has been the message. Not only from the media

and just, like, culturally, like, out In the world but also, like,

from people we trust regarding, like, our health and, like,

specifically talking about, like, health care providers, doctors,

nurses, they are just as much in diet

culture as as everyone else. And Yeah. I think That

also makes it hard to hear you and your doctor say, oh,

your daughter needs to lose weight. It can be such a different

conversation where it's like, I have no reason to worry

about my child's size, but I would love

to talk about their actual, Like, health. Like, if

my kid is having trouble keeping up, like jumping on a

trampoline or whatever, then we're gonna have different conversations

about Movement or, you know, bringing

in maybe more vegetables. They're seeing what they're willing to eat, more fiber, whatever. Right?

There are there are foods that support us more.

Like, in some of my coaching, I sometimes call them, like, power and pleasure

food, which broccoli can be pleasurable. So we we don't need to

put that Distinction, but for kids to go, like you know, some

foods are power foods. You know? We we eat them for for our muscles and

for our Her blood and her bones, and and we wanna

give that that mission to them. But what our hope is here

is that we're not saying you're you you can't be this

big. That's what we're talking about. That's not

the driver for getting them to For serving the broccoli.

Yes. Right. Like, I'm gonna get my kid thinner. And this, I

start to see in my work, sometimes

9 or 10, but mostly, I start to see it in puberty

when my my clients' kids get to puberty. I'm not a nurse. I'm

not a doctor. Anecdotally, though, kids seem to put on some

weight before they lean out, before they grow taller. It's almost

like when they're babies or, like, toddlers and they have those big chubs and round

bellies, and and it and it's like you know? The we

always joke, like, the organs are bigger than the body. Right? Like, whatever. You know?

But they're putting on all that weight because they're gonna lean out at 3 and

4. They're gonna grow a bunch of of height.

And so we their bodies aren't done in

puberty. They're just beginning to to get hips and,

you know, to to get muscles and to get, you know, all of these things.

So it starts to be scary for parents, and then that's really where I

see the diet culture sneak in the worry about my kid's

gonna be fat. And it's like, okay. Is that

bad? Like, what if that's okay? Yep.

And our what's your actual concern, health or fitting

in? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I think it is

to have that perspective because I yeah. And I know,

like, almost every single one of my client like, adult

clients. Right? Like, thinks back to when they first started dieting, and it

was always in their teenage years.

And Often, it's going

with their mom to a weight watchers

meeting or doing a dieter plan with their

with their mom because there's been a lot of hurt, the moms

listening. Like, they probably saw their moms Going on diet to pick that

up, and then we're it's it's very much generational. But, yeah,

to be able to just see, like, yeah, This is a normal like,

body like we said before, like, body change is normal. Mhmm. It's

normal, like, especially for kids In puberty

time. Like, it's totally normal. Yeah. I think people need to hear that.

Yeah. Like because, like, my my son has acne.

And, you know, there's treatment for it and things like that, but I'm not

like, oh my god. He's gonna be Rowan. You

have acne forever. Yeah. Or, like, I I'm just like, oh, he's a

teenager. You have more acne when you because your The

hormones are trying to find balance, and, like, it makes sense. I

don't freak out. I mean, I'm gonna serve help him because he he doesn't like

it, and he wants treatments and things like that, and, like, you know, whatever.

Go to dermatologist. All the things. But if I'm

like, Uh-oh. If kids aren't gonna like you with those big fat zits,

you're gonna be hurt. You're gonna you know? I I don't want to

Pass on the self consciousness or the insecurity. I actually wanna be

the person who's like, yeah. You own it.

Own your body. Own your face. Own your, you know, your pimples. Own

your brown hair, your blonde hair, or your height. Be friends with yourself,

but I have to go inside of myself and make sure I'm okay

looking at, like, how are they stacking up, and how is that reflection

on me? Are people gonna think I'm not a good mom? Because my kid has

blankety blank. Yeah. Mhmm.

And I'm trying to think here. Like, The

reality is, like, maybe some people do, but, like, I think it's

important to know, no. I I'm doing a good job. Like, that's where

that, Like, as a mom, that's self assurance, that's self-concept,

that's self confidence. Like, we have to really, like, lean into

that. Yeah. Because people are gonna judge. People might judge, and

we can't control that. Right? Like, they might judge our kids. They might judge They

might be like, well, look at this look at this little This little chubby kid,

mama's be just letting them drink Coke and soda and whatever and, you know,

eat sugar all the time. Or when you have a kid in a

larger body, and they are eating cake. And and

you you're thinking, like, everyone thinks that's all I let them eat is

cake. And even moms might even say, like, wow.

You're, like, you know, 2nd piece of cake. And there's so

much comparison and judgment, and We wanna

acknowledge and honor that that's true and hard. And my

goal as a parent is to deliver to adulthood

the most whole human that I can possibly

push out there. And that means whole on the inside and on the outside.

And that it's like yeah. People are gonna

say what they're gonna say. And how do we how do

we own, like, Their their body is the

exact right size. I'm not worried.

Yeah. They're learning. They're in a they're in a relationship with their body and food.

They're gonna figure it out. Yeah. I I'm wondering if some

people listening, though, because they're like I said before, you know,

it's so ingrained in our brains that Body

size equals health. So we said before, like, I

think if you for someone who is listening and

who Maybe you're thinking like, oh, yeah. I've I've, like,

put my kid on a diet, or I've, like Said snide remarks

or not even though it's snide, but maybe, like, subtle. Like, You sure you're gonna

have a 2nd piece of cake or whatever? Yeah.

It's coming. I don't want you to feel judged or this

is coming from so much compassion because there's such

a strong, strong message out, like I said already, from

health care providers And, like, the people we trust that and

everyone else that your weight equals your health. Your

kids' weight equals their health. And so I just wanna say that,

like, you're doing the best that you have known how up

until this point. What I would love to for people to hear, though, is

that There's so much research out there

now, and over the last, I don't know how many years,

that has come out to Say that, no, actually, we're wrong, that

weight does not equal health. Mhmm. So

there's a kind of another I I don't I don't I don't like the word

movement. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's helpful that there's

concepts and things and people pushing out new ideas. Yeah.

There's another concept that, you know, kinda goes along with the body positive

called Health at Every Size. I don't know if you've heard of that.

But, basically, what that, which

There's a book called Health at Every Size that I actually really like if

you want, like, a dense, like, very, like, looking at the research,

that essentially says, you know, it's not

our weight that equals our health.

It's the things that we're doing. It's the habits that we have that we're

partaking, and it's the, you know, eating balance. And when I say

balance, it's not like It's eating intuitively. It's like Yeah. It's

not restricting or Yeah. It's not restricting or having a plan. It's

really about Eating from all the macronutrients and

keeping a a balance in your diet and and relaxing. Enjoying the pleasure like

you talked about. And then, You know, moving your body regularly and sleeping well

and, like, managing your stress and all of that, those are all the things

that that's what impacts health. Mhmm. The

weight is just a side. Like, it's it's an

indication that maybe some of your habits aren't serving your

your health, but it's not the only yeah. It's it

it doesn't it can be, but it doesn't necessarily mean that.

Yeah. Absolutely. Like we said already, like, so many factors Go into weight.

So, anyway, all that to say, like, if you're kind of listening and you're

like, I don't know. But, like, my kid like, I'm just worried about their

health. Just acknowledge, like, that's the message that we've

gotten for so many years that weight equals health, but that's actually

not the reality. That's not the truth. So what, you know, I think you

could look at is instead of, you know,

looking at changing the body size, we can look at, like, what's

your kid doing? Like, are we eating, like, a pretty well balanced

diet and meal? Like, are we encouraging that? Are we bringing

that Into the house, are we, you know, making foods

that are gonna nourish our bodies as a family? Are we

moving? You know, what's what's What's going on there looking at the habits versus,

like, the weight, if that makes sense? Yes. No. It's good because

as a parenting coach, one of my jobs is to teach parents how to set

limits, how to have boundaries. You know? It

within an within within compassion, within empathy, within understanding.

Right? Like, Yes. Of course, you want to have another piece of candy.

Like, it's delicious. And it's my job to keep your body safe,

and I know that that you've that that you've had enough sugar. So you're

welcome to have 1 piece after dinner. You know, you can

set all sorts of boundaries, and

That isn't because we're setting those

boundaries to make them skinny or to prevent them from

getting fat. Like, That's the difference is, like, no. I

know their body. I am the expert ish. Right? As a parent

you're at least a grown up. You would know more than them. And so you'll

you know, just like you would about sleep. You'd be like, uh-uh. You're not staying

up till 11:30. You're 4. You're not

Love that analogy. That makes it so much less, like just

yeah. Just so much less, like because food just feels

Hard sometimes even for me, like, with my toddlers. Sometimes I'm

like, I don't know. Like

Well, because we don't Perfect. Like, we don't know their in their body. We don't

know we're not in their belly. Right. Right? And, like, we're not in

their, Their body knowing if they're tired or not, but there

is some sort of, we have some understanding

of what is, like, works best, you know, I

think as as adults. And if you don't, you can reach out to Victoria, and

she'll help you figure out what Is a balanced diet, and what does that look

like? And, you know, what does it mean to

intuitively eat? Like, if you learn it as a as a As an

adult, you're going to then trust your child's body

and hunger in that in that too,

and then work with me to set limits. Here we go.

Yeah. And so it's like you know? But I do wanna

reference I did an episode, I don't remember. It was maybe in the in the

summer on picky eating. And it really was about

picky eating and peaceful dinners and, like, how to handle food. And

I follow the Ellen Satter division of responsibility,

which is The idea of I'm in charge as the parent

of what is eaten, when it is eaten, and where it is

eaten. And the child is in charge of how much.

And so I I'm not necessarily going to serve Oreo

cookies and call that dinner because I'm in charge of

what is being eaten. I'm not going to

give them a giant snack

at the middle of a meal and then expect them to eat a meal later.

So That kind of philosophy is a helpful thing. We'll reference

that in the show notes. Yeah. Yeah. I use that as well, and it's Mhmm.

So helpful just, like, For myself even with my kids. Just

Mhmm. You know, like, I'm gonna provide this food, and you get to decide

how much you're gonna eat and if you are going to eat it. And and

And then I always have an option that's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

if they just don't wanna eat it. Yeah. You do. You have a little rescue

a little rescue meal in there. Yes. And that that's,

you know, preference or whatever. We can do that or not. And when they're

little, you wanna Manage hangriness.

Right? So you, you know, you wanna, like, kind of make sure their bellies are

full. But the the big picture is that

We are teaching our children how to have a

relationship with food, how to have a relationship with their body.

And In that, we have to get a lit we have to

do our own work to make sure that we're a little bit clean, as we

say in coaching, like, that I'm clean on

My perspective, and that might mean working with a coach, either

a health coach for yourself, your own body positivity, or working with a

parenting coach and saying, like, I want this, but I'm having my own blocks

here on how to how to

unravel my relationship with my body or my relationship with

food so they don't pass this on to my kids because

we want to be creating, cultivating this

home environment that promotes, like a healthy relationship with

food and body. And that's not always

it's it it's It's not always easy to do, but at least having it in

our minds, so we're hoping from this podcast episode, right, that, like, parents are, like,

walking away going, Am I cultivating

as much as I can a home environment that

accepts you know, that that promotes our kids' trust in their food and their

hunger and their body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One thing I always

tell moms is you know, who are asking me about

their kids and, like, that question. Like, how do I help them

have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies? And my answer is always,

It starts with you. You have to make sure. And it's not like like

sometimes that can feel like pressure, like, so much responsibility.

But It's like, it is just

a natural repercussion for our kids to have

that when they see It in us.

I know, like, for myself even, like, my mom

never told me like, said negative things about my body

or, you know, never told me to go on a diet,

and yet I developed a real like, an eating disorder.

And I don't say, like, it's not to blame her,

but I did see her talk negatively

about her body A lot. And her talk

negatively about food and, like, talk about calories and go

on diets. And so just like This is what kids do. Right? We they pick

up. They're like little mirrors. They pick up the the tendencies of the parent.

I'm learning that in my own just, like, Parenting

toddlers. It's like when I can stay,

like, you know, calm Calm. Mhmm. My emotions, which is I

I know, like, this why the work that you do, darling, is, like, so important,

but, like, I it's like that Taylor Swift song. It's like, I know I'm the

problem. I'm realizing I'm the problem. It's me.

Mhmm. When I'm calm and when my emotions are regulated, like, we have such

a better day. Yeah. It's so true. Well, they're

borrowing Our nervous systems, they're borrowing our

cognitive function. They don't have these abilities.

Right? They're immature. And so They're also

borrowing our boundaries, our the our values, the things we

care about, the things that are important. They're picking all that up.

And Even if we don't explicitly say it, they're just Yeah.

Brilliant. Yes. They are. Well, it's because, I mean,

ultimately, their need is to feel safe, and so

they look to the adults around them, and they get the clue of, like, how

do I feel safe? How do I work in this world?

What what does it look like for me in order to be

attached to my parent and be accepted and belonged in the society.

So they're always looking for clues because they don't get it. It's a little. And

they that they they learned from us.

Yeah. I remember a long time ago, I think it was before I had kids,

one of my friends Said to me she had she had a she has daughters.

And she said, I made a commitment to never speak of my body

in front of my kids. Mhmm. And

I think, you know, she had,

like, small fat body. Just if you get into the literature, those of you

listening, like, if you read some books that are just, like, Small fat, large fat,

like, different ways to decide describe fatness.

But, you know, she just had made this commitment. Like, I'm gonna

not Talk about this. I'm not gonna berate myself. I'm not gonna look in the

mirror. I'm not gonna talk about, you know, my hips and butt and

tummies and, you know, all of that in front of my kids.

And I kinda I mean, I have boys, and it's a little bit different. Not

that boys don't develop disordered eating, but

I I did own that a little I did own that too. I was like,

I'm just not gonna be berate myself in front of my kids. And

I've noticed sometimes my husband does it and

talks about weight or talks about wanting to lose weight and these kinds of thing.

And every time he does it, I bristle. I'm like, oh, don't we don't Don't

just because I can feel that they're looking like, oh, I should care

about this. This is yeah. Yeah. I don't

know. Well, let's get into some practicals. Like, what

parents are listening. They're like, okay. I'm done with anti fat. I'm good. I

wanna do it. I'm like, I wanna raise my kids in Self acceptance and self

love, and they're all into it. They love what everything we said. And now they're

like, but how? That's what they want. They're like, Victoria,

Tell us how. So you kinda just give us some

guidelines or some thoughts about that. Yeah. Well,

I think We've already talked a lot about just, like,

how you talk about bodies and bodies in the

world, Your own body, your kid's body, like how you speak

is gonna be really important. So we've already talked about that.

And then the other thing that I always remind

parents and moms is that their kids

are born intuitive eaters. Like, when we look at a newborn baby,

They are like the epitome of an intuitive eater. They cry and eat when they're

hungry. They pull away and, like, no more. Stop when they're

full. And so What I would want to just what I wanna just

remind moms and dads listening right now is that

your kid is like, that's their default. Their default

is that they have that instinct to be an intuitive eater.

And so I know this is really helpful for me even. Like, anytime, you know,

my kids are like, alright. Another I need another

serving. I want another serving. Or even on the

opposite, on days when they're, like, not eating a lot,

reminding myself even that, like, okay. Like, they know their

bodies best because even, like Like, yes,

I think, like, as far as parenting goes, we do create those

boundaries. Right? But, ultimately, like, they're the only ones living in

their bodies. Like, they're the ones that Feel their bodies, and it's our

job, I think, to help cultivate that for them,

help them keep that intuition when it comes to food by,

by encouraging them to connect with their bodies. I can

share a couple ways that I do that this with my kids. Yeah.

But Or on the other hand, like, maybe, you know, your

kids are older and they're they don't seem like super intuitive eaters,

you know, helping them to get that back because there's It's like a

muscle, and this is what I tell my clients. It's like like

eating intuitively. It's like a muscle. If you don't use it, you

lose it. And so the same is with our kids. We you know, when we're

kind of, like, pressuring them to, like, eat in a certain way

and eat this, don't eat that, oh, You already had that you know, already had

another serving. No more for you. It takes them away from

that trust with their bodies. It takes them away from Listening to

their bodies. And so what we want to do is help them

to either keep that by encouraging them to connect with their

bodies when it comes to eating Or help them get that back. So a

couple ways that we do this is, it's actually turned

into this really cute thing where, I started to just,

You know, when my kids were, you know, little and getting up from the table

and running around, and I'd ask them, you know, are

you done? Is your belly full? And I'd Yeah. By say by asking,

is your belly full? It helps them to, like, connect with their bodies. Right? So

they're, like, thinking, is my belly full? I don't know. You know? And it helps

them to learn. Okay. What does fullness in my belly feel

like? And then encourages them to,

you know, have that that, like, connection with their body. So,

you know, it's kind of cute now as, like, They'll run away, and they'll be

like, my belly's full, mom. Or, we were in Costco the other

day, and it was, like, a little bit late. You know, we were it was

probably, like, 12 o'clock, and my kids hadn't had lunch yet. And so they're a

little bit hungry. And my daughter looks at me, and she goes, mom, my

belly says it's hungry right now. And so it's just like

teaching them to I love, like, asking, you know, with little

kids, you know, have them think about, like, Is my belly full? Is

my belly hungry? You know? Asking them that question's gonna

help get them to connect with their body. So Yeah. I think Victoria why it's

so helpful when we put the food out and we say, like, this is this

is what is available to eat. Mhmm. Take as much as you need.

Yeah. And, you know, I think that parents get worried. Like, they're

gonna eat all the rice. They're gonna eat all the pasta. They're not gonna eat

any of the other things. And I don't

know. Like, okay. Maybe it's fine.

Just let trust them to Feel full, get enough

calories, get enough nutrients from that whatever you offered, and then move

on. But, yeah, ask you know, Trusting

that they're going to take what they need is is huge. Mhmm.

And I've found I've found as well with my kids that

When I like, when they do, you know, ask for another serving of potatoes

or whatever, and I'm like, but you haven't eaten your veggies or your, like, You

know, chicken. Yeah. But I, like, give them the extra serving.

It's been fascinating to see that they'll eat a little bit more of, like, say,

in this example, the potatoes. And then they'll go back to the other things.

You know, it's like and then also I think a good reminder for people is,

You know, when it comes to kids and adults actually is that

balance doesn't have to be balanced in that 1 meal.

It can be balanced throughout the whole day and even throughout the

whole week, actually. It's more important to have, like

Like, not every meal our kids don't have to, like, eat a

perfect balance, quote, unquote. You know, maybe

they eat, You know, just rice at a at

a meal, and that's all they eat or just mac and cheese. Maybe at our

next snack, we give them something with some protein. Like, You know, we can we

can incorporate that balance throughout the whole day or even the whole

week. So I think people get hung up on that 1 meal.

Yeah. Right. We just maybe the next meal, we don't offer

that type of food. Like Right. You know, we just

we're like, oh, no. It's this snack is just apples and peanut

butter instead of, you know, apples, peanut butter, and crackers or whatever. And it's

like, you know, this meal is just veggies and chicken tonight. It's not

there's no potatoes. And that is Our we get

to decide. I think, empowering parents. I remember a long time

ago, one of my first clients, She's like, all the

kids wanna do is eat bars. You know? That's my guess.

Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, so they eat a bunch of bars

after school, and they're not hungry for dinner. And I said, but just don't buy

bars. And she's like, what?

I was surprised that she had not considered that she didn't have to

buy bars. Yeah. And she was like, what do you mean? Just don't

don't have them? And I was like, correct. Like, you

are The adult, you have the money. You have the

car. You know where the store is. Like, you are the you're the

adult. You get to Pick. You I know it's sweet and it's easy and

it's lovely, but if I think if you see your kid

off balance a bit, then you pull back, and you you

don't necessarily need to always offer that preferred food. And that doesn't

mean but my Thinking I think your thing too is,

like, the goal isn't make them skinny or whatever. It's like, no.

We're gonna help them grow their palate, Get

better relationship with food. Trust food. Trust their

hunger. All of those things. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Or, like, what I do with the bar thing because my kids I mean, they

wanna they want to have, like, 5 bars a day. Yeah.

Is I'm like, no. Like, we're not gonna have a bar right now. You can

have this, this, or this. And I named 3 different other

snacks that they can have. So that also, like, it

empowers them to be able to, like they get a choice. They like the

choice. So I'm not just like, no. You can't have that. You have to have

this. I give them, You're not like, it's bar it's no bar. It's only

liver. Right. You don't do that.

And so they get the choice, but then I'm like, no. Like, We're not gonna

have a 3rd bar today. Yeah. It's okay to say no to our

kids. K. It doesn't mean like, on the opposite, it doesn't mean that

we're giving them an eating disorder.

Yes. Like, I think sometimes we we're afraid if we restrict, Then

they're gonna go over the top and eat overeat later.

And, you know, it's like, how do you create

a healthy relationship with with food and snacks and things like

that. And and that means having a good relationship

yourself with food and snacks and, you know, your own intuition working with

Victoria. And then just realizing that

you have you are the adult. Mhmm. And so you do

know best, and you can say no. You've already had

What? Piece of cake. Parents will often

say, well, like, they still go in the cupboard or they, you know, they sneak

Food and say, okay. Get then then book a consult with me, and we can

work through how to create better boundaries.

But the the The desire

for your children to to have snacks and to have sweets and things like that,

it's fast calories. It's easy to digest. It's easy to use. They're

growing a lot. They're going to be drawn to those foods, so we

do They're fun. They're usually more They're yeah. They're also colorful. They

taste you know, they come in a package a lot of times. Yeah.

They're sweet. They're pretty. So, yes, there's a lot of reasons

that, you know, sweets and snacks are attractive, and

and that we are Going to be needing to

set boundaries in order to give them opportunity to

grow their relationship with other foods.

So the limits doesn't create the disorder. It's the thoughts that we

have about food and about their body and those

kinds of things that really creates that. Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I'm thinking of, like, another thing that a lot of

parents struggle with is, like, the the sugar. Like, you were talking about hiding

food and Mhmm. Oftentimes, you know, the hiding

food and the, like, eating candy in secret or,

like, wanting candy all the time usually comes from

Restriction. Because that's, like, the natural kind of

backlash of, like, restriction is, like, wanting it even more.

And so, like, for our kids, like, I always,

you know, candy. Like, we have our Halloween candy in

are covered and have some Christmas,

you know, yummy peppermint bark that we just got from Costco that's delicious.

And I I let them like, I give them

I, bring it out, like, every once a

day, every couple days, and I'm like, hey. Here we go. Like, this is Like,

we normalize it. It's just like, hey. Here's some candy. Like Yeah.

You'd have a piece and not making a it a big deal, not making it

this off limits thing, which again, it goes back to

your own relationship with candy and sugar,

can play a huge role. But, you know, just kind of

normalizing it, especially if you have a kid who's, like, really hung up on,

like, needing the sugar all the time and wanting it and asking for it. Yeah.

I saw someone recommend, on Instagram, and I love this

as as the parent, like, bringing it out first before like,

Sometimes before your kid even asks. Just like, hey. Yeah. Do you like this or

that? Just normalize. Mhmm. Yep. Yep. I love that. Yeah.

And, you know, there could be there could be reasons that kids crave more

sugar than other you know? It's good to explore that and figure

out what Other emotional need might they be be having been met.

Maybe they have a lot of energy or maybe they don't have a lot of

energy in their body. It it there's it's good to explore

what's going on without necessarily,

demonizing the desire or demonizing

the food itself. I like how you said just normalizing it. You're like,

this is our peppermint bark time, and it's like, yeah. I

love that. And then I have some with them. Yeah. Yum.

I am like, I'm gonna go to Costco right now and get some. Very

good. Yeah. I love I love all of this.

Any last thoughts that you have that you wanna share that that we didn't get

to? I think we pretty

much covered it. I think I would just, like,

reiterate, like, That, you know, doing this work

yourself as a parent is where it starts. And,

You know, I think it's easy to just as moms, I find

it's it's harder to, like,

want to, I guess, like, invest in ourselves and

easier to say, like, oh, I just I need to, like, Get help for my

kid. Get a dietitian or get a Yes. Whatever, a coach or

a tutor. I mean, yeah, we're much more likely to invest in our children

and ourselves. But, like, the value really comes

from investing in yourself either Mhmm. You know, like, For parenting

stuff or, you know, with your relationship with food and your body. But,

yeah, it starts it starts with you, and that can be really empowering. You

know? Yeah. That's beautiful. Thanks for the reminder.

And this is, like, how I how I

wanted to close or what I wanted to say is that

When we we talked a lot about how the society is built around

thin privilege and antifat bias and

that diet should always focus on weight loss and and changing body

sizes. And so when we buy into that system and when

we buy into that distorted way of

valuing humans, then we are perpetuating it and

and continuing that problem for our kids and

for the entire generation. And so

if we could decide to stop looking at our kids as the

problem or their body as the problem, and instead look

at the societal's values as the issue, the diet

culture as the issue and the anti fat bias, but those are the

problems. And naming it and opting out of

it, That will free us

from our need to subscribe to it, to, like,

participate in it, and it frees our children

from needing to participate in it. And if we can all do

that as a whole generation raising kids, this next generation may

not have to go through this level of pain. So

Yeah. It's like it's it's just I know. Right? It's important.

Like, it's important on a small level, and it's important as a societal

level. Absolutely. The work you're doing is important for

sure. Healing healing women now, and

then they don't perpetuate this pain is is

our is our goal. Yeah. So Thank

you. Tell tell us how people can find you. Tell us how people can work

with you. We'll also put all this in the show notes. But Yeah.

So you my kind of hub for everything is my website. It's

victoriadashyeates.com. And I

also am on Instagram. I'm at nondiet_rn.

And, you can also listen to my podcast. I have a podcast I put

an episode out every week called the redefining health podcast.

So yeah. Perfect title because that's what we're doing. Right? Redefining

health even in this conversation. Yeah. So I highly

recommend working with Victoria. I learn a lot from you when

I follow your Instagram and, yeah, you know, look

at your your freebies. What's your freebie right now? What do you what do you

help people with? Like, just give me a little taste of what it's like to

work with you. Absolutely. Yeah. So you can get, I

have a free master class right now. It's called stop when you're full.

And I go into the six Reasons why

you are struggling to stop eating when you're full, why you are

overeating, and then how to you know, depending on what

Which one you struggle with? How to get better at being able to

stop when you're full? That's a super common thing that my clients struggle

with. So yeah. That's awesome. Oh my

god. Find that at my website, or, you can find

it. Maybe we I'll share the show the link with you if you want.

Yes. You can share my Instagram as well. Yeah. Okay. Good. Yeah. Stop when you're

full is so good. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Yeah.