In this episode, Dr. Kelsy Vick, board-certified orthopedic and pelvic floor physical therapist, explores how our culture of “healing” might be making us more self-focused than connected. Inspired by Gloria Alamrew’s essay “Healing Is Making Us Mean,” Kelsy examines the balance between personal growth and community care.

In this episode:

• How “therapy language” and boundary-setting can strain friendships
• What research says about self-care, loneliness, and prosocial behavior
• The role of privilege in who gets to “heal” and focus on wellness
• Why meaningful connection requires inconvenience, conflict, and care
• How to practice self-work that strengthens, not isolates, relationships

A thoughtful conversation on the fine line between self-care and self-centeredness—and how true healing helps us show up better for others.

Resources:

https://substack.com/home/post/p-176689615 

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39688189/ 

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/17499755231157440?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5429736/?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8488814/?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4026714/?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

https://elke-u-weber.com/media/198_2021_journalofappliedsocpsych_schneider?utm_source=chatgpt.com 

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00:00- 00:17 Intro

00:18- 01:28 Introduction: The Shift in Healing Culture

01:29- 02:40 Personal Journey and Reflections

02:41- 04:31 The Dichotomy of Self-Care and Relationships

04:32- 06:33 The Privilege of Self-Care

06:34- 07:49 Exploring the Research on Self-Care and Relationships (Part 1)

07:49- 08:24 Safely

08:24- 13:26 Exploring the Research on Self-Care and Relationships (Part 2)

13:27- 18:00 Practical Insights and Boundaries in Friendships

18:01- 19:25 Conclusion: Embracing Messy Friendships

Mentioned in this episode:

Live Safely Sidekick

Very quickly healing became less about

connection and more about control, less

2

about understanding ourselves and more

about explaining ourselves, justifying

3

every boundary, every reaction,

every vibe shift with a diagnosis.

4

We've developed this not so subtle

smugness, often cruel and alienating.

5

Or if someone doesn't speak our

therapeutic dialect Or if they're

6

not fluent in the frameworks

we've adopted, they're labeled

7

unsafe, unregulated, toxic.

8

Somewhere right now.

9

Someone's chat, GPT therapist is

telling them you are absolutely right.

10

Your friend asking you to come to

their birthday party on the three

11

year anniversary of your situationship

ending is totally selfish.

12

You deserve to feel heard to.

13

This is an excerpt from a very eye-opening

essay written by Gloria Aam Ru on Culture

14

Craft called Healing is Making Us Mean.

15

So in this month of friendships,

of relationships, of gratitude,

16

as we enter this holiday season,

17

I figured we could talk about this

sort of dichotomy of helping ourselves

18

at the expense of others, how much

self-care and turning inward is

19

too much, and actually harming our

relationships with the people around us.

20

So let's have a little

Wellness girl chat about it.

21

Welcome back to Wellness Fixes the Pod.

22

I'm your host, Dr.

23

Kelsey Vic, a board certified orthopedic

doctor of physical therapy and a pelvic

24

floor physical therapist and for those

of you who have been longtime podcast

25

listeners, about two years ago, I

started an 18 month journey of therapy

26

and seeking professional help for some

of the mental challenges and mental

27

hurdles that I was experiencing during

a very difficult time in my life.

28

I was so blessed to be able to afford

therapy both with time and financial

29

resources in order to help myself,

especially mentally, but then also

30

hoping to help myself mentally help those

around me and how I was interacting with

31

others, because that started to suffer

too, and it actually led to my word

32

of the year for 2025, being healing,.

33

Healing my brain, healing my

thought patterns, healing my

34

relationship with myself, healing

my relationship with others.

35

So it's been a very wonderful,

hard, challenging journey.

36

But I always struggled with how much

of thinking about myself, of turning

37

inward, of working on myself was too much.

38

How much focus inward is.

39

Sacrificing how much I'm

thinking about others.

40

If we are going through therapy,

going through self-care treatments,

41

we're always focusing inward.

42

We're focusing on how we can improve

ourselves, but at what point does

43

focusing inward and focusing on

ourselves come at the expense

44

of our relationship with others?

45

And this dichotomy has always.

46

Challenged me because as I'm going

through therapy, we talk about how I

47

can approach certain situations and

communicate better and not necessarily

48

worry about how other people are going

to respond to that or not let it affect

49

me and not let it hinder my ability

to communicate with that other person.

50

So I was always challenged with if

I'm working on healing myself, where

51

does that leave those that I love?

52

At what point does healing become

so selfish that I neglect others?

53

I know you guys have probably seen

the meme where it is a girl talking

54

to her friend and her friend says,

you know, your ex-boyfriend is going

55

through therapy right now and his

therapist is telling him he's in the

56

right, or something along those lines.

57

An ex situationship an ex-friend,

it's a meme saying their therapist

58

is telling them they're right.

59

Just as your therapist is

telling you, you're right.

60

And that simplification, that meme

definitely discredits the entire field

61

of mental health care, mental health

professionals, all of the wonderful

62

people involved in helping all of us

work on our relationships with others,

63

our relationships with ourselves.

64

So this is in no way saying that is all

that therapy comes down to, or that.

65

That is all that mental

healthcare professionals do

66

is validate that you're right.

67

But it does put a little bit of a

sarcastic twist on this challenge

68

that I've always been faced with where

self-care and being consumed with what's

69

going on with our bodies physically

and with our bodies mentally, is.

70

Great and can be so wonderful

for us to become more self-aware,

71

but where is that line where we

do it at the expense of others?

72

Furthermore, what sort of

privilege must we have in order to.

73

Take the time, take the financial

resources in order to take

74

care of ourselves, whether

that's physically or mentally.

75

It comes from a very privileged place

to say, I have enough time to think

76

about myself, think about what I'm going

through, know that I'm struggling, reach

77

out to a certain healthcare professional

or mental health provider in order to

78

help me or physical healthcare provider to

help me with whatever I'm going through.

79

And.

80

In order to partake in some of

these self-care activities, you

81

have to come from a certain place

of privilege where you have both

82

the time resources and the financial

resources, or you have the ability to

83

sacrifice that for a temporary period

of time while you go through whatever

84

healing you're needing to go through.

85

So Gloria's article speaks to the

first part of that talking about how

86

maybe the therapy language that we're

all used to about boundaries about.

87

Trauma is really burdening some of

those relationships that we have

88

with others where focusing on the

ego, focusing on ourselves might be

89

actually harming our friendships and

our community outside of ourselves.

90

So here's another excerpt from our

article that really spoke to me.

91

Human beings aren't meant to be optimized.

92

We are meant to be in relationship,

in conflict, in care, in community.

93

And community here doesn't mean

constant harmony because ew, that's

94

not real life, nor should it be.

95

Community comes with burden, it

comes with inconvenience, it comes

96

with conflict, but somehow we've

diluted ourselves into thinking that

97

our lives should be totally devoid.

98

Of those things, we lie to ourselves

and each other by saying that true

99

friends would never inconvenience you.

100

My siblings in Christ, the people you

love, will absolutely inconvenience

101

you And what a miracle that is.

102

I promise.

103

I don't mean to be that person, but I am

a Pisces, so I literally am that person.

104

But how effing lucky are we to have

people we love and are burdened by?

105

I don't ever wanna be so cut off from this

world and the people in it that nobody

106

turns to me for respite help or care.

107

How sad would it be if nobody called

me to scream with joy with them

108

that they got the job they wanted?

109

What an utter failing it would

be if no one thought of my

110

name when they thought of care.

111

So I wanted to look into the

research of this dichotomy.

112

Where is that line?

113

How much self-care, self-awareness is

too much that we're doing it at the

114

expense of others and those that we love.

115

So a quick note about the privilege

of it all, but when I think about.

116

The time and financial resources that it

takes to actually take care of ourselves

117

and to focus on self-care and to focus

on wellness, like wellness is a luxury.

118

I think about my granddad actually, and.

119

The things he's told me about his

childhood growing up, he was one of six

120

kids and one of the youngest of six kids.

121

So his days were spent on the farm

working sun up to sundown, and

122

then once he was done with that,

he would go in and do his chores.

123

He grew up without electricity,

like he was not someone Who had the

124

time or the financial resources to

necessarily think about his physical

125

health and wellness, but especially

his mental health and wellness.

126

So when it comes to therapy and

utilizing mental health resources

127

and mental health professionals, I

do struggle with understanding that

128

it's a privilege to feel this way.

129

It's a privilege to have

time to think about that and

130

To go seek out help from someone.

131

So it is another sort of seesaw

that I struggle with how blessed

132

and lucky I am to be able to

go after some of these things.

133

. So what does the research

say on this dichotomy?

134

as a little bit of a note?

135

This is a complex topic in a

lot of the studies I looked at.

136

Make sure to clarify that it

is not a causal relationship.

137

It's really hard to.

138

Get a finalized result that

something caused something else.

139

But these are more correlations

where something might

140

correlate with something else.

141

It doesn't mean that it's a cause because

causals multifactorial correlations

142

can be a little more fluid and relaxed.

143

But, cause we can't just say this

is a direct cause and effect.

144

But I'll link these specific studies

below if you guys wanna take a look.

145

So there was a study done in 2024 by

Malon et al that looked at the seesaw

146

between loneliness, self-centeredness,

and people's willingness to

147

engage in pro-social behaviors.

148

And pro-social behaviors are those

intentional acts done to benefit others.

149

The researchers state that

loneliness can be a cause for

150

people to seek out friendship.

151

Of course, if you're lonely,

you're going to wanna seek out

152

friendship, but on the flip side.

153

It can also swing the opposite

way and perpetuate self-centered

154

and egotistical behaviors.

155

So loneliness can actually be

correlated with reduced pro-social

156

behaviors or reduced intentionality

with helping others or doing something

157

to benefit others by causing people

to focus too much on themselves.

158

so it can do both things.

159

Loneliness can lead to someone.

160

Seeking out more friendship

or helping others more.

161

But it can also lead to increased

egotistical thoughts, increased

162

focus on the self, and reduce

those pro-social behaviors.

163

In another study in 2024, done by

Iranian et al, they looked at how

164

therapy language affects friendships.

165

So think words and phrases like trauma

and boundaries, and emotionally laboring.

166

Another person, they concluded that

sometimes when this language is seen

167

in friendship communication, it can

correlate with a reduced tolerance

168

for discomfort in friendship, Social

distancing and a reliance on a more

169

professional way of communicating with

friends when we need friends sometimes

170

to just shoot the shit with us.

171

They argue that therapy talk can turn

what was meant to be a messy problem

172

solving conversation between friends

into a more diplomatic and professional

173

exchange that doesn't necessarily

breed friendship in the best way.

174

And this is what Gloria was

chatting about in her article.

175

If you are in a friendship where the

other person is always using terms like

176

boundaries, or it does not serve me

right now, I don't have the emotional

177

capacity to handle your challenges, it

doesn't necessarily make you wanna open

178

up to them or be vulnerable with them.

179

It makes it more diplomatic and more

like a workplace relationship, which

180

this article specifically looked at

friendship, communication, not workplace

181

communication, not marriage communication.

182

So utilizing some of these more

therapy terms with your friends

183

doesn't necessarily breed that deeper,

vulnerable, more friend like connection.

184

It's not that boundaries are bad or

setting those boundaries are bad.

185

But constantly saying, I have this

boundary, or I don't have the emotional

186

capacity, or I can't handle your traumas

right now because I'm dealing with my own.

187

Those phrases don't necessarily make

you feel good as a friend receiving

188

that communication from someone else.

189

So this study looked specifically

at friendship communication, not

190

necessarily workplace communication

or marriage communication.

191

In another study, they actually

looked at self-affirmation

192

practices and their effects on

empathy and pro-social behaviors.

193

So they had people write certain

journal entries about themselves,

194

what they're good at, what they're

passionate about, and they found

195

that these self-affirming behaviors

actually reinforce pro-social behaviors.

196

Again, that intentionality

and helping someone else.

197

So self-focused practices when

paired with compassion for others can

198

actually elevate pro-social behaviors.

199

If I look inward, if I journal about

myself, if I go to mental health

200

providers, if I seek help for myself,

it's not that automatically leads to

201

this decrease in intentionally building

community or helping others, but The

202

research shows that it just has to

be done with the right intentions.

203

If you are doing these self-affirming

practices out of self-awareness,

204

then that can lead to more efforts

into intentionally helping others

205

or those pro-social behaviors

206

So another study looked at people

who performed acts of self-kindness

207

versus acts of kindness towards

others, and they actually found

208

two positives that came out of it.

209

To show that self-kindness towards

yourself, obviously, and acts of

210

kindness towards others combined is

super beneficial, which I know that's

211

probably not a surprise to anyone, but

sometimes it really does help to have

212

these studies that are actually done to

show what parts of ourselves are improved

213

with self kindness versus what parts

of ourselves and our relationships are

214

improved with kindness towards others.

215

So they found that the acts of

self-kindness created more emotional

216

resilience within ourselves, and the

acts of other kindness strengthened

217

friendships and social connection,

which, duh, if you're gonna help

218

others, of course that's going to

strengthen your relationship with others.

219

But focusing on yourself and doing those

acts of self-kindness did not harm, that

220

it actually made you more emotionally

resilient to be kind towards yourself.

221

Other studies show that mutually

agreed upon boundaries are actually

222

beneficial for friendships.

223

So I think one that comes to

mind between me and a lot of my

224

friends involves when we text back.

225

And I know a lot of people in our

twenties, thirties, forties, honestly

226

probably throughout our older, like not

when we first got a phone, not in high

227

school, but I feel like in our twenties,

thirties, forties and beyond, a lot of

228

us aren't the most immediate texters.

229

And I feel like it's a very.

230

Good boundary that my friends and

I have with each other, and it's

231

pretty reciprocal where we don't feel

like we have to text each other back

232

immediately, and I think that's an

amazing thing, an amazing boundary

233

that we all have with each other.

234

I don't feel hurt if one of my best

friends doesn't text me back right away,

235

and she doesn't feel hurt if the same

thing applies when I don't text her back.

236

So no one's getting angry.

237

It's identified as a boundary that,

Hey, just text me back when you can.

238

It's not emergent.

239

If it was emergent, we

might say something.

240

We might call them, we

might send a voice note.

241

There's other ways to contact them,

but none of us are feeling hurt because

242

of a delay in communication over text.

243

So what do all the studies boil down to?

244

Some say that you know too much

focus on yourself, too much time

245

to think about yourself, whether

or not you're lonely or not.

246

Might create less desire to perform

certain pro-social behaviors

247

or intentionally help others.

248

And then other studies show that.

249

By becoming more self-aware

and performing acts of kindness

250

towards yourself, you can actually

become more emotionally resilient.

251

It can actually help lead to more

performance of those pro-social behaviors.

252

Self-care and self-work done as a

community or the goal of showing up

253

better for others correlates with

increasing pro-social behaviors.

254

So it comes down to the intention

behind those self-care practices.

255

Most of the research shows that if you

are performing self-care practices in

256

order to be better than someone else,

or in order to say you are holier than

257

thou because you go to therapy or.

258

You perform some sort of self-care

practice because you are financially able

259

to, or you have the time freedom to do so.

260

that can actually lead to

261

friendship challenges and not leaning

into some of those pro-social behaviors

262

or intentionally helping others, or

even intentionally building communities.

263

So if you're intention is more

self-centered behind those self-care

264

practices, where you're doing it to.

265

I say self-centered, but I

guess it's more self-centered

266

with the perception of others.

267

so if you feel like you wanna perform

these practices to be better than someone

268

else, that can lead towards the negative

side of friendship and community building.

269

But if the intention is to learn more

about yourself or dive deeper into what

270

makes you you, in order to have a better

response emotionally for yourself,

271

emotionally with others, and your

communication style, if you're doing it to

272

better yourself in order to show up better

for yourself and for others, then that

273

can actually lead to more performance of

those prosocial behaviors, more community

274

building, better, deeper friendships.

275

So basically don't do therapy because

other people are doing it, or to have

276

a higher status or look better because

you actually go to therapy, do it

277

for you so you can learn more about

yourself and show up better for not only

278

yourself, but also for those around you.

279

So if you're struggling

with this balance, same.

280

I think understanding the research

and reading Gloria's article was

281

absolutely amazing to show the flip

side of the positives of therapy.

282

There's so many positives that I've

gotten from it, but I do struggle with.

283

How much, you know, 18 months of therapy.

284

That's a lot of time focusing on yourself

and how your brain handles things

285

and not as much of a focus on others.

286

But the reason I was doing it was

for the benefit of others and the

287

benefit of my relationship with others.

288

So it's the intention behind it and.

289

Utilizing certain concepts in the

right context, but understanding that

290

friendship is messy, friendship is

communal and sacrificial and it's amazing.

291

I do wanna be that friend that people

feel like they can come to with anything

292

messy or especially their celebrations,

293

I never want my friends to feel like

they can't come to me because of how

294

I might respond or the boundaries that

I have in place for our friendship.

295

So I think I needed to hear that

perspective because therapy is amazing.

296

Getting mental health

professional help is amazing.

297

It has shown me how to be better

and kinder to myself better and

298

kinder towards those around me.

299

How to communicate better.

300

There are so many benefits

that come from it,

301

But we wanna make sure not to

over rely on some of the, therapy

302

talk that Gloria was talking about

that might harm other friendships

303

and relationships in our lives.

304

And I think I really needed

to hear that perspective.

305

So to sum it all up, it is okay

for your friendships to be messy.

306

It is okay to ask friends for help.

307

It's okay to not communicate

perfectly every single time.

308

That is a gift.

309

Communication isn't supposed to be

so diplomatic or so thought out.

310

It's supposed to be intentional

and come from a good place.

311

We don't want diplomatic friendships.

312

We want friendships that fill our cup

and that we can show up for them just

313

as much as they can show up for us.

314

and I'm okay with sacrificing some

of the things I'm going through

315

or some of my past in order to

help Those that I love right now.

316

I don't know if any of you guys struggle

with this too, but I wanted to have

317

a conversation about it, and not that

there's any right or wrong answer, but

318

I thought it was interesting to look

at some of the research surrounding it.

319

Gloria's article was absolutely amazing.

320

I'll link that below too if

you wanna take a look at it.

321

She just writes so beautifully and laid

it out so well that it inspired me for

322

this episode, especially since our last

episode, was on the importance of female

323

friendships and quality relationships

and even building relationships really

324

quickly through small talk or riffing.

325

We talked about that last episode,

so if you missed it, it's the

326

one right before this, but.

327

Once I read Gloria's article, I knew I

had to move some of my planned episodes

328

around so that I could fit this one

in with all of the other friendship

329

relationship ones that we will be

doing throughout the month of November.

330

So I hope you enjoyed this episode.

331

Let me know your thoughts.

332

Let me know if you've also struggled with

this, and I will see you again on the

333

next episode of Wellness Fixes the pod.