Transcripts
TA. Ep 152 Grief and Growth: Personal Updates and Reflections
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Leigh Ann Lindsey: [:Framing today's conversation, today's episode. First, I just want to start by sharing some, uh, crescent updates, changes that are going on here within my practice, some exciting personal updates too, that are going to affect the practice in some ways. And then I have my. Sweet, sweet friend, Kelly, who's going to be joining us for this conversation to dive a little bit more into some heavier personal life updates.
or two. To share some quick [:The first is my beyond the surface course on navigating chronic stress, unprocessed trauma. This was a course I taught live maybe two months ago now. So wanted to update everyone that that is now available to purchase. I also made my realign your life course available to purchase as well. This was a private course I did with my clients privately inside the uplevel lab, my online platform that I am now making available for everyone to purchase if they're interested.
not going to go into all the [:I'll have some links down below. Likewise in the show notes for anyone who wants to learn a little bit more. But that is coming back August 10th will be the first day appointment bookings will be available. For now, we're just going to be doing these bioenergetic testing appointments on Saturdays, but the hope is definitely that we can expand into other days of the week and offer much, much more availability.
So check the show notes below. If you're new to bioenergetic testing, there'll be links where you can learn just what is it, and then also be able to see some of the sample reports of what these tests will look like, the type of information these reports will give you. Last exciting personal update is again, I've been sharing on social media.
ll be starting at the end of [:So there shouldn't be any other changes that I foresee as of this point coming into this season. But I am really, really excited to share this journey with you all through the podcast, through posts on social media of what I'm learning, the information, the journey, you know, my own emotional journey going into something so new and big and exciting.
Um, so I'm excited for you all to be along for the journey, not just to hear my experience, but then, of course, getting to share all of this super, super exciting information that I hope to be able to learn. You guys know the unconscious, the subconscious mind has been the foundation of my entire practice from the get go.
unconscious mind, as well as [:So again, check the show notes for links on some of those different updates I just shared with that, I'm going to pivot into introducing Kelly. So Kelly, there's so many beautiful things I could say about her, about you, Kelly actually first started the podcast Was and is a client, and it has been such a joy to get to work together and navigate and be a part of your journey.
r on today to help guide and [:And. A couple of things. One, I think having that safe emotional support to dive into some of these heavier topics, but two, I also think, you know, conversations are so much more engaging versus just listening to me drone on and on, and I know she's going to be able to have, you know, Really beautiful insight observations and, and help pull my best self out as well.
So thanks for being here.
Kelly Schmidt: what an intro. Thank you so much for, for everything from being a client all the way to working together and partnering and all this and just giving me the honor of, of hearing you. So thank you so much.
ou're such a light. You have [:Kelly Schmidt: Oh, honored. Absolutely.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: with that said, coming into this conversation, first of all, off air, we were talking about, I'm nervous. I'm nervous to go into this in some ways. This is very, very fresh still in other ways I've worked through. Many aspects of this. So I don't think I'm coming into it fully triggered with that. I might cry.
That's definitely a possibility, but also we were kind of talking about what is the intention? Why even, why even share this? Why even share what's going on in my life personally? And there's really two sides of that. One is for me, it's really important to be authentic and, um, It's, I find it's very hard for me to connect with.
distanced. And so that is a [:And just being able to share a bit of my journey in hopes that. That might foster more reflection on anyone else's end who might also be going through something similar.
Kelly Schmidt: Oh
man, I, I resonate with that so much. I think there's something really beautiful about knowing that the person you're entrusting with your own story, um, you know firsthand that they can, can kind of connect with what you're going through. And I, I really do think I've watched you, um, kind of process through some really, really Um, challenging, beautiful emotions over the last several months in a way that I think all of us who are your clients, your listeners, your fans, um, would really just love to kind of dive in with you.
So looking forward to kind of touching on that now.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: So [:Seven, eight years together, probably six, you know, together, six married two and a half years. And the last couple of months have just been a lot of conversations around.
Is this aligned? It doesn't feel aligned anymore. Can it become aligned again? And I think really what led to the separation was that ultimate conclusion of, no, we don't think it can become aligned again. And so, um, Where to even go with all of that, right? Like the last, that ultimate decision was made pretty much in May,
June,
I moved out, I got my own space.
ed every single day in June, [:There's such a deep grief. I think that first, those first couple of weeks, there was what I could only describe as devastation, like truly not being able to wrap my head around what is actually happening right now. How did we get here? Um, and I think this the nuance of what we're going to get into in this conversation is.
Where our minds go in super, um, pivotal, impactful times of transition, if you will, like this grief is a big topic, but, um, that's kind of the crux of what's going on.
ll back the curtain on a few [:Like there's that initial almost like blackout moment of like what, you know, where it kind of hits you like a ton of and then there are the, the confusing, You know, just like almost hallucinogenic days after where you're like walking in a complete fog And then there's almost like these beautiful moments that you don't want to be beautiful Like you're not ready to be like, oh i'm i'm seeing a little bit of like the good that could come from this You're not ready to even face that so you kind of shut the door on those and then you know, like it just keeps kind of snowballing and snowballing and um, have you felt like You've Kind of run the gamut of the human emotional span the last couple of months or where are you at?
I guess even now today, where do you stand emotionally?
Leigh Ann Lindsey: [:And also I think a little bit more of a unique situation in that both of us, him and I. On, on one hand felt this needs to end its time. And then on the other hand, both felt a little bit of, and we wish this wasn't true. So it wasn't, it wasn't completely one sided where it was like, one person is all the way in, one person is all the way out.
o much love and there's even [:But the first thought that hit me and this started, this brings up all the, how does trauma still play in my life was, okay, I'm going to be alone. And it was so interesting because the thought, the very next thought that came after that wasn't, I'm going to be alone and I'll be so lonely, which is, I think what maybe often is felt for me.
It was. I'm going to be alone and that is so unsafe in a very visceral way. Like I am not safe on my own. And so that was the thing that I feel like I had to workshop first.
Kelly Schmidt: Okay, so it's such an interesting take because I agree with you. I think my first thought would be I'm going to be so lonely and isolated and I now have lost a piece of myself that I can't get back.
ought was not that. It was I [:that? And what was kind of the initial outcome or what were the learnings from that?
up was, When him and I met in:This isn't okay. In a way that was more like loud and assertive than what I had been used to. And I think particularly because of the early childhood, I think sexual abuse and those things. I, that was something I so deeply yearned for at my core was like, I wish someone had been there to yell, scream, put up a fight, protect me.
of the things that attracted [:And where I ultimately got was this realization of, I don't even need that anymore, even though there's a hurt there, of course. And it's not to say that having romantic partners, friends, family, who can provide that as well, isn't wonderful, but this realization that without this person,
I
have built and fostered that internal protection.
ill equipped to create that [:Kelly Schmidt: think that's such a beautiful thing about relationships too, which is, um, maybe you knowingly or unknowingly came to the relationship with that need, right?
For protection. Um, but within the relationship, you built it for yourself. And I think that is the gift of a relationship, right? Is the ability to gather the strength and the resources. And try out, test the waters a little bit on strengthening our weaknesses or maybe, um, the areas of our, you know, our healing journey that need a little bit more time and attention within a relationship.
We can really develop that so that on, even on the other side of it, you know, so difficult to talk about. Um, not that you want there to be a time on the other side of your relationship, but if it comes to that. You really gave yourself a gift while you were in it to strengthen, develop that sense of, I've got my own back.
, and then now here you are. [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah. I think in truly, truly, truly, I would, I would not go back.
else who was more aligned and:He was so pivotal in allowing some of those ambitious sides of me to come out. And I do think that's so beautiful. He created enough of a safe space where I could go do some of this healing I needed to do. And so for that, I am forever, forever grateful and also at the same time, so grateful and proud of myself for taking that space and making good use of it to do some of this deeper healing.
So that when this day came, I wasn't in the same place I was before,
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah.
could have been if I didn't [:Kelly Schmidt: I love it.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: And literally the first article I clicked on, it was this woman talking about how she believes, and I don't totally know how I feel about this, but at least at the time it resonated. How she believes that we can have multiple soulmates and soulmates come into our life to teach us lessons. We're there to teach them lessons.
've learned everything I can [:And that might be me getting a little like whimsical with it all. But, and I think too, the hope would be that
Your ultimate
partner, you're always, there's always more to learn from each other.
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah, I was sort of thinking that too, um, they say that you're married to multiple people over a lifetime, right?
If, even if it's the same relationship, we all keep evolving, even if we don't mean to sometimes. So, um, yeah. I do think that there can be a long term relationship. The possibilities there, right? That you could continue to learn from all the ways you allow your partner and foster growth within your relationship so that they are almost a new person teaching you new things over the years.
learning and growth. How did [:I think, I think this is a really important question just because I think a lot of people are in relationships, not knowing, is this right? Should I stay? Have I reached the edge of what's right for me or my growth edge here within this relationship? How did you sort of come to the conclusion or how did the pair of you decide?
Um, and what were some of the, maybe the signs, um, that started kind of peaking in your mind? Like, ooh, something's kind of
o work. And so his was more, [:He's Persian. He, you know, English is a second language and a big, big one for him was really feeling like, um, now that he's been in a relationship with a non Persian for a longer time, realizing how impactful. Um, and so in some ways, that's, that's hard to sit with of, man, I really wish she could have figured that out earlier.
And then at the same time, it takes me right back to, but we needed these, this time together, cause look at how much I've learned. I'm so grateful for how much I've learned. And on my end, it more had to do with the depth of emotional connection and vulnerability that was accessible in the relationship.
this topic with, with shifts [:What it ultimately came down to was just like a very simple question. Hey, do you think, do you think you can get here? Are you willing to see if you could get here? Is there anything? And really the short of it being him saying, no, I don't think I can get there. I don't even know if that level of connection or vulnerability that you're looking for is actually achievable or, you know, realistic.
And, and so that was the crux of it for me was great. You just made this very, very clear. If you're telling me this core foundational thing I would like in relationship is never going to be what I would hope it could be, then I'm settling and I, I don't, I deserve more than
e question. It strikes me as [:What do you, like, but never really directly just saying. Or even just starting a bit, um, before that and getting really clear on what my values are, you know, and taking the time out of my, my life to make sure I'm super aligned with, with what that is for myself and then being able to articulate it that simply, this is what's important to me.
Is that important to you? And being willing to be open to what that response is. I mean, that's a really brave
as that simple at the end of [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: of it. In so many ways.
Yeah. It's like, yeah, let's not beat about the bush. Let's just get this out there on the table. And I tend to be very quick to action in terms of once I have the information I need done, you know, I I'm going to act on it, whether it's something in business, in relationship. And so. Truly within like two weeks of that,
Kelly Schmidt: I have found a
Leigh Ann Lindsey: place and was starting to move out and move forward.
And with that said, there's, I think, a gentle separation that's happening in terms of our emotional connection, the romantic relationship, transitioning that into a friendship, which probably that could be a whole other episode. Um, so it's not, it's not necessarily like a cut and now I'm never going to speak to you again.
It's over.
o a such a spiral when these [:I mean what a gift for both of you It's not always possible. But in your case, it definitely has been and it was right.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah. Yeah. And I think just coming back to what we're more, cause I did, you know, I, I went back and forth on, am I, am I not giving this enough of a go? Am I giving up on my marriage? Am I, in so many ways, I do think that there probably, in so many ways, it was such a great relationship. We laughed a lot. We were foodies and would try new restaurants. We would travel. We watched soccer together.
tle more than companionship, [:Kelly Schmidt: Yeah.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: I would rather be alone than in companionship because I don't need the companionship. Um, And so I would rather be alone than settle for something that isn't fully aligned. My entire life I would rather be alone than settle for something that's not fully aligned. And again, that also I think helped give me more clarity of
if I would stay, why would I be staying?
It would just be for the companionship.
ng. There's obviously a rich [: own? Or potentially, I don't [:Is what we're looking for possible? Tell
Leigh Ann Lindsey: possible?
Well, first of all, I do believe it's possible. In some ways, again, getting a little like woo woo. In some ways I feel like if there is a yearning or a dreaming for it, it's because it exists.
Kelly Schmidt: Oh man, I feel like we should just pause there. Cause I feel like that applies to so many other things, even outside our relationships.
Yes. What a beautiful thought. If the yearning is in you, it's possible. Yeah. Okay. Everyone go
Leigh Ann Lindsey: to that question. Like,
Kelly Schmidt: All right. Keep going.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: a yearning, right? you do
believe
Kelly Schmidt: Well, so I just think that that's a bit like, so if you have the yearning, it exists, right? So you do believe it is that, that there isn't, you're not necessarily saying, and now I'm committing to a lifetime of, of living alone in my apartment.
You're saying, I do believe it's possible.
eah, and, and should it come [:I
don't want to just settle in a partnership just to have a partnership.
I feel, I feel pretty confidently and I have a lot of peace on my own. Um, with that said, it is kind of funny because this week, very, very specifically this week, I think I felt the, to your point of like the layers with grief, each week, something new has come up to work through and sit with and observe.
ays like, what am I going to [:And I think not having that anymore. I did sort of underestimate how.
Soothing it can be to just have another human in your physical orbit.
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah.
Especially a calm one that you trust and whose presence, you know, you, you don't owe them any kind of entertainment or input, you know, I think that's such a, a gift.
So yeah, you've had that. And now to go without, you haven't mentioned this before though, literally
Leigh Ann Lindsey: up literally this week.
e nice to have another human [:And that kind of made me go, Oh yeah, he did. You know, we did provide that for each other in some capacity, but at the same time, even over these last few weeks before that specific realization came up, really prioritizing calls with friends, get togethers with friends, time with family to lessen the depth of that.
rt of starting to feel like, [:Um, and that scares me a little bit, um, for myself. Not, I, I really don't. I mean, I don't think of myself as like a self centered or selfish person, but there is some really beautiful things to be kind of gleaned and just the supportive nature of, of, like I said, having every single moment of your day, a moment that you get to craft for your own wellbeing.
Um, I haven't felt like that in a long time. It's been a beautiful gift, but how do I go back?
Leigh Ann Lindsey: well being.
Kelly Schmidt: you thought through that at all?
Leigh Ann Lindsey: beautiful gift, but how do I go back?
So like I said, gone through that at all?
g on my own, I get to decide [:At some point it might be worth it to have some compromises to have that, that connection. But again, like that is kind of what takes us right back to, what are the compromises that are worth it? And what am I getting? Almost like, this isn't exactly how I would want to word it, but it's almost like, what is the cost?
And then what is the thing I am purchasing with that cost?
Kelly Schmidt: man, yeah.
ere's the cost each of us is [:Kelly Schmidt: Yeah.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Um, so yeah, but it is funny kind of how quick, you know, how this week in particular going, wow, just to have another presence, just to have someone to, you know, I don't know, spitball things with and energy in the room.
I was very surprised because I truly was like where you were at, where I'm like, I don't know that I'll ever, ever want to make a single compromise again in relationship, but who knows, you know, in another month I could say I'm right back there. Yeah.
Kelly Schmidt: I think maybe that's just kind of the initial. I think potentially that's another layer of the grief, right? It's just like you miss the relationship. You might miss this person deeply.
can have a full cup to pour [:Best friend and cheerleader and nobody is going to take care of me like I am. And it's truly nobody's responsibility, um, but my own. And that doesn't feel like a sentence or like a, a judgment on myself. It just feels like, yeah, that's, that's the opportunity. And I would hope to bring that, um, as I move forward.
But yeah, I do think that potentially there's just this. Maybe if there's been a lack of that self priority, prioritization at times, um, that maybe as you move forward, you give yourself enough of that, you get into a rhythm of, of seeing the self and honoring what it's asking for. And then you start to say, Oh, I've got a little bit of capacity.
What, who do I want to add into this? Or maybe I'm ready to do that again. I think that's entirely possible. I'm just
ink what are the parts of me [:I think this is what so much of us end up doing. That part of me, I just started to quiet her and quiet her and quiet her. And that was the disservice to myself. It wasn't so much like, Oh, and I couldn't, you know, I couldn't do my self care because of him, you know, stuff like that. Or, or eat the food I wanted to eat because of him.
It was more just like this incredibly core foundational part of me, um, got kicked to the back of the
ch I feel like takes us back [:I just, I think a lot of the people around me who I see dealing with this, like, should we stay? Should we go? Question is just a lack of clarity on, on what is a core value to
Leigh Ann Lindsey: to them. Yeah. And to kind of come back to that, Cost benefit, you know, the benefit one, you know, and there were many, there were many, I want to be really clear.
Like he's one of the most selfless, generous, kind people ever in, in terms of this specific piece, we're talking about the, one of the benefits I was receiving was companionship. The cost was this core piece of myself that couldn't come out and couldn't be expressed.
Again, kind of ultimately going, oh, that's too high a price to pay for this, for
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah.
Although that takes guts to come to that conclusion.
Yeah,
Leigh Ann Lindsey: [:Kelly Schmidt: Mm-Hmm.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: I'm yearning for more. Does it exist? But realizing both are hard. I think sometimes we go. It'll be so hard to be on my own, um, what if I never find what I'm looking for?
But the reality is staying in a misaligned relationship
is
Kelly Schmidt: in a misaligned relationship is really hard. But that is a suck on our life force truly
so,
you know, I think then you see people getting to the end of relationships and they're exhausted and they're burned out And that's what leads them to draw a line in the sand. There's nothing wrong with that.
I think [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: human
Kelly Schmidt: but
yeah, I think it would be Obviously, it would be better if we could all maybe be willing to kind of call a spade a spade and say, the cost benefit, what is this costing me and is it the cost I'm willing to live with? So you know, as you look forward, um, or maybe as you've just been processing lately, do you feel like, okay, I've settled into this.
Um, we're settling into this decision. Are you feeling at peace or where are you kind of looking ahead to in terms of, you know, even walking into a new phase of grief? Like what might that look
Leigh Ann Lindsey: like? what might that look like? Yeah. Well, two quick things.
thing I do just feel quickly [:We're done. We're out again. Kind of that reiteration of we've been spending eight years coming back and coming back and coming back to these topics. with some semblance of growth. And so it really has been like, Hey, we've talked about this so much. We've done, we've done some things to shift this. Do you think it's going to shift more?
And also going, if the answer's no, that's pretty clear, but also it's not like if we've been trying at this for eight years and it still hasn't gotten where we'd want it to go or where I would, I would like it, I also think that's a pretty big answer to that.
Is another eight years gonna do it? Probably not.
us that says, I want to keep [:And I think that sometimes we shame ourselves after a relationship ends, like, why did I keep trying? Why did I keep pouring myself into this? But I don't think that's anything new. It's not something to necessarily be ashamed about. I think, um, it's a beautiful thing to keep trying and hoping in somebody when it's, you know, when, when it's right.
And, and there are good people to good people in a relationship. I think it's, um, it's a way we honor each other by saying, I have hope for this. Um, and yet I think it is sometimes very difficult and yet very necessary to say, and this is where I draw the line and everyone's line is very personal. To them and I think it's a respect we owe each other as we talk through the endings of relationships Somebody's line your line might be different than mine, right?
imit for this is my limit to [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah, and I think too, it gives me so much gratitude actually for him and his um, willingness to be forthright because I asked a very pointed question and he gave me an honest answer.
And I think sometimes what does happen in relationships because we don't want it to end is someone might say, Hey, this is a deal breaker for me. You know, is this aligned for you? And because they don't want it to end, they just say, yeah, of course, of course I can work on that. We'll get better. And when in reality, it's, there's a big difference between, I see what you're asking for and over time, I now have come to value that too.
And I actually want to become an embody that as well. Versus, you know, it's not within my values. It's not aligned for me. I'm just going to do it for you.
elly Schmidt: Is that like a [:You know, 'cause I, I don't necessarily think that people on the other end are being dishonest. I think most of the time probably they're saying, I don't know if I can do it. They're thinking, but I, I hope I can, I want to, I don't wanna lose this person and I wanna try to make it happen. Um, how can somebody kind of suss that
r example, with him and I, in: ionship and so much changed, [:embody all these things. And then what I mean by the proof is in the pudding is the last, you know, year and a half or so there's been some reverting back to.
That old self, those old patterns. And I think ultimately what I deduced from that was, okay, you, you didn't make those changes because to your core, you really believed that was who you wanted to be, and that was maybe a more connected way to live. You made those changes to get me back. And when that happens, it's just not sustainable.
It's just not versus I think when we make those changes, cause there really is something in me that is like. Wow, I see the value in this. I want to pursue this. That is sustainable, versus if you make the change just to appease them or to keep them, you're only going to be able to put on that act for so long.
Kelly Schmidt: for so long.
Do you think he would [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: I think so. I think in some ways, again, I think in some ways he might say, Um, I grew so much and the level of this that you're looking for, it doesn't exist.
Kelly Schmidt: Right.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: And again, like that was just where it's like, you know what, ultimately, because we've had so many conversations of me trying to convince him otherwise also ultimately just coming to peace with, you know what, I, I disagree, but I'm also done trying to convince you.
Kelly Schmidt: yeah, oh man, that makes perfect sense to me.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: So proof is in the pudding, which is hard, which is really hard to sit
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah, it is.
ly childhood abuse, you know,[:Kelly Schmidt: Right.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: the, the biggest thing.
So it really rocked me how devastating it was, how all encompassing it was, how there were days that I. Could not stop the tears from rolling down my
Kelly Schmidt: my face,
Leigh Ann Lindsey: which in some ways was very jarring because I do this emotional work every day. And for the most part, if I feel a little bit turbulent, I can re regulate and ground myself back in pretty quickly.
Um, so it did rock me. I was like, holy shit, this is wow. This is really, I'm, I'm out there.
Kelly Schmidt: taken aback sometimes by how intense it felt for you.
f what is happening, what is [:I am floating away in the clouds. How can I bring myself? How can I bring my two feet back on the
Kelly Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, wow, I wish there was like a magic pill for those early weeks of, of grief. I'm sure it would be over prescribed for everyone in the world,
Leigh Ann Lindsey: is
Kelly Schmidt: um, because truly the end of a relationship is just one of those, um, universal worst feelings ever.
I was like more hysterical, [:So I think that's an interesting, um, Kind of topic to add in here is that at the time I think we were like really deep into the pandemic and I felt very isolated and I wasn't working and I think the thing about grief is that it's It really does require at times an audience like we really do need each other to hold space in that I don't think it's an emotion.
That's should be felt 100 percent on its own because I think grief for the beautiful gifts that can bring and the truth also can bring a lot of lies about ourselves
And,
r us or what we left behind. [:not in a place where I had enough support around me.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: around me.
Mhm.
Kelly Schmidt: This last time around, I think I felt more resigned, um, more empowered to just make a decision for myself to not,
to no
longer strive to fit a slightly square peg into a kind of round hole, you know, um, and to just accept what was, cause again, a wonderful person who I respect and love immensely.
And yet, um, you know, I think when When you are asking the question, can you show up, um, and kind of meet me at a core level that is super important to me, and they're saying, I'm sorry, I can't. It is the most honoring and devastating thing to say, okay.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah.
we had that conversation and [:I think in the days after that, um, I swiftly reached out to, um, To my
Leigh Ann Lindsey: because I,
Kelly Schmidt: um, because I, and we've talked about this before. Sometimes I think I've had a tendency to want to like win at grieving or at sadness. Like I'm going to get a gold star. I'm going to do it. All right. I'm going to put all of my tools in play and I'm going to move through this and I'm just going to like get an a plus at the end.
Um,
Leigh Ann Lindsey: eight, all eight phases in order. Yes.
early days, like I said, the [:You know, you are, you are lost in In like so much, and I think even like I said earlier as well, like a cellular level, like your physical body is like, wait, wait, what? I'm sorry. This is where do not compute. Um, and I think that
it's just, um, it's a period where, like you experienced this, I'm sure as well, minute to minute things change.
You know, it's like the weather is constantly shifting in your home and, um, and so I really needed, I think, kind of the steadiness of some people around me, um, who I reached out to and didn't try to act like it wasn't a big deal, you know, it didn't show up like, Oh, well, oh, yeah, well, we broke up, just truly said, I am not okay.
need. X, Y, and Z. Um, and I [:the deep
end, you know, like I, I really tried not to fight it this time.
Um,
I think that was a new experience. Um, I think the tendency to want to numb away overwhelming emotions is also universal. And I wonder if you felt like that too.
Like some, sometimes he's like, sweeping you away feelings, you, you're just like, please somebody do anything to calm this storm. And yet I really tried to put in a real effort to
still in
Leigh Ann Lindsey: still in
Kelly Schmidt: Um, did you experience that
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah. And I feel like what I hear there is
something I talk about so often in sessions, right? There's knowing it, knowing what I feel, and then there's feeling what I feel. And sometimes we just have to go.
t going to try and change it [:I'm
just going to observe it and feel it and witness it.
And in fact, sometimes doing that is what allows it to move through so much
quicker.
Kelly Schmidt: fact, sometimes doing that is what allows it to move through so much quicker.
You know, those like early days as well nights, I should say rather where you're just, you cannot sleep. You are all jitters. You are just everything that looks worse at night. We all know that, right? Like the world always seems like it's collapsing at nighttime. So extra in that scenario. And, um, just laying there awake thinking like I hate everything about this and just letting that be what it was, um, was so difficult, um, for sure.
think I do feel looking back [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: and
Kelly Schmidt: And then moving out of that into, oh, there is a bright spot in my day and I don't have to, you know, hate that. Or it doesn't mean that I didn't love them and the relationship was a sham.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah, yeah.
Kelly Schmidt: Um, and so you kind of move into these like new phases where maybe you see a little bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. Um, and. And that is so funny because as much as there are moments where you see the light, you in other moments will turn around and just look back at the darkness again. Um, and I tried to just allow that to be
reorient myself to like, that's normal.
mal. I think that is normal. [:Leigh Ann Lindsey: you're in the tunnel or
Kelly Schmidt: Yes, right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I think those were the the early weeks
Leigh Ann Lindsey: it's making me think of two things that I feel like were very helpful for me.
One was, what I noticed is, I, I would get sad about everything else. Oh, work, it's, it's just so much, it's too, oh, my friendships, this or that. And I really had to pull back and go. Actually, that is, that is the sadness from this thing over here, getting extrapolated and spilled onto everything else and needing to just pull myself back and go, no, no, no, literally everything else going on in my life right now is amazing.
Best it's ever been. [:And sometimes I've got to go sit in the rain, but also I can walk out of it over into this sunny spot and be here and enjoy that too. My whole life isn't this, but I do think there's something, I don't know if it's like The neurobiology of the brain that often wants to extrapolate things onto everything.
I'm sad about this and, and I'm sad about work and I'm sad about my friendships. And so that was helpful for me to be able to go, cause I would start to feel like, what, what is going on? Why am I feeling so sad about work? That doesn't make sense to me. And then in puzzling through it a little bit more realizing, actually, I'm not sad about work at all.
hat is just like a spillover.[:Kelly Schmidt: Well, your limiting beliefs kind of come out of the woodwork in grief. They're like, it's like all of them are like, hey, and also, and this and that.
And I think, you know, relationship ending is a significant grief that tends to, it's like. It's like the king of grief that's like, come on over all of our grief friends, everything you've ever felt sad about all of your, you know, um, and then suddenly your house is full of all of the, the loss and the sadness that you feel like you've ever held, which.
You'd probably say is, you know, maybe some loss and grief and sadness about things that we need, like, need to process, need to let move through us. So in a, in a way, it's, it's kind of a gateway drug to like the rest of what we need to be addressing. Um, so I do think that these are really tumultuous times are huge times, and I think we talked about this a little bit.
Um, I really felt like I needed to dip in and out of
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Yeah, yeah.
Schmidt: Like no, I couldn't [:felt Until it was gone forever. I wanted to because I just wanted it to get out of there, scram, as quickly as possible. Um, and I felt like, well, if I dip in and out, it will prolong my grief and I'll be in this season for longer and I won't get to the next part of my life more quickly.
Um, and I really feel like that was not true. I do think that being able to have a job to focus on where I put the grief aside for a little bit, thankfully, or grabbed a coffee or dinner with a friend, and maybe we didn't really talk about what was going on with me. We talked about that, like it, those were little buffers that allowed me to jump back into grief with new capacity.
Do you feel like that was a similar
cause of the work I do. I am [:Kelly Schmidt: and physically.
d What is gonna enable me to [:And I watched so much damn TV in
Kelly Schmidt: shows.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: I ate so much ice cream in June. And, but I think, you know, a big difference is truly there was, there was an intention behind it of. I know I'm about to eat this bowl of ice cream right now because it's going to be so soothing. Great! Let me do that. But also an awareness and a discernment around, and I know that this is okay because I am going to go do that heavy lifting later.
those respites to be able to [:We're never then going to do that solving
Kelly Schmidt: right? Right. Yeah. And I think, you know, I think maybe for those of us who are You know, the path of healing and working through our, you know, maybe our traumas, our baggage, the soothing has become sort of like a no no, right?
Like, you don't get to do that. You must keep going on the rocky, Challenging path forward, you know, like almost like we have to have a hard time. Like it must be difficult in order for it to be valuable or for it to be real healing work. Right.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: to validate our pain, like.
If I heal too quickly, it must not have hurt that bad.
bout the relationship or the [:So yeah, I fully, I vibe with that.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Oh my gosh. This was so good. I feel like, you know, so many other places we could go, which will always be the case, but I think this was a good starting point.
Kelly Schmidt: thanks for sharing with
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Oh my gosh. Thank you for helping me facilitate this. I, this was so good. One million times better with you here than it would have been on my own.
Kelly Schmidt: Honored. Happy to.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Um, so thank, thank you for holding space and creating space for me. And thank you to the audience for holding space. Um, yeah,
Kelly Schmidt: More to come, I'm
Leigh Ann Lindsey: more to come. Yeah. I think it'll be fun. We kind of have some of these planned, these conversations between you and I, just to, whether it's talking about. My life, our life, things we're going through or just themes I'm seeing, but being able to pair it back and forth in a more intimate.
uctured. It's kind of fun to [:Kelly Schmidt: Yeah, yeah. Can't wait.
Leigh Ann Lindsey: Love it. Okay.
