On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I talk about how the internet has trained ​so many people to believe that every thought ​they have deserves a comment, ​their ​opinion, or a post​...

And why that ​shit doesn’t ​really fly in real life.

I ​t​ell a ​couple of stories about unsolicited opinions (​given both online and in person)​ and the emotional impact they can have​ on the receivers.

I​ also share how ​you can start using ​your voice more thoughtfully​ by revisiting the “three gates” of communication​!

These questions are simple, yet powerful:

Is it true​?

Is it kind​?

Is it necessary​?​

And when put to good use, these suckers can save us all a lot of unnecessary suffering.

So, here's my invitation to you ​(and reminder to myself) to pause before you speak, type, ​send, or hit publish​!

​Together, let's explore turning off the “comment section” in certain conversations, standing up against cruelty, and choosing to use our words as a force for good, ​both on and off the internet.​ ❤️

KAREN KENNEY BIO:

Karen Kenney is a writer, speaker, podcaster, certified spiritual mentor, and coach.

She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-bullshit approach to spirituality, self​-development, and transformational change work.

Karen helps people to navigate this whole “being human” experience using a variety of practical tools, personal stories, and universal principles.

She's been a yoga teacher for 25+ years, has been a Thai Yoga Massage practitioner since 2008.

She's also a Gateless Writing Instructor, the creator of WRITE CLUB , and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.

She coaches clients individually in her 1-to-1 program: THE QUEST and in her HEART-TO-HEART DAYS using Voxer. She also leads a group program and community called THE NEST.

CONNECT WITH KAREN:

Website: http://karenkenney.com/

Podcast: https://www.karenkenney.com/podcast

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/karenkenneylive/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karenkenneylive/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@KarenKenney

It's the Karen Kenney Show. Hey, you guys!

Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm just gonna dive right

into this sucker. And one of the caveats, one of the things I

want to say up front is this: I'm fully aware that there are

people who are going to give you their unsolicited opinion. Oh my

God! I may I may be guilty of this myself sometimes, but I

really try not to. I do try not to, but I know sometimes I still

do it. But I just want to say caveat up front that I am aware

that even before the internet, there were people who would just

blurt things out, say things, and off of their opinion when

you did not fucking ask for it. That's the little caveat to keep

in mind for the rest of this episode. But one of the things I

do want to focus on, and this is going to be a short suck. I just

got to get this off my chest, is that I think one of the worst

things that the internet did was kind of embolden everyone into

thinking that their opinion matters, that they gotta have an

opinion about everything, they gotta have a hot take on

everything. Not only do they gotta have an opinion, that they

gotta share it with you, and so kind of the heartbeat of this

episode is just a little PSA, a little reminder to me. I always

say for my ears first, and for everybody else at the that that

your life that like life is not the internet, meaning that the

things that people do online do not always carry over well or in

a helpful way to real life. The internet is not real life. Okay,

so what happens person to person, face to face, should not

be the same shit that you tend to get away with. A lot of you,

not pointing at you, my beautiful listeners. I'm just

saying the people be peopling online. Okay, but here's the

I love that people are realizing that they have a

voice, and when you realize that you have a voice, it's a very

powerful thing because you can use it to stand up for yourself,

to put healthy boundaries in place to be a voice for the

voiceless, for the powerless, right? Like as a vegan, like

that's one of my things is I get to be a voice for the voiceless.

I get to speak up for the animals. You get to advocate for

children, or maybe the elderly, or people who don't have the

ability to ask others to stop harming them, or hurting them,

or stealing from them, or abusing them, or whatever the

awful thing is, right? I love that we're realizing that we

have a voice and that we can use it. That is one thing the

internet, I think, has given people the the gift of is

realizing that maybe they do have thoughts about things and

feelings about things, and they have a voice. But the way that

we use that voice really matters, and what I realized is

that, and I'm going to tell you an actual like a story. Of

course, it's always a story with me, but one of the things that I

that I feel like is that because so many people who now because

of like comment sections, right? So think about it on Facebook or

Instagram or YouTube videos or whatever. It's always that

comment section. So people just feel like, oh well, the comment

thing is here. So I can just say whatever I think. I'm safe at

home or in my mom's basement or at my job or like the internet

cafe, or at Starbucks, or wherever you are, on my little

phone, on my computer, on my tablet. I don't know these

people, and some people literally, this is what they do

for a living. They just write mean shit to agitate, right? To

be cruel. So people feel like that they can say anything. They

can say anything mean. They can say anything low. They can say

anything stupid or cruel or vapid or hateful or vile or

threatening or racist or you know on and on and on. And so

not everybody is using the comment section in a kind way,

and the other day, right?

Okay, so like I said, I think there are some people on the

planet who are just going to offer up and say whatever they

want to say, regardless. Okay, it's not the quote unquote

internet's fault, but I do think that the internet and you know

hit like, hit this, hit that, blah blah blah. No no no. More

than that. Tell us what you think. Use your voice. Let's get

engagement. It's all designed. First of all, we all know this

by now, don't we? We all know what this is really about. That

everybody thinks, oh, we're using these free services, and

we're so lucky. It's like, no, you are the product. Your time.

Attention is the product, and they're selling you. They're

selling you, right? They're trying to keep you on their

platform. That's why there are comment sections. That's why

there are likes and shares and make this and do that because

they're trying to keep you on the platform that can sell more

ad dollars. That's all it is. It's like we're little mice on

the wheel, and we're keeping the fucking electricity on these

places. You know we are we are part of the problem. P.S. But

and we're back, so I'm going to tell you a little a little a

little story. So I was at a place the other day, and my

friend owns this business, and there are people frequenting

this business, and there was people who were like walking

around and looking at the stuff on the walls, and it was lovely.

And the artists were like talking about their work, and it

was beautiful, right? And I find it so fascinating. So I was

standing with my friend when all of a sudden this person came

over, and I could tell just by the way they took a breath.

First of all, I can like I'm pretty good at reading people. I

think not just me; a lot of us are. And just the way, first of

all, their physical body language. I was like, oh, here

it comes! Like I literally just heard, felt it in my body. Here

it comes! The way they sauntered over, the way they paused, the

way they look, the way they took in that first breath, and then

they said, "Can I just make a? Can I just make a comment? Can I

just make a comment? And I felt my body immediately contract a

little bit, and I literally felt for my friend. Excuse me,

because it's not my business. I just felt for my friend, and in

that moment, we both paused before we said anything. Right.

So I'm just a bystander. Like I'm listening to what what's

about to happen, and I heard my friend like like just literally

take this beat, this pause, and they're like, "Ah, yeah, sure.

Because whenever somebody prefaces that, it's almost never

going to be something positive. It's either going to be

something subjective, it's going to be their personal opinion, or

it's going to be like a preference that they have-it's

not going to be. Oh my God, excuse me, your space is so

beautiful, or I love this, or I love that. It's almost always

going to be like, can I just make a suggestion? And they went

on to say something that, in fairness, was-I mean, it was a

preference, right? It was a preference that they were

offering up, but I understood what they were saying, and I

thought, okay, that's-that's not too bad, right? You know what I

mean? I was like, okay, that wasn't mean or cruel or

whatever, but I could just tell, like, oh yeah, here they come.

They're gonna come and they're gonna drop their opinion in our

laps. Now a lot of us Gen X kids, you know, we were raised

by people who said things like, "Look, if you got nothing nice

to say, don't say anything at all, you know. And I and I and I

get it. I do think though there are times we have to speak up.

There are times we have to use our voice and again defend

somebody else or draw a line in the sand and say no, not on my

watch, and speak up for other people or people who are in

danger and use your white privilege to help other people.

You know what I mean?

There are times when we need to use our voice, but so much of

what people think they feel like they need to tell you, and I see

this sometimes too. With, and I am not. I want to be wicked

clear with what I'm about to say because I don't want anybody to

feel attacked or like I'm judging them or whatever. But

one of the things that I have seen sometimes in older

populations or older populations of people who like have lived

alone for a really long time. One of the things about living

with other humans, right? Because even with animals, you

can kind of get away with like your own opinions all the time.

But one of the things about living with other humans is you

say things on a daily basis, and the other person gets to push

back. The other person gets to say, "Hey, say more about that

because I don't understand where you're coming from. Or, "Hey, I

disagree with you. Or, "Hey, what's that attitude about? Or,

"Hey, that thinking's getting a little squirrely. Like, what's

that about? Or whatever, right? Other people are like little

bumper rails for us, and they're little like they they throw down

like a like a yellow flag on the field, and they say, "Ah, we're

getting into dangerous territory here. Hey, you might want to

rethink that. Or, "Hey, did you check your source on that? You

know what I mean. So, when people live alone or spend a lot

of time alone, a lot of time their own thinking, and

sometimes it's stinking thinking, sometimes. It's not

great thinking, right? It doesn't get challenged. It

doesn't get the the shop edges don't get worn off by being in

relationship with other people. So I don't know sometimes if

people just finally get around other people and they want to

share what's on their heart or on their mind or whatever. I'm

like, that's great. That's what therapy is for. That's what

friendships are for and stuff like that. But sometimes people

just think that they can blurt shit out and that there are no

consequences. We see it all the time on the internet. They just

think there's a comment section. I didn't like that video. I

don't like the way that woman's body looks. I don't like the way

that person is talking. I don't like that your and and they just

will say say the most horrendous, hurtful, un. mean on

purpose-shit. You know what I mean. And so, while I was also

at my friend's business, I heard another story from somebody

saying that there had been an event, and the event was

beautiful, and a bunch of people had come, right? And so, we were

talking with another person, and we we were hearing this story,

and that because we were we were saying how somebody had just

come up and said, "Can I make a comment? And it's you know

another story came out of that, and so this person was saying

they were an event, and this person the the event went went

fantastic. Everybody loved it. It was it was great. There was

incredible feedback. But this one person had to come over, and

they basically are like, you know, the event was fantastic,

but you know what you should have done instead with the

space? You should have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Like if you if you're seeing me right now, I'm scrunching up my

face and I'm using both hands to scratch the top of my head. Like

oh, like I just want to pull my hair out. So it's like there's

something that one of my meditation teachers, Eknatha

Shwaran. What a shwaran taught was it was from an old. I don't

remember. I can't remember. Is it a Sufi saying? But there's an

old wise saying that says something like, "Your words

should pass. Your words should pass through three gates. The

first one is it true? And then the second gate is, is it kind?

And then the third gate is, is it necessary? Now most comments

would get stopped at "Is this true? Because these days, also

another thing that's happened with the the age of the internet

and everybody doing quote unquote work on themselves is

one of those phrases that became very popular when somebody would

say something totally assholery.

They would say, "Well, I'm just sharing my truth. I'm just

sharing my truth. I'm like more. You're just saying I'm sharing

my my opinion, but people love to share their truth, don't

they? But if you were really honest with yourself, you would

realize that what I'm about to say isn't necessarily true. It's

just what I think. It's what I feel. It's what I believe.

Right? It's like that's my truth. It's like no. So a lot of

us would just get stopped at that first gate. Is this true?

Is it true that the space, the event space, should have done

this instead? They should have put down a carpet. They should

have used different colored glasses. Whatever it was, right?

Is it is that true, or is that just a personal preference?

Number one, subjective. The second one is it kind? And it's

like if what you're about to say isn't going to be kind, do you

know what I mean? Like, why are you saying it? Like, it's like

when people will say, "Oh, did you get your hair cut? Or random

people would be like, "Oh, I liked it better when your hair

was long or short, or "I liked it better when you had more of

this and less of that, really? Because I don't fucking recall

asking you. Okay, I got more on that. I'm gonna circle back to

that one in a minute. Number three, is it necessary? I think

the world is inundated right now. I think the internet is

inundated right now with everybody, and this right here,

I get it. I get the irony of this that I am basically giving

my opinion on my podcast. Right, people don't have to listen to

this, though. You know what I mean? People can just say, "I

don't like her, and turn it off, and that's fine. You can eject

yourself from the seat anytime you want to, but it's like they

just think that, like, I'm like most of what we talk about, most

of what people put in the comments, it's just not

necessary. It's not necessary. Like why I'm shaking, like why,

right? But sometimes we just love the the quote unquote sound

of our own voice in our head as we're typing or whatever. So we

got to do. Better people. We got to do better, and it's like

people love to say mean things online. And back in the day,

back in the day, like in I think it was Mike Tyson who basically

said something. You know, people have gotten too comfortable with

you know saying things or posting things online and not

getting punched in the face for it. You know, and I'm not an

advocate of violence, but I will tell you this: growing up where

I grew up in Lawrence, Mass, your mouth, right? Like, if you

thought you were just gonna say to somebody exactly what you

wanted to say and think that there was not gonna be a

consequence for the shit that was coming out of your mouth.

You were mistaken. You were mistaken, and this is something

that I just want to remind people. Right, in-person life,

human to human relationships, face to face, like life, right,

is not the fucking internet. We have to slow down. We should

pause. We should think about the thing that we're about to say.

You should run it through the three gates. Is this true? Most

of us would get stopped right there. If you don't get stopped

there, is it kind, man? Give yourself a little mr. Rogers

check. Give yourself a little mr. Bob Ross check. Give

yourself a little Jesus check or something, right? Like check in.

Like, is this thing I'm about to say is it kind and loving? Is it

compassionate? Because I do understand that sometimes we

have to say something difficult, but it's the energy in which we

say it. It's the intention with which we say it, we can say had

things, truthy truth things, but we do it with love. We do it

with without the intention to be cruel or to be unkind. And then

we can ask ourselves: Is this necessary? Is this thing I'm

about to say or type?

I can't tell you how many times I've seen something online, and

I go to stat to give my opinion, and I just stop myself because I

go like, "Yeah, is this something that I would say to

that person's face? Is this something that passes through

the three gates? And I just stop. I'm like, "What's the

point? Why are you saying this? And why are you doing this?

Okay, so here's a little something that I thought was

funny. My sweetie said this the other day, and I chuckled

outline. And we were saying how sometimes, and I think back in

my life, I think back in my life when I've shared something

tender with somebody, or I've shared something vulnerable with

somebody, or one of the big ones that often comes to mind is when

I was trying to start to claim the fact that I was a writer,

and I've told this story before. You know where my one of my

writing teachers, Barbara Abercrombie, Abercrombie. She's

not with. It's hard for me to say that name. She's not with us

anymore, but she taught at UCLA Extension, and I I took memoir

class with her and took a few classes with her. I think it was

like called Courage and Craft was one of the classes I took

with her. She was so brilliant and I loved her so much. And she

had given us the homework of like and I was going home from

California, you know, back east on a break. Whatever it was,

Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever it was, and she gave us

the homework to like you know stop claiming, stop saying out

loud, like practice saying I'm a writer. She's like, writers

write. You're in this class. You're writing. You're turning

in work. You are a writer. You know, and I was like, okay. And

so I I tell the story in the book. You can hear the you can

hear the story in the book. But the point that I'm making is, I

made a point to try to practice saying that, and I said it out

loud one time, and somebody in my life insisted on embarrassing

me, and not being very nice. So their words did not pass. It

should not have passed through true kind or necessary because

it was the opposite. What they said was the opposite of all

three. But I think that you know what my sweetie was saying.

First of all, the reason why I'm bringing that up is that when we

go to share something vulnerable or tender or whatever, you know,

my sweetie said we should just be able to say to people like

the comment section is turned off for this post. So I'm going

to go deeper into that in a second. So look, if you're

posting stuff online and people are being cruel or unkind or

attacking you, like you're posting something maybe

politically, or you're posting something about a workshop

you're doing, or you're posting something about a workout you

just completed, or whatever it is, and people come into the

comments and just stop being really cruel. There's three

things you can do. Number one is you can turn off comments for

your post, right? You can delete. Comments, and then if

necessary, you can block some motherfuckers. You can just

block people. You can be like, nope, nope, not open, not open

for this, right? Not open for this. And I think even I was

watching a a clip of an interview the other day, and it

was a neuroscientist, and he was talking to Oprah for her podcast

show, whatever, and she was saying that she has now turned

off comments. She goes because the vitriol, the the stuff that

people were just saying, she's just like, yeah, we just turn

off comments now. So here's the thing, in real life, because I

was thinking to my friend when my friend was telling me, you

know, you know the the comments that people were making at her

business, and I said to her, you know, you should just have like

a blanket statement answer, and I was just joking around. I was

Vicky with 2k's was like giving suggestions, and she was like,

you could just, I said, you could just turn to them and say,

you know, what's so fascinating is I don't remember asking you.

I don't remember asking you for your suggestion, your feedback,

or your opinion. You know, and it's one of the reasons why in

Write Club, like in Write Club, my monthly writing workshops,

you know, we have very specific guardrails in place. We have I I

guide people with a very specific approach and a set of

rules and guidelines because we do not tear each other down. We

only build up. We only give positive feedback. We only talk

about what we loved in the work, where the craft was really

strong, where the writing was brilliant, where there was

strength in it, where it packed a punch, what moved us, what we

loved. We only build up, right? So those kind of comments are

welcome, of course. But in real life, you can kind of inform

people, like I was telling my friend. Hey, this thing I'm

about to tell you, this this thing, right? Comments are

turned off for this post. You don't just get to blurt out any

kind of weird, mean, vile, hateful shit that you want to,

right? For this situation, this thing that I'm telling you,

right? That's the version of when you go to tell somebody

something. You can say to them, "Hey, look, this is really

sensitive. This is very vulnerable. I'm afraid to say

this, but I'm going to be, I'm going to be brave, and I'm going

to share this with you. You know, because when somebody's

doing that, they believe that you're a trusted, safe space,

and if you want to help somebody to never share again, if you

want to help somebody to give up on a dream, act like an asshole

when somebody says something, you know. And I heard a quote

the other day when somebody said, you know, don't give. What

did he say? Don't give a lecture when what somebody really needs

is a hug, and I would say don't give a lecture when what

somebody really needs is for you to just listen. So that's that

version. Like sometimes, right? People should just listen, and

they should ask you: Do you want me to listen, or are we trying

to problem solve here? Do you want me to just listen and be

here for you, or are you looking for solutions? Right, you know

what I mean. So in real life, you can just inform people. Hey,

this thing I'm about to say, it is not the comment section is

shut off. It is not. I am not open to feedback. I am not open

to comments. Now, I don't think it's fair to do that. Caveat: if

what you're about to say like affects them, like they should

have a say, right? Like you don't just get to drop a thing

on them and then expect them to be silent. You can't just say,

"Hey, I'm going to tell you this thing, but like, don't judge me

or don't be me. Well, if you're about to tell me something that

is going to affect me in some way, I think the other person

has the right to like have some sort of a say. You know what I

mean? And the other thing too is like when you're about to say

something, like meaning like, hey, I'm a writer, or hey,

whatever. You know, in my head, I think of it as almost like

being at a press conference, and you're sharing things. You know

how the people at a press conference will say, "I will, I

will not be taking up, I will not be taking any follow up

questions. I will not be taking any follow up questions or

suggestions? Because guys, life is not the internet. When you

are dealing with people face to face, you got to remember the

these are other human beings who, even if they're acting

wicked tough, they do. I mean, there are some obviously some

sociopaths and some narcissists and some people who don't feel

and operate the same way, but most people they are

tender-hearted. Most people are sensitive. Most people do have a

lot of fear, even if they mask it, even if they pretend like

they're not. So maybe we can all just try being a little nicer to

each other, right? Both in real life and on the internet. And

like I said, I don't think it's getting any better.

I think people are getting more more brazen. I don't even want

to say bold. It's not even bold, right? They're getting more

brazen. They're getting more cruel. Like cruelty in this

country has been become acceptable. Hatefulness has

become even. Like all of it, just all of it, you know, shit

rolls downhill. So when the leaders of the country are

acting like assholes and are like, "Don't even get me

started. Let's just let don't even get me started. But it has

been demonstrated that cruelty is acceptable, and I just don't

play that game, and I don't operate at that level, and

that's not even interesting to me. So you can remind people in

your life, hey, comment section is closed in on the internet.

Close it down, right? Don't put up with cruelty. Don't put up

with unkindness, and don't let other people bully people in

your comment section either, right? That's the thing. And I

know if you're like wicked famous, which I don't think any

of us here are, if there's 1000s of comments, you can't keep

track of everything. But what you're aware of, what you're

able to see with your own eyes, right? It's like we got to be

able to, you know, take a stand for ourselves, for our friends,

for those we love, and for those we may not know who are

strangers. But you know, we got to step in sometimes, and we

gotta we gotta be the one who says nope nope nope not on my

watch. You know what I mean? So look, your opinions do matter

sometimes, but not all the times, not freely, not in every

single frigging thing. And then let it pass through the three

gates. Right? Is it true? Is it kind? If is it necessary? And

I'm telling you, if you pause long enough, if you pause long

enough, you will find yourself typing a lot less. You will

probably find yourself speaking a lot less. And it reminds me of

one other quote that I love. I hope I can get it right. It's.

It says, I think, it's really hard. It's really hard to

improve upon silence, right? It's really hard sometimes to

improve upon the silence. Silence sometimes is one of the

greatest things. In fact, I might do a whole thing on

silence in a moment in another episode. But for now, I hope

this was helpful. I hope it gets you thinking about like you know

the internet. The internet. Everybody thinks like the

internet's my own personal playground. I can say and do

whatever I want. Nope, because look, there there are

consequences, even if they don't show up right away, even if you

don't believe in karma. I will tell you, it's simply science,

cause and react. And if causal is your assholery and

douchebaggery and you being a dick to people, it's coming down

the line because that's just science, right? Think about two

chemicals. You put something in, you drop the other thing.

There's usually reaction, cause, right, and effect. There is an

effect, right? There is an effect to the things you think

and say and do. So why not try to put more good stuff in the

world? Why not try to leave people better, and animals

better, and the world better, the other people, the

environment, the planet better than how you found it? Shouldn't

that kind of be the goal? That your life and your words and

your voice is used in a way that is purposeful and meaningful in

in the direction of good, in the direction of love, in the

direction of of justice, and the direction of wisdom, and

temperance and courage. That we use our voice for good. Oh my

God! Don't get me started. Okay, I'm gonna wrap this sucker up.

May you Leave the animals, yourself, the other people, the

planet, the environment better than how you found it. Wherever

you go, may you and your energy and your attitude and your

presence and your love and your comments be a blessing. Bye.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show. I really

love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the

show or know someone that could benefit from this episode,

please share it with them and help me to spread the good word

and the love. And if you want to be in the know about all of my

upcoming shenanigans, head on over to KarenKenney.com/signup

and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to stay in touch.

Bye.