Listen to KIng Christopher & Sir PJ break it down to what it is they are looking for when choosing to date. How dating has worked or didnt work in the past and how through the lessons we learned, be better at dating.

Let's Vibe!

Takeaways:

• The significance of self-awareness in the dating process cannot be overstated, as understanding oneself fosters healthier relationships.
• Past dating experiences often illuminate the need for better communication and clearer intentions in relationships moving forward.
• Recognizing personal growth is essential; lessons learned from previous relationships guide individuals towards more fulfilling connections.
• Mutual respect and accountability are crucial in any relationship, as they create a safe environment for vulnerability and growth.
• Dating requires intentionality; being aware of one's desires and boundaries leads to more meaningful connections than simply relying on chemistry.
• The journey of dating is inherently tied to self-discovery, and thus, one must prioritize personal development alongside seeking companionship.

So sick of seeing these buffets.

AI has gotten out of control.

Listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.

This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about and don't make any sense.

This is a real conversation for real adults.

What's Paulita?

What are we even talking about?

What are we even talking about?

Listen to it now, because you want to know what we're talking about.

Hey, guys.

Well, all right.

I want to get laid.

Well, on that note, guys, listen.

Listen.

Y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.

This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about bullshit and don't make any sense.

This is.

This is a real conversation for real adults.

What's Paulita?

What are we even talking about?

What are we even talking about?

Listen to it now, because you want to know what we're talking about.

What's up, King?

What's up, sir?

And what's up to all you out there listening?

Welcome to the what Are We Even.

Talking about podcast, where every other episode, we take turns choosing a topic unbeknownst to the other.

So the conversation is unrehearsed, authentic, and.

Most importantly, a safe space for friends to be vulnerable.

So grab your favorite cocktail or mocktail and get ready to find out.

What are we even talking about?

So what's going on, y' all?

It's your boy, pj, AKA sir pj.

Just make sure it's never Daddy.

Always Sir.

And that caught me off guard, but it is King Christopher, and if you want it to be Daddy, I'm with it.

So how are you doing?

How was your week?

How are you?

I'm tired.

I'll be really honest about it.

This week, what El Marlo said today drained me.

Like, I don't know.

I think I'm getting back to that space where I'm becoming demotivated again.

I need to probably, like, get a session in with my therapist and find some ways to, like, come.

I don't know.

Maybe I need a, like, dopamine kick.

But, like, the week kind of kicked my ass.

I wasn't feeling it, and so, like, every little thing kind of got under my skin.

But it's okay.

It's the weekend, and I am going to savor the sweet flavors of just being able to exist.

What about you?

How was your week overall?

My week was actually pretty good.

You know what?

Let me stop lying, because a little unknown fact to y' all.

This is take two of this actual episode.

We tried recording this the other day, and it's just weird.

I just couldn't keep focus.

And King is over there just being as patient as he wants to be.

And I think that had to do with everything that was going on last week.

I was in the middle of this shift and I'm still kind of in this shift, but I'm.

I'm finally like getting my groove back and moving into what it is I want to take care of and what, like what my next step is to conquer, to.

To feel better about myself.

Like, I cleaned off my bike.

Bicycle, actually.

Bicycle.

And not, not one of them electric ones, like ones that you require actually to use your legs.

Because I like riding through Brooklyn.

I like having my headphones, my music, and just, just going to town and having a good old time.

What did it require to clean off the bicycle?

Like, what was on the bicycle?

That's why it needed cleaning up, because.

It'S been sitting outside.

So.

Okay, okay, you cleaned it.

I thought you were saying, like it was in the house and you had it covered with things.

I'm like, so, you know, I had my clothes and a couple of old sheets.

Okay, got you.

I live.

I live on the fourth floor of a walk up and we don't have a bike.

A few of us in this building has been pressing management to get like a bike rack in the lobby and they're cheap so like, they won't do it.

So I keep it in the back of the building, but it's outside.

So it's been there since last year.

So it's got a little rusty.

Yeah, I did some kind of a little buffer over to it before I take it to the bike shop and actually really feel comfortable because it's a really nice dirt bike.

Is actually was my dad's bike that my mom was going to hold on to because it came in a pair.

But lady, you're not even riding your bike.

So like, and you got a new one.

So like, let me have this.

Like, I'm going to.

I'll take good care of it.

And it's something that's missing.

Like a lot of exercise is missing from my daily routine.

So, like, I want to get in the habit of like waking up early, early, even if it's like 5 o' clock in the morning to just ride it for an hour before I get my day started.

I commend you for that.

If I live to be 90 years old, I will grow to be an old man missing daily exercise for my life.

So good for you for even wanting to do that because let me tell you who's not exercising.

So with that, as I just.

As I just told.

I was gonna say, as I just told the universe that I am unhealthy.

Let's go ahead.

I'm gonna go ahead and warm us up before PJ comes, and I'm gonna ask a question.

And I thought long and hard about this because I really wanted to make sure that it was something unique and interesting and something that would really make you think.

So my question for you is, name a time where you were able to recognize your growth.

Like daily life experiences, something that occurred, maybe something that you might have reacted to differently than maybe you would have reacted before.

Like, name a time where you really recognized he.

I've grown.

Picture it, Brook.

Harlem, circa whatever year that was that Rihanna performed at the Super Bowl.

Okay, I went.

I went to a Super bowl party.

You know, unbeknownst to me, I didn't know who was going to be there.

Sidebar.

I just really like using big words like you.

So unbeknownst is now becoming unbeknownst, brought.

To you by path.

Okay, I went to the super bowl party, and it's a.

It's a buddy of mine shout out to you if you ever listen to this, but I'm not gonna say your name.

And him and his husband has been trying to get me over his house for a long time.

I know they both kind of had a crush on me and wanted to do, like, you know, the things, but that's not gonna happen because I'm, I.

I've already lived that part of my life, and I don't want to do that.

Right.

Yeah.

But I do know that when I'm in an environment with a bunch of other, like, same gender loving men, I know what I look like and, you know, without any ego attached to it.

And a lot of guys tend to flirt with me, and a lot of guys tend to flirt the wrong way, and I don't like to be touched.

And, you know, after a while of me saying, okay, you know, you can stop doing that right now.

I appreciate that.

In the past, the Tammy Roman in me would have come out and there would be some furniture arranging, some, you know, I'm just waiting to see what that wall look like from.

From what Ms.

Silly said, you know, But I realized that I was getting angry and it was really pissing me off, and I realized it was gonna be a damper on everyone.

So instead of me walling out, I just took a quick breath, I went to the bathroom, I washed my face, and then I hugged the host.

You know, and his partner.

And then I hugged, like, two other people that I knew.

And I left.

And as I was walking down 125th, I was really thinking about.

And then, lucky enough, one of my best friends, she had called me, and I was like, oh, my God, let me tell you how much I've grown right now.

She said, who did you not beat?

I was like, you know me so well.

She was like, you've been.

I could tell this.

I could hear it.

You have been drinking a little bit.

And she was like, did you.

And I was like, no.

I actually walked out before anything transpired.

And that's growth.

That's anger management classes helping.

That's me understanding my relationship with alcohol.

And I'm proud of myself because it's never a good thing whenever I get like that.

Good for you.

You deserve to be proud of yourself.

That's awesome.

That's, like, actually really dope for me.

So I have been with my job now for a year and a half, and I have spent my entire life a condition or I guess a symptom of my ADHD that I recently found out about, because I don't think I ever attached it to that before.

But I spent my entire life walking from experiences that make me feel inconvenienced.

I don't.

I'm a quitter.

I'm a quitter.

I'm just gonna keep it real.

Like, anytime I feel like, yeah, this is requiring more effort than I want to put forth, or I don't like the way that I'm starting to feel, or I'm starting to believe that this isn't the place for me, I leave.

And I've done it repeatedly throughout my lifetime.

So to be at this job knowing that it's not terrible, it's not the worst place in the world.

I can say that honestly for anybody that I.

If I haven't said it yet, I work for the insurance company.

It's a beautiful company, a wonderful company to work for.

I think that they really do care about their employees.

I do feel incredibly supported there.

However, the particular job that I do can be very tasking for different reasons.

And I have felt like, in separate, on different occasions, that I'm not necessarily set up for success.

So it can become overwhelming.

And it's one of those things where when you fall behind, you feel like you're kind of forever racing to catch up.

And.

I don't know.

I got to a point earlier in the year where I kind of almost felt like I was having a mental break because it just got to a point as to where I was like, I can't keep doing this the way that it is.

And if I do, ultimately one of two things is gonna happen.

I'm gonna snap the fuck out and I'm gonna get fired or I'm just gonna get fed up and I'm gonna quit.

So for me, I think taking the initiative for myself and taking some time off using my benefits, I had, you know, fmla.

I took some short term disability and I took a month off of work.

I was gone from around Martin Luther King Day to around the middle of February and I came back and I can honestly say it's still not perfect.

I'm not bubbly and perky and oh my gosh, I love being at this place of work every single day.

But I can definitely say I've gotten a better handle on it.

I think I've learned to manage and cope with certain things a lot better.

And I've just gotten to a space where I'm proud of myself for recognizing that it's okay sometime to step away.

You don't have to walk away completely because had this been even two years ago, I'm not even going to give myself that much grace.

Had this been two years ago, I would have been quit this motherfucking job.

So, yeah, there's that.

Well, congratulations for trying to take a step back before you react because I be.

Look, well, look, you know what?

Y' all can have it.

I'm gonna tell me where to send the things.

The monitor, the headset, the keyboard.

I have a mousepad if you want it.

Ok.

But no.

Ok.

Ok.

I do want to ask another question.

And this is something that ultimately we add.

You heard the episode as it was originally intended.

You would have heard maybe the.

We'll find out maybe something different.

You'll never know.

It's so funny because I forgot.

So let's.

Yeah, okay.

So this is gonna be fresh.

It's like a fresh start.

Tell me now.

You'll remember when I ask it what in life right now is your favorite thing.

Oh, okay.

I do remember me saying what I said yesterday.

And then after hearing yours, I was like, oh, I should have dug a little deeper.

Okay, so I'll say what I said yesterday or the last time we tried to record it.

So I have a body pillow, which.

Hold on for a second.

Are you going to get the body pillow?

He's going to get the body pillow, y' all.

It's really, it's really a.

It's like a headboard Pillow because I have my bed pushed against the wall so that one headboard is on the wall.

But, you know, so, like, I wonder.

And this is what I want.

I want to find a bed that's made like a nook.

Right.

Because I like the idea of not always laying one way, you know, especially since it's just me in the bed.

So I.

This body pillow is nice.

It's, It's.

It's a really great material.

I paid almost 200 for it and it's still in great condition.

Smells great.

And since I'm the type of person that I hold you like a prisoner, where you think you're going, like, with one hand cuffed under somebody's underarm, it helps that security that I have when it comes to like, my abandonment issues and things of that nature.

And it helps me sleep better because I used to have a blankie when I was younger, so.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

But I will say that right now, my actual favorite, favorite thing, I would say.

Hey, I love your pillow.

You left your pillow, man.

I mean, my, you know.

No, so my.

Okay.

So I'll say this.

My new favorite thing will be my bike.

When I start riding it.

It.

I'll say that that'll be my.

That'll be my new favorite thing.

Like my obsession and full circle moment.

We love that.

It'll.

It'll.

And just check, check back with me like mid summer to see if I'm actually like, using it.

Gotcha.

Okay.

What about you?

So my response when we discussed it last time was a little bit different.

But now I'm going to trigger in and be very real with myself.

My favorite thing is spending money and I probably need to shift from that because.

Such a libra.

You're such a libra.

I don't know.

But like, I really like.

And I'll say this, it's not even necessarily spending money because of course that's what gets you the things.

But, like, I really like things.

It's such an interesting thing.

Like, I get so excited when I order, like, and I kind of sometimes even find myself staggering it out.

Like, I'll order something on Monday and I'll order something on Tuesday and I'll order something on Wednesday so that I can set myself up to.

To kind of have like a package coming every day over the course of the next week.

It's something so exciting about getting new things.

It's a wonder that I'm not an absolute and extreme hoarder.

I do have a little space in this place that I've been now, but it's like I just love things and it's like, not even necessarily.

I always say, like, I've never been really a sneaker head.

I don't really get into.

And I, you know, I love to look at it.

I admire it for everybody that does enjoy it, but I've never really gotten into labels.

It doesn't require, you know, the Gucci, the Louis, the product for me, but I absolutely just love things.

Things.

Like, I have a really.

I won't say massive.

I'll say I have like about a hundred now, but I have a.

A wide variety of vinyl records.

I at one point had too many plants for the level of audacity that I thought.

Like, who, like, who told you that you could be this plant?

Dad, I've barely.

I've slimmed down on the plants, but I don't know, like, I just always find myself, like, I've gotten really into my bedding.

So, like, I've gotten throw pillows and throws and I bought a couple of comforter sets and then I expanded my desk for the sake of the podcast.

And so, like, I'm always buying things for the aesthetic desk set up and always looking on TikTok and Pinterest trying to find new things that I feel like, kind of catch my eye.

It's like.

I don't know, it's like I'm just always buying shit.

So if I'm being honest, that's my thing.

I love acquiring things and I love.

And this does kind of fit into what I.

The last time that we talked about it.

Because when I talked about it the last time I said that my favorite thing was doing things for myself, which is very true.

I love knowing that I have the capability to take care of myself and that I'm able to within whatever ability that I do have to like, provide for myself.

Not just needs, but wants.

Like, these are things that I want and I'm not restricted in any way, but I love to buy shit.

I really do.

It tickles my fancy.

Have you ever, like, you say you like to spread things out.

Have you ever spread things out so far that, like, let's say you order something that you can get tomorrow, but you put it down for weeks later so you completely forget what's coming and.

Then you get excited when it comes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, It's.

I think it's a thing that they say that libras are materialistic.

And I don't think that materialistic is the choice.

I think we just like things of Beauty.

And we like things.

Because I'm not a label person whatsoever.

I don't really like wearing labels on me, but I get that I love my stuff.

Like, and it's so funny because you said that, like, I don't know.

If I had to be real with myself, I probably would have to, like, take ownership and that I am materialistic.

But when it applies to things that spark joy for me, not necessarily as it applies to luxury, because I think that's a different thing.

Right?

Because who.

I mean, I don't care.

Like, it's.

People talk and.

Which I never understood, but I get it.

But I still don't understand it, because you're misunderstanding the point.

Sometimes you could tell a lot about a person by their shoes.

But I'm also not a big sneaker or shoe head.

So, like, I will wear rundown shoes because they're still comfortable.

They're still fine.

You know, I'm not out here trying to impress anybody.

I gotta walk every day in these feet, not you.

These shoes look good to me.

And they still.

They still work.

They don't talk.

Oh.

One of my students was saying to me, what are.

Because I had, like, a pair of.

And ones that are designed like air forces, like Nikes.

And what are.

What are those?

And I'm like, sneakers that I paid $26 for.

Okay.

And very comfortable.

And they've lasted me for two years.

I have four pairs of shoes.

I have a pair of white sneakers, a pair of black sneakers, a pair of tan sneakers, and a pair of black loafers.

And those are literally, like, at this point, they're so it's like, it's such an interchangeable thing for me.

It's like, I don't know if I'll ever need another pair of shoes now.

I'm not even gonna lie.

Cause I do have a lot of sneakers.

I do.

It's so weird because.

But they're not all fancy sneakers.

Like, really cheap, to be honest with you.

But they look nice.

I like the way things look.

Like I said, what sparks joy for you W a W E T a podcast or.

Or Wawida podcast.

So I warmed us up.

Cool us down and tell us how we can be better.

All right, y' all, so this is a part of the segment of the show where, based on things that I've experienced and things I'm pretty sure other of you have experienced out there, I think it's time for somebody to tell you guys, let's do better.

All right, so rule number one, when you on your Way to work or wherever you gotta be.

And you gotta be there at a specific time, and you're late, and you take your lateness out on everybody else.

Do better.

Leave your house earlier, okay?

Don't get mad at the person who is serving you because you think they're moving too slow.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be late now.

No, bitch, you were late before.

So it ain't got nothing to do with them.

They're just trying to perform a service for you.

Let's be a little bit nicer to service people, okay?

Because guess what?

Ain't nobody in charge of your time but you.

You didn't leave your house earlier.

You didn't wake up earlier, and it's okay.

Shit, I'm always late.

I try my best not to be, but I don't stress myself.

I also don't like to be rushed.

So I move at my glacial pace.

But I'm not going to take my anger out on someone else because it's not their fault, you know?

Let's do better.

Number two, just like you were saying, let me tell you something, y' all, all you out there walking around looking at social media thinking that all of this stuff is real.

And I really need y' all to pay attention to this.

It ain't real, y' all, okay?

Because a lot of these people who are living this lavish life or showing that they're living this lavish life, how about they do a 360 of their camera, of their room, about of their space, and you see how empty it is, you know?

Or you.

And I'm not judging people, but what I am saying is that you can't model yourself after someone else if you ain't even nowhere near close to where you want to be.

Stop trying to push yourself on, like, what everybody, stop trying to keep up with the Joneses.

And you can barely keep up with the Sam's.

Not the Sam's Club.

Sam's Club.

So, like, let it go.

Let it go.

Budget yourself together, you know, if you like things like we like things, don't put yourself in financial ruin.

Like I've been.

I was gonna say, like me, there's.

A little bit of projection here, and I can admit it, you know?

But don't put yourself in financial ruin just because you want that.

Because it's still going to be there later.

Don't worry.

Take your time.

Let's do better.

And lastly, and this is most importantly, stop putting your ketchup in the refrigerator.

That's it.

I'm done.

It says, for Best results.

Refrigerate after open.

It doesn't say you must refrigerate.

Who wants cold ketchup on their hot burger?

Not I, said the cat.

That's it.

Let's do better.

I will say that I don't necessarily support that belief system.

However, do better in whatever regard you feel like you need to.

Because my ketchup bottle is going in the fridge.

I would keep it real with you.

So I felt a little hit biting.

All you gotta do is shake it up.

Shake it up.

And remember, y' all, shake the ketchup up, because when you open it.

Okay.

Little squirts.

Little.

Little pre cum of ketchup.

Yeah.

What are we even talking about?

Not pre cum of ketchup.

So after some very intentional thoughts, I have decided that this week's topic is going to be.

And I'm going to pivot, but I want to have a very broad conversation about.

And it's a little icky, but it's okay.

We'll lean in.

Let's talk about dating.

Oh, God.

I said a little icky.

You know, I warned you.

I'll start.

I think once upon a time, I kind of complained so very much.

And it's so interesting because I think a lot of times people limit themselves to the idea of, oh, the city that I live in is so terrible when it comes to people.

And guys are this and girls are that.

And, like, dating is so many things.

But I love to tell people all the time, like, it's not just where you live.

It's the human experience.

Like, sometimes people suck.

But I think for me, for a long time, I had so many different complaints about why I was unsuccessful at dating.

And I would put it off on other people.

It was like, oh, people have mommy issues or daddy issues or abandonment issues, or these people kind of want to move too fast or these people want to, like, drag things out.

And this whole go with the flow experience, not really knowing if we're being intentional about our experience.

So I think for me, for a really long time, I was so stuck on kind of labeling it.

Okay, well, these are the reasons why dating isn't working for me.

These are all the reasons why other people are so terrible and why I can't find a relationship or why I can't be happy.

But one thing, one thing I really had to determine for myself.

I don't mean to laugh.

You're fine.

It's what's real.

It's what's real.

But I think for me, I had to really determine.

Like, I Say now that for a really long time, as it applied to my turning 18 and becoming an adult, for whatever reason, I just convinced myself that I was so ready for so many adult things.

It's like, oh, I'm ready to move out and I'm ready to pay bills and I'm ready to be in a relationship and I'm ready to go to clubs and I'm ready to do all these things.

So many things that even now sitting here as a 40 year old man, I can tell you sincerely that I'm not ready to do.

And I can say that for a long time I didn't really have a great sense of who I was as an individual.

I didn't even really have a great sense of love and appreciation for myself.

I struggled a lot as it applied to self concepts and really understanding who are you, what do you like, what do you want out of life?

What type of experiences do you enjoy having?

My focus was so much more on the other person and what it took to make them happy and the things that I can do to satisfy and please them and what are all the ways that I can make their day better.

So I think what I've learned over time, especially as I've grown and I've started to realize more and more a general sense of like self appreciation and self worth and self value, is that for me and where I am right now, I was telling somebody recently like, I'm not sexual or romantic in this moment.

I'll be honest and I want to be transparent in this space and I want to be very real with you all our listeners.

I'm not seeking to be sexual or romantic with anybody new.

If we didn't already had some stuff going on in the past and we might decide to get on and shake some shit up, hey, meet me in the back room.

However, as far as new experiences, I'm not really seeking anything out.

And I say that specifically because it's just like I feel that everything that I could be doing to invest into a new person, invest into getting to know someone, invest into trying to develop a relationship, are all things that I could be doing for myself right now.

As I'm on this journey of growth, as I'm on this journey of development, as I'm on this journey of betterment, just trying to become a better person every day I want to be better.

And so I'm really in that space now of moving outside of the excuses that I made so long for why dating wasn't working because it was like, oh, it's his fault because of this or it's her fault because of that.

And really understanding for me it was like, yeah, you were never ready and you were trying to force something that ultimately would have never worked because it wasn't your time.

Right.

What are some of your thoughts on that and what have maybe been some of your experiences with dating?

So it's crazy because real talk, I don't date much, contrary to popular belief.

And everybody says, oh, I know niggas that beat down at your door.

Let me explain one thing.

I know you got hoes.

I know you got hoes.

So here, here, here's.

I saw this shout out to this, this woman I follow on TikTok and Instagram, what is it?

Girl with a notebook.

And so she'll like, she'll.

Is that the one you sent me?

Yeah, she'll.

I sent you.

She has a plethora of them, right?

So it's always she'll see something and she'll act like she got a notebook and write it down.

I saw this one that said don't confuse me not having a roster with me not having people in the waiting.

So I may not have a roster.

I may not have a list of people I can call, but I can tell you right now there's a waiting list already like developed.

I'm not, you know, it's really weird because I don't really get out much and I've been trying to open up more.

It took me a long time to heal and then reheal and by healing I mean like get the last long term relationship out of my system and then rehealing by understanding all the wrong that I did in that relationship and can't solely blame it on them and say, oh, they were this awful person.

When I added to it as well and realizing my fuckboyness and all this shout out, I want to give a special shout out to Justin Rain Bryant.

He used to have this show and I'm not sure if he still has it, called Fuckboy problems.

And I was a guest on his show and his show was dedicated to guys sharing their fuckboy stories.

And so I came on and it would be instead of me sharing my fuckboy stories, I would share my fuckboyness.

And so every episode was titled Mr.

And whatever you want to go by, right?

So whatever their fuckboy issue was.

So mine was Mr.

Up and down, aka Mr.

Leave Me Alone, I'm lonely.

Go away, come back, Go away, come back.

Well, shout out to Pink, that's one of my favorite songs because it's literally me go away, come back.

Why can't I have it both ways?

I know now that I'm trying to date someone but I need them to understand.

And it's so interesting how you and I are similar, but so different.

Cause I'm the complete opposite with that.

Like I.

I don't ride the same pony twice.

So like if we've had a situation in the past, we've had it in the past.

There have been a few, very few and far in between times where I'll go back and then I realize as I go back, as I've gone back, yeah this wasn't what I really wanted in the first place.

So why am I here?

The second time triggered cause for me it's very.

That Coco Jones song where she's like over and over and over we go ye yeah.

I think every relationship that I've ever experienced has at least gotten a twofer if not a three or four or five tries.

Like I've done that once in my life as far as relationship goes and I realized that that just wasn't I said I shed what I shed shout out to Nene Leakes and I really live by that creed.

But here's the thing where I say that we're similar.

If I'm dating as a single man, I'm a single man.

I'm very sexual.

I believe in sexual liberation.

I believe in sexual exploration and sexual freedom.

Getting to know I too believe in those things.

Anybody for anybody curious but getting to.

Know you, I'm not gonna sit here and act like you know, oh I just met you.

So we're not fucking like I've been in relationships and long term relationship.

We fucked on the first day we met but I would be if I see I like you, I'm less inclined to want to have sex with you.

I want to see if you like me for me because I know that you're going to like whatever happens in the bedroom no matter what role is played.

Shout out to knowing my skill.

I mean, hey.

But I just.

And I think maybe this goes back to dates when I was celibate and realizing what people focus on and what happens when all they want is sex or something sexual.

Like I'm.

I'm more of a romance, cuddle, companionship, friendship, you know with an occasional let's fuck kind of situation.

But it's not like something I need.

So dating hasn't been the best for me because I'm just now really admitting the fact that I'm really ready to be in A relationship.

You know, you heard it here first.

Let me, let me ask you, because you brought up a really interesting point.

Do you find that, and who's to say what can be deemed too soon?

But do you find that maybe having sex too soon can destroy the potential for dating for you?

Because for me, I think it does.

I don't think it does.

And this is why.

It's very individualized.

So I have boyfriend sex.

So I'm passionate.

I can't be passionate with everybody because then what ends up happening is that they start to misunderstand that passion for like, and, oh, he's, oh, he touched.

I love the way he touches me and this and that.

Whatever.

Not to say I touch everybody like that, but I mean, I, I, I have methods and I know it works.

And I know, I know I, I like to explore people's bodies.

That's, that's just always something that's been important to me.

Right.

Shout out to methods.

Okay.

Shout out to learning.

I've been on this earth for quite some time.

As Wendy Williams once said, I have lived many lives, okay?

And yeah, so I have.

And so I think now I just want somebody to like me for me and not like me because I look good or the sex is good or just because, you know, I make them laugh, but like me for all of it.

And you won't really get to know that unless you spend more time with me versus clothes with clothes on versus spending more time with me after we've done what we've done.

Like, let, let what we're doing lead to that and then we still play around.

You know what I mean?

So it's twofold for me, I think.

First, if I don't know you very well and I have sex now, mind you, it can be amazing sex.

I could feel great about all of the experiences that we've had in that space of touch.

But if I don't know you very well, and that's kind of how we start, for me, I think how I lead is how I end up.

So it's like, it's one of those things where if I haven't really had an opportunity to really get to know much about you or to form a conn, or really be able to determine for myself if there's an interest and that's where we start.

Even if that's really good, I feel like moving forward.

That's how I'm going to view you and that's what I'm going to want.

So while it's like, oh, so what's your favorite color?

Fuck that.

Take your clothes off.

And that's kind of my mindset.

So it's like, I think once it's created, as much as I would want to be able to remove myself from that, I think that can be a struggle for me.

And then the second thing being something that you said made me think of this a couple of years ago, I had to, like, and my therapist laughed at me so hard.

But I started saying for myself, like, I can't keep telling the universe that I want to be a husband.

And I'm still out here being a hoe because it's like, what's the truth?

And which do you want me to believe?

Like, do you want to be a husband or do you want to still be out here being a hoe?

Like, if you want to be a husband, we can curate that experience for you and we can lead you to where you want to go.

But if not, then you might, you know, you might not be definitely certain or might not at least be being intentional about what it is that you say that you want.

So I had to kind of come to terms with that too, for myself, as far as, like, where I'm at now when it comes to dating and sex and romance, because, like, I've kind of put everything on pause because I know for me moving forward, that once I do decide that I am ready, you know, we get older.

Like, I do want to find a way that space of, like, hey, this person is somebody that even if it's not maybe walking down the aisle or saying vows before whoever and loved ones, at least something that could be long term and something that I could see myself enjoying a better portion of my life doing with somebody.

See, you said a very special word to that, and that's curate, in my opinion, right?

Like, to curate.

Like, we can fucking, we can make love, we can do all those things.

I believe.

And this is, I mean, based on my experience, how we start is how we finish, you know, so, like, if you want to fuck, guess what?

Then that's all this is going to be.

But if you want to get to know me, I don't want to misunderstand the two.

Now, I'm not saying that we can't have sex, but it's just.

It's been my experience that, you know, people fall deeper when they become physically connected with each other.

But I do want to say that based on what you said, I have this humongous issue with this sentence that says you can't turn a hoe into a Housewife.

You most certainly can.

You just have to curate it to what it.

To what it should be between the two of you.

Like, I have been a whore and unapologetic about it.

Like slore.

A slut and a.

Okay.

And that's me as a single person.

But when I'm in a relationship, you are the only thing I think about.

And not only thing I think about, it's realistic.

I'm a human, I'm a man.

But there could be a thousand people in the room.

You're the only one I notice.

You're the only one I'm paying attention to.

You're the one who I am trying to please.

You're the one who makes me happy.

You're the one who I'm going to make happy.

You're the one who.

Where my focus comes in.

I don't care who's dropped that gorgeous.

And also learning that, you know, I'll never again get into falling into a relationship just because the person looked good.

Cause that was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my entire life because I didn't get to know them.

And as we got to know each other, we realized mutually that we really didn't like each other.

Right.

But we had been together for so long, you know, so we realized it in little conversations later at the end, you know, like, don't.

Wouldn't you know this about me already by now?

Like, we've been together for all these years.

Like, you wouldn't notice.

Oh, that's because you don't like me enough to pay attention to these little things.

Let me ask you, when you were younger, and when I say younger, I mean like late teens, early 20s, that type of vibe.

Did you actually go on dates?

I did.

After a nut.

I did not.

I never did.

I literally was in my mid-30s before I ever.

Actually, I'm saying that now if we're.

We're already in a relationship, of course we're going to the movies, we're going out to eat, things like that.

But like, with a person where it's like I meeting you and I'm interested in you.

So, like, let's go out somewhere.

Let's do something outside of the house and have a conversation.

Not you sitting over, coming up over to my house, sitting on the couch, we watching a movie.

And now, like, we're kind of getting frisky.

Like, I didn't go out on a date until I was in my mid-30s.

Because for me, dating when I was 20 was, you're cute.

You're cute, too.

Now we're hanging out.

Now we're having sex.

Now we're spending all our time together.

Now we're in a relationship.

Now we're telling each other we love each other.

And probably somewhere within the first three months of the experience, we're kind of realizing that we don't really know anything about each other.

And now we're over here, like, trying to rip each other's heads off because we're not compatible or we don't really like each other, like you said.

And it's just.

Yeah, the twenties were crazy.

So in my early days.

And I'll say it like this, right?

Like, I mean, I guess it's all based on experience and, like, what has happened to you in your life and what has triggered.

And what is what.

What has happened?

For me, you know, I started.

I used to create arguments with my mother just so I can leave.

And, you know, I'm from New York, so just so I can leave and head to the village.

And this is back when the pier was the pier back in, like, right after Paris burning days.

And so, like, when it was really black and gay.

So.

And I never really.

Honestly, the more I think about it, I didn't really go on a lot of dates.

I went on dates after we've already had sex, you know, so, like, we've already, you know, so we already know what we got.

And so now, like, yeah, let's go hang out and.

But it would always lead back to sex.

It would never.

It wouldn't.

In my early 20s and we're picking that beer.

I also know that I am pretty monogamous.

So if I like you, I'm with you.

And at that time, I was also, like, a leech.

Like, I was very.

I was very codependent also, because, you know, I'm young, kicked out the house, nowhere to go.

This man loves me.

This man says he loves me.

This man treats me well.

I treat him well.

We like each other.

Yeah.

I need a place to go.

Let me.

Let's move in and then become codependent and not really learn.

Learning who he is, who I am.

How can I be a man dealing with a man who's older than me?

You know, all the things that most gay men go through when they're in their early days dating somebody who's older.

I'm literally thinking, copy and paste everything that you're saying.

Copy and paste.

Like, we've all been there.

And it's just, you know, it's so interesting how some of us might Hear a story from somebody else going through something and you're like, dang, that was me when I was like 20 something.

And that's why I always tell people, like, I say this one thing and, like, do better with this one.

All right, you young boys out here who are in your early 20s, and I'll say early 20s, 25 and younger.

Yeah, you say that.

You don't do this and you don't do this, and you're a total this, you're a total that.

Let me explain something to you one thing, honey.

As you get older, unless you have situations that prevent you from doing so, you cannot say what you are not going to do later down the road.

Because, baby, I used to say I'm a total top.

Ain't nobody me.

So, like, I wish that people would learn who they are first before they make such claims about what they never are going to do.

So let's do better with that.

That's just me dragging it backwards for no pain.

And don't take it for granted, because Lord knows.

And I'll expound on this at a later date.

I long for a good plow sometimes.

Oh, how I miss the days where I could get a nice plow.

However, I was gonna ask you.

It's always the creep, the lead up to it.

I think we're gonna let this ride for a little bit before we go into detail.

However, I do want to ask you, like, at this point, especially now, you know, we talked about when we were younger with where you are now, do you believe that there's an ideal?

And maybe not like, okay, what's the perfect date?

But, like, what is your ideal dating experience?

Because I think I'm starting to develop an understanding of what mine looks like.

I know.

I know exactly what mine looks like.

My.

Okay, my ideal date is.

Call it what you want, call it cheap, call it whatever.

It's very you and I.

It's very outside, taking long, long walk, strolls, people watching.

I like to.

People watch.

And I think that it's a really good first date because it lets you kind of like, into their head about how they see people.

So I'll, like, take a date out to, like, the park and we'll sit.

And then I'm like, let's.

Let's.

Let's play a little game and, like, let people watch and let's see what the stories you come up with with these people walking past or whatever.

And it kind of like.

It's also me, like, being all psychology, like sociology and all that stuff.

You Know, trying to figure you out ways in a manipulative, non manipulative way.

If it is somebody, somebody told me I was manipulating by using situations versus saying words like okay, okay, and cyborg.

If I ever go okay, that means.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

Sure I have.

I don't even have to prove anything to you.

You got it.

That's.

That's all of the things.

You got it.

All right.

But now I think, and maybe this was based on like the last situation I was in.

I really want to take the time to see as much of you before I even try to say, you know what?

I think this is gonna be my man or woman or whatever I end up with.

Just to give y' all a little.

Hope and lives matter.

And I get that.

I feel that.

Like I.

So I like that.

I like that concept.

For me, I wanna do something interactive.

So number one, I think I've, I've gone on, I'll say within the past five years, I've gone on a few dates where the first date experience has been the ar.

And I think I've had some of the most fun of my lifetime.

Just like experiencing somebody from that space of getting to see them enjoy themselves and kind of vibe in on that inner child level and just kind of like really having fun.

Or even like museums where it's like, who knows?

We may not necessarily understand all the concepts of this art, but it's fun.

We're just kind of getting to walk around and be amongst people and talk.

Yeah.

Be very casual.

I think like, I got so kind of caught up in a phase for a while where everything was like, let's go out to eat, let's go out to the movies, let's go out to eat, let's go out to the movies.

And it's like there's only so many restaurants and so many, you know, movie theaters.

Like it gets kind of, like, it gets kind of boring.

And to be honest with you, like, a movie is a horrible date situation.

Yeah.

As you're trying to get to know someone because you're spending all this time being quiet.

Unless you're going to have an in depth conversation later or unless you plan on getting head while you're, you know, in the theater or giving head, whichever is your pleasure.

It's how you always pull the thoughts out of my head and allow them to come out of your mouth.

Because I'm definitely over here thinking of myself.

Like if we go into the movie on the first date, my head's probably in your Lap.

Just keeping it real.

Listen.

But you know something?

It's this also.

I like to see people how competitive they are.

Yes.

I like to see.

I like to also see if you are a sore loser.

This lets me know a little bit more about your character.

There are certain things that you can do that just gives you an insight to how a person is.

Because I think that when you date someone, I don't think you should really say that you're in a relationship with someone until, like, you've seen them in all of their seasons.

Like, you've seen them when they're happy, when they're sad, especially when they're mad.

Like, how do they react when they're mad?

Is the one thing I know.

Like, in my.

In one of my situations, we did have a conversation about, like, you know, something that I did or said or didn't do because I completely disregarded his feelings in one moment.

And I apologize later about it because I realized what I did and his response was, no, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

No, no.

I need you to stand ten toes deep in something because things like that lets me know that I can walk all over you.

So I need to know that you have a backbone and you can be respectful in expressing yourself.

But it's important that you do express yourself and you not try to.

People please me, because I'm not doing that.

That anymore for anybody.

So now I have to hold my original thought because I want to comment on that.

For me, I am at such a point in my life where if we cannot respect one another, I don't want to be involved.

And don't get me wrong, I'm never going to expect to get to a place of perfection.

As to where we get along so well.

We never disagree.

We always see eye to eye.

We're always riding the same wavelength.

That and experiencing things from the same vantage point.

I would never be as naive to expect that.

However, I need for us to get on the same accord when it comes to.

If you can't acknowledge that, hey, right now things are getting a little heated.

And I don't want this to turn into something that's gonna cause us to maybe resent this moment or cause us to hold a space of resentment for one another or I don't even wanna get to the point as to where, before you know it, we're talking to each other in.

That would not represent how we feel about each other in this moment.

I can't be involved because I've done yelling, I've Done screaming at the top of my lungs.

I've done punching holes in the wall, and I'm never doing that again, ever, in my whole entire life.

If you can't.

If we can't be respectful of one another and at least understand that if we're not in a position right now to have a conversation from a rational space that we might need to take a space away, take a walk, take a drive, be away from each other for some time until we can come back and calmly discuss it.

I don't want to be involved.

I just don't.

I don't want to be involved.

If you can't discuss it.

If you act like everything is okay, but you are holding things in and let's talk about it.

Let's.

Like, like, no, no, it's okay.

It's okay.

You know, I moved on from it.

Like, but what was it?

So I can go.

So I won't do that again.

And I think so many people.

It's been my experience, and I'm a lead off with a lot of.

It's been my experience that people walk on eggshells because they don't want to.

They don't want the other person to run from the real them.

Them.

And I want the other person to hear something that they didn't like and then completely, you know, change.

You know, change the trajectory on what things were going.

It's not supposed to.

This was not my intention.

Because we all know that intention has nothing to do with perception.

Perception.

Okay, Right.

Like, you can intend everything, but, hello, that.

That doesn't mean anything because this is where we are today, how I received it.

All right, so let me ask you this because I wonder if we have this in common.

I kind of have, like, a short list of questions that I ask everybody, and I kind of had to, like, kind of slow down on it because I felt like, damn, like, if people that I've.

Especially if I get, like, this trend of dating people in the same area, like, if they all get together and, like, well, did he ask you about this?

Like, everybody's gonna know that.

Like, I literally asked everybody.

But I have, like, three or four questions that I ask every guy that I meet when I'm first meeting them and getting to know them, just so I can kind of gauge.

I think.

I don't know if it necessarily is like, okay, well, if they answer these questions wrong, that makes me know that moving forward, we can't continue.

But I kind of think it gives me that foundational sense of understanding for, like, what type of person I may be dealing with.

Do you have anything like that?

Not anything in particular that I repeat, I do observe a lot more.

Okay.

I sit back more, let's say, like, if there's a bad situation happening, I want to see how you'll handle it before I step in.

So it's giving trade secrets.

No, no, no.

It's giving trade secrets.

So mine.

And I think it's like, four.

So I think I always ask, what's your biggest fear?

What's your biggest pet peeve?

What do you do for sex when you're single?

And I think there's one more.

And I can't even think of what it is right now because it's not like, where do you want to be in five years?

It's.

It'll come back to me and I'll blurt it out later.

But, yeah, like those.

Those.

Those first three.

I think for me it's about, like, kind of understanding.

Like, what are your fears?

Like, what.

Like, what scares you?

Like, is it something that you know?

Cause, I mean, even if it, who knows?

I might deem something that's very rational to you as completely irrational.

So it's not even coming from a place of judgment.

But I just want to understand that about you.

Pet peeve.

Let me know if something.

What annoys you.

So that ultimately, if that's something that's innately a part of who I am, we may not need to move forward.

Because a lot of people, their biggest pet peeves, from what I'm learning, is they hate to be cut off.

And for me, the way this ADHD is set up, I need to be able to shout out what I'm thinking right now.

Because if I don't, I'm going to forget and it's going to drive me crazy.

Don't let me lose the thought because ultimately the conversation is going to fall off a cliff clip over and over and over again.

So if you can't stand somebody cutting you off, oh, baby, we can't do it.

So, like, it's so crazy because, like, based on our trying to record this episode before, I'm like.

And Blair has gotten to me, this shout out to Blair if any of y' all.

Again, I also host highly melanated.

So, like, these are all the notes I'm taking as we're talking and all the things that I want to say, like, so that you trigger so I don't forget.

Right.

So I don't blur it out.

While we're speaking, I will say this.

There are some questions I ask, but my questions are more foundational versus personality driven.

So like I want to be able to get to understand what makes you you and how did you become this person you are now?

Like what's your, you know, your, your family history is, you know, or like what's your relationship with your family?

And so like this goes back to what you were saying earlier about like disrespect, right?

So I live very much by the creed, same as a lot of other libras that are famous.

Shout out to, you know, I'm always give a bunch of shout outs, right?

You're going to hear that from me a lot.

But like shout out to Will Smith.

He even said, and we're not talking about his relationship because again that relationship number one, he's with the Virgo.

So you know, but he said, and it's the same thing I've experienced.

Like if we have to get disrespectful with each other, you know, like there should be no reason why we're calling each other out of our faces.

Like I, and I grew up in a household where, you know, I grew up in a two parent household, even though that the man who raised me wasn't my birth father, but he raised me like his son.

But I can tell you right now and my family can, if any of my family members hear this and they'll vouch for this, there's a family joke that they can always tell if my parents were arguing because they would be like really heavy on the honeys and okay, honey, you know, or you know, okay babe, I'll take care of this.

But like you know that they're fighting because they never, I can literally say as much as I've known that they were having problems when they were having problems because I was old enough, I was in my early teens and paid attention.

I knew that there were issues, but I never heard my dad call my mom out of her, out of her, out of her face.

So any relationship that I've ever been in, which is astonishing to me for me to be in that relationship that I was in for so long where they were just so disrespectful on, just vile.

And even though a lot of times I may have pushed it for it to happen, anybody who knows me knows that I would not take that.

So even my present day, if you can't call me by my name, you won't start calling me bitches and fags and all these other things, then call that on the other side of the door or, or call that to my voicemail.

Because that's your new boyfriend, not me.

Yeah, because like I said, and I think I said this other night, like, for me, if you can't, if you don't.

If I feel like at any point that you don't respect me because this is my thing.

Respect has to be mutual in every experience.

Every experience.

It doesn't matter who you are, where we are, what the situation is, whatever position you hold, whatever title, like, we have to respect each other.

Because for me, in my mind, if you don't respect me, I don't care about you.

And if I don't care about you, oh, this can like, it's giving orange jumpsuit.

And so, and so a lot of this does come from, like, getting older, right?

Yeah.

Because I know before my focus was always to get you to like, okay, you may not.

You may not like me now, but I'm gonna keep doing this to get you to like me because I want.

I'm a people pleaser.

I want you to like me.

I want.

I wanted you to respect me.

I wanted to you to see me as me.

And I'm gonna try my best to do whatever it is that that takes for you to get there.

And when in fact, there's nothing that I need to do.

Because if they don't respect you, they don't respect you.

And, you know, if they don't respect you, it's really less about you and more about them, to be honest with you.

But that's what therapy is for.

Shout out to therapy.

Come on.

For the note taken.

I see it.

Oh, I'm about to write a note for you to read to the crowd.

I want you to read this to the audience.

Copy and paste.

Copy and paste.

Yes, very.

That.

It's everything.

I think I'm telling you.

Like, I wish that I can go back in time, you know.

Let me ask you a question.

In your experience, what has been the most rewarding part of dating?

And then what's been the most, like, detrimental part?

Dating, Getting to know someone or whatever have you.

I'll say detrimental first because I think rewarding is going to take me a moment.

I might get there after the fact.

But detrimental for me was just like.

Like kind of what you were talking about, that desire to people, please.

And also I think that idea that for whatever reason, if something didn't work out, feeling the need to make it my fault and trying to understand why I wasn't good enough, always feeling like, okay, well, damn, like, if I was better, maybe they would have Loved me.

If I would, of whatever ways, if I would have just tried harder, if I would have just shown up in a different way, maybe they would have stayed, or if I would have just done this or done that, maybe their relationship would have worked.

I always found a way.

No matter how negative the other person was, no matter how much toxicity came from their direction.

I think for me, I always struggled with the idea of believing that if this person that said that they loved me couldn't stand to be around me, there must be something wrong with me.

So that for me, for a really long time was a tremendous detriment for me when it came to dating, because that just came from a very.

I just.

Like I said, I didn't know myself.

I didn't really love myself.

I struggled with that a long time.

I think for me, and I can say it because I've said it recently, for me, the thing that I find the most rewarding when it comes to dating is experiencing that really, really small window.

And who knows, sometimes it can be a larger window, But I find that sometimes it's that really, really small window of time where you just really, really like somebody and it's just fun, just really liking somebody before things get ser.

Before there's any expectation, before you feel under any obligation.

But it's just like, they're so this and they're so that, and I get so excited about this.

Like, that cutesy little shit like, oh, he's texting me.

Or, oh, he, he.

It's my good morning text, or my hey, beautiful, or whatever those things are.

It's like, it's something so exciting in that small window where you just kind of innocently and sweetly get to really enjoy and appreciate the value and.

And just really, really liking a person.

That sweet, cute, innocent schoolgirl shit.

What about you?

Like, what do you feel like has been the most rewarding and what do you feel like has been the most detrimental?

The most rewarding for me has been the sex.

The most detrimental for me has been the sex.

No, hey, if it's.

Call it what it is, call it.

What it is, but no, the real, the most rewarding to me when it comes to, like, dating someone, and this is something I'm working through in therapy, is helping someone see a perspective other than their own and coming together to understand that we don't know it all.

I love.

I.

There's something I love about seeing aha moments, you know, that, that.

That click in your head.

Like, I love that.

And especially if the person is being vulnerable enough and honest enough with me.

Like, if you feel safe with me, you know, Like, I think safety and trust should be a love language as well, you know, like, then I will make sure that you will always feel that that still doesn't really answer the question.

How you not gonna answer.

How you not gonna answer your own question?

No, I get it.

Sidebar.

I was gonna say, interestingly enough for me, and I want you to hold on, because if you want to change your answer or expound on your answer, I definitely want you to.

But sidebar.

For me, effective communication is the sexiest thing on the planet.

For me, if we are having a conversation and we are having effective communication in a way that I am not used to being able to have with people.

Take your motherfucking clothes off.

Well, you just held your.

You just held yourself accountable.

Oh, my God.

That's word.

Ooh, See, my legs just went up in the air.

Trump this.

Listen, I'm telling you right now, like, and I wouldn't even probably plan on bottoming, but you can get it, like, if you can hold yourself accountable.

Like, I think that that's the main thing.

We did an episode on Highly Melanated about our apology languages, and for me, accountability is everything.

And that's one thing that's so important to me.

And if I.

If I find these moments where it's like, okay, he held himself accountable, like, I don't really give a fuck about what other people got to say.

Oh, I wouldn't have done that if I was me at the.

Shut the up.

Nobody asked you.

So, like, it's those moments that I just adore.

Like, I feel like.

I feel like I have purpose in this person's existence.

So that's.

That's it.

But that's also what I'm working through therapy with, because you can't always.

That gives you, like, somewhat of a God complex or feel like you need to fix people or, you know, there's a whole bunch of.

It's a spectrum of where it falls.

The detrimental part about dating is when people are no longer being respectful of each other.

I'm tired of hearing these sentences, these words in this order.

You're the one that got away.

Whose fault is that?

I mean, it's collectively, it's ours.

But, you know, like, maybe if we would have communicated a little bit better.

And now that I've gotten away, understand that I'm away.

Like I said, I don't rate the same pony twice.

I don't.

Don't do it.

But, like, I think also it's been detrimental with.

There's a lyric in Adele's Love to be loved.

Okay?

She has Love is a game.

It's on her last album.

But in this album, to be loved, she has this line in there that says, all I do is just bleed into someone else.

Losing myself.

I do know that I have had a habit of losing myself in someone because I want them to be so great.

So I'll, like, stop what I'm doing and, like, focus so much on them.

And then I forget all the stuff that I was doing.

So, like, now I'm trying to really get a grasp on that.

But I.

There's only way for me to get a grasp on that is to go out there and date.

And I was thinking about this after we tried to record this the first time.

And then this.

That this morning when I was like, when I text you and said, hey, can we do it over, I was just listening to, you know, shout out to the disrespectful Patternisha and her cousin Costarella, AKA the Pattern and Costar, on the phone right now where we are and at the time this was recorded.

We're in a Scorpio full moon, and I have a Scorpio rising.

And I was listening to the parts that it's affecting me in my chart, and I'm really at a point where I am.

All the things that I have experienced and all the things that I have done to people and have had done to me, I've learned a lot.

And now is the time for me to apply all those things I've learned and stop being scared and try to love someone that I can physically see on a regular basis.

Long distance is no longer for me, but, like, for someone that's right there and, like, allow them in my space and not feel annoyed because they're in my space.

But, like, I'm cringing listening to you say it.

But I commend you for being vulnerable enough to admit that here because it's.

Wait to admit what.

What you're saying.

Like, just knowing that that's your truth and being able to say that out loud.

That's awesome, because I'm not there.

But I applaud you for that.

And I.

And I can say that even though I know I'm not there.

I would like to be there.

I would.

I think I.

I have the desire to be there.

I just know that I'm not.

And I have to walk in acceptance of that.

But one thing that you said kind of reminded me of something that I thought about earlier, and I kind of got distracted in my thought, but one of my friends, when I was younger and I was so young, I had to be like 23, they said to me that a lot of times relationships don't work because we're basically picking your stuff up and putting it in a new place.

You go from this relationship and you, you don't heal from whatever it was that you experienced or you're kind of still that same individual.

And now you're over here with this person, trying to love them with the same love that you had for this person over here.

So it's like, I took this love and I brought it over here to you saying, hey, here it is.

Accept it.

It's great.

Please appreciate it.

The other person didn't appreciate it in the way that I wanted them to, but hopefully you will.

And then when that didn't work, you picked it up and you took it over there.

And I feel like for so long I kind of became this serial monogamist because it was like, okay, this didn't, that's fine.

Onto the next.

That didn't work.

Okay, cool.

Onto the next.

And it was like, I just got so caught up in that.

And now I think even as it applies to dating today and me being so afraid to falling back into those habits, that's why I've become a lot more, I guess I, I, I guess I've become far removed from it because it's like at the first sign of anything that I don't like, it's like, all right, gotta go.

Peace out.

So you know what's crazy?

You so, like, shout out to my first partner.

And I always, like, if I, if you ever hear me talking about him, his name was Junior.

He passed away while we were together.

So I also come from a different.

There's a, there's a subcategory of us who have lost a partner.

And so we, There's a, there's a different perspective that you gain once you lose someone that you've been with for a while.

So it does also, even though I was mad young, it does help you mature.

Mature, as I like to say it, I don't like to say mature.

I like to say mature.

It helps you mature a lot faster.

But I will say the trouble that I have now and is because, you know, my last, my last situation, it was a relationship, but it still wasn't like a full on, like, relationship relationship to me because, number one, it didn't last longer than a year.

Number two, we were too far away.

The Feelings were there.

The met my family and everything.

And I, I have nothing but love and respect for him.

Chris, you.

Chris knows this person, so, like.

And there's a possibility that he may listen.

Hey, hey, Chris.

No, I didn't know you go here.

No.

You talk about.

No.

Okay.

No, you're talking about so many, there's so many classes in my life.

Hey, Chris, how are you?

So he's talking about the Chris from the podcast.

Podcast.

That's what he's talking about.

I am what they say.

Animaniacs.

Hello, nurse.

I'm talking about, like, the last, last situationship I got you.

But since before that one, it was 11 years that I've been single.

So now, almost two years after the situationship ended, I am at a place now, I realized that I did that, and that was me.

And my therapist helped me.

She was like, do you really believe that, you know?

You know, do you really believe that you were in love?

And I said, you know, I, I, I, I believe that there was love there, but I also didn't believe that I could love again.

So she was like, okay, so now that you realize that you can, are you willing to keep going and try to find it?

And I'm like, I most certainly am.

Now.

Before I wasn't.

Before I was like, listen, it's been too long.

I've been single for a long time.

I've had the answer to no one but me for a very long time.

So, hello, somebody.

The whole obligations about, like, oh, I didn't.

Where are you?

And when are you gonna be low?

Who the fuck are you asking?

I don't like that, you know?

And so I also have a.

Let me ask you, what would be in this part of your life now, where you are present day?

What would be the ideal relationship style that you can think of?

I'll go first while you make this face.

Because I was like, do you see my face?

My ideal style is we don't have to talk every day, we don't have to see each other every day.

I do need to know that without a shadow of a doubt, I don't doubt that you love me, you care for me, you're thinking of me.

But I'm not solely dependent on our interactions every single day.

Because, again, as a person who's lost someone, there's going to come a point when one of us are no longer here.

What are you going to do then?

So that's the space that I come from with that, because then I become so dependent on hearing this person every day.

And then when you don't anymore, what do you do?

How do you.

How can you go on?

You have to have something going for yourself and being able to do things for yourself without relying on me to do it and vice versa.

And, like, my ideal is, you know, cohabitation is probably not going to happen unless there's multiple bedrooms.

I don't think cohabitation is for me.

Every partner I've been with, I lived with.

The only relationship that I'll say that was.

I didn't have many issues with was with the one who passed away, even though we.

I was much younger and he was about nine.

Nine years older than me.

So, like, I was too young for a lot of things.

So I also look back on that relationship now and, like, had I been a little bit older, would we have still been?

You know, there's all these what ifs, right?

But I do know that I want someone who is excited to see me, is excited to spend time with me, you know?

But it's not.

If we don't, it's not the end of the world.

Or they're so insecure because they think I didn't pick up the phone, or I'm not there, that I'm with somebody else, or I'm thinking about somebody else, so I'm flirting with somebody else and blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.

Know that if I chose you, you're a Pokemon.

Okay, Pika.

I choose you.

Like, I mean it.

Like, you're my choice.

So, like, don't worry about anything else.

Like, there are moments where, you know, I don't want to be bothered, and I do.

My fuckboyness, you know, one of them.

We'll talk about this another day.

I do have a tendency to poof, disappear for a bit.

But I come back.

Back, you know?

But I've also communicated this to you.

I need some time, and I.

That's important.

I'm okay.

I'm okay with that.

Tell me so that I can know and I can, like, okay.

If I'm not hearing from you, at least I understand why you've expressed that this is where we are right now, and that's what's gonna happen.

So my ideal situation would.

He would understand that.

He, they, them, whoever they are, will understand exactly what it means when I say it and don't think I mean things that I'm not saying.

I can appreciate that.

Okay.

So I want.

Right now.

And I know most of us have seen Men in Black, where after you are exposed to something that you're not supposed to be exposed to hold up the thing.

They make your memory go away.

I want there to be an audible version of that so that after I say this, everybody can forget it.

But I just told my brother.

My brother is engaged to be married.

They're actually downstairs right now, him and his fiance.

And.

And I admire their relationship so very much because you can tell that they're best friends, that they really genuinely like one another, that they are in a space of just carefree, no judgment.

I can be completely myself.

Ignorant, stupid, zany, goofy, crazy, whatever that looks like.

However I'm showing up in this moment, I can show up as myself and know that I'm not being judged, know that I'm not being.

Being pinned to the cross.

Know that, like, I can be.

Feel safe and comfortable in this space.

And so for me, I think if I was to.

At any point, when I do find myself in a space of feeling more ready for a relationship, I definitely want my partner to be my best friend.

I wanna feel like we compliment each other, like we understand one another, like we relate to each other.

And I think whatever else kind of goes with that.

However we show up or whatever we wanna do, whatever we don't wanna do, however all of the those things fit in, we'll be able to kind of going back to that word, curate that experience together over time.

But I think for me, the most important thing is just to know that, like, I really like this person and we really get along and we really respect and admire one another.

Because I think that that's so important.

I never have to wonder or worry about, are they secretly judging me for this?

Are they secretly resenting me for this?

Or I wonder what they think about this or that.

Like that space of insecurity, that space of awkward tension that you always feel because you can't be inside a person's head and there's no real guarantee.

I want to feel a sense of guarantee, security.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

But I want to say this.

And I got to say this.

I get so weirded out by that phrase sometimes.

Like, my partner's my best friend.

Like, I think.

And here's.

And here's why.

And here's why.

Only because, like, there needs to be some kind of separation of church and state within your relationship.

Like, you need to have outside friends.

Absolutely, yes.

I want.

I want my partner to be a good friend.

I want them to, like, they should know everything about me before anybody else does.

But understand that there were friends that were here before you.

So you know, and I'm not gonna.

I.

Okay, so I'm that libra that, you know, my friends do have to kind of approve or like the person I'm dating for it to really work.

And I don't like that about myself.

But I do know that I like, like a well curated circle.

I don't want to be in a situation where I know one of my friends doesn't like my partner.

Now I gotta like sit here and play.

Peace.

Peacekeeper.

No, y' all are adults.

Y' all work this out.

And if y' all can't be around each other, then don't be around each other.

But you see him or them, that's mine.

You see you, you're my friend.

But if y' all can't come together as an adult and whatever, then that will push me away from the both of you.

And I'm not picking one or the other.

I'm just not picking either.

We're different.

No, we're different in that way.

Only because for me, at the end of the day, I'm very.

I don't need you to like, I need you to respect and I need you to understand that at the end of the day, like, you don't have to come home with us.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you don't.

Whatever, you're whatever.

You agree.

That's what I mean.

Now don't get me wrong, like, I want you to have a general sense of like.

And then here's the thing too, because for me, in my mind, as a friend, if you know that here's this person that I've been experiencing and this is somebody that's enhancing my happiness and we're having a good time and things are going well, I want for you as my friend to see that and appreciate the value in that and to root for from that for me not be looking for reasons to pick somebody apart and discover ways as to why this shouldn't be good for me or why this person isn't good enough for me, or why this is a bad experience.

Now, if you have specific examples of things that you've experienced, if maybe you're observing behavior, if maybe you know somebody that maybe has experience.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, if you can come to me and say, hey, you weren't here the other day, but this happened and it made me uncomfortable and I thought it really changed my perspective and I, I thought I should bring it to your attention.

But just like, are you sure?

I don't know if this person Is really this for you or they don't really seem like you're type?

Well, as of right now, this is what's going on.

Don't worry about that.

So I think that's always my thing because at the end of the day my perspective is you don't gotta fuck em.

And you know what?

For me, the reason why I think I'm like this is because I necessarily don't have a type.

You never know.

Like I, I mean you can see all the different people.

I mean, majority of the guys that I've dated have been, I won't say twinkish, but twinks, okay, they have been of a smaller, a smaller build.

Majority of the women I've dated have been thicker, right?

But like looks, skin, complexion, body size.

Well, body size, I just said, but like education, you know, everything is different education level without being elitist.

But you do have to have some type of intelligence with you.

Like it's important.

You can't be a dumb, dumb.

But I just, you know, like right now, here's what I want.

And I was walking to the bus stop and I was just saying, you know something?

If this is what the universe is saying and this is giving me this like shift of energy to let go of, finally let go of everything that's been hurting me and keeping me down, invite someone in who's going to add to my, my happiness, who's going to add to my plate.

Because again, again, isn't the idea to have a plate is to eat, you know, I want to eat.

Let me eat you.

Let me see what you taste like, you know?

Oh my God, make me forget about these hoes.

I just like, I don't even want to have to think about these hoes because hoes are distractions.

Give me a reason to change my number, okay?

Because I've had the same phone number since I was 18.

Give me a reason to change my phone number now.

If I've changed, if I ever get in a relationship with someone and I've changed my number, just know that I'm willing to lose my freedom for you, okay?

I'm really not, but you know what I mean?

I will hurt someone for you.

So like, because you're mine and like I'm very territorial that way.

Not possessive, but territorial that way.

But we'll see.

We'll see.

I want to know what the audience heard in that statement.

Did you?

Yeah.

Did you hear possessive?

I think I heard, I think I heard a little maybe fuck somebody up.

That's my Scorpio.

That's my Scorpio Rising talking.

That's.

That's my Rising talking and my Aries Moon speaking.

Like, hey, you right there.

But, you know, speaking of the audience, I would.

We would love to know what you guys think.

Yes, yes, yes.

Always.