TRANSCRIPT: Good morning, Five Minute Families. Thank you for joining us this morning. At Clear View Retreat, we reach out to families in both the ‘norms’ and ‘storms’ of life. Much of what we discuss here comes from what we are living out at the moment, so we are going to continue to discuss how families can honor the Lord and support each other through the process of grief.
After someone dies, many folks stay away because they just don’t know what to say. Part of that issue stems the fact that when we greet people, our normative opening is to ask “How are you?” On any regular day, most of us will answer briefly and superficially. We’ll say, “I’m fine” even if we are far from it. When you know someone’s family member has died, it can seem frustrating to you if you ask that question out of habit. We all do it.
If the person seems to be struggling to answer you, you can let them know it is acceptable to say, “I’m not ok but I am pushing on” or something like that, would be perfectly fine. Around here, my mom has begun saying, “I am not ok right now.” Sometimes, she adds, “But, I know I will be.” I can kinda gauge her mood by whether she adds that second part. However, there have been moments that her tears caught me by surprise. Well, not fully surprise, but surprise in the moment. You get what I mean. And, often, I have no words of comfort for her. There is nothing I can do to speak her beloved husband back into her arms. I am reminded of Psalm 37:7, “Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for him.” God is the Great Comforter, not us.
Think about it like this for a moment:
When a baby cries, we feed, burp, and change them. If that doesn’t work, we rock and pat them. Sometimes, they fall asleep. Sometimes, we just need to keep holding them, letting them know we are there.
When an adult cries, we go into ‘fix-it’ mode for them, too. We tell them it’s going to be ok, even if we know it won’t be. But, do we keep holding them? Sometimes it is awkward to say nothing and just let the person cry. But, listen closely, Five Minute Family members out there who are like me:
- Be quiet.
- Shut it.
- Zip it.
- Shush.
- Button it.
You would not talk loudly while your baby cries or after your baby finally stopped crying. You would embrace the quiet and let your little one work out the very emotions and thoughts that they don’t quite yet know how to communicate in any way other than with a cry.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 reminds us that there “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”
Let the widow wail. Let the parent weep. Let the widower cry. Let the sibling sob. Let the air be filled with your silence and your arms. Let them work out the very emotions and thoughts that they don’t quite yet know how to communicate in any way other than with a cry.
While not specifically addressing the grief process, what neuroscientist Dr. Fiona Kerr said about silence is applicable, especially in a house filled with well-meaning family and friends. She states, “The constant amount of distraction you’re exposed to nowadays creates short-term patterns of thinking that mean you don’t focus on issues you need to address. Silence expands the mind and the thoughts… It can change everything.”
Micaela Shore put it this way, “Studies show that for anyone (highly sensitive or not), experiencing silence relieves stress, lowering blood pressure and blood circulation in the brain more so than listening to relaxing music. Silence allows our prefrontal cortexes — our brains’ “attention centers” — to relax and restore.”
None of this is to say we should always be silent, or provide silence, for our grieving loved one. Again, Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time to speak. There is a time to laugh and bring joy back into the room, but we can talk more specifically about what to say or not say another time.
God tells is in Psalm 46:10 to ‘Be still and know that I am Lord.’ As Christians we are to point others to Christ, sometimes that comes through simply being still and silent.
Thank you for being with us in grief and journeying together in this life. Connect with us at Clearviewretreat.org and let us know how we can pray, encourage, and help point you and your family to Christ. Seek Him in the silence.
