In today’s episode, we are joined by Max Rivers, marriage mediator and author of Loving Conflict. Max’s practice focuses on nonviolent communication and helping couples hear what the other truly desires. Max talks about his teamwork method and getting to the root of couples' fights. We talk quite a bit about judgments and differences that couples run into and how to tackle those in a way that respects both sides. Max says that judgment is a tragic expression of your own unmet needs. Tune in today to hear tips on how to identify your needs, how to communicate what your heart needs, how to listen to your partner, and how to accept that difference.

In this episode: 

[1:02] Introduction to Max Rivers - Why did he start doing marital mediation? [5:40] How is marriage mediation different from therapy and divorce mediation? [8:25] The “Teamwork Method”. [13:55] How Max works with people who communicate through name-calling and blaming? [16:45] How does Max handle when people start throwing out money, support, or revenge? [21:25] What are the roles of mother and father, and how can you co-create your life around children?

Key Takeaways: 

Max’s process is: how to identify your needs, how to communicate what your heart needs, how do you listen to your partner's needs without judging, and in fact, accepting and loving that difference, mediation. Relationships are a “Both-And, not an Either-Or.” A relationship is about the difference. The difference is not going away; the difference is what you need and what you are looking for when getting into a relationship. Judgments are really just a person's way of expressing a need of theirs that is not getting met. Instead of nitpicking around little fights, look at the root cause of where the judgment is coming from and work from there.

Quotes: 

“My process is about teaching couples to identify what it is they need but are not getting, how to communicate that in a way that sounds like they are inviting their partner to the beauty of their desires, and listening to their partner's needs with excited curiosity so that both sets of needs are on the table, and then comes the mediation.”

“My job is to point out their differences and mediate how they can accept, not just tolerate, but benefit from this difference.”

Guest Bio: 

Max Rivers pioneered the idea of using mediation to SAVE marriages instead of ending them in a process he called "marriage mediation." He then developed a six-session process to help couples learn how to use an embodied form of NVC, Nonviolent Communication, to navigate their own difficult conversations. He is available at his office in Philadelphia or worldwide over video conferencing. He is the author of a book about his work with couples entitled, “Loving Conflict” available at Amazon.com.

Resources: 

Max Rivers Website

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Loving Conflict Book

Lesa Koski Website