Shownotes
"Gay is gay."Except it isn't. And if you're parenting both a son and a daughter through coming out, you may know that, but NOT know what to do.
A gay son and a lesbian daughter face different stereotypes, different safety realities, and different early questions about who they are. This episode names both directly.
In this episode, you'll learn how to:
- Debunk the most common stereotypes attached to gay sons and lesbian daughters
- Understand the orientation-specific safety facts every parent needs: HIV/PrEP awareness for sons, IPV and healthcare access for daughters
- Recognize that your son and daughter may need entirely different support from you, even when coming out into the same family
Press play to learn what's actually different, and why it matters that you know.
RESOURCES
https://heatherhester.net/starthere
PFLAG (pflag.org)
CDC HIV testing/PrEP locator (hiv.gov)
The Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386 / text START to 678-678).
The Gottman Institute Study on Same Sex Couples
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous connection.
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Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re on this journey with me.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers the wisdom of lived experience and practical guidance and education to parents and allies, teaching empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals, through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
In today's episode, you'll discover why it's important to understand the differences between a boy coming out and a girl coming out.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:And here we talk about fear, belonging to boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker A:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker A:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker A:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:As a general topic, there are mountains of social and biological science behind under understanding what boys might be interested in when they first hit puberty and sexual awareness versus what girls might be interested in when they first come of age, so to speak.
Speaker A:There is far less research and discussion around what boys are interested in knowing about when they come out as gay versus what girls are interested in knowing about when they come out as lesbians.
Speaker A:When Connor first came out as gay, he was most curious about the physical questions.
Speaker A:When Grace first came out as a lesbian, she was most interested in where she fit, where she could find others who understood her.
Speaker A:Neither of those are wrong.
Speaker A:I think they both offer valuable insights into how we can better support our kids and and the community as a whole, which will then allow us to better support our kids and prepare them for the world.
Speaker A:And that's what we're going to talk about today.
Speaker A:Two queer kids, two straight kids, same house, same parents, and completely different entry points into understanding who they are.
Speaker A:Today we're going to talk about what's actually different between a son and a daughter coming out as gay, the stereotypes attached to each that need debunking, and the safety facts that are specific to each that most parents never hear.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you will be able to recognize that gay is gay isn't true.
Speaker A:In practice, your son and your daughter may need completely different things from you as they come out.
Speaker A:We will debunk the most common, most damaging stereotypes attached to gay sons and lesbian daughters specifically.
Speaker A:And you'll be able to know the orientation specific safety facts, such as HIV PrEP for gay and bisexual sons and intimate partner violence rates for lesbian and bisexual daughters.
Speaker A:The details that most parenting advice never covers.
Speaker A:So why did I feel like this was really important to talk about today?
Speaker A:Well, there were two reasons, actually.
Speaker A:First, not only did we not know anything about the differences in coming out experiences or stereotypes or safety facts.
Speaker A:When Connor and Grace first came out, it actually took us years for us to learn them so much of our journey.
Speaker A:Their journey would have been easier if we just would have had accurate information.
Speaker A:And second, people like to tiptoe around discussing orientation specific safety facts because they fear it will be uncomfortable.
Speaker A:But I cannot reiterate strongly enough that these conversations can be life saving.
Speaker A:Plus they should really be on the list of the many topics we need to work on normalizing.
Speaker A:And I'm actually adding a third one in here too.
Speaker A:While researching this episode, I came across some troubling statistics that prompted me to dedicate some specific space to bisexual information rather than only folding it in with the gay son lesbian daughter information.
Speaker A:Did you know that bisexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than gay and lesbian youth, largely because they feel unwelcome in both straight and gay and lesbian communities?
Speaker A:This is something that I really had to sit with for a while and dig into and I just felt it was really important to share with you and one more thought before we get into it.
Speaker A:Too often sexual orientation and gender identity are conflated which causes endless confusion and hurt.
Speaker A:I am very purposefully talking about sexual orientation today, not to alienate anyone, but to clarify so how is it different to come out as gay, lesbian or bisexual?
Speaker A:Well, here is the best and most simple way to start this conversation.
Speaker A:Our gay, bisexual or lesbian loved ones aren't drawn to different topics because of some inherent trait.
Speaker A:They're drawn to different topics because the default information stream leaves gaps a straight kid never has to fill.
Speaker A:Said even more simply than that, they need to actively search for answers to their questions because it isn't readily available.
Speaker A:Connor's early focus was physical and sexual self discovery.
Speaker A:What it meant to be a gay man in his body, the attractions exploration.
Speaker A:Here are a few more areas he and we as his parents had to seek information and filter through for facts.
Speaker A:First, physical attraction and arousal confirmation.
Speaker A:Because male identity development skews more sexually oriented, the internal question is often what does this physical attraction actually mean?
Speaker A:Rather than who am I becoming?
Speaker A:Which is a more concrete embodied confirmation process than just an identity narrative.
Speaker A:1, 2.
Speaker A:We had to seek information.
Speaker A:We had to filter through sexual mechanics and safety information.
Speaker A:That's something that we as straight parents knew nothing about.
Speaker A:Information specific to same sex sexual health for men and HIV prep awareness because standard sex ed does not cover it and there's no equivalent to the figuring this out alone process for straight boys.
Speaker A:Third, the masculinity norms and what being Gay means for how, quote unquote masculine he's supposed to be.
Speaker A:Gay boys often separately navigate whether they're deviating from expected masculine presentation independent of the orientation question itself.
Speaker A:Meaning they often look at these as two very separate things.
Speaker A:Their masculinity, what does that mean to them?
Speaker A:What does that mean in the greater societal view?
Speaker A:And their sexual orientation, what does that mean to them?
Speaker A:And then what does that mean in the greater societal view?
Speaker A:Fourth is father specific relationship strain.
Speaker A:There's a body of research suggesting the father relationship carries distinct tension.
Speaker A:For gay sons.
Speaker A:There's often more anxiety about disappointing or being rejected by a father specifically that is separate from the mother relationship.
Speaker A:I know that may seem perhaps obvious or not something necessarily needed to mention, but I felt like it was worth mentioning because it is something that is is quite common.
Speaker A:So if that's something that is happening within your family, know that you're not alone with that and.
Speaker A:And there are conversations that can be had around it.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:The fifth one is gay male community and culture entry points.
Speaker A:Essentially looking for gay male specific representation, culture and social spaces.
Speaker A:I wanted to highlight this one kind of with a neon flashing safety note here.
Speaker A:Many of the obvious entry points dating apps are 18 plus and that gap sometimes gets filled by teens finding workarounds.
Speaker A:I know this from personal experience.
Speaker A:Do not stick your head in the sand about this one.
Speaker A:Whether you acknowledge that it's probably happening or not, it is probably happening.
Speaker A:So if you have even an inkling that your child is on one of these apps and they are younger than 18, it is vital for their safety that you find out.
Speaker A:Some of the most common ones are Grindr, which most people have heard about.
Speaker A:But then there is also Scruff, Tender, Hornet and Jacked.
Speaker A:There are many others, but these are the most common ones out there.
Speaker A:If you have questions about this or any of the topics that we're talking about today, reach out to me directly.
Speaker A:These are the types of things I I help parents navigate.
Speaker A:Grace's early focus was on identity and belonging.
Speaker A:What being a lesbian meant to her, first in relation to who she was becoming as a person and then to the broader community.
Speaker A:So here are a few more areas that she and we as her parents had to seek information for because it just wasn't readily available and filter through to figure out what was true and wasn't, what wasn't.
Speaker A:What are the facts?
Speaker A:What is accurate information?
Speaker A:The first one was romantic and emotional connection before or instead of physical confirmation, emotionally intense adolescent friendships between girls that carry romantic weight without sexual activity.
Speaker A:A Pattern that shows up specifically in sexual minority girls developmental histories.
Speaker A:The identity question tends to start with who do I feel this deeply about?
Speaker A:Rather than what does this arousal mean, the sex?
Speaker A:Second one is bisexual identification.
Speaker A:As a more common landing point.
Speaker A:Female adolescents are more likely than male adolescents to identify as gay or bisexual at any given age.
Speaker A:And bisexual identification specifically is more common among girls than boys.
Speaker A:That means daughters may cycle through more identity labels before settling.
Speaker A:Which is not indecision.
Speaker A:I want to repeat that because this is really important.
Speaker A:It is not indecision.
Speaker A:It's a documented pattern in the research itself, in their identity exploration and them figuring out who they are.
Speaker A:The third one is the mother daughter relationship dynamics.
Speaker A:So where the father son strain shows up distinctly for gay sons, the research on mothers and lesbian daughters points more toward concerns about protection and safety and a world that's already harder on women layered on top of the orientation itself.
Speaker A:So it's not so much of the I'm disappointing my father like it is with the father son strain.
Speaker A:It's more mothers being concerned about the reality of the world.
Speaker A:They're concerned about sending their daughters off into a world that is already hard for women or harder for women and worrying about their safety, wanting to protect them more.
Speaker A:So two different relationship dynamics there.
Speaker A:There's a fourth one that I wanted to add because I just thought it was really, really interesting.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker A:And it happens more with girls initially than it does with boys.
Speaker A:And that's the unlearning of automatic heterosexuality.
Speaker A:There's a specific body of work originally conceptualized by Adrienne Rich and then built on in much more detail later by several researchers, one of them being Deborah Tolman.
Speaker A:And it was about girls having to actively notice and unlearn the assumption that attraction to boys is simply default.
Speaker A:It's a process that boys don't have the equivalent version of since male heterosexuality isn't treated as compulsory in the same way.
Speaker A:And I just thought this was really, really interesting that it wouldn't be both, since a lot of times looking at homosexuality, everyone's kind of lumped in.
Speaker A:So when you begin to pull it apart, this is one of the pieces that actually shows up as very different between a girl coming out and a boy coming out.
Speaker A:So that's why I wanted to point this out for you.
Speaker A:The next one is the difference or the gaps in the.
Speaker A:In community and in representation.
Speaker A:Lesbian specific media representation and cultural visibility has historically lagged behind gay male representation.
Speaker A:Gay.
Speaker A:So daughters may have a harder time finding that whole feeling of there's someone like me in mainstream culture, harder for them than it is for sons still at this point in time.
Speaker A:Just something to be aware of.
Speaker A:And then finally there are the health and safety concerns information that is specific to lesbians and bisexual females.
Speaker A:This includes gynecological care, avoidance and sexual assault data specific to lesbian and bisexual women, which isn't covered in most sex ed classes and most parents safety conversations.
Speaker A:These are very important topics that I will elaborate more in an episode later this month, so stay tuned for that and be aware that it is coming up.
Speaker A:But for the purposes of today's episode, I wanted to just put it on your radar as something to be aware of, something to acknowledge.
Speaker A:So finally, there are two general topics that both gay boys and lesbian girls have to navigate that differ from their heterosexual peers.
Speaker A:The first one is dating norms and scripts.
Speaker A:Same sex dating doesn't come with the same cultural scripting that straight teens absorb passively from movies, friends, family modeling.
Speaker A:Who asks whom what a quote unquote normal timeline looks like, what a date should look like.
Speaker A:These questions, these scenarios that we often just take for granted.
Speaker A:So putting that on your radar and then the other one is identity and terminology.
Speaker A:A gay identifying team is often actively researching what different orientation labels mean to find which one fits.
Speaker A:This is something that a straight teen never has to do.
Speaker A:There's no equivalent search process when your identity matches the default assumption.
Speaker A:So something else to keep on your radar, something your teen might be puzzling through or struggling with.
Speaker A:So I want to move on to some important stereotypes to debunk, and I've separated these as well between our gay sons and our lesbian daughters.
Speaker A:The first one for our gay sons is that all gay men are effeminate or flamboyant.
Speaker A:False.
Speaker A:This is false.
Speaker A:Gender expression and sexual orientation are separate traits.
Speaker A:Plenty of gay men are conventionally masculine presenting and plenty of straight men aren't.
Speaker A:The stereotype survives mostly because media representation has historically leaned on the most visually readable gay characters.
Speaker A:The second stereotype is that gay men can't sustain monogamous relationships.
Speaker A:Again, completely false.
Speaker A:A 12 year Gottman Institute study of gay and lesbian couples found relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across straight gay and lesbian couples.
Speaker A:And the same research found gay and lesbian couples actually started conflict conversations with more humor and warmth and less domineering behavior, less controlling behavior, less defensive behavior, all, all of that less than heterosexual couples.
Speaker A:Relationship structure varies by couple, not by orientation.
Speaker A:The third stereotype is that gay men shouldn't be trusted around children.
Speaker A:False.
Speaker A:This is worth Debunking with real numbers, not with just reassurance.
Speaker A:So I dug into this and found that one of the most cited names in the sexual offending field, Gene able, found that 90% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by heterosexual identified individuals.
Speaker A:I'm going to Repeat that.
Speaker A:Over 90% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by heterosexual identified individuals.
Speaker A:And Gregory Herrick's review of the research literature found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men.
Speaker A:The American Psychiatric association has stated that sexual abuse isn't any more prevalent among children who grow up to identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual than those who identify as heterosexual.
Speaker A:Meaning the myth doesn't hold up in either direction.
Speaker A:I'm going to link this detailed research in the show notes because I think it's really, really important for you to be able to dig into yourself if this is something that you have either always believed or that you want to understand more about.
Speaker A:The fourth stereotype is that gay men are automatically into fashion design and musical theater.
Speaker A:This is a stereotype that is built entirely from a very narrow slice of pulp culture representation, not from any actual data that's out there.
Speaker A:Interests are individual, not orientation linked, which of course seems so obvious when I'm saying it right now.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And there are plenty of gay men who have zero interest in any of the above.
Speaker A:And then finally, the fifth stereotype that we're going to debunk today is that a gay son is a loss of the future you pictured rather than a redirection of it.
Speaker A:This isn't a research point so much as a reframe.
Speaker A:I've run into this one anecdotally with clients and family members over and over again.
Speaker A:All of the fears stem from the heteronormative, and I think I'll even add here, patriarchal assumptions that adulthood, marriage, parenthood, family should all look a very specific way.
Speaker A:All right, so moving on to lesbian daughters, let's get rid of these stereotypes as well.
Speaker A:The first one being that lesbians are man haters or become lesbian because of a bad experience with men.
Speaker A:This one is especially harmful because it treats orientation as reactive or a choice rather than innate, just part of who someone is.
Speaker A:There is no research out there that supports sexual orientation being caused by a negative relationship experience.
Speaker A:And the premise itself assumes attraction to women requires a reason, the way attraction to men never does.
Speaker A:The second stereotype is that lesbian relationships are somehow less real or less serious.
Speaker A:The same 12 year Gottman study that I mentioned a few minutes ago found relationship satisfaction and quality were comparable across gay, lesbian and straight couples.
Speaker A:There's no data suggesting same sex relationships are less committed or less substantial than straight ones.
Speaker A:And again, I will link this study, this 12 year study in the show notes as well.
Speaker A:The third stereotype is that all lesbians are masculine, presenting same issue as the gay male fashion stereotype.
Speaker A:Gender expression and sexual orientation are independent and lesbian gender presentation spans the same full range as straight women's does.
Speaker A:The fourth stereotype is that she just hasn't met the right man yet.
Speaker A:This one directly denies that female same sex attraction is a stable real orientation rather than a placeholder waiting to be corrective.
Speaker A:It's just plain dismissive and insulting, so I'm not going to give it any more time.
Speaker A:And the fifth one that we are going to talk about today is that lesbian relationships are inherently safer or less prone to conflict or abuse.
Speaker A:This is the one to just debunk the hardest, so to speak, since it is directly Contradicted by data.
Speaker A:44% Of lesbian women report lifetime intimate partner violence comparable to or higher than heterosexual women's 35%.
Speaker A:And this is per the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.
Speaker A:I know this is hard to hear, but it is vital to understand.
Speaker A:And like I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode, I am going to be diving deep into this one in several upcoming episodes.
Speaker A:So stay tuned for those.
Speaker A:Keep your eyes open.
Speaker A:A great reason, by the way, to follow me to subscribe to this podcast and to make sure that you are paying attention.
Speaker A:And then I also wanted to finally add in a few bisexual stereotypes to debunk as well.
Speaker A:The first one is it's just a phase on the way to being gay or lesbian.
Speaker A:This one treats bisexuality as a temporary stop rather than a stable orientation and it's one of the most common ways bisexual people get dismissed by both straight and gay and lesbian communities.
Speaker A:The second one is that bisexual means non monogamous or greedy.
Speaker A:This conflates orientation, which is who you are attracted to with relationship structure, how many partners you have.
Speaker A:That's something totally different.
Speaker A:A bisexual person in a monogamous relationship is still bisexual.
Speaker A:I know this one might be hard for you to wrap your head around, especially if you are new to learning about this community, but it is one that is certainly worth spending some time understanding.
Speaker A:The third one is that they're really just gay or straight and using bisexual as a quote unquote safer label.
Speaker A:This is the erasure stereotype.
Speaker A:It denies bisexuality exists as its own orientation and pressures people to eventually quote, unquote pick a side crazy.
Speaker A:The fourth one is being with a partner of one gender proves what they quote really are.
Speaker A:A bisexual person dating someone of the same or different gender doesn't change their orientation.
Speaker A:The relationship's gender composition isn't a referendum on their identity.
Speaker A:If your child is identifying as bisexual, I think it's it's important for you to spend some time with this one and really think about it and absorb it.
Speaker A:If you are not bisexual yourself, it is harder to understand.
Speaker A:But that doesn't mean that it's not real, that it's not true, and that this isn't who your child is.
Speaker A:So I just encourage you to spend a little time with it.
Speaker A:Do your own research.
Speaker A:Talk to your child more.
Speaker A:Ask them open ended curious questions to learn more about who they are.
Speaker A:That's the best way to debunk any of these stereotypes.
Speaker A:And then finally, bisexual people have it easier because they can just pass as straight.
Speaker A:This one actually works against them.
Speaker A:Remember the statistic from the beginning of the show that I shared that bisexual people report the highest rates of anxiety, depression and suicide risk among LGB youth largely because they feel unwelcome in both straight and gay and lesbian spaces rather than accepted by either one?
Speaker A:I really want you to hear this one because it directly counters the bisexual is the easy middle ground assumption a lot of parents and gay and lesbian communities themselves unintentionally hold.
Speaker A: ew HIV diagnoses in the US in: Speaker A:Not because of who they are, but because of where transmission risk concentrates biologically and historically in this population.
Speaker A:This is a conversation about information and prevention, not shame.
Speaker A:Prep, which is short for pre exposure prophylaxis, is highly effective and widely available.
Speaker A:The CDC reports roughly 93% awareness and 45% current use among gay and bisexual men.
Speaker A:Make sure your son knows about it and has access to it before he needs it.
Speaker A:The CDC recommends at least annual HIV testing for sexually active gay and bisexual men, and most doctors will test even more often if they're prescribing prep.
Speaker A:This is worth normalizing the same way you'd normalize any other health screening.
Speaker A:Approaching this in a matter of fact way like you would an annual physical or routine vaccinations.
Speaker A:Here are a few orientation specific safety facts for our lesbian and bisexual daughters.
Speaker A:I know I mentioned a few minutes ago in the episode that I would be talking about this in later episodes, which I will, but I thought since I had teased it so many times, I would add a few facts here for you, just to help you to begin wrapping your mind around this and perhaps coming up with some questions that you can look into more for yourself or talk with your daughters about.
Speaker A:Just think this is really important awareness that I know I was not aware of, I know many of my clients were not aware of, and you know, one of those things that just isn't talked about that should be so here's the beginning of this that contrary to the whole lesbian relationships are safer stereotype, the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found that 44% of lesbian women experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
Speaker A:And this is comparable to or higher than heterosexual women's 35%.
Speaker A:More than one in four lesbian women report being raped in their lifetime.
Speaker A:And this is again per the same CDC survey, that's 25%.
Speaker A:Please, please hear me when I tell you that this needs to be a conversation with our daughters, with each other.
Speaker A:Awareness needs to be raised.
Speaker A:This cannot continue to be one of those things that is ignored, swept under the carpet and just pretend that it doesn't exist.
Speaker A:The whole it's safer, it's two women is such a common space false assumption.
Speaker A:Our lesbian and bisexual daughters need to be aware and to protect themselves.
Speaker A:And being armed with information, with knowledge is one of the best ways to do that.
Speaker A:Many lesbian and bisexual women also under access routine gynecological and reproductive care because providers and the patients themselves a lot of times wrongly assume that it's unnecessary.
Speaker A:Many female reproductive health issues have nothing to do with partner gender and regular care and testing are not only necessary, but can be life saving.
Speaker A:So for this episode I am offering a few reflection questions for you that I'm actually going to go through myself and answer because I want to reiterate that it is impossible for us to know everything always.
Speaker A:And as I talk about these things, I think sometimes it's too easy to assume that this these things are things that I've always known, which in fact they are not.
Speaker A:I am learning new things all the time.
Speaker A:So the first question is, what's the moment you most wish someone had told you in advance that a son and a daughter coming out would need different things from you.
Speaker A:So my answer to that question is that Grace shared so openly from the beginning and I very quickly realized how much I didn't know and felt like I was scrambling all over again like I did with Connor.
Speaker A:So I could learn to be a good support system.
Speaker A:And thankfully, Grace did offer in her.
Speaker A:Her beautiful way of just sharing about her life that helped me realize that, oh, wait, she's.
Speaker A:She has come out.
Speaker A:But the things that she's curious about that she's interested in, that she needs my support with are very, very different things than what Connor needed.
Speaker A:And so even though I was able to do that, I think it would have been very helpful to have that information ahead of time.
Speaker A:My second reflection question for today is, is there a stereotype on either list above that you personally believed, even briefly before you knew better?
Speaker A:There is no shame in this.
Speaker A:There's.
Speaker A:This is a shame free zone.
Speaker A:And I think when we look at these questions and when we acknowledge, you know, these are.
Speaker A:We all have biases.
Speaker A:Remember, I talk about this a lot.
Speaker A:It's a huge topic in my book.
Speaker A:And when we're able to be really vulnerable and look at what our.
Speaker A:Our biases are or have been in the past, it helps us grow and it helps us just be better human beings.
Speaker A:And I know for me, one of the ones that was most shocking in that list that really has affected me the most, and probably because it's also the most recent one for me, is that I. I did believe that lesbian relationships were safer.
Speaker A:And so learning about sexual assault and how prevalent it is within the community and just really digging into that to understand it more was really shocking and really scary for me.
Speaker A:My third reflection question is one that's specifically about Connor, but enter your own child's name here.
Speaker A:So what do you know now about parenting Connor, specifically as a gay man that you didn't know when he first came out?
Speaker A:Which, you know, it's kind of a softball question for me because I didn't know anything, but really a million things, right?
Speaker A:I was so naive.
Speaker A:I. I knew nothing.
Speaker A:I had no information that was readily accessible.
Speaker A:I literally started from, I mean, a.
Speaker A:A place of a very sheltered, conservative, Christian background.
Speaker A:Childhood.
Speaker A:And even into, you know, adulthood.
Speaker A:Even though I thought I had become so much more wise and worldly and, and inclusive and understanding, I realized when Connor came out that the.
Speaker A:The amount of information I did not know, the amount of growing that I needed to do, the number of things that I still needed to unlearn was incredibly vast and very overwhelming.
Speaker A:So understanding his first.
Speaker A:His first curiosities and how his experiences, our experiences have shaped all of us over time, that has all helped me work through so much of my stuff.
Speaker A:And I have spent the better part of the last nine years really, really even more than that actually.
Speaker A:But you know, specific to having LGBTQ kids, really working through my stuff so I could exist with this level of candor that I share with you every single week and with the openness that only Connor needs from me.
Speaker A:But Isabel and Grace and Rowan, so really, really beautiful pieces that have come from all of this at the end of the day.
Speaker A:And the last question is, what do I know now about parenting Grace specifically as a lesbian woman?
Speaker A:That surprised me then and it's that being the non judgmental, loving, safe person meant the most to her.
Speaker A:Even way back before she came out.
Speaker A:I have been surprised over and over again by how much me just listening has been exactly what she wanted and needed.
Speaker A:I know I just gave you a lot, a lot of information.
Speaker A:So here is your kindness moment for this week.
Speaker A:Be kind to yourself.
Speaker A:Take the time you need to digest this information.
Speaker A:Listen to it again if you need to.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:You don't need to rush into action.
Speaker A:Friday's Butterfly Effect episode will offer you several ideas to start with between now and then.
Speaker A:Just breathe, process what I gave you today, listen again, write down your thoughts and then come to Friday and I'll give you some things to begin acting on.
Speaker A:I hope that this episode was both enlightening and empowering for you.
Speaker A:Learning the the facts behind some of the more common false stereotypes and learning important health and safety facts that aren't as readily available and certainly not taught in most schools for our lesbian, gay and bisexual kids.
Speaker A:There is an entire ecosystem of support [email protected] start here.
Speaker A:That is heatherhester.net start here.
Speaker A:I will have that linked for you in the show Notes and if something in this found you today, there is another parent out there sitting with the same thing and no idea that this exists.
Speaker A:A five star rating and review is how they find us.
Speaker A:Until next time, keep choosing to be a little more human and a little more kind.
