Worrying about what other people think can be a significant barrier to personal growth and self-expression. Sara delves into the complexities of this common dilemma, exploring why we often seek validation from others and how these concerns can hold us back from pursuing our true desires. She emphasizes the importance of identifying whose opinions genuinely matter and encourages listeners to focus on supportive relationships that nurture their ambitions. Through personal anecdotes and insights, Sara shares practical strategies for overcoming the fear of judgment and reclaiming one’s confidence. By fostering self-awareness and surrounding ourselves with the right people, we can break free from the limitations imposed by societal expectations and live authentically.

We've all done it or are doing it! It's easy to say "stop worrying" but HOW do you get to be able to do that. Dive on in to this episode and find out

Would love to hear your thoughts on the episode or if you have any questions - Dm me through: 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/startoverwithsara/  

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/startoverandrise

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/startoverwithsara/   

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/saraburton/   

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@startoverwithsara  

Website: https://www.saraburton.co.uk/  

We hear it all the time, don't we?

Don't worry about what other people think.

Stop worrying about other people's opinions.

But how do we actually do that?

Well, let's dive in and find out.

Hey, gorgeous, how are you?

I hope you've had a wonderful week.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Zara.

I am the host of the Startover podcast, which is the podcast when you are ready for change, when you've had enough of staying the same, going back is no longer an option, and you are ready to move forward.

It takes courage to do this.

You have to do things differently.

And there's oodles of content in this podcast that is addressing all of these things.

Now, this particular subject, how to stop worrying about other people, has come up.

I made a video on TikTok.

I'm getting braver and braver, and I have to say I am loving it over there.

So if you're on TikTok, please come and find me.

Just put in at start over with Zara and you will find me.

There's links in the show notes as well.

But I made this little video, and one of the sentences that I said in it was, stop worrying about what other people think.

And one of the comments I got, I got lots of response from it, lots of likes.

And I think something at the moment is like 20 people or something like that have actually saved it.

So it's a little video that has created a little, a little wave, but somebody put on there a comment that was, how do you stop worrying about other people?

And that inspired me because I thought, yeah, this is something that I want to address on the podcast.

So yet again, I've reordered, I've reordered the episodes, and lo and behold, this one is appearing today.

So the thing about this particular subject is, I don't know a single person who has never had a period in their life where they haven't worried about someone's opinion or what people think of them.

So it's a great subject.

And if you're a people pleaser like I am, I class myself as a recovering one.

But.

But it's in me.

I am a people pleaser.

This can be a really painful and destructive thing.

It can hold you back, and the price that you pay for keeping yourself small for fear of worrying about what other people think of you and keeping yourself in a place that pleases other people, it can be really, really damaging.

It can be very limiting, and it can, it can be something that people feel resentful about, and it's just a negative thing.

It's natural for us.

We want to please the people around us.

It's a human trait to want to fit in.

We are community beings because we're safer that way.

When we were back in the caveman days, the community aspect was super, super important because if you were alone, you pretty much were easy prey to all of the predators out there.

There was no protection.

But nowadays it's not quite so dramatic.

But despite society telling us that we need to have lots of people around us, we need to be popular, we need to have lots of friends and followers, and we don't need that for survival.

I think there's a lot to be said for.

We need to feel a part of community.

We need to, you know, for our own mental health.

I think we do still need that connection, but we can find it in different ways.

Now.

I know I do need people, but I've come to know that it's about needing the right people.

It's not the same as it was before.

I guess, in caveman days, you know, we needed sort of strong people around us.

We needed healthy people around us so that, you know, we had.

We had that level of protection.

Today we need something different.

Toxic people, unkind people, gossips, those that are untrustworthy haters.

We don't need that, for example.

And yet that is something that we do worry about.

And I've done a lot of work on this personally, and it's usually something that comes up with clients when they want to make a change.

If you are somebody and you want to be losing weight or you want to raise your level of fitness and so on, I am never, ever surprised because it happens all the time about the number of people that have an opinion on that.

They might tell you that, you know, you know what?

You want to stop.

You're looking a bit gaunt now.

You're losing too much too quickly.

There's lots of opinions around, even on something like that.

If you want to improve yourself in some way or do something different, there are a number of people that see that as a threat to them.

Maybe they're fearful that if you change in a significant way, it's going to change your relationship with them.

And so people have this sort of invested interest in what you're particularly doing, and we can then go into a place of, oh, my gosh.

So if I change, if I do become slimmer, for example, they might abandon me, they might shun me, they might not invite me to parties anymore.

All those kind of things.

So it is a natural thing for us to want to fit in.

We don't want to be ousted.

We don't want to be abandoned.

We don't want to be dumped.

But there comes a point when we have to realize what is important for us.

What are the things that we need to do?

How long are we prepared to compromise who we are and what we're doing and what we want to be doing for people that really, it doesn't matter.

So when we decide who in our lives are important, whose opinions are really relevant to us, you know, if you've got those people around you who, you know, they do love you and they want the best for you, they care for you, they want to support and champion you.

And I'm going to take a guess here, the same way that you do for other people, then those are your people.

They're the ones that you need to be thinking about.

So when we start to think about what is important in our lives, in each area of our lives, we can start to build those communities that are supportive in those particular areas.

Know what your non negotiables are with these people?

Do you trust them?

Do you love them?

Do you understand who they are?

Or do they have this some kind of power over you for other reasons?

Do they care about your well being?

Do they actually want to see you succeed?

I take into account my children's feelings, for example, over this podcast.

That's important to me.

It doesn't mean I have to completely compromise myself by not doing a podcast.

It just means I take those things into account.

But they also understand why I'm doing it, what I want to be achieving.

And they are fully, fully on board with that.

And at the same time, I feel that I'm teaching them something as well.

I very much feel that as a parent, I want to lead by example.

And it doesn't mean they've got to follow in my footsteps.

It means if I follow my passions, my desires, my need for fulfillment, you know, and everything that comes with that, a need for, you know, I want to be able to provide for them abundantly, not just so that we can survive, but so that, you know, we and they can thrive.

It's important to me, and that's what I mean by that.

So, yes, those are the opinions that we need to be worrying about.

Do we need to be worrying about ex work colleagues and what they might think?

Do I need to be, you know, holding myself back because of people who may have been in my life, 10, 20, 30, even 40 years ago?

No.

And how about you?

Do you need to be worrying about those people?

And when you start to put this into perspective, it really does begin to manifest itself for what it really is.

When we get to a place where we're worrying about what other people think about us to an extent that it's actually holding us back, then we really need to look at this.

Is it really about them or is it about what's inside of us?

Is it about those opinions that you don't believe?

Or is it actually about the opinions that are voiced that maybe we believe ourselves?

Those are the things that hurt us the most.

Because if somebody says something about you that you just do not feel is true, then it doesn't hurt us.

But when it cuts us to the core, when someone says something to us and it really hurts, that's about us inside.

If they say something like, who are you to do that?

If you come back and say, actually, I'm the perfect person to do this because of X, Y and Z, it's not going to hurt you.

If they say that.

And internally you heard a voice, it may be yours, it may be a voice of your past, it may be a person of that you once looked up to that, you know, made a comment about you that you have carried with you for years and it still hurts.

And you feel yourself saying, yeah, who am I actually?

I'm just me.

And, you know, if you start to feel that negative, negative self talk, then clearly it's going to have an effect on you.

So this is where we need to be.

We need to be really sure about what it is that we want to do and whose opinions are actually important to us.

Should we be listening to people who have never done what you're trying to do?

You can have one sentence that you put out there about what you're trying to do.

And someone may say, laugh at you.

They might scoff at you.

They fall into that place where they discourage you.

They might ridicule you or belittle it.

And another person could be so encouraging to you.

They might say, absolutely, go for it.

If that's what you want to do, you go for it.

And they're supportive and encouraging and they may even help you out.

They say, I'll look after your children while you build this business, for example.

Right.

They're two different things.

Which one.

Which one is actually going to help us move forward?

It's not really a difficult choice, is it?

So it's important to really look at why do those things hurt us?

And what is it that we need to change to dispel that power, to really diminish that power?

So let's just think about some of the common things that come up that we hear.

You'll never manage that.

Who are you to do that?

It's not going to work.

What a ridiculous idea.

If it was that good an idea, surely somebody would have done it already.

It's already been tried.

All of these kind of comments, right?

When we start to hear those, let's really address them.

Is it about them or is it about you?

And I've looked, you know, when I've done the work on this, I have ask myself, whose voice is it that I hear?

Is it my own?

Invariably it isn't.

When it is something like that, it becomes your own voice.

But it's like, who is it that is saying those things?

I was bullied at school, like most people, right?

Most people have a they were bullied at school story.

And it's incredible how the boys that bullied me at the time, probably they never gave it a second thought.

They did it for quite a considerable amount of time in my world, but to them it was nothing.

They probably wouldn't even know who I was.

I would know them.

You know, it's kind of.

I was.

That they were ingrained in my brain.

They, as far as I was concerned, they made my life hell at school.

And so what happened was, when I think about once that was in there, it was clearly something I believed about myself.

And as I went through life, I just slowly gathered more evidence to actually back up the rubbish, harmful, hurtful things that they were saying.

And it got to a point where, as an adult, being able to look back at that, when I actually broke it all down, I was like, why do I care about that?

I don't care about that now.

Why would I let those comments hold me back?

I'm keeping it generic because what is this for you?

Do you have things, have you, like, looked into?

Why do you worry about what people think?

What is it?

Does something come to mind for you right now?

Who do you want to avoid?

What comments?

Can you not bear to be said to you and look behind the scenes?

It's invariably this.

This is something that has definitely made me feel better about this.

When I think about the things I've held myself back over because of worrying about what other people thought of me or, you know, hurtful comments that they'd said that had put me down, I've come to realize that actually, you don't need to tear someone else down to make yourself feel better.

People who do that, because it does, for whatever reason, make them feel better.

They're not people that I want to associate myself with.

Those are not people that I want to spend time with, and they certainly are not people that I want to have an influence over me.

So there are reasons that people do laugh and do scoff and do put things people down and not worry about the effect it may have on you.

There are lots of people out there who don't have particularly ambitious dreams.

Now, there's nothing wrong with that.

But if you are that person, if you do have ambitions, if you do have things that you want to achieve or really scratch that need for fulfilment in a particular area, but you're surrounded by people who don't think that way, it's gonna destroy you.

It's gonna bring you down.

It could even make you ill.

If someone else has low self esteem and, you know, your failure raises them, it makes them feel more comfortable.

For example, people who are happy to keep themselves small like to be with other people who want to keep themselves small.

It makes them feel part of something else.

There's nothing wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with them.

It's just not a good mixture.

Sometimes people can be afraid of the change.

Maybe they feel it's a reflection upon themselves.

Maybe there's something inside of them that they hear what you want to do.

Maybe they secretly want to do something like that as well.

But they just don't have it in them to go for it for whatever reason.

And really, that's not your problem.

That's their problem, and that's where it needs to stay as their problem.

Jealousy, envy, it's a very dangerous and destructive thing.

And certainly I've found that anybody that I've come across in all of my past, if they have those personality traits, they will do anything to destroy or hold you back because it will make them feel better.

And that is just so, so wrong.

So when we start to think about the reasons behind why these things hurt us and we pair that with why does somebody feel entitled to share their opinions on what you're doing?

When we look behind those things as well, it starts to really just seem like a ridiculous thing to be worrying about.

So I'm not, when I say a ridiculous thing to worry about, if you're in that place, it's horrible.

I've been there.

I get, you know, I'm not.

I'm not infallible by means, you know, I do still have things that hurt me.

But I'm now in a place where I have such self awareness that if something is hurting me, I want to know why.

I want to know what's behind it.

Because I don't want to live a life where I feel that kind of pain.

I don't need to be living my life in that way.

And I'm certainly very supportive of, you know, helping others who don't want to do that as well.

I've got quite a few divorce friends in my life now, and that tends to happen right.

When you go through an experience, you start to attract other people who are going through the same experiences.

Right.

None of my divorce friends would ever say to me, oh, my gosh, why did you even think about getting divorced?

You should have stayed.

You should have made it work.

And the people that said things like that to me, that's fine.

That's fine for them, but it wasn't right for me.

So it didn't make sense for me to continue to carry on with those particular people.

Now, I'm not saying I don't have any married friends.

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

But it's just that wasn't.

That wasn't conducive to me.

We weren't going to see eye to eye on it, so we had to go our separate ways.

I remember when I gave up smoking.

I had a period in my life when I didn't drink alcohol.

I've recently given up dairy.

There's always somebody who steps forward to tell me that I'm wrong, and it's usually somebody who isn't doing those same things.

And again, that's fine for them.

I'm not preaching.

When I gave up smoking, I didn't tell everyone around me, you must give up smoking.

I wasn't that person.

I was just worried about my health and I wanted to have a baby.

So I had a mission that it was time for me to give up smoking.

It wasn't doing me any good, and it wasn't something that I saw myself doing in the future.

That's my stuff.

But it can antagonize people.

So here's the crux of it, taking all of that into account.

We cannot control what other people think about what we're doing.

We cannot control whether they like the look of us, whether they like the sound of us.

We can't control those things.

But what we can take responsibility for and we can take control over is how we react to it.

And if we are in a place where we have such clarity about who we are.

What is our identity?

What is important to us?

What do we value most in life?

Where are we going?

How happy are we in the here and now?

When we've got clarity over that, it just washes off, because it doesn't matter.

Now, I mentioned earlier, TikTok, and I'm becoming more and more visible, and I really don't care what people think.

I care about me practicing it, me putting myself out there more and more.

I care about my agenda.

I care about my mission.

I know what's important, and I know exactly where I'm going.

I'm careful who I share my plans with now, and I let scoffing comments be exactly that.

I cannot believe how many people have negative opinions about social media.

We can't avoid it.

But social media is just a tool.

It's down to us.

It's down to us to decide how we're going to use it.

And, you know, when you sort of say, yeah, I've started making TikTok videos, and people are like, oh, my God, just how far are you prepared to humiliate yourself to grow your business?

That is such an opinion that I just don't buy into.

I don't buy into that.

I have found the TikTok audience.

I'm like, I'm doing my thing, and I'm attracting people, and there are those that aren't gonna like what I'm doing, and there are those that will, but I'm in control of how I react to that.

I don't want that energy around me that is, you know, just gonna hold me back, because I've done that for long enough.

I'm 53 years old now.

I've done plenty of holding back.

It's not a negative thing.

I'm not doing anything to harm people.

I'm trying to do some good things, and it makes me feel good.

And when I feel good and I'm happy, I can live my life in a better way.

I can feel lighter.

I am healthier.

My mental health is so much better.

It's just all good.

So, yeah, where do you want your energy to be?

I know that I respond very much to positive energy, to supportive energy and so on, and I give that off myself.

So I have a choice, and you have a choice.

We can identify those areas where it makes us feel icky.

We feel uncomfortable because of their opinions.

We have a choice.

We can remove ourselves.

We don't need to explain.

There doesn't need to be any drama.

We can just go.

And there are, you know, there are certain people now that I just don't share my dreams, I don't share my ambition, because I just feel I'd rather do it in a space, in an energy where it's supportive and encouraging.

So, how can I help you move forward with this?

I work on this on a daily basis.

There are some times when, you know, you get a comment and you think, oh, damn, that's not, you know, that doesn't feel good.

And then I literally just go into that space where I'm like, okay, remind myself, why am I doing this?

You know what's important to me about showing up on the podcast on TikTok, you know, showing up on Instagram and so on.

So there are people who are cringing at what I'm doing, but I really don't care because I want to build a following.

I have.

I'm on a mission to make start overs a positive thing so that people can break their patterns and be okay with making change, because it's not easy.

And.

But for me, it's, like, essential.

How can we.

For those of us that want to.

If you're listening to the podcast, you're that person, right?

You are somebody who wants to make a change or is making changes.

You're ambitious.

You've got things that, you know, excite you, that you want to do, and we've just got to get over those fears.

We've got to get over those things that.

That hold us back.

And I'm really enjoying who I am now and the person that I am moving towards as well.

So it's like this.

This evolving identity, and it involves me getting uncomfortable on that journey.

There have been some personal challenges involved.

And I would say this to you, that if you're not used to stepping out and doing something confidently, then it's gonna feel weird.

It's gonna feel weird.

But the more you do it, the more you normalize it.

And then it's just.

That's it.

It just becomes.

It becomes normal.

So, in our heads, we might see that if we go for something, if we feel we're doing something for ourselves, we may question ourselves and we may judge ourselves and say, well, I'm just being selfish, or, oh, gosh, this does feel a little bit arrogant.

It's not.

It just feels uncomfortable.

Confidence is something that is enabling you to do the things you want to do.

It's not something that is a threat to other people.

So if people don't like what I'm doing, they don't have to.

There are millions of channels and all sorts of things.

They do not have to listen to my podcast.

They do not need to look at any of my videos.

They can just move on.

That's their choice.

So here's the thing.

It tends to be the small minded people, the jealous people, those who are the ones who, the ones that put out the negative comments, the ones who are the trolls.

And when I mean negative comments, I don't mean feedback that you know is going to help you, right?

You can get feedback where you can take it on board and you can adjust and you can change and you can improve.

That's not what we're talking about here.

What we're talking about are, you know, trolls.

And I don't just mean online trolls in your life that are there.

They want to pull you down because it makes them feel better.

So I'm focusing on those that do like what I do, that are supportive of what I'm doing, and I encourage you to do the same.

And that makes me a happier person.

I have one life.

I want to be happy.

I want to follow my own path.

I've now got to a stage where I don't feel I'm in competition with anyone.

And it is so liberating.

It is so freeing.

It really is.

Because then you can just get on with your thing and you can do it at your own pace and you can do it in a way that is way more fun.

People come and go in our lives, and the quicker we can drop the toxic, the quicker we can move on, the quicker we are making the space for more of what you need to come in.

And it really is as simple as that.

So let's have a recap.

What's the reality of what is going on for you?

Whose opinions are you worrying about?

Do they really matter?

Who are you most worried about?

Is this real?

Or is this something that is within you, an internal sort of personification of one of your own fears?

And it's funny because when you start to look into it, you might find that one of your biggest fears has actually led you down a great path.

Now, I hated how I looked.

I remember when I was 14, you know, I'd been bullied about how I looked.

And I used to have thick glasses and I had a long, thin face and I was skinny and all sorts of things.

And I really, yeah, I hated when I look back, I think, oh, my gosh, I go back and hug that teenager on a regular basis because, bless her, she really, really didn't like herself very much at all.

And she took on board all of these opinions and things.

So I really didn't like how I looked.

And the irony is, as my life began to progress and, you know, and I pick up some friends and I managed to sort of like, you know, get myself together a little bit, I still couldn't go in front of a camera.

And for those of you who know, I ended up thirties and early forties.

I was a pro photographer because of that fear of being in front of the camera.

I got really good at being behind the camera.

It was a hobby of mine for many years, and then it, it turned into a business.

So in a way, had I not been bullied, I might not have done that.

I don't know, I might have done anyway.

But, but it's interesting, isn't it?

When you start to break it down, you can actually see how these really do.

These things really do shape us.

And are they shaping us in a way that we want or are they shaping us in a way that we don't?

And that's only a question that you can answer for yourself, but it's definitely worth looking at, isn't it?

So the more sure that you become about what it is that you want to do, who you want to be, what do you want to be, do and have in your life, where are you going?

What are the visions?

Having a clear vision, knowing all of these things, makes it so much easier for you to step in the right direction.

It makes it easier for you to dismiss the opinions of others.

If it's not helping you move forward, you just leave them behind.

And when you begin to feel that internal power, when you know that you can achieve what it is that you're thinking about, when you know you want to do it and you're surrounded by those people that are encouraging, then there really is no stopping you.

There really isn't.

You can actually become unstoppable.

So I listen to those who can contribute, who have been there, who have done what I want to do, I'm reading the books, I'm soaking up the podcast.

I'm very blessed that on my journey in the online world, I've had some amazing people.

On my other podcast, I had some amazing people come on that podcast, give me such advice and encouragement, and I've never met.

Here's the thing that's just backing up everything I've been saying earlier about those that do feel that they can put out the negative comments.

I have never met a self made, successful person who hasn't been encouraging.

When I've engaged in a conversation with them about things that, that I admire about them or that I would like to be doing myself.

Not one.

Not a single one.

Now, doesn't that tell you something?

So find your people.

Find the people that are doing the things that you want to do.

If you want to become a bodybuilder, go on social media or find books or podcasts.

Find the people that have achieved what you want to achieve.

Listen to them, hear their advice.

Not the person in your life who's saying to you, what are you even thinking?

Why are you having these ridiculous notions?

Because that's not going to help you.

So there you go.

That's my take on how not to worry about what other people think.

And if you're in that place right now, here are some questions for you, and you may want to jot these down and, you know, do a bit of self coaching here.

Answer these questions.

What are the opinions you are most fearful of?

Who are the people you feel you need to please?

And who are the people who are most important to you?

Do they match?

Is there a conversation that needs to be had there?

How is this affecting you?

What is it stopping you?

Do.

Who is it making you be?

That is such an important one.

Who is it making you be?

Because if it is making you be someone that you actually are totally out of alignment with, that feels alien to you, that is not going to do you any good.

What is the advantage of you being held back for you and for others who are important to you, around you?

How long are you prepared to let this affect you?

For the rest of your life or for no longer?

That is up to you.

So I encourage you, take, you know, there might be other questions that come up for you.

I hope this starts to open up something for you that, you know, you can work to your advantage, that you can begin to really dive into this.

And of course, if you want any sort of help and support, and if you're at a place where you're ready to get some coaching around this, then obviously you know where I am.

This is what I do.

So it just needs for me to wrap up and say, you know where I am on social media.

All the links are in the show notes, or you can just search start over with Sarah on any of the social media channels and you will find me.

It's pretty easy.

And this was inspired by a question.

If you've got any questions, if you've got a topic you would like me to cover, then don't be shy.

Tell me.

So.

I hope you have a good week.

Thanks so much for listening.

It means so much to me.

Do give it a go.

Do give it some time to have a little think.

Because it could be one of those things that changes your life.

And remember, it's never too late to make a change.

And it's never too early to start over.

You take care.

See you soon.

Bye.