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Care Without Fixing | With Shannon and Johan
Episode 1521st January 2026 • Neighbourly • CareImpact
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Description

How do you show up for someone you care about, knowing you can’t fix what hurts?

This kitchen table conversation wrestles with the urge to jump in and make things better—a reflex that can sometimes get in the way of real connection. Through honest stories and gentle reflection, Johan Heinrichs and Shannon Steeves wonder together if it’s possible that presence, not solutions, is what helps us become the kind of neighbours we long to be.

Takeaways

  • Caring does not always mean fixing, presence can be the most meaningful response.
  • The urge to fix often comes from discomfort with silence, pain, or lack of control.
  • Listening well helps people feel seen and valued, even when nothing is resolved.
  • Jesus’ response at Lazarus’ tomb shows that compassion can come before solutions.
  • Silence and shared grief are not failures of care, they are forms of love.
  • Being helpful is not the same as being present.
  • Not every problem is yours to solve, but every person deserves to be heard.
  • Practicing a pause can create space for deeper connection.
  • Care becomes healthier when it flows from identity, not the need to feel useful.
  • Ordinary presence can strengthen relationships and community more than advice.

Time Stamps

04:21 "Sharing God's Work Through Us"

06:41 Struggling with Networking Skills

11:36 Navigating Conflict in Relationships

13:32 "Balancing Support After Heartbreak"

19:12 "Identity Rooted in God's Truth"

20:34 "The Power of Compassionate Listening"

24:15 "Presence Over Fixing Struggles"

26:38 "Neighborly Care, Powerful Presence"

Other Links

Join The CareImpact Podcast Group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1PgzJWfkq9/

Reach out to us! https://neighbourlypodcast.ca

Email: podcast@careimpact.ca

About the CarePortal: careimpact.ca/careportal

DONATE! Help connect and equip more churches across Canada to effectively journey well in community with the most vulnerable: careimpact.ca/donate

Transcripts

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Hey, it's Johan here. Just a quick note. As a podcast guy,

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as an editor, sound is really important to me. So I wanted

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to have a bit of a disclaimer on this one that we recorded this whole

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interview with me using the wrong microphone. I was speaking into my

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podcast mic. But it was going into my camera mic. So I used

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a little bit of magic to try to make it sound much better than

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it actually was, but. Still not up to my standards. But this was a great

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interview. We couldn't delete it. We recorded the whole thing, and I. Hope you enjoy

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it. Every one of us has a story about someone who

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showed up when it mattered most. I'm Johan, and this is

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Neighbourly, a podcast about the ordinary ways people

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show extraordinary care. Every other week,

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Shannon Steeves sits down with someone who's lived that out.

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Real stories of faith, kindness, and community in

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action. So grab your coffee and let's join. Shannon at the

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table. Welcome to the Neighborly Podcast. It's Johan here,

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and I'm on with my cohort, Shannon. Hello, Shannon. Hey,

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everybody. So we're doing something a little bit different today. It's going to

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be Shannon and I kind of discussing one of the questions that we

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feel like kind of sits in the air in our episodes.

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Today's question is going to be, how do you care without trying to

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fix everything? Yeah, this question, it resonates. It

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hits a little too close to home sometimes for me.

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And as uncomfortable as it can feel sometimes, I think

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it's an important question to talk about, and I hope

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our listeners today can see that maybe in themselves and

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just walk away with some reflection from today.

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Awesome. Well, before we get into it, I think it's great when

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our listeners get to know us just a little bit. You know, you hear this

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voice, but who is this person behind the voice? They're just asking questions. We

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don't actually know who they are. So let's start with a little bit of an

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icebreaker, just to give. Give them a little bit of a glimpse into

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who we are. And, hey, if our listeners enjoy this,

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maybe we'll do a few of these episodes once in a while just to, you

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know, behind the scenes, and we can discuss these questions

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further and dive in deeper into what it means to be a good neighbor. So

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the question I had, Shannon, and feel free

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to take this conversation over because I. I don't know if we actually

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decided that I'm leading this conversation, but

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before the icebreaker, even. Shannon, how's this podcast journey

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been going for you? I mean, you're new to this. You kind of just jumped

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into it your first few episodes. Hey, I think you're doing a

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great job with your interviews, but how do you feel it's going? Well,

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thanks for the question and the encouragement because, yeah,

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you're right. It has been totally brand new. Not

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really something I ever would have. I, you know,

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could have planned to be doing. And so it's great, of course,

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having a team with you and everyone else at Care

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Impact, that is just encouraging and supportive, for sure. There's

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a lot that has surprised me about doing the podcast. You know,

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I think there's just something about when you put a microphone in front of

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somebody that naturally it can just feel

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weird for people. And learning how to

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have conversations that feel natural but without,

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you know, letting the kind of. I think some of the fear of, oh, this

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is being recorded and it's going out into the world, that's

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been something that. The challenge of that, I think, has surprised me a little

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bit because I think the conversations that we're having are

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important and should be shared. And the people that

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I ask to come on, or that, you know, people on our team ask to

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come on, have so much meaningful wisdom

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and thoughts that are important to put out in the world.

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And I want people to feel as comfortable as possible, but

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I know sometimes you just have to kind of jump into the deep end and

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go for it. So that's been surprising, but a fun

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challenge and journey to be going on with, with this

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project for me, and. I know it's even challenging

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for some people that you want to interview to convince them to come on the

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podcast. I know that's been my experience. Yeah, it's really not

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that bad. It's exactly. Come on, let's have a

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conversation. If you're listening to this podcast and I have asked

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you, or, you know, you have a little nudge

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maybe from the Holy Spirit that you have something to share, can I just

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encourage you that you. You likely have

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something to share that other people need to hear. And I've probably

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said that before, but it's something that I believe, and I

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think God does work in our lives

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in and through us, in order to glorify him

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and make his name known. And so the things that he

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uses us for, I don't think that's supposed to stop with us and just keep

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that to ourselves. And so it's not prideful to come on and

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share the ways that you care about other people. It's biblical,

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and I just want that to be an encouragement to People that

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this is a space to bring glory to God by sharing how

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he's working in and through us. And Shannon's not so

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scary, so I hope not, if that's your hesitation. Well,

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she's like a kitty cat. So good. Oh, no, I don't like

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cats. Okay. I'm a dog. I'm a Labrador

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retriever. There, we already learned something new about you. You don't like cats.

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I don't. I'm a dog person. How about this question for an icebreaker? What's

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something that you've learned about yourself this last year? We're coming into New Year.

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Something that you learned about yourself last year that surprised you? Yeah,

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I sat with this question ahead of time for a long time,

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and I was like, man, I feel like there's a lot that has

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surprised me this year. 2025 was a lot of

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growth and learning for me. And I think one of those big

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things is that I am not quite

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as adaptable as I thought I was or as I want to

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be. I want to be someone who's so super, just

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go with the flow and can kind of roll with anything.

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And I've learned that that doesn't come as naturally

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to me. I think I like the consistency of,

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you know, things. And I think if I'm being honest, it's probably

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me trying to maintain control and so, you know,

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learning to actually surrender that and, like, let the Lord

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guide my life. So I'm working on it. But what about you,

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Johan? I'm curious for you. What's something you've learned about yourself

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that surprised you this year? I don't like being bad at things.

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So I, I, I have to think about this one, too.

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It doesn't mean I'm not bad at things. I just don't like being bad at

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things. But I'm realizing that I'm not a great networker.

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Like, especially in person, when there's like a crowd that's more than

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eight people, I kind of get lost a little bit. I don't know if it's

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introvertedness or what, but I'm not the kind of person that can just

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go up to a group and start chatting away and finding out about the

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lives. But it's great one on one. Like, I love small groups. I could do

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that all day long. But, yeah, realizing I'm not a great networker, which,

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which is difficult when you're working with a charity and you're

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trying to raise funds for your charity and support

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for your charity. Right. You gotta be a good networker. So. Something I'm working

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on. Yeah, It's a skill. It's a muscle to grow.

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And I. I'm with you. It's not my favorite thing

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either. I. I find I just force myself in

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those situations, and it's hard. But you're doing great.

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It's weird. Like, if someone asked me to speak in front of a crowd, I

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could do that, too. And I can lead worship in front of

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a thousand people without any trouble, but ask me to have a

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conversation. Nope. Sorry. That's okay. We have our

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strengths. So, Shannon, you want to get us back into our

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conversation? The question that we started this podcast out with, one we're

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going to wrestle with today. Yeah. So today we are talking about

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how do we care about. Care for each other, care for community,

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but without trying to fix everything. So we are

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going to reflect on that a little bit. Johan, what are you. What thoughts come

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to mind for you with that question? Well, this one's hard for me. I

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don't know if it's inherently. Because I'm male. We tend

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to do this where we like to fix things, so we

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automatically go to problem solving mode. How do we

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fix this problem? Especially in marriage. That's the first example

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that comes up. And I love researching. I optimize. I

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like to make things work more efficiently and better, so that's always where my mind

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goes first. So this is one that I really struggle with. And

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I don't like leaving things unresolved and in the air. That

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drives me bananas. Yeah. What about you?

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I struggle with this, too. And I think for me,

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it's. I think it's because for me, fixing

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feels like it's loving. Like it feels like I

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am doing something. And I don't. I really don't like

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other people being in pain. Like, it deeply just

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unsettles me. And so my first instinct, if someone

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is, you know, going through something, it's like, okay, how do I make this better?

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How do I help? How do I. How do I fix this?

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Yeah, I don't. I don't know where else it comes from besides that, but

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I think, yeah, on the surface, it's like, I. I don't want someone

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struggling, and so how can I help change their

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circumstances? Do you think sometimes, though, when people

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come to you expressing their challenge,

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what do you automatically think? Do you think they're coming to you for advice, or

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is it for presence? Because I think it depends on the way we think. If

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people come to us with a problem, I think they want me to fix it

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for Them. I don't automatically go to presence, so I think

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it's maybe just our default. I don't know. Yeah, no, I think

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you're spot on. I think people really want to be seen and

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heard, and that really is

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oftentimes, I think what they're looking for and

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just need someone to listen. I think in all of our

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episodes so far, we've talked a lot about listening

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and episodes this season, I should say. And,

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yeah, that comes up again and again. Just people wanting to

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be hurt. Will someone listen to my story? Will someone listen to

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what I'm navigating? And so much happens in that space

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without even trying to solve it or fix what they're going through.

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And you're right when you say fixing often feels like care.

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Yeah, because we want to help people. Right. We want to build

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stronger community. And sometimes sitting with

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silence can feel awkward. That's sometimes hard just to

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listen. Especially like for me, if it's a

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situation that I know I have gifting in and can solve,

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that's the hardest to not jump in and say, I could fix that for you.

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But sometimes I just want to listen. Can you think of any

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specific moments, maybe where this was

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a situation in your life? Oh, yeah. And you mentioned this a little

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bit earlier, but I see it a lot in marriage. And

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I'm. I'm pretty. Pretty young in my marriage where we just

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had. I think we're around a year and a half of marriage. And so

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definitely by no means do we have lots of experience or

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knowledge. But, you know, you see when. When two people come together,

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you see kind of some of those different friction points. And so I was processing

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this with my husband before today, and

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this comes up a lot, I would say, in when we're navigating

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conflict. So if we're working through some type of

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challenge or whatever. The issue is I don't like

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the feeling of tension and I don't really like

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conflict to begin with. And so my instinct is like, okay,

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let's just figure out what needs to be done.

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I'm going to apologize, and then I'm going to do this, this and this

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and just come up with next steps. Whereas

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if he's coming to me with, you know, expressing something that

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I did that, you know, was unkind or whatever,

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oftentimes he wants me to listen

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and just wants me to. To be there and

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not just jump to, okay, here's what I'm gonna do differently next time. Like, we'll

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get to that. But I. I just might. My

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instinct is to just get to, okay, let's problem solve and get past

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this so that I don't have to really sit in that. The kind of

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uncomfortability of the tension. Are you more the

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fixer than your husband, would you say? I

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think we both have the different tendencies where he will at

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times, but I think it tends to be

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my kind of gut reaction is to first go to

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fixing. Whereas I think him, it's more natural

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to pause. So I'm learning a lot from that. Of

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course, he has pastoral experience, so he's used to that pause. Right. So

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yeah, he's really good at listening and just sitting with

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people. And I again, I want to be that way,

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but I just jumped to what can I do first?

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What about you, Johan? How have you seen this show up in

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your life? It's hard for me to think of an example except for something that

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happened recently. I'm not going to mention who it was specifically, but a

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close, younger family member just went through some heartbreak

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and just trying to navigate that. It's like I could give you a list

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of ways to help you to move on and think about your future,

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but then you got to balance. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm

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sorry you need to sit with that grief for a while, but time's probably going

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to heal the wound sort of thing. It's hard to really strike that

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balance, especially when it's someone that you care about because you don't

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want to see them go through the herd and through the challenge and the

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uncomfortableness. You want to see them happy. So

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here's. Here's a way to make you a little bit happier when that often does

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the opposite, where they just need someone to listen, they need someone to love them,

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they need someone to sit with them with presence. Yeah, I think

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that is so relatable, Johan. And it really takes

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us into the scripture that we want to. To dive into a little bit

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today. And we're gonna hop into John,

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chapter 11. This passage really just. Just helps us

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to slow down. Do you want to read that or would you like me to?

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Sure, I'll pull it out here. Yep. Verse 32.

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And this is the passage about Lazarus.

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After he died, when Mary arrived and saw Jesus,

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she fell at his feet and said, lord, if only you had been there,

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my brother would not have died. And when Jesus saw her weeping

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and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within

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him and he was deeply troubled. Where have you put him? He

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asked. And they told him, lord, come and See,

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then Jesus wept. The people who were standing nearby

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said, see how much he loved him. Okay,

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so here we are sitting with

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Mary, kind of complaining, jesus, if you had been here,

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my brother would not have died. Now, this is funny

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because earlier in the passage, I'm pretty sure

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Martha said the exact same thing. And they said they said it to

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him separately. So obviously they were discussing this together. Complaining about

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Jesus meant, why wasn't he here? Our

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brother would have survived. So, like this complaining in the

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background, behind the scenes, but then they're bringing it right to Jesus.

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And the funny thing is, Jesus knows how this story ends,

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right? He can solve the problem, and he's going to.

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He's not going to tell them he's going to yet, but he still weeps.

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So he has a solution. He knows how it ends, and he still

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weeps. And he lets them wrestle with the question, and he

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lets them mourn and complain to him. So,

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like, why does he do this? Why didn't he just solve the

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problem and avoid the complaining and avoid the

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weeping and sitting with the feelings? Why do you think this, Shannon?

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Yeah, man, when I get to heaven, I'm going to ask him

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for sure. But, man, I think

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we see that to Jesus what was important

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first was to see people and to

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acknowledge where they were at and meet them there. And we

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see that by his presence that he didn't jump

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to fixing. He got to that later. But what was more

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urgent than that was just being with his people

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and weeping. I think that teaches us a

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lot that what's important isn't actually what

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we're going to do to address the issue or the problem,

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but how we sit with people first

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and allow those feelings to come up and allow

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healing to come through just grieving together.

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That's so good, what you said. Basically, fixing wasn't

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urgent to Jesus at that time, but presence was. And

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sitting with the pain and the struggles that they had

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and letting them air that out and just listening

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and greeting with them at the same time. Like, he. He wasn't just

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smiling, knowing that he had an answer, but he actually sat to grieve with him.

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He wept. Yeah, no, that's so good. And I.

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I think the struggle in this for us

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as humans is that we don't feel like presence is enough.

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We feel like just sitting and pausing for a

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moment doesn't actually do anything.

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And I think this is, for me, where it really, like, kind

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of gets to the core of why my first instinct

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is to. Is to do something is because I

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consciously or subconsciously I kind of want to be the hero.

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I want to be the one who helps someone go from, you

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know, sorrow to joy. And that's not my

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place. That's a space only Jesus

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can fill and a need that only he can meet.

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And so when we try to step into that, it's just not the

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same. I think it's that need to be or feel

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useful. Right. Because if you don't have an answer, it's like, well,

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I'm kind of inadequate for what you need right now.

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And that's the thing. Like he says, in your weakness, I am strong. So

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it's actually an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to move at least space

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for him to move and get the glory rather than us fixing it, but just

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sitting in that weakness. You know what? I don't have answers, but I have presence

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and I have the Holy Spirit as a presence

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within me. And if I could sit with you with that, maybe he can fill

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that gap. Right. That's a. I think it's something

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that God has been speaking to me personally in a lot of areas of my

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life is ultimately, where do I find

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my identity? Do I find my identity and my self worth even

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in the things that I'm doing and the

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experience or feelings I'm helping create for other people?

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Or am I finding it solely in who

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God says I am as his child? And

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I think when our care and our compassion comes

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from that place, it goes much deeper

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than maybe coming from a place of, is insecurity

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really of like, oh, I want to feel useful, I want to be the hero.

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Because if I'm not, then what am I? And

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flipping that to say, I am rested in my

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identity as a child of God and I'm going to be here with you

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and we're going to seek him together and we're going to seek his will for

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your life. Approaching it from that perspective is

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so much more valuable. That's so good. He says

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presence can make you a better neighbor. That's. Yeah, it's

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quite profound. Yeah. Let's go to the other side of things. What about a

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time when someone stayed with you without fixing where they

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didn't expect you to be the fixer? Can you think of any examples

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of that? Yeah, I, I think of some

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examples, but I, I really think about specific people in my life that I've

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noticed are really good at this. I have one friend that came to

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mind right away who, she's also

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a trained therapist. And so I think some of that

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she's really like honed in on her skills and her giftings. But

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she is, I think, just naturally, she's so good at asking

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questions that make people feel seen. There was a time a few months

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back where I was just sharing with her something I was going through,

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and she just responded

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with compassion and acknowledging what I was

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feeling and asking questions about just

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how that experience has been, and then pointing me to the Lord

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and just acknowledging like, God is with you in that.

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And that made me feel so cared for. She might

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even be someone who probably would have some great wisdom and some great

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suggestions on how to navigate what I was going through, given her

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professional experience. But she didn't. She just sat with me

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in that, and that was really, really meaningful.

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What about for you? Yeah, similar to me, I have an older friend

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that I see at church pretty much every week, and we

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have a conversation pretty much every week. And it's just him checking in.

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And I check in with him, too, and he just sits there

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and listens. I often have things come up in my life that

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I'm struggling with, situations that are challenging,

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stressful. And he doesn't solve things. He just

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sits there and he wrestles with me. There's empathy, but I feel

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heard, right? And that's enough for me to go home feeling

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confident that I was heard. And I can wrestle with it with the Lord, knowing

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that there's someone in my corner. And then also

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there's, you know, those times where

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it was the opposite, where maybe someone gave advice that was

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painful to us or hard. And I was thinking about

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this where I think I actually have not had a lot of these

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experiences, thankfully. But I can think of moments where I

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did that, where I, you know, gave advice or just

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responded in a way that wasn't. Wasn't presence.

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I remember a while back, I was probably a teenager, a young

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teenager, someone I love, lost a family

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member. And my response,

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looking back, oh, I wish I could take those words back. And

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some of it, I know I was young, so there's naivety there. But I

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responded with, well, you know, they were really sick

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for a long time and now they're not, type of

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thing. And it's like, okay, that's true. But

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basically how the person responded was like, well, okay,

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but just because they were sick doesn't make it any easier that they're

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gone now. And I just. That stuck with me for

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a long time. And I pray that I haven't

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responded any similar way since then. But really what

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that person needed was for me to just say, yeah, it's really hard.

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And we're in it together. Yeah. I think there's

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a reason why Scripture says he mourns with those who mourn

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rather than he fixes those who mourn. Right. There's something to that where

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people just need that presence. They need someone to feel that empathy and sit

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with it, which is the example we just saw there in.

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In the Lazarus story. So I think we need our listeners to

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wrestle with this themselves rather than us coming up with

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answers. Because, again, this isn't about having answers.

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This is about shared wrestle, things that we

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as neighbors wrestle with. So how do we care without

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fixing? That's something I think we all need to wrestle with in our own circles,

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because we all have different personalities. We all have different responses to

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people's struggles. But know that presence matters.

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We gotta ask ourselves, why does silence feel so uncomfortable to us?

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Or do we fix because we care? Or because we

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need that control, which I know you mentioned earlier, is that need for

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control? And who taught us to feel that usefulness

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equals love rather than presence? So I don't have

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answers to these questions, but we can sit with them. Yeah.

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And I think there's some practices that we can leave with listeners today

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that help us in navigating those

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questions. So a few things I'd love listeners

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to think about this week is notice when you feel the urge

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to fix. And I have an aunt

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that always says, practice the pause. And I'm like, that's great advice.

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And so when you notice that urge, practice the pause and

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try presence. Just try being there.

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Whether it is quiet and you are just sitting with somebody,

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or you just give some encouraging words

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to say, I'm here for you. Things like that

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sounds really heavy. Or I'm really glad you told me. Those are

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some great language you can use to just be with

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somebody and just allow

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the Holy Spirit to use you in that moment. You don't have to have all

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the answers. You won't have all the answers, and I promise you that.

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Especially when it's, you know, some deep hurts that

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we're not meant to come in and solve and

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fill the deep needs that people have. There's only one who can

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do that. So just allow yourself to

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just be there and be a friend. That's so good. This was an

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encouraging and provoking conversation for me, Shannon, and I

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hope it was for our listeners, too. So, listeners, if you

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found this encouraging, let us know. If you want us to have more of these

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conversations, that would be helpful, because feedback.

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We don't want to fix this podcast, but we want to sit with you guys

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in presence and in a more meaningful way.

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So bye. The stories we share

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here remind us that CARE doesn't have to be perfect to be

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powerful, it just has to be present. Neighbourly

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is an initiative of Care Impact, a Canadian charity equipping

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churches, agencies and communities with tech and training to

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care better together. Visit CareImpact CA

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or to find out more about the podcast sponsorships, being a guest

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or just dropping us a line, visit NeighborlyPodcast CA.

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We'd love to hear from you. Check the show notes for the link or

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hop on our Care Impact Podcast group on Facebook to join our

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podcast community. I'm Johan. Thanks for listening

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and keep being the kind of neighbor someone will never forget in

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a good way.

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Tearing down walls of building

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up the bridges between the stones

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Love is turning over tables

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Breaking off chains When I see you

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in a stranger I'm no longer a

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stable table

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Tearing out walls Building

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under bridges between us.

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