This week, we plunge headfirst into the moral void—starting with Cristiano Ronaldo, who just inked another Saudi contract big enough to make oil executives blush and human rights quietly weep. Then we introduce the world’s most jealous woman, a walking red flag with night vision goggles and a court order pending. Ever wondered which profession cheats the most? We’ve got the stats—and let’s just say your next physical might include an emotional scar. Finally, BlackRock is suing UnitedHealthcare in a corporate Thunderdome so savage, even Satan called it “a bit much.”

Grab your headphones, hide your spouse, and prepare to lose a little more faith in humanity.