Synopsis:

Illness, grief, ageing parents, dangerous situations and mental health struggles are part of life and will eventually touch most couples — including those living apart because of work. In some professions, such as humanitarian work, foreign service, military or high-travel careers, these pressures are not exceptional but part and parcel of the lifestyle itself. This episode explores some of the deeper, often overlooked realities faced by couples trying to remain connected and resilient through seasons of crisis and separation.

Other situations can arise in travel: riots or security issues in-country of travel, that ‘makes the news’, visa issues and night in jail, travel to where insurance will not cover, travel outside of zone of communication.

8 lessons from Chapter 4 ‘When Storms Come’ of the book Holding the Fort Abroad

Build a “Crisis Agreement” Before You Need One

Don’t wait until someone is sick, stranded or grieving to decide how you will function as a couple. Discuss practical questions in advance:

• What would trigger an evacuation?
• When does work stop being the priority?
• Who flies where in an emergency?
• What happens if one partner cannot travel home quickly?

Couples often assume they are on the same page until a crisis exposes very different expectations.

The Travelling Partner Is Still Part of Caregiving

Distance does not remove responsibility.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p101-102

Even when one partner is abroad, they can still:

• monitor ageing parents through regular calls
• notice emotional or cognitive decline
• coordinate care remotely
• emotionally support the caregiving partner
• help carry the mental load

Care is not only practical. Emotional presence matters too.

If you are living something difficult while apart at the moment, how can the travelling partner be involved, even at a distance?

The “Holding the Fort” Partner Needs a Team, Not Hero Status

One of the hidden dangers of expat and travel-heavy life is becoming overly self-reliant.

In crisis, the strongest couples are usually the ones who already built:

• neighbour relationships
• school connections
• church/community ties
• emergency childcare options
• trusted medical contacts
• Paid help: parenting coaches, financial adviser, associations that offer help for free, home organiser, home help, administrative assistant

Isolation turns manageable crises into overwhelming ones.

Who is in your team? What support would be helpful other than home help or babysitting/childminding?

Re-Entry After Crisis Matters

When a travelling partner finally comes home after illness, grief or emergency, couples often assume relief will instantly follow. Instead, re-entry can be surprisingly tense.

The partner at home may have developed survival routines and emotional armour. The returning partner may arrive exhausted and unsure how to step back in.

Couples need to consciously make space for reintegration instead of assuming it happens naturally.

Trauma Travels Home Quietly

Dangerous jobs do not only affect the person travelling. Trauma often enters the home silently through:

• withdrawal
• irritability
• emotional numbness
• hypervigilance
• difficulty reconnecting

Many globally mobile families normalise this because “the mission matters.” But unprocessed trauma eventually affects the marriage and children too.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p106-107

Long-Distance Families Need Different Definitions of Strength

Strength is not always:

• coping alone
• never crying
• handling everything perfectly
• pushing through exhaustion

Sometimes strength is:

• calling a helpline at 3am
• admitting you are overwhelmed
• postponing big relationship decisions during crisis
• asking someone to pick up your children
• seeking outside help before things collapse

Watch for “Compressed Pressure”

In globally mobile life, crises rarely arrive one at a time.

You may simultaneously be:

• solo parenting
• caring for ageing parents
• dealing with medical systems
• grieving
• navigating international logistics
• managing work travel
• supporting children emotionally

The problem is not always one dramatic event. It is cumulative pressure with no recovery time in between.

Don’t Make Permanent Decisions Inside Temporary Storms

One of the wisest insights in the chapter is that extraordinary stress distorts perspective.

Couples often question:

• the marriage
• the expat life
• the travel arrangement
• themselves

during seasons where nobody is functioning normally.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p99

“Don’t take drastic action if exceptional circumstances strain your couple and bring difficulties between you,” cautions Béatrice de Carpentier. “These difficulties, although real, are exacerbated and may not reflect you as a couple in ‘normal’ circumstances. Wait until things calm down.” Stephen Covey writes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People of the moment that changed his life. He was perusing books in a library when he came across this statement: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” It is also a useful principle when responding to a crisis. Pause, just pause, even for a fraction of a second. Remember, in that time, to include yourself in the response-scenario.

In the next episode

Chapter 5 is on Parenting Together. (Chapter 5) The RC has a workshop about that too.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

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Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.