When we talk about repair, we’re talking about a whole lot more than saying you’re sorry. Sometimes jumping to apologize right away can actually be counterproductive. On the other hand, letting something stay unresolved in a relationship leads to festering hurt and resentment. With today’s listener question, we talk about what happens when one person wants to engage in repair after a conflict, and the other person just isn’t ready to go there.

Plus, we’re now officially celebrating 100 episodes of WDMP! We’re so grateful to each and every one of you who have listened, submitted questions, left reviews, participated in workshops, and in every other way supported us over the past 3+ years of making this show. Here’s to the next hundred!

Love,

Rebecca, Vickey, Jules, & Al

Quotes:

“If I initiate a repair and they are not ready to receive that repair, am I going to be okay? If the answer to that is “no,” then I'm not ready to initiate a repair, I'm trying to control [their] behavior.”

“…out of connection with myself [is] out of connection with you.”

This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learnmore at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Welcome to the Why Does My Partner podcast.

I'm Jules.

I'm Vicki.

And I'm Rebecca.

We're your hosts.

We're also couples therapists and messy humans bumbling through our own relationships every day.

We met at a training and our secret

sauce is that we and our partners became fast friends.

Between us, we have more than 40 years of experience holding hard relational questions with our clients.

We're going to bring those questions here

and together we're going to take a stab at answering those questions.

This podcast is not a substitute for couples therapy.

If something you hear in this podcast stirs something deep within you about your relationship, reach out to a couples therapist in your

area.

We also love to hear your questions.

So don't forget to go over to whydoesmypartner.

com to leave a question of your own.

Here's today's question.

Welcome back.

This is Jules.

This is Vicki.

And this is Rebecca.

Today we have a new question for you.

Why does my partner stay upset when I am trying to repair a conflict?

You guys,

this happens constantly, right?

Why does my partner stay upset when I'm trying to repair a conflict?

Like it happens in my house.

It happens with my clients.

Mm hmm.

There are a lot of good reasons.

Yeah.

Right.

So it could be not feeling heard is a huge one.

So if somebody's not feeling like you're really getting it, or they feel like I'm thinking of the other night at dinner, there was a thing where Stella said something.

to Adam.

So my daughter said something to my husband and it was rude.

We called her on it.

It was, no, she was being rude.

I don't remember exactly what it was.

She says stuff sometimes, but it was rude.

We, we called her on it and it's not okay.

And dad looked at her and said, it really hurt my feelings.

And she goes, I'm sorry, daddy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And he was like, Whoa, it was like the sorry came in so fast with so much urgency.

One, he didn't feel like he had time to even process his feelings about it.

And two, if he did have something else to say, which, you know, dad and daughter, he might not have, but I'm just thinking, Oh, if it were between me and him, if I'd

rushed into that, he may not have had a chance to tell me how it actually affected him.

So when I feel like maybe something's off, one of my go to moves might be, can you tell me more about what that was like for you.

prior to offering any kind of repair.

Mm, okay.

So you're

the one asking when you say that.

Right.

So

let's say I'm the one trying to repair.

Something

went wrong.

Mm hmm.

Like there, there's an ouch between us.

Let's play it out, right?

Like there's, so there's an ouch between us, right?

Mm hmm.

And I go like, oh, ouch, that hurt.

I feel like, yeah, that didn't land well, can you tell me more about how you're doing right now?

What, what

happened?

Right.

So now there's two things happening inside of that, right?

Because one of those things is you're inviting me to go inside and take a look at like, well, how did that hurt?

Tell me more about that.

So now I have the opportunity to check in with, okay, wait, what didn't feel okay inside of me?

Totally.

Right?

And then the other piece is now I know you're listening.

So it's like, there's actually a check here because like the, the thing that you think you did that hurt me, like you're going to have, we're going to have an opportunity right

now to, to feel it between us as I share with you what doesn't feel okay or process that.

Or maybe I tell you, you know what, I'm not really sure right now.

I don't know.

I need to take a moment.

I'll come back.

Sure.

Yeah.

Or maybe I'm just hurt and I just say, I need a timeout.

Yeah.

Because that's, that's what the question's asking.

When Jules is trying to say, I'm sorry, why will you stay upset with her?

Because it's too urgent.

Because I don't have time to process my feelings, right?

Like that's, that's the piece, right?

So I think it can also, if it's too urgent, it can be missing the actual hurt.

It can be deflecting from like the, the, the.

you know, whatever it is, like the disconnection or the discord between us.

If I can't sit inside of that with you and I just need to fix it right away.

Um, you know, it could lack some remorse or some, it can feel kind of empty.

Yeah.

And even the really fast ones.

I mean, I'm all for quick repair.

I don't want to sit with there.

There is plenty of research out there that says, Hey, sweeping things under the rug.

Sitting with unrepaired big stuff for days and months and years.

It's really, really bad for a relationship.

I'm all about making repairs rapid.

There are a lot of couple therapies out there that are, um, attachment therapies that talk about rapid repair.

I get why they're saying that it makes total sense.

And also, I'm kind of sitting with the both hand of it.

Yeah.

If we're trying to move so quick that the other person doesn't have time to know what they're feeling or felt like they gave voice to what

they were feeling or that you even know what you're saying sorry for.

Yeah.

Then it may be so fast.

It's not actually feeling like repair.

So that's one reason why.

Yeah.

I also find myself hearing this and I think when I first heard it, I think the one trying to repair the conflict.

Maybe, um, like on the receiving end, because I'm thinking the one that's upset may be in shame and can't deal with it.

Totally possible.

So it's like the one, the upset one is the one that did it, did the ouch.

I like how you guys phrased it that way.

And so I'll just make it mean gay for pronoun sake, I'm trying to repair it even though he was the one that hurt me.

But I want the repair.

Mm hmm.

He may not, he may still be upset because he's in shame from doing it.

Totally possible.

Totally possible.

So that's another option.

Another option is vulnerability.

Oh, wait, there was more

on that one.

Well, yeah, I'm, I'm just, I, I got confused inside of the, who, who did the ouch and who was hurt?

In my answer, the ouch is the one who's still upset.

The ouch is still upset.

The ouch is still in shame.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a theory I have.

Yeah.

Okay.

Right.

So in this scenario, um, so Gabe did something that hurt your feelings.

Mm hmm.

You come to him seeking repair.

Because that's what you need in this moment.

Yeah.

He did not initiate the repair.

Right.

And then he's upset because there's a little bit of shame about what happened.

Well, it wasn't that big of a deal

or, or, or, or, but like, I mean,

totally possible.

Just laughing because I'm sure we've actually, God bless my husband, but we probably have had a

similar conversation.

You know what it reminds me of too though, is that the partner then who is initiating the repair, It could be you, it could, it could be in either direction, right?

But when the, when the repartner who's initiating the repair also needs to be cared for, like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, make this

good because I can't be inside of the thing that doesn't feel okay.

Right?

Like when the person who's initiating the repair needs to be cared for, it, it is shifting the load.

Okay.

The dynamic of what we're doing in that moment.

It's like when Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City was looking to fix things with Aiden because she cheated on him with Big.

And there's this scene that drives me crazy.

And I don't have things memorized, but I do remember

this part.

So there's this scene where, I think they're going to a wedding or something.

Anyway, so she's like, kind of like, falling into his chest and she's like, you have to forgive me.

You have to forgive me.

I'm like, wait a second.

Now you need to get taken care of, but you're the one who cheated on him.

And then you can see him like totally acquiesced and like, okay, fine.

But he doesn't mean it.

So of course he never actually repaired anything and he carries it on for the next 10 seasons or however long.

Festering

inside.

Festering

inside because he pretended to repair, but it wasn't real.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

We might have been about to say is that sometimes the, um, there isn't a felt sense of remorse.

Like, sometimes the repair isn't, well, the remorse was on her side, but it didn't feel like it in that.

And so, sometimes it just feels Well, she

wanted to shame more than remorse.

Yeah.

Like, she doesn't I'm not going to be okay.

The basic message is, I'm not going to be okay if you don't forgive me.

And if I'm going to initiate a repair with my partner.

Here's a, here's a trick that I'm really wanting to do is if he's not in a space to receive that, will I still be okay?

And if the answer to that is no, I am probably not ready to repair.

Yeah.

Let's just take that in for a minute.

If, if I'm not going to be okay, if he's not ready or they're not ready, if I initiate a repair and they are not ready to receive that repair.

Am I going to be okay?

If the answer

to that is no.

And I'm not ready to initiate a repair because I'm forcing well because I'm trying to control his behavior.

Yeah.

Or like my wellness is now dependent on your feelings towards me.

So there's no way I can go into that and not be subtly manipulative

in some kind of agenda.

Right.

Because now I'm trying to repair.

I'm trying to get you to.

And so I'm not really in an integrated place.

It's my, I'm out of.

Uh, connection with myself, and I'm, so I'm also out of connection with you, right?

I'm not actually operating from a connecting with place.

I'm kind of in a, this is a power over dynamic, right?

It's not a power with, it's a power over.

It totally is.

And I think of it as like a repair.

If I'm in a.

If I'm going to do a repair, it's actually an offering.

So if it's actually an offering, then it's cool for you to reject it.

If it were truly an offering.

I'm not saying it's not painful, then you ain't ready to repair.

Sorry.

Sorry.

No, because I'm

thinking that like, I would end up with a story in my head.

Oh, based on my stuff.

Um, of like, he'll never love me again.

Um, I don't even like, it's over, like, and I don't, it's over isn't right, it's the he'll never love me again.

Yeah, but just like holding that so tenderly, we can see how easy it is for us to go into urgency.

Right.

We don't have any blame.

Yeah.

At all.

For us going into agenda.

Uh huh.

For us going into urgency.

Urgency about it.

Of course, you are

doing that.

And well, it is urgent that you fix it.

Right.

Because you don't want to sit with that fear.

He's never going to love me again, which means that probably somewhere along the way you learned this thing.

Like if you're upset, you cannot also love someone at the same time.

I mean, that makes sense.

I mean, consciously learning that I'm not going to lie, but I, but it, it.

That's what that message is.

So like, that's what I'm saying.

Yes, but I can say it flippantly.

Yeah.

Totally.

And so we need to be in this space where, you know, whichever side of this we're on, Oh, I can be in disrepair with you and still love you.

That's that's a solid relationship.

That's where trust lives.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When people get mad, they don't get over it.

Well that's true.

Yeah.

Right.

And

that could be the story in my head.

If you're mad at me now, you're going to be mad

at me forever.

So something like, if you're mad at me, you don't love me, or if you're mad at me, you're always going to be mad at me.

So I, I wonder if that's going on here too, that like, I can't bear you mad at me because you might always be over, it'll never be over.

And I've just seen either me or someone else being like, I'm here to repair why, like, why won't you let me repair?

If I'm doing the right thing, if I'm trying to repair, so you're not allowed to stay upset.

Well, can I, can I slow, can I slow you down right there?

Right.

Even with the like inner monologue, I'm trying to do the right thing.

Why aren't you letting me, right?

Like there's, there's, it just does like, I hear that language.

I go, oh, so there's a right and a wrong thing.

Oh, okay.

So if I don't want to repair with you right now, then where does that leave me?

Cause you're doing the right thing.

Yes, you're

doing the wrong thing.

Have you met me?

Right.

And so now, now, but, but I'm just, I'm just playing with you, right?

I know.

If I'm, if I'm doing the wrong thing and you're coming to me to repair, but also at the same time telling me that I'm doing the wrong thing, my protective system goes, Oh.

Right.

I

was thinking, doesn't that feel good?

That must feel great for you

that I'm doing that.

To go, oh, oh, oh.

To say that.

Well, but, but just like I'm coming

at you like

you're doing the wrong thing.

Yeah.

Right?

Cause that is my

energy behind it.

I admit it.

Like why, why does my partner stay upset?

It could

be that you're telling them they're doing repair wrong, subtly or covertly.

Or outwardly.

Or accidentally.

And directly.

No, or sometimes, if you're Vic.

Directly.

We love you so much right now.

Oh my god, my love is so big.

You're brilliant.

Okay, so I have another reason.

Oh, I have another reason your partner might not be doing, like staying upset and not doing the repair thing.

It may feel too squiggly vulnerable.

To move into the repair space, it's easier to stay in the upset

space.

Oh, it's so protective.

And you know what?

I just, this is, this is coming through like a lot of my wise clients who have taught me so freaking much that their systems are, are so accustomed to histories of needing to protect, right?

Like wounds that go back to their youngest years, things around like reasons why they have layers of, of walls or protection or different protective layers

that are tending to them and their vulnerabilities and their soft spots.

And, and there's like a, we'd call it like history colored lenses, right?

Like there's, there's this history that shows up in here and says, like, it's not okay to be vulnerable.

It's not okay to be even on the receiving end of the repair because you might get hurt again.

Yeah, the other option, too, is they grew up in a house without repair, so they have no map for this, and it just feels weird.

Oh, it's weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm hmm.

So that's also a possibility.

I hear that a lot.

Yeah.

Mm hmm.

It's like, oh, even when I model it for people, they're like, do I have to sound like a therapist?

Like, totally not, but I can't help it, so I don't know.

How do we translate this into normal person speak?

I don't know.

I actually talk like this.

Because it is weird.

Yeah.

And, and I grew up in a house that had very, very formal language.

And so sometimes like, even in, this isn't only my therapist self, this is like just who I am.

It's like, I talk really formally sometimes.

Not enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To this day, my mom might leave a voicemail that says, hello, Julianne, this is your mother.

I'm calling in regards to Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Like, I know your voice, mom.

It's fine.

You can just say, Hey, right.

So, so I just grew up with like a lot of weird formalness.

And so sometimes my languaging can sound that makes them funny.

Um, so I get like, we may need to even have conversations.

Where we, where we say, uh, that sounds too weird.

Can we have a like code word or something, or can we say it in a different way?

And that's fine.

Well, and

possibly even that might be a meta conversation, right?

Of like, how are we going to do this?

I was literally talking to Gabe last week about timeouts, which like we don't do.

And, and he finally said, he was like, they're just so forced and they're this and they're this.

And I said, okay, one, they, they are, there's literally like a script to them and they're awkward and you're right about all that.

And full disclosure, like three years ago, I would've dug it and been like, no, but this, there's reasons you need to do it this way and blah, blah, blah.

And I looked at him and I went, well, yeah.

So if it doesn't work, what I would like to help my couples, this was actually me venting about a couple.

This wasn't even about us.

And I said, I'd like to help people take the nuance of them, of what the.

Be at the time the conversation is supposed to be about and then make it work for them.

Like I get it.

If it's that awkward, find other ways to have the conversation.

The intention is to have the

conversations.

Yes, and I want to say yes to a little bit of awkwardness because preparing well is new for you.

I promise you one thing.

It's gonna feel weird.

Yeah, it's just like if you like practice writing a unicycle right now, would it feel comfy?

Would it feel like you just could do that and know what you're doing?

Not a bicycle, unicycle.

Yes.

So if that's, if you already ride a unicycle, pick a thing you've never done.

But I think, I think even if you'll

weird.

If you're riding on a new surface, it's going to feel weird, right?

If the weather is different, it's going to feel weird.

If you ate too big a meal or you're feeling nauseous, it's going to feel weird, right?

Like, so there's a lot of different factors that go beyond, do you know the skill?

And I'm thinking about, yeah, I'm thinking about inside repair, you know, there are, I know how to do repair.

I teach people how to do

repair.

I have some practice at doing repair.

You've

got some steps written down and everything.

Yeah,

you know, and inside of each moment that I'm sitting there repairing with my sweet partner because we have a lot of vouchees, there's um, there's newness inside of each one.

Like a new discovery that, and that feels awkward.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we want to embrace the weird.

Mm hmm.

And that may be part of your meta conversation too.

And maybe that it could even start with, if this is, I'm just thinking about the question that came in, it may even start with, Hey, I've noticed sometimes when I've upset you

that it, when I try to make it better, it doesn't seem to land or like you stay upset.

Do you need something different than what I'm doing?

Well, I don't understand why we

need to talk about it at all.

Oh, gotcha.

So for you, like, not talking about it is better?

Yeah.

We're fine.

It happened.

We've moved on.

We're fine.

Gotcha.

Okay.

We have a sticky problem then, love.

Cause for me, it's actually really hard to feel like I hurt you and then just never talk about it.

I don't

understand that.

If I'm telling you I'm fine, then why aren't we fine?

Totally get it.

I can't tell.

Are you open to hearing a little bit about what it's like

for

me right now or not really?

Yeah.

Totally.

That's a tough one.

No, I don't think so.

Watch me.

I'm a dog with a bone, baby.

I ain't gonna let this one go.

Not if it's important to me.

Yeah, that was a tough one because I could see.

The partner going either of like, yeah, I guess we can talk about it now.

Or like, no, never.

So I,

yeah, no, but then I'll, I'll bug you about it tomorrow.

Then I know . And then the next day, and then

the next day, and then, and then you're gonna get mad at her because she hasn't let you let this thing go and there's gonna be another explosion that needs repair.

And she's, thank you.

Come back to you.

And she's gonna say, well sweetie, this is what I'm talking about.

This is the thing that I'm talking about.

And you're gonna go, yeah, still don't wanna talk about it.

And she'll go, okay.

I'll come back tomorrow and that thing's going to happen again and then you're going to come back and she's going to go, Hey, seriously, you know how we've been having this conversation?

Totally.

Yeah.

And you know what?

Is this annoying and totally unfair?

Yes, but it doesn't really matter.

I mean, it matters, but it doesn't really matter because if I really want this to be different.

And I really want to stay with you, then I'm going to be working, figure out how do I get through to you in this way where you can hear me and I stay in, in my integrity.

I'm just being in my integrity because I'm not going to bring a lot of anger to you about this.

I'm just going to keep bringing curiosity of why you don't want to know what it's like for me when there's been an upset and we don't talk about it.

Oh, and Ben, I'm gonna write you a letter about it.

Jules is not gonna let it go.

She's like a dog with a gun in it.

She is.

But

I love how you said, I don't remember how you said it two seconds ago, but it was something about, I love you and I'm going to stay or like, I don't want to leave you.

I mean, there's, there's a key premise in there of, I need this in my relationship and I don't want to go anywhere.

So it's not like you talk to me and repair this or

else.

Yeah.

But like, if you leave me with that hanging for like, I don't know, five years.

I'm I might go somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then I might go somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, like at some point, at some point, like I need a little bit back and I'm not trying to like make this tit for daddy kind of thing, but like,

yeah, but I need to feel that like, you know, I'm trying to repair because I want you to know that I saw that something I did didn't feel okay for you.

And I also want you to know what doesn't feel okay for me.

Right.

And I'm totally open to repair looking different if the way I'm doing it is not landing.

What I'm not open to for me personally in my own heart is that we just sweep it under the rug and never talk about it.

That's what it feels like for me, even if it doesn't feel like that for you.

So if it needs to be fast, if it needs to be jokey, if it needs to be, it still has to be something.

Right.

If you need me to put it in a letter and then we can talk about it tomorrow.

Totally.

I can figure that out.

No problem.

But it does happen.

Another thing I'm thinking about too, well, this is about, I say, Oh, is that unfair?

It doesn't matter.

That's not exactly true.

What I'm fighting for and why I'm being a dog with a bone is I want more fairness.

I want more reciprocity in a relationship.

And unfortunately in this moment, I'm the one who sees that doesn't feel that way for me.

Am I right?

Am I wrong?

I don't know.

But it's just true.

And so I'm, I'm going for a little bit more equality in this space because I do care about fairness ultimately.

Yeah.

So I don't want to be flippant about the fairness problem, but I think this is just a, is a different way to possibly address it.

Yeah.

I'm agreeing with you.

This is a big one, right?

Like, I think we can, we can keep going on this, but I think this is probably a great place for us to land.

Yeah.

This is a great place to, to say that there's a workshop coming up where we talk a ton about repair and we actually get to practice repair.

So this is such a sticky issue.

We spend hours with it at the workshop days because it is days even because it is so hard.

So, so yeah, so there's another option if you're feeling drawn to working on this deeper a way to do that.

Yeah.

Come see us.

Um, you can find the link all about the workshop in the show notes and in our bios, wherever you're finding that, uh, it's called integrating mind and heart.

And we'd love to have you there.

Take good care.

Bye.

Bye

bye.

Al (2): Hey guys, it's producer Al and Jules here just popping in with a very important message that we actually forgot to include earlier.

We just hit episode 100.

Thanks for sticking with us.

We are so thrilled to be continuing to make this podcast and to have you with us, yay for 100 episodes of Why Does My Partner?

Al (2): That's right.

We are so grateful for every single one of you.

We couldn't do it without you.

And we just didn't want to let this milestone go by without acknowledging it.

All right,

that wraps up this week's episode.

Join us again next week for another.

Why does my partner?

We hope that you continue to listen wherever you get your audio and that you'll follow

the show to go deeper.

Join us at one of our workshops.

You'll find our next date at white is my partner.

com.

Did you know you can ask us your questions?

Your questions are relational gold.

Go to why does my partner.

com to either write in or record your question for a future

episode.

And here's some gratitudes.

Thanks to Al Hubberman, our sound editor and podcast production magic maker.

Thanks to

every one of you who has joined us for our workshops in the past.

We've learned so much from all of

you.

And thanks to everyone who's reviewed the show and Apple podcasts.

Your reviews help others to find the show.

Take care of each other best.

You can see you next time.

Mhm.