Last week we talked about anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. How we make our partner the threat. How reactivity is the anxiety.

This week is the question underneath that: why does their disagreement knock the floor out from under you?

A lot of us don’t actually know who we are unless someone is reflecting it back. Praise. A title. Being busy. A spouse who validates us. A room that doesn’t push back. Those things feel like a self. They’re boosters. They work for a minute. Then they wear off, and we need the next one.

That’s borrowing a self. And a borrowed self experiences “I don’t see it that way” as a threat. So of course we manage their mood. Of course we please, campaign, or reach for distance. We’re trying to get the floor back.

In this episode we talk about:

• Why you can look so capable at work and come undone at home
• How boosters and borrowed selves make difference feel dangerous
• What differentiation actually means in a marriage
• Why cutting people out soothes anxiety, until you run out of people
• Small ways to start using your own mind again

You can see a hard thing differently than your partner sees it and still stay in the room. Not because you agree. Because you each have enough self to let the other person have a self too.

This week’s practice

Notice:

• When do I use my achievements to prop up my sense of self, or even just my mood?
• When have I focused more on getting love or praise than on developing my own beliefs, principles, or interests?
• How might I take a little more responsibility for my sense of self this week?

And in the moment: stop. Breathe. Ask how the best version of you would want to respond. Try your own thinking before you ask someone to tell you, fix it, or approve it.

Mentioned

Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down

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If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us.

If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.