If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the first of this 2-part series, we explore the ins and outs of improving your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss how long it takes for an insecurely attached person to become more secure and offer actionable tools for healing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized style.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:49 - What is secure attachment and why is it important?

07:56 - Can an insecurely attached person become securely attached?

11:36 - How do I go from an anxious/avoidant/insecure style to a secure style?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 9: 7 surprising truths about attachment theory

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.

Platonic by Marisa Franco

Secure attachment playlist

Positive Words from Mom

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

From the relationship center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor and

dating coach, Jessica Engle, and this is I Love You too, a show about how to create

and sustain meaningful relationships.

I'm professional certified coach Josh Van Vliet.

On today's episode, we're gonna talk about how to develop secure attachment.

We're so happy you're here, and please remember that this show is not a

substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional.

welcome everybody.

Thanks for joining us for today's episode.

We're so glad you're here.

We're gonna be talking all about how to develop secure attachment, and we

have a lot to say about this topic.

So we're actually going to break this into two episodes.

Today is part one, and stay tuned in the feed for part two coming up soon.

And before we get started, if you love our show, well we love you too,

and we wanna be in touch between episodes.

To get more free dating relationship and social anxiety advice, please go to

relationship center.com/newsletter to sign up for, you guessed it, our newsletter.

Again, go to relationship center.com/newsletter.

Okay, let's dive in.

Awesome.

So in today's episode, as I mentioned, we're gonna be talking about how

to develop secure attachment, and we're gonna talk about it through

the lens of a couple of questions.

The first is, what is secure attachment and why is it important?

Why do we care?

The second is, can a an insecurely attached person become securely attached?

And if so, how long does it take?

And the third is, how do I go from an anxious or avoidant or other

insecure style to a secure style?

So shall we start with that first question?

What is secure attachment and why is it important?

Absolutely.

Okay.

So let's do a little brief overview.

Uh, secure attachment style means you're more likely to build satisfying

close relationships, which has been shown to improve mental and

physical health, which is why we are interested in secure attachment.

People who are securely attached identify with the following statement.

It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others.

I am comfortable depending on them, and having them depend on me.

I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.

That sounds nice, right?

If you're among, uh, the many people who have an insecurely attached style, and

you're listening to that, it's like, oh.

It sounds different than how I, I might, uh, experience myself

in relationships, uh, yes.

Some portion of the time, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, um, we won't go into super depth on different attachment

styles in this episode.

We're sort of assuming you're coming in with some information about

attachment styles, but if you're not, uh, some resources we can point you

to are attached by Levine and Heller.

Diane Pool, Heller's Attachment Assessment, wired for Love by Stan Tatkin.

All of those will link to in our show notes along with everything

else we reference in this episode.

One of the things about why we should care about a secure attachment.

I've been reading, as you know, this book, platonic by, uh, Marissa Franco recently,

uh, which is all about attachment And friendship is a wonderful book.

Highly recommend it.

But one of the things that she says in there is attachment is what we project

onto ambiguity in relationships.

Yes.

Which I think so brilliantly captures, uh, the places where insecure or secure

attachment make a huge difference, right?

It's in those moments when we're not sure what's happening.

Right?

Let me give you an example.

You're dating somebody.

They don't text you back immediately.

That's an ambiguous situation.

We don't know what's happening there on their end.

And for those of us with an insecure attachment style, whether it's

anxious or avoidant or disorganized, We're more likely to assume it's

because they don't like us, that there's something wrong with us.

That they, you know, all these negative interpretations of what's happening,

and it's usually about us, right.

And why they aren't interested, uh, versus a secure attach, securely attached

person is more likely to interpret, like, oh, they're probably just busy at work.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And in those moments of ambiguity, the things that we project onto

that then impacts what we do and how we relate to that person.

Right?

So if we're assuming that this person doesn't like us, isn't into us,

we're probably not gonna be warm, we're probably not gonna be friendly,

we're probably not gonna reach out.

Or if we do reach out, it'll be in a, maybe a harsher critical, uh, way.

Right?

Uh, so all of these things then leads to this self-fulfilling prophecy, right?

The way that we behave.

Based on what we're projecting in these ambiguous moments get,

makes it more likely that we're going to experience exactly the

thing that we're wanting to avoid.

Right.

So that insecure style, it sounds like you're saying,

creates uh, insecure relationships.

Absolutely.

Right.

Absolutely.

Which we know you dear listener, are not interested in having

more insecure relationships.

You want more secure relationships.

Um, and that makes sense.

We have some really solid research that says, you know, when we have more of

that secure attachment, we actually have better mental and physical health.

We have higher self-esteem, we have decreased negative affect, which is

fancy talk for depression and anxiety.

Um, and overall just happier relationships.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Now, one thing I do wanna say up top here, and this goes back to something

that we talked about in our last episode, seven myths about attachment styles.

There's nothing bad about an insecure style.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's very, very easy because of the way insecure attachment Im impacts

our self-esteem and our self-concept to think, oh, if I have an insecure

style, there's something wrong with me.

Right.

And that again, is just gonna be part of the insecure style.

It's going to just reinforce, uh, that very thing that you described,

the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so do listen to our last episode, and one of the things that we say in

there, as you remember, Josh, is that we don't actually need to develop a

secure attachment style in order to have secure functioning relationships.

That is relationships that are safe, secure, loving, and do have all of those

physical and mental health benefits.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so just keep in mind if you have an insecure style that's adaptive,

it's appropriate and understandable considering where you came from.

Mm-hmm.

And this is, this episode's not intended to bash or shame you If you have that

insecure style, it's more intended to give you tools if you've decided that you do

wanna move more towards a secure style.

Mm-hmm.

And even if we don't get all the way to a completely secure style, as you

were mentioning, some tools for engaging in secure functioning relationships.

Right, right.

We can, we can, uh, harvest some of the, the, the things, the, the be

beliefs, the attitudes, the behaviors of secure, uh, securely attached people

and apply that to our own relationships to have better relationships.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

We, we had mentioned in our episode on, uh, what to look for in a long-term

partner that people who report more happiness and security prior to a

relationship make better partners.

With the caveat that people who are more depressed or anxious also make

wonderful partners if they learn the tools of secure functioning.

Mm-hmm.

So again, you don't need to be securely attached to be an amazing

partner, to create an amazing style.

And the tools will give you will help both with developing more of

that secure style and really learning the secure functioning tools.

Yeah.

Cool.

So should we, should we answer the second question?

We should.

Can an insecurely attached person become securely attached?

Uh, I think, I think it's probably self-evident

from what we're saying.

Hopefully,

hopefully, if you're listening to this episode, it's clear that

we wouldn't be doing this episode if, uh, that wasn't possible.

Yes.

And I think it's a good thing for us to reinforce.

Yeah.

Like a lot of people really do feel stuck.

That's part of the insecure, particularly anxious, but all of the insecure styles,

there's a sense of hopelessness around changing attachment patterns or changing

relationship patterns so that you actually have satisfying relationships.

Um, so good news.

It is absolutely possible.

And we actually, attachment researchers came up with a term to describe, uh,

This developed secure attachment.

It's called Earned Secure.

If you ever hear that, that actually just means developing secure attachment,

uh, after having an insecure style.

Um, and generally that is done and we'll go through lots of different

ways that's done, but generally it's done through both positive

relationships and personal development.

And how long does it take?

Yeah, great question.

So Levine and Heller in the book attached talk about how one in four

people changes their attachment style once every four years.

There was another study that I found that had, uh, 4 42 participants

looked at attachment styles.

Over a two year period, a little less than half of those participants shifted

their style within that timeframe.

Wow.

So they ended up describing attachment styles as quote, moderately stable.

Um, and a shift to secure attachment was related to increases in self-esteem and

perceptions of so, uh, social support.

Mm-hmm.

Interesting.

Mm-hmm.

So, you know, based off of these two pieces of evidence, you

know, two to four years, I've heard three in other sort of circles.

Generally that's two to four years.

Uh, With a lot of support mm-hmm.

To do that healing.

Yeah.

Right.

It's not, uh, you know, it also could be two to four years to change to an

insecure style with, uh, you know, insecure functioning relationships.

Right.

Right.

And some of what I've read also is that, and I think this is bears out

from our personal experience and our experience with the folks that we

work with, we're probably never gonna get to a hundred percent secure.

Right.

Like, that's, that's not really the goal here . Cuz we all have, we talked

about this in our last episode as well.

We all have elements of all the styles mm-hmm.

Right.

In the, in the, uh, assessment that you, you consistently give

clients, they all come back with, uh, some element of each style.

Yeah.

And so this isn't about perfectionism, this isn't about

becoming a hundred percent secure.

This is about shifting your at attachment style in the direction of more secure.

Right.

So it's a, a larger.

Kind of percentage we could say of your, your overall attachment styles.

Uh, your, uh, more natural inclination towards the secure behavior styles,

beliefs, uh, viewpoints on relationships.

Right.

And, uh, and just know that you'll always probably have some anxious

or some avoidant or some, you know, and different things will come up

in different relationships, as we talked about in our last episode.

So it's not, it's never, uh, that you're gonna get there a hundred percent, but

that you'll be shifting in that direction.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Over time.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I think that's important because it, if we set ourselves up to an

unrealistic expectation mm-hmm.

We're not going to feel very good about ourselves when we fall short of it.

Yeah.

Which is probably more of the insecurity, right?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So should we, should we get into the, the meat of our episode meat?

The, the Tempe of our episode?

Yeah.

For me it'll be meat for you.

It'll be Tempe based on our diets.

So the big question, how do I go from an anxious or an avoid neuro

other insecure style to a secure

style?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I have how many things to say?

I have five major bullet points.

I love

it.

How about you?

I'm excited.

I've got three kind of major thoughts.

Okay.

And some of which may overlap with your thoughts.

So, oh, I suspect, I, I have a feeling.

Okay.

Well, shall I dive in with my first one?

Please do.

Okay.

Number one is heal in healthy, secure functioning relationships.

Hmm.

So we mentioned this a little bit earlier.

Um, we do have research that indicates that one key to earning secure

attachment is building relationships with surrogate attachment figures.

So that could be a therapist, a friend, a partner, someone

who offers emotional support.

Uh, and if you're insecure, it, it would be emotional support in the

way that your early secure bases or primary attachment figures, uh,

ideally would have but did not.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, so, you know, being in healthy, secure, functioning relationships is

key for healing attachment styles.

We are wounded in relationship, we heal in relationship.

Um, I'll give you one example.

The study I mentioned earlier that showed that 46% of participants change

their style in a two-year period, Indi indicated that those who became

more secure over that two year period reported feeling more emotionally

supported, not just practically mm-hmm.

Emotionally supported, uh, in their healthy relationships.

And they also indicated that they actually had less interpersonal

conflict at the end of the two years.

Mm-hmm.

So high levels of conflict typically do come with those insecure,

dysfunctional relationships.

Mm-hmm.

We hopefully in our secure functioning relationships, uh,

experience a sense of ease overall.

Yeah, that's huge.

That's huge.

in Marissa Franco's book, platonic, she talks a little bit about vetting

the people that you're engaging with.

Yes.

That not everyone is up for this.

Right.

I think it's important to say we have the opportunity for this in all

kinds of relationships, and there may be wonderful friendships that you

can develop or you can lean into to develop and practice secure attachment.

Uh, and not all of your friendships are gonna be appropriate for that.

Yes.

Not everyone is ready to meet you there, and so it's really important

to check it out and see through.

Things like, being vulnerable in a, uh, kind of graduated way.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

One of the things that insecurely attached folks tend to do is either

withhold completely or overshare, right?

both of those are, are kind of defense mechanisms, uh, in their own ways.

And so what we wanna do instead is share vulnerably and then see how it lands.

See how they respond.

Are they able to meet you there with compassion, with care, with

kindness, or do they criticize you?

Do they withdraw?

Right?

And so it's really important to notice those signs and not.

Push past that, cuz that's just gonna be more of the insecure,

right?

Yeah.

So I think with insecure attachment, oftentimes the background for those

who are insecure is an insecure family.

Mm-hmm.

And often in insecure families, there is a, um, difficulty with boundaries and

there is difficulty protecting that child.

Right.

Maybe they're overprotected or they're underprotected and that,

to me, what you just described is the adult version of that.

It's like, I don't have, if I'm just sharing without any filter or

I'm not sharing at all, that's my sort of internal attachment figure.

Not doing a good job of taking good care of me to make sure I'm

in a relationship where I am safe.

Mm-hmm.

Recommend our pacing episode mm-hmm.

To have, uh, tools for, especially in dating, but those tools can also

be applied in friendship and other relationships to use the, what's

called the share check method, which is what you referenced.

I share a little bit and then I check what was the response and

how was it for me to share that.

Mm-hmm.

And then go from there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Love that.

I think that this, you know, healing and healthy, secure, functioning

relationships, this one can feel tricky, I think, for a lot of people.

Um, because I think for some people they can feel like, I'm

sorry, where are those people?

Right.

Like, how do I find those people?

Mm-hmm.

Um, and so I think it's important for us just to kind of speak to that briefly.

Yeah.

What would you say about that?

If somebody said, okay, that's, that's a great tip, but I'd like to do

that.

Yeah.

I, I think.

In some ways it's, it's similar to what we talk about in our, what to look

for in a long-term partner episode.

Some of the, not all of the qualities that you're gonna look for in

a long-term partner are, would necessarily need to be present, right?

For a, uh, someone like on a friend capacity.

But some of the things like kindness, consistency, right?

Uh, vulnerability, right?

And looking for who are the people in my life who I even have

a sense might be open to that.

Even if you right now it's like, I don't know where those people are.

I bet, I would bet that if you really take a kind of inventory of your relationships,

you might see, you know what, there's maybe a possibility for this here.

I don't know yet.

I actually don't have enough information.

Maybe I haven't tried to be vulnerable in this way with this particular

person before, but I kind of have a sense maybe they're up for it.

And let's check it out.

Let me check it out.

Let me try sharing a little bit more vulnerably or inviting

that kind of connection.

And then as we were saying share and check, share and check.

Um, so that's one piece.

If you really look around and you see, you know what, I don't

think there's anybody in my life.

This is an opportunity to get courageous and build new relationships.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Right?

And that's hard.

Sometimes it can be very scary as adults, especially, where do we go

to build new connections, build new friendships, build new relationships?

Uh, certainly one place you can do that is with a therapist or a coach.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Right.

Especially a therapist or coach who is attachment oriented, right?

They have some skill around this.

They are oriented towards how do we support you to develop secure

attachment even in our relationship and what does that look like?

What are the skills that we can practice together that are gonna

help you learn how to do that in other relationships in your life?

Uh, I think that's a great way to approach it.

Um, but it also could be starting to look for where are the other places in

my life that I might get a little bit courageous and find some new connections?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, absolutely.

I love that.

And The other thing I think of in terms of finding those people, uh, one is

looking for values-based communities.

I love that.

That's great.

Right?

Like, so a community that's maybe got a, a spiritual practice to it or a, a

personal growth practice and there's a kind of shared vision of we grow together.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I also think of volunteering oftentimes, you know, places where you

get to volunteer, there's a shared vision, uh, and a desire to go beyond the self.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, and so I think all of those are very good signs.

I also think process groups, therapy groups mm-hmm.

Can be a really wonderful place to do that.

And then I also just wanna name, I think sometimes that experience

of there's not anyone there in some cases that's very true.

Because oftentimes secures find secures.

Mm-hmm.

And insecures finds insecures.

And so we kinda have to find our way into other communities.

And I think that the way that insecure attachment works, it's kind of like,

um, You know how when you're thinking about buying a particular kind of

car, you see that car everywhere.

It's like that.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

So if your system is set up to say people are unsafe, I never get what I need.

Your, your mind's gonna pull for this evidence.

And I know you've done a lot of work in your coaching, Josh, around

how does the mind pull for evidence to confirm negative beliefs?

Yeah.

Um, and so it's gonna pull for the evidence that people are unreliable.

It's gonna.

When you think to yourself who's available emotionally available in

my life, it's gonna pull up all the, the people that aren't emotionally

available because of that template.

Um, so you may need to work with yourself to really kind of reconsider

that just as you were describing Josh.

And it may also be, I think for some people that the people who are

emotionally available, we've found ways to distance ourselves from them.

Mm-hmm.

Because it's a little bit scary to be close to them.

Mm-hmm.

And it can even show up in really kind of tricky ways.

Like, oh, that person's just kind of uncool.

Like they just seem like they're a little thirsty or whatever.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

So really looking for, are you devaluing somebody who's actually

just showing a lot of interest?

Mm-hmm.

Because it's maybe a little scary.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I, I love that you're, you're bringing that up and as you're

saying, because our brains filter through our preexisting conclusions, right.

And as, uh, those of us with an insecure style pulling for people who are

gonna be, or, or evidence that people will be unkind or unavailable, uh,

uninterested in us, it's so important to actively look for evidence of kindness.

Right.

Availability, interest, connection, consistency.

Right.

To actually be like, oh yeah, that person reached out to hang out with

me, and I never followed up with them.

Mm-hmm.

Because I was busier cuz I thought they weren't actually interested

or, you know, whatever it was.

Right.

Whatever thing.

Oh, I see.

That.

You know, they, they really do, as you're saying, they really do show

interest in me when I'm sharing and that's a little scary at first.

So how can we pull for evidence of kindness, consistency,

availability, vulnerability.

Right.

Right.

And I think the truth is really almost everybody wants this kind of connection

even when we pretend like we don't, right?

Mm-hmm.

Or we, we kind of put up our pretense or our, or our walls

because it's scary or uncomfortable.

And that when we act in a way that invites us a little bit.

I think more people than we might expect are going to respond.

Well, yes.

Not everybody, it's, it's important to say not everybody will, and

that's part of the vetting that we were talking about earlier, but more

people than we might think will.

Right.

Because we all want this kind of connection.

We all want to be vulnerable and share openly and have somebody

who feels like they really get us and respect us and care about us,

right?

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

I mean, it makes me think about how most people, like, I think a lot of the people

we work with are kind of like, I don't know, everyone else around me seems like

they've got their friends, they've got their partner, like they're doing fine.

They're close with their family and like, I'm weird.

Mm-hmm.

And I think the truth is, you know, from where we sit in our chairs and the stories

we hear every day, that is not the case.

Mm-hmm.

People are deeply lonely.

Yeah.

And.

Doing these things out of their attachment patterns that make

it seem like they're fine.

Mm-hmm.

And I gotta tell you, a lot of 'em are not.

Mm-hmm.

So I love what you're saying, Josh, about, um, you know, working with

the acceptance prophecy, right.

If I am warm, if I reach out, if I assume others like me, I

get more of that back, right?

Yep.

Well, one of the things that I think is really important here is

since we're on the subject of the lenses and the conclusions that we

are viewing things through and how they impact what kinds of evidence we

pull forward, and then how we behave.

Thinking about how does a securely attached person view relationships?

What is the lens that someone who is securely attached seeing through what

are the beliefs, conclusions, attitudes that they are pulling for that have

them show up differently than those of us who are insecurely attached?

Mm-hmm.

And so I, I've collected a few things along those lines.

I, I think maybe you have too, based on your facial expression.

No, I haven't.

That's why I'm so excited.

Oh, great.

I mean, I've, I've, yes, to some degree,

but yeah, hit me.

Yeah.

And this is by no means an exhaustive list.

I, I have visions someday of making like a, a much more like

this is the lens that, but this is at least a starting point for us.

Um, one of which is just securely attach, people assume they're

worthy of love and that others can be trusted to give it to them.

And I, I'm gonna share some of these and I wanna also say some of these

may feel like a stretch right now.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

It may feel like for you hearing that, that sounds nice,

that I don't believe that.

Right.

And that's okay.

Right.

I want to, I, I don't want you to feel like you need to be here immediately,

but these are some of the beliefs or, or even lenses that you could be

looking through that you can start to practice taking on a little bit.

Start to like, well, if I did believe this, what would I see right now?

What would I do differently?

Yes.

Right.

Am I willing to even entertain the possibility that this is true?

Mm-hmm.

That can kind of help us kind of sidle up next to it and kind of get,

get familiar with it And so, yeah.

Let me just share a couple more of these, please.

These lenses, so secure, people assume they're worthy of love, right?

And that others can be trusted to give it to them.

And again, as we mentioned earlier, this isn't a , a

blanket check to everyone, right?

There's a process of vetting as we engage, but bottom line, others can be generally

trusted until proven otherwise, right?

Also, we value our partner's welfare as much as we do our own.

And not more or less.

Hmm.

Right.

This is what's mutuality.

We talk, talk a lot about this and we only do what's good for both of us.

Mm-hmm.

And an insecure attachment, oftentimes it can be out of

balance in one way or the other.

Right.

If I'm saying yes to things that aren't good for me or aren't good for my

partner, my, my friend, my relationship buddy, uh, that doesn't work right.

I think one of the other things, and this comes from, uh, from platonic,

from Marissa, Franco, everybody's doing the best they can and it's

gonna be all right in the end.

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, you might hear me say that and think, well, that's not true, Josh.

It's not always gonna be all right in the end.

And to, to which I would say you're right.

You know, that's the truth.

It's not always gonna be all right in the end.

And yet, and yet, if we can lean into this just a little bit, right?

We're looking at the places of, of, as I mentioned earlier,

ambiguity in relationships and that everyone's doing the best they can.

When that person, they didn't text me back, I'm gonna assume it's cuz they were

really busy at work and not about me.

And I'm gonna reach out and check in, see how they're doing.

Right.

More likely to, to yield a warm, connected response than texting 'em and saying, what

the heck, why didn't you text me all day?

You know, that's probably gonna put them on the defensive.

Right.

Right.

Not get you the result that you want in the end.

So again, assuming this until we're proven otherwise, right.

If we get other information, it's like, you know what?

They really aren't available for the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

Okay.

Different.

But our base stance is everybody's doing the best they can and it's

gonna be all right in the end.

Mm-hmm.

I noticed my nervous system like just relaxes hearing that, which tells

me that it is a secure attachment stance.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Secure attachment is about a regulated nervous system, which

we'll get to at some point.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah.

So I think, you know, we could go on, I'm sure there are more things

we could add to this list, uh, but.

I think even if you start to ask yourself, how does someone who is securely

attached view relationships, right?

How might they view this situation?

Yes, that's different than maybe how I currently hold it.

Just start to even get curious about that question because it'll lead you

to be gathering evidence for different things and looking for how is, how,

how are they seeing this moment?

How might they see it differently?

And am I interested in that viewpoint?

Can I take that, start to take that viewpoint on a little bit?

Can I explore, experiment with that and see, okay, well if I did see, you

know, if I did assume that I was worthy of love and others can be trusted to

give it, what might I do right now?

Right?

Because if we try to mimic the behaviors of somebody who's

securely attached without.

Seeing what they're really seeing, it doesn't always work.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It can land as inauthentic or it can, we'll just be doing the, the

wrong thing in the wrong situation cuz we're not understanding why

you might be doing this thing.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

And so that's, that's part of my invitation to, to all of us is to like,

how do we take on this viewpoint a little bit and start to start to play with that.

Yeah.

That makes perfect sense to me.

I mean, that research study I mentioned earlier over the two year period where

people shifted their attachment style, the main thing that shifted one's style was

the one's assessment of one's and others.

Mm-hmm.

So what you're saying is going in straight to the beliefs and seeing

if you can take on new beliefs.

Yeah.

I love that.

And that was something when we chatted with our clinicians about, in preparation

for this episode, several of them spontaneously said, well, I ask a, a

question to kind of help prompt the person to think about, um, essentially, you

know, I call it ww s d instead of wwjd.

Mm-hmm.

What would a secure do?

Right.

So other versions of this are like, what would I do if I weren't

afraid right now of being left?

Mm-hmm.

What would I do right now if I weren't afraid of being close?

Mm-hmm.

Um, And I know another, uh, one of our clinicians mentioned that sometimes

it's a little much to think what would a securely attached person do?

Like, it's hard to kind of recall.

Mm-hmm.

That, so I love that you're breaking it down into specific beliefs.

Um, and she was also mentioning it might be helpful just to ask oneself

like, am I basing my reactions right now off of what's actually happening?

Or my own stuff?

Mm-hmm.

My, my own stuff, my own history.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Is, is what I think is happening really happening?

Or is this maybe a story in my head that I'm making up based on my own Right.

My own history.

Right.

Well, I love, I love what you're saying there in terms of really having

some of these clear, secure attachment lenses, it sounds like, or core beliefs.

And the questions also mm-hmm.

I think are really important.

And all of that links to the next thing I wanna talk about, which

is secure attachment priming.

Yes.

Because I think that, I think what you're saying, I, I'm starting to realize,

I think those types of questions, you know, what would a secure do is

a form of secure attachment priming.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Right.

So shall we dive into that

piece?

Let's get into it.

Okay.

This is one of my favorite, uh,

approaches here.

Yes, me too.

So, okay.

Secure attachment priming.

Secure, secure attachment priming is rooted in the early works of Bulby who

really originated the attachment theory.

So with secure attachment Priming, the sort of top line takeaway is you

can do things like watching movies with secure functioning couples.

You can listen to music, uh, that represents secure

functioning relationships.

You can spend time with secure, uh, families or secure couples.

Uh, you can visualize being in a relationship with someone secure.

All of this can prime your system to feel more secure and to develop

perhaps a more secure style.

Uh, and basically attachment priming is a way to intentionally, I'm gonna

use a lot of big words here and then we will explain them if they're a little

confusing, intentionally stimulate internal working models of attachment.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So basically attachment, you know, our early experiences get stored

is what's called episodic memory.

And we have these kind of like systems of n you know, these neural networks that

get activated in relationship that are based off of those early experiences.

Okay.

And so attachment priming attempts to either bring those beliefs about

attachment to the surface, um, for the purpose of research or to categorize

someone's attachment style or to work with that attachment style

and to move it more towards secure.

Okay.

Does that make sense?

Any questions on that?

So

what you're saying is it's either used for kind of assessing, right?

What is your current attachment style?

And we surface that and so that we mm-hmm.

We know what's going on.

Or, uh, priming your, your system for a more secure

style.

Right.

You can also do insecure priming, but, you know, researchers haven't, I didn't

see a lot of research around insecure priming, which is probably good.

Yeah.

Um, and so let me give you some examples of attachment priming.

I think that might help ground us in some concrete.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so secure attachment priming can include looking at pictures of, say, a

mother holding her baby a couple embracing joyfully or one's own attachment figures

like a parent or romantic partner.

Okay.

Uh, it can also include looking at words either subliminally or super liminally,

which just means either you're aware you're seeing the word or you're not.

Okay.

So in research studies, this subliminal would be like a word of, you know,

the word security flashing across the screen so fast you don't even see it.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You don't

consciously

see it.

Consciously see it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so it could be, uh, like I said, flashing common words

related to attachment security, the names of attachment figures.

Uh, some research studies actually used to secure attachment.

Word search, I think is adorable.

That's cute.

Uh, I like that.

Or you can recall secure themed sentences, writing about a secure experience.

Those are all forms of word-based priming.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And then there's also mental imagery.

So visualizing being supported by an attachment figure during a problematic

interpersonal experience, uh, receiving a description of a secure figure and

then thinking and writing about that individual relationship or something

that we do at our clinic, which is, um, we support clients to have a

conversation with their future partner.

Mm-hmm.

They're looking for that secure long-term partner.

Mm-hmm.

So all of this, when we prime our attachment system, what can come out

of that is we can basically bring up the cognitions or the thoughts and the

behaviors that are consistent with.

The attachment style that we're priming.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So for example, if I do my secure attachment word search, I'm in the

moments, hours, perhaps days that follow my system is going to be more secure.

Uh, it's going to, uh, experience more security.

It's gonna feel.

More safe in relationship and, um, think like a secure person.

Behave more like a secure person.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You've kind of like made those circuits, uh, more likely to respond,

right?

It's like priming a pump.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

So if we prime it, it's more likely , for that water to come out.

Actually don't really know what priming a pump means,

but I'll take your word for

it.

I don't really either.

I grew up kind of in the city, so I, I have no business using this metaphor.

She says that's her face.

Full lushes.

Oh.

Um, so let's go back a little bit.

Secure attachment priming.

We do have research that shows it improves emotional wellbeing.

Mm-hmm.

Self-esteem.

Mm-hmm.

Altruism and compassion.

Now, I will say in our last episode, I said, um, that we have research that

shows that secure attachment priming leads to more secure attachment.

And when I looked closer at the research, again, I realized there,

I don't think researchers have made that causational link in the research.

Mm-hmm.

But I, I mean, listen to this again, secure attachment priming

improves emotional wellbeing, self-esteem, altruism and compassion.

That sounds a lot like secure attachment to me.

Right.

All of the ingredients that one might call secure

attachment.

Right.

And so, you know, uh, take what you like in terms of how black and

white secure attachment priming leads to secure attachment.

It seems to me like it's very worthwhile.

Mm-hmm.

Particularly even just the piece about, we actually just act more

secure when we've primed our system.

Mm-hmm.

So that means that we're going to be more likely to build

secure functioning relationships.

Yeah.

Even if we don't change our style.

Um, Uh, a few more things that were really interesting.

When I looked at all of the research, guided imagery and visualization

were found to be especially effective when priming security,

which makes perfect sense to me.

I think in my own personal experience with priming and also clinical,

I, I have just seen the power of, of visualizing, of guided imagery.

Uh, and it seems, it seems like it is more powerful than some

of the other interventions.

That makes sense to me because you're actively engaging with the

secure attachment neural circuitry Yes.

So to speak.

Right.

Versus passively seeing a word or, or, you know, even doing a word search, right?

You're, you're kind of activating those circuits very, uh, primly,

very primly, very, very proactively.

And, uh, so it makes sense that that would have a, a significant impact.

Right.

Well, and I think we need to remember that, um, uh, the attachment

system formed before we had words.

Yeah.

Right.

And so it's, it's much more likely to be activated with when

bodies are involved, frankly.

Mm-hmm.

When eye contact and sound and voices and proximity.

Mm-hmm.

And so that's part of what we are generally imagining.

Mm-hmm.

Is the sort of somatic component, not just words that represent attachment.

Yep.

Another really interesting tidbit was that anxiously attached individuals

were more positively impacted by secure attachment priming than other styles.

Any idea why that is?

Well, the way that I think of it is, anxious attachment develops

when you have inconsistent care.

Avoidant attachment develops when there's.

Really a lack of care.

Mm-hmm.

Or the care is harsh.

Mm-hmm.

Or very misattuned.

So in some ways, to me it feels like there's sort of somebody

who's more avoidantly attached.

Like that's a pretty extreme response.

Not a bad one, but it's an extreme response, which means that the situation

was extreme for us to cut off from.

Our attachment instincts like that is hardwired into us.

So it had to be pretty bad for you to have to learn to just not try at all.

Um, it's kind of like the end of our nervous system is the

place where we just give up.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

So my sense is it's sort of like, this is totally a conjecture, but

that it's, um, in some ways the people who are anxiously attached, there's

a lot of pain to that style and it was just a different kind of harm.

Mm-hmm.

And one that may be a little bit easier to come back from.

Mm-hmm.

With disorganized, that's like, I.

Maybe even one step further in terms of how much harm, right?

Mm-hmm.

Usually the disorganized style comes from a lot of trauma, right?

So it, I think that all of these styles can be healed, which is

the, the message of this, and it may just take more priming.

Mm-hmm.

For the avoidant and for the disorganized, which is known as fearful avoidance.

So just another version of avoidance.

Yeah.

Okay.

Another piece that was really interesting that I think is useful

is that it appears repeated priming keeps security elevated over time.

Okay.

So they found that if you wanted more security, do the priming more mm-hmm.

Attracts, yeah.

Yeah.

And part of what they said is that the repetition really helps the anxious.

Um, participants overcome their attachment to stress and really

register the security and the avoidance.

Were able to break through their, their defensive avoidance mm-hmm.

Uh, and really register the safety.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Just like anything we're, uh, we're kind of training our brain, we could even

say, or training our nervous system, our attachment system, which, you

know, just like you, if you're training for a race, you've gotta practice it.

It takes the, the more that we do it, the the better we're gonna get at it.

Right?

Absolutely.

And the, and the effects are gonna be cumulative.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Yes, exactly.

So, um, in terms of secure attachment priming practices or tools, right?

What, how can you use this?

Mm-hmm.

Um, one thing that I will share is I have a secure attachment playlist.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, which is a list of songs that I gathered really for myself a while

back to continue developing my own security, um, and the, the lyrics

and also the sort of quality of the songs to me speak to, um, healthy,

secure, functioning relationships.

So I'm happy to share that with y'all and feel free to listen

to it as many times as you want.

I think this is such a brilliant thing that you

did and a wonderful resource.

And if you think about love songs, especially pop love songs, a lot

of them are not, Securely attached.

Mm-hmm.

Love songs.

Mm-hmm.

Right, right.

And we don't even realize it a lot of the time.

I think we're, a lot of the time we're not thinking about what are the lyrics

that I'm, I'm jamming out to here.

What is the quality of the, the message here.

Right.

I was, as we were preparing for this, I was looking at a couple of

different examples to share, uh, of Secure versus Insecure Love songs,

just to kind of help illustrate this.

And, you know, if you, if you look at the lyrics for Sugar by Maroon five.

I'm, I'm gonna say it, I'm not gonna sing them for you right

now, but I'm hurting, baby.

I'm broken down.

I need your loving, loving.

I need it now.

When I'm without you, I'm something weak.

You've got me begging, begging.

I'm on my knees.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

I mean, talk about insecure, right?

It's like, and, and we, I think sometimes we glorify that desperation, that

kind of like, I'm nothing without you.

This is what real love is all about.

It's about, you know, that kind of, I'm gonna use air quotes, passion.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, when it's really about this, almost like lack, right?

There's not, there's not security in, in yourself and there's not

security in the relationship, right?

Yes.

Versus, uh, one of our favorite songs.

Consider Me by Alan Stone.

Just the first line.

If you're looking for somebody who will love you through the

night and be there in the morning with the same look in their eyes.

Right.

It's like consistency.

Yeah.

And you just like, I know, I saw you just kind of like relax a little bit.

Mm-hmm.

And I felt my nervous, like, oh yeah, yeah.

Right.

And so I, I love that, that we're gonna share this.

And it's not that there, there aren't great songs out there that

are in, like, we still listen to plenty of insecure love songs cuz

they're great BS and it's, it's fun.

But just notice, start to notice what are the lyrics that I'm

nice I'm listening to here.

And, uh, and maybe listen to some more

of these.

Yes.

And I would also say as you listen to them, uh, practice mindfulness,

allow yourself to notice what is getting activated inside of you in

terms of sensations or thoughts.

Because attending to what gets activated in, you will allow that

to, uh, be more available to you when you're not listening to that music.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

That's great.

Takes it from a passive, like, oh, I'm just gonna put song in the

background, which you know, is good.

That's not a bad thing to being present with what comes up makes it an active more

of what you were talking about earlier, the active engagement with visualization,

with paying attention to what's happening internally, that makes it more.

Uh, more useful, more impactful.

Right,

right.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You could even take it one step further and imagine that the

singer is singing to you mm-hmm.

As, as your future partner, as a friend, as you know, a, a secure

attachment figure in your life.

Mm-hmm.

Would you also say you could imagine that you're, you're the

singer singing to your future

partner?

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Do both.

Getting to experience

it on both sides.

Yeah.

one of the things I love about the secure attachment priming is how

it helps you build a mental model for what is secure attachment, what does

it look like, what does it feel like?

What does it sound like?

What are we doing, what are we saying to each other?

Because if you, if you have an insecure style, it's likely cuz

you you, you earned that honestly.

Right?

Right, right.

You, you had models for that and you probably didn't have as many

models for secure attachment.

And so I think oftentimes, I remember the first time, uh, a therapist said

to me like, that was a kind of an, uh, an anxious way to respond to

that with somebody that I was dating.

And I was like, there's another way to respond.

What are you talking about?

Right.

Uh, and I think that's how it often is, right?

We just kind of, we, we have, it's, it's so baked in, right?

It's, it comes from implicit memory, right.

A lot of the time that it's just so baked into our assumptions about this is how

it works in relationships, to have this moment of like, oh, it can be different.

Yes.

And to start to build out exactly what that can look like in a lot

of nuance and detail through songs, through through podcasts, through,

uh, examples of relationships in movies or television shows.

Right?

Through all, all the other kinds of security attachment prime you're talking

about, we get to build this robust, nuanced, mental model for and mental

model and, and like somatic experience of uh, what is secure attachment,

like, right?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And thank you for reminding us of, uh, you know, look for media, right?

Are there people I loved watching, uh, this is Us.

I felt like there was a lot of secure attachment in this Is Us.

It's kind of soapy, so there's still a little bit of an up and down to

it, but for the most part, they're responding to each other kindly.

They're repairing quickly.

They're all in on, on.

Two person psychological systems.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so find things like that.

Um, I, I came across a new resource recently.

I'll, I'll also link to called Positive Words from Mom.

Oh.

And it's basically this like pack where they send you recordings of a

supportive mom sending you good words.

Mm-hmm.

Um, yeah.

I secretly kind of wanna do something like that.

Yeah, that's great.

It's so sweet.

Um, so, you know, I think there's also like, you get like written

messages and stuff, so that's perfect Example of secure Attachment priming.

Um, you mentioned this podcast, you know, if you experienced Josh

and I as a secure functioning couple, listen to this podcast.

This is not me, uh, shamelessly plugging our podcast or anything.

Actually it kind of is.

But you know, we're here too, like, use us.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, we're happy to, to be that model for you.

Um, good.

Anything else on secure attachment priming on your side?

Books.

Books also work.

Yes.

Say more about books.

Oh, I don't know.

I just, we listed other kinds of media and didn't write books to feel left out.

That's very kind of you.

Very inclusive.

Uh, One other, uh, form of secure attachment priming, I don't think

we listed yet, was, um, spending time with secure functioning

couples or, uh, secure families.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, that's another great way.

One type of media that, uh, doesn't tend to, uh, work

well for secure attachment priming is dating reality shows.

I'll just, just, just gonna say most of the time there are a few exceptions.

Yeah.

But most of the time not a lot of secure attachment priming happening there.

Very entertaining and very, uh, informative sometimes about

relationships, but not secure attachment

driving.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think you and I, when we watch those, we look for shows that

have at least one seemingly secure functioning couple, cuz otherwise

our systems just can't handle it.

Oh, good.

That's all for today.

Stay tuned for part two of this two part series about how to develop

secure attachment next month, and you can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in this episode@relationshipcenter.com

slash podcast.

And if you love today's show, go to relationship center.com/newsletter.

We'll send you a short, hella helpful email once a month with informative

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Until next time, we love you too.

We love you too.