Abuse recovery, healing, and faith collide in this powerful episode with author Andi Bull. Discover lessons from her book When Your Protectors Didn’t, and learn how to find hope, identity, and strength—even if you weren’t abused. This memoir-style conversation will inspire women to embrace healing, overcome imposter syndrome, and see their stories through God’s eyes.

Andi’s book transformed my perspective, showing me that healing is possible and biblical stories hold deeper meaning than I ever realized. Whether you’ve experienced trauma or simply battled perfectionism, people-pleasing, or anxiety, this episode will meet you where you are.

Timestamps:

(00:00) Introduction: Why this episode is for every woman

(03:15) Meeting author Andy Bull and her powerful book When Your Protectors Didn’t Protect

(09:45) Overcoming perfectionism, people-pleasing, and performance anxiety

(15:28) Biblical lessons that transform how we see ourselves and God’s love

(22:40) Andy’s childhood abuse and the moment she realized her “normal” wasn’t normal

(31:10) How imposter syndrome shows up in writing, faith, and life

(39:55) Discovering surrender through hardship, cancer, and God’s presence

(48:20) Paradigm shifts: seeing life differently and suspending judgment

(55:45) The power of sharing your story to help others heal

Key Takeaways:

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• You don’t have to be abused to relate to abuse recovery—perfectionism and people-pleasing carry similar wounds.
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• Biblical stories hold fresh, healing insights when we look at them with open hearts.
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• Abuse and dysfunction are not normal, even if they’ve been your lived experience.
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• Imposter syndrome can be overcome by embracing identity as a daughter of the King.
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• Sharing your story is one of the most powerful ways to connect, heal, and empower others.
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Guest Bio:

For over twenty-five years, Andi has dedicated herself to the study of God’s word, graduating from the King’s University with her Master’s in 2003.

As she read the Bible through the eyes of a survivor of traumatic childhood abuse, she saw how God passionately seeks the lost, gently restores the broken, and tenderly heals broken hearts. 

Andi became inspired to advocate for emotional well-being, not only for herself but also for the women she is privileged to mentor one-on-one and those she speaks to at conferences. The lessons and insights she gained are in her book, When Your Protectors Didn’t: Healing from a Past of Broken Pieces. 

Raised in South Africa as a child, she now resides in sunny Southern California with her husband, daughter, and pups. She loves her family, friends, pups, and coffee—lots and lots of coffee! 

Resource Links:

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• Get Andi Bull’s book: When Your Protectors Didn’t Protect https://a.co/d/5naO43I
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• Learn more at lesakoski.com
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Tags/Keywords:

abuse recovery, healing after abuse, childhood trauma, Christian healing, women over 40 podcast, people pleasing, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, memoir podcast, faith and healing, God’s love, When Your Protectors Didn’t Protect, Andy Bull

Hello friends.

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I had to get in here and

introduce this podcast episode.

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I think this might be one of my favorites.

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It's so good.

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It's for every woman.

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And so is the book that was written by

the author, who is my guest, Andy Bull.

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And the book is When Your

Protectors Didn't Protect.

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This is a two part series.

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So I broke our conversation in half

because I lost track of time and

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forgot that I was interviewing her.

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Her book was one that I couldn't put down

that I, I read in like one, one sitting,

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and I don't do that very often anymore.

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And it is about abuse.

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She was abused as a child,

but this is the thing.

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Even if you weren't abused, you

are going to learn numerous lessons

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and you're gonna be able to relate.

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It was, this book was life-changing

for me and it helped me see

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stories in the Bible clearer.

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So this first part is so good.

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You get to know her a little bit.

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You get to know me a little bit

better, and I talk about, um, how.

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I wasn't abused, but I had this idea that

I had to be perfect to be loved, and so

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I had a lot of the same feelings she did.

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We talk about how eye-opening it is

when you realize that what you are going

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through isn't actually normal and you've

always normalized it your whole life.

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Um, so it's an amazing story.

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I just, I'm telling you, you

gotta go pick up her book.

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Enjoy this podcast and tune in next

week 'cause I've got the second half

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and you're gonna love that one too.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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I.

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Speaker: Welcome listeners.

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I am so thankful to have you here today.

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Thank you.

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And it's just gonna be such

a treat because I've got kind

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of a new friend that I met.

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It's Andy Bull, she's an author and I

told her I read her book and could not put

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it down, and it's been a long time since

that's happened to me a really long time.

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Usually I get distracted

or I'm not interested in.

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It was so good and we're gonna let Andy.

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Tell her story a little, little

bit, but just so you know, this

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book will be in my show notes.

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It's called When Your Protectors

Didn't Protect, and Andy, I gotta

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tell you guys too, I'm a little jelly

because we went to Bob Goff and we

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got some assistance with writing.

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I'm like in the beginning stages, and

I see Andy's got a book out already.

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I'm like, what?

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How did you do that?

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So

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Speaker 2: welcome

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Speaker: Andy.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for being here.

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Oh, Lisa, you're such a joy.

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It's just.

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It's just my, my pleasure.

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I mean, we connected, I think we had a

heart connection the minute I sat down.

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Yeah.

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Near you and your husband on the couch.

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And to be fair to you, I had

already written my book, I think,

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did I ever mention that to you?

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I've written my book right

before the conference.

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I finished it, I put the final touches

on it and it, the conference was actually

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the carrot to get me to finish my book.

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I needed the last, um, push to get

that work done because, you know,

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as a writer you sometimes, you know,

it's self-imposed and, um, so you

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have to have forge the discipline to

sit and sometimes a reward is needed.

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And so I thought, well, I'm gonna

give myself this conference.

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It's gonna be my gift.

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And that's what got me there.

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So.

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That's how the book

came about at that time.

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Speaker: I love it.

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And it's so well written.

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And I came thank you to the, to Bob's with

the idea of what my book was gonna be.

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Yeah.

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And then I went there and I went,

wow, that would've been really bad.

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So glad that I got a little

bit of direction and how to

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make it a little more personal.

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But it is, it's a lot of work.

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And I keep talking to Bob 'cause

mine's a ways off and I'm, you

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know, putting timelines because I

don't have all day to work on it.

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And I don't know if I could.

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No, but Andy, I'm, I'm gonna be

honest with you, your book is so good.

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And that when I read it, I had

a little bit of that imposs,

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like, I'm like, I can't do this.

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Oh.

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Like, I, I can't write, like I

can't write, you know, I started

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doing that, but it's okay 'cause

I'm a daughter of the king.

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So however he wants to use this

book, if it's just to heal me, if

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it's to heal others, whatever it is.

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I can't wait to put it out there.

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Oh.

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But what I want you to know about your

book, and I wanna get into your story

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'cause it's, I know it's interesting.

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I want you to share whatever

you're comfortable sharing.

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Okay.

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But your book is kind of about

situations where maybe you've

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been abused, maybe you've had, but

this is what I want you to know.

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There are some of us out there

who had the same effects.

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Now I have like, good

relationships with my parents.

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Mm-hmm.

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Now, and I, I know that they want

it to do what was best for me.

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Right.

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And so I, I can give them a lot

of grace and, and as a parent,

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I want my kids to read this.

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You know what I mean though?

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Because Yeah.

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Even if we want to do it mm-hmm.

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The God way, the better

way things fall through.

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And I think my parents were

so concerned about how I was

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gonna turn out that they just.

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You know, probably kept trying to have

high standards and I fell into this.

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People pleasing.

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Oh, when I read your book, I was

like, oh, it was so healing for

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me and Andy, you have such a gift.

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I just have to talk about this one story.

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You have a gift with bringing up

biblical stories that I could see.

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You know, like that story about

the father who had two sons.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker: And the one took off

with all his money and Woo.

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Had fun.

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The other one stayed there and worked.

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I always had a hard time with that

story because I was always like,

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well, the guy that was there the

whole time, 'cause that's me.

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I am the son.

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No one's ever explained

that son to me before.

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Speaker 2: Working your way into

relationship with the father, earning

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his pleasure, doing all the right

things and missing the main thing.

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Speaker: Yeah.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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But when you told the story,

you looked at both sides.

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Yeah.

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And you talked about how the father

humbled himself to that son who had

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stayed there as well and came to him

and was understanding and loving.

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That's, and I missed that.

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I missed that all along.

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And so that was eyeopening, but that

wasn't the only place that was eyeopening.

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Oh.

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So I'm just like, this

is the best book ever.

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And the, the stories,

your story's amazing.

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Oh,

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Speaker 2: thank you.

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Well, can I backtrack a little bit?

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Yes.

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I, I would like to backtrack to

what you said about the imposter

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syndrome and your, and your story.

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And I wanna tell you that with

every stroke of the keyboard,

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I had to fight that myself.

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I, I've been a speaker, um, God

called me when I was eight years old.

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I wasn't even a Christian yet.

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I was 10 years old when I became a

believer, when Jesus came and got me and

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until Jesus came and got me, I hadn't

had a friend and I hadn't felt love.

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But at eight years old, I was

sitting on the bar stool of Peter's

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pancake house in South Africa where

I was raised, and God came in.

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He said, I've called you to heal.

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And I saw this picture of bright

lights in my face, and even at

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eight years old, I knew people were

behind those lights, but I had never

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seen anything like that before.

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My dad was a pastor.

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I talk about that in the book and,

um, behind those lights, knowing

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that there were people there, but not

understanding what that calling was.

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So.

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You know, we just try to follow Jesus the

best that we can and try to become better

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versions of ourselves through our lives.

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And I talk about that in the book as

well, empowering ourselves to become

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these better versions of ourselves.

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Um, but, um, so funny, so much I

wanna say to you about what you said,

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but I think really in that moment I

understood my Colleen was speaking,

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but I never, ever felt it was writing.

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I enjoyed scribbling poems and writing

little stories when I was younger.

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That's the extent of it.

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A gentleman la named, uh, Larry

Titus from Kingdom Global Ministries.

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He's, um, he's got this aesthetic

or understanding that God.

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God never said, we are

to build the church.

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We're to build the kingdom.

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The church is Jesus.

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To build, we are to be kingdom builders.

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That allows us to put our focus

on people and care about the

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things that God cares about.

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And then, you know, even in the Book of

Acts, it said any added to their number

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daily because they were, these people were

so full of love and gracious and kind.

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You couldn't help but

be attracted to that.

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So anyway, um, he asked me to work with

him on a couple of books that he was

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writing, so I helped him co-author those.

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And it kind of gave me sea

legs, so to speak, for writing.

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One day in the midst of taking

a break between chapters for him

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to see what we'd been working on.

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The first story in my book poured

out about my dad repenting to me

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on his deathbed for abusing me.

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And I thought, what is this?

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What is this?

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And I thought, could I,

could I take it from here?

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And so I began to write and I got

a lot of words, you know, there's a

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lot of focus and pressure on writers.

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You've gotta have this many

words, that many words.

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But I had a lot of words and I

felt God interrupt my writing.

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I was about 80% done with a book.

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He said, it's too theological, he said,

and then he showed me a picture of a

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woman in a coffee shop reading my book.

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And I didn't know what that meant.

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And I was frustrated.

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Did she look

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Speaker: like me, Andy?

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Speaker 2: Well, she

was as beautiful as you.

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And so she, she was reading

my book, but she was getting

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through it in one in one sitting.

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And the, and the Lord said to

me, I want women to be able

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to plow through this book.

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And I thought, well,

this book is not plow.

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It's not, I have chills.

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I have chills.

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Me.

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00:11:04,992 --> 00:11:05,472

Me too.

215

00:11:05,472 --> 00:11:07,842

And that's weird because

it's like my story, but

216

00:11:10,362 --> 00:11:12,672

so I thought, what is that?

217

00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,672

So it was kind of cranky, you know,

kinda get cranky with God sometimes.

218

00:11:15,672 --> 00:11:18,132

And I like, darn it, you couldn't

have told me this when I was,

219

00:11:18,132 --> 00:11:19,872

you know, 20% into the book.

220

00:11:20,202 --> 00:11:23,982

But what he had done was he had

given me a lot of content and I came

221

00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:28,122

home and I sat with that word and

I thought, what do I do with this?

222

00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,942

And a friend told me, she said, Andy,

you're all about just sitting with

223

00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:33,102

women one-on-one in coffee shops.

224

00:11:33,102 --> 00:11:36,522

Yes, I like to speak and I felt

comfortable doing that, but God had

225

00:11:36,522 --> 00:11:40,842

called me away from the stage during

this time completely addressing

226

00:11:41,262 --> 00:11:44,682

areas of identity that I might've

gotten from speaking or whatever.

227

00:11:44,742 --> 00:11:47,862

You know, I'd felt like,

okay, this is my identity.

228

00:11:47,862 --> 00:11:50,772

I pulled away all of that stuff

during these years that he had

229

00:11:50,772 --> 00:11:55,362

me silent and um, asked me to

write was very humbling journey.

230

00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:58,362

And I did fight imposter

syndrome the whole way through.

231

00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:01,902

Finally, I realized I do sit with women.

232

00:12:02,277 --> 00:12:05,817

And have coffee with them on

almost on the daily sometimes.

233

00:12:06,237 --> 00:12:11,247

And I just wanna talk to them like

you're talking to me on this podcast.

234

00:12:11,247 --> 00:12:11,307

Yeah.

235

00:12:11,307 --> 00:12:16,647

Just authentically real, like a big

sister, like a mom, like an aunt.

236

00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:20,727

Just be somebody they

can trust in the pages.

237

00:12:20,997 --> 00:12:24,147

Once I got that, I went back,

I stripped everything out.

238

00:12:24,357 --> 00:12:27,297

The book's not like super long.

239

00:12:27,777 --> 00:12:30,447

Um, but it is congruent.

240

00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:35,817

And so I just wanna encourage you that

your book is gonna be all that and

241

00:12:35,817 --> 00:12:38,727

more because of who you are already.

242

00:12:39,177 --> 00:12:41,577

It's gonna come out through your words.

243

00:12:41,877 --> 00:12:42,387

Speaker: Thank you.

244

00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,437

I appreciate that.

245

00:12:43,437 --> 00:12:46,257

And I think I could get teary eyed.

246

00:12:46,257 --> 00:12:51,927

I think the thing that is pulling me

through this that I've never had before in

247

00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:57,447

my life and I always, you know, like you

talk about you met Jesus on that stool.

248

00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,477

I don't know, I kinda always felt that.

249

00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:02,652

I don't even really

remember when I didn't.

250

00:13:02,652 --> 00:13:04,722

I was so alone, but I always felt him.

251

00:13:05,022 --> 00:13:05,262

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

252

00:13:05,292 --> 00:13:05,682

But I

253

00:13:05,682 --> 00:13:11,952

Speaker: don't think I got surrendering

to him until I went through my

254

00:13:11,952 --> 00:13:15,732

heart, you know, my heart stage

one catch of that breast cancer,

255

00:13:15,972 --> 00:13:18,162

which was miraculous but scary.

256

00:13:18,612 --> 00:13:18,792

Yeah.

257

00:13:18,852 --> 00:13:25,812

And that was when I surrendered

to him and then I go, Hey, I might

258

00:13:25,812 --> 00:13:29,112

not be able to write this book,

but I'm a daughter of the king.

259

00:13:29,382 --> 00:13:29,982

That's right.

260

00:13:30,192 --> 00:13:33,792

And that is the thought that is

pulling me through that I need to

261

00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:40,362

keep going back to, yeah, he can use

this for whatever purpose he wants.

262

00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,592

And I'm good with that.

263

00:13:41,682 --> 00:13:45,047

I'm just good with that, you know?

264

00:13:45,047 --> 00:13:45,972

And I'm not kidding.

265

00:13:45,972 --> 00:13:49,572

Like even if it's just meeting

great people and healing, I'm good.

266

00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:50,562

Speaker 2: Yes.

267

00:13:50,592 --> 00:13:52,272

Yeah, that's what I asked Jesus.

268

00:13:52,272 --> 00:13:55,872

I said, listen, I may not be the

best writer, but what I do know

269

00:13:55,872 --> 00:13:59,682

is I can give this to you and ask

this to be my passport, to take

270

00:13:59,682 --> 00:14:01,692

me to the woman who needs the hug.

271

00:14:01,692 --> 00:14:01,752

Yeah.

272

00:14:02,082 --> 00:14:04,482

Who needs to be seen.

273

00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:04,542

Yeah.

274

00:14:04,872 --> 00:14:10,842

And the whole book is about that

God sees you, you know, in those

275

00:14:10,842 --> 00:14:14,772

moments of despair that you talked

about with being a survivor of breast

276

00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:17,322

cancer and these hard, hard things.

277

00:14:17,742 --> 00:14:22,422

You know, we think, uh, you know, a

lot of times there's this misnomer

278

00:14:22,422 --> 00:14:26,832

that once we become a believer, you

know, that life just gets better.

279

00:14:27,222 --> 00:14:30,042

What I always think about

is now it, it stays.

280

00:14:30,222 --> 00:14:33,222

It's hard all the way through.

281

00:14:33,492 --> 00:14:34,092

It's hard.

282

00:14:34,542 --> 00:14:38,082

But we have this, um.

283

00:14:38,157 --> 00:14:45,417

A beautiful creator and friend who's

with us, his name Emmanuel, God with us.

284

00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:49,497

He wants to be present with us and

help us to get through that hard.

285

00:14:49,617 --> 00:14:55,797

And when I met him at, um, at, in

a remarkable experience, uh, I was

286

00:14:56,187 --> 00:15:00,207

10 years old and I was sitting in

this youth group and I was there.

287

00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:01,197

I didn't wanna be there.

288

00:15:01,677 --> 00:15:04,647

Um, but as the preacher's kid, you

know, we showed up to everything.

289

00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:10,617

And, uh, this woman who was a famous South

African actress, was giving her testimony.

290

00:15:11,487 --> 00:15:13,047

She didn't say anything theological.

291

00:15:13,047 --> 00:15:14,787

She just said, Jesus can be your friend.

292

00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:19,467

And honestly, Lisa, in that moment,

she disappeared and I saw Jesus.

293

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:27,597

And I just ran up to him and I said,

I wanna, I wanna be a Christian.

294

00:15:28,497 --> 00:15:31,017

And it was March 5th, 1976.

295

00:15:31,077 --> 00:15:31,917

I love that.

296

00:15:32,292 --> 00:15:33,222

Nearly What?

297

00:15:33,222 --> 00:15:35,052

That's 50 years next year.

298

00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:35,412

Speaker 3: Wow.

299

00:15:35,772 --> 00:15:39,972

Speaker 2: And I didn't walk my journey

out perfectly because I've been abused.

300

00:15:40,332 --> 00:15:43,872

I developed a lot of very

poor coping mechanisms.

301

00:15:44,082 --> 00:15:44,172

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

302

00:15:44,412 --> 00:15:49,482

Speaker 2: I didn't understand that

my body was my own and that I could

303

00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,762

have boundaries around myself.

304

00:15:52,182 --> 00:15:54,222

I didn't understand about boundaries.

305

00:15:54,222 --> 00:15:55,782

I was extremely codependent.

306

00:15:55,782 --> 00:15:59,862

I grew up with something that you

referenced, which was this dreadful

307

00:15:59,862 --> 00:16:03,972

performance anxiety, feeling like

I had to be good all the time.

308

00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:08,622

And when you feel like you have to be good

all the time, what happens is that all

309

00:16:08,622 --> 00:16:11,022

the bad, and I say that in quotes, right?

310

00:16:11,472 --> 00:16:16,512

Which is usually just normal behavior that

God wants to grow your character through.

311

00:16:16,992 --> 00:16:18,732

I would hide all of that.

312

00:16:18,857 --> 00:16:19,277

Mm-hmm.

313

00:16:19,362 --> 00:16:23,742

And shove that away because those

were the parts of me nobody could see.

314

00:16:24,132 --> 00:16:26,472

So I was living this life that was.

315

00:16:27,372 --> 00:16:29,232

Not congruent, not authentic.

316

00:16:29,232 --> 00:16:32,292

I didn't even know where to begin.

317

00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:38,052

And something important that I talk about

in the book is this experience that I

318

00:16:38,052 --> 00:16:42,012

had with seeing normal in chapter one.

319

00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:43,152

Yep.

320

00:16:43,947 --> 00:16:44,237

Yeah.

321

00:16:45,987 --> 00:16:52,317

So I remember the moment so clearly I

was with my dear girlfriend in college.

322

00:16:53,247 --> 00:16:58,377

Her mama had invited us home and

I, I was too far, I lived too far

323

00:16:58,377 --> 00:17:01,887

away to be able to get to my house.

324

00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,837

So my friend said, come on home with me.

325

00:17:04,077 --> 00:17:04,916

You know, she's from Texas.

326

00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,297

Come on home, y'all come on home.

327

00:17:06,297 --> 00:17:07,017

Pile in the car.

328

00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:09,176

It was, didn't matter how many of us.

329

00:17:09,176 --> 00:17:10,257

And I was like, are you sure?

330

00:17:10,257 --> 00:17:10,497

Sure.

331

00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:11,097

This is okay.

332

00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:12,777

Is your mom gonna be all right with this?

333

00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:13,257

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

334

00:17:13,497 --> 00:17:14,577

Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.

335

00:17:14,577 --> 00:17:17,007

Come on, y'all come down, have

Thanksgiving with my mama.

336

00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,527

So I, we drove down to her mama's house.

337

00:17:19,527 --> 00:17:23,757

Her mama was there on the porch of

this little tiny house in Galveston.

338

00:17:24,446 --> 00:17:28,857

Just couldn't wait to see us, you

know, embraced us in our arms.

339

00:17:28,857 --> 00:17:32,427

The minute that I met her, I felt so safe.

340

00:17:32,847 --> 00:17:36,777

And, um, I think I tell the story in the

book that I, I was sleeping in the living

341

00:17:36,777 --> 00:17:39,777

room because there weren't in enough

beds and it was also the laundry room.

342

00:17:39,822 --> 00:17:43,002

It kind of, you know, discreetly

tucked behind these doors.

343

00:17:43,602 --> 00:17:46,842

And, uh, she came out in the

morning, she had my la the

344

00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:48,312

laundry basket balanced on my hip.

345

00:17:48,312 --> 00:17:49,962

She had folded all my laundry.

346

00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:57,522

She was holding up my bra and

scraps we're like six miles long.

347

00:17:57,522 --> 00:18:01,482

And she said, child, what have

you been doing to your bras?

348

00:18:02,892 --> 00:18:08,052

I'm like, she's holding my bra in

her hands and I'm okay with it.

349

00:18:08,682 --> 00:18:12,612

It was this, I'm okay with

the fact that she's talking

350

00:18:12,612 --> 00:18:14,472

to me about something private.

351

00:18:15,192 --> 00:18:17,442

And that whole week we just sat around.

352

00:18:18,012 --> 00:18:22,602

There was no performance, there

was no show, there was no judgment.

353

00:18:22,992 --> 00:18:25,632

She just laughed at all of our antics.

354

00:18:26,112 --> 00:18:30,042

Um, my friend just, you know, we could

come and go out of the kitchen as we

355

00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,682

pleased we could do whatever we want.

356

00:18:32,682 --> 00:18:36,672

She, she thought we were

these just delightful humans.

357

00:18:37,272 --> 00:18:38,892

And, um.

358

00:18:39,417 --> 00:18:44,757

When we left her home that weekend, I was

driving home with my girlfriend in the

359

00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:48,447

car and um, as you know, you've read this?

360

00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:48,747

Yes.

361

00:18:48,807 --> 00:18:52,767

But I turned to her

and I said, um, Adrian.

362

00:18:52,767 --> 00:18:57,357

I said, is it, is it always like

that in your house or is that an act?

363

00:18:57,387 --> 00:19:01,047

Because, you know, we had

to put on a show, you know?

364

00:19:01,317 --> 00:19:01,707

Yes.

365

00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:05,217

In our house and we were

the preacher's family.

366

00:19:06,327 --> 00:19:08,277

We could not have anything wrong with us.

367

00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,447

We needed to be perfect.

368

00:19:09,837 --> 00:19:14,007

So it didn't matter if all hell broke

loose the night before in our house.

369

00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,057

We showed up.

370

00:19:15,657 --> 00:19:22,377

The next day with smiles on our faces and

just stuff, stuff stuffing all of this.

371

00:19:22,827 --> 00:19:23,127

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

372

00:19:23,817 --> 00:19:27,747

Speaker 2: Torment all of this

pain, all of this dysfunction.

373

00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:32,247

And, um, nobody, nobody

knew we did it really well.

374

00:19:32,457 --> 00:19:35,247

And I learned to be very

good at putting on that face.

375

00:19:35,847 --> 00:19:39,327

So she said, I said, is it like

that or is that just an act?

376

00:19:39,327 --> 00:19:40,227

And she said, no.

377

00:19:41,277 --> 00:19:42,597

She said, that's just us.

378

00:19:43,077 --> 00:19:49,077

And um, so I started to share

with her 17 years old things that

379

00:19:49,077 --> 00:19:50,937

I'd never told anybody before.

380

00:19:50,967 --> 00:19:51,267

Speaker 4: Yeah.

381

00:19:52,137 --> 00:19:53,247

Speaker 2: Just a few things.

382

00:19:53,337 --> 00:19:58,137

And she said, Andy, you were abused.

383

00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:06,717

And I, I was shocked because back then

that word abuse, it was a very big word.

384

00:20:07,107 --> 00:20:07,677

It's not.

385

00:20:08,142 --> 00:20:12,492

As big these days, but it

was a very big word then.

386

00:20:12,552 --> 00:20:12,642

Mm-hmm.

387

00:20:12,882 --> 00:20:17,352

To say you had been abused was, you

know, to put you in this category

388

00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:21,342

that people had thought of and

you, you better be careful with

389

00:20:21,342 --> 00:20:23,327

that accusation, kind of, you know.

390

00:20:23,327 --> 00:20:28,332

Speaker: Well, and was there any

part of you, um, I don't know why I'm

391

00:20:28,332 --> 00:20:31,272

tying this to the cancer diagnosis.

392

00:20:32,202 --> 00:20:35,562

I kind of like, I didn't

wanna be in that club.

393

00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:37,122

Exactly.

394

00:20:37,122 --> 00:20:37,872

Does that make sense?

395

00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:41,082

I didn't want to be, did you feel

like, I don't wanna be someone

396

00:20:41,082 --> 00:20:42,732

that's abused, I'm perfect.

397

00:20:43,632 --> 00:20:51,522

Speaker 2: I didn't feel that I, although

I can't, that's such an amazing connection

398

00:20:51,552 --> 00:20:56,202

that God would use that to draw that into

what you had to go through, you know?

399

00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:56,922

Speaker: Right.

400

00:20:57,012 --> 00:20:58,032

Speaker 2: He's so amazing.

401

00:20:58,062 --> 00:20:59,562

The Holy Spirit is so amazing.

402

00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:06,432

I know the way he works and I think

my feeling in that moment was shock.

403

00:21:07,077 --> 00:21:10,077

That I'd, I was, I'd been abused.

404

00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:11,427

Well, okay.

405

00:21:11,427 --> 00:21:13,257

That it wasn't, that it wasn't normal.

406

00:21:13,257 --> 00:21:13,347

Yes.

407

00:21:13,947 --> 00:21:14,967

What I up with,

408

00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:16,467

Speaker: do you know what I mean?

409

00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:17,337

Oh my gosh.

410

00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:17,577

Okay.

411

00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:22,227

So Andy, this is what I have to

tell you when I read that piece.

412

00:21:22,437 --> 00:21:22,677

Yeah.

413

00:21:22,707 --> 00:21:28,197

It hit me because I remember I have been,

I've had, I've been filled, I've been

414

00:21:28,197 --> 00:21:31,407

running on in the red zone my whole life.

415

00:21:31,407 --> 00:21:32,427

Like, ugh.

416

00:21:32,427 --> 00:21:36,747

So intense and tight and worried about

everything and trying to be the best.

417

00:21:36,747 --> 00:21:38,517

And it's anxiety, right?

418

00:21:38,517 --> 00:21:38,577

Yeah.

419

00:21:38,607 --> 00:21:44,787

I have anxiety, and I remember just

through this diagnosis, I remember

420

00:21:44,787 --> 00:21:48,207

talking to my mom, who also has anxiety.

421

00:21:48,657 --> 00:21:50,367

I never, nobody, you know what I mean?

422

00:21:50,372 --> 00:21:51,082

Nobody talk.

423

00:21:51,297 --> 00:21:51,777

Nobody knew it.

424

00:21:51,942 --> 00:21:52,497

No, no.

425

00:21:52,587 --> 00:21:56,277

Well, and then, so I'm telling her

how I'm feeling and she says, well,

426

00:21:56,277 --> 00:21:57,627

I think anyone would feel that way.

427

00:21:57,627 --> 00:21:58,887

I think anyone would be anxious.

428

00:21:58,887 --> 00:22:01,917

And suddenly one day I

went, mom, you're wrong.

429

00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:04,527

You're wrong because my hubby.

430

00:22:05,322 --> 00:22:07,907

He doesn't like sit

and spin out, you know,

431

00:22:10,092 --> 00:22:13,272

like I'm spinning out and things I

don't need to spin out on, you know?

432

00:22:13,272 --> 00:22:13,332

Yeah.

433

00:22:14,052 --> 00:22:18,402

And when you brought that up, that

was an aha moment for me of, wait a

434

00:22:18,402 --> 00:22:21,342

minute, this isn't how people live.

435

00:22:21,462 --> 00:22:22,182

Speaker 2: No.

436

00:22:22,332 --> 00:22:24,852

Isn't it this paradigm shift?

437

00:22:24,972 --> 00:22:25,842

I mean, yes.

438

00:22:25,932 --> 00:22:30,732

Such, I remember this one time so

distinctly I was at a shopping center.

439

00:22:30,762 --> 00:22:33,312

It's a little bit of a tangent

story, but that's okay.

440

00:22:33,312 --> 00:22:33,747

We do that.

441

00:22:34,027 --> 00:22:35,022

Boy, we love a story.

442

00:22:35,202 --> 00:22:36,132

We love a story.

443

00:22:37,812 --> 00:22:38,622

I was so funny.

444

00:22:38,802 --> 00:22:42,852

One time I got, I got absolutely

hammered by this very precious but

445

00:22:42,852 --> 00:22:47,112

religious woman for preaching with

a lot of stories and um, yeah.

446

00:22:48,552 --> 00:22:51,492

I went home and Jesus,

Jesus was so good to me.

447

00:22:51,492 --> 00:22:55,062

God just told me, he said,

my son used stories right.

448

00:22:55,062 --> 00:22:56,052

You're, you're all good.

449

00:22:56,682 --> 00:22:59,652

So anyway, from then on, I was

like, all right, I'm all good.

450

00:23:00,702 --> 00:23:04,842

People may not get the real, the real

nugget, but they'll get a good story.

451

00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:12,012

But yeah, he, he, that's how he used

this as a word to explain things to me.

452

00:23:12,012 --> 00:23:16,662

But I was out on the streets and I was

coming to this shopping center and there

453

00:23:16,662 --> 00:23:18,852

was this busy road in front of the store.

454

00:23:18,852 --> 00:23:22,752

I was about to go on, and there was this

little girl, Lisa, standing in the middle

455

00:23:22,752 --> 00:23:30,072

of the road and her mom was safely on the

curb and her mom was saying, really soft.

456

00:23:30,552 --> 00:23:33,732

Come on honey, come on, come on honey.

457

00:23:33,822 --> 00:23:36,582

And I'm thinking, this is my child.

458

00:23:36,942 --> 00:23:40,332

She's standing in the middle of a road.

459

00:23:40,992 --> 00:23:46,272

Get on that street, yank the child

off the street and get her safely.

460

00:23:46,272 --> 00:23:47,052

Why are you safe?

461

00:23:47,052 --> 00:23:47,952

And the child isn't.

462

00:23:49,332 --> 00:23:53,172

So finally the little girl, I, I ran

into the street and started acting

463

00:23:53,172 --> 00:23:55,077

like traffic cop to stop the cars.

464

00:23:55,077 --> 00:23:55,477

Mm-hmm.

465

00:23:55,562 --> 00:23:59,832

And I'm thinking this, this might be maybe

one of the worst mothers I've ever seen.

466

00:24:00,162 --> 00:24:00,342

Speaker 4: Yeah.

467

00:24:00,402 --> 00:24:03,972

Speaker 2: But I was trying to not be

judgmental, so I jumped in to help, but

468

00:24:03,972 --> 00:24:06,612

I'm thinking the grab your child and go.

469

00:24:07,062 --> 00:24:11,022

So anyway, the little girl,

she finally crosses the street

470

00:24:11,052 --> 00:24:12,222

and goes into the store.

471

00:24:12,972 --> 00:24:16,782

So by the time I get in the

store, I'm sh I'm shook, but I

472

00:24:16,782 --> 00:24:20,232

see the little girl now wandering

around the store without her mom.

473

00:24:20,832 --> 00:24:25,152

And finally I see a woman come around

the corner, she's got her cart, and

474

00:24:25,152 --> 00:24:26,472

she goes, oh, there you are honey.

475

00:24:26,472 --> 00:24:27,342

What have you been doing?

476

00:24:28,872 --> 00:24:30,702

Well, that was the mother.

477

00:24:30,822 --> 00:24:36,342

She was in the store and hadn't noticed

that her kid had run out the door and

478

00:24:36,342 --> 00:24:42,732

was on the street, and the woman who was

calling the child softly was a stranger.

479

00:24:43,992 --> 00:24:44,022

Oh.

480

00:24:44,022 --> 00:24:49,602

And she was doing it gently so that

the child wouldn't be scared even

481

00:24:49,602 --> 00:24:52,392

further and run further into harm's way.

482

00:24:53,142 --> 00:24:57,552

And she pulled her into the store

and really was the hero of the story.

483

00:24:58,032 --> 00:25:00,672

And the mom thought the little girl

had just been running around the

484

00:25:00,672 --> 00:25:04,152

store looking at things, but really

she'd been on the street in danger.

485

00:25:05,442 --> 00:25:11,892

That was a big moment for me because

that was a paradigm shift where things

486

00:25:11,892 --> 00:25:18,192

that I saw with my eye were not at

all the way that I had seen them.

487

00:25:18,462 --> 00:25:19,122

Yes.

488

00:25:19,722 --> 00:25:21,822

That little girl, that was not her mother.

489

00:25:22,182 --> 00:25:25,272

She was actually this hero

pulling the child off the street.

490

00:25:25,277 --> 00:25:25,497

Mm-hmm.

491

00:25:26,322 --> 00:25:31,182

And I had misjudged, misread and

misinterpreted the whole story.

492

00:25:31,812 --> 00:25:35,292

And I think that had a

twofold unpacking in me.

493

00:25:35,352 --> 00:25:39,342

The first was, don't

be a judgmental person.

494

00:25:40,302 --> 00:25:44,202

Do not judge other people by

how they look, by how they act.

495

00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:50,322

Lisa, I meet so many women, you

would think millionaires, I meet

496

00:25:50,322 --> 00:25:51,672

people with millions of dollars.

497

00:25:51,732 --> 00:25:56,262

You would think they have it all

together and God will drop a word in

498

00:25:56,262 --> 00:25:58,152

my heart for them and I'll be shaking.

499

00:25:58,152 --> 00:26:01,602

You know how that is When God wants you

just to say this encouraging word, I'll

500

00:26:01,602 --> 00:26:03,192

be a little bit shaky and I'll say.

501

00:26:03,762 --> 00:26:06,462

There were to them tears instantly.

502

00:26:07,002 --> 00:26:10,182

Uh, when people see the title of my

book When Your Protectors Didn't Yeah.

503

00:26:11,502 --> 00:26:12,942

And they get tears in their eyes.

504

00:26:12,972 --> 00:26:17,082

These well-dressed, well-heeled

women that we would easily wanna

505

00:26:17,082 --> 00:26:21,552

judge and say, you've never been

through anything hard or, you know.

506

00:26:21,672 --> 00:26:23,022

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

507

00:26:23,202 --> 00:26:28,092

They've been through terrible,

terrible things and they're just

508

00:26:28,092 --> 00:26:30,672

out there trying to survive.

509

00:26:30,732 --> 00:26:35,862

So, first of all, just completely drop

any judgmental attitude because it, as

510

00:26:35,862 --> 00:26:42,282

you know, 'cause you're so relatable

and gracious, you do this well, but we

511

00:26:42,282 --> 00:26:47,172

put up this invisible barrier between

people by comparing ourselves to them

512

00:26:47,412 --> 00:26:47,442

Speaker: Oh.

513

00:26:47,592 --> 00:26:48,462

All the time.

514

00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:49,182

Speaker 3: Yeah.

515

00:26:49,242 --> 00:26:54,282

Speaker 2: We'll either be two things

better that feel pride at what we

516

00:26:54,282 --> 00:26:56,532

have or feel shame at what we don't.

517

00:26:56,712 --> 00:26:56,952

Speaker 3: Yeah.

518

00:26:57,402 --> 00:26:59,022

Speaker 2: And neither one of those.

519

00:27:00,042 --> 00:27:04,152

Are what we as women should

be feeling on a daily basis.

520

00:27:04,512 --> 00:27:09,552

And just having that conversation and

finding that commonality with other women

521

00:27:09,852 --> 00:27:15,552

and suspending judgment so we can cheer

them on their journey was what I kind

522

00:27:15,552 --> 00:27:18,222

of forever took away from that lesson.

523

00:27:18,282 --> 00:27:23,202

And the second, um, thing, and even the

mom in the store, no judgment for her.

524

00:27:23,202 --> 00:27:24,342

She was probably exhausted.

525

00:27:24,582 --> 00:27:24,762

Speaker: Yeah.

526

00:27:24,792 --> 00:27:26,052

She had no idea.

527

00:27:26,172 --> 00:27:26,772

Had no idea.

528

00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:27,672

Speaker 2: Right.

529

00:27:27,732 --> 00:27:32,202

And the second thing was, what we talked

about earlier was this normalizing

530

00:27:32,262 --> 00:27:38,712

of things that when you have your

world turned upside down and you

531

00:27:38,712 --> 00:27:44,772

realize that things were not normal

in your home as a child, the abuse

532

00:27:44,772 --> 00:27:46,542

that you encountered was not normal.

533

00:27:47,172 --> 00:27:53,262

I know I, I'm a truth teller, so I, I

felt betrayed and I thought how could.

534

00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,962

How could we live this way?

535

00:27:55,962 --> 00:27:58,242

How could we live with this hypocrisy?

536

00:27:58,842 --> 00:28:04,242

Um, it took a lot of years to unpack

that in therapy, but now I feel like

537

00:28:04,662 --> 00:28:10,212

just by telling my story, it, I don't

put any graphic details in the book,

538

00:28:10,572 --> 00:28:18,012

but I want women to know that abuse is

not normal, even if it was your normal.