Joseph is a really outdoorsy guy who lives in Edmonds, Washington, about 30 minutes north of Seattle. He likes mountain biking, trail running, camping and skiing. Joseph grew up in a family of several children, some biological, and one other adoptee you might already know. He told me that he never could have pinpointed what it was, but he always seemed to be searching for something. Joseph started his journey searching for answers from his biological mother about his adoption. Instead he found mystery surrounding her life, unanswered questions and a connection to his brother that means the most to him out of everything. This is Joseph’s journey.

The post 099 – We Were Both Missing Something In Our Lives appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Joseph (00:03):

I'm not going to fault her. I mean I was adopted by by great parents and they've had a good family life. I've had a good life, but I was, it was hard to hear that the things behind my adoption were because of her addiction possibly. I guess the first thing that came to my mind was like I was not her priority.

Damon (00:32):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Joseph. He called me from Washington state. Joseph grew up in a family of several children, some biological and one other adoptee. You might already know. He told me that he never could have pinpointed what it was, but he always seemed to be searching for something. He started his journey searching for answers from his biological mother. Instead, he found mystery surrounding her life unanswered questions and a connection to his brother. That means the most to him out of everything. This is Joseph's journey.

Damon (01:30):

Joseph is a really outdoorsy guy who lives in Edmonds, Washington, about 30 minutes North of Seattle. He likes mountain biking trail running, camping and skiing, reflecting on his childhood. Joseph said his was pretty normal for the most part. He was adopted at almost two years old and they lived in central Washington. It was a middle class upbringing with five children in the family. His father was a civil engineer, so their family moved around occasionally for him to take jobs in public works. I asked him about his memory of being adopted at the age of two years old. I was going to ask you about whether you remembered a transition at two at all, if you had any sort of stark memory or any even general memory of just a transition of, of scenes. Like one minute you're in one place and even at two year old, two years old, you recognize like, Hey, this is a different place.

Joseph (02:28):

What I can remember I have one memory, uh, prior to living with my adopted family and, and that was confirmed by my mom when I told her. I said, you know, I would have, I started having this reoccurring dream, which was me and this other girl playing with a red ball. And we were just bouncing it back and forth to each and for some reason I don't, I don't know how it happened, but when the ball came back to me, it hit me in the face.

Damon (03:08):

(laughter) Oh no.

Joseph (03:08):

And uh, you know, I just remember crying because I think it just kinda, it wasn't anything out of malice or anything. I just remember we were applying and the ball got out of control and hit me in the face. And I remember the girl like really holding me and saying, you know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. And my mom said, you know, that was probably your foster sister Stacy. I was in foster care leading up to my adoption and that, that is my one and only memory.

Damon (03:41):

Joseph said that it wasn't until he was four years of age when he actually remembers his life when they lived in Richland, Washington. Recall that Joseph had four siblings. The two oldest are biological to their parents. His sister, Leslie was also adopted and their parents had one more biological child after Joseph and Leslie. Joseph said his earliest pictures of himself that he had seen before reunion were from the transitional period when his adoption was being processed. He was visiting with his adoptive family meeting and playing with his new siblings and staying the night.

Joseph (04:19):

I had never seen any pictures of me as an infant, as a child, like a baby or anything like that, which was kind of significant for me. I'm someone who's really into photography. I love the medium and so, you know, like having pictures of me, were really important, you know, it, it really helps me look at, you know, my life as an adopted kid, so to speak. I don't know, I just, that's something that always resonated with me. And so I know that I was, was really curious to see, you know, pictures of me maybe with my biological mom or as me as an infant and my adopted mom and I, you know, we would talk about that a lot as well. Like it would just help me kind of complete the picture.

Damon (05:12):

Joseph said he and Leslie bonded over being the adoptees in the family.

Joseph (05:17):

Uh, knowing that we were adopted was significant for both of us. Sometimes, you know, I can't speak for my sister Leslie, but for me, I felt like when things were, I dunno, like when we are frustrated with our parents or something, you know, like, you know, being told to do something we didn't want to do or having to go to bed at night early when the rest of the family got to stay up and watch television, we were like, this is, this isn't right. You know? And we've been, you know, the bonding of like us to say like, well, it's us against them. I certainly had that feeling. I had nothing against my family at all. I love my parents and I love my brothers and sisters tremendously. But, you know, when you're a little kid and you're feeling like it's you against the world, knowing that my sister was also adopted, you know, that was something that we really connected over. And to this day I still feel that way. It's, um, my sister's experience and finding her biological family was really important to me. I watched and listened with bated breath, like as she was going through this whole process. It was a great, it was great to have another kid in my family that was adopted.

Damon (06:37):

I was glad to hear that Joseph really felt loved in his family. That's an important point for adoptees to clarify when it's applicable. I guess I should tell you that Leslie Joseph's sister is someone who story you've already heard. She was my guest on who am I really on episode 56. 'I feel whole finding him was the key.'

Leslie (06:58):

It was just surreal to me because it's like, here's this perfect stranger that all of a sudden I'm thrown into his life and he's thrown into mine. And you know, with the history of my mother, I was very cautious because I was expecting him to not be so open about it. But yeah. And when I flew down to see him, we both started crying. I mean, it was just amazing and he just would stare at me, you know, like wow.

Damon (07:24):

Turning back to Joseph. He shared that Leslie's reunion was fairly recent in his life just a few years ago and he was intrigued as a man in his forties contemplating seeking reunion. He found himself intrigued with her path and wanting to hear her story as much as possible as it unfolded. At that point he was still deciding for himself whether he wanted to pursue reunion because he was okay with being adopted to that point. his parents and siblings were open about their adoptions, but he admits when he was younger. He was a little curious about finding biological family members.

Joseph (08:00):

I was always curious. I think as a younger person I was definitely curious about finding biological family, but as you get older I just started wondering how important is it for me to do this search because I thought have a great mom and dad. You know, we weren't a perfect family. I don't think there is a really perfect family, but I just, I felt like my upbringing was very good. I was supported. I have great brothers and sisters, you know, it was this question of is this really enough for me? Does this complete me? So as I was kind of thinking about all of that, my sister lastly began her search in earnest. And so then that really got me thinking, you know, what, you know the what if like what if I did the search as well and who would I find and what would that mean to me in my life and would it complete me in some way?

Joseph (09:01):

And then I started realizing you kind of, I might've internalized having this feeling of um, a sense of not being complete. And so what I mean about that is I'm going to go back a little bit farther. When I was much younger, I always had this sense of wanting to go somewhere. I was a bit of a wonderer as a child, meaning I certainly enjoyed my environment. My parents said I was a rather well adjusted little boy, but I was constantly just walking out of the house, as a four year old toddler and walking down the block and I would go and meet other people, you know, kind of a scary situation for a parent when you realize where, you know, where's my son? And my parents would have, you know, my dad would hop in the car and start driving around the neighborhood and eventually they'd find me. You know, I'm, which I found really odd. Like people would just, you know, think like, Oh, here's this little kid and he's talking to us, but shouldn't he really be at home? I think through a little bit of therapy, um, I was starting to get in touch with this sense of loss. I wasn't sure if I had a sense of place.

Damon (10:25):

Joseph speculates that he was a bit of a melancholy child. He lacked a sense of belonging and he attributes that to his adoption. The sense of loss early in Joseph's life was rekindled when Leslie began her search. Joseph told me that he sought therapy to talk about what he was feeling. He said when he was younger, he was really open to seeing people he looked like and wanting to meet biological relatives as an older man. The family he knew and loved sort of felt like enough for him and he appreciated his adopted family for what they meant to him. When he decided to search, he admitted it was scary because the idea of opening Pandora's box and not finding the story he wanted to hear could be tough to handle.

Joseph (11:11):

I attribute the way I've thought about my adoption. It's been in my thought process to uh, my adopted mom. She was, she was very open about talking about the adoption. She was, she made me feel very good about, you know, that I was a special, kid they, they wanted me, they loved me, you know. So I did talk to my mom quite a bit about being adopted and that always felt like a good thing, you know, it was never, you know, I didn't feel bad or anything.

Damon (11:45):

Yeah. Cause if you felt like it was a secret, if there was something being hidden or kept from you, it can lead to some additional feelings like, well, what are you, what are you guys hiding from me? Like how bad is this? Right? But if someone could speak openly about it, it changes things about how you feel going into into search and reunion. I'm, I'm with you.

Joseph (12:09):

Definitely. Yeah. I had a good foundation as far as like if I wanted to search for my biological family, my parents and my family were behind me 100%

Damon (12:20):

when he was 18 a woman in his church who knew he was adopted, shared that she had learned of an organization with an online adoption registry that was trying to rematch biological families. He filled out their forms hoping for a match, but no results were ever returned. Later, his older sister, Laurie, a real supporter of Joseph finding his biological family would call from time to time to ask if he'd been searching, checking to see how it was going, and generally offering to help. In the early 1990s she noticed that in the Seattle times newspaper, people were submitting classified ads with information about their adoption in search of their biological families. Joseph did the same, adding his birth name and last initial the hospital he was born in and the fact that he was searching for his biological mother, adding her name and last initial, we'll get to how he knew that information a little bit later.

Joseph (13:14):

The day the ad ran, my sister receives a voice message and unfortunately my sister wasn't there to take the call, so it went to her answering machine or voice message. My sister calls me, she's like, are you ready for this? And I'm like, you cannot. I mean like somebody actually just called and she's like, I missed this call, but there's a message and a woman is on the other, you know, leaving this message saying, you know, I'm calling and response to this ad in Seattle times. And um, I'm really curious what the last name is, or and is in shame. And my sister said, the voice kind of pauses a little bit. She can hear children in the background and the woman said, you know I think this might be my child.

Damon (14:10):

Oh wow

Joseph (14:12):

and she just says, you know, I'll just call back later. And that was it. Like she didn't leave a phone number or anything?

Damon (14:18):

Oh no. Oh man.

Joseph (14:23):

So really up until very recently, that was like the closest I felt that I got to learning something about myself.

Damon (14:35):

Time goes by. The strength of the internet search capabilities was growing in the 1990s and Joseph sister Laurie was periodically digging online for this Susan woman. Joseph decides to cold call one of the phone numbers for a Susan lives in North Carolina. He explained to the woman who answered the phone that he was doing some genealogical research. The woman who answered the phone said, Oh, you must be looking for my mother. She gets a lot of calls about her genealogical work. The woman offers to have her mother call...