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Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself with Candace Plattor
Episode 2931st May 2023 • Shining Brightly • Howard Brown
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Drug and Alcohol ADDICTION is real for many people and families. In Episode 29 of the Shining Brightly Podcast show, I welcome a 36 YEAR CLEAN and SOBER addict Candace Plattor who shares her impactful story of misdiagnosis of Crohn’s disease that led to addiction, self-discovery, education, discipline and recovery. We discussed her best-selling book “Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The top 10 tips for loving someone with addiction”. Listen to these powerful words that families can talk to an addict about – “We love you so much that we will not SUPPORT your addiction”! Please join me and share this powerful episode.

Mentioned Resources

National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Hotline 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

“The National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Hotline provides information on alcohol and drug abuse, local treatment options, support through hotline counselors about to speak with about alcohol, drug or family problems.”

Website: https://lovewithboundaries.com/

Free Gift: https://lovewithboundaries.com/freegift/

Facebook Personal Profile: https://www.facebook.com/candaceplattor/

Facebook Business Profile: https://www.facebook.com/LovingAnAddictLovingYourself/

Linkedin Personal: https://www.linkedin.com/in/candaceplattor/

Linkedin Business Profile: https://www.linkedin.com/company/love-with-boundaries/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lovewithboundaries/

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/candaceplattor

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/CandacePlattor

About the guest – Candace Plattor, author of Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, knows from personal experience what it means to be an addict. Within a year of being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 1973, she found herself in the throes of prescription drug addiction. Her Crohn’s Disease diagnosis came at a time when the medical community had a very limited understanding of the disease and how to treat it. As a result, the treatment included some very addictive medications such as Valium, Demerol and Codeine, which she took faithfully for a number of years. Additionally, she discovered that marijuana took away a lot of her physical pain and helped her escape from feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, and isolation. In no time at all, she became a daily pot smoker and had one more addiction to deal with. And when she ran out of pot, she abused alcohol. After more than 14 years of abusing substances, she reached “bottom” in 1987. Thus began her journey of recovery and self-discovery. In Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, Ms. Plattor draws from her experience as an addict, as well as from the stories of those she continues to help in her practice, to uncover the reality of loving someone with an addiction. All too often, people with an addicted loved one in their lives will neglect themselves in an attempt to “help”. But, as Ms. Plattor points out in her book, this is a lose-lose situation that doesn’t help the addict at all. Instead, loved ones must make their own needs a priority and learn to focus on their own self-care. Ms. Plattor graduated from the Adler School of Professional Psychology with a Masters degree (M.A.) in Counselling Psychology, in 2001. For over 20 years in her private practice, she’s been helping clients and their loved ones understand their addictive behaviors and make healthier life choices.


About the Host- Howard Brown is a best-selling author, award-winning international speaker, Silicon Valley entrepreneur, interfaith peacemaker, and a two-time stage IV cancer survivor. He is also a sought-after speaker and consultant for corporate businesses, nonprofits, congregations, and community groups. Howard has co-founded two social networks that were the first to connect religious communities around the world. He is a nationally known patient advocate and “cancer whisperer” to many families. Howard, his wife Lisa, and daughter Emily currently reside in Michigan, and his happy place is on the basketball court.

Website: Http://www.shiningbrightly.com


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LinkedIn - https://wwwlinkedin.com/in/howardsbrown

Instagram - @howard.brown.36


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Transcripts

Howard Brown:

Hello, welcome to the Shining Brightly show. This

Howard Brown:

is your host with the most Howard Brown. Oh man, we are

Howard Brown:

going to shine today. It's amazing. It's sunny. We have

Howard Brown:

springtime here in Michigan. And we have our lovely guest,

Howard Brown:

Candice platter. And oh my god wait to hear her story of

Howard Brown:

overcoming. It's amazing. Candice, welcome from what?

Howard Brown:

Vancouver? Washington?

Candace Plattor:

Yeah. Vancouver Canada. The most beautiful place

Candace Plattor:

in the world. I think, hello, everyone's,

Howard Brown:

oh, my goodness. Well, I got introduced to

Howard Brown:

Candice via Michelle Abraham, who is also in Vancouver,

Howard Brown:

Canada. And this story, I have to tell you, I watched her

Howard Brown:

videos and a TEDx talk, which we'll get into. And you are a

Howard Brown:

thriver survivor, a warrior, a hero, all of that super woman.

Howard Brown:

I'm just telling you, I I can't I first I don't even know how

Howard Brown:

you do it. So we got to learn how you did that. So let me

Howard Brown:

introduce you. And then you're going to fill in some blanks.

Howard Brown:

All right. Candace Plattor is the author of loving addict

Howard Brown:

loving yourself. Top 10 survival tips for loving someone with an

Howard Brown:

addiction. And you know this from personal experience,

Howard Brown:

because you were diagnosed with Crohn's disease, and they had no

Howard Brown:

idea how to treat that. So that's a story. So they started

Howard Brown:

giving you lots of medicines and pills and oxycodone and Demerol

Howard Brown:

and Valium. All the stuff which you took to you even actually

Howard Brown:

then took to marijuana and alcohol. So you've lived a

Howard Brown:

little bit there and and had to survive that. And you also

Howard Brown:

graduated from the other School of Professional Psychology, you

Howard Brown:

have a master's degree, you have private practice, and you have

Howard Brown:

clients. And I just, I mean, I want you to fill in the blank

Howard Brown:

stare, tell me what I missed, tell people in my audience what

Howard Brown:

they should know more about you.

Candace Plattor:

Well, I will say that I'm going to be 36

Candace Plattor:

years clean and sober in July, so I'm 35 years clean. And I'm

Candace Plattor:

an addictions therapist now working specifically with

Candace Plattor:

families that are dealing with somebody's addiction that are

Candace Plattor:

grappling with this and don't know what to do. And that's who

Candace Plattor:

I predominantly work with. And I've been doing that for the

Candace Plattor:

last three decades. Now we hear news that there's an opioid,

Candace Plattor:

opioid epidemic in our countries. And I want you to

Candace Plattor:

speak to that in a second. So first of all, I have to take a

Candace Plattor:

quick pause and say, Oh, my God, hell yeah. 36 years clean. Oh,

Candace Plattor:

my God in July. Amen, sister. It's incredible. That is

Candace Plattor:

amazing. I just want to acknowledge that because that is

Candace Plattor:

not a small achievement. That is a lifetime of work. That is a

Candace Plattor:

lifetime of work. Yes.

Howard Brown:

All right, tell worse and worse every minute.

Howard Brown:

Absolutely. Tell my audience something we that not everybody

Howard Brown:

knows about you something different.

Candace Plattor:

I think that there are a few things. But the

Candace Plattor:

one that I will tell you is that I saw the Beatles twice in

Candace Plattor:

person.

Howard Brown:

That is cool

Candace Plattor:

Yeah, once in 60, 65 or 65. In Atlanta,

Candace Plattor:

Georgia, once the year later in Toronto.

Howard Brown:

That's awesome. I can't tell you how many times I

Howard Brown:

saw the Grateful Dead so we won't go there, by the way. And

Howard Brown:

if you're on the video side of things, you have a beautiful art

Howard Brown:

piece of a butterfly behind you. It's you can't mistake it. It's

Howard Brown:

just gorgeous.

Candace Plattor:

maybe we can talk about what the butterfly

Candace Plattor:

means. To me anyway. Yeah,

Howard Brown:

let's look No, let's start there. What is the

Howard Brown:

butterfly mean to you?

Candace Plattor:

Oh, well, you know, most, okay, firstly, the

Candace Plattor:

butterfly starts off as a caterpillar. And the caterpillar

Candace Plattor:

gets no respect at all. The caterpillar, you know, goes

Candace Plattor:

along the ground and boys love to squish it and little girls

Candace Plattor:

love to shriek and say .... And, and teachers like to dissect it

Candace Plattor:

and biology class. And this is the life of a caterpillar

Candace Plattor:

through thought a caterpillar has an instinct and the instinct

Candace Plattor:

they know that if they don't change, they're going to die. So

Candace Plattor:

they shimmy up a tree trunk and onto a branch and they hang

Candace Plattor:

upside down and they create the sack of what I like to call bug

Candace Plattor:

juice. And they sit in their own bug juice, which could be kind

Candace Plattor:

of related to addiction recovery where we're sitting in our own

Candace Plattor:

bunk juice, and they sit in their bug juice, And they

Candace Plattor:

basically changed their entire DNA almost completely. The only

Candace Plattor:

thing that's left is this part here. You can see it the middle

Candace Plattor:

part. This is the caterpillar, that's the caterpillar. But it

Candace Plattor:

changes everything else and it grows these amazing wings on it

Candace Plattor:

turns into this beautiful, amazingly fragile, but strong,

Candace Plattor:

vulnerable but amazing creature. And when it's absolutely ready,

Candace Plattor:

out comes the butterfly from the bug juice. And nobody says, ewe,

Candace Plattor:

a butterfly. Everybody says, ah, a butterfly. And the, you know,

Candace Plattor:

the way I relate to it is that I was a caterpillar for a very

Candace Plattor:

long time. And I have now been a caterpillar a butterfly for

Candace Plattor:

quite a long time as well. And it's not negotiable for me, I am

Candace Plattor:

not going back to caterpillar.

Howard Brown:

I love the way that we started the show. That

Howard Brown:

transition. Thank you for that. And again, let's all be

Howard Brown:

butterflies as much as we can and not go back to being Oh,

Howard Brown:

yes, another pillar. So I love it. So all right, well, we gotta

Howard Brown:

go back back and talk about this. All right. Did you

Howard Brown:

yourself know? Oh, you have a butterfly coffee mug? Did you

Howard Brown:

know you are you did you know you are you are an addict.

Candace Plattor:

I didn't know that I was an addict until about

Candace Plattor:

15 years into an opioid addiction. That was just

Candace Plattor:

devastating. And that was brought on by prescribed

Candace Plattor:

medication for my Crohn's disease. I had no idea was an

Candace Plattor:

addict addiction wasn't on the radar at that time. It really

Candace Plattor:

wasn't nobody was talking about addiction in the mid 70s In the

Candace Plattor:

mid 70s, or 80s. So what happened for me is that I

Candace Plattor:

reached the bottom and they talk about people reaching their

Candace Plattor:

bottom. My bottom was pretty low. I was using all kinds of

Candace Plattor:

substances that were depressants in the human system. And I

Candace Plattor:

became so depressed, not knowing why I mean, I had this really

Candace Plattor:

difficult physical illness that I was dealing with sick so much

Candace Plattor:

of the time. But on top of that, like psychically, I was really

Candace Plattor:

depressed. And I got to a place where I really wasn't sure I

Candace Plattor:

wanted to live anymore. And I remember one night, standing in

Candace Plattor:

my apartment, I had my bottle of pills, because I had so many

Candace Plattor:

pills, I could easily kill myself and I had a plan and I

Candace Plattor:

was going to time it so nobody would find me. And I was

Candace Plattor:

starting to scare myself if you know. So I had this bottle of

Candace Plattor:

pills in one hand, and the phone in the other hand, and I called

Candace Plattor:

the Vancouver crisis centre. And somebody on that, on the other

Candace Plattor:

end of the line, listened to me, respected me and helped me see

Candace Plattor:

that I had a choice about this. I didn't have to continue to use

Candace Plattor:

all these drugs. And it was just amazing. But I I wasn't done

Candace Plattor:

yet. And I signed myself into a psych ward for about a month. So

Candace Plattor:

that because I was afraid if I had my clothes to have my car

Candace Plattor:

keys, I didn't know what I was going to do to myself. And I

Candace Plattor:

needed to be under some supervision and to get some

Candace Plattor:

counselling to get some help. So I did that. And while I was in

Candace Plattor:

there, I heard about Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics

Candace Plattor:

Anonymous, I had no idea what those were. I had no idea was an

Candace Plattor:

addict. That was your initial question. No, I didn't know I

Candace Plattor:

was an addict. But I soon found out that I was knowing that for

Candace Plattor:

me was the best thing that I could ever find out because then

Candace Plattor:

I knew what was going on and I knew I could do something about

Candace Plattor:

it. So you know some people don't like it. If you call them

Candace Plattor:

addicts, you're labelling them you're stigmatising them all

Candace Plattor:

that stuff. I don't. I don't buy into that. I think that's just a

Candace Plattor:

way of avoiding self responsibility. For me. I was

Candace Plattor:

really glad to know I was an addict. Because then I could

Candace Plattor:

become an addict in recovery, then I could become not an

Candace Plattor:

addict.

Howard Brown:

Yeah, I listen. I'm a two time stage four cancer

Howard Brown:

patient, survivor and advocate. It's who I am. It's part of me.

Howard Brown:

It's part of my journey. It's the cards I've had to play. So

Howard Brown:

you know, label or not, I'm a cancer. I'm a cancer patient for

Howard Brown:

the rest of my life and I have been twice so I you know I

Howard Brown:

wanted to so you know you so now you bottom you reach bottom, you

Howard Brown:

talked about that. And then also, you said that you didn't

Howard Brown:

know you were an addict until you got some supervision and

Howard Brown:

some some education now, and one of the questions how do you know

Howard Brown:

someone you love isn't addict for the you know anyone out

Howard Brown:

there in the Listening world or the watching world out there?

Howard Brown:

Who How do you know that what is something that they can look

Howard Brown:

for?

Candace Plattor:

There are many signs, you know, in terms of

Candace Plattor:

people changing their behaviours and doing things differently

Candace Plattor:

that can let you know that somebody's got a drug problem.

Candace Plattor:

Really, what, what the industry says is that the only person

Candace Plattor:

that can really say whether they're an addict is oneself.

Candace Plattor:

And I kind of agree with that. I think that's, that's something

Candace Plattor:

that we all come to in our own time. But if you think that

Candace Plattor:

somebody in your life has a problem with drugs, you're

Candace Plattor:

probably right. And what you're looking for is changes in

Candace Plattor:

behaviour. are they hanging out with different kinds of people?

Candace Plattor:

Are they isolating? are they losing jobs? They can't keep

Candace Plattor:

jobs, depending on how old the person is, you know, if it's a

Candace Plattor:

youth, are they are they changing their friend group,

Candace Plattor:

it's their are their grades going down? Are they not coming

Candace Plattor:

home and curfew? You know, there's a lot of things that you

Candace Plattor:

can be looking for. But mostly, temperament is going to change.

Candace Plattor:

Emotionally, you know, they're going to start being much more

Candace Plattor:

reactive in most cases, or very isolative, and not wanting

Candace Plattor:

anything to do with anyone. So you're looking for the changes

Candace Plattor:

in what's happening. Most people know whether they've got an

Candace Plattor:

addict on their hands. And an addiction isn't just drugs and

Candace Plattor:

alcohol addiction is video games, that they play into the

Candace Plattor:

night and can't go to school or work the next day, gambling,

Candace Plattor:

porn, there's just so many, there are so many things that we

Candace Plattor:

can use as addiction. Really, addiction is a symptom, it's

Candace Plattor:

really only a symptom of what's underneath it, what's causing

Candace Plattor:

it, what's going on for the person, what's really happening

Candace Plattor:

for that person, and a few love and addict then you're kind of

Candace Plattor:

in the same place where you have to look at what you need to do

Candace Plattor:

what you need not to do, and what's going on for you

Candace Plattor:

underneath to so that

Howard Brown:

Yeah, the family member as as part of your

Howard Brown:

practice, the family member and the or the caregiver or the

Howard Brown:

partner, the friend also needs to actually get some, some

Howard Brown:

coaching some education in order to be able to live and deal with

Howard Brown:

this. So one of the questions why why do you why do why do

Howard Brown:

people go down the path of addiction? And then this is the

Howard Brown:

secondary question, is that? Are you born with it? Or is it it's

Howard Brown:

something that just life throws at you and you use that as a

Howard Brown:

survivorship or survival technique?

Candace Plattor:

Yeah, what you're born with it, you know,

Candace Plattor:

the scientists haven't been able to prove that yet. And I've been

Candace Plattor:

waiting for that for for like, three, five years, to see

Candace Plattor:

whether they could come up with that. Because we don't know

Candace Plattor:

whether there's a genetic predisposition. We don't know

Candace Plattor:

that scientifically. But you know, when people grow up in a

Candace Plattor:

home where there's addiction, you learn what you live. And,

Candace Plattor:

and usually children go one of two ways. They either they

Candace Plattor:

either drink their first sip of beer when they're five, and just

Candace Plattor:

keep going, you know, because it was left out at the last party.

Candace Plattor:

Or they never touch this. They never touch it. Because they see

Candace Plattor:

what it's done to their parents or to other people. The reason

Candace Plattor:

that people use addiction is to feel different. Most people use

Candace Plattor:

addiction to feel better. They don't feel good about

Candace Plattor:

themselves. They don't like their lives. They want to escape

Candace Plattor:

from that. They use it to feel better. Some people who don't

Candace Plattor:

believe that they deserve to live any kind of happy life,

Candace Plattor:

even under the influence, use it to feel worse about themselves

Candace Plattor:

and to really build trip themselves and cripple

Candace Plattor:

themselves that way. But really, it's because we don't feel good

Candace Plattor:

about ourselves. We don't feel good about our lives, and we

Candace Plattor:

don't know what else to do about that. And it's the same with

Candace Plattor:

families when families have somebody with addiction. They

Candace Plattor:

don't know what to do about that either. So the family Is have to

Candace Plattor:

learn what to do and what not to do.

Howard Brown:

Yeah, and they need to learn those or else that

Howard Brown:

life can be pretty dark. And then bad things can happen,

Howard Brown:

right? Bad things can happen. And that's where learning to

Howard Brown:

grab on to a little bit of light to be able to turn it around.

Howard Brown:

And again, it's not easy, not easy to do to get back up again,

Howard Brown:

for sure. Now, you also, you state that addiction is really a

Howard Brown:

choice.

Howard Brown:

So what would you What do you mean by that?

Candace Plattor:

Well, what I don't mean by that, I'll start.

Candace Plattor:

I'll start there. First, what I don't mean is that people choose

Candace Plattor:

to become addicts. I don't think anybody chooses to become an

Candace Plattor:

addict. I don't think anybody says, Yeah, let's do that.

Candace Plattor:

That'll be fun. You know, nobody says that. I shouldn't say that.

Candace Plattor:

But once we're in active addiction, I can tell you, as an

Candace Plattor:

addict, that we know what we're doing to ourselves. Even if

Candace Plattor:

we're high as a kite, we know what we're doing to ourselves.

Candace Plattor:

And we also know what we're doing to the people who love us

Candace Plattor:

to the people around us. Once we're an active addiction, we

Candace Plattor:

have a choice about whether to stay in addiction, or whether to

Candace Plattor:

come out of addiction and go into some kind of recovery. And

Candace Plattor:

those of us who are in recovery, like myself, every one of us

Candace Plattor:

knows that we are in recovery, because we are making a choice

Candace Plattor:

every day. Sometimes every nanosecond, you know, of the

Candace Plattor:

day, to stay clean and sober, to stay away from whatever the

Candace Plattor:

addiction is, we're making a choice to do that, or we

Candace Plattor:

wouldn't be in recovery. And many people. Well, I don't know

Candace Plattor:

if it's many people, but enough people to mention it, you know,

Candace Plattor:

can have years of sobriety and then relapse, and they make a

Candace Plattor:

choice to go back into addiction. It's, you know,

Candace Plattor:

whether you think about it as a disease, which I don't, because

Candace Plattor:

I have a disease, and I know the difference between addiction and

Candace Plattor:

something like Crohn's or cancer, whether they see it that

Candace Plattor:

way, which is how they see it and 12 Step programmes, or

Candace Plattor:

you're looking at a genetic predisposition, or something

Candace Plattor:

else, underneath all of that. Addiction is a choice, you

Candace Plattor:

either are in addiction, or you choose not to be in addiction.

Candace Plattor:

And it's really that simple. It's not easy. not always an

Candace Plattor:

easy choice to make, but it's a simple choice, you are either in

Candace Plattor:

addiction or in recovery.

Howard Brown:

in different forms, destructive escapism,

Howard Brown:

looking to get out of pain is that all of the above

Candace Plattor:

all of the above all the above. And, and,

Candace Plattor:

and a lot of people start their addiction through pain, through

Candace Plattor:

physical pain, and the prescribed medications like I

Candace Plattor:

was, you know, when I was when they started prescribing these

Candace Plattor:

meds to me it was in the early 70s. They didn't know better, I

Candace Plattor:

don't think they did. You know, in the doctor's defence, really,

Candace Plattor:

we weren't talking about addiction. I don't think anybody

Candace Plattor:

thought about it. They just wanted to help this young woman

Candace Plattor:

who was coming into their office and crying all the time. That's

Candace Plattor:

what they wanted to do. So they gave me all this medication over

Candace Plattor:

and over and over and over for years. But the problem is that

Candace Plattor:

they're still doctors are still doing this. And now they know

Candace Plattor:

better. And they're still doing this. So a lot of people, you

Candace Plattor:

know, they've had an accident or something's happened to them.

Candace Plattor:

And they're in a great deal of physical pain, and that's real

Candace Plattor:

for them. And they're prescribed Oxycontin, or something like

Candace Plattor:

that, and they start using it. Wow, did they ever feel better?

Candace Plattor:

Yeah, I keep using it. And there are other ways that people can

Candace Plattor:

deal with pain. I just want to say that because I'm still in

Candace Plattor:

pain. I'm in pain with Crohn's disease. I you know, it's like

Candace Plattor:

your you'll always be a cancer survivor. I will always have

Candace Plattor:

Crohn's it doesn't have it doesn't have a cure, or there's

Candace Plattor:

no known cause there's no known cure. So, you know, you learn

Candace Plattor:

how to deal with it in a different way. And that is

Candace Plattor:

possible.

Howard Brown:

Yeah, no, I acquired stage three peripheral

Howard Brown:

neuropathy. I have burning in my fingertips and numbness in my

Howard Brown:

hands and feet and toes and it's a life it's a lifelong thing and

Howard Brown:

they you know, what they did? They want to give me Lyrica,

Howard Brown:

Gabapentin. Oh try acupressure, acupuncture. Nothing is worked,

Howard Brown:

And I I'm breathing and I'm alive, but it's something that I

Howard Brown:

am coping with and dealing with and trying to carry forward. And

Howard Brown:

I fully understand that. I'm really glad that you mentioned

Howard Brown:

other types besides just drug addiction, gambling, smoking,

Howard Brown:

drinking, or alcoholism, pornography video, because we're

Howard Brown:

coming out of we're coming out of the pandemic. And, yeah, I

Howard Brown:

like to say that it's okay not to be okay. Because everyone's

Howard Brown:

not okay. Everyone's emotional well being has been jilted.

Howard Brown:

Because we were restricted, we had to decide whether we're

Howard Brown:

taking a vaccine or not taking a vaccine. We couldn't go

Howard Brown:

anywhere. We wanted it all the times. Were now some working

Howard Brown:

from home, some are working back at the office, some are hybrid.

Howard Brown:

We've changed and, and also people I will mention this is

Howard Brown:

that people did not go get their checkups in their screenings.

Howard Brown:

And me as a as a cancer patient says, Go get your screenings

Howard Brown:

right now, timeout, go get your mammogram, go get your prostate

Howard Brown:

check, go get your cardio, go to the dentist, go get your

Howard Brown:

colonoscopy go get checked. So because a lot of people skip

Howard Brown:

them, but the big one right now, and I look at it from our

Howard Brown:

younger, younger people's kids. Boy, they lost a lot. They

Howard Brown:

didn't go to school, they had to learn on this zoom thing. And

Howard Brown:

boy, are they setback, but emotional well being I have a 21

Howard Brown:

year old now. And so I see things through her eyes. And

Howard Brown:

it's a digital world that they live in. And, boy, emotionally,

Howard Brown:

everyone's trying to get back on track. More Than Ever After this

Howard Brown:

after we've all lived through. So

Candace Plattor:

an addiction really, really rose during

Candace Plattor:

during the pandemic. In so many ways. Food is one of the ways

Candace Plattor:

that that addiction, you know, people ate their way through

Candace Plattor:

during the pandemic. None of us knew whether we were going to

Candace Plattor:

survive. Let's keep eating chocolate. What the hell, you

Candace Plattor:

know? So? No,

Howard Brown:

yeah, let's buy all the toilet paper off the

Howard Brown:

shelf at the supermarket. So no one else can have them. I'm

Howard Brown:

joking. I don't want to make light of it. Because this is a

Howard Brown:

very serious tone. You're right, yeah. 100%. Now, let me let me

Howard Brown:

tell you able to turn the corner. And now you're, you

Howard Brown:

know, I'm gonna call you a noted expert here. But you've you have

Howard Brown:

you wrote a book loving an addict and loving yourself one

Howard Brown:

of four books. And you have a top. Yeah, show you can show.

Howard Brown:

Yeah, we're gonna feature that in the show notes and the link

Howard Brown:

to it, people can go get a copy. And so you have 10 Top survival

Howard Brown:

tips, could you pick out a couple of the most important

Howard Brown:

ones and share them?

Candace Plattor:

Yeah. I think I think I have three favourites.

Candace Plattor:

And I'll just one of the first one is that you can't change or

Candace Plattor:

you can't control or fix another person. So stop trying. That's

Candace Plattor:

the first one. And there's a quote for every tip that I have,

Candace Plattor:

from different people. And for this for this tip. It's from

Candace Plattor:

Robert Heinlein. I don't I don't know if everybody knows who he

Candace Plattor:

was. He was a brilliant science fiction writer. He wrote so many

Candace Plattor:

books, but Stranger in a Strange Land was one of his books. And I

Candace Plattor:

always felt like a stranger in a strange land. So I really liked

Candace Plattor:

it. Anyway, he, his quote is never try to teach a pig to

Candace Plattor:

sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.So, you know, we

Candace Plattor:

can't change anybody else what we, if you've got an addict in

Candace Plattor:

your life, you can't make them stop using you can't make them

Candace Plattor:

stop. What you can do is you can make it much more uncomfortable

Candace Plattor:

for them to continue doing it. And this is what I help family

Candace Plattor:

members learn about. So. So the next one is learn the difference

Candace Plattor:

between helping and enabling. So that that tip is probably the

Candace Plattor:

most important one in the book. So enabling, an enabling

Candace Plattor:

behaviour is one that keeps an addict stuck in their addiction.

Candace Plattor:

So it's like giving money to an attic. You know, all mom I need

Candace Plattor:

20 bucks. So mom says okay, well what's 20 bucks, so give them 20

Candace Plattor:

bucks and we know where that money is gonna go it's gonna go

Candace Plattor:

down his throat up his nose and his arm, you know? And, and if

Candace Plattor:

we can, money is not the only way that people enable an

Candace Plattor:

addict. But it's probably the biggest way that they do and and

Candace Plattor:

if you're, if you're letting an addict an act of addiction, live

Candace Plattor:

in your family home and use or drink in your family home and be

Candace Plattor:

obnoxious and punch holes in the walls when he's angry or, you

Candace Plattor:

know, if you're going to continue to let them live there

Candace Plattor:

rent free. That gives them more money for their addiction,

Candace Plattor:

you're maybe doing their laundry, you're buying the

Candace Plattor:

groceries and cooking their meals. Don't do that. Don't do

Candace Plattor:

that. So this book tells you how to stop enabling, because you're

Candace Plattor:

just contributing to keeping the addict stuck. Why should they

Candace Plattor:

change? And enabled addict does not recover? Because really, why

Candace Plattor:

should they, they've got it going on, they got it made,

Candace Plattor:

except for the fact that they hate themselves. So what you

Candace Plattor:

want to do is learn how to actually help, how to set

Candace Plattor:

boundaries, with consequences, that means something to the

Candace Plattor:

addict. And the most important message to give an addict, the

Candace Plattor:

addict that you love, families need to love their addicts, but

Candace Plattor:

they need to be healthy when they do that. The message is, we

Candace Plattor:

love you so much. And because we love you so much, we're not

Candace Plattor:

going to support you in your addiction anymore. We don't want

Candace Plattor:

to see you in addiction. It's a horrible life for you, it tears

Candace Plattor:

us apart, watching you do this to yourself. So we're not going

Candace Plattor:

to support your addiction, when you're ready to be in recovery,

Candace Plattor:

then come to us, let us know that and we'll be there for you.

Candace Plattor:

But if your choice is to continue to use, or drink, or

Candace Plattor:

stay in the basement and watch video games, or or or if that's

Candace Plattor:

your choice, we are not going to support that anymore. And it's

Candace Plattor:

because we love you not because we don't, it's not a punishment,

Candace Plattor:

it's to help you get well. So most of the kinds of helping

Candace Plattor:

behaviours that need to happen, that families need to learn how

Candace Plattor:

to do so that they're addicts make a different choice.

Howard Brown:

Wow, powerful. Just I'm taking notes. There's,

Howard Brown:

I mean, I have to tell you, you're helping not only speak to

Howard Brown:

me and educate my audience, I don't have a lot of experience

Howard Brown:

in this area. But I do mentor and have coaching clients for

Howard Brown:

survivorship, a lot of cancer patients, but they're, it's this

Howard Brown:

is helpful for me because I'm learning and I want to

Howard Brown:

incorporate some of this into into into how I lead and teach

Howard Brown:

and live. I out of your book, you actually talk about the

Howard Brown:

importance of self care for those who are in relationships

Howard Brown:

with addicts, I'd love you to expand on that. Because I think

Howard Brown:

it's important we we hear self care bounded about but it means

Howard Brown:

something. And you're going I want you to tell if

Candace Plattor:

it really does. And it was going to be the third

Candace Plattor:

tip that I was talking about. So I'm glad you brought it up. So

Candace Plattor:

the chapter on self care, it's called know that self care does

Candace Plattor:

not equal selfish. Because a lot of people get that one confused.

Candace Plattor:

If I take care of myself, I'm being selfish. No, you're not.

Candace Plattor:

And you're being healthy, and you're being exactly the way you

Candace Plattor:

need to be, especially if you have an artist in your life. So

Candace Plattor:

I like to talk about the analogy that everybody's heard that, you

Candace Plattor:

know, when you're on the aeroplane, the steward of the

Candace Plattor:

flight attendant comes on the microphone and says, If we hit

Candace Plattor:

that turbulence, you know, the masks gonna drop down. And they

Candace Plattor:

always say, put your own mask on first. Right? Because if you

Candace Plattor:

don't put your own mask on first, you're trying to get the

Candace Plattor:

mask on a baby or somebody who's second invalid, or somebody's

Candace Plattor:

very old or something like that. You're trying to help them

Candace Plattor:

first, you're going to be on the floor of the plane, not able to

Candace Plattor:

breathe, right? So you need to make sure that you're breathing

Candace Plattor:

first, and then you help them. it's really tempting to do it

Candace Plattor:

the other way around. And a lot of people who love addicts are

Candace Plattor:

putting the addicts first there putting the addicts needs first

Candace Plattor:

is the worst thing you can do. You need to be a different kind

Candace Plattor:

of role model. You need to have your own life, go golfing, do

Candace Plattor:

what you love to do, and, and role model that for the addict

Candace Plattor:

to be to have the addict be the centre of your life is not good

Candace Plattor:

for them. It creates an entitlement in them, and it's

Candace Plattor:

not good for you. So self care. You know, when we think about

Candace Plattor:

self care, there's the four pillars of self care. So there's

Candace Plattor:

physical and mental and emotional and spiritual, and

Candace Plattor:

it's really important to know how to take care of yourself in

Candace Plattor:

all of those ways. So in my book, I talk about all of those

Candace Plattor:

ways to do that.

Howard Brown:

I have to tell you, we're like kindred spirits,

Howard Brown:

because in my book, I talked about finding your happy place

Howard Brown:

for self care. Mine happens to be the basketball court, but I

Howard Brown:

could care less if it's cooking, hiking, jogging, travelling,

Howard Brown:

music, yoga, it's all good. And then I agree with you, if you

Howard Brown:

don't lift ourselves up, how can you actually lift up others and

Howard Brown:

you're constantly lifting up the addict at the expense of your

Howard Brown:

own needs, and my caregiver wife gave up everything to help take

Howard Brown:

care of me and my daughter and gave up her needs. So our

Howard Brown:

caregiving and family members, they pay a price. And I think

Howard Brown:

that's what you're saying.

Candace Plattor:

But you know, the people who are being

Candace Plattor:

caretaken, also pay a price. Because there's a certain amount

Candace Plattor:

of resilience that we all have. And even people who are sick,

Candace Plattor:

have resiliency and we need, I mean, I've been very sick in my

Candace Plattor:

life. And I, I needed to develop myself and know that there were

Candace Plattor:

things I could do for myself. Maybe I was limited, I was much

Candace Plattor:

more limited than I am today. But I could still do things for

Candace Plattor:

myself. If I had had somebody who always did everything for

Candace Plattor:

me. I don't know if I'd be sitting here with you today.

Howard Brown:

I hear you and I'm with you. You have to take some

Howard Brown:

ownership some some own responsibility and

Howard Brown:

accountability for yourself and make this step forward and

Howard Brown:

inadequate stay want to choose to stay in that addiction in

Howard Brown:

that world. And until they make that choice to get help and get

Howard Brown:

recovery. It's kinda like just knocking your head up against

Howard Brown:

the wall. You're gonna get a big headache for as the family

Howard Brown:

member or caregiver. Alright, so I got those feel, but it does

Howard Brown:

feel really good when you stop. Yeah, against the wall. It does.

Howard Brown:

It does. Absolutely. Even if you put an ice pack on it to help

Howard Brown:

you. I got a big this is this is a question that can anyone can

Howard Brown:

you really ever get over addiction?

Candace Plattor:

Absolutely. I am living proof that you can get

Candace Plattor:

over addiction. All you have to do is make different choices

Candace Plattor:

every day. You have to want it. There's a you know what, there's

Candace Plattor:

a saying in 12 Step programmes, there's so many great sayings.

Candace Plattor:

One of them is you gotta wanna, you got to wanna, you got to

Candace Plattor:

want it. If you want recovery, you can have recovery. If you

Candace Plattor:

don't want recover, you want to stay in addiction. I feel for

Candace Plattor:

you. I've been where you are, I understand. But, you know,

Candace Plattor:

there's not a whole lot I can do for you, except change some of

Candace Plattor:

the things that I'm doing if I'm in relationship with you. It

Candace Plattor:

sounds like you know, you know, I agree with you that and I

Candace Plattor:

asked that question not 100% knowing the answer, but you're

Candace Plattor:

living intentionally meaningfully absolutely

Candace Plattor:

intentional. I love that. Yeah,

Howard Brown:

that was the word that was the word that came to

Howard Brown:

me. This, I have to tell you, I'm the student here and this

Howard Brown:

and this podcast today. With you, Candace, and the service

Howard Brown:

that you provide are vital. i What was it like giving a TEDx

Howard Brown:

talk? Was that the coolest? Was that? Just excited?

Candace Plattor:

You know, it was so exciting. I was so

Candace Plattor:

nervous. I've told the story before I was waiting in the

Candace Plattor:

wings to have my name called to go out. if anybody's interested

Candace Plattor:

in doing a TEDx talk, I would look into it and do it. If it's,

Howard Brown:

I'm planning on that for myself. It's on my list

Howard Brown:

to do and I'm gonna do it. And it's really, really important. I

Howard Brown:

if it's a passion for you, if you've got something to say, if

Howard Brown:

watched your TEDx talk, I'm going to include it in the

Howard Brown:

shownotes and on when I when we publicise the episode, I think

Howard Brown:

it's incredible for you that you've done that some major

Howard Brown:

kudos and accomplishment so I want to applaud you. So we're

Howard Brown:

all right, we're gonna head down to the shining brightly moment.

Howard Brown:

you've got a message, to help people think about something in

Howard Brown:

For those of you on audio I'm putting on my white and gold

Howard Brown:

glasses that are reflecting beautifully off the butterfly

Howard Brown:

enough of Candace, you are in the shining, brightly spotlight.

Howard Brown:

I want people to know how they should best get in touch with

Howard Brown:

a different way. Go for it.

Howard Brown:

you, and then give some final comments and we're going to take

Howard Brown:

the show home.

Candace Plattor:

Okay. So my business is called love with

Candace Plattor:

boundaries, because we need to love and we need to love with

Candace Plattor:

boundaries, otherwise we get stomped on. So

Candace Plattor:

lovewithboundaries.com is the website, please go to the

Candace Plattor:

website. If you go there and you sign up for my newsletter, then

Candace Plattor:

you can get a free report. That's called the seven tips to

Candace Plattor:

outsmarting your addiction. So if you've got an addict in your

Candace Plattor:

life, you can maybe give it to them and have them read it after

Candace Plattor:

you read it. By the way, my book is not for the addict, please

Candace Plattor:

don't find my book thinking we're gonna give it to the

Candace Plattor:

addict. Addicts hate my book. This is for you the loved one,

Candace Plattor:

they get really mad at me because I'm talking about

Candace Plattor:

boundaries. And you know, addicts don't like hearing the

Candace Plattor:

word no. So don't give my book to an addict. So, so loving and

Candace Plattor:

loving an addict Loving Yourself is my book

Candace Plattor:

lovewithboundaries.com is my website, we offer a 30 minute

Candace Plattor:

free, absolutely no strings attached consultation, we

Candace Plattor:

usually do it on Zoom. We're International, we've got clients

Candace Plattor:

from so many different places in the world. And if you are

Candace Plattor:

thinking that you would like to have some help, if you're even

Candace Plattor:

thinking about it, get in touch with us. If you're thinking

Candace Plattor:

about it, it means that you've been through the wringer

Candace Plattor:

already, you don't want to do this anymore, you want to find

Candace Plattor:

out how to make this stop for you, and it can stop, it can

Candace Plattor:

definitely get better. So you can get in touch with us on the

Candace Plattor:

website, there's a link to a questionnaire that you fill out

Candace Plattor:

as soon as we get the question or we'll get in touch with you.

Candace Plattor:

And I think we'll give you I'll give you that for your show

Candace Plattor:

notes as well.

Howard Brown:

I appreciate that.

Candace Plattor:

So there's no obligation if you want to work

Candace Plattor:

with us you do if you don't want to work with us, you don't.

Candace Plattor:

Those people who are ready and follow the suggestions that we

Candace Plattor:

have. The results are just astounding.

Howard Brown:

Well, I got to tell you website, you actually

Howard Brown:

have seven tips, okay, and you can get a free 30 minute

Howard Brown:

consultation. Whether you're the addict or the family member, I

Howard Brown:

have to tell you, this is a valuable resource. Kenneth, I

Howard Brown:

want to thank you. This is not a topic that I am that I'm much

Howard Brown:

more educated now. And I'm just thrilled because we're going to

Howard Brown:

help a lot of people together today just by actually speaking

Howard Brown:

for these 30 minutes. And so yeah, so thank you. And I love

Howard Brown:

that said the butterfly story that started us well, it will

Howard Brown:

take us out, we're all going to kind of try to be butterflies as

Howard Brown:

much as possible. So you can get Howard Brown and

Howard Brown:

shiningbrightly.com You can find my book, you can book me to

Howard Brown:

speak on a podcast on a stage or actually even find this podcast.

Howard Brown:

And if we shine brightly just a little bit each day, we actually

Howard Brown:

can make the world a better place for ourselves, for others

Howard Brown:

and for our communities. Thank you. Thank you, Candace, you've

Howard Brown:

been a beautiful guest and what a great, great show today.

Candace Plattor:

Thank you. Howard, bye everyone.

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