If you are beating yourself up over ideas like, 'I made a mistake' or 'I keep sabotaging', then join Dr Demartini and discover how important it is to not buy into the idea that there are mistakes. Learn how to find the hidden order in the apparent chaos and realize no matter what you’ve done or not done you’re worthy of love.

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They're a narcissist, you're a

narcissist, and you keep making mistakes,

2

and you're not respecting me and

you're betraying. And all this is,

3

is basically not understanding

how human behavior works.

4

So often I hear people judging

themselves and beating themselves up over

5

ideas like, oh, I made a

mistake, I screwed up, or I

keep sabotaging, or I keep,

6

you know, messing up or whatever.

7

And I'd like to address

that topic today because,

8

if we look very carefully at

the times we think other people

9

make mistakes,

10

we sometimes are projecting or often

projecting our values onto them and

11

expecting them to live in our values.

12

And therefore we're expecting them to

live outside their own values and they're

13

making decisions based on their values.

14

And then when we expect

them to live in our values,

15

we're going to end up

being feeling betrayed.

16

We're going to feel like

they're screwing up,

17

feel like they're not

living up to expectation.

18

Anytime somebody doesn't

live up to our expectation,

19

our dopamine levels go down and we feel

sorrowed and kind of angry and unmet

20

expectation. Anytime they

exceed our expectation,

21

we feel the joy and all this other higher

22

dopamine response. But we don't,

23

it's unrealistic to expect

somebody to live in our values.

24

So anytime we're proud and looking down

on somebody and projecting our values

25

onto them and expect them

to live in our values,

26

we're setting ourselves up for betrayal.

27

We're setting ourselves for thinking

they keep making a mistake and they're

28

wrong,

29

and we need to fix them and change them

and get them to be more like the way we

30

want. And this is an illusion.

31

They're not actually making

mistakes in their value system.

32

They're making an assessment and

making a decision based on their

33

values in that moment with the

information that they've got.

34

And in their value system,

it's not a mistake.

35

They're making a decision based

on what they're perceiving.

36

But in our perception and our

values, we may label them a mistake.

37

Many times when people

hire people in a company,

38

they don't realize that if the

individual does not feel that the job

39

responsibilities is helping them

fulfill what they value most,

40

and it's not helping

them fulfill their life,

41

they'll keep doing things that are more

fulfilling. And then you'll think, well,

42

I've hired the wrong person, or I've,

43

and in some cases you have not screened

that individual out to see if they're

44

really engaged and

inspired to do the work.

45

And so that's a lesson in feedback to

let you know that who you're hiring.

46

But to label them and say,

well they keep making mistakes,

47

they keep not doing what I've asked,

48

is an expectation of them

to just live in your values.

49

So if you're employer and you're

employing people you want to know

50

a very simple thing,

51

is how specifically is the job duties

helping them fulfill what's most

52

meaningful to them? Nobody goes

to work for the sake of a company.

53

They go to work for

fulfilling their values.

54

If they are engaged and are

inspired to do the work,

55

and they can see how the job

responsibilities will do that,

56

the probability of you labeling

them making mistakes goes down.

57

Because they're fulfilling

what's valuable to them,

58

and they're making

decisions according to that.

59

If you also expect yourself to

live in somebody else's values,

60

let's say you infatuate with somebody and

put them on a pedestal and inject some

61

of their values into your life,

62

and you're too humble to admit what

you see in them is inside you and you

63

playing small to them

and inject their values,

64

and you try to live in their values,

you'll think, what am I doing wrong?

65

I keep sabotaging, I keep having limited

beliefs, I keep not being disciplined,

66

I'm not focused, I keep making mistakes.

67

Because you're trying to live in

somebody else's value when in fact,

68

you're here to design to

live in your own. Now,

69

if you can see how you can fulfill

your own values by fulfilling theirs,

70

that's fine. You can do

that. But in reality,

71

many people are going around

thinking, I keep making mistakes.

72

I keep screwing up. I keep having

limited beliefs. I keep having sabotage.

73

I keep, you know, not

being focused. I asked,

74

in 1980s, I asked many,

75

many groups that I was speaking to to

write down the number one question you'd

76

like to have addressed

in this presentation.

77

And to just to gather data to see

what people are interested in.

78

And believe it or not,

79

one of the most common things

80

how do I stay focused?

81

Many people are trying to live in other

people's values and then wondering why

82

they can't stay focused and they're not

disciplined and they're not staying on

83

track.

84

And that's because they're trying to

live in somebody else's values and trying

85

to be somebody they're not,

instead of being who they are.

86

And this is very common.

87

So as long as you go around and

project your values onto others,

88

you're going to expect them to live in

your values and you're going to feel

89

betrayed and you're going to feel that

they're not living up to what you expect

90

and thinking they're making mistakes and

you want to fix them and change them.

91

And people want to be

loved for who they are.

92

And who they are is reflection

of what they value most.

93

Their highest value is

their ontological identity,

94

and that's what their

life revolves around.

95

So if you don't know what that is and

you expect them to live outside that,

96

you're going to feel that they're

making mistakes and label them you know,

97

incompetent, you're going to put

all kind of labels on people.

98

But in their values, they're

very competent, in their values,

99

they don't make mistakes, in their

values they're doing quite well,

100

except that they're not

doing it in your values.

101

So it's very important to stop and reflect

and look at what your highest values

102

are. Look at what other

people's highest values,

103

and if you want them to do

something that's important to you,

104

so they're less likely

to make "a mistake",

105

then articulate what you want done in a

way where they're getting their highest

106

values met, so then they have an engaged

position where they're going to do it,

107

and then they, you don't

think they make mistakes.

108

But if they are not seeing

the correlations between

what you want done and what

109

their values are, they're going to

make decisions based on their values,

110

and you're going to think there's

something wrong with them,

111

you're going to want to fix them.

And this happens in relationship.

112

Two people that are in a relationship

with two different sets of values,

113

two hierarchy of values.

114

If you can't see how their highest

values help you fulfill yours,

115

you're going to want to fix them.

116

If they can't see how your highest

values help them fulfill theirs,

117

they're going to want to fix you.

118

If two people are in their amygdala and

they're driven for pride and thinking

119

their values are right and your values

are wrong, imagine those two clashing.

120

You got a lot of conflict there.

121

And you both keep thinking yourselves

are narcissists, they're a narcissist,

122

you're a narcissist,

123

and you keep making mistakes and you're

not respecting me and you're betraying.

124

And all this is, is basically not

understanding how human behavior works,

125

how that people make decisions

according to their values, not yours.

126

And they don't make

mistakes in their values.

127

They're making an assessment according

to the data that they're perceiving.

128

And it's only labeled a mistake by

somebody who has a different set of values

129

many times. So watch out

for the projection of the

idea that they're mistaken.

130

You may be thinking, well,

you keep making mistakes,

131

but that's because you're expecting

yourself to live outside your own highest

132

values. And that's the frustration.

I have people, you know,

133

they go out and they say, well, I

want to be financially independent.

134

And they don't have a real

value on financial independence.

135

They have a value on buying immediate

gratifying consumables that depreciate in

136

value, and they can't seem to get

ahead, and they keep thinking,

137

I keep making mistakes, I keep being

sidetracked, I keep not being disciplined.

138

And they expect themselves to be doing

something that's not really important to

139

them. But they think it's important to

them. They wish it was important to them,

140

but it's not really important to them.

141

Your hierarchy of values dictates your

destiny, and it makes all your decisions,

142

all your perception, decisions

and actions are based on it.

143

If you expect yourself to live outside

that you're going to feel betrayed,

144

you're going to feel frustrated, you're

going to end up self depreciating.

145

A lot of self depreciation comes from

expecting yourself to live in other

146

people's values, to try to be

second at being somebody else.

147

That's why the law of contrast leads

to this. Let me give you an example.

148

If you have a beaker of water

that's really cold, say 40 degrees,

149

a beaker of water, that's 72 degrees,

tepid, and another beaker water,

150

that's 140 degrees, hot. If you

put a thermometer in each one,

151

you'll get those readings, forty,

seventy two, a hundred forty.

152

But if you take your hand

and put it in the 40 degrees,

153

make it cold for a minute, then stick

it in the 72 degrees, the tepid,

154

it'll feel like 90 degrees in comparison.

155

And if you take the 140 degrees and

stick it in there and go, Ooh, burn,

156

and then stick it in the tepid,

it'll feel like 50 degrees.

157

So the second you compare

yourself to somebody else,

158

you'll have a subjectively

misinterpretation of

the actual temperature.

159

The second you compare

yourself to somebody else,

160

you'll have a subjective bias

interpretation thinking there's mistakes,

161

you'll over undershoot.

That's what mistakes are,

162

it's based on the law of contrast.

163

So anytime we compare

ourselves to other people,

164

we automatically increase the probability

of labeling us or them mistaken.

165

And this creates all kind of gyrations

and emotions and all kind of punishments

166

and false attribution biases and

false causalities and projections

167

and injections,

168

and stop us from happening to be inspired

by our life and seeing the higher

169

order and the so-called

perfection that's in our lives.

170

We basically go around

and thinking there's a big

mistake. We keep screwing up.

171

We keep sabotaging, as I've said,

but actually it's just a comparison.

172

And that's why it's not wise to

compare yourself to other people.

173

It's wise to compare your daily

actions to what you value most.

174

If you compare your daily actions and

prioritize your actions and stick to

175

highest priorities, you will feel most

fulfilled, the least amount of mistakes.

176

And if you understand what other people's

highest values are and make sure that

177

they can see how what you're

asking them to do matches that,

178

they won't make mistakes. You

won't label them making mistakes.

179

They'll be doing what they're inspired

to do. They're making perceptions,

180

decisions, and actions accordingly. So

the idea that, do I really make mistakes,

181

is an interesting question.

182

Maybe they're only mistakes based on the

comparison and based on the projection

183

of somebody else's values or

our values onto somebody else,

184

and therefore we actually have a higher

order of what's going on in life.

185

A lot of times we think, I have

people in the Breakthrough Experience,

186

my signature program, people coming

almost every week asking, you know,

187

I really screwed up here. I

really feel guilty about this.

188

I really feel that I messed

up here, made a big mistake.

189

I should have done this. I'm

supposed to have done this.

190

And I go in there and I do what I call

the Demartini Method and have them go in

191

there and find out what they did and how

it served the people and how it served

192

them, and balance out the equation.

193

And then they discover that in their

values, they didn't make a mistake,

194

but the other individual had

an expectation and projected

their values onto them

195

and labeled them that way. And then

they were looking up to this individual,

196

injecting those values,

197

and then labeling themselves

mistaken and feeling ashamed.

198

And this is because we just don't take

the time to balance out the equation,

199

and we don't realize that we're living

in our values and they're living in

200

theirs.

201

So if we minimize ourself to somebody

and they project their values onto us,

202

or we inject it onto us,

then we automatically think

we're making a mistake.

203

And if we do the same and look down on

them and project our values on them,

204

we're going to think

they're making a mistake.

205

But maybe they're not in their values

and maybe we're not in our values.

206

Maybe we just haven't looked deep enough.

207

Maybe there's a hidden

order in the apparent chaos.

208

That's why in the Breakthrough Experience,

209

when I have people coming in

there with pride or shame,

210

I go in and I neutralize them out until

they love themselves. When you're proud,

211

you're inauthentic. When you're

ashamed, you're inauthentic,

212

you're exaggerating and minimizing

a persona, covering up the real you.

213

And when you put people on pedestals or

people in pits and inject the values or

214

projective values, you automatically

have in errored, you might say,

215

lopsided perceptions and you have

a distortion of who they are.

216

And this guarantees that you're

going to project labels onto them,

217

and you're going to, you know,

218

look down on them as a villain or look

up to them as a hero or look down on

219

yourself or up at yourself. And either

of these are not the authentic you,

220

and you want to be loved for who you are,

221

and you want them to be loved for who

they are. So balance out the equation,

222

and you dissolve the

illusions of mistakes.

223

You dissolve the illusions

of their imperfections,

224

and you start to appreciate your life.

225

In the Breakthrough Experience

I teach people how to do that,

226

and it's really amazing. They go in,

227

they come into the Breakthrough Experience

with these judgments on themselves or

228

others, and then when they go through

the Demartini Method, it's dissolved,

229

and then they realize that there

was a hidden order in the chaos,

230

and they didn't know how to ask the

right questions to balance it out.

231

And then they realize there's

nothing to fix .

232

And when there's nothing to fix

their will, the way they wanted it,

233

now matches the way it is

and now they're grateful.

234

Whenever you project your values on them

and expect them to live in your values

235

or inject their values into you

and expect to live in their values,

236

you're going to have this perception

that you thought you made mistakes.

237

And you're going to see the

imperfections of nature of life.

238

But the second you ask the right

questions and balance out the equation and

239

understand people live in their

values and you live in yours,

240

a whole lot of difference comes

along. You'll have more gratitude,

241

more appreciation for life, more

love for yourself and other people.

242

You'll be more inspired, you'll

be more enthused about life.

243

You'll be more certain

and present about life.

244

And those are very powerful transcendental

states that allow us to live a more

245

fulfilled life.

246

So are we really having mistakes or are

we basically projecting our values onto

247

others or injecting their values into us

and trying to get others to live in our

248

values or us into their values?

This is an interesting question.

249

So stop and reflect and make sure whenever

you hear yourself saying, I should,

250

I ought to, I'm supposed to, I got

to, I have to, I must, I need to,

251

you're guaranteed that those are injected

values by some outer authority that

252

you're trying to live in, and you're

guaranteed to be thinking, oh,

253

I'm not living up to that expectation.

And anytime you say you should,

254

you ought to, you got to, you

have to, you must, you need to,

255

you got the same thing projected.

Listen to your imperative language,

256

got to, have to, must, should,

ought to, supposed to, need to.

257

All of those are signs of projections

and injections and guarantees to create

258

the thoughts that there's mistakes going

on. And these lead to prides or shames,

259

and you start to think, well, there's

something wrong with me, when in fact,

260

there isn't.

261

The magnificence of who you are is far

greater than all those things you impose

262

on yourself. So give yourself

permission to shine, not shrink.

263

Give yourself permission to

be authentic, not inauthentic,

264

and give yourself permission

to live according to your

own values and articulate

265

your values in terms

of other people values.

266

And hire people that are inspired to

do what you want done so you have less

267

labels on them and more

appreciation for their contribution.

268

And it frees you up to

do the same in your life,

269

to live by priority

and be more productive.

270

So just wanted to take a few moments

to share how important it is to not buy

271

into the idea that there's

mistakes. Look beyond that.

272

Find the hidden order in the apparent

chaos and realize it's value driven.

273

That if you try to live in other

people's values, you'll have futility.

274

If you try to get others to live in

your values, you'll have futility.

275

But if you communicate your values

in terms of other people's values,

276

you have utility. And that's where

you have sustainable fair exchange,

277

and you don't feel like you're making

mistakes and sabotaging and self

278

depreciating or depreciating other

people and thinking they do the same.

279

So just wanted to take that

few moments to talk about that.

280

And just know that the

Breakthrough Experience,

281

particularly in the section where I show

people how to determine their values

282

and how to live congruently according to

it so they have less self depreciation,

283

and doing the Demartini Method,

284

dissolving all the emotional baggage

that you thought you've made mistakes in

285

your life, which is keeping you from

being grateful and empowered in life.

286

I can show you how to dissolve that and

you'll do it so you learn it and you'll

287

have that for life.

288

So come and join me at the Breakthrough

Experience so I can transform that

289

perception that you thought was a

mistake in your life or others' lives,

290

and allow you to see the magnificent

order that may be there after all.

291

So until next week, I'll see you then,

292

or I'll see you at the

Breakthrough Experience.